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crazykendal · 7 years

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This is too long

Why did you close the door the last time you closed one? so no little kids would rampage in Stripes or polka dots? stripes Do you care if people touch you when they’re talking to you? depends on who What is your gender? female Do you think that people think its obvious? i sure hope so haha

How long did your first date last? 0 seconds ;) Is your favorite color within 10 feet of you? yes Highlight of your day? my old friend came over Would you rather be on a boat or a plane? dood no boats those scare the f outta me, but ive never been on a plane Can you tell when girls (or guys) have eyeliner on? yes. Can you cook?

yikes uh.. nope How high is your ceiling? i believe 35 feet im some parts of the house Whats the worst job you can think of? honestly idk Do you swear a lot? what the fuck are you talking about Does the last person you texted have an O in their name? HA no Is everything working in your house? i dont think so Would you rather have a pool or a trampoline? pool. Does pop give you energy? no..? TV show you love with a passion? the walking dead, and ive been watching the 100, but i love twd a lot more Do you think you learned anything from the worst night of your life? yeah, im a fucking prick/dick head

Perfect age to get married? who the fuck knows

Is it safe to say you own over 20 pairs of shoes? i own 3 or maybe 5.. i think Name a career path that women are known for taking. doctors?? idk Favorite type of cookie? chocolate chip, i can never make them because i always come close to burning the house down A quality you look for in choosing a significant other? if anyone can understand me im good What would I find if I looked in your pocket? no pockets What was your first word? yo wassup my homies. (I say that too much, but I have no idea) A musical instrument you wouldnt mind learning how to play? DRUMSSS Last time you went to 7-eleven? months ago A fast food restaurant that you hate with a passion? I kinda hate most of them equally Does everyone in your family have a job? yeah Going anywhere this weekend? im going to a legally blonde musical Is your room ever clean? yeah but usually never What does it mean when youre being quiet? im mad Last person you had a face to face conversation with? my cat Wheres your phone? dude idk ive been grounded for 2 weeks ahahahah Do you know the difference between your and you’re? yes i aint no dumb bitch How late did you stay up last night? 10 pm Anyone youre ready to kill? oh hell yeah Do you need to get a tan? yes What do you want? money and love Favorite TV show as a kid? dood idk

Whats a show that you absolutely refuse to watch? Strangers Things How many times have you been in love? once Go camping or go to a party? camping Do you remember how old you were when you started swearing? maybe when I was 12 How many years older than you would you date someone? I would like to date anyone in my grade, nothing over or less What was the last thing you pinky swore on? I dont swear to anything, ever, unless i care about the person usually more than my self Would you consider yourself a nice person? no. why is this even a question Are there a lot of mirrors in your house? a lot more than I think there should be Has there ever been a serial killer in your house? I sure hope not

Do you know anyone who looks like Adam Sandler? no True or false: Glee is annoying. true, ive never watched it but I know its annoying Last thing you cooked? grilled cheese Do you use slang often? maybe Wear glasses? yes hahahaha

About how old was the last person that hit on you? well.. no one has ever hit on me OH wait I cant say (this one girl maybe I don't her well oh god) What color are your headphones? black and red BLUETOOTH BITCHES Would you make a good teacher? Why? I would rather be some sort of leader than teacher Dont you hate those commercials that try too hard? lol some commercials are my life, like the life alert commercials. HELP IVE FALLEN AND I CANT GET UP but yeah some over them are just to much Is the fan on? I have like a ton of fans on right now Any special reason why youre taking this survey? i have nothing better to do What does the last text message you sent say? i was telling my mom that my little sister was being a pain in the ass and that i wanted pizza hahaha

Your friend needs you to run to the store to get a pregnancy test. Do you? which friend? Friend #1, id ask her who she fucked and be really surprised. Friend #2 I wouldn't even have to ask. Friend #3 I would be shocked and possibly upset. But id get them for all of them hahahaha Do you log out on facebook when you leave the site? i dont use my Facebook What color are your underwear? white How short are your nails? short Do you like the opposite sex to be dominant or you the one in control? funny you ask that, id rather have the opposite sex dominant and id rather be dominant with same sex.. yep Favorite holiday? Christmas If I asked you to point to Ohio on a map of the US do you think you could? yeah You're locked in a room with spiders. Do you have an issue? spiders don't really bother me, depends on size tho Do you wear your most expensive item of clothing often? uhh Do you eat a lot of food? no THERE'S NO FOOD IN OUR HOUSE

Have your parents ever tried to control your relationship? well like a relationship relationship? maybe Have you ever had to give someone directions before? yes i forget everything but I know how to give directions like a mastermind Speaking of which, are you good at understanding driving directions? ive never driven before because im too little!! in two years i can tho hahah How many people do you text daily? usually none Do you play any instruments? Which instruments do you play? nothing Is there anyone who you call by their last name? no What did you do on your last birthday? I dont remember I think I had a sleepover tho Which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you commit the most? what Has anyone ever told you that you’re incapable of whispering? no What is your least favorite subject in school?

math and science Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? depends Do you know a couple who constantly sucks on each other’s face? what the actual fuck When was the last time you watched a YouTube video? a few days ago Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before? no

