#it's SLIGHTLY easier w other autistics but even then it is fucking DIFFICULT

[yardsards]

somewhat recently found out that my habit of clinging to a trusted extroverted/outgoing friend like an orphaned duckling in social situations is straightup a trait of autistic masking and stuff has been making A LOT of sense since then

#eliot posts #like??? #i can track all of my high school friends back to one girl that took me under her wing and i clung to and befriended her friends #all of my *close* online friends can be traced back to my one cousin who i have been good friends with since we were young #and sometimes i meet someone else to cling to from the original person #in high school the baton got passed from that girl to a guy i still consider to be one of my besties #and w my online friends i no longer cling to one person specifically but that's more just how online group chats are set up #but god like. i have NO close friends in college #i have acquaintances #and ppl have told me i seem friendly and kind and approachable and i have learned so many scripts for polite small talk #but i don't know what to do after that part! #and then like online i don't have close friends outside of one or two branching circles #i have some mutuals on here that i think we're maybe friends but i'm not sure and it doesn't feel like CLOSE close friendship? #like no one i feel comfortable approaching out of nowhere and talking about my day to #i don't understand how so many people talk about having made close friendships through fandom #it seems cool i just. ????????? #and on that note i have no clue when to consider people friends! if it's too soon i come off as clingy if it's too late i come off as mean #and what social actions are appropriate to initiate at what levels of friendship??? #why is socialization so fucking hard??? #it's SLIGHTLY easier w other autistics but even then it is fucking DIFFICULT #though that's all moot cuz i can barely convince my shitbrain to message the friends i DO have #but like ugh i wish i could make some irl friends SO BAD #to go out and do shit with #i mean i do a lot of typically 'social' activities alone and have a blast not having to deal with anyone else #but some shit you just kinda need someone else there to have fun