#my mother my father my brothers every other relative except my grandma

[running-in-the-dark]

I know I've thought about this plenty of times before, but it really sucks being someone who likes things very intensely and defines themselves by their interests a lot, when you were/are always surrounded by people who do nothing but make fun of everything you like.

#just... man it fucked me up #all I want to do is talk about what I like but I can't because I 'know' everyone will make fun of me #my mother my father my brothers every other relative except my grandma #and of course everyone in school including the teachers #like fuck man I still don't know how to get over it #this comes back to me not being able to let people see my art #though in a weird way. because that was always the only #thing I ever got compliments for. even the people who bullied me liked my drawings. #so it became this Thing #this super mega important thing I NEEDED to be good at so that anyone would ever say anything nice to me #like it's all I am and all I ever was #and I'm objectively not that good at it!!! I have this horrendous inescapable fear that paralyses me when I'm drawing or painting #because it matters too much. my entire worth as a person is this because I have nothing else #idk I'm way overthinking this but it just feels really frustrating #it's literally just some silly doodles in a sketchbook why can't I let people see. I've never thought anything bad about anyone else's art #so why do *I* have to be perfect?? when that doesn't even exist?! #I hate myself so much

[alwaysforevermaybenever]

YANDERE FARMER BOY: INTRODUCTION

× cw: general yandere stuff; getting lost; large families; implied scary relative; stalking; manipulation; murder; cannibalism

× note: kenji my beloved

⌗ A country bumpkin who just moved to the big city with his father, mother, four sisters, three brothers, grandparents, other grandparents, uncle, aunt, six cousins, dog, cats and cow. His family isn’t big at all, it’s normal sized! Your family is just pretty small, you know?

⌗ He was lost, wandering in the busy streets when you found him. He looked so pitiful and innocent: who in their right mind wouldn’t stop to help him? In the end, you directed him back to the apartment block he lived in with his family. (They brought up the entire floor.)

⌗ His family was so thankful they gave you their home grown watermelons - they’re super delish, and completely natural, unlike those supermarket fruits with nasty preservatives. 

⌗ From then on, you keep seeing this farmer boy everywhere! The park, the mall, the shopping centre, even in your neighbourhood! He must have a terrible sense of direction, huh? Either that, or he’s stalking you. 

⌗ But that can’t be it! Who’d think that? He’s a sweet summer child, with not a single mean bone in his body. Sure, he may be a little naïve, but he’s an honest and compassionate person. He treats everyone he meets with kindness and respect, and gains a lot of friends as a result. In fact, he’s already quite popular with the local community!

⌗ You think that after four months he’s pretty used to the city, but he still insists on you visiting him at his apartment - his siblings miss you! (So does he.) Everywhere you go, he’s right behind. You’re going to buy some groceries? What a coincidence: he’s been sent on some errands as well! Visiting the post office? He’s free right now, so he’ll accompany you!

⌗ If you ever try to excuse yourself from his clutches, he’ll attempt to guilt trip you into staying. His grandparents have been waiting to see you for a week already! His grandma even made your favourite snacks - won’t you visit? If that doesn’t work, he’ll resort to sticking to you like glue. It’s okay if you don’t know he’s there. He’s just protecting you, okay?

⌗ He loves to spend time with you, because you’re the person who noticed him and helped him! Everyone else ignored him because he looked poor, but you didn’t care about any of that! You’re such a blessing! He’ll be sure to treasure you forever and ever.

“Hehe, thanks so much, [Name]! You’re always so nice to me! I’ll be sure to repay you in every way I can.”

⌗ He may be from the country, but he’s no fool. He comes off as naïve, but that’s because he believes that he should only retaliate when the other person hits first. That way, it’s self defence!

⌗ Humans are scum. Of course, the only exception is his family and you, whom he loves with all his heart! He'll be overjoyed if you’d become part of his precious family too!

⌗ If anyone bothers you or even looks at you wrong, he’s already onto them. He may not be able to really read the room, but he still knows when someone holds hostile feelings or thoughts. After all, he knows plenty about hostility. The villagers were full of that hateful feeling when they drove out his family. That’s why they came to the city, y’know? But it’s not all bad; he met you!

⌗ Humans are like cows. They’re fat, and they make a lot of noise. They’re also quite dumb. Whenever a cow misbehaved in his old village, he would just give them a hearty slap. If that didn’t work, he’d knock them out. And if the cow continually made trouble, it became dinner’s beef. There are lots of similarities between cows and humans, actually!

⌗ Don’t worry if the beef patty tastes a little tough or gamey. Him and his mother assure you that it was just a really active cow. It mooed a lot, and ran around everywhere too! It was too bad the cow was getting too big, and too expensive to feed… Indeed, what a shame. 

⌗ His family can’t wait for you to move in with them! You practically sleep over with him everyday, why don’t you just stay there permanently? He’s a very (abnormally) strong boy, he can help you move all your things into an empty apartment! They have an empty unit anyway: it’s perfect for you to live in with him! 

⌗ His younger siblings are absolutely in love with you - each and everyone of his siblings claim that they’ll marry you when they grow up, but he’s quick to scoop you up in his arms and proclaim himself as your future husband! Wouldn’t that be a dream come through? Oh no, now the cousins are here too! They’re all clamouring for your hand in marriage! In the commotion, he whisks you away to kiss you feverishly (he’s jealous).

⌗ His parents live in the first unit with his youngest brother, and his brothers and sisters live in their respective apartment units. His uncle and auntie have their own apartment, as do his cousins and their two units. His grandparents have a unit, and his other grandparents have one too! With you and your lovely farmer boy sharing a unit, that makes nine units in total!

⌗ But wait, doesn’t this apartment complex have ten units per floor? As long as you don’t inquisitively ask about unit ten at the end of the hall, or the rotting stench that seems to waft from it, everything will be fine and dandy! You don’t need to know about the family’s extra beef stash.

“You make me super happy, [Name], and I’d love to spend the rest of our lives together. You’re always helping me, so I’ll make sure to repay that a thousand times over. Imma make you so happy, you’ll never wanna leave me!”

#yandere #x reader #yandere x reader #my oc #yandere oc #yandere boy #yandere male #yandere x y/n #yandere x darling #farmer boy #babey boi #<3 #tw yandere #male yandere #male yandere x reader #yandere farmer

[amiramorozova]

Soulmates? pt. 11

Pairing: Dual Summoner Amira Silina x Vampire Darkling General Kirigan/ Aleksander Morozova

wordcount: 1303

I realized while standing there with Baghra in the forest that she had lived a long life and my grandmother was probably around the same age as her if they had known each other when they were little girls. I wondered what that meant for me, for my father...he would outlive my mother. Grandmother would outlive my grandfather and even then we were here. The thought hurt me more than I cared to imagine it would.

I needed to figure out how to keep them both alive for as long as possible, any friends I would have I knew were only fleeting beings if they were human. The idea that Grisha aged so differently than humans still bothered me. I have attached to the idea of humanity something other Grisha could not understand. We lived such long lives and yet humans were just mortal and full of life. 

"You and my son are two different people, I don't see how he is your soulmate." Baghra said, snapping me out of my thoughts as I knew that was true. I sighed as I started to walk away just wanting to go home, I didn't care at the moment if I felt the tingling signaling that he was close. "Thank you for the training , Baghra." I said as I kept walking.

I don't know how far I went but I kept looking over my shoulder realizing I might have gone the wrong way. I thought I'd turned toward the house but instead, I was getting lost and it was getting dark. Every noise made me jump now cause I didn't know if I was close or not. I started to run faster as I soon bumped into someone looking up meeting his gaze. I was afraid at first but when I saw Aleksander I calmed down.

"Amira, you're out here in the forest. Do you know how dangerous it is?" Aleksander asked

I opened my mouth to say I was training with Baghra and I must have taken the wrong way but nothing came out. He sighed as he picked me up and then before I knew it we were outside my grandmother's house. I realized just how useful his powers were and I was thankful it was him and not someone else. "Be more careful next time." Aleksander said 

I knew that I needed to be careful but as he led me to the door I was quiet. I had a feeling something in the woods was watching me in the shade. Something that might be like him but didn't have the same power to get out in the sun. Grandmother Catalina answered the door and I went over to her as she hugged me. "Baghra said you got emotional and started leaving by the time she went after you she couldn't find you." Grandma Catalina said, then I felt her look behind me. "It's a good thing you were able to find her General, who knows what could have happened." 

"The woods are not safe for any Grisha, especially one with the power of sun. Were one of the vampires outside the fold they would want a taste of the blood that could give them time in the sun." Aleksander said to Grandma. I looked at him knowing he was the only vampire that I knew of outside of the fold that no one knew about except his mother. Maybe all these deaths were not all of him but he was unsure who it was either from the look. "Would you consider joining the 2nd army, Amira?" Aleksander asked 

He can't be serious? If I went there then I would leave everyone here with the sun in danger. I thought 

"No, not unless I don't have a choice." I said as Grandma left us to talk and since he'd already been invited I had no choice but to tolerate him. He stood where I could look at him "You don't get it, do you? Sunlight may harm them but you are a walking target being my soulmate." Aleksander said as I just wanted to refuse. "You're coming to the little palace where you can stay safe. You put the other sun summoners at risk if you keep staying and it won't be long that those who dislike me that are like this will kill all you care about till you're the last one standing." 

I was shocked hearing that but that made me reconsider a lot more than I was already going on. I needed to protect them but I didn't want to leave either because it felt like I was going to give up my freedom. "Fjerdans are hunting Grisha, you draw quite a lot of attention." Aleksander said as I sighed a bit. I'd heard of Fjerdan hunters looking for Grisha but then I heard someone walk-in "She's not going alone." Aidan said 

We both looked over at my brother knowing he was just a squaller but that was where his powers differed from mine. Adrian walked in as he was visiting with aunt Analise. "We want to protect her too but we can't do that if she leaves." Adrian said. I backed away as I remembered the fete and what happened. "No, I'll just go to another town and make due. I don't need your help or the little palace." I said 

"Amira, please. Your safety is important and the little palace is the best place.." Aleksander said as he reached for my wrist but I backed away. I knew what the shadow summoners were, living amplifiers and I didn't need that right now. "You saved me and for that I am grateful but no." I said

Looking at me I had never seen someone so annoyed by the fact I could refuse, I would lead and defend this family. I would face the Fjerdans and protect this house if I had to, they wouldn't be coming after this family. "You cannot do this alone." Aleksander said as Adian and Adrian got on each side of me. "She's not alone, she has us to help her." They said 

Aleksander was not threatened by my blood relatives but what he didn't like was the fact I was still holding strong to refuse to go to the little palace. We were not going to be dealing with the little palace. We were not his Grisha, we belonged to ourselves but he grabbed my hand pulling me to him. "I cannot lose you after finding you, I've waited so long for you and now you're within reach and yet you refuse." Aleksander said, "I built the little palace so people, our people could be safe and here you want to stay like this."

"Coming from someone who never changes his life and leads every time. I don't need your pity." I said with a slight glare as I was ok with being alone if that was how it had to be. "There is another party coming around, the annual masquerade party. Say you'll come and let me have a dance with you." Aleksander said as I knew he was not going to give up on having his soulmate and for now, I could humor him. "Fine, I will go." I said 

"Excellent, I'll be sending your dress for the event and then we can discuss more on your time." Aleksander said as noticed it was dark and kissed the top of my hand. "Good Night Amira, please get some sleep." I felt my heart twitch and knew we'd shared a kiss but that wasn't what bothered me. I was holding strong as I knew it was best this way. "Good night, have a safe trip back." I said as he left and I went to take a bath before heading to bed. 

Taglist: @lifeisingrey

#vampire #the darkling #darkling #team darkling #darkling x reader #aleksander morovoza #general kirigan #dual summoner #Amira Silina #ben barnes #baghra morozova #sunsummoner #shadow and bone #grishaverse #shadow and bone fanfiction #shadow summoner #tidemaker

[fethrybestduck]

Duckverse Canon is a Lie

Dear duck fandom; We have almost 80 years of duck comics, starting with good ol’ Carl Barks back in the 40s. It’s absolutely fascinating how well these characters can hold up and with a little “translation” they look as fresh and actual as always!

So, even if there’s a high budget show right now (that is bringing more people into the fandom which makes me very happy) only time will tell if the characters they changed a lot will “stick” or not... Some characters, like Gladstone, organically evolved with the decades; every modern depiction of Gladstone shows a character way more likable and complex than the original half-goose. Same goes for Gus, who originally couldn’t even talk!

Back to my point... One of the beauties of this fandom is how loose our canons are, different authors wrote characters differently, different cultures changed the ducks and Duckburg for them to be more relatable and some characters evolved completely different in different countries (We have an artistic and smart smooth talker Fethry in Brazil, a naive and very childlike Fethry in Italy and a creepy more focused on the weird and crazy side of the character in the Dutch version of him!) 

And isn’t that AMAZING!?

I know a lot of hardcore fans considers Don Rosa’s canon the “canonest”... But even Barks alone wrote some Scrooges being likable and some being downright evil!

Without Brazil, Italy, and the Europeans exclusive comics we wouldn’t have Fethry or a likable Gladstone! Or cousin shenanigans, or the base for Della’s personality for DT, or two more comics featuring Abner Duck (who’s a Barks’ canon character), or obscure characters that I love like Gideon McDuck and Kildare Coot!

Also, Goldie O’Gilt being an adventurer instead of a starving old lady at Scrooge’s mercy, Magica being a complex and badass female character, Elvira having adventures on her own, and a lot of other great strong female characters like Brigitta, Gloria, Dickie, Quackfaster...

So, my dears; there’s no such a thing as a Duckverse canon. Duckburg is a Frankenstein of ideas, decades, and cultures and its a true laboratory on character development! Just take whatever you like from a canon and glue with one another, because that’s what the writers were doing since always! In Brazilian canon, Duckburg is a mere bus trip from Rio de Janeiro!!!

So, you wanna make a story/fanart where DT 2017 version of the triplets need to help Darkwing duck fight against the Fearsome Four who are being paid by comics version of Flintheart Glomgold... and somehow the boys have Count Duckula as an ally!? GO. WILD. You don’t need an AU for that, that’s how things work ‘round these parts! Okay, maybe Duckula is an exception but we adopted him so it’s alright...

Duckverse was always chaos, people used to create random relatives and change the rules for Gladstone’s luck to work every comic... In some comics, Donald can’t cook an egg (Heresy!!!) and Fethry hates nerdy/geeky stuff... (Also heresy!!!)... And Gladstone’s mother and father? Is he adopted? Who the hell are Shamrock’s parents? ...What about Donald being adopted by Grandma and Scrooge, who sometimes are also brothers? You see, absolute utter chaos. In the end, what matters is that you’re having fun!

THE CANON DOES NOT EXIST

GO TRANSCEND IT

#duckverse #duck comics #ducktales #analysis

[lyndiscealin]

Kevin Day and my take on anxiety (disorder)

So... this is bothering me for a few weeks now. The following post will be more about me and my own problems than about Kevin’s. 

I write this because I had a false picture of Kevin for a long long time, which is entirely Neil’s fault. Or it’s my fault mainly because you never should believe what people tell you about other people. Only because Neil says that Kevin is a coward it doesn’t mean he is. So let me tell you why my own nervous breakdown opened my eyes and let me tell you some things about my own anxiety disorder I discovered only a few weeks ago.

But before that, I will explain you why Neil thinks Kevin is a coward. The facts are these: Kevin grew up relatively sheltered. Yes there was some abuse but it’s nothing compared to Neil’s or Andrew’s childhood, right? Yeah I think we kind of are on the same page here. Kevin’s childhood was far from nice or sheltered, but Neil and Andrew had it so much worse. And they turned out kind of brave and Neil seems relatively fine if you think about it.

