#im praying that doesnt happen because every time it has happened ive felt so close to death and it scares me

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[ts-autumns-world]

Episode 5: “We’re gonna be scamming men tonight” - Mikki

Fuck. I don't want to vote out Chris. So I'm not going to. That is all. Fuck these bitches.

I have to start off by saying how bummed I am that Chips is out. I had a feeling it would go that way and Joey did too. The odds were stacked against him on that one. I’ll miss having ya around!

I’m obviously thrilled to be safe another round. I really don’t know where anyone is at strategically and tbh I’m not really looking to find out. After the knowledge Giraffez told me before being voted out, I know Lily is weary of me. I think as soon as we either vote again or make it to merge, she would most likely launch something against me. I would love for the 4 of us to stick together. I think we are stronger together but it’s hard to tell.

I’m trying to see if Joey wants to start planning with me like who do we want to work with moving forward. I’d also love to have that conversation with Monty. That way next time we have to vote we will already have an established alliance. Literally everyone on this team are great to talk to when they are online. Genuinely seem to be here to make friends and enjoy the game. I’d love to continue playing with people like that and I know we will want to be strong when we do merge. 

If I want to step up my strategic game, now is the time.

Every now and then, I get totally drowsy when playing all these html5 games. It makes me wonder and have some lucid dreams tbh, I'll just be sitting there with Forensic Files on in the background, just zoning out, and playing Tomb Runner. I hope that my score is enough, but if we lost, I'm going to be absolutely crushed, cause I ain't going to the Outhouse. HBO Max has the aesthetic of the Hamburglar from McDonald's and that is not a good sight to see.

---

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SAFE ANOTHER ROUND!! I still feel desperate as fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk but hey its always sunny in philadelphia :-)

ummm not much has happened. ive been taking some time away from discord for a few reasons so i havent been active. plus we won so i just have not really talked to anyone this past round

OMG OKAY OKAY OKAY SOOOO it sucks we lost again but me and Mikki have had a plan incase we are teaming up with Chris bc we dont feel all that close to raffy and blake and it was gonna be like awkward w them voting chris BUT THEN blake says to mikki he wants chris to stay and then says hes close w raffy too SO RAFFY AND BLAKE R PROBS VOTING ME LMFAOOO omg this is SOOO exciting if its a 3-2 vote with me getting 2 ill jump. BUT we are voting raffy cuz he might have an idol that needs flushing while if we kept him he could just use it next time to mikki needs to act like fully on board w them so that he doesnt get sus. AHHHHHH SCARY BUT EXCITING. why do i like getting votes. bad benj

I was worried we would lose knowing Ricky would be sent to Outhouse. What I didn't realize was that I'd be the only non Eener on the tribe. But Benj and Mikki assured me this round that they wanted to work with me so I felt optimistic! Then Raffy/Blake come to me respectively about how they want me to stay so now they are going to go after Benj I think but Mikki is pretending she is too? I support cannibalism today!

whew me entering top 14? 13? 12? idk pls help i can't do math my math is not mathing.

tbh winning consecutively is the double-edged swords cause on one hand, im safe and don't have to worry about a thing.. on the other hand, the whites still have numbers :/ im trying to talk to like do something in case if we go to the tribal, we can get the whites out... hopefully.

https://voca.ro/16epPhLLURgj

I continue to be the challenge queen <3 Ignore Ultimate Tic Tac Toe this ain't about her

---

I don't know if I even gave my thoughts on my new tribe yet btw but I love Jinx they're so great to be around, she's definitely my first priority outside of the monty-joey-lily alliance on who to keep. Captain and Jude are cool too tho!

And Lily C sure exists

https://photos.app.goo.gl/AfRSnrGaPUDVcJ5MA

I FUCKING HATE THE OUTHOUSE. it’s so BORING and i cant FUCKING FOGURE OUT THIS RIDDLE. what’s even worse is i have absolutely no say on what goes back on at camp, and now way to strengthen the bonds that i’ve already built with benj and mikki. i’m just hoping that chris is doing enough to keep himself in this round, because i really really don’t want to lose him. if i don’t make this merge with my tua 4 i might Lose My Mind. Praying to Autumn for this one!

