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fallen029 · 6 years

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About Life: Avow

Previous Chapter

The memory felt as fresh as any experience she'd had in the past hour. She could smell the rot from the bodies that had yet to be buried and she could feel the heat, as though the summer sun had long set, the ground seemed to radiate all it had absorbed through the day. She was seated in the grass, outside of the tiny hut, inside of which they tended to her father in his final moments. She was very young, too young, even, to be dealing with such a situation, but you were never the one to get to decide those things.

Her siblings were back at home, with one of the elders in the village, where they slept with the promise that they could see their father in the morning. It was a lie though and Mira knew this, as it was certain to all that her father wouldn't make it through the night. The illness had spread and enveloped him completely.

His time was more limited than them all.

"You should go home, child," one of the women told her wearily as she sat with her, both listening as the moans of her father drowned out any sounds of the clear night. "The morning will be long. And every day after it. Go rest. You'll find little of it after this."

But Mira refused. She sat out there, in the hot soil, listening. She heard every whimper and cry of the man. It was how she heard it when, with some of the last words he would ever speak, he called out for her.

"I need," he begged with the sound of heavy fluid on his longs, "to see my daughter."

She heard it though, from out there. She also heard as they cautioned him against this and told him to just lay down. No one should see their father in that way. It shouldn't be the last image you have of any loved one, really.

But as the woman beside her reached to grab her arm, the young girl slipped away from her and rushed right into the hut. She always came when her father called.

Always.

He a mess of a man then, drenched in sweat and with only a blanket keeping him modest. He hadn't gotten the pox that went along with the sickness, like some in the village did, like her mother had, but the smell of his unwashed body mixed with all the things inside of him that he'd expelled through the past two days he'd been in that tiny hut burned her nostrils and, at the sight of her, one of the men inside tried to turn her away, but she went to her father's side, falling beside where he was laid on a pallet on the floor.

He was the last of the infected in village and, though others had been on close proximity to others during that time period, it only seemed to infect a select few. No one knew why that was or how it chose its victims, but considering her had nursed her mother through her death and her father before these past few days, as he was on his last leg, her immunity was unofficially confirmed. At the very lest by village standards.

"Janie," he breathed at the sight and fell back against his pallet once more. Calmed, it seemed. "Janie."

"Papa," she sniffled as, reaching for his much larger hand, she held it both of hers and stared at him, eyes stinging a bit, as she looked the man over for what would be the last time. "Please, stay. Please. Don't go."

There were others in the tiny shack, but most left then, other than the town's doctor, who stood over them silently. She was sure that there was more to it, that at least someone said something ot her, told her to leave, but she couldn't recall if they did at that point. All she could remember was stroking his hand and begging him not to leave her. To not leave her alone.

"Shhh," he finally whispered as he turned his head to look at her and it was from him that she and her sister got their striking blue eyes, but his had lost their light then. "It'll be okay."

No. It wouldn't. She knew it wouldn't. It hadn't been okay since the outbreak first struck. Things had only gotten worse since then. And, soon enough, they'd become the worst she'd experience in her life until many years later, when she'd lose her sister as well.

She hadn't cried, Mira hadn't, yet. She felt like it at times. But she hadn't. She felt too sad too, most of the time, in that horrible stretch of about two months where her entire world was shattered. It was already so pitiful, before, but it felt hopeless then. Even when she lost her mother, not two weeks back then, it hadn't felt so terrible. She loved the woman, she loved her dearly, but she'd always thought that her father was the strongest man in the world. To see him, as he was then, to know that he would never be the way she always pictured him again…

As her tears fell on his hand though, he only gently shook it free of hers and reached up, with his filthy and stained one, to reach up and cup her cheek, listening as she sobbed. It was the last thing he heard, over his own wheezing. When his hand fell, so did she, to his chest, crying and sobbing and screaming like the kid she was. For the last time she was. Because when she'd dry her eyes and head back to her own shack, where Elfman and Lisanna both were, neither knowing that, finally, they were all three officially orphaned, she couldn't be a kid anymore. Not when she had two other ones to take care of.

But Mirajane didn't cry for the loss of her childhood, she couldn't recall every truly doing that, but rather because she'd just lost the one person she'd thought she'd always had. That she'd had since she'd come into the world. He'd always liked to tell her about it, the day she came into the world. And how he held her first and helped clean her off some, before presenting her to her mother. HE loved his other kids, she knew that. Of course he did. Elfman was his only son and Lisanna was his little baby, but it had been Mira that he called out for, in those final moments and though she never shared this with her sister, she thought about it as frequently as she did the time of day.

Her father was the most important relationship in her life before his death. And following. Though at times the things she did she knew would only upset him, she thought of him frequently and missed him terribly. Every day. She'd lost a lot in her life. Her mother, her father, her village. All things, when she was young, she loved dearly. If, as with Lisanna, she got a chance to have one of the three back though, she would chose him.

Every time.

As she stared at Laxus, with a determination in his eyes, part of her remembered that time, when her father was her world. But not a very big par. A bigger part thought much more about how Aura was hers. And no one else's.

"What are you talking about? Laxus?" She tried to keep her voice down, but it was difficult. "Who is your-"

"Mirajane-"

"I don't know what you-"

"Don't play dumb with me. Because I know you're not. You know exactly what I'm talking about," the man told her stiffly. "And you're going to let me see her. Right now."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. You- Don't you close this door in my-"

"Laxus-"

"No, Mirajane. No. I let you have your little game for three years. Now-"

"My little game?"

"Yours."

They had a glare going then, the pair of them did, and Mirajane thought about breaking. About crying. That would get Laxus to leave, at least for a little bit, but for some reason, her ability to do so felt dried up in that moment and she couldn't even get out a sniffle.

Finally, Laxus broke first as he looked off before whispering, "Look, Mira, just don't make this more than it has to be."

"It's not anything, Laxus."

"You can't lie to me. I know."

"You don't know anything."

"I smelled her, Mira."

That one caught her off guard and she took a step back then, frowning. "You what?"

"Everyone has a scent, Mirajane," he grumbled as he glared at her. "And she has some of mine on her. I would know. That day...that day you took her up to the guildhall… I knew. I would recognize my own scent."

She deflated some, he saw then, before looking off as well while she thought. He tried to take a step forwards then, but Mira still stood in his way.

"She's asleep," she said suddenly and he only snorted.

"Mira-"

"She is. What do you want me to do, Laxus? Wake her up? It's late. You-"

"So she is my daughter then?" he challenged and, with a groan, Mira took some steps back and allowed him entrance.

"Keep," she hissed at him still though and she didn't sound anything like her cheerful, peppy self that she promoted up at the guildhall, "your voice down. She really is asleep."

Laxus, who'd never been in the Strauss home, only took a few moments out to look around. When his eyes fell back to Mirajane's, hers were just as dark as his had been when he arrived. But he'd cooled off some, just a tad, as the adrenaline wore off and he became more nervous energy began to fill his body. The impulse had led him here, but now it was leaving him here and he'd crossed the point of no return.

"So?" Mira, apparently, was tired of his silence. "What do you want, Laxus?"

"I told you what I wanted."

"Laxus-"

"Did you think that I'd just never bring this up? Ever?"

"Yeah, I kind of did considering you've spent the past three years not caring."

"Who says I didn't care?"

"Considering you hightailed it out of the guild and never spoke to me about it-"

"Why did you lie to me? Mirajane?" He wasn't going to be wrung through the ringer when she, clearly, was the one that was actually at fault. "You tried to hid my child from me. I'm not the bad guy here. You are."

"How am I the bad guy?"

"How are you not?" he challenged right back and, wow, he didn't realize just how pissed he was at her until that moment, but he truly was. She had lied to him, kept something from him. Something important. And even if they weren't really friends after all, even if they weren't even really guild mates, that was a horrible thing to keep from another person. "You hid my daughter from me, Mira."

"She's not your daughter."

"Mira-"

"What do you want me to say, Laxus?'

"I want you to tell me the truth."

"Why? Since you seem to know it so well yourself, what difference does it make what I-"

"Why didn't you just tell me?" he asked. They were standing in her living room, but Mira seemed equally as out of place as he did. "Huh? Everything we said to each other and did… I wanted a kid too. We agreed-"

"I was going to tell you," she cut him off. "But-"

"When? Huh? When were you going to-"

"When you came back home," she kept up. "But you wanted to tell me that you and… That you'd met someone and I just..."

"Mira," he started, but that was as far as he got as he didn't know what else to say. Only stared at her.

Shaking her own head, the woman replied, "It just shocked me. At first. You came back, all happy and-"

"And you thought it was a good idea to...to what? Punish me? By hiding my daughter from me?"

"Stop saying that."

"It's true."

"According to you, you knew the first time you saw her so, at most, I hid her for a month. You could have brought any of this up at any time. You chose not to, Laxus. You. Not me."

"You're good at it, aren't you?" He snorted. "Making yourself look like the victim?"

"I'm not the victim. I know that I did wrong. But you-"

"I'm not yelling at you, Mira," he grumbled, "about these past three years. I'm telling you that, right now, starting now, I want to see my daughter."

