#i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post

[biracy]

Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow

#idk i don't have much 'real stuff' happening irl besides like. job hunting and college applications. so it's hard #but i think if i at least ease off some time on here n read a little more n watch more movies i might start to feel better #haven't really liked where my head's been at lately it feels like whatever persona is The One Who Blogs is 'taking over' more #to put it in a very dorky comic book-sounding ass way LMAO but that's how i feel! like i'm losing my own 'voice' yknow #my mental health is Bad my physical health is also Not Great n i kinda feel like ass. if i'm being honest #idk i feel like i'm crashing from whatever high i've been on for the past couple of days n i'm not Really super happy w myself #except the media literacy posts those were good. but like the more discoursey stuff i'm not proud of #again sorry to like. publicly vent LMAO i'll be fine i'm good. i'm trying really hard to pull myself out of this #but again. sorry abt the Shite i was posting earlier today i wasn't really in my own right head #just kinda wanted 2 get all that off my chest idk if it's clear that i don't really have anyone i feel like i can talk to right this moment #i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post #NOT to make it sound all about me or whatever but it's true. i'm very very scared of losing people n right now this is My Space #i'd forgotten just how bad it felt. in this Specific case it is kinda my fault tho LMAO don't worry i've apologized as best i know how #okay i'm done. i'm done. i'm gonna go watch tv and go to bed i hope #open mick night

[kiunlo]

..lol this shit got sad

I've just realised how completely and utterly alone and isolated i really am. I don't even have ONLINE friends anymore who i talk to on discord every other day or whatever (let alone irl friends). I got ONE friend and that's my buddy larr who for some ungodly fucking reason still talks to me after ALL these years when pretty much everybody else has abandoned me or just stopped talking to me. and the only reason he's still my friend is because he is OPTIMUS PRIME & SUPERMAN levels of fucking kind and caring and feels guilty as shit for abandoning his friends lmfao. everybody else who i know or sometimes talk to on tumblr or in sum discord servers is still like. you're just sum person who i see on my dash and i enjoy your silly little posts but it's never deeper than that. i don't even consider most the people i know as "friends" unless they call ME their friend first because i'm scared of seeming like a clingy cunt DESPERATE for friendship (i really truly am). i don't know what has happened to me. if maybe i'm just so depressed and fucked in the head that talking to other people is pain and hell and suffering for me and having friends is genuinely something i cannot accomplish without having something fucked up and horrible happen to me or if i have became so closed off and unapproachable that people who do like me and who do want to be friends with me are too scared to bother me or piss me off. i don't even really speak when in discord calls or whatever. i love making shit during kandicraft and showing off my stuff but i feel like i used to talk so much more. i used to be so much more social when i was younger. so much more loud and annoying and more easily remembered. but i feel like after 2019-2020 i just. become completely shut off and lost some aspect of myself, and i can't tell if it was the trauma of covid or the trauma of the fires or both. i remember being so LOUD about what was going on in australia and i legit COULD NOT SHUT UP about what was going on even in the discord servers i was in because our water was contaminated and breathing the air was painful and like breathing pure poison and the smoke was so thick it was like the thickest fog imaginable and i was so terrified to lose everything to a fire (and we very nearly did). and then after it all happened. after it all stopped. it's was like i couldn't bare to open my mouth again.

#ash's personal tag #vent