BEFORE FAIRY COUNCIL: https://youtu.be/BGTQn9Z9CCo 

https://youtu.be/1iOW7SZftQk

For Benj: https://youtu.be/Y0iMuH01zMM

#tsaw #episodes

[theexceptionnottherule]

September 3, 2020

I dont even know where to start. My life has completely done a full 360 and i feel like im stuck in park. From this pandemic to the government turning on itself to the passing of my beautiful grandmother none of it seems real at this point. It truly feels like a vivid horrendous nightmare. I keep hoping that i wake up and everything will be back to normal but as the days go on it sets in that this is my new normal. I usually say i embrace change but that is a total and utter lie i hate change or at least i hate change when im not ready for it. The abruptness both irks and scares me because it gives you 0 time to adjust and i have to just roll with the punches or get left behind. I so badly wish i could take off the rest of this year and hide and come out on new years eve. I feel numb some days and others i feel every single thing in the universe around me, like all my senses are heightened. I can’t believe my grandmother is no longer with us, it still doesnt feel real. It still hasnt hit me that shes never coming back, that that was the last time i would see her. I cant believe i even fuckin wrote that, that my grandmother is never coming back. That shes not going to call me on my birthday or be there for my wedding, graduation or for my kids. How is that even possible? Like that doesnt even make sense to me logically. Its like my brain cant connect those dots. I’ve never endured a pain like this before EVER in my life and im thankful for the last 29 years that i was protected from such agony. They say things get better with time but this definitely isnt the case for me as least for now and for what feels like a long time. I cant help but think of people like Ms. Colon who lost her only child, her daughter, Meg the Stallion who lost her only living parent, her mom and Vanessa Bryant who lost the love of her life and her daughter how they’ve maintained to stay positive, optimistic and bright, through this dark haze they are in.I feel as though they posses a level of calm that i am no where close to. How am i to ever really smile and laugh again, how am i supposed to feel protected in this big and scary world. She was the glue that kept us all together, she was the headquarters for our family. Eventhough she isnt presently here our family has never felt closer together. I love my family so much, the way we have come together during this time has truly shown our strength and i know she would be so proud. I would give anything to hear her voice or see her name pop up on my caller id. The love she gave me could never be duplicated not even by my little sister even though she is second place. My grandmother gave me unconditional love at all times, even when i wasnt appreciative of or even deserving of it. She never judged me or made me feel anything less than her sweet girl. She made me the woman i am today and i wouldnt have it any other way. My last living grandparent is gone and now its just us. I havent prayed nor spoken to God since everything has happened i feel as though im not ready for that conversation yet. Ive been wanting a change in my life because i have been feeling stagnant and stuck but never did i think the change would be this drastic, sudden or painful. There are so many things that i wish i could go back and do but time is a force that is constantly moving and i have to keep up with the pace. I wish the world would just stop spinning so i can just catch my breathe for once. Anytime i have felt stuck or needed a kick in the ass God knew exactly what i needed and how to give it to me. I just wish i was more prepared. The passing of my grandma has absolutely made me a softer, more forgiving, more sensitive, more compassionate, more understanding woman, its odd because i thought i had already possessed these qualities but now i am wayy more empathetic and sympathetic. The guard i use to have up to protect myself and block off feelings i didnt want to embrace (whether because i couldnt handle it or wasnt ready to face it) is completely gone, i feel so vulnerable and scared now. I feel a deeper sense of myself and feel more intuned to my emotions. I feel as though i dont know what my normal is anymore. Its like everything is up in the air now, i feel as though absolutely nothing is sacred anymore in this world, hell in this lifetime. Its like anything can happen at anytime and thats a very scary feeling for me. So much of my life has been predictable and regimented but now its like who knows what today brings. I wake up every morning almost flinching and bracing myself for a new day in 2020 because this year has been filled with soooo many unpredictable events. This year has tested me in soo many ways and it has shown me so much in these 9 months, things about myself, my circle, my relationships, my courage, my strength, my determination. I just wish i had time to just get away and recollect and recharge. I feel like as i approach this milestone birthday i am really starting a new chapter in my life. It feels like im officially on my own now and i have to get real serious about my future and which direction i want to take. While writing my grandmothers obituary i couldnt help but think of what i would want my own obituary to say. What accomplishments and milestones would be on there, what my family and friends would say about me, and who would attend. My grandmother eventhough she did not have many material accolades, she engrained in everyone she encountered the importance of family and love. Family and love are probably the two things ive had an abundance of and yet took for granted. Approaching 30 i now know that those are truly the only thing on this Earth that matter. How ive touched people and how ive made people feel is whats important in life, because that is what lives on after all your materialistic things are gone. I thought ive always been so grateful to have family but i now know that i wasnt, it just sounded good to say. I ache for my mother and her sisters who dont have either of their parents anymore and that all they have are one another. A sisterhood a bond unlike no other, they will forever be there for one another no matter what. They are literally all they have besides their children. The pain that i feel when i hear my mom say “now i dont have a mother” is shattering because i know she must feel so alone in this big world without her mom. I cant help but think about when my mom passes away how alone i’ll feel especially being that i dont have any siblings from her. But thinking about things like that wont do anything but cause me to be anxious, and i have to remember to stay in the present and make the best of the time i have now. I feel like a running theme for me has been starting over, i enjoy starting fresh i feel like it gives me a opportunity to try again. This is truly a new beginning for me and idk how to address it nor where to start.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