But let us step a bit back. In our culture we have a really weird take on mental disorders. For us it is okay that Andrew sometimes is not able to function, it’s understandable, because he had it so bad. And we can fully understand that Neil is afraid of older men and can’t accept gifts without having a mental breakdown. But we are not able to comprehend that Kevin has a meltdown when only thinking that he could perhpas meet Riko. With two guardians at his side, with a lot of people watching so there is no way that anything could possibly happen even if Riko would be stupid enough to try something. And that is not understandable because rationally there is no threat, nothing to really worry about. Why can’t Kevin see it? Why can’t he be like Neil or Andrew? Why don’t we get that people can’t control what part of our brain breaks if we get hurt? Let us step even further away. Did anyone you know ever told you they sometimes can’t get out of bed? And you thought perhaps ‘why? Your life is good, no big drama in your family or anything particularly bad happened to you. Why are you depressed? Why can’t you function properly?’ If so, I have an answer for you: Our society treats mental illnesses differently to physical insuries. It’s in all our heads that you have to have a trauma for ‘being allowed’ to get mentally sick. There are people who fall out of a window on the second or third (or even higher) floor and they are okay. And we say ‘oh wow that was luck’. And then there are people who slide on the last step of a stair and break their ankle and their hip and their arm. Nobody says ‘but you just fell down one step??? How are you not able to hold it together? How did you break all those parts of your body? WTF dude?’. No, we accept that it happened, because we can see that it did. We have proof. Someone telling is ‘I broke my arm three years ago’ isn’t proof. We have to believe this person. Someone telling us ‘Nothing really bad happened to but my brain broke nevertheless’ can’t be proven either.

So... it depends a bit on the circumstances. If you fall there are circumstances, too. How good are you at catching yourself? Are you quick enough to grip something which can hold you up? Are you carrying something with you and on instinct you cling to it instead of letting it go and save yourself from the fall? Were you tired so your reactions are slower? Was your body angled weirdly before your fall because you were talking to someone? Is your bone structure alright?

It is the same for mental issues. There are circumstances and every individual lives in other circumstances. For someone who lived very sheltered being yelled at for the first time can be a traumatic experience. There are different coping mechanisms which develope pretty individually and without much control.

Everyone seems to get that there may be people who are just clumsy, but there are not much people who understand that there are some people who can’t defend themselves because they don’t know how. 

So let’s get back to Kevin: Even if the hand breaking was the first cruel thing Riko did to him, Kevin’s psych could have broken nevertheless. And it would be valid. Even if Riko just insulted him from time to time, it could have broken Kevin and it would be valid.

But Neil and Andrew are protecting him! - You might think. There is where my story comes in. So sit back and let me tell you a bit about anxiety disorders. You might know where this is going about now, I will tell anyway.

Let’s inspect my circumstances:

I was born sensitive. I am not sure if this is a genetic thing (I think it isn’t, my family has no sensitiv or empathic bone in them). Recent studies show that new borns try to please their mother so they will get fed. If I don’t mix anything there it is even more obvious with premies,  but I forgot why. I was born nearly 3 weeks early. I don’t know if this is true, but it would explain SO MUCH.

I was one of this babys who are really, really quiet. My mother tells stories about her checking in on me when I slept because she was afraid I had died in my sleep. I nearly never cried and always kept myself entertained. Not much work there.

But I turned out to be a pretty normal kid. There are stories about me getting my bigger sister in trouble and such things.

But then I got this eating disorder. No one knows why and I can’t remember properly. I can remember one day where my sister tried to trick me into eating dinner and I remember being annoyed by it because I knew what she was doing, but I can’t remember why I didn’t want to eat anything. I was fairly young. I don’t know if I was going to kindergarden at the time. So perhaps I was 3? Maybe 4?

Of course my mother was pretty worried. And then this friend of hers told her she should stop putting tableware for me on the table. And when I asked she should say ‘You won’t eat with us, why should I put it on there?’ I can’t remember this day, but every time my mother tells this story, she is proud because she fixed the issue. And I think she did something really horrible there. I don’t blame her. She didn’t know better and she was worried her child might stop eating altogether. But... but a child can’t understand this, right? ‘If I don’t behave like they want to I won’t get something to eat’ might be what I was thinking when she did this. It would make sense. Because I was a really angsty child. There are stories of me not even going to my grandma (who lives in the same house as my parents). I remember being afraid of using the wrong shampoo. I was so afraid of getting in trouble for things normal kids did without thinking about it. My mother has a short temper and she is pretty good in making you feel guilty, but none of my other siblings were as afraid as I was. I was terrified. 

And then my mother got depressed. I don’t know why, I don’t know what happened and I don’t know exactly when it happened but I remember being in 7th or 8th Grade and explaining to my teacher that I fucked up an announced and pretty easy test because my mother had a nervous breakdown a few days earlier. And that wasn’t the starting point of all of it. It began months perhaps years prior. in 8th Grade I was 14 or 15. (I was bullied in school, too, but that has nothing to do with my anxiety and I got over that about 10 years ago, so I will skip this part)

Because I was the sensitive one I was the only one who told other members of my family that whatever my mother did, she couldn’t help herself. I didn’t know what mental illnesses were yet, so I told the others she was pretty stressed and tired. My mother doesn’t know about this. She doesn’t know that for years people came to me to complain about her and I tried to defend her. She had huge fallouts with my sister and my father and my grandmother. Again and again and again. My sister moved out before it got really bad. I don’t even know how much she knows about what happened in the house. 

My mother never did anything more than yelling. She never beat us, she never took away our meals. She tried to be a good mother, I know this. She taught us how to swim and how to ride a bike. She got us through school and all three of us went to university (they are free in my country, she couldn’t have afforded the fees of an amarican university).

But she was emotionally abusive. My whole teenage life I felt like it was partly my fault that she was hurting so much. Because I couldn’t do it right. She never cumminicated enough with us. And every time something went wrong she yelled at us and made us feel like we were a burden. And there was more and more that went wrong because I was so afraid of doing something wrong that everytime I had to ask my mother of something, I waited until the last possible time. Until today my mother thinks I am unreliable and unorganized, but in reality I am obsessive with all my tasks and the only reason I was sloppy as a teenager was because I didn’t had the courage to ask my mother things. 

There ware months (perhaps a year or two even) where she seemed to do nothing but yell. I now call it the ‘divorcing phase of my parents’. They are still married but whenever I hear someone say how their home was a year before their parents divorced I think ‘Oh, that was this thing that happened there’. My parents still live together. Because you don’t give up on family.

That’s the other side of my family and until this year I was kind of proud about this fact: We are holding together. If someone is in need of help, he gets it. Or at least it seemed that way. Turns out that first of all: This is only for non mental things. When I first talked with my mother about my own depression she told me I shouldn’t go to a therapist because they were evil (that’s the short of the speech she gave me).  Second of all: I don’t even know how I should call this. Or how to explain. let’s say... there are a lot of exceptions to this rule and sadly my brother and I fell out of this rule pretty damn often. Third: Helping in need doesn’t mean being nice to each other the rest of the time. I would rather take it the other way around if I’m being honest. It would be shitty still but I can handle my own problems. I can’t bear my familiy....

In the 10 years or so where she was sick and kind of unbearable there was one rule in our household: Don’t get your mother angry. NEVER!!!!

And because my mother got used to it that her emotions were the most important of us all she stopped caring about others emotions. At least it seems like it. Let me give you some of her greatest hits, she told me in my face (it will sound a bit fake because I have to translate it from the german in my head to understandable english without losing information):

You don’t want to see your sister? What happened this time? Really, I can’t stand this right now. 

You are crying because you are afraid of the exam tomorrow? You can’t not write it, you would need even longer for your bachelors degree.

(When I had 2 days every week were I was out of the house from 8:20am until 9:30pm, two days from 8:20am to at least 5pm and had fridays off from university but had to do my homework and other prep still; and she all but worked for 30 hours a week): You never do anything in the household! Every time I come home it looks shitty! You have the weekends off, do something!

And then a week later after I didn’t eat more than one slice of bread each day and she asked me why and I couldn’t say ‘because of her’ because NEVER GET YOUR MOTHER ANGRY!!!! I told her that I was worried about my grades at University so I had some reason for feeling shitty that didn’t involve her... she told me that I had to get my ass up and study more because apparantly I had my weekends off so I had to do something on these days...

After the fall out with my sister which finally got me to go to therapy my mother told me that she wouldn’t get involved in any of our interpersonal problems anymore and that she expected us to behave around one another because we all are family and can be expected to get along (the translation of this sentence is: if you don’t keep swallowing the shit your sister does to you and say another word I will get really angry (AND YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO GET YOUR MOTHER ANGRY!!!!)) She also told my sister that she was grateful my sister lived so far away and they weren’t able to see each other that much

So over time this whole ‘don’t get your mother angry’ thing muteted to ‘shut the fuck up because if you have a problem I get angry.’

This is my context (it is a lot I’m sorry)

But for 6 years now I don’t live with my parents anymore. My mother is better now, the last two years I visited regularly and we even had kind of fun together. I stopped talking with my mother about important things in my life. I still don’t get along with my sister because everything I am she either doesn’t understand or detests greatly (she hates that I am still a student after 10 years (I never took a dime from my family for going to university... just to be clear. I earn my own money since before I moved out))

But it was okay. We got along, most of the visits were pretty nice.

And then corona happened. Not because one of my family members got sick. We are healthy as can be. No... but because of corona I stopped visiting. Additionally my sister got a child.

I called my mother, father and grandmy regularly, everything was fine. I was so well me and my therapist talked about ending therapy. I was happy.

And then I heard that my sister still wanted to get her child baptised and wanted to make it a family event. With 12 people overall.

I didn’t want to come, because for me it was too dangerous. And because it wasn’t just the church visit, it was visiting a restaurant too. No possibility to wear a mask all day, keep distance... a fucking restaurant.

To her defense it was well planned. Both families (hers and her husband’s) were at seperate tables and it was in a seperate room from the rest of the restaurant. The possibility of someone getting sick was low. But it was there. And I was terrified so I said ‘No’.

I talked to my therapist first for a professional opinion on things and he too said it was okay to say no because of the corona situation. He advised me to write an e-mail so I did. I had anxiety attacks for 3 days while I wrote this mail. I let 10 or so people beta read it. I talked to friends if it really was okay to say ‘no’ because I was about to hurt my sister pretty bad with this. AND YOU DON’T HURT YOUR FAMILY!!! YOU JUST SHUT UP AND DO WHAT THEY WANT!!!!

On the day I sent the mail to my sister (and a copy to my parents so there was no ‘he said she said’ situation) my father called me. He was furious. How could I? My poor sister! My mother was also furious. How could I do this? I shoudl think about this. You are afraid? You can’t be afraid all your life you have to take risks and this isn’t even a risk you are ridiculous. It’s still 3 weeks until the event, think about it. He ended the call after 10 minutes with ‘I have to go, I am starting to cry’.

I couldn’t stop walking after this for hours. I walked miles in my apartment. I cried and cried and walked and hyperventilated. I don’t know what I would have done if not for my roommate who held me together somehow. I turned my phone and my mobile off, I was terrified to look into my e-mails. I hurt my family, all of them... I feld like dying. I can’t explain this feeling. This one phone call destroyed me. Completly. And I was better then... I had wanted to... ending therapy wasn’t an option now (and god was I glad we hadn’t decided to end it)

And this was only my father. My sister called me a week later or so. To her defense she really tried to be understanding. She wasn’t, but she tried. She didn’t yell, she didn’t even tell me that she had cried (she did, my grandma told me later) ... she really tried... but she also said that I should call my mother because she was ‘worried’ about me. My brother later told me, that my mother expected a call from me. I waited. Terrified. One panikattack after the other. The babptism went by... My grandma called and told me she wanted to kill my therapist for making me abandon my family. (never told her I even talked with him about the situation, she just assumed)

I somehow lived through her accusations and we ended the call on kind of good terms? But she told me I should call my mother. She wasn’t mad jsut worried. I didn’t want to. I waited.

I missed 4 calls of my mother and on friday I called her back. 5 weeks after I send the mail. I won’t tell you how the call went. It isn’t the point. I think I overshared enough here. It wasn’t pretty, but I have to come back to my point here.

After hearing this story you may imagine what a lot of my friends said: Just shut them out of your life.

But I can’t. My flatmate and all of my friends would help me through it, but I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. They threw everything away what I build the last years with them onyl because I didn’t went to the baptism (my family is not really religous btw. This isn’t about their believe. It’s because it was a family event and I opted out). I am at the end of my tether. But I can’t end it. Because I am terrified.

Because my brain is screaming at me that I can’t do this. I can’t.... I can’t... I can’t. And the longer I wait til my next visit the worse it will get.

I am stuck. My therapist and I try to work on it but it is difficult. There are so much layers of problems there, we aren’t through all of them and I am panicking everytime I have thoughts about my family. And I am angry. I am so, so angry. But I can’t do anything.

I am not a coward, I now this. I grew up in a family I had to duck my had to live. I moved out, started my own life, will get my masters degree in computer science at some point, I go to work like a normal human being and I am able to keep myself together. I am not a coward because the anxiety I feel was forced on me. I am mentally sick. All my coping mechanisms which helped me survive my childhood home are useless now and stand in my way.

I am not spineless. Visiting my family again is the most terrifying thing I ever did even if I know that nothing will happen there. No one will hurt me physically. I will go there and after a few hours I will come back to my home and my cats and everything will be fine. I know this. But I keep having panik attacks. I am still furious. I am terrified. And I feel powerless. Rationally I know that I have all the power here. My family is terrified of me breaking the bonds. I know that. It’s so much leverage, but I can’t use it. I just can’t...

I am not even able to ask my mother to one of my therapie sessions. So my therapist could help me say a few things.

I am terrified of Christmas. I don’t want to go. But I don’t know how to say ‘no’.

So back to Kevin.  I know how he feels when he is forced to see Riko again. I know the feeling. And he is not a coward or spineless; because he goes to games against the ravens, he goes to the banketts and in the last book he gets rid of the number and faces Riko on the court, spits some japanese which makes Riko furious and wins the fucking game. Only because Neil and Andrew can cope better with their Anxiety doesn’t mean Kevin is a coward. After everything I went though the last 12 weeks, I can say loud and clear: Kevin Day is a fucking hero And he has my respect. I hope one day I can get free of my boundaries, too. 

#Kevin Day #Aftg #Anxiety #Anxiety Disorder #all for the game #not a coward #why am i sharing this? #am i stupid #dont hate me #i will have some panik attack now #i overshared too much #i am sorry #i hate family events so much #i dont wanna go

[torisfeather]

Flufftober 4 - Fake Dating

Prompt by @vex-bittys

Read it on fanfiction.net or AO3

-----------------------------------------

Wooh, this one was not easy, but I managed to finish in time! It's the first time I'm writing fake dating, so I don't know if I did okay ^^'

Anyway, this one is Roman, Remus, Patton and Logan. So... Intruloroyality? I don't know at this point XD

-----------------------------------------

Okay, you've got this, Roman thought, that night, at the dinner table, and showed his best smile for his grandma.

He felt so awful, and it felt like everyone at the table could tell how uncomfortable he was. He couldn't even look at his brother or their friends, Patton and Logan, for too long.

Which was bad, because he was supposed to be Patton's boyfriend.

It had started maybe a month ago. When their obnoxious homophobic aunt Beth had tried to introduce them to yet another girl she knew – a coworker's daughter, or cousin, or sister, it didn't matter.

At that point, Roman almost believed she had selective deafness. He and Remus had told her, over and over again, that they were gay, didn't want to meet girls, especially not when she was planning dates for them. Aunt Beth was still 100% convinced this was just a phase and that they could be "fixed".

So when she brought another miss-what's-her-name to their place without their consent, Remus had cracked and yelled: "You can't stay because we're having a gay orgy with our boyfriends tonight!"

Roman had honestly thought that would be enough. Surely their aunt wasn't around his brother enough to be used to the gross nonsense he blabbered all the time.

But it hadn't deterred her. The orgy part, at least, she realized was just a joke. "You don't have boyfriends," she had said, her chin raised in contempt. "I would have known already! You're single and you can give a chance to Natalia here."

"No offense, miss," Roman had said at the lady, who just nodded, looked quite bored. "We are not single. We're dating… uh…"

"Logan and Patton!" Remus panicked.

"Uh, yeah! You know, our classmates?"

"I thought you said they were dating each other?" Aunt Beth said, suspicious.

"No, we said they were dating us! Have you had your hearing checked, Auntie?" Remus asked, and cackled when Aunt Beth gasped in outrage. "What if a bee got inside your ear and started making a nest inside your skull, and that's why you never hear us?"

"Well, I hope you're happy for wasting such a nice girl's time!" she had cried, and promptly vacated the place, followed by the girl.

The twins had high-fived each other and then the rest of the night was spent arguing over what movie they were going to watch to celebrate.

But it couldn't be that simple, right?

Because the twin's mother was very close to Aunt Beth, and so had questioned her sons when she heard about their "boyfriends". Roman and Remus's mom was way more tolerant than her relative, but she was also a gossiper and she couldn't know it was a lie, or she's rat them out immediately. So the twins told her the exact same lie.

Their mother of course told all of her side of the family, as well as their father, who told his side of the family, and now all of their relatives thought they were dating their childhood friends.

