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dibidibifiction · 3 years

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Virtual Walls: Part 1

Pairing: Choi Minho x Reader Word count: 2.6k

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction made for personal entertainment of readers. The writer does not ever intend to offend her readers nor does she aim to spread false information about anyone as to pay any disrespect to the real-life persons whom the characters are based on. She also does not claim ownership to any of the images that are being used.

masterlist

. . .

4 DAYS BEFORE CONCERT

MINHO

“What could have happened to her?” I mumble to myself while I stare at our chat conversation.

“What could have happened to who?” Kibum suddenly sneaks up behind me, distracting my train of thought.

“Oh, hey.”

“What is going on with you?” He immediately noticed the apathy in my voice.

“He’s hung up on this girl he met on the internet. Apparently, she hasn’t messaged him in days.” Jinki says mockingly as he walks into the practice room from lunch.

“Hyung!” I yell at him, shaking my head. That is too much information.

“Really?” Kibum’s eyes widen in incredulity. “Hey, did you know that Minho’s got a girlfriend?” He turns to Jonghyun who just approached our circle.

“No, but I did notice that he’s been a little checked out lately,” Jonghyun Hyung informs everyone. “Wait, is that why? It’s because of her?” he asks me.

“She is not my girlfriend,” I say defensively. “I mean, we’re not there yet.”

“Okay, I’m losing interest,” Kibum declares, turning around with his hands in the air and leaving the conversation.

I sigh in frustration. This has been the longest we haven’t talked at all. Not even a ‘hello’ or a ‘good night.’ The last text she sent me was that she wasn’t sleeping well lately and that she was too exhausted. That was around eleven PM three nights ago. I can’t help but think that she might get sick and that no one can be there to take care of her. Maybe that’s why she’s not able to reply to my messages.

“Don’t worry about it too much. Just give her a little more time. Maybe she’ll have a reasonable explanation,” Jonghyun Hyung says as he taps my shoulder, trying to uplift me. “Come on. Lunch is over. We still have a lot to practice.”

Right, the rehearsal. The boys and I have a concert coming up and we’ve been hard at work for months now. It’s actually a good thing that I’m busy for a while so I can forget about her for at least a second. I can manage to snap out of it in order to focus since another important thing for me is our supporters. I can’t afford to let them down, can I?

But the thing is I haven’t stopped thinking about Y/n ever since we first talked via video call. I don’t normally chat up some random person I meet online and promptly connect with them. This is such a rare occurrence and so unexpected that it overwhelmed me for some time until I got used to that feeling. I got used to her sending me messages about her days, sending me selfies and telling me some random things that make me laugh.

Now, it all disappeared. I don’t exactly know why.

Six months ago, the day after my birthday, I was trying to dig in more of Instagram since I was literally new at it. I started to follow some film photographers. When I was scrolling down my Explore page, I came across a certain photo. I couldn’t pinpoint the certain detail that caught my attention but it fascinated me immediately. I didn’t think much about it so I hit like.

It was a grayscale photo of a woman with messy short hair from the wind at a beach somewhere. Her face doesn’t even show because it’s blurry for a motion purpose. It may not be much but I was mesmerized by it. It seemed so aesthetic and I thought it was ingenious and indescribable.

At that very second, I noticed that Taemin liked the photo too. He probably knew the photographer from his solo shoots.

I tapped on the mentioned model. To my awkward dissatisfaction, her account was private. At least I could read her bio, as what Kibum taught me it’s called. There was nothing much written on there but the South Korean flag, an airplane, and the Philippine flag emojis. Below it, it said Followed by lm_____ltm.

Curiosity spreads in my head. But at that time, I couldn’t do anything with it but just go back to work, preparing and rehearsing for the drama I was invited to be a part of.

The next day was a busy one. I had meetings, photoshoots and a magazine interview.

When the night came and I was finally settled at home, I decided to check my Instagram while I rested my tired feet before getting into the shower.

To my pleasant surprise, I got a message from the girl in the photo I liked. She followed me immediately. I followed her back. Her feed was full of aesthetic and artistic portraits. She also took some great landscapes and some photos are from photographers she worked for as a model. She’s pretty talented.

Hi, Minho! I just want to say thank you for liking the photo. It meant a lot to me so, again, thank you. Hope you had a good day.

So I wrote a reply. And from there, we chatted for an hour. The basic get-to-know stuff such as childhood, hometowns, job histories, and families. Nothing too deep.

