#in my head im playing this like shes slowly being influenced to be the worst version of herself but no. no i'm just going off the rails.

[sanctamater]

calling bg3 amelia my pookie like she hasn't been responsible for the deaths of 90% of everyone she's encountered so far because i'm doing 'amelia's war criminal run'

#CANONLY SHE'S A WAR PROFITEER.... WHAT'S A LITTLE WAR CRIME? #this is all bc im romancing minthara 💀 #EVIL BUFF BLONDE WOMAN IN A CULT? AMELIA'S TYPE. #WAR CRIMINAL PUSSY HAS AMELIA ACTING UNWISE!! #in my head im playing this like shes slowly being influenced to be the worst version of herself but no. no i'm just going off the rails.

[vapcrwaves]

━♡ guess the 24 YEAR OLD JULY baby just arrived to dallyeog! it makes sense, because AOKI IMOJEN is just as BLAZING as the month of JULY. wait, why do they remind me of HIRAI MOMO? beyond that, they seemed SELF-RELIANT & BUOYANT upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of INSURGENT & RECKLESS though. i hope they get acquainted here in COMPLEX # 3 / APARTMENT # 2 / FLOOR # 2 ; they seem to have a lot going on with HER job as TATTOO ARTIST / BASSIST. 

bonjour , y’all !! my name’s jade ( she/her , twenty-one , gmt+8 ) !! and i’m super excited to meet and write with everyone !! this is my spunky kid , imojen , and i hope you’ll come to enjoy her as much as i did writing everything about her :D if you wanna plot , do not fret because i’ll be dropping in everyone’s IMs hehe , but if you prefer to plot over at discord , don’t hesitate to tell me !! <3 

*   𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖑𝖔𝖌𝖚𝖊   ╱  ʙᴀꜱɪᴄꜱ   .

name  :  aoki imojen  nicknames  :  yoki , jen . age  :  twenty - four . birthday  :  july 27 , 1996 . zodiac  :  leo sun , aquarius moon , sagittarius rising . place of birth  :  tokyo , japan . currently living  :  seoul , south korea . occupation  :  tattoo artist , bassist . pronouns  :  she / her . orientation  :  bisexual biromantic . ethnicity  :  japanese .  spoken languages  :   japanese , korean , english .  character insp.  :  kat stratford from 10 things i hate about you , bridget vreeland from sisterhood of traveling pants , effy stonem from skins uk , young carol rhodes from gossip girl tv series , rhonda smith , mia’s backstory from if i stay . label  /  tropes  :  hoyden , icarian , insurgent , reveller , the rebellious spirit . pinterest  :  here .  aesthetics  :   scared of commitment , but has 7 tattoos. a habit of endlessly lighting a lighter. platform boots to boost your height. but then again, sneakers for comfort while running from the cops. forgetting to discard empty cigarette packets from your bomber jacket. spilling your fifth espresso onto your drawings and designs , maybe it’s time to sleep. a frightening look on your face which millennials like to call a resting bitch face. the heat ruining your collection of leather jackets. finding comfort in your friends who seem to understand your mood swings. having a pet cat who’s as feisty as you. spontaneous adventures live inside your head and your friends fall victim to those ideas. liking the rays of the sun more than the moon despite being a night owl. oversleeps anyway. trimming your bangs yourself because you couldn’t be bothered to go to the salon. overcooking your sunny side up eggs. sleeping to forget problems. drinking to forget problems. epitome of a ride or die. 

*  𝖋𝖎𝖗𝖘𝖙 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗    ╱  ᴘᴀꜱᴛ   .

aoki imojen was born to understand what it was to live a life with no structure. her father was part of a rising band in the 90s, toured all over small venues in japan that they slowly rose to a known local name, and imojen has seen all the chaos unfold from backstage in the arms of her mom. however, slowly transitioning into the year of 2000s, the economy was still struggling from the lost decade and the income from touring never sufficed for a growing family. imojen’s father was forced to leave the music scene with the help of her mother’s influence: “it’s time to be serious”; and work multiple jobs in order to fully provide for his first child and the another growing one inside his wife’s womb. 

growing up, imojen’s no stranger to music and her father loved to introduce rock music and bands to imojen’s upbringing. she adored b’z and the gazette, and it leaves no doubt that imojen’s father had been her greatest influence in life. as she grew older, not only did they share identical music preferences and influences, but imojen’s learned to play various instruments— the bass being her favorite. imojen’s also stemmed from that infamous reckless behavior his father’s known for back in the day, and when the teenage years came, so did the impetuous reputation begin. 

imojen and her mother aren’t exactly as close as she was with her father. in fact, their relationship was a toe out of the civil line. it got worse when imojen started to focus on the band she created with friends instead of school and late night practices turned to never returning home for a few days and having the audacity to blatantly lie when asked where she was when asked. it’s hard not to blame her mother when she assumed things for the worst. imojen’s gone quite defiant especially when she discovered that her and her father’s relationship had began to run askew. imojen blames her mother’s interference with her father’s music career as much as her father did, she loved him so much that she was completely blindsided to always take his side. and when the divorce papers came and went, imojen chose her father as she always would. 

her father got a job as a musician locally and eventually overseas, however, money didn’t come by so fast and easy initially. instead of going to university, imojen invested in learning the arts in tattoo design and worked as a tattoo artist to help with the bills. the pair finally thought to settle in korea when imojen’s father got a permanent job. and at this time, imojen has decided to try pursue a career as a musician as well, hoping that the thrill in her early band days are still well stored in her system. 

*  𝖘𝖊𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖉 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗    ╱  ᴘʀᴇꜱᴇɴᴛ   .

imojen can never be satisfied of living in the same area for so long, or at least under the roof with the watchful eye of her father. work’s payed well and imojen decided to move out and get an apartment of her own. hence, she found dallyeog, parties almost every single day, drags everyone into spontaneous adventures, comes home terribly drunk and wakes up with a huge hangover—well, still pretty normal. aside from the norm, imojen working at the tattoo parlor and taking gigs at bars as a bassist, imojen’s investing in writing music as well. she hopes one day to finally finish at least one song she’s been procrastinating for far too long and convince her father to make them a rock duo instead, but a band of her own would fantastic too.  

*  𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖗𝖉 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗    ╱  ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ   .

imojen looks quite mean at first glance, and it doesn’t help that she’s indifferent towards anyone who isn’t part of already her friend. she doesn’t hate, hate is such a strong word, she simply doesn’t have the attention span for people that don’t interest her or she doesn’t know fully well to enjoy a conversation with.

honestly has the gina linetti energy “how was i supposed to know there’d be consequences for my actions” as she literally does anything she wants before her brain can even weigh the pros and cons to it.

imojen enjoys taking risks despite the relaxed attitude and seemingly nonchalant view in life. it might be a surprise to learn that she’s quite ambitious, but underneath, she does aim for the highs (both meanings) in life, except there isn’t exactly a time frame for those and would much rather pursue them steadily. 

everyone can depend on imojen to have a good time, or if someone needed a friend to vent to, she can surprisingly be all ears, but never follow her words of advice. she does mean well, it’s just that she doesn’t know what she’s saying half the time and is quite reckless,, like ask her to pick between two choices and she’ll advice you to take the riskier one bc “it’s fun don’t be a prude”.

she is more sympathetic than she let on. imojen’s not very vocal especially with her emotions and on what she exactly feels about other people’s situation. serious conversations? catch her yeet away from those. they render her uncomfortable, most especially if it is about her. however, seeing her friends gloomy doesn’t sit right with her that she does anything to make them crack a smile. 

believes that people should be left to roam free and that authority is useless and ruins the fun— hence why she’d always be caught defying them. yes, she uses her brain, but acts more towards intuition and what she felt like doing that day. so yes, she might loves setting her life on the line.

*   𝖋𝖔𝖚𝖗𝖙𝖍 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗   ╱  ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ ᴄᴏɴɴᴇᴄᴛɪᴏɴꜱ .

plastic hearts   ╱   someone whom imojen shares a passion for music with. the both of you are like peas in a pod as you both are in the same wavelengths as each other. they may not have the same types of music, but open enough to share a plethora of music playlists.

angels like you   ╱   the typical bad-good influence trope wherein imojen’s reckless behavior and liberated thoughts on legalities have gotten your muse in various dangerous but fun adventures. on a flip, your muse may be the reason why imojen’s woken up at 8 in the morning, bright, well, and not hungover.

prisoner   ╱   an angsty and toxic relationship that imojen could not get enough of. everyone sees this partnership (romantic or platonic) of destructive nature, both of you may or may not know, but regardless it can never be broke off no matter how hard both try. 

gimme what i want   ╱   the typical fwb relationship, we can add spice to it, but on the base that’s the idea. 

night crawling   ╱   imojen’s ride or die, the person she would instantly run to for an adventure, midnight strolls, alcohol escapades, and vandalism. but as things you both do burst into haywire, you’re both aren’t afraid to be open to each other too and spill secrets or bodies hidden in the closet. 

midnight sky   ╱   perhaps a new acquaintance?? friend?? that doesn’t exactly have a first good impression of imojen?? maybe vomited on your muse the first time they met, or jen was really mean for no reason under the influence of alcohol?? she’s chaotic so perhaps it wasn’t a good first meeting. 

bad karma   ╱   imojen hasn’t been exactly an angel all her life, and perhaps karma has run around to bite her in her ass. your muse might’ve been somebody who hurt imojen; either a terrible break up or severing trust, let’s explore :D 

golden g string    ╱   a band :D maybe nothing too serious, just a group of pals playing and making music together :D  or maybe the group's been playing gigs for awhile now and wants to head into the big leagues :D

honestly im so down with anything so !!!!!!

#[ PINNED POST ] #dallyeog:intro #this has gotten too long SORRYsdfsdf #but thanks for reading <3

[purplesurveys]

749

Have you ever had FOMO (fear of missing out)? Sure, I’ll get it quite often cause there’s always so much going on. If so, what's caused it? The last time I got FOMO it was when Blanch and Andrew made plans to have a drink Friday evening a few months ago, but they invited me by the time I was already home for at least a couple of hours. Fortunately for me the hangout never pushed through that day haha. Are you happy with your social life? I’m a lot happier with it given how dismal it used to be. I’ve since reconnected with some high school friends like Ciamae and my relationships with my orgmate friends are stronger than ever. If not, what would you have to do to change that? Have you ever hosted a party? If so, what kind of party was it? No. I don’t want to bear that responsibility lol I feel like I’d be awful at planning it and that I’d turn out to be a lousy host. I’d rather go to someone else’s party.