When was the last time you held someone’s hand? does my cat count How many meals have you eaten today, so far? none and it’s 1:05 pm Do you think it’s stupid for people to call others “hot?” no because they might actually be hot hahaha Do you personally think Wikipedia is a reliable source? yeahhh? depends Have you ever shopped at Wet Seal before? Did you like it? wtf is that Do you care about spending money if it’s someone else’s money? yeah What is your favorite Disney movie of all time? dude I dont really like Disney movies so none When you were a child, did you ever want to become a wizard/witch? wtf no Would you rather have hardwood floors or carpet? i have both in my house Who was the last person you yelled at? Why? my little little sister As a kid, did you ever go to camp? no Have you ever made out in a movie theater before? no Are you currently trying to learn to play any instrument? no. When was the last time you went somewhere you thought was haunted? hmm a few months ago Who was the last person to compliment you? idk that was over a month ago How old were you when you got to go on your first date? never have and I bet I never will :( Would you call your parents over-protective or under-protective? over protective helpppp Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? what Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? chandler riggs or alycia debnam-carey? Are you the jealous type? yeah When was the last time you felt like you were high on life? when clarke and lexa had sex mwahahaha what Do you know someone who cares about themselves more than their child? yeah haha we have their kid now Do you still watch cartoons on television? no What do you usually order at Taco Bell, if you go there? i dont like taco bell Is there anyone currently annoying you? yes Do you have freckles? no :’( How many dogs do you have, if any at all? imaginary doggos Have you ever witnessed someone being beaten up? i couldn't say I witnessed someone being beat up I usually beat up things Do you think biting is weird or sexy? well it depends on who Would you rather be called hot or beautiful? hot but im neither hahaha Have you ever had a pet turtle before? yes Do you still sleep with your parents when you’re scared sometimes? no. Have you ever met someone with two different color eyes? nope. Have you ever felt like someone was following you? yeah

What color shirt are you wearing at the moment? white Do you enjoy going school shopping? sometimes Do you think Pug dogs are adorable or just plain ugly? I LOVE PUGS my grandpa has some and I love them so much Have you ever met someone who completely resembled their pet? haha ive never thought of that but maybe What was the worst substance you’ve spilled on yourself before? bleach Have you ever made out with more than one person in one night? no Do you think there is a soulmate out there for everyone? no defiantly not me

Do you like short or long surveys the best? long Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? no Are your siblings nice the majority of the time? depends on who Do you freak out when a thunderstorm comes along? no i live for thunderstorms How often do you shower? every other day Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? maybe How many sodas do you usually drink in one day? sometimes one but usually never Have you ever met someone who was completely weird all-around? yes shes a good friend of mine Do you ever watch any soap operas? i have no idea what that is Have you ever met someone who was mean to everyone? yes. (me) thats not trueee though <3 Do you usually have a low tolerance for pain or high tolerance? I dont care whenever I get injured Would you rather eat or sleep? i dont care Are you one of those die hard Twilight or Harry Potter fans? no just no

Do your parents ever force you to talk to your grandparents? I have one grandpa and a step grandma and I dont really know her that much but I never really see them Do you think long surveys are boring or entertaining? it depends on the questions. Have you ever learned that someone had lied to you all along? i feel like someone has been lying to me but I dont know if its true or not Have you ever wanted to be a lawyer? no. Have you ever had to bail someone out of jail before? no. Is there anyone in your immediate family who was adopted? yeah Do you know anyone who doesn’t have any common sense? yes my same weird friend, oh and me :) When was the last time you bought something? Monday Do you think you look anything like your parents? kinda What are your plans for this weekend? i answered this What color is your significant other’s hair? Chandler Riggs and Alycia Debnam-Carey both have brown hair. Woah ive never thought about this but every single person ive ever crushed on was a brunette Have you ever applied for a job at Walmart before? no. Would you ever become a foster parent? id rather be a foster parent than give birth but I fucking hate kids (maybe that's why I hate myself) Are you ashamed of anyone in your family? yeah my cat Bub he attacks my other cats Would rather talk to someone on a landline or a cell phone? cell Has anyone ever given you a psychiatric assessment? no What is your favorite amusement park? i dont know Did you ever have braces? I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET THEM OFF THIS MONTH BUT NOOOOOO What is cuter: kisses on the forehead of the cheek? i like both? why am I answering to this Do you believe in evolution or creation? evolution, there was never a god who created anything

Would you rather take a bath or a shower? Why or why not? shower, I dont have time for baths Does it bother you when people touch your personal items? depends. When was the last time you did something sexual? ..depends on what.. Do you collect anything? What? snapbacks Are you better at hand-drawing things or painting? I cant paint to save my life Have either of your parents ever called you a failure before? oh my god all the time! They tell me that more than compliments Have you ever suspected someone of cheating on you? no. When you get married, will you convert your last name? depends on who :) Are your parents divorced, married or separated? married Has someone ever left a relationship with you for someone else? no. What’s the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced? from december 5, 2002 all the way to today When was the last time you went shoe shopping? like 4 weeks ago Are you a part of any clubs at your school, if you still go to school? like in 7th grade CREATIVE WRITING CLUB oh man Do you know someone who wears a wig? no What is your best friend’s last name? nakamura. its my cat haru When was the last time you cried? For what reason? awhile ago because im a fucking baby, just because im going to a different school than a friend of mine who im going to tag mwahaha sucks to be you IM LOOKING BACK AT THIS ITS NOT TRUE IT WAS THE LEXA DEATH SCENE