So that wasn't ideal, and Roman thought of coming clean, or at least "breaking up", but Remus won him over arguing as long as they believed that, their aunt and any other relatives would stop trying to set them up with people. Which, honestly? Worth it.

And then winter break happened.

Every winter break, the twins and their parents would fly a couple states north, where their grandparents lived, and spend the holidays there with the rest of their family. And it was always expected from the younger people to bring any significant other at least once during that time.

They could have said Logan and Patton were too busy or had other plans, but the twins' grandparents were so adamant they contacted Logan and Patton's own parents to ask for them to join the family reunion, and not knowing anything about the situation, they all agreed on one week.

When they told Logan and Patton what the whole deal was, they were surprisingly calm about it. Logan, especially, thought this was one solution. Patton, of course, bless his little heart, wanted to come clean and apologize, but after Remus begged him not to unleash their aunt on them again, he took pity and agreed.

So Patton would pretend to be Remus's boyfriend, and Logan would act as Roman's. What could go wrong?

Several things, actually. Starting with everyone's ability to act. Roman, of course, was fine on that part. He was a theater kid and he knew what romance looked like. Patton was also pretty good at being all lovey-dovey, except he tended to look nervously at Logan whenever Remus tried something, because he was scared of Logan being jealous.

And Remus tried a LOT. He was a pervert pretending to romance a grey-asexual. And it showed.

As for Logan, well, he wasn't uncomfortable with Roman's flirting, but…

"Roman, your existence is greatly appreciated."

… He was the WORST actor Roman had ever met.

Okay, fine! It was fine! Their relatives were all kind of dumb anyway. The twins' parents didn't notice anything during the trip, and so far it seemed the charade was working.

Except, as days went by, another problem arose.

Roman had probably flirted a little too much. Or maybe it was all the time spent together. Or maybe it was from sleeping in the same bed.

In any case, he had started crushing on Logan.

Okay, not just on Logan. Patton too.

Which was a big no-no. No, you don't get a crush on childhood friends who are already dating each other. Especially in a situation where they are away from home, and thus already vulnerable and/or uncomfortable.

But he couldn't help it. To be fair, he had always been very close with the two. Just not that close. Not enough to notice how cute Patton's sleepy bed-head was, or how gentle Logan was when he was hesitant or stressed, or how warm Patton was when he was hugging him in the morning, or how hot Logan was with his glasses off.

Now he couldn't look at them without thinking "what if", and feeling itty-bitty butterflies in his tummy.

And he was certain everyone in the house could tell. And that was not how he was supposed to act right now.

So he kept his head low, trying not to draw attention to himself, which was very unlike him. And that night, at the dinner table, the boys had had enough.

"I apologize for interrupting, but I believe I have misplaced my phone and I am waiting for a very important call. May I leave the table?"

"Oh, of course Logan," their grandmother had said.

Logan stood and looked at Roman. "Would you mind helping me, Roman?"

"Uh…"

"Come on, you two hurry up, okay?" his cousin said.

Logan grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the corridor and up the stairs. Once they were out of hearing distance, he stopped and turned to Roman. "Now, please tell me what is bothering you."

"What? Nothing! I'm great, let's go look for your stupid phone…"

"Roman, in the past two days you have displayed an increase in signs of stress, you are not doing 'great'. And also, the phone thing was a falsehood."

Roman rolled his eyes. "Logan, just because you took a psychology class doesn't allow you to analyze me, and for the last time, I am okay. Now let's go back."

"I don't think that's right…" Patton's voice said from behind him.

Roman turned around and grimaced as Patton and Remus joined them. "Guys, seriously, you're making a big deal out of nothing!"

"Hey, I didn't say anything!" Remus argued. "You do look like you stuck a lightbulb up your ass and you're scared of it breaking at any point and turning your insides into a bloody purée, though."

"Great, super helpful bro…" Roman sighed. They were all looking at him, and they couldn't spend too much time or someone would come find them, and he couldn't tell them or he'd just make everyone feel bad, and it was all too much. He angrily ran his hands in his hair, pulling a couple time, closing his eyes. What the fuck was he supposed to do?!

"Okay, okay, let's calm down first…" Patton said, and now his hands were on his arms, and he was being so gentle. Roman let the others guide him into the closest room and sit him on the bed. "Now, it's okay Roman, you can tell us…"

"No…" he said stubbornly.

"Roman, we will love you no matter what the problem is, you can trust us!" Patton insisted.

"I promise, it's if funny, I will only tease you about it for two weeks!... Maybe a month."

"Remus, please! Roman, I promise it's safe to tell us."

"And, if I may add," Logan said, "we will help with the best of our abilities if at all possible."

Roman grabbed the pillow next to him and screamed as hard as he could into it. Eventually, it made him feel calm enough to look up at all the worried faces around him. He muttered something into his pillow.

"Ah, sorry, can you repeat that?" Patton asked.

"… I'm crushing on you and Logan. There, I said it, happy?"

Logan and Patton were agape for a moment, but Remus just shrugged. "Pff, me too, you're not special."

"What?"

"Bro, have you seen Logan's bare chest? He looks like a nerdy Edward Cullen. And Patton is the best cuddler in the world."

"How the fuck can you be so calm about this?!"

"It's just feelings, nobody's dead yet!"

"Yet?!"

"Okay, time out!" Logan asked, clapping his hands like a preschool teacher. "I think we need to assess the situation step by step…"

And then he stopped, because Patton was kissing Roman with all of his uncontrolled impulse. Remus cheered and kissed Logan, and for about two minutes there were nothing but kissing noises and sighs in the small room.

"So, um, does that mean you guys also…" Roman started, when his mouth was free again.

"For literal months," Logan admitted.

"That's so much time we have to make up for!" Remus cried.

"Agreed," Patton said, blushing. "We, um… We should go back, everyone's still waiting."

Roman's eyes widened and he fell back on the bed dramatically, hiding his face in his hands. "How the fuck are we going to tell them?!"

#flufftober 2020 #fake dating #fanfiction #sanders sides #ts roman #ts remus #ts patton #ts logan #fluff #tw homophobia #polyship

[oh-im-dying]

If I haven't asked already I'd love to see the answers to all the questions for the obey me mc questions!

HI! I’M SO SORRY I TOOK FOREVER TO ANSWER YOU. I finished answering the questions so long ago, but I wanted to wait until after I introduced Eden and Atlas first!

The original questions can be found here!

I’ll be answering the questions for BOTH of my OCs, so if you’re a little lost on the basic idea behind these two, go here!

THIS IS SUPERRRR LONG, SO ALL THE ANSWERS ARE UNDER THE CUT. THE ANSWERS ARE A LITTLE WORDY I’M SORRY-

1. Which of the Boys are they the most like? Eden’s similar to Levi in terms of what they’re interested in. She’s a weeb, and takes anime super seriously (to the point where she body-slammed Diavolo upon meeting him because he brought her down to the Devildom while she was in the middle of an anime episode). Personality wise though, she’s a mix of Satan, Belphie, and Mammon. She’s very cynical and hates most things, but most of it’s a facade as she learns to deal with her feelings. She can be sweet and caring, but only after she opens up to someone.

Atlas is your stereotypical otome game MC. Like Beel, she’s sweet and caring, and like Asmo, she’s pretty and enthusiastic. She’s adventurous and curious like Mammon too. But she’s not all that she seems to be on the surface.

2. Which of the Boys are they the least like? Asmo, probably. Eden hates being open about feelings, and generally dislikes getting all touchy feely with others. She’s not that big on fashion either. She likes wearing whatever’s comfortable. Asmo nearly had a stroke when she revealed that she didn't know what an exfoliator was.

Atlas is the opposite of Lucifer. He’s calm, collected, and responsible. While Atlas is good at keeping her grades up and tries to be a leader, she’s clumsy and ditzy. If a puppy were to become a person, that’s Atlas.

3. Who does your MC date? [If multiple, what order do they start dating each one?] Eden...has a lot to sort out. But, once everything’s said and done, she’ll probably be with Mammon, since he’s the only one (with how my plot’s going right now) that can see through her tough persona and reach out to her.

Atlas, being the person who was actually meant to be in the Devildom (Eden wasn’t going to be there, had Atlas not grabbed onto her), naturally draws the attention of the brothers. Her seemingly sweet and caring personality makes it almost impossible for them to hate her, and she very quickly gains their love and affection. But I don’t plan on having her date any of them. She’s...an interesting character because she likes the attention and love, but doesn’t return any of it.

4. How does your MC Sleep? [On their side, on their back, with a partner, etc., in PJs, etc.] Eden sleeps in an oversized hoodie and shorts. She doesn’t sleep a lot, since she’s usually up binging anime and lives off of coffee (I’m convinced she has caffeine in her blood), but when she DOES sleep, she sleeps like the dead. Nothing can wake her up. She can’t sleep unless she has something next to her, but since she hates people (at least initially), she usually has a pillow or something by her side.

Atlas sleeps like a starfish. Sprawled out and taking over the entire bed. Eden loves having sleepovers with her, but will NOT share a bed, since she’ll wake up with Atlas’s knee lodged in her face or something.

5. If you were to pick one song — and only one song — to describe your MC, what would it be and why? Eden: Handle With Care by RUNN Atlas: I couldn't really find a song that would suit how... intricate Atlas' character is, but for how others see her initially: Classic by MKTO

6. Did they come from a religious family/culture? Do they practice a religion?  Neither of them practice any religion. But Eden’s name is meant to reference the Garden of Eden, so her story will have a few references here and there about the garden (nothing too detailed though).

7. What do they think about the whole angel/demon stuff?  Eden’s not all that phased by it. She has the stereotypical Gen-Z attitude of “I can’t tell the waitress that she got my order wrong, but I can and WILL bodyslam a demon”. (unrelated note: she HAS body slammed Diavolo before). So she’s not bothered by the idea of being around angels and demons. She’s more angry that she’s been dragged down to hell without dying. Eden comes from a long line of witches too, so she's heard about angels and demons for a while.

Atlas though… Atlas is ‘terrified’ once she lands in the Devildom. She’s a “sweet babey” that loves doing all things innocent and good in the world, and one day she’s in Hell. Surrounded by demons. She’s not happy about it at all… But as soon as she hears it’s an exchange program and that she isn’t in any danger at the moment, her attitude switches immediately...

8. What’s your MC’s relationship with their family? Eden lives with her mom. Her mom's a relatively sweet woman, and while being a witch, tries her hardest to keep Eden away from using any. Eden and her mom have a cute relationship. They annoy one another sometimes, but overall, they care about eachother a lot. Her dad's alive. It's just that in a magical mishap with his own mother (Eden's grandma), he was turned into a frog and now lives in their livingroom in a little tank. Eden, however, has no idea that the frog is her father and thought that "Dad" was just a really weird name for the amphibian.

Atlas seems to live a perfect life. She has both parents, and being the only child, has been babied since day one. Of course, that's just what the public sees her family as.

9. What are your MC’s chances of survival if they got lost in the levels of Devildom that take you to the surface [aka the layers of Hell]? Eden’s basically a human compass. She can find her way around anywhere. BUT, there are days where she’s either overwhelmed or super out of it and will get lost. She won’t stay lost for too long, but when she is, she’ll probably start a fight with every dang demon that comes near her. Will she win? ….probably not. But she's sure as hell taking a couple of them down with her.

Atlas can get lost in her own neighborhood. If she gets lost by herself in the layers of Hell, she’s hopeless. Very much dead. BUT. The brothers and Eden all adore her (annoyingly), so they’ll find her, no matter what.

10. Is your MC jealous/upset about not being able to use magic? Do they learn? Eden comes from a family of witches. She has the ability to use magic, but since her mom's been hiding the fact that she's a witch, Eden never believed in it. She didn't think that witches existed at all, so when she eventually finds out, she doesn't have any control over her powers.

Atlas technically can’t use magic, but she’s not that upset about not being able to use it. SPOILER FOR LESSON 16: Atlas is, however, the “true” MC, so she’s the descendent of Lilith. So she's just like the in game MC in not being able to use magic like Solomon, but having a lot of power.

11. What was your MC’s first impression of the demon boys? Atlas’s initial reaction to everyone is the same: “Wow you’re good looking”

Lucifer “Why is he so TALL” After arriving to the Devildom alongside Atlas, Eden ends up body slamming Diavolo for getting near them. Lucifer does NOT like that, and tries to kill her. Diavolo, however, thought that Eden was just giving him a really weird hug, so he stopped Lucifer from turning her into soot. Diavolo actually ends up finding Eden interesting and spends more and more time with her.

Mammon “This smug little piece of sh-” Mammon and Eden’s personalities clash a lot in the beginning. They don’t get along, and Mammon liked Atlas better at the start because she was sweet and kind to him.

Leviathan “Ah yes, a man of culture.” Weeb gang. Need I say more?

Satan “...I don’t trust you.” Satan is similar to Eden when it comes to dangerous smiles and being cunning. Eden recognizes this and doesn’t trust him.

Asmo “Go to horny jail.” Eden and Asmo are pretty different from one another. But they don’t quite hate one another, surprisingly. Just not sure how to interact with one another.

Beelzebub “He better not come near my candy.” Eden has this thing where she constantly has candy. She almost always has a lollipop, since she can’t focus well without a sweet. So her utmost priority lies with hiding her candy stash from Beel. Will it work? Eh, not really.

Belphegor “Damn bitch you live like this?” First time meeting him was in the attic, after Eden and Atlas made it up the stairs without Lucifer knowing. Atlas is full of pity for him, but Eden’s shook that he’s been in the attic for so long without going nuts.

Diavolo “Don’t come near me or I’ll flip you.” I don’t really need to say anything else. Eden body slammed the Demon Prince 3 minutes after landing in the Devildom. Diavolo finds her interesting though, since it's the first time he's met someone that's talked to him without thinking about his role as the future king of the Devildom.

Barbatos “What’s going on with your bangs.” Eden doesn’t trust Barbatos either, but they both naturally seem to avoid provoking the other. So they only ever see one another whenever Diavolo is talking to Eden. Eden wants to know what’s up with his bangs though.

12. First impression of the Angels & Solomon? Simeon “He reminds me of someone…” Eden has “guardians” from both the Devildom and the Celestial Realm. Almost like a guardian angel, except there’s one angel and one demon. She hasn’t met with them in a long time though, and has almost completely forgotten about them. Simeon's sweet yet somewhat confusing personality reminds her of the guardian angel.

Luke “He’s so loud...and for what-” Eden thinks Luke’s like a chihuahua. Small, loud, and annoying.

Solomon “THIS MOTHERFUCKER DROPPED MY CORNDOG.” They first met in the human world, when Eden was at the mall with Atlas. Solomon and Eden bumped into one another, and Eden ended up dropping her corndog. She’s been petty and angry over her lost corndog for years. Solomon, naturally, remembers none of this.

13. What is a skill your MC has that the Boys would be surprised by? They would be shocked to see that Eden has really good aim. She’s great at hitting things from a far distance. Though, they don’t realize that from guns or anything like that. No, they realize this when Eden slips off her shoe and manages to chuck it at Mammon successfully from the opposite side of the dining room.

Atlas can play the harp really well.

14. Do they own a secret place for their most prized possessions? Eden hides her sweets in several spots in her room. She hides smaller candies in pockets, shelves, and drawers. Lollipops are more important to her, so she hides them in [ Eden has requested this information remain top secret ].

Atlas is… crafty. She doesn’t hide things often, but when she does, it’s almost like the item vanished.

15. What’s the most important thing they own? Eden: She protects her lollipops with her life, but the most important thing she owns is a polaroid of her and Atlas, taken after they had first become friends back when they were 5. Atlas: Atlas values everything. She doesn't have one single item that she holds above others. She lives life just loving everything.

16. Do they eat the strange demon food? There’s a good chance that eating the demon food might kill humans. Eden, knowing this, has no problems trying to eat anything. The brothers have to go through a lot of trouble to keep her away from anything poisonous/bad for humans. Satan needs to do a lot of research on humans for this. Not that any of them would be too phased by her dying. It's more because Diavolo likes hanging out with Eden and it would be a disaster to tell him that she died.

Atlas… doesn’t need to worry much. The brothers pamper her and try their hardest to make sure she only eats things that are safe for her to have.

17. What’s their favourite part of being in Devildom? Eden’s just vibing. She likes the lack of sun though.

Atlas likes everything. She finds anything new interesting and exciting.

18. What does your MC miss most about the human world? Eden doesn’t miss the human world. But she doesn’t want to be in the Devildom either. She’s just there.

