#im just really heartbroken and feel rlly worthless

[chapst1ckmcdyke]

Ex is officially moved out and it went well but i could still puke

#i let their bf come over to help #which wasnt a mistake but it really sucked to look at this crusty motherfucker and know thats what was deemed more valuable than me #like this guy who is an ex minister ex cop now social worker with a beard that could host rats- #thats who you lost interest in me for? #i feel so betrayed #i know we were polyam and maybe i say this just bc im not rlly polyam #but it still felt like cheating #coming home with hickies but avoid hello pecks by turning their face #coming home less and less and taking their things one bit at a time like i wouldnt notice #refusing to sleep in the same bed as me if they were over and bringing him around when i wasnt home even tho he INTIMIDATED ME #in my own home!!! so he wasnt allowe back!!!! but i they still got brought over and every time #hickies were just everywhere #it felt like they were having an affair i just… knew about it? #idk #im just really heartbroken and feel rlly worthless #but thats how theyve made me feel for a rlly long time which is why I finally ended it #im just still so sad

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

im just feeling like shit , and ......... feeling super fuckin lonely man. i dont know. not 2 whine i jsut... i kno its stupid but all i can hear rn is my flatmates talking to her friends all day through the walls........ and im just kinda. miserable and sad. it jsut feels so hopeless again, man... yknow. like its  just fucking no matter where i go or how i try or what i do i just end up feeling alone and isolated . and i know i have t be the problem. i have to be. but  i can give it my all, as i have tried to do but its just... its justnot ever enough and im just. i dont know man. it jsut feels like tht with everything but. great bc this means im just... alone all the time now and its like. like the only friends i have irl are her and her friends and ijust... i know im just kind of tacked onto there bc she feels bad and i jsut. i dont know.

i jsut.. i KEPT  thinkin . yknow. like even when i did get rlly sad when i was 14-17, and iw as constantly heartbroken abt bein lonely i just... at the v least kept telling myself, yknow it could get better like. maybe if i get away i can make friends maybe if i can but it just feels like everywhere i go man. liek its stupid & dramatic but ijsut feel like ive been fuckin doin tht my whole life and i jsut cant get a grip on it whatsoever and im just. so tired at this point bc it gets harder and harder as it all gets shittier. i can hardly hold a conversation irl any more. i just cant do it and i turn ppl away INSTANTLY with tht and i jado9dsjgdsg. .. and i hear ppl all the time talkin abt how uni is like the only place they rlly met ppl and dont rlly meet anyone elsewhere and i jsut. i dont know i know thts stupid but i just. feel like im rlly ruining ... the few chances i have but im too scared and i cant fuckin do it man like icant.. i cant handle trying it any more and its just... i want to be close with ppl but i dont think im ever goin 2 be at this point in my life and i loathethe way. ppl say thts dramatic & the patronising bs of “you cant know tht” when its not. h. i jsut . i dont wnt to cosntantly have to.... anyways fuckin god i just. i dont know man i dont ufcking know i just feel so alone and im just.... mim so sad of literally everything jsut always piling on, of everything jsut reminding me of how inadequate and useless and worthless it all is and idk. 

bc like its not just the loneliness i just. im so sad and tired of jsut being.... the stupid fuckn. backup friend and tht being my worth like. its fine i get it ppl need ppl to go to sometimes but its just so... i dont kno im so. i wish i had my own worth past tht like i just. half the time it jsut feels exponentially worse to just stick around people who actually fuckin want each other and just not . really fitting in well with them and just feeling. cast out and alienated constantly nad having to run to desperately . DESPERATELY feel like ur apart of sth but it literally means nothing in the end bc u never will be and jsut having to . constantly pretend ur COOL when ur rlly sad&heartbroken bc they jsut forgot u existed again and.....

and i keep thinking abt when my degrees over. im ngoing to be completely alone bc i dont think im worth keeping around longerr than the convenience of like uni and like... im going to be alone-alone bc i dont have a family to tturn to and im such a wreck i dont know if i’ll keep myself afloat because its not jsut the energy but i dont know if i even want to and i just. im scared rlly scared of jsut . not having anyone to turn to . i dont even now rlly but THEN i wont even have like. a place to stay and part of me rlly does just think. yeah . kill yourself bc like i jsut... what else is there for me  and idk man. idk <3

#egg.txt