Although unexpectedly, our conversation did start getting deeper, especially when she was talking about her father. She eventually suggested video chat so that it was easier to talk. Her eyes were a little teary while telling me how she felt all her life under her dad’s roof. I was a little surprised when she opened up to me right away, but of course I really wanted to listen as well. I felt honored to learn about her inner personality that early.

We did not only talk about her, but also, I felt comfortable sharing things with her. I told her how much soccer means to me and for the first time, no one made fun of me or told me that soccer is so boring. (Yes, I’m talking about Kibum.) She didn’t cut me off no matter how long I had been rambling about my experience in the military and how my career turned my life around. It’s like she already saw right through me and was just listening while resting her chin on her hand, nodding and laughing along, asking questions when she needed to. She showed me that she was engaged in what I was saying.

After we had to hang up, it felt like we’ve known each other for a very long time. I missed her already.

. . .

8 DAYS BEFORE CONCERT

Y/N

“Oh, honey. I can’t wait to see you,” Mom says on video chat, her voice cracking.

My throat starts to sore from trying not to tear up as well. I haven’t been with my friends and family, basically my real life, for over two years ever since my dad and I had the biggest fight ever.

“I’m going to pick you up at the airport, okay? I’ll send you the flight details via email.”

“Okay, Mom. Thanks. I’ll talk to you later,” I say, smiling lovingly at her. “I love you.”

“Love you, too, honey,” she says back before hanging up.

And I let it rip. I shut my laptop and cry my eyes out. I have not cried like this since my first day here.

Before all this happened, I was in my first year of medical school, which was my biggest life frustration. I wanted to be an artist. Still do. My father just never stopped controlling my life even when I turned into an adult. When I told him that I wasn’t going through med school, he just ignored me. But then he found my photos online, that’s when he flipped out.

“What’s next? Pornography?” he screamed at me. He got so furious that his veins were showing on his temples.

I normally wouldn’t talk back at him, let alone raise my voice in any way at anyone. This time, I snapped. “Being a model and an artist is different from doing porn, Dad. Did you ever even ask what I want? For once, open your fucking mind!”

Before I knew it, a rush of hot sensation electrified on the side of my face, making my sight blurry and my hearing faint for a minute. The next thing I knew was my nose wouldn’t stop bleeding. My father’s slap felt like a punch of a giant considering that he’s six-foot tall and I’m just a five-four. I didn’t get to hear his reproach and his after-all-what-I’ve-done-for-you poppycock, which I’ve heard all my life anyway.

I had it. I had enough. I needed to get out of that house. With my bleeding nose and faint hearing, I went up to my room and packed a suitcase.

It was my mom’s idea for me to get out of the country and go somewhere far from home, somewhere paradisiacal. Most importantly, being out of my father’s reach in order to heal by myself. Thank goodness my mom is a business woman who travelled a lot and got connections in tourism all over Asia. That’s how she got to send me here in Coron.

I wipe off my tears once I see Minho calling me through video chat on my phone screen.

I open my laptop again to accept his call.

“Look at this,” he says. His camera moves from side to side, showing me the empty audience area of the Olympic Gymnastics Arena.

“Wow! That is crazy,” I exclaim. “Well, probably not that crazy to you since you’ve done that like a million times?” I giggle at him while he flips his camera so I can see his handsome face.

“I can never get used to this. Really.” He shakes his head in delighted disbelief. “I wish you could be here.”

“I know. I’m sorry I can’t.” I bite my lip. My butthole is cringing as I keep lying to him. I’m just not good at it. The only person I’m good at lying is to my dad.

“That’s okay. I’ll come and visit you there once my schedule loosens,” he smiles brightly at me.

“Sure, if that ever happens,” I say sarcastically, rolling my eyeballs.

“Shut up,” he laughs. “Anyway, I called so that I can see your face since I won’t be able to see you in a while I suppose. I’m going to be busier this week, with the concert coming up.”

“Yeah, I get it. Just text me whenever. I’ll be right here,” I bite my lip again. That is such a lie. I’m also trying not to react to the fact that he'll miss me.

“Alright. I have to go.”

“Work hard.” I wave at the screen. “Don’t hurt yourself!”

I hear his laugh before hanging up.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. I’ve been out here for far too long and I think it’s time to go back and face everything. Face my dad. Maybe that’s the purpose of meeting Minho. I know we haven’t literally met yet, but his impact in my life is unbelievable. Who would’ve thought that I could connect with somebody like this? Given that this has been the lowest point of my life.

