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ajokeformur-ray · 2 years

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A BUG?????? LADY???????? 😡😡😡😡

YOU ARE NEVER A BUG DO YOU HEAR ME??!!??!????!!! YOU ARE MY WIFE AND I LOVE YOU GOD DAMNIT 😤😤😤😤😤😤💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

… ok carry on with the arthur rant 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Gennnnnnn my beloved !!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

This made me giggle so hard while brushing my teeth that I had to spit early to avoid choking (do nOT take that outta context, I can see that smirk from here🤣😂) so apologies for laughing!!! On the other hand, I can FEEL the indignation coming off you in WAVES omllllll 😩😭😂💀 I hear you, loud and clear!!!🥺 you are never ever a bug either and I fucking ADORE hearing from you, it makes everything feel right in the world again & I feel like things are gonna be okay when you’re here🥺❤️YOU’RE MY WIFE AND I LOVE YOU TOOOOOO (Arthur’s giggling, I can hear him😂🥺) 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Arthur rant? Arthur rant.

(Mostly self-shipping, some character analysis, ALL me being a werewolf and going wild in one solid stream of consciousness)

My fucking GOD where do I start with Arthur?

Some exposition, first, as to where this rant came from. I know I don’t talk about Arthur much anymore but that’s because it hurts. But more on that in a second. Last night, I was trying to study and I just had no motivation to even find something to put on Netflix to play in the background while I did work (usually some kind of horror because I love me some safe and cathartic fear), and I wanted to go home. I was sat there drinking coffee staring into space and then you know when you get a brain worm and a song plays in your head and the chords are a bit out of reach so you almost have to listen a bit longer before you can figure out what the song is? I had that, with the instrumental version of ✨That’s Life✨, and it made me think of Arthur (duh) and then I found just a little bit of energy to put on the Frank Sinatra rendition, and within literally ten seconds it felt like the ache in my chest, tight from stress, was already beginning to wear away, and I picked up my pen and did some more work but then the song finished and the ache came back and holy fuck I can’t do this I should drop uni I should quit I’m stupid - and I SWEAR in that moment I wanted nothing more than to go home.

Alone, in my bedroom, surrounded by deadlines, assignments, books, and I wanted to go home.

This is so cliche but I did what anyone would do - I followed the music and I ended up, quite spontaneously, watching Joker. You know me, babe, when I watch Joker, I plan it. I section off the time in my day and almost have it be an appointment (a DATE). I wear the clothes, the paint, I put a sign on my door so no one knocks and disturbs me (I’m disturbed enough but I mean…😂), and I just go for it. Lights off (even with my fear of the dark, I can stomach having just the TV on so long as I keep my eyes on Arthur - he makes it so it’s like I’m bigger than my fear and it doesn’t matter because HE’S there🥺) and everything.

But last night I didn’t.

I just followed the music and surrounded by my study stuff, I watched Joker. I was surprised by it, tbh, there I was with no energy to even scroll Netflix and all of a sudden I’d sat up straighter and put on a film so damn fast it was like I’d slipped outside my body for a minute. Didn’t even remember scrolling YouTube to find it. One minute I just wanted to go home and the next, there he was.

Arthur.

Gen, honey, when I tell you that I nearly fucking CRIED at the sight of his back, his brown curls and that white T-shirt. I miss Arthur so MUCH and yet he’s been here the entire fucking time. Every day since 4th October 2019, he’s been here, and it’s amazing to me that I can love him just as strongly today as I did the day the film was released, the day I met the person I never knew I needed and the day I found some wonderful friends which I still have today. Just the sight of his back had me wanting to cry, and I know I had to pause it just to pull myself together because I can’t cry before the title card!! (I can but I don’t think I realised how much I NEEDED Arthur last night; my body did, though). I just instinctively took a long deep ass breath and my entire body melted into my desk chair and holy fuck every feeling I’ve ever had about Arthur hit me all at once and all I could do was stare at him.