Atlas sees all of this as an adventure and takes it enthusiastically. She’s happy in the Devildom, but she misses being able to feel the sun on her face.

19. What does MC spend most of their time doing/with who? Eden spends the majority of her time with Levi, playing games or watching anime. He teaches her about TSL, and she teaches him about Seven Deadly Sins. They’ve definitely played Mystic Messenger and DDLC together.

Atlas...is always surrounded by everyone. She radiates “main character” energy. Even Eden thinks Atlas is the main character of her (Eden's) life. Atlas is always with one of the brothers. But overall, Atlas and Eden have spent the most time together. They’re childhood friends, after all.

20. How does MC wear the RAD uniform? [If they do.] Eden barely wears it. She wasn’t supposed to be in the Devildom anyway, so there wasn't a uniform prepared for her. So, she took online classes with Levi for a while. But even after getting the uniform, she manages to forget to wear it at least 3 times a week. She usually ends up calling Mammon to help grab it for her, only to be turned down. Mammon will then get a shoe to the face whenever she sees him.

Atlas is the model student. She works hard, and never forgets her uniform. She "tries her hardest" to wear the RAD uniform correctly, but she usually ends up buttoning it up wrong somehow. Either the brothers or Eden need to help her out every morning.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me masters #obey me jp #obey me mc #obey me oc #oc #my oc #the garden of fucking things up #asks

[scribbles97]

Left Behind - Chapter 23

In which Scott is struggling to keep a lid on things.

PART 1 / PART 2

Chapter 22

Everyone had been too in shock to say much on the flight over from the island. They had come face to face with three devices on the yacht before he had ordered his brothers out of there, accepting that the rescue was a fake, a ruse to get them off of the island and out of the way. The same had been true for his Aunt and Uncle, it was just that they had realised it before the launch. Aunt Val had taken off in Thunderbird Three anyway, luring Gaat in to find out what he was after. 

 It was probably fortunate the way it had happened, seeing that Lee had launched in Thunderbird One as soon as Gaat had triggered the bomb’s countdown. 

 Hugh hadn’t said much across the comm, other than demanding immediate evac for a code blue. 

 It had only been hours ago, but the feeling of the life draining from him was still fresh in his mind. Everything else had simply sunk away, leaving cold, hard fear, clenching his heart. 

 None of the others knew where Mom had been, or even that there was another Zero-X. As far as they knew, he didn’t know either. 

 Staying silent was hard, but necessary. 

 It wasn’t time to let slip that maybe, just maybe, Dad was out there. 

“You look like you’re about to implode,” Virgil murmured as he sunk down in the seat next to Scott, holding out a coffee to him, “What’s wrong?”

 He couldn’t help but scoff, glancing around the relatives room and gesturing at the plain grey walls that matched the mood of the space. 

 “What isn’t wrong more like?” He muttered, taking the coffee and focussing on it as the heat seeped through the walls of the travel mug. 

 “Alright,” Virgil sighed, “Bad choice of words. You look like there’s something else going on in that head of yours though.”

 He had to scoff again, rolling his eyes as he looked to his younger brother, “You sound like Grandma.”

 At least Virgil had the decency to grimace as he shrugged, all of them loving their Grandmother, but not appreciating the idea of turning into her. Scott had caught Virgil out a few times recently, apparently the younger was spending too much time practising his medical skills with her if her influence was rubbing off that much. 

 “Come on Scott, what’s bugging you?”

 Taking a swig of his coffee, he winced as it burned his tongue and throat, hoping the action would buy him at least a moment to come up with some feasible excuse. 

 The door swung open, making all of them look up in the hope of a doctor appearing with some form of news. Kayo looked amongst them apologetically as she closed the door slightly more gently behind her. The anger was soon back though, her frown deepening as she folded her arms and turned to take a seat in the far corner of the room. 

 Scott could understand where her anger came from. 

 “Gaat got onto the Island.” He murmured, “Into our home Virgil. He drew us all into fake rescues and attempted to blow us up, just so he could get hold of our technology.”

 Next to him, Virgil grew silent. His brows furrowed as he thought about something, making the scar above his left eye stand out more. 

 He had to stick to the facts that they all knew, those were safe, he wouldn’t trip over the things they didn’t know then. 

 “He did this to Mom.” Virgil whispered, “First to Dad, now to Mom. Who’s next Scott?”

 The truth was he didn’t know, and it scared him too. Logic told him it was just Gaat’s way of taunting, that whilst he was after their technology he never truly meant to hurt them. Otherwise the bombs would have gone off as soon as he had set foot on the yacht. 

 But why?

 “I don’t know.” He stated, glancing around the room at his other brothers and Kayo.

 There had to be a link, something to do with his parents and Gaat. Surely the man would not try to kill them simply to get his hands on their technology?

 He stumbled at the thought, he knew people had killed for less. 

 His brothers could be next on the line. 

 He couldn’t let them get hurt. 

 As the oldest of the five, as the commander of their team, Mom had only ever asked one thing of him. 

 Keep them safe and look after them. 

 It was her job to look after them, they listened to him on rescues, but at home it was Mom that called the shots. 

 Now they were all looking to him, asking questions that demanded straight and serious answers that he didn’t know and couldn’t pretend to. 

 The same questions had been asked after Dad had vanished, and Mom had magically held all the answers seemingly without having to think twice. Once he had caught on to her way of reassurance it had been easy to copy it and assure his brothers in the same way.

 Except, suddenly he was doing it without Mom’s lead. Suddenly, it was just him and four younger siblings. 

 First they had lost Dad, and now Mom.

 He had failed them all already. He had silently sworn to the stars, to his father, the he would look after Mom, keep her safe and happy. If Dad wasn’t there to pull her out of trouble, Scott would be.

 He hadn’t even known she had gone though. Not until after she had already left and it was too late to follow. Not that he had questioned it, she had told him much earlier on to stay put and let her deal with it, and he had never questioned her.

 Mom could have died and he hadn’t been there to stop it. 

 If he couldn’t keep Mom safe, how could he be trusted to keep his little brothers safe too?

 Glancing back to Kayo, he felt he knew the answer. 

 Gaat hadn’t killed them as soon as they’d gotten on the yacht. He hadn’t blown up the new Zero-X as soon as Mom had been on board, and he hadn’t shot Kayo or Lee when he had had the chance. 

 There was something more to it all, something bigger than his want for their technology. 

 In order to protect his family, Scott needed to find out what.

 “Wha-” Virgil started as Scott shoved the coffee back into his hands before standing quickly. He ignored the questions that followed him from the room, asking what he was doing and where he was going. Every moment he wasted explaining was a moment closer to another chance for Gaat to attack. 

 Not to mention another chance for him to slip up. 

 Turning back to the door, he nodded to Tia and Pedro, “None of them leave that room.”

 Tia smirked as she stepped forward, her bleached cropped hair swept back off of her face with more gel than he had in his own. She folded her arms as she looked up to him, six inches making all the difference. 

 “Kyrano said the same when he left,” She told him, “So where do you think you’re going?”

 He frowned at her, not in the mood to be told what to do by someone they employed. 

 “You know where he is?”

 Tia shrugged, “Depends if you’re going to tell me where you’re off to.”

 Clenching his jaw, he glared, they were wasting time. 

 Her green eyes stayed fixed on his, wide and unfazed by a look that had the most stubborn of rescuees doing as he needed. 

 “If you want to go and join their meeting, I’ll take you.” She told him, folding her arms, pulling up the sleeve of her top just enough to uncover the circular forget-me-not and bluebell tattoo just above her wrist. 

 If they were in a meeting he wanted to know about it. Kyrano and Hugh had known about the Zero-X too, maybe they knew something he didn’t. Maybe they knew what Gaat wanted from them.

 “Whether you go to the meeting, or you go to someplace else, she’s going with you mister Scott.” Pedro pointed out, “We do not know if there is a potential threat to the rest of your family.”

 “That’s what I want to find out.” He uttered, shifting his glare from Tia to him. 

 From the corner of his eye he saw Tia’s face fall into a grin, “You’ll want to be in their meeting then, I’ll take you.”

 The hallway was wide enough that she could have walked past him without bumping forcefully into his shoulder. Turning with the momentum of her shove, he focussed his glare on the back of her head, mind racing to come up with something quick and witty and annoying enough to wind her up. 

 Before he could though, she was turning back to him and raising an eyebrow, “I know I have a wonderful ass Scott, but how many times must I tell you that it’s rude to stare?”

 He huffed with a shake of his head, too tired and worried to say anything smart in response as he followed after her. His focus was elsewhere. On his mother, on his brothers, and on whatever the hell it was that Gaat wanted.

 ***

“Well if Scott isn’t going to drink it…” Kayo trailed off as she reached for the cup Scott had left Virgil holding when he had left so suddenly. 

 “Huh?” He looked up, following her line of sight to the mug and nodding as he handed it over to her.

 She smiled as she took a sip from it, “Where did he go rushing off to?”

 Virgil shrugged, not entirely sure himself. Something had clearly been going on in Scott’s head, and he had hoped to get it out of him.

 “No idea,” He sighed, looking across to her, “I assume Tia will have gone with him though?”

 Kayo nodded quickly, eyes darkening as she watched the door. He could see the set of her jaw as she clenched her teeth, it made her look dangerous, like she was seriously ready to hurt someone. 

 From their self defence lessons, he knew she was more than capable of hurting anyone she set her sights on.  

 Yet she didn’t scare him like that in the slightest, in a funny way that had nothing to do with the fact he had seen her wrapped in blankets on movie night. Yes, she was a force to be reckoned with. Yes, she was highly skilled. Yes, she could floor him in an instant. 

 But she wouldn’t. 

 “What?”

 He startled as her eyes turned on him, narrowed and confused.

 “Is there something on my shirt?”

 Virgil was quick to shake his head as he cleared his throat, “No, no, there’s not-- you don’t … I was just … uh … I didn’t want you to think anything with Gaat was your fault. We don’t choose our family.”

 The green of her eyes hardened as she looked down, her hands tightening around the coffee cup. Something in his chest made him reach out to her, his fingers touching her wrist before he had consciously thought about it. 

 “I hate him Virgil,” She uttered, eyes not lifting as she shook her head, “With everything I have, I hate him.”

 He nodded, hearing the venom in her voice. To be on the wrong side of Kayo Kyrano was a dangerous thing, blood relation or not. Part of him feared for Gaat, but equally he knew the man deserved whatever his niece served him. 

 “And I let him get away.”

 Her words were hidden under her breath, only half intended to be heard he assumed. The way her entire frame slouched at the admission punctuated what she was saying though, and he could imagine the frustration she must have been feeling. 

 Wrapping his fingers around her wrist, he waited for her to look up to him before he spoke. 

 “There were other things that took priority at the time,” He assured her, “Your family needed you, you were exactly where you had to be. Don’t blame yourself for him getting away.”

 She snorted as she shook her head, “It’s my job.”

 He raised an eyebrow, smirking at her, “Not to blame yourself it isn’t. Shit happens Kay, let it go.”

 Her eyes were threatening as she turned on him, but her mouth was fighting a smile. 

 “You did not just--”

 Chuckling he swigged his coffee, “Yep. Totally did.”

 “You do know I could floor you in a second?”

 His mind jumped back to just moments earlier when he had been thinking just that. 

 “Yeah, but you won’t.”

 She raised an eyebrow at him, “How can you be so sure?”

 Grinning, he leant into her ear, dropping his voice to the barest of whispers, “Because I know you.”

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds fanfic #Thunderbirds 2015 #Lucy AU #Scott Tracy #Virgil Tracy #kayo kyrano #Aunt Val #Lee Taylor #Hugh Creighton-Ward #Kyrano #scribbles writes #Left Behind Part 1 #Left Behind Part 2 #Left Behind Part 3

[yanderexdoki]

My Yandere story

Okay, let's start at the very beginning. Your gonna have to go ahead and forgive me now, I tend to go on tangents due to my brain jumping all over the place all the time but I will try and keep this as tight knit as I can. I was in middle school, probably seventh grade,hanging with my Aunt when she had the idea to go to this local clothing store. We went in and that's when I first met him. Tall, Skinny, Redhead. Him and my Aunt were having conversation while I just looked around, not really caring what was going on. 

We were probably there like 20 min and we left. I learned over time this man had a wife and a kid and that whole family became friends with my aunt. My aunt was great at making conversation and was an extrovert so it wasn't really surprising news.She would go over there to visit. I went a few more times with her but she mostly went  by herself. About a year later my Aunt tragically passed away in her sleep. It was a pretty hard time for the whole family. We did the whole bit, the funeral, burying her all that yada yada. Not playing off her death, she was like a second and cooler mom. I cared about her so much and she was the first big family passing I had to endure. We all continued with our lives as everyone does after a tragedy as best they can until the summer before my senior year of high school. My mother told me it was about time my brother and I got our first jobs so we could help with taking care of the house bills. Off we went driving about town grabbing applications. This was the summer of ‘08 so there weren’t too many online applications as there are nowadays. Anyway, the one place I got an application from was the local mall where "local clothing store" happened to have been moved to since their previous location. There was a Blonde Woman standing there so I thought I should apply cause I remember the one guy and I remember him being friends with my aunt but him not being at my aunt's funeral. Maybe I can ask him about it if he still works here? I know right? My thought logic is real, legit teenager stuff. Anyway, after I fill out my application and take it back to who will now call BW, she had me do like a little mini interview. I somehow impressed her with my fake perfume sale cause she decided to hire me. Looking back on it, I personally believe she hired me because she remembered me being my Aunts niece. So I started the job pretty soon after. 

It was my first job and I was never very good at talking with strangers. It was actually one of the first conversations I had with who we will call TSR from now on. He introduced himself and asked me about myself. He noticed I was pretty shy and he gave me an analogy about an invisible line that I see that I need to cross. It was really the first in many many ways this guy boosted my confidence and self esteem. The tasks of the job where pretty standard retail business. Keep it clean, sell stuff, be nice. Our store never had to much for foot traffic a lot of the time so for the most part we did a lot of BSing. Most of the days that went by where TSR and I talking for hours cause BW had a day job and usually came in later in the day. A few months in he actually told me he didn’t go to my aunts funeral because they make him really uncomfortable and he didn’t even go to one of his close friends. An acceptable answer for me. When your around someone you kind of learn there mannerisms, the way they say certain words, how his light blue eyes light up when he’s talking about something he thought was cool. The best way I could describe his personality is Chip Gaines from the show Fixer Upper. Oh no. Oh definitely no. I am not getting a crush on my married boss, a man in his 30s. Yes....yes I am, yes I did. My senior year of high school started up fast. I still got to work there but it had to be just a few hours after school. Which was fine with me as long as I got to keep working there. As long as I got to keep talking with TSR. As long as I got to hear his laughter everyday. I knew these weren't good thoughts about someone's husband and I really shouldn't be thinking this but I didn't want to stop being around him. As the school year went by the first semester ended and we got our grades. Most of them were pretty up to par for what my parents expected out of me at the time. Except for the D in math class.That one I was pretty disappointed in myself as well. So my parents told me to talk about my grades with my bosses. BW and TSR said if I couldn't bring that up I couldn't work anymore. It definitely got my butt in gear mentally and somehow pulled me out of it all the second semester with straight B's.They let me work on my homework when the store didn’t have anyone in it and I got to keep my job. I got to keep making my own money that I spent on the clothes in the store for me to wear and other dumb crap I didn't need. TSR and I talked about anything and everything. He talked to me about things my parents didn't talk to me about. He made jokes all the time and always had me laughing.He talked to me like I was at his level. I gladly listened as he talked about whatever would pop into his head at the time. I would hear the height in his voice and the deep gruff lows when he was getting into the nitty gritty of his gem of a story he would be mining out. Honestly, this is probably the most one on one conversations I had with someone besides a blood relatives up to this point. I never had much for friends in my school years. It felt nice. Now of course it wasn't just him and I closed the store every night for an eternity. Sometimes I worked with BW and sometimes with TSR and sometimes with both of them and even with a little kick ass co-manager who we will call LCM. I probably won't talk about her too much though. 