"Why?" she got out then. "Why now, Laxus?"

He let out a short huff of breath through his nose before remarking, "It's none of your business, Mira, but...my wife and I are going to be trying for a baby soon."

She blinked then, still confused, she asked, "And? What difference does that make? Go have that kid with her, Laxus. You'll like it a lot better. Just leave this alone."

"I can't." He was able to look her in the eyes, finally, as he said, "Before I have another kid, I at least have to let this one know I exist."

"What difference does it make, Laxus? She doesn't need you. She has me. She's fine."

"I know she is," he assured her. "But I need this. I can't… I can't go forward with having more children until I get this one take care of."

"But she is taken care of."

"Yeah, Mira, I know, but not by me."

"I don't want you-"

"It doesn't matter what you want." And there. That was the heart of the matter. What he'd been skating around. It was the truth too. "It doesn't matter-"

"She's my daughter, Laxus."

"She's our daughter," he corrected. "Mira."

She wanted to kick him out. He could tell. There was something dark in her eyes

That wasn't his fault. It was hers. then and he could feel her shift from annoyance from anger. But he didn't care. Because he was angry too. And he was far more in his right to be than she ever was.

Mirajane had caused this situation. Not him. And fine, he was the one pushing it to forefront, but it wouldn't have happened if she'd just been honest with him. Literally at any point during the past few years, if she'd just come out and said something, they wouldn't be in the situation that they were now.

"I've thought," he continued then, in a softer tone, "a lot about this. For weeks. Since the beginning of it, really. And fine, at first I thought that...that I didn't… But something's come over me. And if another kid I'm going to have will have a father, why shouldn't this one?"

"She doesn't need-"

"Everyone needs their father, Mira."

"You didn't," she argued. "You were better off without Ivan."

"But I would have been better with a real father."

"Laxus-"

"I'm not saying that I want to take your kid from you," he told her. "I'm saying that I should at least get to see and speak with her. To have her know that she's my child. I have rights in this, Mira."

"Why? Because your nose tells you so?"

He was almost snarky back, but then, instead, something clicked in his mind and he said, "My contract says I do."

Mira was caught off guard it seemed as she asked, "What are you-"

"The contract. We signed a contract when we made this kid. I have rights to her." Yes. Of course. Then, more confident now, he said, "She's mine and you know it. If I challenged you to bring me her real father, you couldn't. Because it's me. You know it's me. You signed a contract with me that, if we had a child, I had certain rights to it. Some of which you've already violated. So don't make me push the issue further, Mira. You won't like the results."

He felt so in the right then and Mira almost seemed concerned. Almost. Her mind was just as sharp as his, it seemed and, with a shrug, she spoke.

"Prove it."

"Prove what?"

"Prove that there's a contract."

"What?"

"If we were both in a court of law," she reasoned, "and you said there's a contract and I say there isn't and neither of us produce the contract, then it's nonexistent. So? Do you have it?"

Sour then, he only said, "Don't get this way, Mira."

"You're the one that-"

"I'm not going away." And they'd reached the end then, it seemed, of their conversation. Laxus started walk then, away from her, and out of the house. "I want this. Now. It's my right. Contract or no contract, I know you, Mirajane. You had your fun, you got your time with her. Now I want some of it too. Whatever terms you have to come to with this, do it. Soon. I'll be back."

Mira wanted to say something. She needed to say something. She could feel it too, her control slipping and everything was happening so fast and she felt like this was all a dream. That she'd just fallen asleep, that was all. And was having a nightmare.

Her stomach was in her throat and the sight of him, with his back to her, almost to the door, only made her tear up, but she wouldn't cry. She couldn't cry.

But she could speak, suddenly.

It just wasn't what she wanted to say.

"Do you even know what she looks like? Laxus?"

That got him to pause and, shrugging his shoulders, the man hardly glanced over them as he remarked, "No. I only saw her that once."

"Did you… Do you really want to? Because you don't have to, you know. If you want everyone know...for her to know… Then she can. Without this. You can just go home and not see her and she'll be just as well off. She doesn't need someone else in her life. She has me and Elf and Lisanna and all my friends-"

"A father's different, Mira." He whispered it, but he meant it. "Than a mother."

She knew. Oh, she knew.

"Do you really want her to have one though?" she countered. "Or is this just to help clear your conscious? Because don't… If you don't want to be there for her, just don't. Don't ever. But don't get her used to something and then pull it out from under her. And your wife-"

"Tasha has nothing to do with this."

"But she will. I mean, gosh, Laxus, what does she even think?"

He was silent then and a different part of Mira would be so thrilled with such juicy insider info. But the side of her that was now a mother who was, at least in some way, now part of Laxus and his personal life, felt an even heavier weight placed upon her.

"How could you not tell her before you came here?"

"I don't think I should take marriage advice from someone who hid a kid from a man-"

"I did it for you, Laxus."

"Are serious right now? You did it because you...you… I don't know why you did it! But I know-"

"I said to keep your voice-"

"Why did you do this? Why did you let me think-"

"You came back, Laxus, on the day I was going to tell you and..."

"And what? What did I-"

"You met someone else." Finally, the anger dropped out of her voice and Mira sounded more human. "I was waiting to tell you, but you came back and were talking about meeting someone else and-"

"I couldn't meet someone else, Mira, because you weren't someone to begin with."

It sounded harsher than he intended, but it was what he was thinking and it fell out of his mouth then, as he turned to look at her. But Mira only nodded some at his statement.

"I know."

"Then-"

"But it scared me. Because you came back so...happy and if I told you then..."

"You fucked everything up because you were scared?"

"Isn't that why everyone does?"

He didn't know what to say. And Mira was out of things too then. They were just both defeated in their own mess. Eventually though, Mira took a deep breath.

"She's sleeping," was what she repeated once more, "but if you wanted to…see her, then..."

If he had left then, after his big blow up, and gone back to Tasha, gone back to his life, the impulse might have completely died and he might have decided he'd made a mistake. He might have just gotten off on exposing Mirajane and then deciding against actually doing anything with the child. Just letting it known to Mira that, yes, he did know and he would come back , if he wanted, and there was nothing she could do to stop him.

But if Mira's world changed the second she opened the door, Laxus' did the second he followed Mirajane down the tiny hall and to the little girls' room. When she opened the door, he could see her in there. The sun was setting, red and orange hues illuminating the room just enough so that he could see her. There. She was sleeping, as Mira said, cuddled up under some blankets on her bed. And he could smell it too. He had the second he had come into the house, though it was much more faint. Now, in her room, around her, when he sniffed deep enough, she was all he could smell.

His daughter.

"Do you even know her name?" Mira whispered as they stood there, in her doorway. "Laxus? It's Aura."

His chest felt tight, but he was able to whisper, "Aura," as he eyes only stayed on her. Then, swallowing, he repeated it once more. "Aura."

It was too loud though, that time, and from her bed the girl stirred some, lifting her head. Mira froze then, holding her own breath, hoping that she just go back to sleep.

But things never worked that way.

"Mommy?" came this childlike plea and Mira moved forwards automatically, to go tend to her, while Laxus only hung back, watching.

"Aura," her mother whispered as she came to bend down and brush the girl's hair back. "It's alright. I was just checking on you. Go back to-"

Laxus shuffled then, in the hall, making just enough noise to not only make Mira acknowledge him, but also to get Aura to glance over. At the sight of him, she sat up in even more surprise and maybe he should have been offended, Laxus should have, but he only stood there. Silent. Watching.

Mira gave him a look too, for drawing such attention to himself, but it was too late then, it seemed and, still bending over her daughter, she only nodded towards the man and said, "This is Mommy's friend. Laxus. He's from Fairy Tail."

That relaxed the girl, almost instantly it seemed, but not as much as when Mira finished.

"He's Master's grandson."

"Master," Aura whispered and, smiling, she spoke then to the first time to her father and added, "Hi."

He felt hot then, Laxus did, and his stomach hurt. His eye were watery. His head was aching. He felt like he was dying.

"Hi," he whispered back and the little girl giggled and he had to leave. He had to go then. It was as he turned to though that his eyes caught a strange pattern of light trickling in and, looking over at the window, he saw it there, still, all those years later. His statue. Watching over her the whole time.

"I have to go," he told Mira, but she only stayed by her daughter and he headed right back out of the house, to get away from them. To get away from it.

But Mira didn't have the same luxury.

She pressed a bunch of kisses to Aura's golden head and, eventually, the girl drifted right off. The second she had, Mira went and got her communication lacrima and convinced Lisanna to ditch Elfman and come home immediately. Elf wanted to come too, since Mira was clearly distraught, but she insisted he stay and finish the job.

Plus...she really wanted to talk to her sister. Without him there. It was the only thing she wanted.

Laxus though, he had to go home. He had to face the music. And the train ride there did little to help his already queasy stomach. He must have looked like death when he arrived home, slipping out of his coat and walking through the darkened house. His wife wasn't in their bedroom though, but did find the light on in her office. That place reeked too, but of paint and her.

