#it's (thankfully) not a sign that my sleep apnea is so poorly managed that i'm not able to properly rest

[slippery-minghus]

ebery time i let myself doze off on the couch then wake up gasping, i tell myself i need to stop doing it.

but, reliably, every night, i get too sleepy and too comfy and can only convince myself to get up after i've dozed a little. i need a little sleep to give me the strength to get up. but then. i wake up. panicked and out of breath. i'm so fucking sick of it.

#it's minutes of sleep i could be getting properly. in bed with my nightguard in. if only i could get myself to bed ON TIME #but my bedtime routine is so long and complicated #it takes 20-30 minutes to get ready and i'm sleepy NOW. desperately sleepy. unable to keep my eyes open another second #i know it's just what happens when the melatonin gummy i took hours before finally kicks in #it's (thankfully) not a sign that my sleep apnea is so poorly managed that i'm not able to properly rest #but without the giant hunk of plastic i shove in my mouth every night #the instant my body goes slack with sleep my throat closes #and i wake up even more exhausted. feeling disgusting and rattled. #all because i greedily stole those few minutes of sleep #i just need to make myself deny the immediate satisfaction of dozing off when i Get So Sleepy #What's The Harm? i say every time. and every time i wake up gasping and full of rot #i can't deny myself the indulgence #i've been reading Dead Weight by Emmeline Clein and there's a poem or a metaphor here #somewhere in my fatness and my indulgence in things that hurt me and the way i must've done this all to myself by being fat #sleep apnea is a fat diseas after all right?? not the result of a genetic defect i inherited from my father #the very person who was the first to tell me i indulged too much #well look at me now paul. i indulge too much on sleep. i indulge too much on breathing. i learned from you but i still can't do it right. #you couldn't do it right either but it's still my fault that what you taught me is wrong. why didn't it magically work when it was me? #i may no longer be getting fatter—and this disease only started rotting within me after my weight stabilized in my early 20s—but i still #keep stuffing myself with indulgences i evidently don't deserve. they wouldn't hurt if i DID deserve them right? but i only continue to #cause myself harm. just like you said i always would didn't you dad? you're right that i'm doing this to myself #so desperate to give in to my body's needs. but those needs are Too Big. they take up Too Much Space.how could indulging them ever be right? #personal #okay i think my body has calmed down from suffocation panic now 🙃 #time to go through the grueling 30 minute process of getting ready for bed. maybe i'll even get to sleep on time