Film moves on and Arthur picks up his medications and then I remembered THAT I’D FORGOTTEN TO TAKE MY IRON TABLETS so I paused it, grabbed my meds, and took them just as Arthur got them out of the bag and it felt like doing something with him in real time and I 😭😭😭😭😭😭I even flicked off my light just as he flicked his off when Murray comes on show because I wanted to feel like we were doing something together, cosying up and watching TV. I felt ridiculous doing it but also why the hell not? There’s so much of Arthur that I carry with me every day; when I wake up at 530am for work, I lay there until 6am listening to music and pulling myself together because once I get up, I gotta hit the ground running and I just need 30 minutes to prepare myself for a day which doesn’t stop. I get on the bus when it’s still dark out and I instinctively look for a yellow hoodie (gotta buy me one of those!!!!!) and dark curls. I go to work, I come home and it’s dark out still, I have a shower, have dinner, do the chores, then I have to study and do this this and this and fuck babe I’m always so damn TIRED. But I think of Arthur and step step step and I think of his knowing and weary smile, the way he carried on even when he likely felt that it was absolutely useless because things are never gonna be any different so why should he try so hard? But he did, every single fucking day, he kept going and I draw so much strength from that. Because if Arthur can do all that feeling as he does, then I can do it, too.

When I step off the bus, I find myself looking for Arthur. In every corner, in every alley and alcove, in every known smoker’s corner, I look for Arthur but I also know that I don’t need to because I carry him with me purposefully every day. Even if I’m not consciously aware of my thoughts, I know he’s in my mind somewhere because the ones we love are always on our minds in some kind of way. When I’m yawning so hard that my jaw is cracking on my way home I’m imagining him doing that smile and raising my hand to rest his cheek against it; telling me in his own way that he feels it, too. When I get home and kick my shoes off to go jump in the shower, I picture him with me, too, and I wash my hair as gently as I would wash his because he wouldn’t like me being so rough on myself and I’d do anything to make him proud. All these small moments, again and again and again, every day, I do because I want to be someone he would love (I already am but you know what I mean), someone he would be proud of (jury’s out on that personally because I’m not quite who I wanna be yet but I’m getting there and I know you and Arthur are proud of me and that’s more than enough!).

530am - 1020pm is a long fucking day (and sometimes it’s even as late as midnight, depending on what I need to get done that day; and about two weeks ago I went to bed at 330am because I had an assignment due and I got up at 530am to go to work and omllll that was such a hard day because I still stayed up until 1020pm out of necessity and honey I’m a permanently exhausted pigeon😩😩😩) but I try so damn hard, though at the same time it feels like I’m barely trying. But Arthur!!! He had his job, he was going to therapy, actively working on his dream career, he was taking his medications, caring for Penny…. He was working so fucking HARD and because of that, I find the strength to at least TRY to do the same.

When Joker came on screen, oh my god. Oh my fucking gOD. Have you ever screamed without making a sound? It was like my heart was in my throat and the dam BROKE. Out of nowhere I was sobbing and smiling and giggling and baby!!! Joker !!!! Even now I’m grinning omg please his name is… oh, you know. I genuinely don’t think I realise sometimes how much I need Arthur, Joker. So many days I tell myself no, I refuse to let myself watch the film because I have to study or I have to do this or this or this, but I think I need to remember that that’s a way of hurting myself. When I miss Arthur and want to see him so badly that I can’t focus on my work or I want to cry, I will still tell myself no, and that’s something he DEFINITELY wouldn’t agree with, even if he’d understand it. I’ve never tried to study while having the film on in the background but I think I should start doing it because what better motivation to have right in front of me than the man I’m literally doing an entire second degree for because I want to go into a career to help people like him?