The two were pretty mutually exclusive.

"Go away," was all she said, her back to him as she stood before an easle, not even turning as he opened the door. "I'm busy. What's the rule?"

"Tasha-"

"The door is closed and that means-"

"Tasha." His voice broke some too and got her to turn that time, to look at him. He usually would girl at the sight of her hair up in the messy bun and how, when she was curious about something, her nose scrunched up and...and…

"What?" She knew him too and could tell then that something was very wrong. She rushed right over to him then, stepping around all the junk she kept in the room, nearly tripping on the way. "Laxus? What happened? Are you okay?"

But he couldn't look her in the eyes. It was impossible. Instead, he focused on something passed her as he reached out, grasping her shoulders in his hands and began...began...began what he could make of the situation that Mira had gotten him- That he'd helped get himself in. That he'd only perpetuated for years at that point.

Mirajane wasn't without her punishment as well though because, a few hours later, when Lisanna arrived back home, she had a lot to unload too. It wasn't nearly as unpleasant, but it still both sisters in tears and Lisanna had never felt so betrayed by her sister. Never once. Mira didn't hide things from her. And yet, somehow, she'd hidden the largest thing in the world form her.

Lisanna slunk off to her room and Mira only pulled the covers over her head, wishing to wake up and it all be different. But it wouldn't be. It couldn't be. All because she'd been too scared, when the time came, to tell Laxus the truth, and every instance afterwards that she had the chance to.

Laxus felt much the same, in his home, alone then. Because he came clean. Completely clean. He told her every single thing that he knew currently and had more than suspected previously. Tasha...didn't take it too well.

When she left, Laxus sulked, for a long time. Cursed them all. Mira, her child, even himself. Then, eventually, after downing a few beers, he got on his communication lacrima and requested the presence of the only people that would give him shit for what had happened.

Mostly because the one that would give him shit over it had long known and the other two were too fearful to rebuke him in such a way.

They did nothing to make him feel better though. And, as he passed out that night, Laxus' wish was much like Mira's. Only he wished he'd never gone and meddled in what was much better undisturbed. Or, even, not fucking around with Mirajane to begin with.

It was definitely all her fault.

Tasha didn't come back that night. Or the next morning. Afternoon either. And Laxus wanted to go look for her, he was sure she was with her family or one of her friends, but knew that would be no good. She always gave him his space. It was time to grant her hers.

Now that things were out though, Laxus knew there was one thing he could go do. That he had to go do. Because he trusted Freed, Bickslow, and Ever to keep anything he told them secret, but Mira was cornered now and he figured she'd start telling her side of things soon enough and, well, there was one person that he wanted to hear his first.

Makarov, understandably, was not pleased. Laxus saw him over at his home, where the elderly man spent more and more time as oppose to his guild and they had the conversation out on his back porch. The man had been shocked to see his grandson, the good kind.

Until he told his truth.

"Laxus," he whispered softly as he only shook his head in disbelief. "How could you know this for so long? And hide it from me?"

"Gramps-"

"I would give anything to have those years with you again. When you were that young. And you just wasted them."

"Mira didn't want-"

"Who is Mirajane Strauss then? To dictate what you do with your child?"

Letting out a long breath, Laxus only watched his grandfather as he whispered, "I just...I hate this. I hate it all."

The old man sighed himself, shaking his head once more. "It's not all bad. The child...Aura… My granddaughter."

And he started laughing then, the slight old man did, until he cried. Laxus watched silently, instead tilting his head up and staring at the sky.

How many times would he fail? Before he got things right?

After his grandfather's, Laxus went to the Strauss home once more, a good few hours earlier than the day before. He wasn't so certain the girl wouldn't already be in bed this time, but he had hope.

It wasn't Mira that answered the door though this time. Instead, Lisanna glared from the other side of the doorway at him and seemed, somehow, even more reluctant to let him in than her sister had.

"I came to see-"

"Mira's not here."

"That's not who I-"

"Aunt Lisanna!" And there she was Aura. She popped up from behind the woman, grinning as she hung onto the woman's hip. Peeking out from behind her, she giggled as she announced quite proudly, "That's Look-seez. Mommy friend."

And Mommy friends were always welcome.

Always.

Lisanna glared at him though before saying, "You shouldn't be here without Mirajane, Laxus."

He only frowned right back though. "I wasn't the one that caused this, Lisanna. Your sister-"

"I'm not really happy with her right now either, so we're even."

"Then just let me in." He could only shrug at the woman. "What do you think I'm going to do?"

She wasn't sure. Of anything, really. Still, Lisanna seemed hesitant as she opened the door more and Aura, starting to pick up on her aunt's emotions, eyed Laxus a bit more suspiciously now as he came into the house. Laxus did nothing to alleviate her fears. He wasn't much for smiling in normal circumstances. That day definitely wasn't one that he felt like giving one up. But he did hold his hand out to the girl, once he was there, in her living room, and slowly, Aura reached out to take it.

Laxus only wrapped his much bigger one around hers as he shook it, getting a giggle from the little girl. To her, he said, "I'm Laxus. Like your mother told you last night. And...and I think we might be spending a lot of time together, now, maybe. Some, at least."

Lisanna watched silently, ready to kick him right back out the door if the time called for it, but, after a moment's thought, Aura only retracted her hand before asking,

"Do you know Go Fish?"

"How to play, you mean?" Laxus asked with a frown. She was a bit hard to understand, as all young children are, for someone unaccustomed with their speech patterns. When she nodded, he only shrugged, looking to Lisanna before right in the girl's eyes as he said, "Yeah. I guess I do."

And she ran off to get her cards.

It was only after he was seated on the floor, with his legs crossed, with the reluctant Lisanna and the excited Aura that he learned the girl, however, had no idea how to play. But she definitely got the gist of the game.

"Gimme your cards, Look-seez."

How could he refuse?

When Mira came home to find them there, Lisanna once more attempting to explain the rules, Aura hording nearly all the cards, and Laxus looking very confused as to what the point of it all was, she didn't smile. She couldn't smile. But as her daughter jumped up to greet her (still carrying most of her cards with her, dropping some of them along the way), she didn't hate the sight of her sister and Laxus' eyes both watching them.

Just wished she didn't feel so tired at the sight.

Laxus didn't stay long after that and Lisanna still seemed distant form her sister, but Aura wanted to tell the whole thing to her mother that night before bed.

"Look-seez s'not very good at Go Fish," she accused with a shake of her head as her mother sat at her bed side, slicking back her hair. "I helped 'im."

"Did you?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Do you like Laxus? Aura?"

It wasn't like she had a lot to go on. Or was a very deep thinker at her age. But still, with a grin, her daughter nodded her head.

"Lots," she assured Mira and, looking down at her hands, she tried hard to not let her voice break as a few tears finally dripped down, speckling the pale white flesh of the back of her hands.

"Good," she whispered as her daughter, unaware, only hoped that she could see him again soon, to play again. "That's so good, baby."

Next Chapter

#Miraxus #Mirajane Strauss #Laxus Dreyar #Fairy Tail #Fanfiction #8 of ?

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thoughtcock · 3 years

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Post breakup reflection

1. What was my role in the demise of this relationship?

Many times, he has expressed to me that I am not fulfilling his needs enough and that he’s way more giving than I am in the relationship.

For example, he expects sex at least 3-4 times a week, and uses sex as a way to destress himself. For me, working full time with irregular schedules makes it pretty difficult for that to commit to this much sexy time. Plus, when I’m stressed, sex is the last thing I would think of. As such, I felt guilty and pressured whenever I can’t seem to satisfy him physically. It’s like I’m expected to still give a blowjob and whatever after a long, hectic and possibly even traumatising day at work. During the whole period of dating I felt like I partially lost interest in sex. Not just because of work stress, but I’m sure he played a role in making me feel like this as well. As a result, sometimes our times in bed can feel "boring” or I just seem to feel pain/discomfort from sex. To him, being unable to satisfy him made him feel upset, and he would be meaner to me as a result. Honestly, 1-2 times a week is more than enough for me, but sometimes he made me feel like I never tried, and that hurts but I guess that disinterest has caused the downfall. He said so much hurtful things to me in retrospect, and I can’t believe I just took in everything he said and thought we could work this out again.

He thinks I’m too passive and quiet, always being unable to speak my mind and engage in deep conversations with him. But again, I always felt like I am trying my best, its just I’’m so tired from work and I physically just dont have the energy to keep having deep philosophical conversations over and over again. Sometimes I would just like my downtime to be chill, making dumb jokes and just doing mindless stuff together. I would admit that it can be difficult for me to speak my mind at times, but I really really really did try my best to open up as best as I can. I am not sure how else I can be open already to be honest. And the more he demands that from me, the more emotionally tiring it is for me. Because I really am not sure where I have gone wrong in that regard, but I just know what I’m not doing enough to him has caused the downfaill of our relationship.