it’s been a while. again. but i am getting better at writing more again.

i think i feel really lost and confused.

i think i really miss jeanne and andrew and sofia and david. i miss being with people i dont really need to think with. sometimes it’s awkward but usually it’s fun. we can just chill and laugh together and talk about whatever and be blunt and unfiltered and it’s okay. we express concerns and listen intently to one another and when push comes to show, we’re there for each other. i just wish i could be there for them more.

i think ive been trying really hard to be there for people bc it’s my job to do so or bc i feel like i need to in order to be enough. to be accepted and a part of the community when in reality, it hasnt been helping anyone. i havent been genuine and i do want to be. 

this past week, even though it may not seem like it, ive been trying to take a step back. i did stay for a bit on sunday but i didnt stay to play soccer with everyone. im tired of trying so hard to force myself into the community. i just want it to happen organically. nothing good will come of it if i just try and force it. honestly, i felt kind of hurt that david and joyce didnt want to share their struggles with me bc i thought we were close but i also needed to remind myself that if i really love them, i would just want the best for them. whether or not that includes me in the picture. and ive been constantly trying to remind myself of that. of course, i want to hangout with them more. of course, i want to be closer with them. but at the end of the day, i just want to serve them bc i care for them so much. i am so beyond grateful that I can witness and experience God’s love in my own life and what a gift it is indeed. 

so often, people confide in my deep feelings and secrets and im generally pretty good at not breaking that trust. but every time in those instances, i want to share the love of God with them but I don’t want them to just think im taking advantage of them or exploiting their feelings. i want them to know that im sharing bc i genuinely care and only want the best for them.

i started chatting with a woman in the Ravenclaw group who felt alone and was seeking help. and i think i was able to help just by being there for her and listening to her and letting her know im here. and i felt afraid to share. but honestly, what do i have to lose? this is some random lady to whom i have no mutual friends with. i dont even know where she lives or how old she is or anything about her and she doesnt know anything about me either. all we know are the deep things we’ve shared with each other. i have nothing to lose if she turns against me as a result of me sharing my faith. and ultimately, God is in control. Not me. Nothing I say will bring her to Christ. It is only through Christ that that is possible. The best I can do is pray for her. She is so broken and lost and confused and doesn’t know what to do. I am so limited in my own understanding and knowledge and I can only help so much. But what I can do is share the good news with her. So without thinking about what I was saying I did. And she hasn’t responded. I don’t know how she took it. Maybe shes crying on her knees in worship to God. Maybe she was super turned off by the sudden religious turn I made and doesn’t want to make to me anymore. Regardless, I shared the gospel with her. And I can only hope I was able to help. But from here, it is all in God’s hands. The best I can do is to just be used by Him and serve in whatever way I can.