What is your favorite shop to go to at the mall? forever 21 What time do you usually go to bed on the weekends? like 10 or 11 Have you ever considered suicide? not much? Have you ever been raped before? no. Would you ever consider becoming a marine biologist? no if i ever see those words again im going to fuck someone up. (my dad wants me to be one but im deathly afraid or the ocean) Did you carry a lunchbox as a child? yes. What is your favorite ‘sweet’ to eat? idk Are you someone who usually eats when you’re bored? no Have you ever eaten your way through a breakup? no. Who was the last person you texted? my mom Do you usually buy popcorn when you eat at the movie theater? yeah Did you sleep alone or with someone last night? alone. What kind of dressing do you eat on your salad, if any? none Are you someone who constantly likes to wear hats? no what are talking about im not wearing a hat at all Have you ever seen a Lifetime movie that relates to your life? what What is your Myspace URL? never had one Are you someone who likes to wear dresses more than pants? hahaha if i ever have to wear another dress again im going to kill myself Have you ever dated someone who was way overprotective of you? never fucking dated alright What was the last thing you touched besides your keyboard? my HAT When was the last time you witnessed a fist fight? never..? Do you know anyone who lives in the state of California? bitch I do

Are you waiting for a text right now? no Is it your summer vacation right now? yepp fucking kill me Do you like traveling? love it, more time I can listen to to musicccc What color are the walls of the room you’re in right now? dood i think grey, im looking now and its hard to tell Do you still make mix cds? no. Are you eating or drinking anything right now? no

Do you go to church regularly? no i dont believe in that stuff Who’s your best friend? haru Are you determined? yeahhh...

Are you always looking for/in a relationship, or do you like being single? id love to be in a relationship but i hate so many people and a ton of people hate me and I bet i never will Ever had your heart broken? yeah Even broken someone else’s heart? oh god yes Are you confident? not really When’s the last time you smiled? today. Are you tan? no

Any big plans for today/tonight? I want pizza What’s the background on your computer? oh I recently changed it to lexa and clarke from the 100 Do you have days where you just want to listen to sad songs? yeah Don’t you hate when your plans fall through? sometimes Ever maxed out a credit card? no How old are you? older than time itself Who’s the last person you kissed? my cat Are you hoping they will also be the next person you kiss? no Do you ever actually go on dates? no

Im going to tag @rottentulips because I finally found a really long question tag for her to do so you're welcome ;)

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burgermiester · 7 years

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Why Brom is the best Armored Unit in Radiant Dawn

First off, “best armored unit” is not the most auspicious title. Its pretty rare for a Fire Emblem game to have worthwhile armor knights. As a general rule, mounted units and fliers reach the enemies first and get the bulk of the kills/exp/functionality, unarmored foot units come next and get the scraps, and armor knights are left with the crumbs. Radiant Dawn is not an exception in this regard, for the most part. At least in Radiant Dawn there do exist chapters where your armor knights are useful because of “scenario” style chapters and occasional limited units to choose from. So instead of comparing the armors to each other in terms of stats and raw number of chapters they are available in, I think its more important to look at how many chapters they are in where they can contribute meaningfully and how much they do contribute, starting with the man of the hour:

Brom:

Brom has part 2. I could probably stop typing right here but I dont know when to quit so I will continue. 2-1 has only Brom, Nephenee, and Heather. Heather cant do much to most of the enemies on any difficulty, Nephenee cant really touch the enemy armors, including the boss, and on hard I dont even think she can do enough damage to feasibly take him on so that makes Brom your only option for the boss, and the best option to take on most enemies. That right there would be enough for me to call Brom the best armor in the game, because being the best unit in one chapter (and on hard being the only unit capable of beating the chapter)>being available but not worth using in a dozen others. But it doesnt end there, in 2-2 hes one of the most capable and certainly tankiest fighters and you will probably have him leading the march through the dark cave, and you especially will on the turns where Mordecai is untransformed. Lucia can get more kills but you have to be a bit cautious since a few lances or lucky other hits will put her down. Brom gets to actually be a tank and do it well in the situation where it makes the most sense to have a tank (in cramped fog of war.) Last, hes got 2-E. Now, theres lots of ways to cheese this map as well as take it head-on, but even the cheesy strats involve blocking one of the two sides with Brom. So hes not as crucial as in the other two chapters, but he still is absolutely contributing.

Meg:

Poor Meg. Shes got horrible bases, growths that clash with her class caps, and is stuck in the dawn brigade where shes competing with too many other growth units with too few exp to spread between them. The chapters where youd want an armor, 3-6, 3-12 and 3-13, dont really beg for you to train her since Nolan, Jill and even Aran if you are dying for a tank all get you through those chapters more easily (and shell probably not have the defense to really tank 3-6). I probably didnt even need to write this part, we all know ultimately unimpressive Meg’s combat capabilities are, even if it can be a lot of fun to use her for novelty’s sake.

Tauroneo:

Brom has 3 chapters he can really contribute in, while Tauroneo has only 2*, yet one of those chapters is 3-13, which for many is the hardest chapter in the game. That being said, like most defense chapters its very easy to beat it cheaply, so its hard for me to rate Tauroneo all that highly just for this chapter. But even if you are cheesing it you will probably want to use Tauroneo, so I would consider him contributing as much in 3-13 as Brom in 2-E, even if thats perhaps a bit too generous considering other units can be trained up to plug important gaps whereas Brom is in a more preset role so hes always going to be necessary for a gap or 2. In his only other chapter, 3-12, he unfortunately starts far on the left when youd want him on the right, and it takes a few turns for him to join the fight, although when hes there he kicks ass. But in any case, 3-12 can be beaten pretty much entirely by the ally units so any contributions are not that impressive.