What's the best thing you can cook yourself? Meh, don’t remind me of my nonexistent cooking skills. Are there a lot of graffiti around your neighbourhood? No. It’s a gated subdivision, so not only is that not allowed, but the people living here probably aren’t into graffiti either. They’ll be pretty common once exiting the main gate of the village, though. What kind of a phone do you have? iPhone 8. What kinds of stuff do you have on your keychain? I only have the keys to my car and front door. I used to have a rainbow Mickey Mouse that Gabie got for me as well as a UP keychain thingy, but both of them fell off at some point so I stopped including non-key things on my keychain because I was really sad about losing those trinkets. Have you ever made something with your own hands that you're proud of? Yeah. I forgot which province that was in – I think it was Vigan? – but they had a pottery factory that we visited and I was able to make my own small vase. I wasn’t able to take it home because they said firing it would take a couple of days, so I only have a photo of my work as a souvenir. If so, what is it? ^ I’m pretty sure I already posted a photo of that vase on one of my surveys; I just don’t know if this is also the exact survey I answered before lol. What is your favourite Jack Lemmon film? I haven’t watched any of his work. I’ve always wanted to see The Apartment though. What is your favourite David Hyde Pierce film? Unfamiliar name so I had to look him up...andddd after Google I’ve learned I haven’t watched any of his work. A bit of an impressive portfolio though. Have you ever made your own soda? (Soda Stream doesn't count!) No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? I don’t feel forced out of the house by it lol but I do love going to museums and trying out new restaurants and what food they have to offer. It’s not as demanding as having Pokemon Go as a hobby as I like doing either on my own time. Have you ever been part of a theater group? No. If so, did you get any lead roles or mostly supporting roles? Which IM app do you use the most? Messenger. For a brief period during the quarantine my friends and I gave Telegram a shot since they also have games in there, but that only lasted like two weeks since the game bots were too wonky. What's the most ecological thing you do? I think it would be segregating my trash. I’ve forgotten most of the things my old school taught me but that’ll forever stay etched in my head, and I’m really grateful that my university also has separate trash bins to allow me to continue the practice, because so many other public areas don’t. My former music teacher, Ms. Ettie, also taught us to ‘save the polar bears.’ It’s essentially lessening your paper consumption by always folding your notebook leaves in half, but she’s always used ‘saving the polar bears’ with us both as an easy way for us to remember, and because it’s a cute way to put it. What's your favourite board game? Why do you like it best? I don’t really like playing lots of board games and I don’t get to encounter them much either. I always end up having a hard time following any of them – especially the new ones that seem to have much more rules :/ – and board games are too expensive these days anyway. Besides English, what other languages can you speak? Filipino. Besides English, what other languages can you read? Filipino. I’ve also been learning Spanish on Duolingo, but I’m still very rusty and despite being familiar with many words and phrases it’s still hard for me to read complete sentences altogether. Do you think you could make it as a chef? No, the kitchen and I have never been friends. This has baffled me for a long time because both sides of my family are known for their cooking, and my own dad is a chef. I dunno what happened to me or my siblings or cousins lol. What's your favourite kind of tea? Unhealthy, sweet, artificial/powdered iced tea. I also like the tea they give out at fancy hotels that are hot, thick, and almost taste like nothing since they make me feel fancy hahaha but I don’t get to have them a lot, so. How do you like your tea? ^ Just the first one I mentioned. I’m not much of a tea girl so the powdered iced teas are already enough for me. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you've been? There’s been many things that have made me extremely happy but I suppose I haven’t been as happy as the time I passed my dream school and the time I asked Gab out again and she said yes. Girls, do you ever just say "Fuck it!" and go without a bra? Yes. It’s hardly noticeable whether I’m wearing a bra or not because my chest is really tiny, and in fact it looks even more unnatural when I wear a bra because all of them are just too big for me, even the ones with the smallest cup sizes. Because of that I can alllllllways get away without wearing a bra in school and no one would bat an eye. What's the most freeing thing you've ever done? So far it’s been driving out of town by myself. Have you ever had a restaurant dish that was made with bugs? Unfortunately no. They had bug dishes in Vigan but the menu said their availability would depend on if they’re in season, and unfortunately we were there at a time when they had no bug dishes and I had to settle with the next most exotic thing they had, frog legs. The next place I wanna get to try bugs in is definitely Thailand. If not, would you even want to try one? Yup, I just said I do. Do you think today's kids are really impatient? In the same way that adults are. A lot of kids are exposed to the internet now, so I suppose they’re influenced to be impatient a lot quicker what with the possibility of their videos buffering, websites loading slowly, and other factors like those. But then again I don’t know if I’m making sense; I haven’t had to handle and observe a young kid in years. Have you ever tasted birch sap? Nope.

How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? I haven’t. Which edible flowers have you tasted? I don’t think I’ve tried any of them? And answering no to the last three questions has made me realize how inexperienced of a foodie I still am haha. What has been your worst restaurant experience? I can think of three but there were always external reasons as to why they were bad. 

Mad Mark’s was really bad and we had to follow-up so many times for each of our meals AND our check, but I’m not as resentful towards them since one of the seemingly only two servers present was pregnant. 

Barcino’s service was also quite awful and we waited an hour for our food, but we forgave them since it was Valentine’s and the place was ridiculously busy. 

Probably the worst experience comes from a family dinner at Shakey’s, but only because it was my parents’ fault. I had no problem at all with the service but I think my mom and dad just decided to be extraordinarily snippy that evening and criticize every single thing our server – and eventually, the manager – did. It was really embarrassing and I remember spontaneously crying out of frustration at their childish behavior lol. We ended up walking out with my mom sneering “your service sucks” to the manager and me giving him an apologetic look. It was so brutally embarrassing, eugh.

What's the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? Probably Pewdiepie jokes. Have you ever had a life threatening condition? If so, what was it? Nope. Do you ever compare your life to somebody else's? If so, why? Eh, it’s something we can’t help but do sometimes. What is a food item or a dish you absolutely cannot stand? Fruitcake or food for the gods. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? Not me personally, but I’ve ordered t-shirts with custom prints back in high school for our events. What does your favourite mug look like? I really only have one mug and I’ve described it so many times on here, so I just looked for it on Google this time and this is what it looks like. The design turns blue when the beverage inside is hot, and it gradually fades back to black as it cools down.

Do you ever copy surveys to Facebook Notes and share your answers? Mmm nope. I’ve only taken surveys and posted them on my Tumblr. What's the best thing about today? I found out Keeping Up with the Kardashians is coming to Netflix by June and I CANNOOOOOOOT be any more excited for it haha. Do you ever read other people's survey answers? Yes, always. Everyone I follow on here writes very well and it’s always interesting to read their answers :) Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Nighttime. I don’t really like the sun and I’ve found the nightlife more suitable to my personality, interests, vibe, etc. What's your highest level of education so far? I’m taking up an undergraduate degree but I’m supposed to be graduating this year. The schedule is still wonky due to coronavirus, but I have hope in graduating. I still 130% don’t know if I will be taking up law but I’ve had family and friends lightly nagging me to try taking law school entrance exams in 2021. If you could have any job in the whole world, which would you like? A travel blogger/vlogger. Describe your ordinary day. Back when life was still...normal, I’d drive 1-1.5 hours before my first class so I can beat the traffic, but usually I’d still end up in bad traffic because that’s Metro Manila for you. What I would do on my free time depends; if my schedule was freer I’d go to Skywalk to hang with friends, but sometimes I’ll have errands to run like printing something at the internet cafe. I have nearly-daily meetings in the afternoon so I’ll have to go to those too; and then 1-2 times a week I’ll drive to Ortigas so I can see my girlfriend. It was a very hectic schedule and I miss it a lot. Would you ever have a UV tattoo? A what now? What is the brand and colour name of your favourite lipstick? I don’t have one. What do you like on your tortilla? Just whatever goes on a fajita. I don’t really have tortillas much. How about inside your pita bread? ^ All the same, just whatever goes in a shawarma as it’s one of my favorite food. What do you like in your burger? I answered this in a previous survey but I wouldn’t hesitate to order a burger if a menu says it has caramelized onions, brioche buns, and some kind of secret special sauce because that always makes me curious haha. I’ll sometimes go for bacon, jalapeño, or eggs too, but not always. How about on your pizza? I only ever order quattro formaggi; I never have the heart to order anything else as it’s my favorite variety of pizza heh. Would you ever take part in a games club? Probs not as it’s not really my hobby. If so, what would be your ideal club? I dunno, this question is quite vague haha. I suppose if there’s an club or org that bands together people who love history, debates about it, or likes watching documentaries on different history topics, I’d jump on it. Would you be able to give a speech on your favourite subject right now? Sure. We used to have several impromptu speech exercises in my public speaking class and no matter how much I dreaded each of them I always did quite well, so I got convinced that I must have some sort of talent or skill in it that I never got to discover until I had that class. Do you work better alone or in a group? Depends on what needs to be done. If there’s a video that needs to be done or a poster that has to be made, I’d be much more comfortable if I was in a group cause then someone else could take over those tasks.

Are you more comfortable as a leader or a follower? It also depends. If I like the topic or task we’re given, I have no problem leading the group. Which one of your friends have you known the longest? For how long? Angela, 15 years. What is your favourite song right now at this very moment? It’s a local song called Sino by Unique Salonga. It’s not a recent song anymore, but I came across a fan video of Unique performing it in a gig and just fell in love with it all over again.

#survey #surveys

[bang-me-bangtan-style]

fucking with joshua

incident 05 | spellbound

00 | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 ….

paring: Hong Jisoo / Joshua x reader

genre: smut, innocence, corruption, sexual predator, seducing, going against morals

summary: A recorded list of incidents of you corrupting the innocent Hong Jisoo.

notes: this series is based on a predatory OC don’t read if your not into that or are against. you’ve been warned.

You were searching for your keys in your purse. You had just come back from practice with the potential girls you would be combined in a girl group with. Hopefully. "Fuck," you cursed when you finally found them. You opened the door and took your shoes off in the foyer. You heard a distinctive laugh that you couldn't stand, and your hair raised giving you goosebumps. You through your purse to the floor and you knew that you were going to be mad.

  That fucking bitch was here.

 Tyuzu.

