#im still processing this encoutner

[squeakadeeks]

a positive healthcare experience, in this economy?

after spending damn near a decade with an ED, finally being referred to a honest to god ED specialist for the first time yesterday felt incredibly refreshing

like the basic foundation is if nothing else it was validating. ive had an ED since i was 15/16, all that while i was fully open with all doctors and therapists about how restrictive my diet was and my weight. i've told therapists i was eating less than 500 cals a day sustainably and they looked me dead in the eyes and said "oh thats a lifestyle choice, you just want to stay trim!" ive gone to the doctors 20-25 lbs underweight and they didnt say a word even as I was talking to them about health issues directly driven by malnutrition. when i told her this she got angry and said that it was wrong, and was only the third physician ive been to in my life to say "yes you have an eating disorder, and a rather severe one at that" and suddenly i just felt this huge wave of relief. its honestly been incredibly triggering to speak to people about what ive been doing to myself and having very few people see it. it makes me feel like im ""failing"" at having an ED, like if i was sicker, then people would see it and agree with me and i could get help; so having someone agree with me right out the gate was shockingly pleasant.

also????? she helped me identify something that i was developing as a new harmful behavior that i didnt even realize was a part of ED and now that i see it, it totally makes sense. i went from encouraging the behavior bc i thought it was helpful or healing, to being able to see it now and stomp it out, and i dont think i wouldve done that on my own.

AND ANOTHER THING that i really appreciated is a lot of ED care is only fixated on the physical effects, and granted ive really bungoed this chungo with how much i fucked up my heart and blood so physical effects are a major concern right now- but she also focused on psychological effects as well and i was just 🤘😩 its something ive been talking about for years and having a healthcare professional actually see that and help me with it was like BROOOO. I belive the reason why when i went to drs they wouldnt act is because typically you need a BMI of around 13 for them to admit you for ED care, and at my sickest i didnt even get close to that so they had no desire to act bc my body wasnt deemed sick enough while my mind was being torn to shreds.

so often in my day to day life it feels like i have all these external signals that are telling me something completely different than what im feeling, its just that one lone recovery voice against a world saying "ED? what are you talking about youre crazy, keep dieting!" and having a medical professional listen, validate and actually help was insane. im overjoyed and a little overwhelmed tbh but 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

#tw weight #tw ED #im still processing this encoutner #like Dr. S my beloved #it is still kind of...comical? how back home when i went to drs i would be like please help me im very ill #and they were like no youre good what are you talking about #and here i went to the drs like hahaha im fine just a lil under the weather no biggie #and all three of them have been like holy fuck bitch youre straight up dying #good healthcare love to see it holy god