I graduated in the summer of ‘09, got my drivers licence and got my first cheap ass car from the money I got from graduation. My parents or my grandma didn't have to drive me to work anymore. BW even picked me up from school once on halloween and took me to work cause my family couldn’t make it. She was always so nice to me. I wanted to be more connected with her too on evenings we worked together but she just didn’t seem as open with me. TSR started asking questions about the name on the car and I told him my dad because that's what my dad said I should do. It made sense to me and I have a good relationship with my father. TSR told me that wasn't the best idea and how my dad could use that against me and hold it over my head. Now my dad and I have had a fight or two but I would never have expected anything like that to happen. Well what do you know, I swear like a week later my father and I where bickering over something and he said “My name is on the car I can take it from you.” TSR was right. He was always right about life and the universe and people. We also seem to have similar things in common, like how we felt the least liked out of our siblings by our parents.I guess we both would be considered the black sheep in our family. It's not my fault I was raised christian and started liking Marilyn Manson and getting tattoos. I wasn’t trying to be rebellious on purpose. I just liked stuff my parents didn't. I worked for them for probably a year at this point and since it was the summer I  just contemplated if I was gonna do college or not. I just decided to keep working my job as full time to save money and to try and figure out where I was headed.TSR helped me as I have been on and off again with my first boyfriend. 

When I was going through a very deep stage of “woe is me, I’m never gonna love anyone again.” he left me alone at the store to pick up his kid. He came back pretty fast and like the first thing he yelled was "DANGIT DOKI”, you had me really worried there for you while I was gone." It made my heart skip. Kinda felt like one of those scenes where the anime girl is standing in an area full of sakura blossoms blowing in the wind as she looks longing at her senpai. Woah, he really must care about me as not just someone who works for him but as a person. 

My feelings for TSR have gone pretty deep at this point. I would have done anything he asked. Appropriate or not. One day I was hopping around the store from drinking an energy drink that day and I'm cleaning and dusting and moving clothes everywhere and I go up to TSR and ask him if he wanted me to suck his dick. This coming from a very shy hyper virgin 18 year old. I kind of looked around and just laughed. I kind of felt bad a little while after I said that but I didn't really think it was that much of a big deal. Months later he would tell me he contemplated saying yes. I lost some weight after being there for a bit due to some emotional things I was going through at the time and I was actually feeling good about my body and I learned BW and I fit the same size pants and decided to switch the ones we bought from the store. TSR told me I was still fat. It hurt coming from someone I was infatuated with. I was shorter than his wife and had a curvier shape.

  You may know how it is working with family. Working with the same 3 other adults for two years does start to feel like an actual family. Besides the misc like 3 other people who got hired while I was there but they all didn’t stay very long. At some point we got a security camera system and we could watch the 4 different cameras on one monitor. I eventually, out of boredom and fantasy, learned that we had one spot in the store on the cameras that couldn't be seen. The third dressing room. I thought all kinds of things about the room. Especially around closing time when we turned all the lights off. TSR made lots of sexual jokes, sure, but I knew he wasn't attracted to me based on my body type and maybe the fact that his mother and I share the same name. Of course the lawful good side of me was fighting myself knowing it's good he doesn't like me cause I shouldn't like him, he's a married man anyway. Never stopped me from thinking about it though. One day something happened. He brought up the subject about how he's gotten to feel real small tits and big “fake” tits but not real big “real” tits. How convenient enough I happen to be in that category. I don't remember if there was much instruction of him suggesting I should try on a big belt as a tube top and see what it looks like but I definitely feel like I was just mentally following along with everything he was saying like a puppy learning tricks for rewards. I was nervous. I tried on the belt in the 3rd dressing room. It looked stupid but I opened the door. TSR came up, looked at my stretch marks and veins with wide eyes. He asked me if he could touch them. I said he could. I let him do what he wanted but I was super embarrassed. I wanted this to happen but he was this person I built up so much hype being near me, just doing whatever he wanted. He grabbed handfuls, moved them around, squeezed. No nipple play though. He got done with what he thought was an adequate amount of playtime and let me get dressed. We never talked about it. I never wanted anyone to know. I wanted so much more.I wanted him to push me back into the dressing room. I wanted him to take my virginity. I wanted him to try all the rough things I was learning were my kinks. Nothing too much happened at the shop besides the two times I got drunk at work. There was one good time and one bad time. TSR, LCM, a dude who would come in the shop often, and I all drank and had a fun chill night just laughing. I remember two dudes who came into actually shop asked me if I was drunk and they thought it was hilarious and awesome, but nothing really juicy or life changing happened those times so they aren't really important. Eventually, 2010 showed up to kick everyone in the ass economically, and we had to close down shop. We put everything away and caused a little bit of mall anarchy by throwing shoes in the rafters. I felt bad because, 1. I was losing what I thought was like the coolest job ever, and 2. I didn't know if I would ever see them again. 

TSR was obviously drinking at the time he had his vodka right by him, like drinking it right out of the bottle. I was upset. I wanted to say more to him about it but I felt like I couldn't say anything. Like it wasn’t my place because I was just an employee. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to be his comfort. Eventually his wife and kid packed up and moved to another state while TSR stayed behind to clean the house and get it on the market and close some loose ends. He asked me two separate times to hang out before he left. Once to go get some food together, he even made the comment on how I was beaming when we were eating together. He knew I liked him. I guess I was pretty bad at hiding it. The other time was to help with cleaning his house. I jumped at the opportunity to dust and scrub just to be near him. It was just the two of us for a few hours. All the stuff they had was already packed and all he had was an air mattress and a blanket. I still remember wanting to be under that blanket with him.  Besides the breast fondling nothing else physical happen between us. At some point I lost his number for about a year or two until I got to beg it off a guy I was dating. He was actually the dude who brought me the booze the first time I drank at work. .TSR seemed glad to be able to talk to me again. We kind of developed this rhythm where we talked on the phone every 3 to 6 months, sometimes even 9. He told me he didn't like texting and I wanted to respect his wishes cause I still had these feelings for him. Our conversations together were very much in the obsession and lust category for me. When we talked it was mostly just updates on life. Talking about our parents doing dumb stuff and what we are up to at the time. The same amount of laughs as before, and me listening gleefully as always. That joy overtime turned into a darkness after our calls would end. I would feel sunk in this place. I would feel trapped and conflicted. I wanted my love for this man to go away. To just be able to be like “nah dude, I don't need that complicating my life anymore.” For me to literally not drop everything I was doing when he would call me. Even when I was on a date or hanging with my family, I couldn't, I didn't. I kept falling deeper and deeper into the peat bog. Realizing my head was under way to late. This continued till I was about 25 and I got off the phone with him one night and just broke down into pieces. I couldn't take it anymore. I wrote a fake text that was implied to be for my best friend but I deliberately sent it to TSR., like I accidentally sent it to the wrong person. I explained my love for him and how I would do anything for him and how it hurts that I can't be with him. I expected his wife to call me. I expected for her to yell at me and tell me to never speak to them again. I wanted to cut it off so I set in motion something to do it cause I couldn't just do it myself because I was a coward. Like nothing ever happened TSR called me about a week later and asked me if I knew I sent him a text he probably shouldn’t have seen. I acted dumb on purpose and was like “ohh no! You saw that?” He just laughed and called me dumb. He even told me he has me saved in his phone with the word dumb in front of my name. It didn't work. He learned everything I was feeling at the time and, without the faintest acknowledgement about it, he didn’t care or tell me we shouldn’t talk anymore.He just told me his wife was originally mad about it when she read it but he calmed her down. We went back to our routine of talking on the phone every few months until this most recent July. I was visiting my family on vacation. One night I get back to the place I was staying after not feeling to great after dinner. It's 1am and as I'm trying to go to sleep TSR calls me up. Without hesitation I answer and we chat. He told me of this weed he liked a lot and how his day went. Then, in weird moment I will remember forever, he said "I love you man, not like a dick in vagina love but, ya know." It just reaffirmed what I've known for awhile now. I will never be anything more to him. I could at least take comfort in what he said to me that he saw me as a close friend. I let him know I have to let him go because of some chest pains I was having from anxiety. I told him I would love to talk more but just can't. We hung up and like .5 milliseconds later he calls me back I'm like dude what do you want and he says, "So when are we gonna start having secret conversations?" My head was already whirling from the feelings of what he just said coming up but now he springs this on me? What does he mean by this? He just said he doesn't love me that way what is going on? I said what are you talking about and he said "We gotta have a place we can talk where my wife won't find it and she won't get mad at me.”

 I was like “Dude lets just talk later” and I told him bye and hung up. I didn't wanna deal with that right now. A day went by and I smoked a little weed and called and left him voicemail for if he really wanted to talk about this and I wanted to figure out what his angle was with this whole situation that had me pretty panicky for the most part.

 The next day he sends me a pic of his current project and I sent him a link for the best encrypted messaging apps. He just laughs and talks about how we will use kik. So I have a kik and I offered him my info if he wanted to talk to me. I really wanted to do this to get into the deepness of asking him what were we doing and why are we doing this? He said he would download the app one day. I wanted to give another hint of “hey you know these feelings are still here right?” Just to see what he would say and maybe we could have actually talked about it together this time around. I flirtishly said “you're always pulling on my string and sometimes I think you liked doing it.” 8 HOURS LATER he replies to my text saying it was funny. This was at almost 2 am. We text back and forth but my feelings hit me again. They are just escaping to freedom in mass through my eyelids .I told him how much my feelings suck and I hate them and I hate being crazy. He replies with a text but I call him. He answers. He says "What do you need to tell me Doki?"

I am already cracking my voice full of tears at this point. "What do you think!? Isn't it obvious by now? You already know I've liked you for a while. I'm in love with you and I have been for years. Your voice burns in me with passion every time I hear it. Your smile cleans off a gross dirty film off my vision and I see how great everything really can be." He then does what he does best. He starts laughing. This laugh I held in high regard is currently existing because I opened up the biggest wound I've had for almost decade.I was furious. "Seriously dude what the fuck I am opening up my feelings here and being so vulnerable with you right now and your gonna start laughing?" 

He said he was sorry. He said "I didn't mean for it to come off that way. A little thing I do is laugh when I'm uncomfortable or upset.” I stopped. Ohh I guess that would make sense. I've heard before that that's a coping mechanism for some people. Me telling myself that to rationalize his behavior. He said he was sorry for stuff he's said that's hurt my feelings and I forgave him but not just my love and sadness came to this emotional let go fest. My lust for him showed up as well. I became extremely horny like probably more horny then I have even been my entire life. I don’t know why this showed up but it did and it felt really weird cause I was just crying my eyes out two seconds ago. I say things along the lines of "Do you know what I would do for you? I would be your personal sex slave 24 hours a day. You wouldn't even have to call me by my name. Call me whatever you want I don't care." Which in my head as I'm saying these things out loud I'm telling myself, “slow down girl your getting a little ahead of yourself here.” I asked him if I could masturbate while we were on the phone. 

He said "I won't stop you." 

I started, I said his name. I touched myself with a passion I swear I heard him moan on the other end of that call. He started talking and making me laugh and I kinda got distracted from pleasuring myself just cause I wanted to listen to him talk.After he got a little more high he said he had to go back to bed and then I was just kind of left there with all my emotions that came to the surface. So I sent him some things I wrote on my Facebook and on my phone that where about him.

 A few nights later I got a little drunk and just said screw it and facebook called BW,his wife, and told her about everything. Everything besides the boob thing. I couldn’t bear telling her. She was still so sweet. More sweet than I ever could have deserved. We just discussed how I just had to stop being connected to the family and how we couldn’t be friends with them online. She made it sound like maybe one day I could though.

That’s the last thing I texted him after I promised BW and his family I wouldn’t talk to him anymore. To end the story I had one final conversation with him on the phone a few days later. I asked him if anything we did together mattered. I asked him if he ever even cared about my feelings or considered them. He told me “I am a sociopath. None of what happened between us mattered to me nor did I care.”

I said, ”Alright, that's all I needed to know” and I hung up and cried.This man was introduced to me half way through my life and even though he didn’t start becoming important in it till my late teens it hurt to just let it be gone like that. It hurt for a very long time. My friends and family and everyone had to deal with my crying and hopelessness for like 3 weeks.It’s been about a year from that point. I promise I don’t just sit there and think about him all day. I live my life, I do my job and I’m pretty content. Every so often though I’ll have dreams about him and it will just make me feel like garbage all over again. My first instinct is to just wanna call him right now. I’m trying to grow and be better. I look back and see obvious judgment errors I made over the years but I can’t go back in time and change them. 

Update: He called me 2 months ago May 2019, almost a full year from us not talking to each other at all,  I was sleeping and I answered the phone with “What do you want?” He was all like “woah, I was just going through my contacts and deleting old friends and I accidentally called you.” Which I didn’t believe for a fuckin second cause if he saw his phone calling me and didn’t wanna talk to me he wouldn’t have let it ring.I was still angry with him but he said he wanted to see how I was doing and checking on me  mentally so I told him I was doing better and proceeded to let him talk for like an hour and a  half. Just about what he’s been up to. When it was my turn to talk about myself I had to let him go because I had to go do some errands.I fully understand I should have his number blocked my problem is I don’t want to. 

I understand that my want for him is not good or healthy. My brain also tells me if I win the lottery maybe he will move in with me and I can be his sugar momma. It also tells me it doesn’t matter that I get sad when he doesn’t talk to me or answer my calls. The sadness will go away eventually and you will get to talk to him eventually. He always chooses to call you back eventually. Every time. I’ve had awful thoughts of if he decided he wanted to hurt me I wouldn’t care. Anything from him is what I want. I understand I need help. I don’t need anyone to tell my that. I use yandere to help me cope. Help me stay grounded and help me have a place to vent when by brain starts doing unhealthy things that I myself know I shouldn’t do.

#yandere blog #yandere things #yandere thoughts #yandere aesthetic #yancore #yanderecore #obsession #obsessive #i love him #lovecore #lovesick #i know i have a problem #i know i need help #abusive mindset

[blahblahblippyblah]

Freinds are the Family we get to choose: Chapter 15: Fishing and Star Gazing

Check out my wolfstar jilly AU on A03.

Archiveofourown.org/works/17537060/chapters/46171921

The next day they all woke up a little later than usual. After breakfast they all took a hike out to the van. Marlene was coming in today and they needed to be there to help her bring stuff in. Sirius was excited for Marlene to come in. He had really bonded with her at school. They both shared a love for Queen and Bowie. She had a similar taste in style as him. Snuffles loved her cat, which she often snuck into the office as well. And she was the only one who got his queer jokes.

When she saw him she gave him the biggest hug.

“Sirius what the bloody hell are you doing here?” She asked when she finally let go.

“He was a stowaway” Remus answered for him.

“Hardly. I only hid in the back of the van for the three hour ride.” Sirius said lightly grinning widely.

“Well regardless I’m happy you’re here. You can help me with my surveys. “ Marlene laughed as she started handing them bags to carry.

****

Having Marlene in camp was great. Sirius enjoyed going out and helping her do her vegetation and rabbit surveys much more than spending the day helping James count deer poop, Or help Remus put out cameras.

He also leaned a lot from Marlene, she was a very skilled botanist. She slowly taught him all the local plants, and soon Sirius found himself being able to id without having to look in the little plant book she gave him. Soon he was spending his days wandering in the woods near the camp picking wild plants and berries to add to their dinner and breakfasts. Fiddle heads, carrots, garlic were his favourites. And he put raspberries and blueberries on his oatmeal every morning.

Having Marlene around was also great since she shared the same taste in music and tv. Which meant he had to listen a lot less to James’ shitty country music and more Queen and Bowie. All in all his summer was going great.

“Hey James I think I caught one!!!!” Sirius shouted out as something pulled hard on his fishing rod. He pulled back and gasped out loud as he saw the rod bend like it was going to snap.

“Holy shit!” James exclaimed beside him noticing that it wasn’t just caught on another rock this time. “Ok Pull back slowly then reel in as you come back forward.” James said throwing down his rod and jumping up and helping Sirius hold his.

“Come on you slut!!!!” Sirius shouted at the water. The fish was now visible doing its damnedest not to get near the shore.

“OK, one, two, three PULL!!!”James shouted and they both pulled back quickly flinging the fish onto the grass. It flopped around wildly. Sirius had never fished before but compared to the fish he saw in the grocery store he was pretty sure this one was a beast.

Snuffles cautiously approached the fish flopping around on the ground sniffing and giving it a look of curiously and confusion. Snuffles let out a growl as the fish made a larger spring from the ground and its tail slapped his nose.

“Ladies and gentlemen tonight we eat like kings” Sirius called loudly so that Remus and Marlene could hear from the camp. They both came out of the big canvas tent they had designated as the science tent and came over to see what the hullabaloo was about.

“Wow! way to go Sirius.” Remus said smiling at the fish which had stopped flopping and was now opening its mouth like it was gasping.

“Shit that’s a big fish” Marlene whistled as she bent down to pick it up. It took her both hands to lift it from the gills.