When I hangout with my school friends, I’m a way worse person. I gossip a lot more and feel angry and triggered much more often. But it’s easy. I always want to defend Mulan whenever we shit on her but I’m always afraid of being outcasted. I’m stepping down from e-board anyway though so what do I have to lose? But I was hanging out with them yesterday and I defended Mulan and we all felt a lot calmer after that. After just trying to be understanding of her situation and what shes gone through. I want to share the gospel with her and push her to Christ but I am worried how she’ll react and slander my name. But that is to be expected in such a liberal environment. I just want to help in any way that I can.

As of late, I’ve been feeling frustrated and disappointed with myself and felt unworthy of love. Because I always know that I can do better. I can do more. If I just managed my time a little better or put a little more effort in or was a little more present or a little more involved or something. I know I can do better. But I don’t. I still sleep 7+ hours. I still eat out all the time. I still do all of these things that prevent me from doing better. I’ve been neglecting my schoolwork and my school friends. I’ve been neglecting my studies and responsibilities as a student just so I may better serve the church. And I think that is still important but I need to re-assess a lot. I don’t want to hangout with my school friends more just because it is easier and I have more in common with them. But at the same time, I do really enjoy it and I think I’m a lot happier when I can just relax. I do want to focus on investing more into my Christian Club friends and building a strong Christ-based community at my school before my time ends. I know that my school friends tend to be toxic and encourage alcoholism and smoking and 

And my heart really breaks for Finn. I want to share the love of God with them but I know that their mom disowned them because of their Catholic beliefs. I’m sure they feel extremely bitter towards God right about now because in their mind, He is the cause of their mother’s disapproval. And I can’t answer the topic of LGBTQ+ within a Christian context. But I just want to share the Father’s love with Him and just hope that God will speak volumes into their heart.

I’m worried about becoming an alcoholic because I am constantly looking for something to distract me from my own pain and suffering instead of turning my eyes to God. I’ve been using media to drown everything out. Watching endless YouTube videos that bring me no joy or satisfaction but distract me from my demons and the reality of the situation. And until I get over that, I will never be free from using alcohol as a clutch. I need to get into the habit of turning my eyes to God instead. And just trusting Him with everything I am. Honestly, I feel lonely. There aren’t many females to look up to or rely on at church. I do adore Jason and P. Josh and I want to be there for them too. But there are some things I can’t discuss with them and I don’t think we ever could go super deep because of the gender barrier. I’ve been sexually harassed on the train. I’m so much more afraid of being kidnapped and raped than I am of being killed. I want to reach out to the homeless but I know they could overpower me pretty easily and I’ve been too trusting in the past. And as guys, they don’t get that. I’m sad that Amanda is leaving because she’s the one person I could probably build this relationship with. But even when I have no one else and cannot rely on the people on Earth, I can always turn my eyes to God. 

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.   For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I was shook but this verse that we read during the conference call today and it has been recurring as of recent. I remember having to memorize it for retreat in middle school. I remember Loren sharing it with me after the Harvest festival. I remember reading into my Meyer’s Briggs personality verses. And here it was again. I remember these moments so clearly. I am weak and broken and imperfect and flawed. But through Christ, may I gain confidence and be used as holistically as I possibly can be. Through and by Him and through Him alone.

I was listening to Come as You Are before this and at first I was nervous that my new friend wouldn’t like it because of the voice or something but the more I listened to it, the more truly the words rang within me. And this is what I need to do. There is rest for the weary. There is no sin that Heaven can’t heal. I need to lay down my burdens and my shame. And just give it all up to God because I can’t do this without Him. I can’t. I want to help. I want to do all of these things. But it is only through and by Him that anything is possible.

God, this is my prayer to you. That you would continue to provide me with guidance back to the right path and that my heart would continue to break for what breaks yours.