 How could he bring her over when she punched you in the face and made your nose bleed? You became furious and instantly went into the living room. You haven't talked to Joshua for two weeks and from the look on his face you could tell he wasn't expecting anyone to be home especially you.

 They were all cooped up on the couch together looking at something on her phone. So, the moment Joshua realized you were standing there furious he froze. Finally, Tyuzu looked up at you and instantly got heated. She hated you- you were a bitch. A schematic bitch.

 “Joshua what the fuck is she doing here?”  You said ignoring her as if she wasn't there.

 “Don't worry about why I'm here you cunt-” Tyuzu snapped. But you ignored her like she wasn’t shit. Because, she. Wasn’t. Shit.

 “Why do you have trash in here this late in the day? And alone, where are the boys?” You said asking 20/20 questions like you were the police.

 Tyuzu started to get up but Joshua grabbed her your heart breaking. He was going to defend her this time and not you. Funny.

 “Y/n don't call her trash, you wouldn’t like it if she called you a slut?”

 You froze. You drew your head back and your whole world came crashing down. So, we were doing That again? Calling you a slut and whatnot? And what was even worse- he was defending the cunt.

 “Well she is a slut, but since Im trash I don’t have an opinion do I baby? Tyuzu laughed and looked at her phone snuggling into Joshua’s side.

“SLUT”

“BABY”

Oh fuck no.

 You couldn't move. What was this? What was happening here? This didn't make any sense. This was terrible, terrifying. Your worst nightmare. Joshua egging Tyuzu on was a moment in hell. So, you snapped. You really snapped.

 "You weren't saying that when you mad me cum." You were going to play dirty. He wanted to be that way? So be it but he wouldn't get out alive he was going to be in for it if anything.

 Tyuzu became alarmed and she quickly turned to Joshua. "You fucked this slut?" She began hitting his chest. “I thought you told me you didn’t?!!!”

 "Yes, he fucked this slut," you lied.

 Tyuzu became furious and Joshua now realized he shouldn’t have started a fire. Because he couldn't deny being sexual with you two weeks ago although he was still a Virgin he was more impure than he was two weeks ago. And any moment longer with you- you would have had his cock inside you. It would have just slipped right in.

 “Tyuzu I didn't actually- I,” Joshua didn't know what to say. He was in a pickle. He had fucked up and he didn't know what he really had gotten himself into. What he really should have done was shut the fuck up and bask in that you were jealous that Tyuzu was over in the first place-  but of course he had wanted more out of you and that what he got. Fire.

 “What happened to our plans to lose it to another? What happened to the future we talked about and possibly marriage?” She was furious, crying, butthurt, and Joshua could only glare at you as the fire ignited around you. You were the devil in disguise and there was no doubt about it. Joshua knew you were spoiled and you always got what you wanted. That's what was terrifying of you.

 She devil.

 "He has a really nice cock too thick and tall and in my mouth. He came so hard in my mouth. I gaged on his shit. and to think that he never used it I showed him how he fucked me like a pro," you deviously said.

Tyuzu got up and came at you and grabbed you by the hair. " why can't you just stop, what can't you leave him alone?" Now she was blaming you as if you forced him to touch you..... well you kind of did but that was besides the point.

 Tyuzu punched you again and you about had it. Remember when you said she would get hers? Well here it was. You sucker punched her in the mouth twice and she let go of you real quick. She didn't even know what hit her. You hit like a man. She was lucky it had taken this long to get her ass back. Tyuzu stumbled back and instantly started crying. Screaming, your force of fist was 5 times that of hers and it was really unexpected. She really didn’t expect that.

 That's what you get bitch put your hands on me again I bet you won't. Tyuzus lip instantly started to swell up and Joshua quickly went to her side.

 “You didn't have to hit her that hard,” he spat. “you busted her lip.”

 “Well she almost broke my nose!” you screamed as he defended her and not you.

 “Well maybe if you would leave peoples men alone she wouldn't have-“ he stopped before he realized what he had said.

 “Oh, so your her man now?”

 “I-” he stuttered.

 “You what?!” you screamed.

 He gave you a look before he helped Tyuzu up and headed for the kitchen. And when they disappeared you became even more mad. You grabbed all her shit and opened the door and threw it out in the hallway. Her purse went flying everywhere its contents spilling out. You were angry devious and petty. You hoped the neighbors would snatch her shit up. You slammed the door closing it in on them like this was hell and you were there to greet them.

 You went to the kitchen and Joshua was icing her face. You wanted nothing but to get rid of the bitch- " get her out of here, I don't want her here." You screamed.

 “fuck you!” Tyuzu screamed threw the ice pack.

 “fuck you bitch, I bet you won’t fuck with me again.” You said trying to come at her again. She instantly started to hide behind Joshua’s tall frame.

 Joshua made Tyuzu hold her ice pack and quickly grabbed you into the living room away from her.

 “Stop this.” Joshua demanded.

 “No! You stop this! You’re only doing this because you’re scared of me! I scared you so your trying to shack it up with this bitch. Miss-goody-two-shoes!!”

 Joshua looked down. He knew you were right. You had scared him. He was terrified.

 “And I'm telling you if you pretend that you love her you’re going to regret it in the end. Quit pretending to be something you’re not Jesus boy. You’re slowly falling from heaven.”

 “I'm not” he snapped.

 “You are, and you’re bound to fall straight into my hell.” You glaring up at him.

 You guys just stared at another. Joshua was angry because he knew it was true. He knew that he was because his thoughts of sex had gone a 360 which resulted in his antics now. Trying to mask them and cover them up. Tyuzu was a comfort zone from which he was guilty he abused. He dint love the girl he wanted nothing to with her but he knew she kept him grounded.

 You on the other hand lifted him up and he experienced nothing he had before. You made him feel something he never thought he could feel and it was scary. With the influence of you and a little time he could be just as or worse than you. addicted. The queen of the damned. He out to be your king soon.

 You wanted to corrupt him and convert him. Make him dirty.

 “Whatever.” Joshua said. He tried to turn away but then you grabbed him and kissed him roughly to remind him who he belonged to. He tried to get away but then he let go because every time you kissed him he felt submissive and he liked it. You were the dominant one and he knew one day you would dominate him to no end.

 “Remember who you belong to.” You said claiming him out into the open. Exposing your intentions. Who you really were. A she devil.

Behind him stood Tyuzu and tears were falling from her face you kissed him again him unaware of her presence and he lost control him grabbing your ass wanting to ravish your body yet once again. But you let go cutting it short.

 “Remember who he belongs to,” you said looking past him looking her straight into her eyes. Joshua looked at you confused.  Sobbing started behind him, he came back down to earth and realized where he was and who was here. He was no longer in a trance.

 Because you possessed him. He belonged to you.

And there was nothing more to say.

 Joshua quickly got out your spellbound arms and you smirked at Tyuzu, as he went to her. She started to cry harder and hit his chest screaming kicking and you watched it all unfold. There was nothing he could do.  He knew what the deal was you didn't know why he was pretending. He tried to calm her down, but it was of no use now she really believed that you fucked and the way he touched your body made her believe so. Perfect.

 “Tyuzu Im sorry-”

 “WHY?! BECAUSE YOU CAN’T CONTOL YOURSELF OR BECAUSE YOUR PURITY IS GONE AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE BEEN TELLING ME WAS A LIE!!!? She looked at you before looking at him. She hated you so much.” WHY HER?!!! WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON’T?  SHE IS NOT EVEN THAT GOOD LOOKING!!!!”

 “Bitch,” you started,” you look like you got punched in the face… you paused. “oh wait…” you laughed.

 “What's so funny you homewrecker.” She started to scream because she was just so overwhelmed by you.

 “Why don't you get out my house.” You said unbothered which pissed her off even more.

 “This isn't your house!” she screamed.

 “Oh, but it is I run this show here- ask the boys.”

 “What a whore house?!”

 “Is that all you got?! Just because I like sex doesn't mean I fuck everyone in the house. The only person I fuck is Joshua so suck on that one,” you said unbothered.

 Joshua dodge Tyuzu as she tried to hit him again and tried to hold her still.

 “Joshua get her out my house, so we can have hot dirty sex.” you said.  Joshua shot you a dirty look.

 You really weren’t helping and although Joshua wanted to be mad at you he couldn't. He knew he would sin, eventually. He knew you would get in his pants and he couldn't say anything more. He just had to wait it out and hope he didn't submit to you too soon. Faster than he intended.

 “Fuck you both! Both of you can burn in hell!” she caught Joshua off guard and slapped him his head whipping yo the side. You laughed because she wouldn't dare come close to you again. But you had to admit you felt bad for Joshua ‘cause he got slapped again.

Tyuzu went searching for her purse and shoes. “Where is my shit?!” she screamed at you.

You laughed, and you shrugged your shoulders. She started to come at you again and this time Joshua stood in front of you. He closed his eyes and sighed while Tyuzu staired at him furiously. “where is her stuff so she can leave y/n”

“out in the hallway.”

Tyuzu ran out of the dorms. With the slam of the door.

 Joshua got mad. Taking it out on you. “This is all your fault! Why did you have to go and start shit-” he said as he turned around to face you glaring down at you.

 “Oh, I started it? yeah I started it! You called me a slut! yet once again and egged her on she and you and that bitch got what you deserved.”

  He towers over you and you looked up at him. “What say something.” you pushed. Joshua just stood there his hand fisted. He wanted to hit anything but you. So, he hit the nearby wall over and over.

 “You’re really a bad influence you’re doing something to me and-”

 “It scares you.” You finished.

 “You’re not the only one doing something to someone.”

 You grabbed Joshua's hand and caressed it gently because he fucked his hand up by hitting the wall by being so angry at you.

 Joshua's eyes darted from side to side taking your beautiful exterior in. There was just something about you that made him weak. Although you were dirty dark and umpure inside, you made him weak. He wanted to fall at your feet.

 “What am I doing?” he said huskily. His head inching towards yours.

 “Your changing my views.”

 “On what?” he breathed.

 “On….. love. “you said looking down.

 Joshua lost it and picked you up and you wrapped your legs around him. He carried you to the couch and he sat down you on his lap. He instantly got hard for you and you both forgot that you were mad at each other the past few weeks.

 You moaned, and it was like music to Joshua's ears. He wanted to make you make that sound over and over so he grinned your hips with his to make you feel every part of him.

 And he got to hear you again but this time his name slipped from your lips in a moan like sound and he groaned.

 “What are you doing to me? he breathed.

 You found his ear and whispered, “corruption.”

