#it's literally just some silly doodles in a sketchbook why can't I let people see. I've never thought anything bad about anyone else's art

[running-in-the-dark]

I know I've thought about this plenty of times before, but it really sucks being someone who likes things very intensely and defines themselves by their interests a lot, when you were/are always surrounded by people who do nothing but make fun of everything you like.

#just... man it fucked me up #all I want to do is talk about what I like but I can't because I 'know' everyone will make fun of me #my mother my father my brothers every other relative except my grandma #and of course everyone in school including the teachers #like fuck man I still don't know how to get over it #this comes back to me not being able to let people see my art #though in a weird way. because that was always the only #thing I ever got compliments for. even the people who bullied me liked my drawings. #so it became this Thing #this super mega important thing I NEEDED to be good at so that anyone would ever say anything nice to me #like it's all I am and all I ever was #and I'm objectively not that good at it!!! I have this horrendous inescapable fear that paralyses me when I'm drawing or painting #because it matters too much. my entire worth as a person is this because I have nothing else #idk I'm way overthinking this but it just feels really frustrating #it's literally just some silly doodles in a sketchbook why can't I let people see. I've never thought anything bad about anyone else's art #so why do *I* have to be perfect?? when that doesn't even exist?! #I hate myself so much