*he can also contribute in the first map of 1-6, but you really want to be training Nolan and Jill and any other DB baby in part 1 so its a bit of a waste to let him get these easy kills, especially when its not that hard to beat the chapter without him.

Gatrie:

Finally, we have Gatrie. Hes the guy that I have little doubt gamefaqs guides and tierers in general will call the best armor knight in the game. And before I get to the real meat of Gatrie’s usefulness by my standards, I feel I must make a brief aside to address the general idea of usefulness and why Gatrie is cited as better than Brom, which is to say raw availability, bases and growths and starting level, and usable weapons/rank. Brom actually has one chapter of availability more than Gatrie, but for the most part they are nearly the same. Brom joins at level 2 and Gatrie 10, but in my experience using both sensibly and not giving either of them favoritism or anti-favoritism by the time they are in a party together Brom is close to level 10 and Gatrie to 13-15, so its not a big difference there, and if you look at their average stats on SF youll see its really not a big difference in stats at those levels, or indeed at any level. The only important stats Gatrie excels over Brom in is speed and strength, and its only by a point or two, so they are both doubling or not doubling or getting doubled by pretty much the exact same enemies. And in actual damage Brom will be outperforming Gatrie because hes using axes, which more than make up for the couple points of str to outperform Gatrie with his weaker lances. When taking all that into account I dont see either of them being significantly better than the other in a statoff, and since I still am saying that “how useful are they in the chapters where its worth using them?” is much more important than “how useful would they be if I forced myself to use them?” lets put this aside and go back to where Gatrie is uniquely useful.

So what does Gatrie do that only Gatrie can do? Well, hes got 2 chapters, 3-P and 3-1. In 3-1 Gatrie is fantastic. Its a small fog of war map with chokepoints and a time limit. Gatrie excels at heading up the left path through the grass towards the boss, especially with Shinon at his back shooting from behind and through the fence, giving the enemies the old thunder and lightning maneuver while the more mobile members of the GM sweep around to clear out the rest of the map. Its a bit like Brom’s contributions in 2-2 but I would say slightly better. In 2-2 Brom is great, but you could potentially take the dark very slowly with just Lucia or any other character of your choosing if you desired, but in 3-1 theres a time limit so its all hands on deck, everyone has to help and Gatrie has a convenient spot he excels at. Sadly, 3-P is not nearly as good for Gatrie. Its textbook armor knight curse map design. The enemies are all on one path, your more mobile units, in this case everyone else, will reach and kill enemies before Gatrie arrives. He might as well not even exist.

And speaking of might as well not even existing; the rest of the game. From 3-3 onward Brom and Gatrie have identical availability, and its really not worth using either of them. Just like 3-P, time and time again the poor armors just cant reach fighting before its over. 3-5 is a defense chapter where either of them might contribute but in the entire series 3-5 is perhaps the easiest defense chapter to play offensively, so thats not really an opportunity for them to be useful. Plenty of chapters have reinforcements from behind that they could potentially fight, but to the question “why not instead of using armors just keep training all high movement units who can either finish chapters before reinforcements become an issue or run back and kill reinforcements and return to the main fight quickly” there is no objective answer in favor of armor knights. If you were to ask yourself “I am determined to use one of the armor knights in every single chapter despite the fact that using no armor knight would be a better choice, so which one should I choose?” The answer might be Gatrie or it might be too close to call. If you were to ask yourself the much more practical question “which units should I use?” the answer in regards to this subject at least, is, “however many deployment slots you have, Brom and Gatrie are equally unworthy of filling them.” There are always better units to choose from than either of them. They are comrades in obsolescence.

The Very Short Version:

When it comes to a class thats overall not worth using like Armors in a game with as strange of a structure as Radiant Dawn, comparing their usefulness is about looking at where each of them is actually worth using and how well they perform. Meg has nothing, Tauroneo has two chapters where hes good, Gatrie has one chapter where hes great, and Brom has one chapter where hes good, one where hes great, and one where hes indispensable.

#fire emblem #brom #tellius #radiant dawn #demoiselledefortune

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lilixbetty-blog · 5 years

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Chapter 4 part 2 (pg9-11)

He shifts uncomfortably and puts his hand out to me. ‘It was a pleasure to meet you.’

‘Do you think there will be sparks?’ he asks quietly.

My eyes widen. I know there will be sparks because I’ve felt them already. His mocking injects some bravery into me and my petite hand lifts to meet his. And there they are again. Sparks. Not electricity firing off all over the cafe, causing us both to gasp or jump back in shock, but there’s something there, and instead of firing outward, it’s shooting inward, ricocheting all over my body, making my heart beat faster and my lips part. I don’t want to let go, but he flexes his palm, prompting me to release him.

Then he turns and strides out, without another word or look to suggest that he felt something too. Did he? What was that? Who is he? My palms rise to my cheeks and I rub furiously, trying to scrub some sensibility into me. I’m way too intrigued by him, and no amount of sightseeing or quilting with my grandmother is going to distract me from where my thoughts are wandering to, not after that brief but enlightening conversation. I’m getting into unknown territory – dangerous territory. After my years of avoiding all men, even the decent ones, I’m finding myself encouraging one who looks like he should definitely be left alone.

There’s a pull, though – a very powerful pull.

I’ve been away with the fairies all week. Every time the cafe door swings open, I look for him. But he’s never there. A dozen men over the last four days have asked me my name, my number, or they’ve told me what stunning eyes I have. And each one I’ve wished could be Jughead.