The nature of my job has also caused a lot of friction between us as well. There were times where I would unreasonably make him translate a lot of sound bites for me, lots of last minute OT days that left him waiting for me, lots of anxiety on my end that he can’t seem to help me with. In all honesty, he has never been that respectful to my job, and questioned my skills as a reporter. But for me, I just wished he couldnt understand why I felt like this and just be there for me (without making fun of me) when things got tough. It is my fault to an extent because I sometimes cannot control my emotional outbursts during work and that work always seems to throw me a curveball and that I am constantly seeking help from him.

It fucking sucks but I guess its really our needs clashing against each other, and it feels so fucked up to admit that I let myself be treated like that and I question myself if I will ever be enough.

2. What can I do differently in my next relationship?

Writing this out made me realise that all these demises are really out of my control. But I know there’s some aspects of myself that i can change. I agree that I’m a passive and less giving person, in which I swore to myself that I would change when we patched back again. I guess it was too late because you broke my heart really soon after that.

I would do so much differently. I would never ever let myself feel small, belittled or get fucked over by a man again. I would find someone who can compliment my lifestyle and needs, and vice versa. I would find someone who makes me believe that I am enough, that I don’t have to fight so hard just to maintain the relationship. I would be more guarded, as I now realise that even the most unexpecting of people can do horrible things like cheating, but not too guarded that I lose my ability to be vulnerable and have trust issues with the guy (I should never feel like i have trust issues if I’m with someone who truly loves me). I would never settle for men who are not willing to commit, or second guess their commitments halfway through the relationship. I will never be with someone who has cheated, or are still in contact with their toxic exes. I would not be with someone overly religious. I would never be with someone who pressures me for more sex.

As for myself, I want to be more giving to the person who is deserving of it. I want us to plan for our goals and future together. I want to be more communicative even when the times are tough. I want to shower him with more loving words, little handmade gifts, acts of service to show that I’m thinking of him more. I want to be more appreciative of their presence and love, never to take them for granted. I want to spend more quality time with him, while doing my best to balance my work well and not unload shit on him too much.

3. Have I been realistic in my expectations?

I realised that by being attached to someone, I tend to let my expectations go down without even realising, as I think my needs are not as important for now. For example, I would prefer to rent a house together and have a chat on how we can align our life goals together, our financial goals. If marriage is on the line, sure I am open to it. I would prefer to have pets over children anyday as well. I am also willing to move out to anywhere, like a bonnie and clyde do or die moment together. Our lives didn’t have to be stable exactly, I just needed a stable person that can do life with me even with all the crazy unexpected adventures ahead.

In hindsight, my ex was suddenly unwilling to do all of that with me. He gave me excuses like him still finding a job and not thinking of the future, and later just outrightly admitted that he didn’t want a lifestyle like that. And here I was, being naive enough to accept his words, thinking that we can talk about this again in the future, when his career is more stable bla bla bla. And in the end, that caused us to break up.

I would say at my age, my expectations are pretty reasonable, its everything a long-term couple would have to face eventually. It just too bad I’ve been dating people who seem to have commitment issues or “cannot give me what I want”. But what I want is pretty ordinary in any healthy relationship,.........

4. Would I date me?

I would say yes, I think knowing myself, I am a more fun person who can live a life free of guilty conscience. I am not exactly a morally bad person I think? I think I am a mentally strong person despite all of life shits thrown at me, and I am a committed person once I think I am the person for me. Just look at me in my previous relationships, trying to stick by the people I thought who loved me until they told me they couldn’t. Also, my looks ain’t that bad if I take care of myself well

Of course, there’s some aspects of me that may not be dateable. For example, I’m messy, disorganised, overly emotional at times. I may be passive at times as well. I am not exactly the kindest person as well, I take more than I give. Oh well, no one is perfect right?

5. Who was he really?

Wow... a miserable, narcissistic, cynical and all round horrible person. I might be biased because he cheated of me and broke my heart, but I really never expected him to be this heartless. To be asking me “Why are you so upset since its not your fault”?/?? Like hello are you dense or stupid or just fucking ruthless? I am upset and heartbroken because I LOVED YOU. Yes, you warned me this is the kind of person you were, but yet I am so dumb to love you and accepted your flaws. I thought my love was enough for you. Oh well, at least when the next person tells me that, I would gladly fuck off next time, because who knows when they will use that against me. Thank you for showing your true colors again and again. I think I was just blinded because I accepted the fucked up person as you are. Fuck you, you miserable shithead and for telling me all these lies at the start of our relationship. fuck you for rushing into this, and pressuring me to date and have sex with you even though I had my reservations and I would have taken things slow. Fuck, typing this out just made me realise how much I gave in to you. And that makes me sad because I comprimised so many of my beliefs just to get together with you. You really did make me feel like a fool in the end, fuck you.

6. What is my limiting belief?

Living in this city can be such a lonely thing. When I was single, I let myself do situationships and FWBs and hook-ups, but all these just served to make me feel empty in the end. I thought I could be happy on my own, but thinking about it now, I had the help of many passing men in my life to distract things. Now that I’m not about that lifestyle anymore, it really does make me feel small and empty and lonely here. I guess my limiting belief would be that no matter how hard I try to want to be okay with being alone, I am still scared that I would actually end up alone, even though being alone may not be such a bad thing.

My limiting belief is also that I think I might never be able to find someone who 100% compliments me. Idk why that scares me so much and its such a sad thought, which is why I tend to settle and comprimise for people who may not be so good to me. Will I be able to find someone that aligns with my life goals, while being able to understand and connect to me? Whoever you are, I hope I can find you someday.

7. What are my plans for me?

It does seem tempting to jump back to dating apps in hopes to find someone again, but I know that is not going to help in the long run. I guess i have to use the next couple of months to really re-evaluate my life and what I want next. Perhaps it is to focus on my career while learning how to manage the hectic-ness that comes ahead, and to form healthy habits like exercise and regular therapy to improve on my well-being. I also want to take the time to connect with my friends and meet new ones again, they have been so helpful to me, being there for me at my worst when I felt like this pain was just too much to bear. I realise now I do have a very good group of friends, and I want to be there for them even if I get into another relationship.

It kinda sucks having to go through this process of breakup again, not going to lie, but I want to take the time to have a clean slate of mind before jumping back to the dating game. and this time, I am not playing any games or taking shit from people who don’t matter. I want to learn how to respect myself enough to walk away from shitty people and situations, I want to learn how to protect my heart better, I want to be a better person for me. I want to love myself more so I can eventually love someone else just as much as I love me. And if that someone never comes? I want to learn to truly accept being on my own. I thought I had that nailed down previously but I guess some lessons need to be re-learnt again.

If time goes well, I should be able to date again in a few months. I dont really think I have to take many months again to see if Im ok with a relationship again. Because I know its something I want to pursue at this point, and this process may take a long time anyway. So in the meantime, I will just learn how to take everything with a pinch of salt while I put myself out there again.

I am proud of myself for trying to take the healthy way out and trying to heal healthily from this, even though this path feels so lonely at times. But I have to do it for me...

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justsaya · 6 years

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I got bored so here some things

I'm a huge fan HP:Mystery, so in these i was reading a lot of Headcanons and i was thinking about my MC and also about my Big Brother's MC(in my family is the only one who support my omosexuality...bc to him "So you're lesbian...well probably my future wife probably will be an alien(i know how huge fan of Mass Effect 1,2,3 he is...so he's joking but i know him enough to say that probably he'll be married with some kind of alien for real)" so then i asked about his MC and now i'm going to say something about him(don't worry give the time to find and re-copy my MC's Headcanon and i'll post them too ^_^) Prepare yourself my Brother mostly love 3 things: FullMetal Alchemist and Dramas(and here Jacob is Rowan's big brother), Harry Potter

Name: David "Jager" Denneth(His Dad call him Jager/Hunter, He is German and her mother is English or Wells, he isn't sure for now...but she's born in Great Britain)

Family: Father(Fritz Denneth, He was orphan and adopted by a old wandering Monk who use Alchemy "FullMetal Alchemist Style"), Biological Mother(Christine Wellburn, she is a pureblood witch with a disease who block her ability to do magic but her family was rich and powerful enough so she went to Hogwarts anyways mostly for study a possible cure),Big Brother(Glaive Denneth is a Jacob's friends but David knows about him during the Sorting Hat thing and he was a normal wizard without disease and mostly a curious Ravenclaw like her mother but without disease then).

Born in: Second Half of August in a little village on the borderline between Germany and France there are like 1000 people around the area and mostly they're working adult or old enough to go to retirement, not much child like him or his best friend/like a sister, Elizabeth(She hate get called by full name, even the teachers call her Liz, bc she thinks it's such a long and uncool name)

Hair: Ginger like a Weasley and his father and they haven't a good Father/Son relationship until the end of Year 4(and even then...it's like "Can we just try to not argue everytime and enjoy a meal with shouting?" kind of relationship)So he hates his hair color but when got invited by Bill to Weasley's house, Molly was like "Charlie finally you're out of your room...wait..you're not Charlie...Bill, who did you take here?"