“What can I say? I’m the epitome of manliness and ruggedness. Wrangler extraordinaire.” He bragged.

“It’s Angler. Wrangler means you work on a ranch” Remus corrected.

“Whatever” Sirius said grinning wide.

“Well it’s pretty impressive”Marlene said handing the fish to Sirius and helping him hold it properly.

“Beginners luck” James said now reeling in his rod which only brought in weeds.

“Fine let’s eat the non existent fish you caught.” Sirius said waving is fish at James. James just shoved him in the shoulder, but he smiled at the teasing meaning he wasn’t too hurt.

“Someone take a picture of me with this before we cook it up” Sirius said reaching in his pocket for his phone. “I can’t wait to send this to mum”

*

Turns out catching the fish was the easy part. Cleaning it however wasn’t Sirius’s favourite activity. It was absolutely disgusting. It took all his will power not to faint when James made him cut it’s head off. Something about the crunching of the bones didn’t sit well with his stomach. When he slit the belly to gut it he lost his cool and threw up in the bucket that was meant for the guts. James being the unhelpful brother he was just laughed and pulled out his phone.

“Ha wait till mom sees this” James said as Sirius dry heaved and did his best not to throw up again.

“James I swear to the gods I’ll shove this fish head down your throat” Sirius threatened as he took a step away from the table to compose himself.

After a lot of gagging, and throwing up once more, the fish was cleaned and ready to be cooked. Overall it was kinda humbling doing all this to keep feed himself and his friends. Growing up as a Black he never got to do anything close to this. Kreacher always did all the cooking. When he moved in with James and Peter all he knew how to make was cereal.

Since Sirius had no confidence in his cooking skills, especially on a fire he left to cooking to James.

The fish was awesome, and went well with the rehydrated potatoes and peas. All four of them sat around the fire once the sun had with full bellies staring up at the night sky and swapping stories.

Eventually James fell asleep. Drooling onto his shirt and snoring loudly. Sirius took advantage of this position to stick some grass in his mouth which James didn’t even stir at. Marlene eventually stood up and called it a night. She shook James awake and once he spat out the grass he followed her to the tents to pack it in Sirius found himself sitting beside Remus alone in the warm glow of the dying fire. Suddenly he felt very self conscious. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to say something stupid. He noticed he was sub consciously running his hands through his hair much like James does. He stopped and carefully glanced over at Remus.

Remus’ head was laid back all the way so that it was facing the night sky. His arms were folded across his chest and his hands were bundled in the sleeves of his jumper. He looked like he was sleeping except his eyes were wide open. The sky was clear and the moon was completely dark making the stars shine brighter. They reflected in Remus’ now dark golden eyes. Puffs of vapour were coming out faintly in the cold night air as he breathed.

Sirius realized it was probably creepy that he was staring and adopted the same position as Remus instead He looked up at the sky and scanned the constellations. Growing up his family had made him and his brother learn all the names of everything in the night sky. His whole family was named after constellations, something he kept when he chose his name. It helped him remember where he came from, even if he hated every minute of his childhood. Sometimes it was hard to look up at the sky and see Orion, Narcissa, Bellatrix, Cygnus, Arcturus and many others without feeling like his relatives were up there looking down on him. However he couldn’t help but smile as he scanned the sky to find Andromeda, and Alphard. The two relatives he always looked up to. Andromeda was a lot older than him, but she was always there to look after him. She would often visit and take him out under the guise of teaching him how to act like a proper Black, but would instead take him to do fun things like go bowling, or eat street food, or swim at the public pool. She bought him his first binder which he secretly wore at school. He was so distraught when his family had disowned her. She had ran off and married a Newfie potato farmer, Ted Tonks. Something that was inexcusable as a Black. He remembers is mother screaming in rage as she burned Andromeda off the family tree tapestry when she sent a letter home telling everyone what she had done. When he ran away one of the first things he did was contact Andromeda. He even went to visit her on her farm and met Ted. Sirius loved Ted. He was easy going and always cheery. He always seemed to be whistling or singing these funny songs and poems. He was the first guy to show him how to shave. Andromeda was the one who helped him pick out his name as well.

“Sirius. That’s what your name should be. The brightest star in the sky.” She had said while they star gazed from a field behind their farm house.

Uncle Alphard was also a gem. Sirius was pretty sure Alphard is the one who gave him his mischievous personality. When he would visit Alphard would tell him stories about the pranks he would pull on Orion and Cygnus as kids, and how much grief he would give Sirius’s grandma and grandpa. Alphard never married, but always told Sirius he had no interest in that nonsense. He always said Sirius and Regulus were the only thing he really cared about anyway. When Alphard died he left all his personal fortune to Sirius. Something Sirius was sure sent his Mother into a rampage and his father into an early grave. He wishes he could have seen their faces when the lawyers read the will to them and they found out they got nothing and everything went to their disowned disappointment.

Sirius scanned some more and found Regulus. His stomach twisted. He still didn’t know how he felt about his baby brother. Regulus never did anything to hurt him purposefully. He never said anything mean to him growing up unlike his other family members. Regulus use to follow him around and hang out with him growing up. He never ratted to their mom and dad when he misbehaved at school, or how tell them how Sirius changed into the boys uniform (Jame’s extras) when they got to school. When Sirius left home he was pretty sure Regulus had been forbidden to talk to him but when Sirius ran into him sometime after moving in with the Potters Regulus had greeted him as Sirius. And he didn’t even use a rude voice while doing so. He ,eery gave him a annoyed glare and nodded at him saying “Sirius, Potter” in acknowledgement of the both of them.

Sirius didn’t know when his brother became brain washed by his family but it wasn’t long after he left Regulus stopped acting civil.

“How do you think I feel everyone knowing my brother’s a filthy queer. Running around acting like an idiot, dressing like a delinquent” Regulus had once said when Sirius ran into him at school.

Regulus may not like him anymore but he must still care about him if he called him as a brother. The whole thing confused him. James was his brother now, and really James had always been his brother. But what did that make Regulus?

He shook his head focusing again on the stars.

“There’s me” Sirius said to Remus pointing up at the brightest star above them and a little to the south.

“Huh?” Remus said turning to him with a confused look.

“The star. Sirius. The brightest star in Canis Major.” Sirius said tracing out the constellation with his outstretched arm.

Remus followed his finger up to the sky and looked up at Sirius the star too.

The both sat in the quiet as the trees swayed and rusted and the frogs chirped. Staring at the sky.

“What’s that one?” Remus asked pointing the the faint red point to the west.

“Mars” Sirius answered. Smiling because he felt a little proud and cocky at his knowledge of the night sky he was getting to show off. “And if you follow that line of stars down this way” Sirius said stretching out his hand and leading Remus’s gaze south of Mars. “That curvy line of stars is Scorpio, the scorpion constellation” Sirius pointed out. “And over there is Leo the lion, Over there Taurus the bull, and that one almost right above us is Hercules.”

Remus gazes followed his pointing as he pointed out all the cool constellations and stars he could find.

“Wow” Remus whispered out eyes scanning the blanket of black above them. “Where did you learn all this? Or is it just the result of being an astronomer?”

Sirius laughed. ”Nah my family made me and my brother learn all this as kids. Probably what made me interested in spending the rest of my life staring at boring graphs looking for distant space rocks.”

Remus turned to him like he wanted to ask something but he shut his mouth and turned his face back up.

“Still I thinks it’s a pretty cool job. I mean studying the universe is such a mystery to me. I can’t even wrap my head around the stuff we don’t know about earth much less what’s beyond it.” Remus said.

“Ya I guess that’s what great about it. I think my mind exploded the first time someone explained the Big Bang and how the universe was created.”

“That would explain a lot” Remus said with a sarcastic smile.

“Hey!” Sirius protested. “Your a sarcastic little shit. You know that?”

“Ive been told yes” Remus said grinning at him.

“Good thing you’re hot as hell or else no one would put up with you” Sirius joked back.

Remus didn’t respond but Sirius was pretty sure he could see him blushing in the dark.

They sat their continuing to marvel at the stars and Sirius told the myths and stories that went along with the constellations and planets. Something about being in the forest made it all seem too real. Like the darkness of the sky was slowly melting into the darkness of the trees around them. Or maybe he was dozing off.

He practically jumped out of his chair in terror as the silence was broken by a loud howling sound.

Remus sat up and smiled like he was listening closer to the howling. Sirius felt embarrassed at his jumpiness once he realized the sound were coming from very very far away across the lake. Two possibly three wolves were howling back and forth in the distance. Once he got over how eery it was he started to hear the beauty int he howls breaking through the night.

Beside him Remus tilted his head back and let out a howl himself. Low and mournful unlike the chatty screaming howls of the wolves across the lake. The wolves stopped howling and Remus let out another howl this time louder. He stopped and turned his head to listen. Soon the wolves started howling back in the same mournful howl. Remus howled back. He did this for awhile before turning to Sirius and smiling. By now the fire had died out completely so Remus’s face was completely in shadows. The only thing standing out was the gold in his eyes. Which made him think of wolf eyes staring out at him in the darkness, but he marked this similarity down to the sounds of the howling around him. Still the golden eyes made his heart beat faster and his head feel light. The scared him and drew him closer at the same time. This filled him with energy so he titled his head back and gave the loudest howl he could. He heard Remus chuckle beside him at as the wolves paused again to consider this addition to the chorus before copying him and going back to their more chatty like howls.

“Well at least we know there are wolves here and I’m not putting out cameras for nothing.” Remus said . Sirius laughed at that.

They stayed sitting there listening until the howls died out.

“I guess we better pack it in. It’s got to be like 3 am by now” Remus said

“Ya good idea” Sirius said standing up and stretching.

He went to step forward toward the tents and hit Remus just as Remus stood up. Remus must have been moving forward because he bounced right off his chest backwards from Sirius. Unfortunately Remus lost his balance as he fell backwards and reached out to grab something to stop his fall. In the dark Sirius didn’t see it happen but he felt Remus grab his forearm as he tripped and pulled him down with him. Siruus tried to stop their fall but his waving arms just seemed to put them more off balance and his foot caught in his lawn chair making them both crash down into the dark cold grass. Sirius fell right ontop of Remus his face planting right into the Remus’ chest. Remus let out a gasp as his back hit the ground probably knocking the wind out of him. Sirius groaned his elbow throbbing since he tried to use it to stop himself from crushing Remus and it took the majority of the weight of the fall.

“Tabarnac!” Sirius swore as he tried to correct himself. Unfortunately his legs were caught in a lawn chair preventing him from rolling off Remus. He was suddenly very aware of how their bodies were lying on top of one another. Remus was warm and soft and smelled like black tea, chocolate, under that top smell there was also the unmistakable sent of moss and rain and wool. Man why did he smell so good? Sirius had never seen the guy bath in the lake like he and James, and even with the bathing in the lake they both still smelled questionable. Sirius felt himself blushing and Remus wriggled under him trying to help him de tangle themselves and the chair in the pitch black darkness. Sirius did his best not to think about how nice it felt as Remus’ face pushed against his shoulder and his hips slide across his.

Eventually the rightened themselves and pulled themselves up again.

“I’m sorry” Sirius apologized offering his hand to help Remus stand up.

“It’s ok. I probably should not have stood up so quickly in the dark” Remus replied taking Sirius’ hand to help himself up. Sirius pulled up on Remus’ arm and Remus shot up. The guy was surprisingly light for someone so tall that he pulled to hard and Remus came flying toward him. Sirius caught Remus from falling again by pulling him close.

Now they were standing toe to and face to face. Sirius arms around Remus from trying to stop him from falling. Remus’ hands were both on Sirius’ chest. Sirius could feel the electricity shocking him from the proximity.

“Uhhh…um.. my bad” Sirius stammered out.

He could feel Remus’s smiling sarcastically in the dark which Sirius’ face flush hot.

“Thanks” Remus said. He sounded a little winded and it came out more as a whisper. Sirius smelt tea and chocolate on his breath. He felt the urge to lean forward and kiss Remus , and he was pretty sure he could feel Remus lean closer too but Sirius shook his head quickly to clear his thoughts and next thing he knew they were separated.

A light came on from the direction of Remus as the guy turned on the flashlight on his phone.

“Good idea” Sirius said following his lead. They walked back to their tent using their phone lights. They said an awkward goodnight before parting into their separate tents.

Inside the tent James and Snuffles were both snoring away so he carefully crawled into his bag. The last thing he thought about before falling asleep was how warm Remus had felt and how he had almost kissed the guy. He wondered if Remus would have kissed him back. Probably not Sirius finally decided. Why would someone that awesome want to kiss him. He put up with Sirius’s flirting but Sirius figured flirting was probably as much as Remus would tolerate fro him. Anyway why would a great guy like Remus go for him. That night he dreamed of chocolate flavoured lips and a warm body held up against him. This however was ruined the next morning when the warm body turned out to be the very hairy and smelly Snuffles who had crawled in his bag last night for warmth.

#wolfstar #remus/sirius #remus x sirius #remus lupin #james/lily #jilly #james potter #sirius black #the marauders #harrypotter fanfiction #harry potter #university au #au #camping

[ash-lita]

Self identity assignment

The Ashlita Cocktail

3 ounces of culture

2.5 ounces of family

2 ounces of friendship

1.5 ounces of work ethic

Top it off with 0.5 ounce of my dog

Shake and strain over ice and enjoy.

Drink Responsibly!

———

Ashlita - my nickname since March 21st, 1997. I can’t quite recall when that nickname left my family circle and entered my friend circle. Ashlita became more than a nickname to me. It became who I am as a person. Ashley was eradicated and Ashlita blossomed. Everyone said the name just “fit me”, whatever that means.

Now on to the cool stuff.

I am a bartender. I love to make both existing cocktails and create concoctions that no one has ever tried but that I know are going to be delicious. I love being a bartender and bartending has become a huge part of my life, so what better way to explain me than through a cocktail.

3 ounces of culture: 1 ounce Egyptian, 1 ounce Colombian, and 1 ounce “New Jerseyan”. My culture is the largest part of my self identity. I am of mixed descent and I love every ounce of it. Because of being raised in such a diverse household I’ve learned to eat everything - literally everything. From arroz con gandules to kushari, I skipped the picky eating stage of early childhood and just dove head first into the world with a large palette. Growing up in Elizabeth, NJ I became more connected with my Hispanic culture. Elizabeth is a predominantly Colombian town where my family felt most at home when they migrated here. The entirety of my mother’s side lived on the same street, North Broad Street. On that street lived my favorite bakers, chefs, musicians and every kind of person that I met in that town that I felt instantly connected to. My favorite restaurants were there. My favorite bakery was there. My church and halls where I would listen to live music with my grandma and my sister were there too. My entire world was condensed and placed on North Broad Street.

I didn’t start to identify with my Egyptian roots until I was a little older. My fathers side was in Egypt except for my father and his two best friends. He came to the states relatively young so he was very Americanized. Unlike my mother, he didn’t move to a town where majority of the population were people of the same descent, so he had adapted to the American lifestyle very fast, but still held every connection to his Egyptian self so close to the heart. He made Egyptian foods for dinner and played the Quran on cassette tapes throughout the house. My favorite song for a while growing up was Ah W Noss by Nancy Ajram because that was one of my dads favorite songs so it was only right that it became one of mine. Everything about Egypt fascinated me because I was surrounded by Colombian culture every day and I craved more of Egypt. Unfortunately I was never taught Arabic.

My jersey culture is my true self. I only think this because in New Jersey there is no specific cookie cut culture. Everyone I’ve met has been from a different region of the world and has had such magnificent stories to tell about their family life and what makes them unique to New Jersey. Jersey club music pumps through my blood and veins. I like pork roll, egg and cheese, on an everything bagel with salt, pepper and ketchup. Yup, pork roll NOT Taylor ham because I’m from central jersey (yes we exist) and that’s how we say it. I look forward to Tiki Monday’s, Bar A Tuesday’s, and Djais Thursday theme nights every week over the summer. I love driving 3-4 hours in one direction and still being in the same state because of all the traffic we have. I like our abrasiveness and how rude we can be but will always care for one another. I may be cut from 2 different cloths but New Jersey sewed them together for me and made me into one unique piece that you can’t find anywhere else.

2.5 ounces of family: my family is very small despite my entire mother’s side immigrating to the states together. My immediate family was my mother, my father, and my two brothers.