I decided to surprise him by showing up to SHINee’s concert next week in Seoul. This gesture doesn’t even begin to express how grateful I am for him to walk into life. It’s just crazy whenever I think about it.

It was six months ago when I first encountered him. My friends back home kept messaging me for days that “Minho from SHINee” liked the photo I was in.

SHINee? I thought to myself. What’s the big deal then? The name sounded familiar, but I definitely had no idea who Choi Minho was.

So I tried to google ‘SHINee.’ When the results appeared, I immediately recognized Taemin, who I met at a club in Seoul one night. I then randomly ran into him again at a photoshoot of him with a photographer I worked for months before leaving the country. We kind of hit it off then, so we’ve been friends ever since.

During my stay here in the last two years, Taemin had sent me huge packages of my favorite local junk food several times since he knew that I missed home so much.

I tried calling him to ask about Minho at the time but he didn’t answer. Typical Lee Taemin. He was always busy. So I just continued relying on Google and YouTube.

I was on the computer for hours just watching every video I found of Minho: performances, fancams, press cons, variety show guestings. I came across his ‘I’m Home’ music video and I remember being incredibly attracted to him right away. In his grey and white luxurious home wear and with his short hair. Also, in the behind-the-scenes video of it, he was so adorable that I was at the brink of fangirling. I watched every music video of SHINee when I couldn’t get enough of him. He’s a real Rap God. And I must say, he looked so hot with red hair.

After realizing that Minho was indeed a big deal, I wrote a message to send him, just to thank him for his appreciation on my photo.

The next night, I heard my phone ding after I got out of the bath.

“Oh, my God.” I gasped. I couldn’t believe that Choi Minho had replied to my message. It’s not even worth replying to. I didn’t realize I didn’t exhale from the gasp until my heart started to jump.

I really liked your photo. It’s simple yet I connect to it like I can’t describe. Even though your face doesn’t show much, it’s a great photograph in general.

The message said that I received it 21 hours ago. Why did my stupid phone notify me just then?

My heart wouldn’t stop racing like trying to get out of my ribcage, I was panicking. I don't remember how it happened, but I naturally invited him to video chat after an hour of just texting.

For my poor heart to handle, he agreed right away.

We talked for hours that night. I genuinely started to feel like I had known him for a very long time. After hearing about his entire military service and his intense excitement for soccer, I didn’t feel like fangirling at all. Well, I did become his biggest fan but in the most supportive friendly way. I remember smiling involuntarily when I watched his eyes burn with so much passion as he spoke about the things he loves. He was telling me about how his life came about in an unexpected turn when he became a singer instead of a soccer player or a sports team owner. His career changed his life in the most beautiful way. Additionally, the love he has for his supporters, the way he talked about them, “Shawol” as he calls them, he doesn’t just refer to them as his fans but rather his family to take care of. It was unbelievably heart-warming watching the glimmer in his eyes and the smile on his face despite the ever-buffering internet connection.

Since then, there was never a day we didn’t text each other on Instagram messenger. Even when he’s busy from all his tight schedules, I’d still send him random selfies and silly voice messages to hopefully relieve him from stress somehow.

And now, I can’t get more excited to actually be with him. I can finally break these virtual walls and this huge ocean between us. I’ll be seeing him in a week and I’ve never felt this happy in so long.

PART 2

#shinee fanfics #choi minho x reader #shinee fanfic #minho x reader

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firespirited · 3 years

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Man I have so much to learn. So much. Like, about how to praise without implying that others didn’t do enough. How to convey multiple shades of grey to a person or a thing without coming across as negative or positive or wavering between the two extremes.

I can hold complex nuanced thoughts in my head but getting them out in a way that actually 1/ centers the core of what I mean AND 2/ expresses nuance instead of sounding like a swinging pendulum “yeah but no but yeah but also”.

And somehow I got really good at seeing who wasn’t speaking in the room and engaging them then giving them space to speak but that’s in real life when you can mentally count faces and who’s taking up audio and physical space. Online, voices get drowned out and I need to find ways of visualising who’s present but not getting a say and needs amplifying, sometimes it’s the mere silence, other times there are small text/subtext only clues that indicate frustration so politely you wouldn’t spot them at first glance. It’s something that needs practice and part of me is like “being a better person is so much work I wish I could be stagnant where i am at and not care” but we all know that ends with being human dickcheese resting on old fight laurels.

