#it was like going to bed with a sniffle and running nose. hoping it'd go away and wake up with a throbbing sore throat instead

[elvesofnoldor]

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#mae overshares #i went to bed at around 3am and woke up at 7am. and i thought abt t//soa and i got really sad and i couldn't fall back to sleep again #im not supposed to feel this restless and awake with only three hours of sleep to show for #it was like going to bed with a sniffle and running nose. hoping it'd go away and wake up with a throbbing sore throat instead #next time i read a sad story again im not doing it alone. i gotta get it out of the system before it festers like this #but since ive done it alone. now im on tumblr dot com again. acting like a depressed clown of very little talents with words #i just...i had hope it wasn't going to be this bad. like. i knew the story of achilles and patroclus. it was common knowledge #and while i was still early on the story. when they were still at chiron's rose quartz cave. i kept telling myself 'remember they had this' #not everyone gets to grow up and live the most content and simple life with the love of your life. and they had that. and thats enough #what happened after this. is just life. with the mistakes. regrets and losses it will inevitably bring to them. as it did to everyone else #and it STILL hurt like a motherfucker when i read to the end of the novel. i feel very silly. it's a YA novel. doesnt seem to be worth it #there is so much i want to talk about in regards to the story. in regards to achilles' pride and selfishness #and how he's the real culprit behind his love's death. and how it is that knowledge and the pain it produces that drove him to madness #no sane person can handle so much pain and so much anger. it had to go somewhere. so it went to hector. it was pitiful #sure. grief is love preserving. but it will never explode the way achilles' did had it not been mixed with guilt #but anyways. it's been said a thousands times over. by other people. probably. i wouldn't elaborate further. nobody is reading anyways #i actually started reading t//soa because i couldn't keep reading lotr trilogy. that's what ive come to say. actually #now that everybody's stopped reading i can say it. im more embarrassed by the fact that i was not enjoying lotr #than i am by the fact that im emotionally devastated over a YA novel. im supposed to be tolkien fan #but you know what i love most about the stories tolkien produced? the legends left only in sketches and few lines of words #the ones left only in few broken manuscripts. in verses of lays of beleriand. in few lines of scribbled words. the elder days #as a child i always loved high tales. when i got annoyed at greek gods' cruelty and selfishness that's around the time i turned tolkien #the hobbits and their quaint way of life are fine. but they live in a time where all the tales i cared about are in the distant past #i just picked up t//soa at a time when i wanted a story like it. taking the matter of ancient songs and legends and make it flesh and blood #there are several tolkien fics i had in the planning stage. but the reasons i wanted to write them is because i want stories like t//soa #sure reading t//soa also inspired me to make improvements to my own story idea. it always happened when i read a story i really like #i started daydreaming my own manuscript. i instinctually started to imitate the style and the voice of the author #idk. maybe this time something substantial will come out of it. eventually.

[mooniefics]

— in the stars, down the styx

pairing : bertholdt hoover / reader

word count : 1.3k

tags : bittersweet, innocent love, star-crossed, pre-canon, angst in a soft way

summary : bertholdt made a promise to you, a vow that never once slipped his mind during all his years on paradis. he could remember your face like it was yesterday.

— originally posted 1 / 18 / 21 on ao3 —

"what do you think when you look up at the stars?"

he could remember that moment like it was yesterday—he could smell the cool evening breeze that had been whispering through the field that night, feel the flattened grass and firm ground pressing onto his back, hear that dreamy, almost faraway tone that you broke the silence with.

the official farewell ceremony was tomorrow, he'd been pulled in every which way for the past week by doting civilians, snappy military officers, and spent what little free time he had left over with his father, who could barely look at him without weeping, tears that made bertholdt feel a forlorn pang echo through his chest despite the pride that shone in his eyes. but that night, you'd come knocking at his bedroom window at an ungodly hour of the night, nearly startling him out of bed before he scrambled to unlatch it and push it open.

you didn't even give him a chance to question your unexpected appearance before you were leaning into his bedroom through the open frame, grinning impishly as you spoke. "get dressed, we're going on an adventure!"

you'd always been the unruly one in your friendship, constantly sticking your nose where it didn't belong, dragging him along for the ride when you could and the subsequent retreat that came when you were inevitably caught. but even when you were being scolded, or threatened with severe punishment, or dragged away by the arm by your mother, that infectiously jubilant smile never left your face, an eternal childish sparkle gleaming in your eyes. he always enjoyed your company, despite the trouble you brought. you never asked about the warrior program like the other children in his neighborhood, never worshipped him as a grand hero nor tried to prove to him that you were somehow above him in any way—you were just pleased to have someone to run about the streets of your hometown with you, even if it was only for a few days out of any given month.

