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arpparently · 4 years

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Quick rant into the faceless, technically public facing void because there’s noone else to talk to at 4 AM. I need to have these things verbalized somewhere because I’ve been avoiding thinking about it for so long. I need these thoughts to solidify and be real and affect me.

I missed all my classes the week following spring break. For some of my classes, such as all of my sociology major classes, I’ve been skipping for even longer because I’ve been overwhelmed thinking about the work I have for those classes, or I didn’t do the homework so therefore I shouldn’t show up for class, ad nauseum, for almost a month now.

My Sociology of Work class, I’ve missed the midterm and most of the class assignments for the past three weeks. It weighs heavily on my mind, and I avoid thinking about it whenever possible in order to function.

My Research Methods class is terribly boring but I’m doing my research thesis proposal for that class. That part is fun, but just very grindy and I haven’t been keeping up with the work.

My minors, CompSci and Japanese, I’ve had A’s in and have done all the work up until this past week, when I collapsed and got overwhelmed. Honestly, I was having so much fun with how straightforward and interesting these class’s content was that I was using them as distractions from my major Sociology classes. That was a bad habit.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard to learn all of my class material the right way, though, and that’s so much easier with Compsci and Japanese than with Sociology. Japanese learning has been grammar, vocab and nuance. Compsci has been syntax and coding and tricks. All such fun. Sociology encompasses what I want to do with my life, with my future, it encompasses how I should think about everything, my identity building, politics, everything I see that is right and wrong with the world. Sociology affects my beliefs, my philosophy. Readings in sociology are incorporated and negotiated with my existing beliefs. When I don’t have the mental bandwidth to consider those things, I end up ignoring both my personal knowledge development AND the associated class. Maybe that was a mistake, of sorts, but it seems like such the right thing to do. Everything I learn in Sociology is so IMPORTANT, and that’s why I want to put so much effort in that classwork, and why it’s the first set of classes I falter in when I don’t have the capacity to put forth that effort. I care so much. I want other people to care so much.

Already being overwhelmed, my head space was also being taking up by the Democratic primaries. Biden winning so many delegates, man, that made me despair. America is fucked.

And then the coronavirus situation. I was already overwhelmed for days on end, not getting out of bed, not eating, fucked up sleep schedule. The coronavirus, seeing all the spin on Twitter about Chinese government this and US government that, trying to negotiate that to find what’s right. Man, that took it out of me. Man, I was doubly mentally exhausted.

Now we have the transition to online classes. I have trouble dealing with change. When things are orderly, when I know what’s happening, when I have everything set and my foundation of sleep/food/schedule is set and I don’t have to make as many useless decisions that drain me of mental stamina, I work well. Change makes me question myself every decision and micro-decision I make. Deciding what I need to eat for breakfast can ruin me, because if I don’t eat soon or eat the right amount or eat enough protein or have to take a bath soon or etc.... I mentally bankrupt myself into decision paralysis. I need consistency to function on my bad days. I haven’t been functioning.

These are the thoughts that have been consuming me and draining me and plaguing me for the past month. I’ve been so, so stuck in mental feedback loops, decision paralysis, anxiety and avoidance, and mental bargaining. I was, what I personally call, braindead. I wasn’t making any decisions, and I couldn’t. I was not present for myself. Please, please, I was thinking. Please what? I didn’t know. I couldn’t figure that out.

Being overwhelmed sucks. My schedules all get fucked. I run out of food and self-starve. I can’t take medication because I can’t eat. My sleep schedule inverts because the night time has less noise. I hide away from all my obligations. I avoid. And I tell noone, because noone understands, and going to the psychiatrist won’t snap me out of it.

But I’m awake right now. I have food. I have my medications. I have the mental wherewithal to figure out what I need to do. I’m not braindead, and I have enough of a start that I can figure out my path forward. I can untangle the ball of impossibly tangled strings that is my life. Breathe in, breathe out, one step at a time. It’s tedious, but doable.

I’m on the rebound. I can navigate this. I’m here.

wooo.

#me

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