Eyes: Blue like a Sapphire and like his mother

Background: He grew thinking to be a only child in his family, and without a mother(Dead some days after his birth, Fritz says he get killed by an evil monster called Severus Snape, later he'll discover Snape try to cure her disease and...something went bad...but for that time Christine was mad/insane unable to be a mother even when she already had Glaive, Snape usually insult David by saying "Not even your mother wants to give birth to you, how can you think we want you here in Hogwarts?"). His Dad just buy a house in Germany right after his wife's death, and leave Glaive to some relatives of his wife and time from time Fritz disappear and go to Glaive trying to be a good dad and neglecting David who grew by hanging out with Liz and her mother(a muggle who also married a wizard, dead by a muggle landmine leave it there during WW2 while he's going in a near forest to take some ingredients for some healing potion, his wife knew he was a wizard and know mostly about it. She knows that someday Liz will go to a magic-school). David feels lonely while his Dad put him in the forest and force him to learn Alchemy/Trasmutation, mostly because he don't want another mage-child, so he tried to keep him with him even if he go often to Glaive to support him. So feeling lonely someday tries to do the thing(you know...the same resurrection thing of Edward and Alphone from FMA) he failed in the worst way possible losing the right arm and left leg(God Said "So you couldn't enjoy the feeling to braid the fingers with Liz when you feel scared and lonely during the storms and the leg to chase her till the lake where you both swam") He got panicked like hell, alone in that house while was dying...Liz came there just in time to save him, carrying him on the shoulder while he was losing so much blood. Got saved but unable to explain to Liz and her mother(she's a doctor in that place and wizard and muggle in that place stick together pretty well), too scared, so much traumatized to refuse to talk about that. Without his father for almost an year so, almost 11 years old while this kind of mother was making the impossible for making him some prosthesis enchanted with magic(found it while she was investigating in her dead husband study) not the best ones, but enough good to move, run and trying to be happy again. He got his letter for the Beauxbaton's accademy(the nearest from that village) and he was also thinking about to go, to find some help, but when his dad came back, he just listen his voice for freak the fuck out the window and run away in France where he meet Minerva during a travel. Fritz talk a lot about how scary wizards really are, but she was kind and he try to be gentle by help her with her luggage, he's not so strong but his trasmutation's ability made McGonagall curious enough to takes him to Hogwarts and pays for him. During the travel he tried to talk about what he did in his house, how he still feel about that horrible day and how he can't sleep well because the nightmares scares him enough to prefer to stays awake or just napping when he feels to need it. At hogwarts got sorted in Griphyndor but the Hat want him in Hufflepuff for a lot of reasons, but Minerva during the travel talk a lot about her job so he wanted be in the same house(OT: and other reasons but i can't traduct them pretty well..sorry).

FINALLY OH MY GOD, I LOVE MY BROTHER BUT HE IS SUCH A HUGE CHIT-CHATTER AND THE WHOLE BACKGROUND WAS NECESSARY FOR SHOW SOME SENSE IN HIS HEADCANONS(and nope, he doesn't have a tumblr account, and i wrote all i know about his CrossoverMC because tonight i'm bored like living in a bored hell, sorry if you reading this)

Headcanons:

- Everyone in Denneth-family have a personal diary/agenda where to write their discoveries or their thoughts about what they do, David wrote things about Magic, Alchemy and experiments with both, for a short period even wrote his feeling about everything. Nobody is sure why he writes so much, but he could hate someone forever if they read without permission, after a bad joke by Merula trying to steal that diary he begin to use a secret code based on cooking recipes that he likes, so nobody is sure if they're reading about a secret alchemy experiment or a very sweet lemon cake recipe(also thanks to that he learned how to cook and begin to cook for his friends).

- David meet Rowan at Diagon Alley but with Minerva by his side because he was still nervous about the whole magic-world thing, Rowan use some jokes and loose him a little even in the train they're reading Hogwarts: A history together trying to calm him each other

- During the train-travel Rowan noticed the metal arm of David, but he didn't want to tell the reason and Rowan was even more curious but he was sympathetic enough to don't ask, so no problem still pals.

During the first year when he noticed Snape for the first time he assults him asking question about his mother shouting a lot, Minerva came right before he could punch him and has reassured him but losing so much house points

- In the dorms he always take the bed nearest to the windows, it helps to sleep a little better even when he had nightmares.

- Watching Ben get bullied by Merula makes boil his blood and he confront her even when the whole school was laughting at him because(they still don't know) because how can a mage unable to cast even Lumos, to duel a real mage? Ben thought David was the coolest first year because is uncapable as a mage but still fight knowing to lose, and he lose, until someday tried to fight back with trasmutations and took off the wand from Merula hand, totally pissed off and even Flitwick secretly cheers him after so many times he lost those duels, and he permitted to use Alchemy during duels and he gotta admit(and the other students who watched him) he's pretty fast and agile, even without using Alchemy at all, so Flitwick just say "It's good have a duel with different kind of enemies, so we should be grateful to have an unique student like Mr.Denneth"

- Minerva bought him a female cat and he called her Ortensia(it's the italian version of hydrangea) and mostly he talks with her and try to fight his inner nightmare but it's real hard, he doesn't even feels hungry, and during winter the metal limbs hurt so much, even get up from bed it's hell, but Ben helps him without asking question, but by listen him screaming and sobbing during the sleep, he has some idea but it's alchemy/trasmutation things so he knows but without understanding.

- Meeting Penny was heaven, so cheerful, so funny...one day just tell to Rowan(he is a Ravenclaw and the jacob thing is hell for him, but David likes to listen him talk) "Penny's smile is like coffee, without her, days can't start for me". Rowan just laughts but also agree with him

- In the third year, knowing Penny sad story, saved him from suicide...he wanted to put an end to nightmares..but knowing about someone like Penny go through almost the same hell like him, was inspirational so he just fight back the pain, even during the whole boggart in the cursed vault where thanks to Minerva intervetion got saved and go to German for repairing his metal limbs, still scared and that's why Bill went with him. His almost-mother was so happy to see him, she was crying a lot while she was hugging him, Liz was pissed off enough to insults David a lot, but after some hours she calmed and tell about the fact their parents got married while he was at Hogwarts during those years...so Liz now is his step-sister for real. David was so surprised like almost fainted during dinner at home also watch his dad eat dinner calmly without even talk about the whole Human-Trasmutation thing was like "Ok, this whole travel is a joke and i'm imprisoned in some Cursed Vaults without even know it, and i'm watching something i would love to be real" They laught a lot

- His way to say "I love you" is "A world without you is not a world i want to live in" and he said these words only to Penny when is God-Boggart tried to attack Penny in the Cursed Vault. She took almost the whole summer to understand why he said those words, literally she write to him asking some explanations and he was like "You saved me that day in so many different ways" and wrote the date of the day she talked about Scarlet, she took a very intimate moment when they meet during summer to totally knows what David was going to do that day...and he got slapped and then kissed on the same cheek he got the slap.

- Barbaby, Charlie and David are the Kettlerburn's most enthusiastic students, also the most favourite ones, Barbaby for his caring about creatures, Charlie for his curiosity(he does a lot of questions), David mostly plays with creature, he is such emphatic with them, he treat them well like human-friends, even the scariest creature loves David, who just enjoy like a kid those lessons and still get good grades by taking notes when he isn't unsure to remember something, also David called his step-mother for taking care of mechanical limbs of Kettlerburn, totally free, because metal limbs are such a pain when it's raining or during the winter, they hurt like hell, so David take care of Kettleburn's hard job with creature when he doesn't feel well, sometimes Kettleburn doesn't show up during the lesson for that pain, so David, Barbaby and Charlie hang out with the creatures just for fun.

- Barbaby tried to learn Alchemy from David, it didn't went good, so for now David will be the only Alchemist in Hogwarts but David repays his attempt by teaching him some magicless-selfdefense because he need a sparring partner and Barbaby is pretty tought to fight, David wins most of the times but Barbaby is pretty strong so..he loses a few times

- Talking about Melee-fighting, David NEVER hits people with his metal limbs, mostly he use them as shields trying to block dangerous spells or hunt dangerous creatures

- Before Penny's secret, he loves the way Tulip doesn't care about rules like him, and he tried to make some bad jokes to Filch and Mrs.Norris, with Tonks otherwise ask some love-advice, but he didn't use them a lot those...he just be honest with Penny and got lucky(even when someone ask him love-advice now that he dates with Penny, he just says "I was lucky most of the times, i just tried...but i feel like she did the all love-thing...i asked her after our first kiss if the kiss meant i'm her boyfriend now...and she said yes, i was unsure if i was doing a good job by trying to take her to hogsmeade or to watch some movies during the summer, i asked her everytime...") they all laught about those story but they think an "In love David" is the cutest and funniest thing ever because after the third year David was joining the Quidditch team and he was really good, so confident during the matches and the lessons, so listening about how shy he is when he is near Penny is so funny and cute..

- His favorite '80s movie is Breakfast Club, he watched it at cinema trying to take Minerva as "Lesson about Muggle-world" he chose that film totally at random and love it, then invite Penny for watching it with her, thinking she probably will likes it, and she finds it a really good movie.