The widespread of long covid and lack of resources is also threatening that i’m going to have to re-engage with discourse that’s extremely triggering (for almost 15 years now I’d rather pretend my reality and my past survival doesn’t exist, lock it up in a box, hear it murmur sometimes but muffle it fast) because those survival mechanisms are going to be important to the new crop of chronic “end of life exhaustion” folks and we’re going to have to unite with them to make sure any of us has a chance at getting research done and maybe treatments? I’ve only been willing and able to re-engage with the subject inside “old” crip circles, the ones who have at least half done their grief and rejected the capitalist/puritanical/libertarian views of productivity and usefulness to others equaling being worthy of life. It ties in with whether old survivors have a duty of care to new survivors because non survivors can’t possibly comprehend. it’s messed up right? I don’t want to relearn the kid glove approach and watch people enact internalised ableism the way i did until taught otherwise but avoidance is only going to work for so long.

When it boiled down to it in real life, it just *happened* you don’t really get a choice when you’re looking right at someone falling apart, I’ve given countless hours of free therapy to carers displaying chronic exhaustion or in abusive relationships or with neurodivergent kids, knowing that they’d leave to care for themselves or their kids once they came to acceptance. Which is incidentally why I have two new carers this month (Cindy finally refused to go back to her useless man and is working less hours so she can self regulate her fatigue, Maeva is leaving the carer business to either go into management or small farm life because we convinced her to change before she got completely burned out, Aurélie took a deskjob so she could be there for her autistic little girl who is adorable btw.) New carer Julie is nice, she enjoys speaking english to mum as she spent a year in oz and has a kiwi bf. It’s super unsettling to learn to trust a stranger in each carer though, they gradually get access to your fridge, bedroom, your nudity, your worst moments of vomit and whatnot...

But yes so much to learn about reaching out to folks, media critique, political topics like ableism, expressing any opinion really: in ways that say this isn’t about *me* this is about this, and this is the carefully thought out expression of what i mean not sponteanous word-vomit then 10 different followup messages of “but no but also yeah but also no” or using jargon with folks who don’t use jargon or not using the exact jargon with folks who need to hear that you know your stuff and yeah going back over conversations to see who got overlooked.

I also need to find ways of communicating more clearly to my sis, when i speak too loud she loses all sense of tone except angry, when i avoid exacting technical/scholarly terms due to my dislike of jargon she doesn’t like the ambiguity. I need to find a way of communicate that i’m listening and trying to understand not silently sulking or anything (resting grouch face ya know). I’ve spent so long rejecting my type of neurodivergence that putting myself in neurodivergent shoes feels taboo and cringe and means fighting a lot of intrusive avoidance/self loathing thoughts when i’m trying to concentrate on someone else *shut up bullied-brain* OTL.

This is of course stuff that probably won’t end up that regularly on this tumblr, this is a mostly dolls, creative people and cool animals space. hence the read-more. Just wanted to say i’m a work in progress too and if i have less brainspace for dolls it might because i’m trying to absorb better social skills, not etiquette (that can burn) but better listening, learning and communicating skills.

#disability blogging #covid mention #saf

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dmflyingaway · 7 years

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On Writing Every Day

So often in the informal advice circles of writers online the advice to “write every day” gets bandied about as some sort of magical cure to your writing woes. “Try this one tip for instant success!” they say, all the while beating you over the head with shame if you can’t do it. It becomes a proscription, as in write every day or else. The or else, of course, meaning or else you will fail as a writer. Or else you will never get published. Or else you will remain mediocre.

Which is utterly stupid.

There are plenty of writers who write every day and remain bad, and there are plenty who write only rarely who are fabulous at it. Write every day is, by itself, terrible advice. If you’ve ever felt panicked sitting frozen in front of your computer badgering yourself to write, write, write because if you don’t write right now, today and every day, then you fail! ...then you probably know what I’m talking about. I know, because I’ve felt that way, too.

Well, I hereby absolve you of that guilt. It’s not your fault! You received bad advice.

The advice should really be: if you want to improve your writing, practice.

There are a couple of key words here. Namely if you want. This isn’t a proscription. If you’re happy with your writing style then don’t worry about it! And even if you want to improve you don’t have to write every day. You could write once a week, or once a month, and it’s still more writing than you’d be doing if you wrote never because you’re paralyzed with anxiety over not writing daily.

But the other key word, the most important word, is practice. Practice is a funny word. It doesn’t mean what you think it does. It doesn’t mean just sitting down and doing the same thing over and over again (because, after all, practicing something badly just means you get really good at being bad). What it means is making conscious effort to improve bit by bit. This means challenging yourself when you feel you are stagnating. It means accepting the critiques of others and learning to critique yourself. And, yeah, it means actually sitting down and doing it.