My actual family was my mother, my father, my two brothers, my cousin who lived with us and my two dogs. My family is a big part of my life because it’s so small that I want to hold it as close as I can. Unfortunately my father and my cousin are no longer here with me. My cousin died in 2007 and my father just last year. Because of the two deaths my family became very broken. My mom and brothers moved to Florida and I am here alone. It’s hard and very sad on some days more than others, but the values, laughs, and precious moments that I shared with my family have left an everlasting mark on me. I am a direct reflection of my family and I love everything about me because I know that I am them, and regardless of the loss I might have had in my family I know that I will carry them with me through the values I uphold, the jokes that I laugh at, the heartbreaks I withstand, the food that I eat and the clothes that I wear because that was them and now it’s me.

2 ounces of friendship: Since I am living in New Jersey all by myself, my friends have become my family. They have helped me go through the hardest parts of my life and have remained by my side through it all. I have a very close knit group of friends that I share my happiest and my saddest moments with. They would swim across the ocean for me if they had to and I am so grateful for them but they’re more than friends to me. These people have become my little family.

1.5 ounces of work ethic: I am a full time student and a full time bartender. I work extremely hard to keep myself afloat in this wave pool called life. Since I live on my own I have to work full time to pay all of my bills and I have to go to school full time in order to keep my financial aid. I work extremely hard and I’m constantly very tired. I know my work ethic made me the strongest person I know. As much as I would love to have an easier life I wouldn’t take any of this back.

Lastly top off your Ashlita cocktail with half an ounce of my puppy: her name is Arya and her first birthday is in 2 weeks. Who knew a 16 pound ball of fur would become my everything. I only put half an ounce of Arya in my cocktail because just the tiniest bit of her makes my life that much sweeter and stronger. She makes me feel loved when she gets excited to see me after a double shift work or after a shower that took longer than it should’ve which made her miss me just as much. She’s given me strength to go through my father’s death and gives me all the kisses and snuggles I didn’t know I needed.

Once you put all of these ingredients in a shaker tin, shake and strain over ice. Now you have me. Delicious, strong, different, beautiful and unique. Some days I might have a heavier hand and I might be a little more sour than anticipated. Other days I’m too sweet. Sometimes I’m too strong other times I’m too weak. But that’s what makes me uniquely me.

[awifehangingon]

Chapter 1

My brother was born on November 27th. I was nine years old. His mother was nineteen when she found out she was pregnant and told my dad that she wanted to move away from the town that we were living in. My dad transferred to a different location that was in a smaller town. I knew that I was going to have a younger sibling, but I still didn’t forgive my parents for having my younger sister. I was trying to ignore the newest addition. My grandmother picked me up when my brother’s mom went into labor. I got to spend time with them and when I heard that my new brother was born, I asked them to pull over so I can pick flowers for her. We went to the house and I remember vividly looking at my brother with my other siblings. We stood over his white bassinette and we looked at his little squished face. We didn’t have much experience with babies. We kept telling each other to poke the baby to make sure he was ok. I remember my sister asking was we’re going to name him. My brother told us that our dad already named him Steven. My sister and I felt that we should have a say. We also told my brother that he can’t be named Steven, because we already knew a Steven. Because thems the rules when you’re a child. While we were talking the baby pinched his face and started crying. We all ran away from the bassinette. 

Steven was always smiling or crying. I decided when he was old enough to crawl, that he was my favorite. He would crawl to where I was sitting or into my room. He was a pudgy baby. When I think of how he was when he was a baby, he was like my son. Both pudgy, happy, and always climbing on stuff. I would carry him all over the place. I didn’t know that his parents were always fighting and arguing. His mom told my dad that she was suffocating in such a small town and needed somewhere bigger to live. If she didn’t get it, then she would go back to Arizona and take Steven with her. 

My father was married to my mom when they found out she was pregnant with my older brother. This was in the senior year of high school. My mom was shunned by her family and everyone, except my grandfather and my dad. They had their struggles when my brother was born. I was born two years later. By that time they were more stable. But like most high school pregnancies and weddings, it was not filled with happy marital bliss. Depending on which relative you ask, you’ll get the story on which of my parents cheated. Knowing both of them now, I have a pretty good idea. My sister was the result of a birth control not working. They divorced when I was five and my sister was two months old. 

This was not an easy break, horrible things were done to my sister. It was the reason that my dad received full custody of three kids in New Mexico. Child Protective Services wanted to take my sister away while she was at a hospital. My dad and his parents and siblings took several car seats into the hospital without most people knowing. My dad had a restraining order against my mom and her new boyfriend. They each took a baby blanket and covered the car seats and each person bolted from the hospital with a car seat. Police officers chased the vehicles that went separate directions. 

One vehicle made it to the reservation, it was my aunt with my sister. Back then, state or county police were not allowed on the reservation. Only federal agencies were allowed, but no one trusted them and wouldn’t cooperate with them. 

When my little brother’s mother was demanding to move, my sister was four years old. My dad just barely started letting my mom visit us again. I know he was worried that he could lose his son if she left. So, he quit his job (because it was a reservation only job) and we moved to a larger town. My dad moved to the same town that my aunt lived in. He got her a house with a big back yard, a tree, and a playground. But he needed a job to afford the things she wanted. I don’t know if it was that she didn’t want to get a job, or my dad was being old fashioned and didn’t want her to get a job. Whichever way it was, she stayed at home. My dad took a job or two in the next city. I know she wanted him to come home every day he worked, so he drove two and a half hours to get here and two and a half to get back. I use to hear them arguing about him getting a hotel for the week and how it would save money. She said no.

Steven was about a year old when we lived in this town. He was adorable. He went from crawling to running everywhere. Because my aunt lived in the town, we got to visit her and my cousins a lot. I remembered them as not having much in common with us. The younger cousin was my brother’s age, the older was in high school. My younger cousin was obsessed with the Backstreet Boys or N*Sync, one of them. She had Barbie dolls and posters all over the place. Her sister was into metal and wore black. She also had long dark nails and got to wear make-up. I use to think she was so cool. 

We would visit their house and my aunt would take us to the play grounds near and we would run and play with Steven. After running and playing, my aunt would make us sandwiches and give us snacks. As a chubby child, I really enjoyed that part. To this day, my aunt’s house still smells like cookies. 

We had a regular schedule with our mom at this point. We lived in this town for two years. Steven was talking his babbly baby talk. He annoyed his mom my calling her “Cinda” just like we did. When my mom would visit to pick us up for a break or holiday, Steven would run out with us and yell “mom, mom!” He would see my mom there and turn around and run back to the house yelling for Cinda. I knew that Cinda and my mom didn’t like each other. Later I found out that Cinda wanted to be married, but my dad told her he won’t get married again until my mom changes her name back to her maiden name. And my mom was petty like that, but now she says it’s just too much of a hassle. 

Every time we came back, Steven would run to me and I always gave him some contraband candy or snack. For at least a week after we got back, he would be by our sides. When it the summer of the year that he would turn three, my dad told us that we would be moving again. My grandpa had a house built in the small village where he was born and him and his wife were going to move there. This left the lot where he was living open. My grandpa’s dream was to have his kids happy with their own house. My dad is the youngest of five kids. He was the only one that wanted to move back to his small town. So my grandpa and him got a trailer that was being moved onto the lot. 

We moved that summer so that we could all start school in the fall. I was excited to start school again. Steven was excited, he was going to share a room with my brother. He got a new toddler bed and enjoyed all the sand around the area. We would walk with him down to the convenience store and get snacks. There was a small flea market area that was between the stores and our home. Sometimes, my dad or Cinda would give us money to get sno-cones or food to bring back. My grandma lived in that town and I got to see her a lot, which was great. She was my grandma on my mother’s side, but she never treated Steven any different. She would pick us up and take us into town for pizza or McDonald’s. Everywhere we went with my dad, people would recognize him and stop him for a conversation. 

It wasn’t long before Cinda didn’t like everyone knowing my dad, or worse asking about my mom. It was early in the school year. She said she was going to visit her mom in Arizona. She had my grandpa watch us and she left with Steven. This was a little after my grandpa lost his wife, Annie. My dad was still working in the city. He rushed back and I heard him yelling and my grandpa talking to him. 

My dad left for a week or so to go find Steven. He wasn’t able to. That was the first time I’ve ever seen my dad cry.  

#grief journal #depression #story

[femnet]

December 10th 1963 – that’s the day my dad was born. The youngest of five! Two sisters, two brothers. Surrounded by seven dogs in his childhood, all German shepherds. His dad worked for a company that allowed him to go to the République du Congo, his mother was a stay-at-home mom without a license. I never really got to meet my grandparents; my grandma died when I was six, my granddad died a few months later, when I was seven. I don’t remember much about them, but I always wonder how much of them my dad took with him. How much they are alike. And how much I am like my father now.

I grew up in a happy home. Most of the time anyway. My parents both worked, I am their only child, except for a half-sister I haven’t seen in a long time. She’s also nine years older than me, so for most of our lives we were at completely different stages and had nothing to bond over.

My dad was very westphalian – strong, sturdy, hard-worker, handyman. I wanna say “gender roles were very apparent in my family”, but at the same time my mother was a working mother, worked her way up to team leader in her company around two years ago. She’s a go-getter, while my dad was always comfortable with the simple life. In hindsight, I never really understood how they fell in love in the first place! But that’s besides the point.

Like I said, my dad is from a simple, 50s/60s household. His oldest sister died a few years ago, she was 16 years older than him. Then two brothers, a sister, and then him. They never had a ton of money, because it was one working parent, but they had a good life, from what I can tell from the pictures. There was never violence in my household, and when my mom told my dad that she had cheated on him and wanted a divorce, he was heartbroken. It turned his life around completely. He’s ok now, has been in a relationship for four years, lives with his girlfriend and they have two dogs together. I wanna say it turned him into a better person.

When I was a teenager, we didn’t have a good relationship. He was the westphalian worker, the man of the house. Not that my mother didn’t get to make decision, or that he undermined her authority. He never did that! But he got loud quickly. I was angry at him a lot, but that was more of my teenage mindset than anything else. I knew he only wanted what was best for me, I know now that I was an extremely lazy teen and my dad knew that I had a lot more to give the world. I was intelligent enough to reach for the stars, but I did the exact opposite, and that frustrated him. But there was one thing we always bonded on: sports. In two different ways!

When I was a child, around four years old, my dad would always sit me down on the breakfast table on Sundays, and we’d recite all the players of his favorite football team, FC Bayern München. He’d say their first names, I’d yell out their last names. He’d say Mario, I’d yell Basleeeeer! He’d say Jürgen, I’d yell Klinsmaaaaann. It was our thing. Then he went on to ask me things like who created the first car? (Carl Benz), what’s the theory of relativity? (E=mc²), what’s PPE short for? (Polypropylen)… and a lot of other things. Lots of spelling, lots of fun questions to keep my little brain occupied.

When I was seven I started playing basketball. That was another thing we bonded over. He was the dad that was always there, and I never cared. My mom drove me to practice, on the weekends we’d travel the country for my games. I loved having them there, it made me feel special. They were rooting for me, and for the most part my dad held back and didn’t tell me what to do better, like you hear about a lot of soccer dads – only mine was a basketball dad, I guess. We lived for my sport, and it brought us closer and he made me reach goals and believe in myself, made me take steps forward that I wouldn’t have taken otherwise. We were a team outside of the team, he would’ve driven to the end of the world for his little superstar. My parents paid for seven weeks at a basketball camp, between 2005 and 2009. I was living the best life!

A lot of things have happened in my 23 years of knowing my dad. I live 500 miles away from home now, seven hours by train, six-and-a-half hours by car (four hours, according to my dad, thanks to non-existent German autobahn speed limits). I call him a lot, so he knows I still love him. For his birthday last year I bought him an FC Bayern München football jersey with his name and the number 63 on it. He works at a sports store, so I got a few bucks off and a colleague of his got it for me! For this year I got him tickets to go see Bayern München play in February 2018. We planned on doing it last year, but he had a slipped disc a day prior and couldn’t drive all the way down to Munich because he was in too much pain.

In all honesty? I don’t know where I’m going with this. Maybe this is just a post for myself, but writing this is opening my eyes to a lot of things. My dad is from a simple background, a simple family. When this “refugee crisis” happened in 2015, I thought he would be one of those who either wouldn’t have an opinion, or have an opinion that maybe even swayed to the right. Not that he’d ever said anything against any of my friends who were of color, or said anything about people of color in general. But he’s a simple man. And in the news, the simple men are always the ones complaining. Or the super rich, white dudes. But my dad defended the refugees! He told me it’s not their fault there’s war in their country, told me about a story he’d heard on the radio about how many people’s papers are getting lost by our government and beaurocracy, and that if they wanna direct their anger towards anyone, it should be the government and all the people making mistakes, not the refugees who have no control over any of this. 

He didn’t go to school for very long, quit school after year nine to go to work and support himself. That’s what it was like back then. Again, a simple man. But I went to school, finished after year 13, now I’m in college. I am my own person, but I see a lot of my dad in me. I am definitely his daughter and I am so proud of it. He’s a loud-mouth sometimes, his opinions can cause some friction, or at least him speaking about those opinions so openly, which is something I wish I could do. I have trouble calling someone on the phone or saying “you didn’t hand out enough money” at the cash register… but maybe that’ll come at some point in my life! He’s always my biggest fan, he’ll defend me, he accepts my choices and he’ll tell me when I’m wrong. My dad is my best friend. A daughter’s first love is her dad – and that’s true. He lets me make my own decisions, but I know that he’ll always be there for me when I mess up. He’s never threatened a boy I brought home, he never told me I can’t do something, but if I did something and failed then that was a lesson to me that maybe this specific thing wasn’t for me. He teaches me that life isn’t all about the riches, that you can be happy with anything you have. He lives in a house, with a huge garden, two dogs, his girlfriend, her parents. They have friends surrounding them, people coming over for birthdays, big parties. For his 50th birthday there were around 40 people in our garage who were all there for him. Siblings, colleagues, friends from his past and his present. And it makes me so happy for him. If there’s one thing in life that I want the most, is for him (and my mom, of course) to know that they are loved by the people around them! We all have our personality traits that people are bothered by, but at the same time there’s a lot of things that make us wonderful. And my dad is one of the most wonderful people I know.

I love my dad. Today is his birthday. I can’t be there to celebrate with him because it’s expensive to go up to where he lives, but that’s ok with him. We’ve talked about that before. I am so glad I have a dad who’s there for me the way he is, and who treats me with so much respect in a world where a lot of men still think they own their daughters like some kind of property. He’s a great man, a hard worker, he can fix anything without even thinking twice about what he’s doing. He mesmerizes me every single day. Happy Birthday, dad! And happy birthday to all the dads out there. If you have a great relationship with your dad, make sure you let him know how much you appreciate him. Give him a call, send him a little card, whatever it is that you do… make sure he knows he’s important to you, and strengthen your bond with the man who gave you life. I am so glad and know how privileged I am to have a dad in my life who loves me unconditionally.

Here’s to all the dads – and today, here’s to mine especially! Happy Birthday, BigK!

#by elle #fathers #real life #happy birthday bigk

[leisurelypanda]

Here We Go Again chapter 6

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11776227/chapters/27338622

Thanksgiving Day had arrived. Craig’s family was coming over later that day. All of them. Craig said that they wanted to offer their in person congratulations on their expecting another set of twins. Michael suspected that they were also going to extend their good humored, yet heartfelt condolences. So all five of his siblings were coming in from across the country with their families along with Craig’s parents. Smashley, was apparently seeing someone and spending the day with them, for which Michael was immensely grateful. He really wasn’t in the mood for awkward conversations with the ex during the holidays, even if she did have advice for him.

That being said, he was currently watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with the girls as far away from the kitchen as he could get. Joseph insisted that karma didn’t exist, but today Michael was convinced of it because why else would a pregnant person wake up on Thanksgiving day excited to eat only to have his nausea triggered by whatever was cooking. Craig hadn’t actually started cooking the turkeys yet (he was just stuffing them), but Amanda had woken up early to get the World Famous St. Claire Green Bean CasseroleTM cooked before the double oven was taken over by the turkeys. It was one of his favorite parts of Thanksgiving, and this year it turned his stomach.

You’re going to have to learn how to like green bean casserole eventually, kids, he projected to his children. You’re not allowed to be my biological offspring and not like it, but love seafood. At least he had been awake enough yesterday to make the corn pudding, which came with no side effects at all.

“What is that?” Briar asked, pointing at the TV. He realized that he had dozed off a bit and opened his eyes. One of the floats was… strange. It was a giant, yellow… was it a rabbit? It had a lightning bolt shaped tail and red cheeks and large, expressive eyes that looked vaguely like a Japanese cartoon.