I’ve been busy churning out perfect coffee after perfect coffee, and I even waitressed at another posh function for Pop on Tuesday, hoping he’d be there. He wasn’t.

I’ve always tried to keep my life simple, but now I’m craving a complication – a tall, dark-haired, mysterious complication.

It’s Saturday, and Kevin has humoured me, tagging along for a walk through the Royal Parks. He knows there is something on my mind. He kicks a pile of leaves as we traipse down the middle of Green Park, towards Buckingham Palace. He wants to ask, and I know he won’t hold out for much longer. He’s made all of the conversation, while I’ve returned one-word answers. I’m not going to get away with it for much longer. I’m clearly absent in mind, and I could probably muster up the energy to feign my normal self, but I don’t think I want to. I think I want Kevin to press me so I can share Jughead with him.

‘I’ve met someone.’ The words fall from my mouth, breaking the comfortable silence between us. He looks shocked, which is okay because I’m quite shocked, too.

‘Who?’ he asks, pulling me to a stop.

‘I don’t know.’ I shrug, lowering my bum to the grass and picking at some of the blades. ‘He turned up at the cafe a few times and also at a gala ball where I waitressed.’

Kevin joins me, his handsome face morphing into a big grin. ‘Betty Cooper has been affected by a man?’

‘Yes, Betty Cooper has most definitely been affected by a man.’ It feels like such a relief to share my burden. ‘I can’t stop thinking about him,’ I admit.

‘Ah!’ Kevin throws his arms in the air. ‘Is he hot?’

‘Stupidly.’ I smile. ‘He has the most amazing eyes. As blue as the sky.’

‘I want to know everything,’ Kevin declares.

‘There’s nothing more to tell.’

‘Well, what did he say?’

‘He asked if I was involved with anyone.’ I try to sound casual, but I know what’s coming.

His eyes widen as he leans forward. ‘And you said?’

‘No.’

‘It’s happened!’ he sings. ‘Thank the fucking Lord, it’s finally happened!’

‘Kevin!’ I scold him, but I can’t help laughing too. He’s right; it has happened, and it’s happened hard.

‘Oh, Betty.’ He sits up straight, looking all serious. ‘You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this. I need to see him.’

I scoff, pushing my hair over my shoulder. ‘Well, that’s unlikely. He appears quickly and disappears faster.’

‘How old?’ The excitement on Kevin’s face is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I’ve made his day – probably his month, or even his year. He’s tried relentlessly to drag me out to bars, even willing to make them straight bars if it means I’ll tag along. Kevin has been in my life for eight years, just eight, although it could be forever. The ‘it’ boy at school, all of the girls swooned over him and he dated them all, but he had a little secret – a secret that saw him ostracised once it was discovered. The cool kid was gay. Or eighty per cent gay, as Kevin has always claimed. Finding him behind the bike sheds, beaten to a pulp by some of the college kids, was the beginning of our friendship.

‘I’m guessing late-twenties, but he seems older. You know, very mature. He always wears very expensive-looking suits.’

‘Perfect.’ He rubs his hands together. ‘Name?’

‘J.J,’ I say quietly.

‘“J.J”?’ Kevin’s face screws up into a disapproving frown. ‘Who is he? James Bond’s boss?’

A burst of laughter flies from my mouth, and I giggle to myself while my friend looks on, waiting for confirmation that my muse has a proper name. ‘He signed with J.J’

‘Signed?’ His confusion deepens, as does his scowl. I’m not sure if I should divulge this part.

‘He didn’t like my coffee and chose to let me know by writing it on a napkin. He signed it J.J, but I’ve since found out that his name is Jughead.’

‘Oooohhh, sexy but unique! But the cheek!’ He’s shocked, displaying a similar reaction to what I did, but then his face straightens and he narrows his eyes on me. ‘And how did that make you feel?’

‘Inadequate.’ I say the word without thought, and I don’t stop there. ‘Stupid, angry, irritated.’

Kevin’s smiling now. ‘He drew a reaction?’ he asks. ‘You got a little mad?’

‘Yes!’ I breathe, completely exasperated. ‘I was really pissed off.’

‘Oh my God! I already love him.’ He stands and puts his hand out to pull me up. ‘I bet he’s completely taken by you, like most men on God’s green earth.’

Accepting his offer, I let him pull me to my feet. ‘They’re not.’ I sigh, reflecting on the brief words that we exchanged; on one line in particular: I’m quite fascinated by you, as well.

Does fascinated equal attracted?

‘Trust me, they are.’

I’m suddenly eager to spit it all out and see what Kevin makes of it. ‘I was a millimetre away from his lips.’

Kevin inhales sharply. ‘What do you mean?’ His back straightens, and he narrows his eyes on me. ‘Did you bottle it?’

‘No, I was the one pushing it.’ I’m not even ashamed. ‘He said he couldn’t and left me in the ladies’ feeling like a desperate idiot.’

‘Were you mad?’

‘Furious.’

‘Yes!’ His hands slap together, and I’m yanked into his embrace. ‘This is good. Tell me more.’

I spill the whole thing – the dropped champagne, Jughead’s ‘business associate’, the way he approached me afterwards just to warn me off.

When I’m done, Kevin hums thoughtfully. It’s not the reaction I was expecting or that I wanted. ‘He’s a player. Not the right man for you, Betty. Forget about him.’