#joshua hong au #hong jisoo #joshua hong #kpop seventeen #seventeen jisoo #seventeen fanfic #Seventeen #seveenteen #seventeen au #jisoo x reader #jisoo au #seventeen x reader #jisoo scenarios #jisoo smut #joshua smut #noonasland.com #noona_kink.com #noona kink.com #bang me bangtan style #bang me bangtan style: fucking with joshua

[pacman-tattoo]

control [jeremy h. x squipped!reader] pt.2

says squipped reader when reader isn’t “““““technically””””” squipped in this

so... control pt2

aka: tris rewrites this shit because she got angry at the original

fun fact: the original??? i took a break while writing the first part because i needed to.

and now its Dead rip

warnings: uh general language because its me, plus the SQUIP’s somewhat haunting ur ass so...

rip.

       Jeremy Heere was in four of your classes. Four. Four out of seven classes. And now, you didn’t blame him if he wanted to get out of those four classes. In english he sat across the room, thank fuck, usually napping behind one of many football players in your class because english was first thing in the morning on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays; in chemistry, he sat two desks ahead of you - which wasn’t too far but not too close either, giving Jeremy his distance from you - with Michael occupying the seat next to him as the two make dumb jokes together; Spanish was similar, Jeremy sitting next to the door by some stroke of luck, and was often outside within seconds; and in math...

       In math, Jeremy Heere sat right next to you. In math, Jeremy Heere used to ask if he could borrow a calculator because he always forgot his and you were always done first. And a month ago, you would have grown flustered and tongue-tied at the mere thought of Jeremy talking to you, your stomach doing flips. Math was where the class was practically filled to the brim and talking to the teacher meant speaking loud enough for anyone and everyone to pick up on the fact that Jeremy Heere had a problem with where he was sitting and someone could find out that Jeremy Heere had a problem with you and then they’ll all find out you were a freak who was under the control of a pill - a fucking pill - and that you were a freak, just like Richard Goranski, who was also influenced by the same sort of shit. And moving seats meant Jeremy would be moved away from Michael, who probably hated you and - did you blame him because you used him, didn’t you?

       You raised your hand halfway through the lecture, the tightness in your chest constricting your thoughts as you remembered the shit that still plagued you every night. Luck seemed to finally be on your side as Mr.Gretch happened to turn away from the whiteboard long enough to see you, punctuating the air with a red dry-erase marker.

      “[y/l/n].” He doesn’t ask or anything - he stated your name simply, voice gruff with age. You almost forgot what you were about to say, only to tear your eyes away from the hand still on your desk to see there were a few eyes on you.

      “Can I,” you began, forcing a breath down, “can I go to the nurse?”

       He nodded after a moment, as if he was going to mule over should I send my student on the verge of a panic attack to the nurse, or should I just watch them sit and suffer for a bit longer? 

       But you shouldered the thought and slide out of your seat, ignoring the softest snicker from an asshole in the front of the room, and pulled the sleeves of your hoodie as far down over your hands as they would reach. That’s what you had begun to do - you’d tug at your sleeves, play with the edge of your shirts or hoodies, or you’d fiddle with the drawstrings. Little things that you’d begun to pick up as every time you began to-

       .... You’d flinch. Your hands would be at your side within seconds and you’d be waiting. As if it was still there. As if it would hurt you. But even still... You were scared it would. The thought of it creeping out of some dark recess of your mind, taunting you softly because did you really think you could get rid of it, you fucking idiot and reminding you of what you are and who yu were and what you could have been.

       But then there was Rich. The one person that understood you, that understood what you’d been through because he’d been through it and worse. The one person that you didn’t expect to stay by your side after the “shiny, happy hive mind” was as gone as it could be after it toyed around with the two of you carelessly. He came over to your house often, despite the decent distance between you two - but it was worth it. You two could stick together. Then again, sometimes he’d stay over and that was nice. Rich’s presence was enough to keep nightmares away, honestly. Anyone’s presence would have been enough to keep nightmares away in your mind.

       But dear god, the nightmares. The nightmares were fucking terrible and you hated them when they were at their worst.

       At their lightest, the nightmares would consist of maybe you by yourself - maybe Rich or Michael there. Rich you could face, while Michael was a little tougher, because usually he’d be saying shit about how you used him - things you hoped the real Michael wouldn’t say to you. When it was worse, there’d be Jeremy, insulting you for thinking a SQUIP could make you cool or some shit. For thinking something could help you be someone he’d like.

       Then there were the nightmares where you’d be on the ground and there’d be Jeremy. Just Jeremy, standing there, watching you. You couldn’t speak. He just didn’t. You weren’t sure how, but there’d be... the faintest, thinnest electric blue lines over his neck - the same lines you swore you’d seen on your SQUIP-

       And that’s when the SQUIP would appear. 

       And that was when you woke up.

       At least, that’s all you remembered. That’s all you cared to remember. That was all you wanted to remember. 

       Maybe that was why you swore you still heard the SQUIP. If the SQUIP was back, then... were you really surprised? You tried to cheat, technically, and this was what you deserved - at least, that’s what you told yourself. It didn’t surprise you. You fucked up. You shouldn’t be surprised.

      But what did surprise was you how Michael was always there, even after all the shit you did and didn’t too, shit you were going to do if time had allowed, shoving a bottle of Mountain Dew Red into your hands. Then you’d thank him and then he’d be gone, telling you something along the lines of ‘no problem’ without a second thought. 

       The first time it happened, he gave the bottle to you and left you alone, staring at the bottle, assuming you were going to drink it. But then you were thinking - which wasn’t good when you thought something was going to come back into your head. But with shaking hands, you texted Rich.

      [y/n]: what if its coming back.

      Rich immediately had responded. He knew the feeling all too well - Michael was his hook up for the soda as well, often getting a bottle passed to him during the school day.

      rich: fuck

      rich: text michael

      rich: get mtn dew red

      [y/n]: i have some but

      [y/n]: what if

      [y/n]: i don’t drink it.

      rich: [y/n]

      rich: don’t.

      [y/n]: what if i let it come back and it helps me this time?

      [y/n]: im tired of overthinking everything

      [y/n]: i dont want to deal with second guessing everything i do anymore

      rich: omw

      Not even an hour later, you had Rich sitting with you in your backyard as you stared down the fruity soda that sat between you two and the moonlight bathing you. At first Rich was pissed, silently fuming as you mutely sat across from him. But then the anger seemed to dissipate, and he slowly reached across the table - your hand flying out to grab the bottle before he stopped. And then he took your hand, running his thumb across your knuckles. His hand was warm. It was nice.

      “Look. I know.”

      You frowned.

      “It seems fucking easier. But... don’t.”

      “Rich?” You said softly. He knew the feeling. He knew the fucking feeling.

      “Just don’t!” He snapped, shoving the bottle to you. You unscrewed it and drank it, and then he left you alone.

      Rich told Michael after that. Since Rich couldn’t afford the drive to your house every time you had even the smallest inkling of the SQUIP coming back, even if he did understand the feeling because he felt the slight clawing at the back of his mind and the softest whisper of his name taunting him sometimes, Michael would come over and stay long enough to watch you drink the shit before leaving - or on rarer days, he’d linger around a bit longer. You weren’t sure why - you were pretty sure Michael hated you for what you did. Not that you blamed him, still. Usually he was quiet and seemed to watch you, taking in every movement, as if the SQUIP would come back anyhow and force you into doing anything-

      “What was it like?” He asked one January day. You chewed the inside of your cheek.

      “Like. What do you mean?”

      Michael frowned before shrugging “Having the-” He paused for a beat, slowly continuing, “a voice in your head.”

      “Like... being a puppet, kind of. I could not listen to it,” you trace circled around the bottle of soda, “but then it’d get pissed.”

      “Why’d you take it?”

      The moment you started picking at your nails, your hands jerked away, eyes shut as you waited for the pain to burst through your nerves. But it didn’t. “I thought it’d help me.”

      Michael didn’t ask anything else. You sort of thanked the world that he didn’t. You weren’t sure how you’d answer.

       Hell, sometimes you thought that maybe you didn’t even answer him honestly the first time. 

       Water splashed around your feet as you sulked home one day, your hood as far over your face as it could go, and your body fighting back a shiver as the wind seemed to penetrate right through you - the rain making everything worse. You wished you had a car. You wished you had a bike. Anything would be better than having to walk - even if it wasn’t too far of a walk. So you crossed your arms as tight to your chest, ignoring the fact you were probably losing homework because your bag was soaking wet and you’d probably get a nice string of zeroes to brighten your day.

       The sound of an engine caught your attention, as you finally look up to meet the red PT Cruiser that had just pulled over next to the sidewalk, the passenger side window rolling down as Jeremy looked over to Michael, who only shot you a gentle smile.

      “Need a ride?” Michael asked. You frowned. Before you could answer, Michael interrupted you, “just get in the car, [y/n].”

       So you did, your bag ending up shoved in the floor behind Michael’s seat. You didn’t speak, shuddering again. It’d be a miracle if you didn’t end up sick from this, honestly.

      “Why were you walking home in the rain?” Jeremy finally asked, peering into the rear-view mirror in an attempt to get a glimpse of you. 

      “I don’t drive.”

      “What about Rich?”

       You sort of sunk down, pulling the soaked hood down. “I didn’t wanna bother him. And he lives thirty minutes in the opposite direction of the school - I didn’t want him to deal with driving me home.” You searched your pockets for your keys. Fuck, did you forget them?

       The sound of your pats against your hoodie pocket, through your backpack - anything your keys might be - caught Michael’s attention. “You alright?”

      “Not really. I forgot my keys.” You paused, “fuck, my parents are at work.”

      “How long?”

      “Another few hours.”

       So you ended up at Michael’s house, wearing one of Michael’s shirts, copying the homework for the classes that you had with them. You’d buy more paper and shit later - work first.

       Fuck, your calculator was probably dead. You looked up to Michael and Jeremy. “Can... I borrow a calculator?”

       Jeremy held one out. For a second you didn’t question it, but then you remembered. Jeremy never had his calculator. So...

      “You, uh, left it. I was gonna give it back on Monday, but...”

       You genuinely managed to smile. “Thank you.”

       “Don’t mention it.”

       Luck was definitely not on your side. Saturday started off shitty - the feeling that something was off started to throw you. It was the feeling that you sort of knew that you were getting sick - the slight feeling that the world was dragging around you because you were sort of beginning to falter. The room felt too cold and then too warm and you just started feeling so fucking drowsy that you ended up lying in bed and skipping dinner because of it. You barely remembered texting Rich that you felt like shit - or was it Michael or Jeremy or- fuck if you remembered, you were asleep within minutes for once.