Amen.

#reflection

[viewofsal]

Goodbye 2017. I’m ready for 2018 adventures.

2017 has been a year filled with laughter, smiles, tears, anger, anxiety, lessons, blessings, experiences and fun adventures. It was a year to let go of people, to let new people in, to be strong when I felt weak, to fight for myself against life and most importantly to find myself in all of this craziness.

I fell in love, I got my heart broken. I trusted someone with my eyes closed, which is rare because I dont trust a lot of people. I wanted to marry this guy, he was the dream guy I wanted. I did everything I can to save a relationship from falling, but it was never suppose to be this hard. We fought, we argued. we loved each other at times, we didnt talk for days… and then it finally ended. (71517)

I fought against my health, I went to therapy. It was probably one of the most scariest thing I have ever been through… I never felt so lonely even though I was surrounded by so many people that loved me and cared for me,  yet I still felt alone. I dont know why… But it all went well and I am much better.

I had trusted a few good friends who at the end fucked me over big time. Shabina was like my best friend and the little sister I never had. And looking back at it… I realized how can she be that, as in my bff and little sister when she was actually never there for me through anything. I will never forget the day that I was telling her about my break up the of day it was happening and she rolled her eyes. After that day I didnt talk to her and I wanted to be left alone. But she texted me before my trip to Atlanta- she literally said forgive and forget and move on. So I did. Because thats what the nice Salia does…. But then after the whole Haroon + Salia thing happened she became bitter- and she asked me if I was just “having fun with him?” Like yeah hell ya I was… but shit on the first meet you dont tell someone “hey so when are we getting married…?” NO. This is why you and that lawyer guy never made it. But anyways….. Telling her was the biggest mistake ever, because she put nazaar on me and potentially having something. It is what is. And yes I am a horrible person for calling her a bitch while arguing- but she was being one. I had to tell her to stop. I remember I had a stop at San Fran on the way back from Arizona and she just accused me of being a hoe. And I had it… like yo at least I dont meet guys off of minder and on the first hour hook up. BUT TO EACH TO THEIR FUCKING OWN, right? If we want to call people hoes. *eye roll* Anyways that was me ranting but I learned that not every “friend” is your friend. And keep your moves, your business and your love life on the low. Period. Because at the end of the day you really have your own back, no one else really does. And no one wants to see you succeed in life.

I got close to my family once again and spent the whole summer with all of my aunts, uncles, brother/sister in laws and cousins, and of course my little cutie pies. I attended over 9 weddings in the summer, including both of my cousins. All of my cousins live in the East Coast and whenever we are all together it is so fun! I miss them so much!

My skin cleared soooooo much MASHALLAH! That it literally shocks me every time I look into the mirror. I had to cut off coke out of my life, I was so addicted to it and I just had to drink it with every meal. But Im glad I get to still drink coffee. :D I broke out so much back in 2015-2016 and it had to do with my stalker and a lot of stress on my mind and hormones jumping around lol. But you always have to take care of yourself and make sure youre always healthy. You should be your number one priority, ALWAYS.

I met a guy named Haroon. He came to see me all the way from Virginia. No, I didn’t fall in love- and I didnt think about marriage while being with this guy. I wasn’t messing around. But life threw something tough at me which made me come back to reality… So I lowered my expectations but not my standards with Haroon. We were I guess “perfect”. Our humor, our mentality, he was accepting and so was I. He was down to come see me every month and he opened up to me and made me trust him back with my life. He went back, and feelings changed. Even if it was temporary it felt good be treated like how I should be treated. I guess it was God’s way of making me realize that just because I’m sad right now doesnt mean I always will be. It was a trial and error, and it failed. But there is someone meant for everyone and you will too one day find someone.