Decide if you want to improve your writing.

Most of the writers I know read their work and think, “This is absolute garbage.” I know I often think that about my own work. Know that if you feel the same way it’s probably not as bad as you think, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to improve. So take some time and look back over your work and try to decide: is this what I want to do with my time? Is writing about getting better, or is it just for fun? Whatever you decide you can change your mind later, but it’s good to have a conversation with yourself.

Learn to critique.

Critiquing writing seriously can be very difficult. We often can’t explain why we like or don’t like something, we just know. By learning to critique the work of others you can get closer to being able to critique your own work.

Start asking questions of what you read. If you find a book you like ask: what about this book is interesting to me? Is it about style, structure, or content? If it’s about style, are there particular passages that I can pick out as striking? If it’s about structure, what would it look like to draw out the plot? If it’s about content, is it a story I would have liked regardless of the author telling it? Would I have still liked the story if it was told poorly?

If you have a book you don’t like ask: at what point did I stop (or wish I had stopped) reading? What about this book was dull, or boring, or frustrating? Am I the intended audience? Were there parts I still liked even if overall I found the writing wasn’t great? How could I rewrite it to make it better?

Critiquing is as much about figuring out what does work as what doesn’t. In the end, the only person guaranteed to read your finished piece is you, so you only have to learn how to please yourself.

Identify major problem areas.

This is where having a writing buddy can be helpful, but even without one you can still use the skills of critique to identify areas to be improved in your own writing.

Start by rereading as though you are distant from the work. As if someone else wrote it. Make notes as you go. Watch for things like grammar, pacing, tone, and confusing structure. Ask yourself the same questions you asked above. Do I like this? And why?

Make a plan to fix the problems.

Most plans go like this: 1) Identify the problem, 2) research a solution, 3) plan how and when to practice the solution, 4) practice the solution, and 5) integrate the solution in a way that’s comfortable.

Let’s say your writing friend has pointed out that you use a lot of comma splices. So many, in fact, that it is hard to know what you’re trying to say. You graciously accept the critique and buy them a coffee as a thank you for all the editing work they’ve done. Next, you start researching a solution to the problem. You learn this is actually a common issue and you start picking up tips on when to use a period and when to add a conjunction. But you can’t just suddenly stop using them because, honestly, who can? So instead you make a checklist of things you can do to stop using comma splices. You start with going back to some of your old work and editing it yourself. You keep an eye out for comma splices and--lo and behold!--they’re everywhere! You edit them diligently, thereby practicing how to write non-comma-splice sentences. Then, you decide how to integrate this new knowledge into your writing. This will probably take time, and you are sure to slip back into your old ways occasionally, but for now you will keep an eye out for splices.

Sometimes--and especially for rules of grammar--integrating the solution may mean breaking the rules. It may mean occasionally putting in a comma splice just for dramatic effect. We learn rules so we can break them consciously, not so that they restrict our creativity.

Identify the things you like.

Remember: critiquing is about figuring out what does work as well. Try not to be down on yourself constantly. As you read through your work making notes be on the lookout for things you really like. You can watch for the same things as above.

After figuring out what you like about your writing this can be a good time to start slowly pushing yourself. Practicing is about challenging yourself as an artist.

Let’s say you have been told you write dialogue well. You graciously accept the compliment and spend the next week squeeing in delight. And then you set to work figuring out why you write dialogue well. Now that you’re looking for it you can see that you did have a good balance of full sentences and sentence fragments. It sounds believable, like something people would really say, but it’s also readable. Next you start challenging yourself still further. Maybe you write a scene with twelve characters all talking about what to get for dinner. You get to make decisions about who gets the focus and who doesn’t, about when to summarize and when to write it all out. By challenging yourself to have more characters speaking than is totally comfortable you will grow as a writer.

And on that note:

Challenge, challenge, challenge!

When you’re practicing writing (as opposed to simply writing) it should feel slightly uncomfortable. You are learning and growing and changing. It may even be exhausting sometimes (or perhaps invigorating!). But at no point should it feel painful. The challenges you do should never hurt. If they do, move back a bit and reassess where you are at.

Here are some good challenges you can do:

Try writing every day. I know! I know. I just said up above that it’s bad advice. It’s bad advice when it’s a proscription, but as a challenge it can be fun and interesting, and can teach you a lot about who you are as a writer. You can try for a week or a month and assess. Maybe writing every day actually exhausts you. Maybe you do better in large chunks once a week. But you won’t know unless you try. Also: when I say “every day” I mean only schedule about 15 minutes. Once they’re done, they’re done unless the mood strikes you, even if you’ve only written one word and deleted a comma. Unless writing is your job it’s unreasonable to assume you can make more time than that.

