#if someone else has the fortitude thank you and i will rb

[knowlesian]

okay, i’m not gonna call out names because i think people deserve chances to grow and i’m not assuming any malicious intent, but i also feel a need to answer something addressed to me today, because empathy’s gotta go hand in hand with accountability.

this is why talking about race (in fandom, or otherwise) is often like slamming your face into a brick wall that keeps insisting it’s on your side.

okay. so i sort of debated how to handle this: i think i’m just gonna quote myself. you may have missed this piece, so hopefully it’ll give context for why i’m not sure exactly what to say, and remain unsure.

i am very sure that until the day i die, i will be doing the hard and frustrating and not super ego-boosting work of diving into the mental dumpster of weird bullshit i was implicitly taught and unpacking it all.

so i know i will breathe my last and i will still have all these racist ideas, rattling around my noggin fucking with how i see the world and how i treat people, even though i don’t know i’m doing the thing. when i talk about people being racist and having implicit bias, i am also talking about me!

because racist is a descriptor, not an insult. and as much as it sucks for me to unpack this shit (don’t let anybody tell you it’s not hard work or that it feels good to do; it’s really hard and it will make you feel very small and gross sometimes) the people i accidentally aim it at deserve me putting in that effort and have it much worse.

so when i’m like, it was racist stede did that? i’m not saying stede is a bad person, and i’m not saying fuck that guy.

i’m saying oh shit this show is SMART, i do that too! it’s me!

so. i don’t know why you posted this and then bounced: i don’t know why you didn’t @ me, if you wanted me to see it and respond.

like... is your issue that i’m talking about race too much? that i’m being mean or unfair when i do it? that i don’t talk enough about how hard it is for white people to think about race, or that i’m not being understanding enough that it sucks to look at people who hurt you and have to consider you might have something in common with them? because i’ve said exactly that, too. you’re right, it’s not fun to do this work, and it is work.

i guess i just don’t understand the purpose, here, or why you’d say all this and not explain what exactly you want from me as a writer to do differently. and if that’s not your goal and i’ve misunderstood, then...  i mean. i guess i remain confused as to what you want me to take away from this, other than “it’s hard to be white, and you have made me feel very uncomfortable about it so i wish you would stop”.

#i still don't know what to say #i do not understand why this post was made #do they want me to change? talk about race less or differently? #never mention whiteness? #because i feel like i have been scolded for not being nice enough or understanding enough about the Plight of The White Ally #so i guess my question is: what was i supposed to say here? #what am i supposed to do with this #but feel like i am somehow not in the crew unless white people feel comfortable #posting this and then immediately unfollowing just feels... defeating and weird #like i'm not gonna block you and i hope you take this and just. don't do this to the next poc in line #but this made me feel p shitty #this is fine to rb btw please do not try to sleuth shit or whatever this is not about that #it's just... you know. play stupid games handle your public stupid prizes #to allow frustration to make me blunt for a sec #also apologies for the caps and no id i just could not make myself sit and transcribe all that #if someone else has the fortitude thank you and i will rb #i just. not today you know? i can't do the second layer and process every word at that level rn