My sister graduated from law school and found her boo thang. I am so happy for my sister, she is so hard working, ambitious, dedicated, intelligent, witty, sarcastic and a hot ass lawyer. Lol. Im being bias, but if she wasnt my sister I would still say that. She went through hell and back with law school, family drama and idiotic boys that cant fight for someone. But she never gave up her dream- which was to finish law school and become a lawyer. Along with her life being so hectic and all she found someone that matches her perfectly, alhumdulillah. I am so happy for her and Beez (thats not his name… Thats my nick name for him). He is so like… words cant describe. He came to pick my family and I up, he hugged my parents, he calls my mom “mama”, he gets along with my brother, he makes fun of me for being a yelp nerd. He just respects us so much. I am so proud of you too Badr bhai, for graduating and inshallah being part of our crazy ass family. But…. I have to say they are like power couple goals, mA! He spoils her like crazy and its cute. I wish one day we all find “the one” and spoil them with our love. *Did I mention hes half Spanish + Pakistani…. HOLY HELL. His sisters are hot. Lol*

And to end it… I got the closure that I was wanting to get. Thank you Farhan for giving me closure over and over again. Im sorry you had to hear me cry, because I think Ill probably cry for a while but its going to be okay. I wish and pray that you have an amazing new year and whatever you pray for you get. Because you deserve the best and you deserve to smile, laugh and be treated like a king.

But does that mean Im ok? No. But will it take time? Yes. I pray that I heal so quick that I can feel again, I wont be bitter, I wont be afraid to let someone in. I just want to be Salia again. Thats all.

2018-

Im ready for a new year, new hellos, new smiles, new laugher, new people, new adventures, new beginnings, new everything. I am ready. I definitely want to work on a few things on myself. I am not a perfect soul in this world. I hate that I have such horrible anger issues, I get mad easily to the point where I want to cry. I want to be my number one fan always. I want to love myself like no one else is going too because no one is going too… jk! And to heal. All I really want is to heal and be the old me. I want to stop crying al the time.To love again, to feel again, I dont want to be numb anymore, or bitter when a guy talks to me… I just want to be soft and gentle. But It will take time.

I hope this year not only brings me happiness and joy but to all of my followers. The more I write and have people follow me I see that everyone is struggling, heart broken, happy yet sad. I see it all. I am healing too but I am always here to listen to anyone. Ive been blogging since I was 18 and Im so glad I became a tumblr nerd because I met a few people from here, ive had a few conversations and I learn about my followers all the time. You guys deserve all the happiness, all the smiles and success in the world. Thanks for always listening to my rants and posts. Love you all! I hope you guys have an amazing New Year!

XOXO,

SALIA SHEIKH.

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 6 Confessionals

I mean I didn't make the idol play. But um #LUKEDIDTHAT. Love he did that. But Lexi self voting??? Ruining Luke's plan of getting someone out? ICONIC!! Poor Lexi is prob going to go home lol. But I'm happy the idol I found did something but sad that its now gone and a new one? might be able to be found for those  4 remaining.

One more fake swap / fake merge and I'm going to vote myself off this island.

So iconically, Luke idolled, which i'm happy about. I'm NOT happy about Ryan being voted out considering I was kind of wanting to play a game with him. It also doesn't make sense considering... he's tried in every challenge, and has helped out the tribe greatly imo, but then again - we don't know the social dynamics and tribe outlook on their tribe. Carson told me he found an idol, and i'm superbly excited. Will he use it on me? Likely not. But it's still good to know we have it in OUR possession, and i'm not planning on leaking a word. The fact that he told me is satisfying though, and I do truly feel as if he's my #1 in the game right now. The challenge? Pass. It's something... logic puzzles are... awful (yet a little fun at times, sure). The cup thing... whomst... and the counting? I'm fairly triggered. I'm going to likely sit out because i'm busy today and I just couldn't care or want to do ANY of that. also why is there no SWAP!

Last tribal was fun with my idol play but Lexi made it less iconic with the self vote but that was completely understandable since she has a lot going on personally and I hope she's okay <3 It worked well in the sense that Jordan and Jay can still convince Lexi that they just had to do what they had to do with the tie and they saved her over Ryan. I compleTELY FUCKED UP THE COUNTING PART OF THE CHALLENGE WHICH I WAS ALREADY EH ABOUT DOING SINCE IT'S THE WORST BUT EUUURGH I MESSED UP. I'm hoping that we can win but if we don't then I hope I can trust Jay and Jordan enough to keep our 3 alliance strong and just vote our Lexi unanimously providing she doesn't have an idol or anything like that. I'll make an update after results...