- His Favorite love Song is Nothing Else Matters, but of course it's came out during the 1991 so...until then, the other love songs feels like "This song doesn't describe how i really feel when i think about Penny, it's a good song but not enough to like it"

#penny haywood #harry potter mystery #barbaby #tulip #tonks #merula snyde #ben cooper #headcanon #mc

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junker-town · 4 years

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Tristan Wirfs is athletic as hell and not just for an offensive tackle

Iowa OT Tristan Wirfs is a likely top-10 pick in the 2020 NFL Draft.

Retired defensive end Stephen White breaks down why Iowa’s Tristan Wirfs deserves to be the first tackle taken in this year’s draft.

Sometimes I’m as guilty as anybody when it comes to putting qualifiers on a prospect’s athletic ability. I might say this guy is fast “for a defensive tackle” or that guy is strong “for a wide receiver,” just to try to be clear about how good they are without overselling it.

Well, Tristan Wirfs doesn’t need any qualifiers — that dude is an athlete period!

Sure, he’s an offensive lineman and every bit of 6’5 and 320 pounds, but he looks like a small forward running around on the field. His tape at Iowa tells you everything you need to know about Wirfs’ speed, quickness, explosion, and agility. But if you had any lingering doubts, his combine performance should’ve smashed them all to smithereens.

I bet a lot of fans have heard about him blazing a 4.85-second 40-yard dash in Indianapolis, but did you also hear about his 36.5-inch vertical? What about the 121-inch broad jump?

If that isn’t impressive to you, try to best any of his marks. Go ahead and post it on your lil TikTok so we can all laugh at you pulling every muscle in your body.

You won’t catch me trying, though. I know better.

What Wirfs does well: Pancake blocks

As I noted last year in Cody Ford’s breakdown, it’s becoming apparent to me that right tackles are no longer stereotypical road graders. Instead, I’m starting to see a lot of “dancing bear” types who I would normally expect to see at left tackle lining up and playing well on the right side. Wirfs is just another example of that shift.

Which isn’t to say Wirfs can’t knock people off the ball, because he did a damn good job of that in the four games of his I watched. But with a guy his size, it’s not exactly earth-shattering to see Wirfs moving people. It is, however, at least a little shocking when you first watch him pull outside and lead a running back 10 yards down the field looking more like a fullback than an offensive tackle.

At least to me it was.

Wirfs definitely has some road grader to him, though. I was super impressed with his ability to stick with defenders after contact. Once he locked on, it was almost certain he was going to take the defender on a joy ride.

It didn’t hurt that whenever he got the opportunity, Wirfs was always finishing dudes off. If a cat let his guard down before the whistle blew, he could easily find himself staring up at the sky contemplating life and wondering where it all went wrong.

Never waste an opportunity to pancake your opposition, I always say, and it appears Wirfs agrees with that sentiment.

I know for as great as his combine was overall, he didn’t exactly have an eye-popping number on bench press. But for someone with 34-inch-long arms, getting 24 reps is pretty good. Additionally, Wirfs tends to generate most of his power from his lower body, anyway. So don’t worry about the bench press numbers, because it’s clear from the tape that Wirfs’ power will transfer well to the next level.

What Wirfs does well: Plays under control

Of course, the main attraction for offensive tackle prospects is their ability as pass protectors these days. All those pancakes are nice, but if you are getting the quarterback killed on passing plays, you’re going to end up getting everybody fired. That’s why it’s of utmost importance in this golden age of passing that offensive linemen, and particularly offensive tackles, are able to keep that heat off the QB.

When Wirfs was in a racehorse stance (upright instead of with his hand in the dirt) with his outside foot staggered well back, I thought he was as outstanding of a pass blocker as I’ve seen. His feet were so quick that he never had to bail out too hard, no matter how wide, or how fast, the edge rusher was. If a guy took a chance at trying to get the edge on Wirfs, more than likely he was going to end up either getting driven 5+ yards deeper than the quarterback, or buried on the way there.

At some point during their attempted pass rush, some cats would figure out they weren’t going to make it around the outside of Wirfs, but things didn’t get any easier when they tried to stick their foot in the ground and make a counter move inside. Wirfs would simply stick his foot in the ground at the same time and smother the rushers on the spot. Because he never had to panic and turn and run with a speed rusher, Wirfs hardly ever got so out of control that he couldn’t react to their change of direction.

That’s not something you always see, even from offensive tackles who test well athletically. The way Wirfs almost always plays under control, while still being able to explode into defenders, was one of my favorite things about watching his tape.

One of my other favorite things was how aware he was on the field. I don’t think I saw Wirfs get caught slipping even once on a pass-rush game or a blitz, and that’s damn near impossible to do for most offensive linemen. A couple of those teams were throwing the kitchen sink at him. Yet, he always seemed to be able to split his focus on the edge rusher, and keeping an eye out for any funny business coming his way from inside.

There was this play of his against USC that perfectly captures what I’m trying to say here. It isn’t a flashy play, and if you aren’t paying attention you might even miss it. A USC linebacker came on a delayed blitz to the B gap inside of Wirfs, well after Wirfs was already engaged with the edge rusher to his side and Iowa didn’t have enough blockers to pick him up. The linebacker was coming in hard as a free runner at the quarterback.

The edge rusher came off with a power move, so Wirfs had to deal with him first. After he had that guy locked down, at the very last — and I mean very last — second, and right after his quarterback had thrown the ball, Wirfs quickly turned from the edge rusher and banged that blitzer inside of him hard enough to knock the dude off course, and prevent him from blowing up Iowa’s quarterback.

You don’t know how many times I watched that play, slowed down, with my eyes bugged out. I have no idea a) how Wirfs even saw that blitzer coming nor b) how he was able to turn that fast and make enough solid contact to keep his quarterback clean.

I’m not sure you can even coach that.

Where Wirfs can improve: His kick step

It should be obvious that I’m very high on this Wirfs kid. However, I did have one moderate concern about his play. I mentioned before that when Wirfs has that good stagger with his outside leg, he is almost unbeatable as a pass blocker. My issue comes in when he doesn’t have that stagger to his stance.

When Wirfs is in a “regular” stance with his hand in the dirt, he tends to not actually kick step, or if he does kick step, a lot of times he will end up stepping wide without also stepping back. He is so athletic that usually he is able to get away with it and you won’t even notice his footwork, but he also wasn’t facing NFL talent every play at Iowa.

The very few times he did get beat — and on the only sack he gave up in those four games — was when it was a lot more obvious that his footwork was off because he stepped wide and the edge rusher made a relatively quick inside move.

Since he was going laterally, rather than laterally and backward, Wirfs also wasn’t able to generate much power on contact on several plays where the edge rusher came off hard and ended up running down the middle of him. That forced Wirfs to end up being the nail and not the hammer, absorbing the blow rather than delivering it.

Having said that, the way Wirfs was able to recover on several of those rushes where it looked like he was in trouble initially, was absolutely cuss-worthy. One time I was sure he was at least going to get driven back into the quarterback’s lap after he gave up so much ground on contact. Next thing I know, I look up, and not only had Wirfs anchored down to stop the edge rusher’s momentum, he turned around and pancaked the dude.

Let me repeated, he turned around and pancaked the dude!

Bruh ...

Wirfs’ NFL future: Potential All-Pro

I’m going to let everybody in on a little secret; there is no such thing as a “perfect” prospect. No matter how good they were in college, every one of those players is going to have to improve on something to be the best they can be on the next level. What is important is that their flaws are fixable, and few.

With Wirfs, I don’t think he will have much trouble getting his kick step sharpened up when he’s in a three-point stance, and that’s really my only concern about how well his game will translate to the next level. If I were to compare him to the other offensive tackles I’ve broken down so far, Wirfs is the most ready today to go out and start an NFL game at offensive tackle.

And notice I didn’t say on which side, because with the way he moves on the field, I could definitely see Wirfs doing a great job lined up the left side in the NFL, too.

I think the sky's the limit for Mekhi Becton, but he will more than likely have to play guard initially because of issues with his pass protection. I like Jedrick Wills Jr. a lot too, but his lapses in effort every now and then also gives me pause. Wirfs, however, can do everything you could possible want to call on an offensive tackle to do, and he’s only going to get better as he sharpens up his technique.

For my money, Wirfs should be the first offensive tackle taken off the board of the three, and considering Becton will likely be selected as a guard, I ultimately think Wirfs will be the first true tackle taken.

Of course, we will all find out who is right when the draft rolls around. It will take a little longer to see who is right about the evaluation, though. No matter where he goes, I see Wirfs being a Pro Bowler within his first three years in the league, and he will likely be an All-Pro before it’s all said and done.

If a team in need of a tackle near the top of the draft passes on him, it will probably live to regret it.

Be sure to check out my other scouting reports on Chase Young, Jerry Jeudy, Derrick Brown, Jedrick Wills Jr., A.J. Epenesa, CeeDee Lamb, Javon Kinlaw, Mekhi Becton, Terrell Lewis, Henry Ruggs III, and Neville Gallimore.