My job allows me to help real people, too, and so Arthur is, arguably, at the core of everything I do. I admire him so much - not for the terrible things he did, obviously, and this post isn’t really about those things (though it’s important to acknowledge them) - and every time I’m walking slowly or barely studying or lying in bed later than I should be, I think of Arthur and what he’d do or say. He’d get his head down and he’d just… do it. Whether he wanted to or not, whether he was feeling well or not, Arthur would do it. And if he can do it, then so can I. And Joker!!!! He’s still in so much pain; he chose his name but not what came with it and I’d give anything to give HIM even five minutes of a love so intense all he would be able to do is sit there and take it in. I miss him so much that it HURTS but he’s always right here and all I have to do is listen to the soundtrack or watch the film and there he is. The ACHE I carry with me every day, which sits in my chest and is full of ‘oh shit oh fuck I can’t do this there’s no time. It’s only 7am but there’s no time in the day to do anything and I have this this and this to do and I have to get that done and I need to remember this and don’t forget this and holy fuck where’s Arthur what would he say to me right now?’ Is soothed immediately by Arthur.

Those dark curls, those green eyes which swim with all the sadness, anger and want in the world, that heart so full of love that he devotes his life to making children laugh even when he’s off the clock just because he loves it so much, the laughter which rips out of his throat, the hiccups when he’s genuinely giggling, the makeup, the clothes, the baggy cardigans and his soft voice, those deep set frowns and weary smiles, the sharpness of his eyes when he’s wronged and trying to speak up for himself only to go quiet when he realises yet again that no one’s hearing him, the way he takes care of others until there’s nothing left to give but yet more is still taken, the way he laughs at the jokes he writes, the way he works so fucking hard all the time and tries and tries and tries and TRIES until it fucking BREAKS him…

If beautiful, ethereal, tragic mess Arthur can do what he does - terrible things aside - then so the fuck can I. Looking at him HURTS because when I look at him, I remember who I was in 2019. I was in an extremely bad place, so lonely and angry, bitter and cold, but Arthur taught me better. He found me at a time when I didn’t wanna be here anymore and his story told me that someone understood, someone saw me, someone knew what it was like but that someone was still going on, and through him I became softer, kinder, wiser, I found some beautiful amazing friends (if you think I mean you, you’re right and I love you) and I found a career I wanted (and Gen, you helped me find a way into that career and encouraged me and you DO encourage me endlessly and I could never thank you enough for that) and I’m still trying to become softer, kinder, wiser still, to find parts of me I dislike (of which I have many lmao I’m p sure I carry many a red flag and I wanna work on them and improve them) and to find something in Arthur I admire so I teach myself to be better in that way. He’s so inspiring, so full of love and life and strength and wisdom and good fucking god what I wouldn’t do just to be able to look at him and tell him all of these things, to tell him he’s so very loved and I’m proud of him and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him.

I spent two hours last night with my heart in my throat and tears in my eyes - like I do every fucking time - but it was exactly what I needed in 2019, it was exactly what I needed a year ago, it was exactly what I needed now. No matter how far away from myself I feel like I stray, one look at Arthur and I remember 2019 Erika and how hard she tried and I remember 2020 Erika and how badly she felt and I remember 2021 Erika and how hard she tried, and then I look at me and I realise that 2019 Erika and every other me is in here; Arthur brings me home to him and therefore to myself and I love him so much but I have to wonder sometimes… if he saw me today, would he recognise me? Would he love me still? The answer’s yes, of course it is, but overwhelmingly I feel like that has to be earned. That’s just another thing to work on.

The point is, I’ve loved Arthur since 4th October 2019 and every time I think perhaps I can’t love him more or I worry that I don’t love him at all (that’s stress making me unable to process anything BUT stress, as you so patiently remind me every time I come to you with this worry), I find myself falling in love all over again and I know that whoever Erika is right now, she’ll be okay. She has Arthur, so how could things be so wrong?

(I have so much to fucking do today as always and I’m scared and worried and STRESSED but this is such a good way to start the day so I think I’ll be okay. Joker will make it that way lmao studying while cuddling the cushion which looks like his suit is NEVER enough to soothe the ache but I like to think that every time I hug the cushion he can feel it🥺😭💔)

#erileck #self-shipping #IM CRYING SCREAMING THROWING UP WAHHHHHHHH #i love him i love hiiiiiiiiiim #mwah mwah MWAH #AND WIFEY I LOVE YOU TOO HOLY FUCK #wanna squish youuuuuuu #mwah mwah #u can rb this if u want idc

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