       The next morning - roughly 3 AM morning - you were in the bathroom and basically hating everything. At least it was Sunday. You didn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to see and you could sleep and maybe get through whatever the fuck you were stuck with. So you eventually trudged your way back into your room, face hot and head foggy with the clouds that a fever brought, and threw yourself back onto your bed and you did your best to sleep off what you could before your mother was in the room, waving you up. When you complained, she only clicked her tongue before pressing a hand to your forehead, tearing it away at the immense heat there before saying she’ll pick you up something while she and your father were getting groceries. You thanked her and promptly went back to sleep.

       The next time you woke up, it was because of Jeremy. You stared at the screen, blinking away the blurred vision of sleep as you flicked up the settings, lowering the brightness as much as you can - and even then, it was still too bright, damn it - before you grew aggravated and tossed your phone back onto the nightstand. Jeremy could wait.

       Hunger grasped at your stomach within hours, despite the nausea that washed over you. You ignored it, turned over, and wrapped blankets closer to you. You manage to stomach the medicine your mother brought you, and then you’re back to sleep.

       Monday. Right before lunch was when Jeremy and Michael both text you - a newly formed group chat awaiting you when you manage to push through your headache long enough to see what the hell they wanted. You squinted at the screen, making out too-bright text on the lowest brightness your phone would go, before scowling. Fuck this shit.

       michael: do either of you need anything

       Did neither of them realize you were sick as fuck? Then again, you hadn’t mentioned it, so...

       [y/n]: dude i’m sick

       michael: i know

       michael: jeremy wouldnt shut up about how ur presence apparently got him sick

       jeremy: im good

       [y/n]: jeremy how the fuck did i get you sick

       No response. You frowned.

       [y/n]: jeremy

       michael: he probably went back to sleep

       Lucky asshole.

       michael: do you need anything?

       michael: medicine? soup? anything?

       [y/n]: dude im sick

       [y/n]: i don’t want you getting sick

       michael: i can drop whatever outside ur house

       michael: that’s what i’m doing for jeremy

       [y/n]: idk soup or something would be great

       michael: k

       What did you do to deserve Michael’s kindness? During what would be your lunch break at school, you received a text from Michael telling you that he left some things for you outside your front door. You rolled out of bed, blanket draped over your shoulders as if you were a weary king looking over his kingdom, as you made your way outside to find a bag sitting right outside your door. You pull it from it’s spot, trekking back inside before stopping inside the kitchen. You opened the bag, finding a blue thermos sitting inside, a note attached with “wash the shit out of this (or burn it)” messily scrawled across it. Aside from that, there was a box of tissues - the quality kind. As in, not off-brand, but still nothing too fancy. You’d have to thank Michael a thousand times at least because, jesus, after everything he was still a sweetheart.

       When you texted him, he mentioned that it was his parents’ recipe and it always helped him whenever he was sick as fuck. He had asked them to make some for Jeremy and he “just happened” to bring an extra for you. Yeah. Right. An extra would be a small Tupperware container of soup - not a thermos full that was still warm to the touch. So you sort of smiled at the gesture.

       Tuesday rolled around after a day where you basically slept off everything - at least, until late in the morning. Your headache cleared slightly, you weren’t shaking of burning up every two seconds, and the dull ache that overtook you had lessened. You found your phone and decided to bother Jeremy and Michael.

       jeremy: fuck

       jeremy: being

       jeremy: sick

       From two hours ago.

       [y/n]: you alright dude

       Barely seconds passed before the bubble popped up.

       jeremy: no I’m dying

       [y/n]: are you any better tho?

       jeremy: kinda.

       [y/n]: thats good at least

       jeremy: you?

       [y/n]: not dying as much but still dying

       michael: look

       michael: i’m glad you two are feeling better

       michael: really, i am

       michael: but can you two not text this chat because gretch keeps glaring at me

       michael: it’s like he has a sixth sense for phones or some shit

       So you two moved your conversation for the sake of Michael. The conversation rolled over into how the two of you would have to make up so much fucking schoolwork. Eventually you asked to call him, eyes tired from staring at a dim screen that still felt too damn bright. He agreed. You were kind of happy to hear his voice, honestly - you hadn’t heard it in days. You sort of missed it, honestly.

       You fell asleep hours later feeling happy.

       Eventually it was Thuesday - or well, technically Friday. You felt weak and your hands were shaking and chills greeted you as you fumbled out of bed, tugging your hoodie closer to your shaking form as you made your way to the kitchen. The dull hum of the microwave kept you company at three in the morning, the edge of the counter bearing into your back as you shut your eyes, waiting, getting lost in the low whir that filled the kitchen. You shivered again, the droning feeling too personal, too close to you and not in the kitchen anymore.

      “[y/n]...”

       The sound of your name was soft, almost purred into your ear as your eyes snapped open. The chill that traveled down your spine was quick, and you winced at the mere thought that began to haunt you. No. No, no no, this wasn’t possible, was it? You were doing so well. You hadn’t needed Michael in weeks, and you didn’t even feel the ghost of a shock waving down your nerves or the phantom touch running over your skin. You were fine.

      “No.” You said, the word falling heavy through the air.

      “Did you really think you could get rid of me that easily, [y/n]?” The voice cooed. The sound of the rain pounding outside caught your attention, and the kitchen seemed to grow colder than it was before.

      You tore away from the counter, making your way to your room. You ignored the dull ache in your mind as you found Jeremy’s contact still open and you called him without an ounce of hesitation in every thought, every movement. 

      His voice was groggy, and he croaked when he spoke, your name interrupted by a yawn - “it’s three a-”

      “It’s back. Jeremy, it’s back,” you said, voice quivering as you felt fingers gently run over your own, the faint figure before you gently pulling your wrist away, lowering the cold surface of your phone away from your cheek. Part of you wanted to fight it, to bare your teeth and refuse to lie down and take this again. But then there was something within you, something weighing down your stomach as you realized that maybe this wouldn’t be like last time.

       The SQUIP ran their thumb over your hand, eyes frighteningly gentle. You watched as something about their figure began to flicker, glitching in and out. Their voice matched their appearance, wavering and jutting in and out in different pitches every so often, “you can fix me, [y/n]. Then I can do my job and we can get back to work.”

       You tore your hand back, quick to your feet. You left your room, clutching your phone in your hand. Jeremy had hung up - you didn’t blame him, he probably didn’t want anything to do with you now that the SQUIP was back and he was probably going to tell Rich or Michael or everyone he could about how you were a freak with a computer in your brain that just wouldn’t leave you the fuck alone.

       The frantic knocking at your door, kept light enough that it wouldn’t alert anyone too quickly jutted you out of your thoughts as you aimlessly searched for a solution mentally. You turned, undoing the lock and tearing the door open, and before you knew it, Jeremy Heere was in your house, soaking wet from the rain, and a cold plastic of a bottle of Mountain Dew Red was in your hands. He stared at you, shaking in the faint sliver of light from the kitchen, panting softly. Did he run here? Fuck, you knew you shouldn’t called him-

      “Drink it,” he said softly, “please.”

       You uncapped the bottle and it hissed at you, but you downed every drop. The sound akin to a computer shutting down greeted you as pain overtook you, and you winced. Nothing compared to what you faced the first time, but it was enough to make the bottle slip from your grip and enough that Jeremy’s hands were on you, keeping you standing and there. Your breathing evened out eventually, but Jeremy’s hands were still on you as you slowly looked up at him.

      “I’m sorry.”

      “You heard it.” He stared at you, “holy shit, you actually heard it, didn’t you?”

       You nodded slowly. Thunder clapped outside and you jumped, arms hugging close to yourself. Jeremy looked outside, staring at the rainfall. 

       It was your idea for him to change into one of the bigger, baggier shirts that you owned. He sat across from you, a towel hanging around his shoulders as he watched you eat. Neither of you spoke, only seeming to take in details in the silence. He was paler and the circles under his eyes were more pronounced and you had to wonder how he wasn’t sleeping when all you had wanted to do was sleep. He noticed how your hair was a mess, the tiredness in your eyes and weighing down every limb.

       Neither of you intended on falling asleep. Jeremy had stretched out over one side of your bed, his phone dully illuminating his features as he flipped through apps. But at some point one of you fell and then eventually did the other, and somehow through drowsy movements, you ended up with your head on his chest and his arm around you. For once you sort of felt secure, as if you didn’t live day to day with the small bubble of a thought in the back of your mind, reminding you of what you’d done and the risk of it returning. As if the world fell away around you two, even for a while.

       You woke up before Jeremy did - or at least, you thought you did. An hour earlier, Jeremy had woken up, the weight of you lying on him grasping his attention and sending the heat rushing to his cheeks as he immediately grew uncertain of what to do. This was new. Was he supposed to wake you up or just- fuck he didn’t want to because he wasn’t sure how much you’d actually slept and you seemed so panicked earlier and now you were peaceful and so at ease that he just wasn’t sure. So eventually he managed to fake sleeping when he felt you stirring on his chest. You propped yourself up, and the weight of you left him, and you yawned.

      “Jeremy?” You croaked, looking at him through drowsy eyes. You reached out, gently shaking him, “Jer?”

       He feigned waking up as well as he could, and apparently it was convincing enough since you didn’t question anything.

      “You should go home,” you said, “I mean, does your dad know you’re here?”

       Jeremy shrugged, “I mean... he’s my dad. He knows I’m... Heere.” The regret immediately shown as he looked away, “no, shit, sorry - that was terrible-”

       You snorted softly, your laugh being unexpected music to him. “You dork,” you said, “that was terrible!”

      “Do you wanna Heere another? I’ve heard ‘em all,” he said, chuckling softly. You’re smile was nice to see - like how the sun can be nice after days of rain or how the weekend is welcomed after days of stress and schoolwork.

      “Sorry but.... does that mean you’ve.... Heere-d them all?”

      He chuckled again, “y’know, I can’t say ‘here’ during roll in some of my classes.”

      You smiled again, “I noticed that!” 

      Then it struck you. 

      “Fuck, Jeremy, we’re gonna have so much work to make up.”