he was sure you knew just as well as anyone that his mission would take years, and that he wouldn't return for a very long time, if he even returned at all. so instead of his usual routine of trying to talk you out of whatever scheme you'd concocted for the two of you, he simply nodded, quickly pulling on a jacket and slipping into his shoes before he climbed out of his window to join you outside, quietly shutting it behind him and hoping his father didn't wake up to come check on him.

his reply to your question had been simple, and he regretted how matter-of-fact he had been. "when i look up at the stars, i think of what they taught me in my science class. the stars are big, and they're far away, and the only one we can see in the daytime is the sun."

you had hummed in reply, staying silent for a moment as you gazed up at the cloudless night sky. there was a modest distance between the two of you, but your spread arms left your hands nearly touching, the warmth of you just barely reaching his skin. "when i look up at the stars, i think of all the people that i love."

he realized what had been wrong in that moment. you were far too calm, too quiet and small beside him, voice beginning to waver like a flickering flame.

"i don't know that many people, but even if i did, there'd be enough stars in the sky for all of them." your hand came into view, pointing in the vast, twinkling firmament hanging above you. "that one right there is for my mother, and that's for my father, then my grandmother, my grandfather.."

your finger strayed from the cluster you'd been naming off for the members of your family, settling on what seemed to be the brightest star of them all, barely speaking at a whisper. "and that one is for you."

he felt heat flush his pale cheeks, wide eyes gazing up at the star—his star. the flutter that had brought a light airiness to his chest faltered at the sound of your quiet sniffle, turning his head to the side just in time to catch the tear that slid down the side of your face and into your hair. you let out a weak giggle, your hand falling back down to rest at your side as you turned in the grass to face him. you were crying, soft features strained with such an unfamiliar sadness, but still you managed a wobbly smile, a hopeful gleam prevailing in your shining eyes.

"that island is so far away.. outside of liberio, all the way across the ocean, might as well be a whole different world than the one we live in." your fingers brushed over his, curling easily around them, "but no matter where you are, we'll always be under the same sky, right? we'll always see the same stars."

he barely managed a nod, wanting to burn the image of your face into his mind forever so he could never forget how you looked in this moment, hand squeezing tighter around yours. you scrubbed over your eyes with the back of your free hand, wiping away the wet streaks glimmering on your cheeks.

"come back soon, alright?" you told him, softly, the evening breeze carrying your words out into the unwavering sky.

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

bertholdt lay out on the open plain, just a short trek away from the cadet dormitories, gazing up at the clouded sky in the hopes that the overcast would part just enough for him to see the stars. he wondered what you were doing right now, what you looked like, whether you even remembered him and his star or not.

it'd been four years since he'd last seen you, he was sure that you had grown up much like he had in all that time, and he wouldn't hold it against you if you only thought of him as some distant memory. but he couldn't help but cling to that final image of you, that wordless promise he'd made to return if only for the sake of seeing you once more before he died. he had accepted that he would never get to experience the true joys of life, that he would never get to live out his days in peace as he'd so naively fantasized of as a child.

he watched the thick clouds drift aimlessly above him, still searching for just the smallest opening between them. "i wonder if it's cloudy in liberio, too." he spoke out into the silence, feeling the gentle wind flutter through the dark hair resting over his forehead.

he couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips when he finally caught a glimpse of the shining sky through grey, the small gap slowly but surely opening up to reveal just what he'd been searching for since he woken up so abruptly, lashes and cheeks wet with tears that he thought he only dreamt of shedding.

there, just before him, gleamed his star, just as bright as the night you'd gifted it to him. his hand was reaching for it, forefinger just barely grazing over it in his vision, drifting across to a smaller, equally radiant star just beside it. your star. you didn't know it was yours yet, but he would make it home to tell you, he had to make sure you knew.

what do you think of when you look up at the stars?

your words echoed across his mind, voice fading as the sky fell dark once again.

"i think of the person i love." he answered into the cool night air—to you—in the hopes that you would hear it in the stars.

#bertholdt hoover #bertholdt angst #bertholdt x reader #bertolt x reader #i love bertholdt #aot x reader #aot x you #snk x reader #snk x you #shingeki no kyoujin x reader #shingeki no kyojin fanfiction