Try writing in the style of another author. I’ve heard this advice before and I always used to think: but I don’t know what their style is? This is normal. We aren’t usually taught what makes a “style.” To write like someone else don’t just sit down and try to make it work. Instead, take the book in question and flip through it. Study it the way a visual artist studies a great painting. Look at random passages and sentences. See how the plot hangs together. Watch for the balance of narrative to dialogue. Write something short first. You can even copy full sentences if you like, just to feel how it is to write them with your own hands.

Try rewriting something of yours. The older the better! Take something you’ve written and either open a new window or get a fresh sheet of paper and get ready to literally retype every word. What’s likely to happen is along the way you will note what you should have said, or where you would have liked the story to go, or how you wish it would have ended. Make the changes!

Try a restrictive writing style. Do something like write a haiku, or a series of 100-word drabbles, or a short story in the brutally stark style of a detective novel. Stick with it and see how it feels to write like this. Do you like it? Does it feel natural or unnatural? Does it force you to be creative in new ways? Are there things from this style that you will take with you?

Try free-flowing writing. Open your computer and close your eyes and write without looking. Or purposefully turn off spell-check (and make sure to turn off your internal editor as well). Try writing in the fast, fun style of a satire, or with the lurid prose of a romance novel. Writing about tax evasion the way one writes about long, burning looks while lounging before a fire on a bearskin rug will teach you a lot about style.

As you practice your writing I hope you can enjoy challenging yourself. Remember that there is no one perfect tip that will make your writing spectacular. Everything happens in increments. Two steps that way and three steps the other way (and neither way is really “backwards” or “forwards”). Learn to identify what you like and don’t like about your own writing, and develop ways to push yourself, and with practice improvements will come.

Happy writing!

[This blog is made possible by my lovely patrons on Patreon. Consider becoming a patron to support more advice like this.]

#writing tips #writing #writing advice #writing style

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fayecallasdatingblog · 6 years

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Giving Up On Love: 9 Proven Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Do It

UGGG! You’re sick to death of dead-end dating and have decided that you’re giving up on love altogether.

Before you do, Sexy Confident lady, do me a favor and read this article first. I understand your frustration. The older you are, the harder it can seem to find a man worthy of your amazing self. But don’t give up on love! You just need a little patience and inspiration to keep looking.

What is The Real Meaning of Love?

via GIPHY

If you’re like most women, you grew up being taught that true love involved a man saying “as you wish” to your every request (“Princess Bride”), making romantic gestures like playing a meaningful song outside your window on a boom box (“Say Anything”) and rescuing you from a life of prostitution to make you a modern-day princess (“Pretty Woman”).

Er…scratch that last one. But you get my point.

Women have been fed this fairytale myth of what love is, and it frustrates me to no end because they’re left having unrealistic expectations about what love really is.

Now, I’m not saying that love isn’t magical and wonderful, but realize that movies are fiction, and you can’t expect your life to play out like a rom-com starring Jennifer Aniston. Those movies tend to focus on the first stage of love anyway, the attraction and romance stage, when what comes next is so much better, in my mind.

To me, the real meaning of love is what happens once the dust has settled. When those butterflies in your stomach have subsided…just a little bit. When you know that this person is a true, reliable partner for life. When you can be your most authentic self.

Certainly, everyone’s definition of love will be a little different, but consider whether you’ve been operating under the idea of a false sense of love fed to you by the media and whether those unrealistic expectations might be blocking you from actually finding love.

Why You Shouldn’t Give Up On Love

It’s absolutely normal and acceptable to want to take a hiatus from dating for a while. In fact, I encourage you to do so. Looking for a great guy is a bit like applying for the perfect job, especially if you’re looking on dating apps. You look, find a few that seem promising, and swipe right or click the heart. Then you wait to hear back. Probably you don’t.

If you do get a message, the conversation may fizzle out before it really begins. Or maybe you actually meet the guy, and there’s no chemistry.

If there is chemistry, there’s still no guarantee that you’re compatible long-term.

So, yea, just like searching for and applying for the perfect job, dating can be pretty freaking exhausting with no positive results.

At least…that’s how it can seem from your perspective. But if you look at the big picture, things might be a bit different.