       Jeremy liked Christine. Jeremy knew he liked Christine. She was sweet and cute and sure he never really talked to her outside of the play except at a snack machine once, he liked her. He knew he liked her. Sure he probably would never have a chance with her because he could barely form sentences around her and he wasn’t really cool or charming like Jake Dillinger. Heck, Christine probably didn’t remember him, did she? He wasn’t sure - sometimes he swore she’d smile in his direction and there wasn’t anyone else around him so it had to be for him right? He liked Christine.

       ... So why couldn’t he stop thinking about you? He couldn’t stop staring at you as you laughed with Michael about some stupid meme he had found, and he couldn’t help the small twang of jealousy as Rich hooked an arm around your waist for a second. You and Rich seemed so damn close - you two weren’t dating, were you? No, you two couldn’t be. You would have told him, or Rich would have been there when you were sick or something, right? You would have. You were friends. Jeremy was your friend. You were his.

       ... His friend. You were friends and he didn’t stare at you and wonder what it’d be like to kiss you or anything. Totally not. He didn’t like it when you laughed at his dumb jokes and made dumb jokes in return, especially when he knew Michael would have elbowed him at the first joke before kicking his ass at video games. You always sat smushed against him, you and Michael sandwiching him in between you as you all tried to stay in front of the small TV. Normally Jeremy would have complained a bit more - but having you next to him didn’t seem so bad.

       You left his house early. Barely seconds after the door clicked shut, Michael jabbed at Jeremy with his elbow. Jeremy never really knew it - or rather, he probably never believed it since Michael was sure he told him before - but he was so obvious whenever he had feelings for literally anyone. He would always have the dopiest grin on his face whenever someone did literally anything, and it was true - Michael caught almost every time Jeremy looked over at you, your concentration blinding you from seeing it, but it veered his attention away from the game and he’d manage for a few seconds before Michael would accidentally shift enough that it’d bump Jeremy back into reality (or, once or twice, you). Jeremy practically had heart eyes every time he looked at you.

     “You like them.”

      “I don’t like [y/n]!” He said. Immediately a thread of regret plucked in his chest - he didn’t mean that, did he? Fuck, he really didn’t mean that - he liked you. He liked you like.. like...

      Damn it.

      Michael snored. You never really knew that he snored, but he did because you woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep because jeez, the boy was loud as fuck. He’d been sprawled out across the couch, blanket fallen down and the faint glow of the TV illuminating the room. Jeremy was on the floor, lying on his stomach, face buried in the crook of his arm. You kicked free from the blanket that was wound tightly around you, the armchair that you’d been settled in creaking as you pushed yourself out of it. The floor was freezing and you slightly winced at the sudden chill. Maybe you’d just get some water and then eventually sleep. Sleep always sounded decent.

     ... When you thought about it, you hadn’t really been having nightmares. At least, nothing you couldn’t handle. You rarely saw another face, and even then, it was only a glimpse of vague faces you were glad you couldn’t remember. Maybe it was because your phone ended up in your bed ninety percent of the time, your texts to Jeremy open and that was a soothing idea alone. You couldn’t complain - you hated waking up in the middle of the night, often too shaken to go back to sleep or just in that window that  meant sleep would make you late but you’d be too tired if you stayed up.

      You made your way through the near-silent room, and up the stairs. It felt like you’d alerted the whole house as you creaked the door open, causing you to tense at the sudden sound. You didn’t bother closing it as you made your way into the kitchen, flipping on the light and wincing at the sudden change. Cabinet after cabinet, you finally found the cups and walked over to the fridge. You pressed the cup under the little dispenser, pressing as you expected the flow of water to greet you.

      The crackle and growl of ice did instead. The cup slipped from your grasp as you jumped, the sound of it hitting the ground and spilling causing you to endlessly swear. Within the next few minutes, Jeremy was in the doorway.

     “Are you alright?” He asked, sounding too awake. You threw the few cubes into the sink, the clatter feeling a thousand times louder.

     “Couldn’t sleep,” you shrugged.

     “Was it the-” he cut off, tapping his temple softly, “because I know where Michael keeps his Mountain Dew Red-”

     “No! No, that wasn’t it,” you had mumbled, leaning against the counter, “Michael snores.”

      He chuckled, “thought that was just the dragon he kept down there.”

      What a dork. 

      He spoke again, his voice low. “Do you want to talk? I mean, we don’t have to but we’re both awake so-”

     “I’d like that.”

      So Jeremy and you wandered out to the front porch, the warm early summer air greeting you. You shook back a chill from the sudden change, before listening to the click of the porch light coming on, Jeremy swinging around the door as he nearly closes it all the way. You slide into one of the folding chairs, it creaking softly under the sudden weight. It was dead silent, the air slightly tense. So much for talking-

     “What was it like?” He asked, his words bold for once. He immediately realized what he said, “no, don’t - sorry, I didn’t-”

     “It’s fine. It was.... not pleasant,” you laughed softly. “God, fuck - not pleasant,” you mocked yourself, “it was terrible. Just.... there was this constant voice. I was never really alone,” you said, “and it’s just... not something I want to go back to.” Your hand was at your neck and the scarred flesh was rough against your fingers. “I was ordered around, basically. And it.... used someone that I like as a way to get me to do things.”

     Crickets chirped. You looked down.

     “Did... you really go through all of that for...”

     You had forgotten Jeremy knew everything. You nodded slowly.

     “I’m sorry-”

     “It wanted to control you too.” You said. You didn’t know why - it just sort of fell from your lips before you could process it. “It just... it’d said it ‘d make it’s job easier but you... I didn’t want it to make you like me or love me or anything.” You paused. “You didn’t deserve that. You deserved to be yourself.”

      Something about how gentle your words were plucked at Jeremy’s heartstrings. The way the light seemed to glisten in your eyes as you looked at him, every word heavy with meaning as you spoke. Your words replayed in his mind over and over: you deserved to be yourself.

      He deserved to be himself. You thought of him. And he could only sit there, lost in your eyes and just in the moment and he looked at your lips and he wasn’t sure whether he should go for it or whether it’d be shitty timing.

      So he didn’t go for it.

      “Would you have taken it?”

      Jeremy looked over at you, stretched across the foot of your bed. It’s been a week and Michael went off with his family somewhere which left the two of you to do whatever. You sat with the faint glow of your laptop illuminating your features, and the two of you had to wonder why you always ended up talking at night. Jeremy stared at you. It?

      “The SQUIP,” you clarified, your thumb running over the smooth edge of your laptop.

      He’s immediately taken aback, and the answer came easy, “of course not-”

      “I don’t mean now. I mean.... before you knew about it.”

      He paused. Oh. Oh. Before you. He exhaled, “I don’t know - maybe.”

     “You can say yes,” you said softly, shrugging.

      He slowly nodded. “I would. I mean... who wouldn’t?”

      Your voice seemed to crack as you spoke, “Rich said it’d help.”

      “[y/n]-”

       “He lived with that thing for two years.”

       Jeremy sat up. The air grew tense and quiet. “Why do you just let Michael keep the Mountain Dew Red?”

      “I don’t know,” you lied. Then you took it back, “I’m scared that it’s gonna take control. If it took control... at least Michael or you would be able to stop me. What if it just... destroyed all of it?”

       Your heart beat in your chest as Jeremy climbed into the spot next to you. His hand laid on yours, his thumb running across your knuckles. You slowly closed your laptop, the soft clap being the only noise between the two of you. For what felt like a welcomed eternity, Jeremy sat at your side, his hand warm on your own. You leaned against him, head resting on his shoulder. For once he wasn’t tense. His head rested against your own. For once it was just you and Jeremy and the soft hum of the AC. 

       And then he spoke, as if the words finally came to him over an eternity of thinking. “My, uh, mom once told me that... the loudest voice has to be yours. I mean, she meant it like... go out and be proud and go for what you want. Be loud and go for it or whatever. She said something about how things are gonna try to tear you down,” he paused, “and, uh... I don’t know but just... I think that maybe... the loudest voice in your head should be yours. And... And I know that it sounds hard but you’re so strong, [y/n] - I’m... kinda jealous of that.”

      “Jeremy?” 

      “I’m kinda jealous about how you’re just... You keep going.”

      “So do you-”

      “No.” He cut you off, “you dealt with so much shit and you’re still going and I’m jealous but... I love that about you. You just... you get this look in your eyes sometimes and it’s really... sweet, I guess, because you look so happy. And you made dumb jokes with me and it’s cute and I just... Fuck,” he mumbled, “sorry, just... can I just...”

      You cut him off, pressing your lips against his. His hands were at your jaw, cupping your face, and he nearly reveled in the feeling of your hands finding his shoulders, feeling as if he was going to melt at your mere touch. It was awkward and your foreheads bumped together but the thought jut it’s way into every moment that you were kissing Jeremy Heere. It felt like a dream, as awkward and sloppy as it was.

      It felt like a dream. 

     Jeremy could feel you grow tense, pulling away before resting his forehead against your own. He was warm. You grasped at his shirt, clutching onto what this little bit of reality felt like.

     You spoke softly. “You’re real... this is real, right Jer?”

      He pulled you into his arms, your face in his neck. His arms were warm around you and everything seemed to fade away around the two of you. You shut your eyes and relaxed, arms wrapped around Jeremy’s torso. Your warm breath tickled his skin and he seemed to pull you closer. For once you didn’t worry - you didn’t wonder about the computer in your brain buzzing back to life to pick and fret over every small detail, about the scars that traveled up your spine. Gone were the worries of fruity soda or homework or the upcoming senior year that you had dreaded before, even if only for a while. 

      For once, you felt in control.

#bean writes things #jeremy heere x reader #be more chill reader insert #be more chill x reader #bmc #bmc reader insert #be more chill #bmc x reader #jeremy heere #squip #squipped!reader #i should tag the original with that but am i going to? #no bc im a lazy fuck

[afoolsingenuity]

Bite Sized Books // Where I Declare My Love For Mariana Zapata’s Books

I have been intending to write a review for Mariana Zapata’s books for a good long while. A month, even! I read them when I was on holiday and adored them in every way. At least, the first ones I read (the two I read when I got home weren’t quite as good but they showed great potential). I knew I wanted to tell you guys how brilliant they were but I really couldn’t find the words to say why other than to flail and say read them! I still knew I had to feature them, though. There are just some books you have to talk about even when you’re utterly inelegant about them. I mean, even Zapata’s worst books were enjoyable they just weren’t up to scratch to my favourites from her.

