#it looks like two here csuse i was still figuring it out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

i-am-my-own-goal · 3 years

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TLDR: Just processing. Any feedback is welcome if you are compelled to do so. Updates on my health and housing situation.

I’m really just using tumblr to process things anymore. However, I HAVE started cooking again and M and I have consistently Been going on walks. I’ll throw some pics at the end. I hit 200 on the scale again and haven’t stepped back on it in a month. I’m still struggling with stress eating and restricting and bingeing. All I ate yesterday was a soft pretzel before our 7 mile hike. We accidentally slept through dinner then a work emergency happened and we didn’t get to eat together, so I just didn’t eat. Now it’s 1pm and I’m in that restriction trap of “how long can I push myself” I know I should eat something. Anything. I also know I fall into a fast food trap when I drive back from M’s where I order a buncha food and binge eat before bed. I’m not in a good place mentally and struggling to care about not eating now and binging tonight.

I’m trying to figure out housing still. At this point, I’m angry that M’s mom moved in. I guess I wish she had said no to his offer. I wish he had given me more time to think about him asking his mom to move in. I wish I wasn’t so selfish because I really don’t think there was a better option. I’m angry thst im work from home and need space for an office. I’m annoyed that we use paper files instead of every other agency I worked at that was all electronic. An at house office then would have just consisted of a laptop and a whiteboard ...not a book case full of blank files and blank worksheets and bins upon bins upon bins of open files and closed files and referrals and holds.

I started looking at apartments closer to M because I can get a two bedroom for the price of a one bedroom by my job. But the affordable two bedrooms here aren’t in the best areas. I wanted two rooms csuse of my office. I found an apartment complex that’s in a safe area and also gated, but it’s the same price as by my job.

I’m realizing I don’t necessarily need two bedrooms. I just want to not look at my work stuff all day. I think I could manage with a one bedroom thst has a good size living room and I can put a partition up. Or find some way to hide my work stuff. I was thinking like, a curtain over the book shelf even.

But if I’m now looking at a one bedroom that’s the same price as by my work, is that irresponsible? I wanted to move closer to work to go to schools more often. But now that I’m closer, I’m finding it just as hard to make time to go and it’s because I’m still doing intakes at home. I’ve added an extra step.

Precovid:

1) go to school for an intake, pull attendance, meet with kids

2) go to office , finish intake, call parents of kids who were absent

3) update files

Covid

1) do intakes in the evenings

2) go to schools and pull attendance

3) go home and call parents of all kids

4) update files

Not a huge difference, but it’s a huge time difference. I met with my kids and got attendance because I’d just so happen to be at that school for an intake. Now it takes planning to get my attendance and time to call the parents.

I don’t see myself going to the schools more often than I am now. And summer is approaching.

So, I see M more than to to the schools. Is it irresponsible to then move closer to M? Is it more responsible to stay closer to my job just in case I need to go to a school?

I’d been prioritizing work over M. Now I’m feeling like I want to prioritize M over work. This job isn’t forever. It’s until I finish school. M is hopefully more long term. I’ve been really emotionally off since moving out. Add that his mom lives with him and it’s stressful being at his place. And my place isn’t any better and he can’t sleep over at my house because of my parents religious beliefs. Hence why i just go to him. We get more time together. There’s also more to do here (food, trails, etc). It’s just food where I am. Not many trails, only one free one.

We would alternate weekends if I moved closer to work so I wasn’t always going to him. But...if I’m not going to the schools...why would I be farther away from M? Because I feel obligated to be close to my job. Why? I want to make a good impression. I want to seem like work is all important. But is it? No. I like my boss and the pay. But I don’t like the job itself.

It’s shitty to say and def amplifies how much of a spoiled brat I am, but if for some reason it just didn’t work out, and I couldn’t find a new job up here and lost my job down there and couldn’t afford rent, my parents are still my safety net. I HATE that. But I could break my lease and move back in and start looking again.

But...I feel like that’s an extreme thought. I’d probably be able to find a job. Savings would back me up for a short time and I’d probably qualify for unemployment cause I’d never quit a job without finding a new job first. So I’d only lose mine if they let me go. I’m sure I’d manage rent or figure something out before I got evicted or something crazy.

So...I feel like my best choice is to move closer to M. I love this area because of the natural springs and trails and downtown area. The apartment is pricier but safe and really pretty and I can afford it without putting myself in a bind if there’s an emergency. For now, my job is stable and mostly remote.

I can’t tell the future. But I think There’s enough safety that if my job can’t keep me “post Covid” (if that’s ever a thing) because of the distance or if I don’t want to do that distance daily, I have time to figure out a new job.

I’m gonna put an application for This apartment.

#mental health #mental wellness #dating m

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