Let’s say you got divorced two years ago, and a year ago, you started dating in earnest. You talked to countless guys online, met a few in person, and went on a dozen or so dates. Of those dates, maybe one or two ended up being something that lasted for a few weeks or months.

While those might not have ended up being The One, they at least gave you practice in what it’s like to date now, after 40. A year of dating and a few short relationships is pretty good, in my book. Yes, you’re looking for that one lasting love, but really, did you expect it to be so easy? Isn’t true love worth waiting for?

Trust me: you don’t want to rush it or end up convincing yourself that the wrong guy is actually Mr. Right. Be picky. He’ll come.

Here are a few reasons why you should never, ever give up on love.

1. You’re Not Alone

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While you may feel like the last single person on the planet, you’re far from it. In fact, 44% of the adult American population is single. And more and more women are choosing to live a single life.

If your circle of friends consists of married women and ladies in relationships, consider expanding your circle to spend more time with other single women. You’ll find people who understand the lure of giving up on dating and relationships, and they’ll be there to support you because they’ve been there themselves.

2. Love Doesn’t Happen Overnight

You’re used to getting what you want when you want it, but I’m sorry to tell you: love doesn’t work that way. Finding it requires a ton of patience, and that isn’t easy to have.

When you were in your 20s, maybe you fell in love easily. But how did that work out for you? I’m guessing not so well.

Now you’re pickier about who you fall in love with, and admittedly, the pool is much smaller. You may be divorced and a bit reluctant to open up your heart and trust someone again so soon. You may know exactly what you want and be unwilling to compromise until you find it (good for you!).

That means that finding love is going to take a while.

Look at it like this: even if today you met The One, it might be months before you realized he was it. So you proceed like always, slowly getting to know this man and trust him. There’s no love at first sight. You need to take your time in the process.

Enjoy it.

3. You Might Be Too Picky

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In the years I’ve spent coaching hundreds of women to finding a happy, committed relationship, I’ve seen this over and over: sometimes women are too picky.

Yes, you need to be selective. If you know you want an intellectual guy, then a “bro” is likely not for you.

But there’s a difference between being selective and being overly picky.

If you’re still trying to find that mythical version of love I talked about at the beginning of the article, you’re going to be disappointed. You’ll vow that you’re giving up on love because it doesn’t exist.

But it does…you just have to loosen up your expectations.

I’m not saying you have to settle. But consider what you envision as your ideal mate. If you’ve made a list of what you’re looking for, is it overly detailed like this:

He will make $200,000 a year

His favorite color will be blue

He will be 6′ 3″, dark hair, green eyes

He will speak Swahili

Loosen up those expectations, lady! You may have met the guy that’s right for you, but because he didn’t fit your very exact specifications, you didn’t even look his way. Let go of trying to prescribe exactly what you want and focus on the high-level features:

He will be a good communicator

We will have things in common

He will make me laugh

His job, his looks, where he lives…none of that really matters if you love him. Am I right?

4. You Might Be Dating The Wrong Type of Men

Think back to the last few men you went out with. Was there a common denominator among them?

Maybe they were all commitment-phobes.

Or married.

Or young and immature.

So you ask yourself, “why do I keep dating the wrong type of men?”

Sometimes you get in a rut. You date one bad-boy motorcycle gang guy and you get used to it…so you date another.

Sometimes you’re actually afraid of opening up to the kind of man you will actually fall for (even though you tell yourself you’re ready for love).

Sometimes you just don’t think you can do better.

I’m going to challenge you here. Rather than giving up on love, I want you to break the mold. If you only date engineers who can’t open up to you, make sure the next guy is the polar opposite, like an artist.

Even if that guy isn’t The One, you will at least see what breaking your patterns feels like.

5. Love Isn’t an Easy Thing

There’s no roadmap to love, but sometimes there are bumps in the road.

It’s quite possible that you’ve found love in the past, but because it was challenging, you found yourself giving up on love before it fully had time to blossom.

Love isn’t easy. It’s messy and complicated. You will argue with this man. He will hurt you. You will hurt him. But in the long run, the feeling you have for him will make up for the small obstacles you face. And you’ll face them together.

So if you expect love to be butterflies and moonlight, I’m sorry to burst your bubble. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth seeking and holding onto. You just have to be willing to give it your all and make it thrive.

6. Trying Too Hard To Find Love Can Make It More Difficult To Find It

Maybe one of the reasons you’re giving up on love is that it just seems impossible to find.

“Adam, I put in a TON of energy into finding love. It’s just not there. No way.”