The Ones I Adored

The Wall of Winnipeg and Me – Mariana Zapata

Published: 28th February 2016 Source: Bought Genre: Sports romance, Contemporary, Adult My Rating:

Vanessa Mazur knows she's doing the right thing. She shouldn't feel bad for quitting. Being an assistant/housekeeper/fairy godmother to the top defensive end in the National Football Organization was always supposed to be temporary. She has plans and none of them include washing extra-large underwear longer than necessary.

But when Aiden Graves shows up at her door wanting her to come back, she's beyond shocked.

For two years, the man known as The Wall of Winnipeg couldn't find it in him to tell her good morning or congratulate her on her birthday. Now? He's asking for the unthinkable. What do you say to the man who is used to getting everything he wants?

This was the first book from Zapata I heard about. I am a girl who loves romance, and more specifically sports romance, and I also adore fake relationships so when I heard there was a book which included all three of them you can bet I was interested in reading. Only problem? It was over 600 pages long. The average romance is like 300 pages, you can imagine I was intimidated by a book which was twice that. It’s why I didn’t bother buying until I knew I had all the time in the world to read it, when I was on holiday. I almost didn’t pick it up even then, luckily I avoided that mistake and found my first of my favourites from Zapata.

I adored Vanessa, she puts up with no crap and she didn’t swoon for Aiden just because he was some hot shot NFL player. She didn’t care. He had been a means to an end so could pursue her career. She handed in her notice and didn’t look back and I didn’t blame her as Aiden was annoying as hell, he was an island, and he didn’t stand up for her. She would have stayed focused an independent from Aiden if he hadn’t offered something she wanted, money to truly give her the independence she craved, she just had to marry him to help him stay in the US. Easy, right?

Well, it’s safe to say from there I fell in love as Aiden stayed being gruff and focused, but a little less of an island under Vanessa's influence. And I adored it. I didn’t even notice the length of the book because I was so invested in these characters. I swooned and sighed and grinned like and idiot and fell head over heels. I truly did, this was the best. Don’t be put off by the length but strap yourself in for a slow… very slow ride. This is the ultimate of slowburn. The romance moves at a glacial pace and it might frustrate the hell out of some. I was on the edge of my seat and loved every minute, though.

Dear Aaron – Mariana Zapata

Published: 10th June 2017

Source: Bought

Genre: Romance, Contemporary, Adult/New Adult

My Rating:

Ruby Santos knew exactly what she was getting herself into when she signed up to write a soldier overseas.

The guidelines were simple: one letter or email a week for the length of his or her deployment. Care packages were optional.

Been there, done that. She thought she knew what to expect.

What she didn’t count on was falling in love with the guy.

Then onto the second of Zapata’s books which I read. I hadn’t got this one on my radar until Nick reviewed it (funny how Nick often is the person who puts romance on my radar). I wasn’t quite as eager to get a hold of this one because Nick had said the pacing was a bit off with some of the romance and that it could have been shorter, the concern I had when it came to buying Wall of Winnipeg. I went ahead, though, because I loved the idea of a couple writing to one another and falling love. The concept slayed me and the reality was even better than expected.

Ruby and Aaron were so cute together. Ruby was brilliant and I loved that she lived with her parents still but was pursuing her career because I live at home too and it isn’t great but it’s a good means to and end. And Aaron was great building this friendship with Ruby as one of his few contacts back home so he could cope throughout his deployment.

I adored it and was totally sucked in from the start. I was gone for Aaron and adored Ruby from the very beginning. She was way geekier than me but I totally got her and her fandom ways and her quirkiness and how utterly why she is. I just connected with her straight away as I saw a lot of myself in her.

I loved how the format of the book demonstrated the progression in the relationship. We begin with emails being sent with them being a bit awkward as hey got to know one another and slowly connect. It then changes to IMs as the pair get closer and talk more often and it develops as they grow closer. It totally worked and I loved it.

This was such a cute book and I was expecting it to be angstier because Aaron was in the army but it actually was way more cute and fun and I loved it for that. It was nothing like I thought and everything which I wanted in a romance. I had a silly grin going on while I was reading and I'm not ashamed of that fact.

Kulti – Mariana Zapata

Published: 20th March 2015 Source: Bought Genre: Romance, Contemporary, Sports Romance, Adult My Rating:

“Trust me, I’ve wanted to punch you in the face a time or five.”

When the man you worshipped as a kid becomes your coach, it’s supposed to be the greatest thing in the world. Keywords: supposed to.

It didn’t take a week for twenty-seven-year-old Sal Casillas to wonder what she’d seen in the international soccer icon—why she’d ever had his posters on her wall, or ever envisioned marrying him and having super-playing soccer babies.

Sal had long ago gotten over the worst non-break-up in the history of imaginary relationships with a man that hadn’t known she’d existed. So she isn’t prepared for this version of Reiner Kulti who shows up to her team’s season: a quiet, reclusive, shadow of the explosive, passionate man he’d once been.

Nothing could have prepared her for the man she got to know.

Or the murderous urges he brought out in her.

“Sal, please don’t make me visit you in jail. Orange isn’t your color.”

This was going to be the longest season of her life.

And then the third, and in some ways my favourite. I actually had to figure out how to connect my Kindle to my phones internet to read this one while I was away because I brought it halfway through reading Dear Aaron because I knew I needed to read more Zapata and especially this one. It was another that had come onto my radar when I heard of Wall of Winnipeg because sports romance! I was put off by the fact it was a football (soccer) romance because I am not a huge fan of football, I see it enough on TV at home, do I really need to read a romance about it too. Also, the last sports romance which involved football I tried to read was Scoring Wilder and I hated it so I thought I might not like Kulti I was convinced by the fact Zapata wrote it and I am so glad I was.

I think this one clicked for me because I adored the fact it was a romance with an age gap. I was full on in love with Kulti too. Also, it was so similar to Pitch and my favourite ship in that (Mike/Ginny 4eva) that I was fully in love from the beginning.

This one was an enemies to lover romance and it was spot on. Even better, Sal wasn’t the usual girl in her early twenties falling in love but instead 27 and had several years playing on the football team who was focused on her career. She was determined to be the best she could be (with a few exceptions) and she was determined to do her best. And Reiner Kulti was a grumpy guy who had passed the peak in his career and who really didn’t want to be coaching when he was a world famous player. And he had been a dick to Sal’s brother and was basically horrible to anyone he spoke to and so Sal wasn’t willing to put up with crap from him at all.

I loved the dynamic between the two whenever they spoke and how throughout the book they grew closer. First, they became friends before any hope of romance happened. And then there was Sal’s family! I adored her parents and would have happily had them feature far more in the book. I would return to read more about Kulti and Sal’s life given half a chance.

This was the best kind of sports romance for me. It was about a female athlete for once and was absolutely brilliant. It even had a really good age difference romance for me to love. I will read all the books!

The Ones I Liked Less

Under Locke – Mariana Zapata

Published: 19th January 2014

Source: Bought

Genre: Contemporary, Romance

My Rating:

He was my boss, my brother’s friend, a Widower, an ex-felon, and a man I’d seen casually with a handful of women. But he was everything that gripped me, both the good and the bad. Worst case scenario if things turned awkward between us, I could go somewhere else. I’d gotten over epic heartbreak before, one more wouldn’t kill me.

After moving to Austin following six months of unemployment back home, Iris Taylor knows she should be glad to have landed a job so quickly... even if the business is owned by a member of the same motorcycle club her estranged father used to belong to. Except Dex Locke might just be the biggest jerk she’s ever met. He’s rude, impatient and doesn’t know how to tell time.

And the last thing they ever expected was each other.

But it was either the strip club or the tattoo shop.

… she should have chosen the strip club.

It just makes me sad when you read a book which doesn't work for you from an author you love. I mean, I still haven’t read all of Zapata’s books so there is still a chance there are more from her I don’t like but it made me sad as this was the first book by her I didn’t adore. It was partially a me thing for me to dislike it. I wasn’t a fan of the whole motorcycle gang aspect of the book. I may have enjoyed Sons of Anarchy but it’s a bit iffy when it comes to gang things. Also, when I began reading it was the last day on my holiday and my brain wasn’t totally focused on the book. That lack of focus when it came to reading this meant I didn’t become fully absorbed either.

It had all the usual marks of a Mariana Zapata book but it just missed the mark for me. I think it was the fact it was a biker gang book and Dex was just not what I wanted. He came across as a dick (hence the nickname in the book) and whilst he revealed a softer side his dickish tendencies were too much for me.

It was a good read for some, I’m sure, but not for me. It makes me sad but there always has to be one, right?

Lingus – Mariana Zapata

Published: 7th August 2015 Source: Bought Genre: Contemporary, Romance My Rating:

Most people would describe Katherine Berger as a responsible girl with a big heart, a loyal friend who takes care of those close to her, and the possessor of a wicked sense of humor. There was something about her that most people didn't know. "My name is Kat Berger, and I love porn."

When twenty-five-year-old Kat is dragged to a porn convention by her best friend, she's both embarrassed and nervous. The last thing she ever expected was to meet someone who makes her laugh like no other. This is a story about acceptance and friendship, and a love born out of the most unexpected of places.

This was a really good friends to lovers story and I enjoyed it. I didn't fall head over heels for it like Zapata's later books but you can see the essence of the great stories she writes and I did enjoy it. This only ended up on the bad list because I wasn’t head over heels and totally absorbed like I expected to be.

The book starts at a porn convention so it was safe to say I was a little hesitant going in to see whether I'd like it. Turns out it was hilarious and I enjoyed it. Sure, occasionally Kat and her friends seemed a bit OTT, almost like caricatures of who they really were because they were too much. But I did enjoy it and I loved Kat's close-knit group of friends and how they were all so close.

I thought some stuff went too fast in this book and some things too slow but the pacing wasn't a major issue. It was the first time I felt like a Zapata book was a touch too long though. I actually noticed a bit of a drag in the story towards the end.

As a whole it's a funny romance that I enjoyed as a weekend read. It may not have ticked all my boxes but it did tick a lot of them.