Can you believe we win again? If we merge, it's gonna be 7-3. What a time to be alive!!! 

WHEWWWW i searched Mancos for the idol bc of my idol clue i got and i fucking found the idol and wow... i decided to tell Zach because I definitiely wanna nurture a relationship with him (love him so much) and we're a dynamic duo for sure!! i only talk to hi9m though and i def gotta fix that. playing this game AND another game at once is just a bit much but im still doing my best.

OKAY IM SCREAMING HOW DID I EVEN GET ANOTHER REWARD?? Idk how many rewards there have been in total bc I forgot but I've gotten 3 and didn't do 1 bc it was too risky but like what the heck how is this even happening?? I'm shook 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5g0x_0uPJo

WE WON IMMUNITY YESSS!!! going into the final 10 7-3 is definitiely amazing and im assuming luke goes on the other tribe. im fine with that bc it seems like everyone on my tribe is close to luke, so theyll be closer to me if hes gone!! im definitiely enjoying this tribe but like.. where does everyone stand?? who knows. we havent gone to a tribal since eric combusted and i dont know where i stand. i trust zach and i kinda trust bryce even if we dont talk strategy but idk where everyone else stands. katie truists me i think, but idk if i talk to her enough for it to be a FULL trust between us?? shes probably the one i trust the most after the other 2. charlotte is... whew?? she hates zach im pretty sure so like... idk about that personally. shes a good player and also like... idk i just dont talk to her as much as the other returnees. willow is cool and shes super nice but we NEVER talk strategy and also she like gave tons of info to eric allegedly then voted him out so idk if i can trust that rlly but like  thats a bit hypocritical bc i kinda used him too. i need to try talking more strategy with her. and chris... we talk and they're pleasant conversations but like willow, i dont talk strategy enough with him. plus hes a good game player from what ive seen in this game?? i know hes busy so i just gotta start getting a bit more out of him. my social game has def been slipping and if i dont get it up, im looking at a merge boot status bc tbh? i think im a pretty big threat. ideally, jordan pines is merge boot, then we can use lexi/jay to possibly get out some of our tribe, maybe charlotte?? on second thought i could use jordan for that too but like.. i dont trust jordan lmao. IDEALLY, id like a boot order of... f10: jordan f9: charlotte f8: lexi f7: willow f6: chris f5: jay f4: bryce f3: katie/zach, depends on who i think i can win easier against?? then ideally a final 2 of me winning. but survivor is always changing, so nothing is for sure. thats just how id LIKE it to happen, but nothing is gonna happen exactly so ill just pray!!

We lost immunity...again...shocker! Jay approached me earlier to potentially blindside Jordan and get him out since he's a huge threat at the upcoming merge but ultimately decided that using his connection with Katie and his reputation as a meat shield would be to our advantage since we're both winners and that is enough to get people to target us. It feels weird working this closely with Jay. If we merge next then plan to get Katie using Jordan, Carson using Jay and Zach using myself and then add Charlotte into the group and we should have a strong group. I also want to find out who gave me the immunity idol so I can first of all thank them, second of all ask them why and third if all work with them. I just hope I'm not being screwed by Jay the same way he was trying to screw Pines. 

Confessional #1 this round: Fuck ulta, i hate this tribe, i want to leave, ryan palmer let me go home

I accidently self voted last round and it tied between me and ryan because luke used an idol. so they voted ry out and i cried alittle. thats about all. 

Confessional #2- Rip Lexi, this is wrong, how the fuck are we gonna be at 3 players, after this wtf they have an entire tribe waiting to fight us

Im so happy we won again to be able to go into a merge with 7-3 majority maybe and a 4 person group into the 10 person game! Things are going well

Wish I can find the idol and hope luke doesnt go out either here

bye lexi! honestly like... idk. all newbies on their tribe are gone, it's so funny. im anticipating merge! or a swap.. or something. its 7v3 for crying out loud! im not sure what my move is going forward, but i think im confident. just kidding, i'm likely leaving. this is a bs conf but i may make one tomorrow hehe

haha I beat Jay

wow can't believe I'm this seasons challenge beast

We're really that tribe that's completely decimating everything.