I know it’s counterintuitive, but sometimes when you try too hard, you push away the very thing you seek.

Let’s look at the Law of Attraction for a moment. The basic tenet is that you get back what you put out to the Universe. So you say,

“Oh Universe, I am so lonely. I NEED a man in my life. I WANT one so bad!”

All the Universe hears is “I am so lonely.”

Your desperation pushes away the love you seek. The Universe thinks you’re asking for more loneliness…and so gives it to you.

I encourage you to take a break from all the love-hunting you’re doing and just be right with yourself. Spend time nurturing you. Put down the phone and Tinder app and read a good book. Go out with girlfriends rather than reserving your Friday night for a potential date that doesn’t happen.

Forget about wanting to fall in love.

Because that is exactly when it will happen.

7. You’re Depriving Someone of Your Greatness

Don’t deprive some great guy out there of your wonderfulness!

Ya know, deciding that you’re giving up on love is kinda selfish, if you think about it. Because you’ve decided not to allow the possibility of love into your life, someone out there is also not receiving love. That man that is the one for you isn’t getting the benefit of your amazing self.

A relationship involves two people. You’re not the only one to reap the benefits of love. Somewhere out there is a man who is just as eager to find you as you are him. If you give up now, he’ll never find you. And that’s simply not fair!

8. Love Can Help You Learn More About Yourself

Another reason to resist giving up on love is that both the pursuit of love and actually being in it can teach you a lot about who you are.

Let’s first look at the pursuit of love. Being alone gives you the time and space to reflect on who you are and what you want. Are you the kind of person who will settle for a Good Enough relationship just to avoid being alone (NO!)? Or can you settle into being okay in your own company until you’re in a relationship with someone?

Being alone has a ton of benefits, including increased productivity and creativity. When you’re dating or in a relationship, you sometimes miss out on always doing what you want or having time to just think. Solitude brings you that, so rather than fearing being alone, try embracing it.

And when you do find love — which you will, I promise — you learn even more about yourself. You learn what you’re like as a partner, particularly to this specific person. Maybe you were one way with your ex (suspicious and nagging), but now you realize that was just who you were with him. With a partner you truly love and respect, you’re a better version of yourself. You might even be surprised at how amazing you feel and are, simply because you’re in love.

9. Love Can Bring Amazing Experiences and Happiness

Not giving up on love will change your life for the better.

Whether you’ve been in love before or never have, I guarantee it’s worth waiting for. You can’t in this moment fathom how much being in love will open up your world and your heart…but it will.

Right now you’re feeling sorry for yourself because you’ve dated guys who in no way were right for you. You probably tried to convince yourself once or twice that some of them were. But until you actually experience love, you can’t know what you’re missing.

So you’ll have to take it from me. Your life is about to unfold in incredible ways you never imagined possible. And once that happens, you’ll laugh when you remember back when you considered giving up on love and be glad that you didn’t.

So be willing to take a few bumps in the road now because your journey is going to get so much smoother in just a short time. Be patient. Be open.

Conclusion: Giving Up on Love Isn’t Really What You Want or Need

Deep down, you believe you will find true love. I know you do, or you wouldn’t be here.

Yes, dating can be frustrating. I get that. But realize you have the power to turn it on and off.

If you don’t have the energy to have the whole getting-to-know-you conversation with another guy right now, take yourself off the market for a while. Delete those dating apps and date yourself.

What I mean by that is: instead of waiting around for another human being to make you happy, start making yourself happy. Instead of building plans around an unknown future, make plans now for you.

If you’ve avoided buying a house because you want to wait until you get married, hop on Zillow and find the perfect house for you. That doesn’t mean you’re giving up on love. It means you’re prioritizing yourself right now.

If you sit at the coffee shop every day, hoping to catch the eye of a cute guy, go for a hike on your own and just be grateful for the wonderful life you have…regardless of whether there’s a man in it.

The more happy and fulfilled you are on your own, the more likely you are to attract love. As soon as you take your focus away from it, you’ll find it.

It’s silly, but that’s how it works.

So let’s get rid of this “giving up on love” attitude and simply shift your focus to making yourself as happy as you can be. Because you don’t need a man to be happy.

How do you cope when you feel like giving up on love? Share your frustrations with the Sexy Confidence community in the comments below.

A little boost never hurt in finding the man of your dreams. Sign up for my Attract the One webinar today and get tips on how to get the right man to emotionally chase you.

The post Giving Up On Love: 9 Proven Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Do It appeared first on Sexy Confidence.

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