Now I have declared my undying love for Mariana Zapata I feel a strong need to go read those last two books by her. Who was the last author whose entire backlist you went and bought after one book? And any awesome romance authors you feel the need to recommend?

from Blogger http://ift.tt/2xeOKFt via IFTTT

#a fool's ingenuity #books

[userzara]

hey guys, it’s dani (-: i play elise too and this is my brand new child and i’m super stoked for them !! OKAY so this became longer than i thought it was going to be, practically their bio but the first two sections is background, it’s not until you get to ‘recent years/now’ that it’ll get to zara’s main point. um, right TWs: drugs, minor death. 

did i just see DUA LIPA walking down sixth street ?! oh, wait, it’s just ZARA SERAFIN, the 22 year old DEMIGIRL CASHIER/DEALER who has a reputation for being  SNARKY AND MANIPULATIVE but STREETSMART AND STEADFAST. let’s hope THEY/SHE prepared to take on the wild ride that is austin, texas. 

okay where do i begin, basically zara is inspired by alex vause as well as a variety of songs by phora ( check him out he’s great ) + an old character of mine that i never truly developed. so, to be frank, she’s a mess.com. i love her though, a lot and i’m going to try to break her down without writing an eight page essay mla format, so! here we go. 

BEFORE AUSTIN, TEXAS. 

zara comes from los angeles, california. the downtown area specifically, not the best area to grow up in but it was home and she never focused on how bad her city was doing because, for starters she only lived there until she was ten years old and the only thing on her mind is her friends. 

her parents divorced when she had turned eight years old, her dad wasn’t the best at commitment to his wife, he absolutely adored zara but settling down just hadn’t been his thing and he left. he kept in touch, briefly. at first, zara understood why he left, he was tired but he loved her so it was okay. but those calls slowly stopped happening until he stopped calling completely and she stopped waiting for them. it was one of the worst heartbreaks she’s faced. 

at ten years old, her mother remarried and they packed up everything to move to austin, texas with her new boyfriend that practically came out of nowhere. he wasn’t zara’s favorite person, in fact she felt betrayed and angry that he was now sitting where her dad used to sit and was taking over. her mother had two kids with this new guy and zara loves her siblings but she still holds a deep grudge for the guy who swept her mother up and ruined her life by moving to fucking texas. dramatic, sure but her friends were all in l.a and she had to start new. 

EARLY YEARS IN AUSTIN, TEXAS ( 10-18 ).

at first she didn’t want to make new friends, sulking became a thing. zara was supposed to loathe this place in hopes that if they didn’t make any friends they’ll pack up and move back to los angeles where she belongs. spoiler alert: that never happened and it dawned on her that this is her life now 

middle school approached and she knew she couldn’t face these coming years alone. it was hell, appearances were something they couldn’t give a shit about, sticking solely to wearing a signature black hoodie all the time, heavy eyeliner in attempt to make herself look tough but instead it got the label ‘basketcase’ stuck on her aka those mean blonde texas girls with the drawls and ‘my momma says…’ etc lmao.

POINT IS, near the end of sixth grade she got into fight with the girl who tried to torment her, finally snapping they fought in the quad of the school and zara let out of suppressed emotions and kicked her ass in front of everyone until they were pulled apart and she felt pleased as heck when she saw she made Beauty Pageant bleeding because good, that’ll teach her to stop running her mouth 

this caught the attention of what teachers like to call the ‘troubled’ kids. when zara came back from her three day suspension (and did she get a yelling at home oh boy) they took her under their wing, zara’s already average grades started dropping by influence, she soon adopted some of their characteristics and mannerisms, forging herself into something she wasn’t seeking their approval because holy fuck these people were great. hanging out every friday at the movie theaters, loitering at the ages of thirteen/fourteen in the streets feeling like kings of the city, it became addicting 

eventually this group formed into some of the ‘popular’ kids, no not the prom king and queen type of thing but they had a name for themselves. especially in HIGH SCHOOL. things started to get heavier, hanging out at the movie theaters turned into going to ragers, to trying weed for the first time, alcohol and zara fucking loved feeling rebellious and indulging in this new-found freedom. her first kiss was a drunk one and she wouldn’t be able to tell you who it was because she doesn’t remember, she just needed her first kiss because everyone was kissing everyone 

her home life didn’t get any better. she started to come home later or the next day. her grades were shit but zara didn’t care. 

soon enough weed turned to lsd. sophomore year became the year she lost her virginity to a guy that was feeling her up at a party, she didn’t care for him, she wasn’t attracted to him but all her friends were non-virgins and so she had to be too. she didn’t give a fuck with who only that it would be over quick and onto the next one. still, the first time left her feeling…weird. they didn’t enjoy it but, she thought it had to be done. not the best mentality to have. 

zara starter ditching school, making new friends with people they met at parties, picking them down the street from their high school. they had drugs, they held the key to a good time. these were…bad people for her. dealers that lured her into their world of easy cash and a fucking good time. they knew they were attractive, still growing into their body and they knew they could munch off of them. most of this was junior year and it’s still a shock her grades kept her in school. 

senior year they hardly showed up. senior year she saw someone die before her. it was one of the guys that provided whatever drug or bottle of alcohol she needed and it was an accident witnessing it. at this rate, zara went days without going home and they were on their way to the semi empty gas station for a drink before finally going home when she saw her friend through the window across the street and, it was a deal gone wrong and a gunshot broke through the chilly night causing her to drop her orange gatorade and spilling it all over the floor before she ran out of the store across the street and, well it didn’t really leave her the same. 

somehow she managed to graduate high school but barely. she felt lost but still indulged herself in bad habits throughout that last year, still free-loading off others, tricking people into doing stuff for her. sleeping with whoever the hell she wanted to fuck. just throwing herself into whatever she could. 

RECENT YEARS/NOW ( 19-22 ) 

at nineteen she was still lost, she didn’t know what she wanted to do. school was out of the question, she hated work but still did odd jobs, for a while they worked at a laundromat, taking care after the place. she still went to parties/clubs, snuck into bars. flirted with all the pretty faces and put on her faux personality. tbh zara is a goddamn two-face. 

ANYWAYS at nineteen she got caught with a gram of heroin by the police. the authorities were called when a party had started getting out of control and they arrested as many people as they could, among them: zara. charged guilty of drug possession, and since her parents couldn’t pay bail, she ended up doing 2 years of prison. two long years in the slammer. 

that was something. it didn’t hit zara that her life choices had her end up in prison until her first night in the women’s ward.  she didn’t cry until she was locked in a bathroom stall and that was the only time. those were the longest days of her life. she met people in there, good and bad. avoided getting into brawls and picked up a book here and there. in my head she had a relationship with someone in there, but not really? frequent fwbs, exclusive. zara doesn’t label shit, she gets bored and, just like her first time, on to the next. honestly help her.

NOW TWENTY-TWO and her parents aren’t welcoming her back. she isn’t allowed to see her siblings, her family hadn’t visited her at all during those two years. her mother only came once but it was short since she couldn’t beat the fact that her baby was in prison, blaming herself and asking where she went wrong in raising her. 

thankfully she had one single friend ( since i have a feeling not a lot of people kept in touch with her after she got arrested; connections anyone ?? and also connection for that ONE friend ) who hooked her up with a job to get her back on her feet but old habits die hard, working at a gas station just isn’t cutting it and is currently getting into the dealing game with her old contacts. 

in my head it’s been like, two weeks since she’s been out. back in the city and ready for Drama. 

SO YEAH THIS IS IT, WOW THAT WAS LONG IM SORRY !! wow i realized i haven’t really incorporated the alex vause thing apart from being in prison but personality wise i mean yeah, anyway !! hmu for those plots please and thank you !! or like this and i’ll come sliding into your ims !! (-: 

#✕. ooc. #atxintro3 #drugs // #death //

[unfy83]

(351/365)

December 17th, 2017

It’s been a hot minute, hello there. I do not even remember writing my last post so...sorry but I do have to agree with my September self omg. I am officially done with my first semester of college, and wow. it went by fast but it was also pretty lengthy. tbfh..it went so much better than I originally thought it would frick. I knew my anxiety wasn’t really going to be under my own control, i tried to accept that. i knew what to expect..although i did not expect to have a panic attack on my first day during my first class of real college ever. I walked in, and it was a huge auditorium. i sat down and a girl that i knew sat next to me and we talked a little. i could feel my body slowly draining out the last of my ‘as needed’ medicine and drowning in my shaky hands. i kinda knew what was going to happen, but for some reason i was stuck and couldn’t get myself to get up. at one point my eyes started to roll to the back of my head and i got extreme chills/sweats and leaned back in my seat. i knew if i didn’t get up i would pass out and make a scene. so i took my phone and water bottle and jolted out of my seat as fast as frick. i began to cry because in that moment, i just wished so badly i could sit in a class and pay attention like a normal student :/. i called my mom in such a panic and i probably scared her so much, im sorry mom. she told me to go back in and that i was going to be okay but i have never felt that disappointed in my bodily functions ever. i went back in and stood at the entrance because i knew there was no way i could sit back in my original seat. it was all ok, i ended up asking the professor if i could sit in the back on the floor...sad, i know but that was such a relief to me. i don’t know why that class caused me so much anxiety..it was a big class..and so quiet. but..i got through it with an A because it was an awful class, i left a bad review sorry. but 3/10 for him being kind of understanding of me. thanks Bill. ur piano playing skills r out of this world. that was really the worst of the worst, thankfully. throughout the semester i had so many weird mini phases i went through. at one point i even felt like i was not sure if i wanted a boyfriend anymore. i was at a presentation that was kinda mandatory, and the professor presenting said “raise your hand if your in a long distance relationship as of right now” me, a lover of statistics about people my age raises my hand..what a naive bitch clarissa put ur hand down!!! jk i am proud to be far n still love rohan. anyways, with 1/4 of the students’ hands raised, he then proceeded to say “okay so do me a favor, right after this text them and break up with them because college is a crazy adventure and the last thing you need is for someone to be bothering you while you’re studying.” me being me, my OCD self -- every single thing anyone says that slightly has to do with me i am greatly influenced by..in some sense. so my dramatic ass starts panicking...wondering if i am making the right choice by being with someone almost 4 hours away..which isn’t even that far btw. when i got back to my room i started crying because i had no idea what was best for both me and rohan and if it was going to hurt more or something. but i am glad he helped me through it, he is so respectful of my feelings he is so sweet. i wish i had not done that though, that guy was like 60..why tf did i let him make me think i made the wrong choice. i love rohan, my family loves rohan, everyone loves rohan; he is such a good person. but anyways, yeah lol. everything that i went through made me more aware though. i ended the year off with almost all a’s..maybe all a’s if my teacher rounded my grade but tbh i have no idea. college is fun, it’s hard though. i know i am not having the craziest or coolest experience everyone else may be appearing to have, but i am learning so much and i really know it’s so good for me. goodnight (:

#journal