For the purposes of this breakdown, I watched Wirfs play against Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, and USC (Holiday Bowl).

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placetobenation · 5 years

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The college football season is a few weeks old, and we’ve seen a ton of blowouts and a ton of points scored. Starting this coming week, we may finally start seeing some top matchups and defenses may start to show up.

As always, Scott & Logan have your recaps and look ahead to what is upon us this weekend.

LOGAN:

Kansas State Runs All Over Starkville: Mississippi State fans coming into this week knew they were going to get all the could handle from the Wildcats. The Wildcats boast an impressive running attack and the Bulldogs hadn’t shown a great ability to stop the run. Needless to say, neither of those things changed on Saturday. Now while you may look at the stats and think that 146 yards rushing isn’t a ton of yards but trust me as a person that took this game in live, it seemed like any time they needed a big run or a first down they were able to accomplish it. While the Bulldogs were able to get a lead late in the game, a kickoff return TD by the Wildcats all but sunk any chance of a victory for the Bulldogs as it completely swung the momentum of the game back in the direction of the Wildcats. Kansas State was able to run out of Starkville with a 31-24 victory. The Bulldogs now have a lot of questions to answer as they welcome Wildcats of another kind, in the form of Kentucky next week in a crucial SEC matchup.

Florida Escapes Against Kentucky: Speaking of Kentucky, they welcomed in the Florida Gators this week for the SEC opener for both teams. Kentucky was able to do something against the Gators last year that they hadn’t done in 31 years and that is defeat the Gators. The Wildcats were looking to make it 2 in a row and this time doing it in front of their home crowd. Kentucky was able to outplay the Gators through the first 3 quarters, holding a 21-10 lead heading into the 4th. Florida QB Feleipe Franks would go down late in the 3rd quarter with what looked to be a terrible leg injury. Enter Kyle Trask. Once Trask entered the game, the Gators were able to take over scoring 3 4th quarter touchdowns and coming away with 29-21 victory. While losing Franks is a big loss for the Gators, the way Trask played in this game has got to give you a good feeling and hope that the Gators can stay the course of a special season.

BYU Score Second Upset of Season: BYU coming off an overtime victory against Tennessee, welcomed the USC Trojans to Provo this week. USC was also coming off a victory against Stanford, which vaulted them into the top 25. This game was an incredible back and forth duel where neither team seemed to show any signs of letting the other come away with the victory. The game would eventually go to overtime, making this the second consecutive OT game for the Cougars. The Cougars would open the OT period by making a 43 yard field goal, meaning if the Trojans could muster a touchdown it would escape with a victory. It was not meant to be though as BYU was able to intercept a pass and ice the game, scoring a huge upset victory. The Cougars welcome in Washington to Provo next week hoping to score a 3rd victory over a Power 5 programs and a 2nd consecutive victory over a PAC 12 team.

Kansas Ends Long Streak: Kansas has long being mired by mediocrity, achieving very little success in recent history or as a program in general. Les Miles was hired to be the head man in Lawrence, with the hope that maybe he could bring the success he was able to have at LSU to the Jayhawks. After last week’s loss to Coastal Carolina it seemed like things were going to pretty much stay the same. This week the Jayhawks would go on the road to play Boston College. Entering this road game, they had not won on the road against a Power 5 program in 48 straight tries. That streak spread over nearly 11 years. After Boston College jumped out 17-7 lead heading into the second quarter, it looked as if the streak was on its way to continuing. The Jayhawks though would go on to outscore the Eagles 41-7 the rest of the way to grab the 48-24 victory and end their historic skid. I won’t go as far to say that Miles has them turned around but if he and the team can build from this victory they can at least be competitive in what is a tough Big 12 this season.

Maryland Falters After Big Victory: One of my takes last week had to do with the Maryland Terrapins and them finding consistency after scoring huge early season victories. The previous two seasons they had beaten Texas in the first game, only to end both respective seasons with a losing record. After last week’s upset victory over Syracuse though, the Terrapins were hoping to keep momentum going against Temple. Temple, who actually defeated Maryland last season, always plays incredibly well on defense and were hoping that they could stop the buzzsaw that had been Maryland’s offense through the first two games. Defense did end up being the deciding factor in the game, which ultimately favored the Owls. They were able to stop the Terrapins on the goal line to end the game and come away with the 20-17 victory, thus putting Maryland at 2-1 for the 3rd straight season heading into conference play. I think this Maryland team has a little bit more juice than the previous teams had, but with a difficult Big Ten schedule ahead of them they need to right the ship quickly if they want to avoid the late season collapses that have plagued them recently.

SCOTT:

A warm-up for Athens: Yes, I know you shouldn’t take much into Notre Dame’s 66-14 win over New Mexico in the home opener Saturday. Ian Book threw 4 TD and the defense looked awesome. But…it’s New Mexico. Looks nice on paper, but it’s not Georgia. This coming Saturday, between the Hedges in prime time…the Irish face their first real test. Probably the biggest non-conference game in Sanford Stadium since Herschel’s days.

Orange demon exorcised: As awesome as the defending champion Clemson Tigers have looked in recent years, one team that always gave them fits was Syracuse. The Orange beat Clemson two years ago on a Friday night at the Dome and last year made things uncomfortable in Death Valley. Back at the Dome Saturday, the Tigers said “Enough of this shit.” Trevor Lawrence shook off a couple picks to throw 3 TD and rush for another in a 41-6 Clemson win. Clemson hops out of conference this Saturday for what seems like a scrimmage against Charlotte.

Utes in the Top 10: It’s been a few years since Utah has gotten some national press, but they’re now #10 in the country after Saturday’s 31-0 win over Idaho State. Tyler Huntley had 282 yards and 3 TD and Zach Moss had 106 on the ground with a score. Utah is 3-0 and poised to make waves in the Pac-12. That starts Saturday with their first conference game at wounded USC.

Hello…defenses anybody? This is a quick observation, but here were some point totals of top 25 teams on Saturday: 47, 55, 65, 48, 51, 66, 55. I know a lot of games were mismatches, but geez…DEFENSE???

Academies Update: Army rebounded from that gut-punching loss to Michigan with a 31-13 win over Texas-San Antonio to move to 2-1. Navy looked strong in a 42-10 win over East Carolina to move to 2-0. Air Force is also 2-0 after an exciting 30-23 OT win in Boulder against Colorado. This week Army is home to Morgan State, Navy has a bye and Air Force has another huge road game at #20 Boise State on the Smurf Turf.

After a week of unexciting matchups around the country, we definitely get some fun Top 25 wars, culminating with a battle in Athens. Here’s the schedule:

Friday 9pm: #10 Utah at USC

Noon: #11 Michigan at #13 Wisconsin

3:30pm: #8 Auburn at #17 Texas A&M

8pm: #7 Notre Dame at #3 Georgia

#IFTTT #Place to Be Nation

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flauntpage · 6 years

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Eight Is Enough! Five Takeaways from Penguins 5, Flyers 4

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There’s nothing left to say.

Seriously. Until this Flyers team makes the changes it needs to make, watching them play is going to be torture.

It’s like being tied to a chair and forced to watch the same rerun of a bad 1980s sitcom repeatedly.

You know, one episode of Charles in Charge was enough for a lifetime, but watching the same episode over and over again is sadistic.

For the last eight games, and for 16 of the 24 games played so far this season, that’s what it’s been like watching the Flyers.

They have lost two-thirds of their games, which is pretty dreadful. And nothing ticks me off like broadcasters being forced to call this eight-game losing streak something other than what it is.

While technically correct, this isn’t an eight-game losing streak. That would suggest there was a result in there that while it wasn’t a win, also was not a loss (namely, a tie). But since those don’t exist and the ultimate option in an NHL game is to win it or lose it, then what we have here is a losing streak.

But it is exactly this mentality that permeates throughout this organization right now. Sanitize everything. Make everything seem better than it really is.

Hey – they’ve gotten at least one point in eight of their last 11 games.

I’m pretty sure after the abuse he took for mentioning points in 7-of-10 games following the most recent loss to the New York Islanders, Dave Hakstol wasn’t going to go that route again following last night’s loss to Pittsburgh, but, instead he gave us this:

“We have to finish one of these. There’s nothing more to be said. Night after night we are in position and we were again tonight.”

Yep. That simple. Just finish, boys.

It made me want to highlight two of my favorite tweets from the night:

Live look in at Hakstol now. http://pic.twitter.com/eU4X5zLWqM

— Rich Lee (@RichLeeNamed) November 28, 2017

@AntSanPhilly @RealGlenMacnow #Flyers get a point!! So that’s 8 points in 11 games? Right Coach?? http://pic.twitter.com/YU16sIp62A

— Earl Sullivan (@esull9) November 28, 2017

And yes, they were sent to me almost simultaneously.

Hakstol’s quote would be fine if the Flyers had only lost say three straight, all in overtime. Problem is, when you blow your fifth two-goal lead of the season – and fourth on this eight-game losing streak – it’s not just about not finishing, it’s about not doing a lot of things – not protecting a lead, not taking dumb penalties, not sitting back and letting the other team take it to you.