I've been out all day and I see that they voted out Lexi. Every tribal that Jordan pines makes it through makes me even more nervous about getting to a merge with him around. We didn't have a good history in our last game but I'm hoping that there are more people around with bad blood with him so I can kinda just get by without getting any shots fired at me. I just want to go into a merge already. None of this potential "tribe swap" to make things even for one more round. I usually get fucked in a swap and I'd rather not have history repeat itself.

Over the course of the past week or so, i've been attempting to mend things with Charlotte. She's the only person that I feel like would be dead set on getting rid of me, so to weaken that desire would be sufficient. I also want to work on Katie and Chris a bit more so that the newbies (since i'm already decent with Willow, I believe) would be more loyal to me. I need opportunities! As for the pending upcoming merge or swap, i'm not ready. I would hope the 7 Ulta stay together for a BIT or something, like vote out Jordan. I'm semi-close with Jay and Luke, so would I want to vote them out right away? Well, in the wise words of Jay - absolutely not. But I would if I had to. I'd be more lenient with voting Jay since i'm now developing a friendship with Luke (because of another ORG) and I really like him, he's a cool kid. Him and I have NEVER worked together in past ORGs so if we manage to survive and make it on a tribe together, it'll be something refreshing. Carson's still my favourite though. He's a social god and it's scary. The kid has school from like 7-3pm and still finds more time to message me somehow or someway. It's... wildt. I trust him to an extent and him and I both have agreed that like we'll go far but obviously we are bale to betray one another if essential to our own game. I likely won't make it that far though RIP. I told him i'd be his lapdog, despite the tag of the season o.O Bryce. I didn't mention him yet. He's cool, him and I rarely talk but I think he's overall a great person. I'd like to talk to him more but our last conversation felt dull and I can't force a convo (not his fault, communication is indeed a two way street.) Nonetheless, it's something I may have to work on for my game. Also lowkey it's so funny because two tribals ago, you provoked the question regarding returnees and newbies, and here are some facts: - Ryan asked you to stop shoving it down his throat. He got voted out consequently. Iconic, right? - All newbies on their side are eliminated - All the boots in the game in general are newbies (with the exception of my Bahamas representative Willa...RIP good soul. The good die young!) So basically a returnee will win this game. It might be slightly worrying to Katie/Willow/Chris and they may want to extend and form bonds with OG Copa so that they have backup, because obviously there's a trend with voting out the newbies. Anyway, this is my third confessional this round... more than expected hehe hope you enjoy! P.S look at this rude ass message: On 2017-09-14, at 6:36 PM, carson wrote: > Use the Golden Rope to hang urself please HSDGNISDGNDS It was so funny I choked bye now

I seriously thought I was being screwed this round because I didn't think Jay would flip on Lexi but he did and I'm still here! 5 votes against me and I'm still here which is great!! There are only 3 of us left on Copa and we're an alliance so if we don't swap/merge and lose immunity then....it's going to suck. I think maybe I'd be in the middle? But equally Jordan and Jay have known each other a lot longer than they've known me so they might see me as disposable and get rid of me which I hope isn't the case. I really wanna merge and go work with Zach, Charlotte and Carson who I know and think I could work well with. Also Bryce, a newbie from last season, someone who I'd be interested in hooking up with in this game and working with!

So I got another advantage which is lit, I guess all these advantages are making up for kvaloya, anyway who knows how I'm gonna be able to explain the randomized vote?

Okay so like I just realized I'm in another game with Eric. And I kinda led the charge to get him voted out so I'm trying to win immunity otherwise he is totally killing me so sorry this is a terrible confessional but I'm STRESSING. 

If we don't merge I'm so incredibly fucked

#NotAGameForLapdogs