#chapter 4

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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Three days with The Dice Man: I never wrote for money or fame’

His 1971 novel was a countercultural sensation, selling 2m copies. But the author has surrounded himself in mystery. Why?

When I read The Dice Man 15 years ago, I wanted to know who had written it, and why. It read more like an act of survival than a novel, but whether it was the authors survival or mine, I wasnt sure. I had stopped drinking alcohol and I was looking, simply, for another drug. The book made me high; it offered multiple universes, all of them safer than vodka.

The Dice Man is seemingly an autobiography, narrated by a bored, clever New York psychiatrist, Luke Rhinehart. He is a nerd run mad. He decides that, in pursuit of ultimate freedom or nihilism he will make decisions using dice. He offers the dice options, and they choose for him. The dice tell him to rape his neighbour, but he fails because she wants him. The dice make him tell his patients what he thinks of them (my favourite dice decision). It was a perfect novel: a fantasy of escape and, for me, a search for an absent and charismatic father.

The book was published in 1971, an era devoted to psychoanalysis (not the mocking of it), and it was not an instant success. But over the course of 45 years, it has become a famous book, with devoted fans. The Dice Man has sold more than 2m copies in multiple languages and is still in print.

Dicing became a minor craze. Richard Branson said The Dice Man had inspired him, although he used the dice for only 24 hours because it was too dangerous to carry on longer. The entrepreneur Jeremy King opened a series of London restaurants due to a dice decision. In 1999, a Loaded magazine writer, who described Rhinehart as the novelist of the century, took heroin after a dice decision, while his girlfriend performed in a strip club. In 2005, comedian Danny Wallace published a memoir, Yes Man, in which he travelled the world saying yes to everything, again loosely inspired by Rhinehart.

As his notoriety grew, journalists came to interview the Dice Man. But Luke Rhinehart does not exist: he is the pseudonym of a man called George Powers Cockcroft, who shielded his real identity from his readers for many years. There was no Dice Man in these interviews, but there was no one else, either. Cockcroft played his part as an avuncular blank who liked dicing and drinking, a sort of Robert Mitchum pastiche; and of Cockcroft, whom I increasingly found more interesting than Rhinehart, there was almost nothing.

Why write a perfect novel, give all the credit to a ghost, then never write its equal again? I have been emailing Cockcroft since 2002, when, in a frenzy of half-hearted self-destruction, I attempted to dice my way through a Conservative party conference in Brighton. It was for an article, and I sought his advice, which was friendly and encouraging. The choices I gave myself were timid would I order a hamburger or a steak? though I do remember pretending to be Jesus Christ in the restaurant of the Grand hotel. The article was not a success, and was never published. The appeal of the dice is: how much power will you give them? I gave them nothing, and they gave nothing in return.

I have tried to interview Cockcroft before. I even met him once, in a hotel bar in London 10 years ago. He looked large and alien amid the pale chintz of Kensington, wearing a stetson that almost reached the chandelier. Last year, around the publication of his most recent novel, Invasion, which is about a friendly and intelligent alien who comes to Earth and is bewildered by our stupidity, we had a telephone interview in which he claimed, at 84, to be multiple selves, describing himself as we. We he and I were on a conference call with his publicist, and I asked him where The Dice Man had come from. You must realise, he told me softly, his voice a little hoarse, I have always conceived of myself as being multiple having, you know, a dozen different selves, if not a thousand different selves, at any given moment. He sounded croaky and crotchety, and I didnt push him. Instead, I asked if I could come and stay with him in upstate New York.

***

George Cockcroft, I say for the tape recorder. Yes, he says. Here I am.

We are in a large white house in Canaan. The houses are widely spaced here, on hills around a pond of ice; there are spindly trees on the horizon. The house is warm, comfortable, shabby, with wind chimes on the terrace.

Cockcroft is very tall and lean, his face weather-beaten from years of sailing and working in the garden. It has a kind of luminous joy that is very childlike, unless he is weary. His voice is deep, hoarse and excitable. He is, in some ways, very conventional for a myth: he chops wood, drinks whiskey, eats chocolate biscuits, feeds the fire. When he wants something, he shouts for his wife, Ann. They have been married for 60 years and there is deep love between them. I can feel it all through the house.

Cockcroft at his home in Canaan, New York. Photograph: Reed Young for the Guardian

Slowly, he tells me the facts of his biography. He is warm, courteous and curious; at one point, when I mention I need money to buy a house, he offers, very seriously, to lend it to me. Sometimes he says he cant remember things. Sometimes he says he doesnt know why he does things. Sometimes he repeats that he has multiple selves, and cant access the one who has the answer to my question. (I begin to think he does this when he feels threatened; if it were habitual, wouldnt he they do it all the time?) Then he will give a sorrowful grin and we retreat: he to his study, to write or to answer emails from fans, I to the sofa to read a novel Ann wrote many years ago. Later, we try again.

Cockcroft grew up 30 miles away, in Albany. His grandfather was the chief justice of the supreme court of Vermont; his great-grandfather was the governor of Vermont; so the creator of The Dice Man was born to New England grandees. I ask about his family. My parents were both college graduates, he says, a curious first observation from a novelist who doesnt care about class. His father Donald was an electrical engineer, his mother Elizabeth went to Wellesley College. She was clever and expected cleverness from her two sons.

As a boy, he was shy and compliant, and began to use the dice at 16. He was a procrastinator: So I would make a list of things to do in a day and the dice would choose which one I did first. Then he began to use the dice to force myself to do things I was too shy to do. If the dice chose it, then somehow that made it possible.

