#idk just like. a whole lot bound up in this abt thoughtcrimes too. like. actually if someone privately fantasizes abt you

[aeide-thea]

anyway totally apropos of nothing i'm just thinking abt like. i really hate DNIs that are—i mean, i could've stopped there, i really hate DNIs period, i think they're performative and useless and naive, but. i really hate DNIs that use identity as a shorthand for the (mis)behavior the poster expects from people of that identity

like there's a Respected Butch Blogger on here who years ago posted something about a man at a bus stop, idk, attempting to strike up a conversation/hit on her*, something in that line, and made some comment to the effect of like, look at me, i'm obviously a butch dyke, he should've known i wasn't available to him! and i thought at the time, and still think now—the problem here was the creepiness/entitlement of this man's behavior! nobody should be chatting anyone up at a bus stop or grocery store (real example from a past stage of my own life 😞) or other practical public venue where like‚ they're just trying to do their thing and get home! but framing the problem as instead being about, essentially, an IRL failure to respect an implicit DNI, as though someone who presented differently would've been fair game for predatory treatment—i hated that then and i hate it now

[ultimately of course it's like. people sometimes frame things in shitty ways on their perblogs when they're upset and it's good to cut them a little slack abt that... but also like. in venting veritas]

and i just like. this is a disconnected patchy sort of post but you just see people going up these ladders that are like 'i assume Men are looking at me and having Gross Disrespectful Fantasies abt me in their heads and so i don't even want them clicking a silent heart on my posts'

and ultimately everyone's entitled to set whatever boundaries they like! but it just feels to me like. tbh you're spooling out a whole Gross Fantasy of yr own abt Men when like. instead you could just set a boundary about what kinds of comments are welcome. and even from whom! but like. why are we collapsing Man into Person Who's Inevitably Gonna Behave Invasively and Disrespectfully. like when the traditional model of masculinity also says that but with an accompanying smirky thumbs-up, and then you're saying that with a thumbs-down... idk. just like. where's the vision of a better world. bc like. i thought that was actually what we were trying to open the door for, personally!

ultimately i guess it's just like, our approaches are not compatible and i shd be grateful 2 their DNIs for making that clear to me, but. i really don't see how the master's tools (framing identity as shorthand for/inevitable predictor of undesirable behavior) ever dismantle the master's house (kyriarchy)

#* i may or may not be getting this person's pronouns right‚ this whole thing is very lost in the mists of time #----- #like yeah lots of men irl DO behave shittily! but frankly the beauty of online is that you can slam the block hammer and be done #so you don't actually have to set a boundary way farther out than is necessary as a precautionary defensive measure #idk i just like. it's one thing to center certain people in yr life and decenter others #and it's another imo to go full-on barbed-wire separatist #idk just like. a whole lot bound up in this abt thoughtcrimes too. like. actually if someone privately fantasizes abt you #and you have no idea whatsoever #they're doing a good job and they should keep it up! that's called politeness and respect! #but literally some anon on OTNF the other day‚ like‚ laid out a whole thing where they were imagining other ppl fantasizing abt them #and feeling deeply uncomfortable with that #and it was like. i get it but also—what if YOU didn't spool out extensive fantasies abt these imaginary fantasizers #it's like. you're running a whole non-con exhibitionism fantasy factory and you don't even enjoy it! what if you stopped! #anyway idk. this feels like a dangerous sort of post 2 make tbh #but i just don't think separatism is actually better when it comes from the trauma of disempowerment #than when it comes from being taught to disempower and depersonalize others #both angles on it are like. you're viewing people with reductive hatred actually #idk. this could be pithier and better but. i'm tired lol #does this count as a #long post #?