But I’ve said all this before. It’s as if these Takeaways are on perennial repeat.

And the longer it goes without change, the more damning it is, not just for a coach, who is overmatched at this level, but for the general manager and the entire organization.

I texted with someone I became close with while working for the Flyers who still works there. Part of our exchange was this person saying, “It’s ugly right now…. things aren’t quite the same around here these days.”

That last part was referencing an interjection by me where I indicated the likes of Ed Snider or Bob Clarke would never have accepted this kind of repetitive failure.

Alas, this is the new hockey world in which we live and in which the Flyers are a doormat or an afterthought after generations of being one of the game’s elite franchises.

Sad.

To the takeaways… I guess.

1) Finding ways to lose

As I mentioned, it was another blown two-goal lead. This time, the Flyers actually gave up the lead in a span of 39 seconds, and then after retaking the lead, gave up a tying goal to force overtime in the final minute or so of the third period. And, after that, made a panic play that gave Pittsburgh a power play in OT and, well, Sidney Crosby took it from there.

These things can’t happen repeatedly.

It’s a sign of a team with zero confidence and with no gameplan to stem the tide.

Looking at advanced stats last night, the Penguins were obviously the better team, with a Corsi For percentage of 59.22, which is pretty high.

But look at the game flow and pay particular attention to the third period:

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That’s a spike that you don’t normally see in a game anywhere. It’s what we call an outlier. The Penguins Corsi For percentage in the third period was 80%.

That’s not a typo. It was 80%. That means that off all the shots attempted in the third period, the Pens were responsible for 80% of them.

It’s an absurd number and indicative of the fact that the Flyers had no answers – zero – for what the Penguins were doing.

They were in survival mode, and although they almost pulled it off, they didn’t. They can tell you they weren’t trying to sit back, but if not, then it’s not certain what they were trying to do.

Nor am I sure what Hakstol was doing with his line matchups at the end of the game.

After Michael Raffl gave the Flyers a 4-3 lead (more on that later), Hakstol curiously turned to a line of Dale Weise, Nolan Patrick and Wayne Simmonds and a defensive pairing of Brandon Manning and Shayne Gostisbehere to protect his one-goal lead in the final minutes.

Not many of the Flyers were positive players when you look at their Corsi For Relative percentage (CFRel%), but they did have some guys on the plus side of the ledger – seven skaters in fact.

However, none of those five guys were on that list. As a matter of fact, not only were they not on the list, but Manning (-13.56) was second worst in the game, Patrick (-11.39) was fourth-worst, Simmonds (-7.57) was sixth worst and Weise (-6.57) was seventh worst. Only Ghost was palatable (-1.51), and even he was still negative.

This group was caught in their own end for the better part of two minutes, couldn’t get the puck out of the zone, and the Penguins created several great chances before Brian Elliott made a flashy glove save on Crosby to finally allow the Flyers to make a change.

However, the faceoff was in the Flyers’ end. They lost the draw and seconds later the score was tied.

Hakstol HAS to know that combination of players isn’t the kind you want out there protecting a lead.

If he doesn’t… then Houston we have a problem.

2) Bad Coaching, Bad veterans

Not only did Hakstol’s decision with that line create a self-inflicted conundrum, but so did a couple other decisions he made.

First was re-inserting Jori Lehtera and Weise into the lineup in place of Taylor Leier and Jordan Weal.

Weal has not played well of late, and his ice time and role was diminishing considerably over the last several games. You could see it coming – heck I did here in takeaway No. 3 from last Wednesday’s game.

But, Leier scored against the Islanders. He has provided good jump and energy on the fourth line. He has the ability to skate with a fast team like Pittsburgh that neither Weise nor Lehtera do.

I’d rather the Flyers keep Leier in the lineup, waive one of those veterans, and call up Mike Vecchione and give him a shot on the fourth line. He has to be better than Lethtera right? Lehtera played all of 7:31 in the game and was a third-worst-on-the-team -11.45% in CFRel%.

I get that Weal needs to find his game, but that doesn’t mean Hakstol has to slog the lineup with veteran players who can’t play.

Part of this is on the GM, too. He has to recognize that what he’s giving the coach to work with is substandard.

Trusting the veterans is not always the right option either. He mentioned a veteran reward of sorts for Manning being on the ice in overtime in Friday’s loss to the Islanders.

Trotting out a more veteran lineup didn’t work against Pittsburgh either.

The mistakes that are costing the team are rarely being committed by rookies. It’s veterans making them.

It was Gostisbehere who abandoned his player in overtime in the loss in New York. It was Jake Voracek who committed the same sin in the OT loss to the Isles in Philly.

Voracek then made the panic clear for the delay of game penalty that gave the Penguins the overtime power play yesterday.

Claude Giroux made an error that led to the game-winner in the OT loss to Calgary.

If the guys you are counting on to provide veteran leadership are making the self-inflicted wounds, then why is it that the notion of more veterans in the lineup will equate to improved play?

It doesn’t. It’s a fallacy. At this point, I’d rather see the Flyers lose with the youngsters on the ice than with the same mistakes from players who have been in the league for years.

Another coaching blunder occurred with Hakstol once again misusing his challenge.

After a goal by Patric Hornqvist went to the replay official and was allowed, Hakstol decided to challenge if it was goaltender interference. It wasn’t. Frankly, it wasn’t even that close. But even if you want to argue that it’s 50/50, is it worth burning the challenge there and not saving it for a more critical moment in the game?

Instead, on Jake Guentzel’s tying goal at the end of the third period, one which goalie Brian Elliott thought he was interfered with, Hakstol couldn’t challenge because he had already burned it.

I don’t know what his challenge record is, but just quick memory suggests it isn’t good – and it’s likely hurt the team a couple times.

3) Best five goals allowed performance ever?

I’m being a little facetious here. But Elliott was under fire all night. He made a career-high 47 saves as he personally tried to will the Flyers to victory.

With the exception of the first goal of the game by Guentzel, where he may have been off his angle slightly and got beaten over the waffle pad, Elliott was sensational.

All of the other Penguins goals were on crazy bounces or redirects.

Hornqvist kicked the puck, and then hit it twice in mid-air before it popped over Elliott.

Bryan Rust scored on a breakaway after Elliott originally stoned him, the puck took a crazy hop back off Rust’s stick shaft and fluttered over Elliott to tie the score.

Guentzel’s tying goal went in off his glove and he likely interfered with Elliott on the play. and Crosby’s game-winner was a redirect of a Kris Letang shot.

In between, Elliott saved the Flyers bacon more than once.

He is the most hard-luck goalie in his last seven starts and one relief appearance, having gone 0-2-5. And yet, in those eight games, he has arguably been the Flyers best player.

4) Raffl rolling

Raffl is one guy who has looked pretty good for the Flyers in this horrible stretch. He gave the Flyers what appeared to be the game-winning goal before all went to hell in the final minutes.

And it was a thing of beauty:

Raffl steals the puck and powers past Kessel for a gorgeous goal! http://pic.twitter.com/RN9IC762NO

— Sons of Penn (@SonsofPenn) November 28, 2017

Raffl is a max effort player, which is why he was still being counted on even without any points through the first 21 games of the season. He also had an assist last night, and now has three points in his last three games.

Maybe Steve Coates was right, he just needed one and then they’d start coming in bunches.

He’s one of the few Flyers who is playing a well-rounded game right now

5) Loose Pucks

The Flyers have been outscored 14-2 in the third period and overtime during this eight-game losing streak – more evidence that the system is broken.

Sean Couturier scored this goal:

Coots makes it 3-1 with an assist from Provorov's skate after a Penguins turnover in their own zone. http://pic.twitter.com/c2GhH20tFO

— Chris Jastrzembski (@CFJastrzembski) November 28, 2017

That makes 14 goals this season for Couturier. The most he’s ever scored in a full season is 15. He could match that tonight while it’s still November. I’m not sure there’s been a better two-way forward in the NHL over the season’s first two months than Couturier.

Andrew MacDonald returned to the lineup as the Flyers sent Samuel Morin back to the Lehigh Valley Phantoms in the AHL. While I would have kept Morin here and waived both Weise and Lehtera and made Manning the No. 7 defenseman, I don;t look at this as the Flyers playing MacDonald over a rookie. It wasn’t the best game to have MacDonald try to get back up to speed – against on e of the league’s fastest teams. MacDonald looked a step behind, took a penalty that led to a Pittsburgh goal and had a couple of turnovers that were covered by good goaltending by Elliott. MacDonald will be fine – especially playing with Ivan Provorov – but this was certainly not a great game for him.

I’m not convinced Hakstol goes back to Michal Neuvirth in goal tonight even though it’s a back-to-back and Elliott faced a ton of shots last night. I just think that with as well as Elliott’s played, as much of an enigma as Neuvirth’s been and with three days off after tonight, that Elliott just might get the nod again.

Eight Is Enough! Five Takeaways from Penguins 5, Flyers 4 published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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