He says he didnt have a single original thought in his adolescence. He went to his fathers school, again showing how little originality I had, and studied electrical engineering, like his father. I cant believe how naturally and easily I was conforming to everything, Cockcroft says. His younger brother James, an expert in South American politics, was a rebel; even today, his website describes him as author, lecturer, revolutionary. But I was a total conformist, he says. I was intellectually dead until I was 20.

He also studied psychology and English literature. He worked nights in a psychiatric hospital, and considered being a lawyer. (I long to meet a dice lawyer.) The dice chose Ann for him. He was driving home from the hospital and saw two nurses. He got out his dice. If it was odd, he told himself, he would offer them a lift. One of them was Ann.

She looked like Rita Hayworth, and he fell in love with her immediately, applying to Columbia University to be close to her in Brooklyn. They married in 1956 and had three sons: Corby, Powers and Christopher, who has paranoid schizophrenia and still lives with them. Cockcroft avoided the draft to Korea because he had varicose veins: I hate to think what would have happened if I had gone into the military, he says. (The dice soldier.) Instead, he taught English literature at a series of colleges in America and beyond.

With Ann in 1956, minutes after proposing to her. Photograph: courtesy of George Cockcroft

He says he has no idea why he began writing. He read outsiders, and men who railed against belonging: Tolstoy, Kafka, Hemingway. His first attempt at fiction was about a young boy who is locked up in a psychiatric institution because he thinks he is Jesus Christ. He abandoned it after 80 pages, but one chapter featured a psychiatrist called Dr Luke Rhinehart. He was a minor character, Cockcroft says, but there he was.

The year he began writing The Dice Man, 1965, there was a crisis in the marriage. He and Ann were living in Mexico with James and his family. Ann was pregnant with their youngest son, and developed hepatitis. She was very frightened for herself, for the baby, Cockcroft says. She felt isolated, and felt I was somehow closer to my brother than her. She came back from Mexico very resentful of me, and frightened in a way she had never been before.

He was reading Zen and Sufism, which he describes as attacks on the self. Somehow writing the book and reading these philosophies enabled me to be detached from any bad places I was in, to not be enmeshed in them. He wrote slowly, 50 pages a year for five years. His previous writing had been laboured and self-conscious, but this was different. As soon as I began writing The Dice Man, he says, I felt I had found my natural voice. I didnt think of it that way at the time, but the book is about what makes human beings unhappy and how they can escape.

He admits the writing was psychoanalysis, a way of understanding, and processing, his brief estrangement from Ann. The Dice Man involves some of the things I could do if I could free myself from Ann. But the book went way beyond that. There is, for instance, much adulterous sex.

Lukes wife in the book, Lil, funny, sexy, a good mother, is something like Ann. He admits that the children are based on my own children. But he couldnt go as far as Luke. My dicing has always been very limited, he says. I was wise enough to know that I didnt want to risk my marriage by giving options to things that might ruin the marriage. I never gave an option that would hurt people.

Upstairs, above his and Anns bed, there is a painting of two Georges one good, one bad by Ann. Her paintings fill the house. I wasnt consciously angry, Cockcroft says, of the trouble in their marriage. Sad is closer than angry. I never get very unhappy. Every year that goes by, you realise how unimportant everything is. I dont think Ive asked much of life since I wrote The Dice Man. I was ambitious then. Ive mellowed. Pretty soon Ill be a liquid lying on the ground.

Above the couples bed hangs a painting by Ann of two Georges one good, one bad. Photograph: Reed Young for the Guardian

Is Luke your repressed self, I ask. Because, for all his wit, Luke Rhinehart is a raging man, and George Cockcroft is not. But he wont answer the question. Remember, he says, there is no single you. So that is a question I would not answer. Later, he does go further. Luke is the hard, cold version of George, he says, then adds: What I have come to love about the Luke of the novel is his willingness to be a fool, his willingness to laugh at himself.

He shows me an excerpt from his diary, dated 10 June 1969, written in Mallorca: I must finish the Dice Man novel. I know that if I open the novel and begin to read it, I, and it, will live, and my desire to work on it and complete it will bloom again. I am the Dice Man in a way I am no one else. It is the idea which my life has created. I am not good for a second one. I am not a professional writer. I am without talent in any way. But the theory of the dice man, the ironic spirit of his life, grows as naturally in my rocky soil as do boulders here along the rocky coast of Mallorca.

Cockcroft came across the journal three or four months ago and was startled: he doesnt remember feeling that way. Later, in a restaurant by the frozen lake, I ask if the description of Luke that opens the novel is him: I am a large man, with big butchers hands, great oak thighs, rock-jawed head and massive, thick-lens glasses. Im 6ft 4in and weigh close to 230lbs; I look like Clark Kent.

Id have to look at it again, Cockcroft says. Physically, its not me. I made him a much bigger man. Hes overweight.

Luke is overweight? Ann says. I dont remember that.

Thats how I always picture him, he says.

Ann replies: I always picture him like you.

***

When Cockcroft was a child, there was a calamity. His father developed cancer in his 30s. He decided he wasnt going to put himself and his family through any more pain, he says, and he called up his doctor and said he was going to shoot himself and to come over and handle things, and he shot himself. Its the longest single sentence Cockcroft utters. He was eight or nine at the time. He cant remember exactly. He says his mother greeted him at the door after school and said, Father is dead. His only memory, after that, is, going out to the garage and not crying and wondering if I should cry. He was not close to his mother. She was a Vermont puritan, and not a naturally warm person. Did you ask her what happened to your father? No, he says, and for a moment I can hear the compliant boy. I mean no.

Do you forgive him? I admire him, he says wonderingly, as if the question is ridiculous. But it was a savage act of separation; his father didnt say goodbye.

Cockcroft says he remembers almost nothing of his life before his fathers death. He shows me fragments of an autobiography he has not finished, because he has not solved the problem of writing a narrative by multiple selves.

Was our childhood so traumatic we cant face it? he writes, in the third person. Our brother, Jim, thinks so. Jim is three years younger than we are and he remembers a cruel father that used to whip him with a belt. We dont have a single memory of being beaten with a belt. Jim is unrepressed, remembers a cruel father; we are repressed, remember nothing. Saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing. We have no painful memories pre-Dads death-day, nor any happy ones.

***

In 1969, while teaching in Mallorca, Cockcroft found a publisher for The Dice Man called Mike Franklin, and swiftly wrote the second half of the book. Franklin called it a near masterpiece and got a huge advance for the American edition.

It did badly in America, partly, Cockcroft thinks, because of a cover jacket featuring a naked woman lying on a bed. But it did better in Europe, particularly in England, Sweden, Denmark and now Spain, where it was for a time the most requested library book in Spanish universities.

No publisher asked for another novel, so he didnt write one. He fell into indolence; he was busy sailing and raising his children. Another example of my life of ambition, Cockcroft says, sarcastically. All through my 20s, I was fighting ambition. My mother had made me very ambitious to be successful at whatever I did, and I felt that was a sickness. I never wrote for money and I never consciously wrote for fame. The Dice Man was part of a lifelong process to get me to relax and enjoy things as they are, and not aspire to more than I have.

The film rights to The Dice Man were sold, and he wrote screenplays for a film that was never made. He and Ann travelled for years, often on boats; they smoked marijuana. He sank a catamaran in a storm in the Mediterranean, after Ann had prayed for three nights on deck while he apologised, precipitantly, for drowning their children. (They were picked up by a Scottish freighter 40 miles off the coast of Africa.)

The family settled in Canaan after following a Sufi cult to New York state. The Dice Man grew in fame, but Cockcroft didnt. He spent his money, and earned more. He discouraged any questions about his real self, and people rarely asked. They interviewed Luke Rhinehart and that was it, he says now. I wasnt being secretive so much as simply preferring to keep the two identities separate. Rhinehart allowed him to have a private life. Acquaintances in Canaan do not know he is the author of The Dice Man.

Cockcroft with his sons Powers (left) and Chris in 1972. Photograph: courtesy of George Cockcroft

He wrote books only when the mood, or the advance, came: White Wind, Black Rider; Whim; Long Voyage Back; The Book Of Est, a guidebook to a popular 70s cult; The Book Of The Die; and Naked Before The World, a novel alluded to in The Dice Man. Jesus Invades George is a very funny tale of George W Bush being possessed by Jesus Christ. He wrote The Search For The Dice Man, in which Luke ends up in a Japanese monastery, but it is the work of a sleeping writer: Luke barely appears and, when he does, he is a cipher.

In 2012, an email announcing his death was sent to 25 friends, apparently from Ann: It is our pleasure to inform you that Luke Rhinehart is dead. He very much wanted us to tell you this as soon as possible so you wouldnt be annoyed that he wasnt replying to your emails. But people were upset, and he later apologised for his thoughtlessness, blaming Luke. To pretend to die while sneakily lurking here and there in the darkest shadows is the lowest of the low. But we can expect no better from him.

Ask me about Invasion, he says now. He wants another roll; he is enjoying the attention. This latest book is full of his politics, which are the politics of Bernie Sanders; its tone is amused disgust, and it is very funny, if you can handle an alien protagonist who looks like a beachball, and whose beachball friend is called Molire.

I try to find a tactful way to ask him: do you mind that The Dice Man, your first book, is your best book? But my opinion doesnt bother him, because he cant agree. Right now, he says, using the multiple pronoun, we have no idea of the relative merits of our novels. At this moment, Invasion is liked very much by most of us, more than our previous books. Two years ago, we told people our favourite novel was Whim. After I finished writing Jesus Invades George, it was our favourite novel. If Invasion fails to sell, he says, he doesnt think it will bother him for more than a single afternoon.

At the end of my stay, I ask Cockcroft again about his father. He tells me he has nightmares about the garage attached to the house in which he grew up, in which he tried to weep after his fathers death. He has an image, he says hesitantly, too faint to be a memory, of a maid washing blood off the walls in the house, at the top of the stairs. I feel morbid, prodding him. He has already told me more than he has told any journalist, and he doesnt believe in cause and effect. He cannot see a connection between his fathers suicide and the creation of the Dice Man, so I stop.

But a few days later, after I have returned to England, he sends me an email. Last night I had a really remarkable dream, he writes, using the first person. For the first time in months, if not years, I was outside the house where my father committed suicide. I was walking over to our neighbours house, where contractors were arriving to do some sort of work that involved both the neighbours property and ours. I said with great confidence and authority in the direction of the contractors (not seen), I am George Cockcroft, the owner of this property. I think the subject line, in capital letters, is a joke at my expense. It says, Im CURED!

Invasion by Luke Rhinehart is published by Titan at 8.99.