“I seriously need to improve your knowledge of nerd culture,” Amanda said. Behind her Craig wiped his hands staring bemused at the screen.

“This is nerd culture?” he asked.

“You two were what, teenagers in the 90s and you don’t know what a Pikachu is?” she asked shocked.

“I think it’s cute,” Hazel said. “Look at its cheeks.”

“If you say so,” Craig said. “The turkeys are in the oven, so if anyone needs to bake something, you’ll have to wait 4-5 hours.”

“I should be fine as long as there’s time to reheat the corn pudding before the meal actually starts,” Michael said, closing his eyes again. He seemed more tired today than most days, though there was still lots of time before the family started arriving.

Craig walked over and sat down next to him and Michael laid his head on his shoulder. “How’re our little hybrid bros?”

“I’m convinced they’re males,” he murmured.

Craig chuckled. “Why’s that?”

“Yeah, Pops, how would you know?” Amanda demanded.

“Because you didn’t give me nearly as much trouble,” he said.

“Maybe the doctor was wrong about you having twins and you’re having triplets!” Hazel said excitedly.

Michael’s eyes flew open. “Don’t even joke about that,” he said.

“Why? What’s wrong with triplets?” Briar demanded.

“Nothing,” Michael said. “I just don’t want to tempt fate into giving us four babies in the same house when we’re already about to have three. Just think about all the diapers!”

He felt Craig make a face. “Yeah, please, no tempting fate.”

“But what if they were triplet boys?” Hazel asked.

“Boys and girls are just as messy at that stage in life,” Michael said. “They just tend to be dressed differently for some reason.” **************************************************************************************************

A few hours after the turkeys were put in the oven, the family started to arrive. First were Craig’s parents carrying a couple homemade pumpkin pies. Michael had to physically stop Amanda from absconding with them by braving his pregnancy nausea to take the pies to the kitchen himself and suggesting that she get to know Craig’s parents better. They were so small, it was almost shocking to think that Craig was their child with his broad shoulders and muscled body. But when Craig’s mother embraced him, he could feel the muscular sinews of her arms, just like when he was in college.

“Michael,” she said warmly. “It’s so good to see you again.”

“It’s good to see you again, too, Mrs. Cahn,” he replied smiling.

“Honey, you’re dating my son,” she said, “Call me Courtney, I insist.”

“Okay, I will. Courtney, this is my daughter, Amanda.”

Courtney hugged Amanda fiercely and took her face in her hands. Amanda looked vaguely like a deer in headlights. Michael’s parents weren’t very physical, certainly not the sort to hug people they just met.  She hugged and high-fived her dad, but that was different.

“You seem like a bright girl,” she said. “Welcome to the family. Call me Grandma.”

Craig’s father, Bryce, was just as warm and the twins ran to jump into his arms and he picked them up with ease. Okay, maybe it makes complete sense for Craig to be buff. Michael thought.

Amanda began telling her new grandparents about herself, her photography, how her first semester in college had gone, and how she and her roommate had snuck a rabbit into their dorm room and named her Carla. Courtney remarked how much she reminded her of Michael and Craig in their college days and produced Craig’s worst nightmare. A photo album.

While Amanda was laughing hysterically at the embarrassing and extensive photographic evidence of her new family’s antics, more of said family with more food for the dinner. Craig’s huge gaggle of a family trickled in a little bit at a time. One of them brought in creamy mashed potatoes. Another brought in a pan of cornbread. One brought a cranberry jelly with pineapple, walnuts, and apple bits. Someone else brought in caramelized butternut squash. The last sibling to walk through the doors apparently couldn’t cook and had various tubs of ice cream and a few bottles of vodka.

“So there is someone other than me with a tendency to burn things in the kitchen,” Michael said, feeling satisfied.

“Yeah, they can’t cook, but they mix a mean drink,” Craig admitted.

“I expect you to drink mine for me,” Michael said.

“Don’t worry Pops, I got your back, I’ll take one for the team!” Amanda shouted from the living room.

“As long as you live in the same house as me,” Michael replied, “I won’t give you permission to drink until you’re of age.”

“This from the same person who roomed with my son,” Bryce said.

“Ouch.” **************************************************************************************************

FINALLY the food was done and everyone lined up to help themselves to the various foods assembled. The small army of cousins ran to the front of the line and piled their plates high with food. When Michael had his food he camped out in the living room with Courtney, who was on an ottoman right in front of the tv waiting for “the damn game to start.” Amanda joined him, having decided that her new grandma was her new favorite person.

“Careful, don’t get in her way when the game starts,” Hazel warned.

“But grandma is so sweet,” Amanda protested.

“You know nothing, Amanda,” one of the cousins replied.

They were right. As soon as the game started, Courtney was shouting at the TV like the players could actually hear her critiquing them. Still, Michael was pretty sure their neighbors could definitely hear her. She also didn’t just shout. She cursed. Like a sailor. Michael hoped someone was covering River’s ears so that she didn’t grow up knowing how to drop f-bombs or something.

“This happens every year?” Michael asked after she shouted “What the fuck did they teach you in high school football? Fucking ballet?!?!” at the TV.

“She’s… passionate about the Detroit Lions,” Craig admitted.

“Passionate?” he asked. “I’m concerned about our little hybrid bros will come out cursing.”

Aside from that, the dinner passed more or less uneventfully. Old debates were rehashed and Amanda chose which sides she would take. Michael met Craig’s older siblings at last. All the moms wanted to know exactly when the babies were due, when he had known, and how the pregnancy had gone so far. It was so different from Michael’s family (his mother still called him Michelle). But Craig’s family just accepted him from the moment he came home with him for the first time in college. Courtney had declared that he was part of the family and that was that.

During one commercial break (the Lions were losing) Courtney got off her ottoman and addressed her family like an empress addressing her court. “I believe all of you owe me something.”

Every adult in the room except for Craig and Michael got out their wallets and took out $20 and one by one delivered it to the family matriarch. Craig looked at the nearest relative and asked, “What exactly is going on?” It was his brother Greg.

“We all took bets on if/when you two would end up with each other,” he explained. “Mom was the only one who insisted that you two would end up together before she died. Everyone else thought that it was pretty clear that neither of you were interested in the other, especially after you each started dating different people.”

“All of you bet against us?” Michael asked.

“Well, yes. I mean, we all thought that you two would end up together once,” he said a bit defensively. “But after college was over and you were both happily dating someone else, we figured it wouldn’t happen.”

“I always knew that it would happen,” Courtney boasted. “I know my boys better than they know themselves.”

“I’d disagree, but she’s right,” Craig admitted. “Do we get a cut since we actually made sure you won?”

“I’ll make you a set of baby clothes,” she said. “Mama’s going clubbing.”

Amanda snorted gracefully. “Happy Thanksgiving, fam.”

#craig cahn x dadsona #amanda ann #hazel cahn #briar cahn #river cahn #thanksgiving chapter #Here We Go Again #fanfic

[assbuttyourlife]

When We Were Young - Chapter One

Pairing : Misha/OFC

Warnings : trauma, PTSD, family members’ death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), cheating. Long fic. Angst, fluff and smut will come later in the story.

Words : 2698

Summary : After her grandmother's funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.

Note : I was deeply touched after watching a video of Misha tearing up telling us the story of his childhood. I started daydreaming about it, and I couldn't get it out of my head, so I decided to write it down. Even if it's based on Misha's real story and what he kindly chose to share with us, I do not know him personally (or any of the real characters mentioned in this story), and a lot of my work is just out of my weird and twisted imagination.

Though Misha won't appear in the first three chapters, he is mentioned in every single one of them. I needed the back story to be settled before throwing him in Lily's life.

Please keep in mind this is my first fic ever, and english is not my native language, but I had the incredible luck to find the most patient beta ever to help me for the first chapters: @dixseptdixhuit.

No hate towards Vicki or any member of Misha's family here, I truly respect Misha's personal life and I just didn't want to pretend he wasn't married in this story.

Also, I will post the first four chapters today because I’ve already posted them before but I only linked to AO3 and I thought this way would be better. (And I will try to make a masterlist because it will be very long)

Oh, and I will love you forever if you give me some feedback. (good or bad, but if it’s bad it has to be constructive so I can improve lol)

CHAPTER 1 - Family

“Ugh, that smell!” Lily exclaimed, unable to suppress her gag reflex. That was a stupid idea really. Here they were, at 11pm, burning stuff on a beach in Seattle in order to move on after a horrible break up... like silly teenagers! She was thirty-eight, for God's sake!

“You okay, sweetie?” Katie asked, suddenly worried, gently laying a hand on Lily's shoulder. She had weird and silly ideas sometimes, but she was Lily's best friend and she deeply loved that woman. She had known her for a very long time. They had met when Lily was seventeen and Katie was fifteen, back when she started her new life in France, when everything in her life was chaos, and she owed her a lot. So much! They never left each other again and when Lily had the opportunity to go back in the US, it was just obvious to bring Katie with her. They just couldn't live apart from each other.  Katie had been here when Lily was completely lost and she was very grateful for that.

“Yeah, I just hate that smell with all of my guts.”

“What smell? Fire? I like it.”

“Yeah. You know perfectly why I hate it. And what are we anyway? Twelve?”

“Oh come on, Lily! You found that bastard in bed with one of your coworkers! In YOUR bed, right after your grandmother's funeral! Really that's the least you could do, he's just lucky I don't burn him alive for what he did to you.”

“Don't say that...”

“Sorry... I didn't mean to... I just mean – ”

“Whatever.” Lily interrupted.  “Let's get this over with and go home. I'm tired and I have a fucking long day waiting for me tomorrow. If I have to deal with her stupid face at work, I need at least to be as pretty as I can for her to be super jealous and hate me as much as I hate her, which means I need my beauty rest.”

“Yes... because you're old now so beauty rest is not an option anymore, right?” Katie said with a huge grin on her face.

She actually made Lily laugh with her comment.

“You're over thirty too, moron, I can see your wrinkles even from here! That means you need it too! Let's go.”

“Alright grandma, let's roll!” Katie answered playfully, dancing on the beach, happy to go back home after such an awful day.

____________

When they arrived at their place in Seattle, it was already late. They both lived in the same apartment complex near the ocean, but not on the same floor. Lily's apartment was on the second floor and Katie lived right up on the third floor.

“Goodnight Kat. And thank you for everything.” Lily hugged her friend tight.

“You're welcome, Lily. We'll laugh about it in a while, you'll see.”

“Sure. Try not to be late tomorrow.” Lily winked at her best friend before entering her apartment and closing the door behind her. Katie was always late and she always had an excuse. It became a game to mock her about it and she had to admit the more she tried to find a good excuse, the more Lily enjoyed teasing her.

“You know me!” she heard Katie scream through the door. God, Katie, the neighbors!

Lily turned on the light, threw her keys on the kitchen counter and went straight to the bathroom. She needed a shower before going to bed. Mostly to get rid of the horrible smell of fire that was still laying on her clothes, almost penetrating her skin.

As she stood under the warm spray of water, trying to relax, she sighed deeply and thought about her day. What a day... Her grandmother died last week; she was everything to her, literally the last member of her family, and now she was gone for good. Lily realized she was now truly alone, and she felt empty, sad and lost. She had not felt like that for a long time but there she was, crying in her shower, thinking about her family.

She was lucky to have friends to help her feel better, and she used to have a boyfriend too... but that was gone too. God, that jerk! Who does that? Cheating on her was already terrible, but she had to find out today?? She threw those thoughts away for now, she had to focus on something else, she would have time to move on with her love life later.

So yes, she had very dear friends, like Katie, and some nice coworkers too (except that bitch!), but it wasn't the same, they were not family. They were not home...

Home... as she finally laid in her bed, she thought about that word. Home.

Next week, she would have to go back where she grew up, where she had her most precious memories, the happiest part of her life, but also the scariest and the saddest when it ended.

Home. She used to try so hard to forget and not think about it anymore. But after her grandma died, she couldn't think about something else, it was like losing it all over again, and as she was trying to fall asleep, she was still thinking about it. Home... She had a home, she had a family, she was loved, she was happy, and it had ended brutally.

********************************

August 1990. Nice – France.

“Elise Hagen?”

She stood up slowly and walked the few steps separating her from the woman who called her name.

Dr Dorville, psychiatrist, extended her hand, inviting her to come in her office. She entered the room and scanned it quickly. Yellowish walls, a huge wooden desk, two chairs, lots of books on shelves, a huge carpet on the floor, some plants and a few candles, a tissue box on the desk, a sofa near the window... Typical.

“Nice to meet you, Elise. I'm Dr Dorville. Please have a seat.” The doctor said with a nice smile.

“Thanks. I prefer Lily.”

“Alright Lily. Make yourself comfortable. Today I'm just going to ask you a few questions to know you better. You can relax.”

She sat, put her dark blond hair behind her ears, crossed her legs and swallowed deeply. She was so damn nervous. She didn't want to be here, in this office, in this country, on this freaking continent. Everything was different and she felt like an alien from another dimension. Lily noticed something strange right away though.

“You speak English?...” Lily asked shyly, almost ashamed.

“Yes.” Dr Dorville paused and looked at her, still smiling. “I know you're not from here and it must be hard for you to adapt when you don't even speak the language, so I thought I could at least make the effort. Don't mind my terrible accent though, I just can't help it. Plus I need you to be as honest and open as possible and I'm pretty sure you can't do that if you speak a foreign language and can't find your words, right?”

“Right.” Lily agreed. She at least could appreciate that this woman was trying to make her feel less weird and more comfortable. That was kind of a good start. Plus the french accent was kinda cute, to be honest.

“So, let's start easy.” The doctor sat behind her desk and checked her computer. “Your full name is Elise Grace Hagen, you're 16, born June 9th 1974 in Hartford, am I correct?” she asked nonchalantly.

“Yes.”

“How long have you been in Nice?”

“About a month.” Lily sighed. This was already super boring.

“Do you want to tell me about your family?” Dr Dorville asked cautiously.

“Do I have to? I'm pretty sure you already know everything you need to.”

“I know some indeed. I'd like to hear it from you though, if you don't mind.” She observed Lily silently until she spoke again.

“Fine.” Lily sighed and looked down at her hands, playing with her fingers. “I was living in a huge farm in Northfield with my mother and my little brother. My grandmother lived a few miles away in Litchfield. My father passed when I was ten in a car accident.” She spoke too fast and then stopped, still playing nervously with her fingers, not wanting to give too many details. She knew she would have to eventually, but it was her first session and she wasn't ready yet.

“What was your brother's name? How old was he?” The doctor asked, and Lily couldn't help noticing she used the past tense.

“Ryan... He was six,” was all Lily could answer.

“Any other relatives?”

“No. I don't have a big family. It was just us.”

“Would you say you felt lonely because you had a small family?”

Here we are... the how do you feel questions.

“No. We had a lot of friends.”

“So you had a great social life then?”

“Yes. My grandfather was a great man, he was respected because he did a lot of good around him, especially for the kids in our area, so everybody kinda knew us thanks to that, more or less.”

“Where is your grandfather now? You didn't mention him earlier.”

“He passed away a few years ago. He was older than my grandma.”

“I see. That's a lot of deaths for such a small family. I'm sorry to hear that, Lily.” Dr Dorville said honestly.

“Yeah... That was just the beginning though. But you know that already, am I wrong?” Lily started to be pissed: so many useless questions when she knew the doctor had her file right on her damn computer.

“Of course not. I have your file indeed, but you're here to talk about yourself, right? If you can't even talk about the basic facts about you and your family, I'm afraid it's gonna be a problem to talk about what happened recently. Don't worry, we'll get through that, but not today. I just need you to trust me, I'm here to help you. You know that, right?”

Lily could feel the lump in her throat, but she knew she had to move on and she couldn't do it alone.

“Yes.” She honestly answered.

“Good. So... You said you were living in a huge farm with your mother and your six year-old brother... That sounds like a lot to deal with for a single woman and two kids. How were you managing?”

“We could afford some help from local farmers, money was never a problem for us, and we often had people staying at our house.”

“People?”

“Yes, umm... My mom and my grandparents liked to help people in need and we had a big house, so they thought it was normal to help as much as we could.”

“That's very generous. Was there someone living with you when... when it happened?”

Lily noticed the hesitation in her voice, and she was actually glad she avoided that subject for now.

“There was a family, yes... A single mother and her two sons. My mom and her had become good friends a few years before, and when Mom heard they were in town but homeless, she wanted to help. So she offered them to stay with us.”

“Did you like these people too?”

“Yes. They are... They were very good people.” She swallowed the lump in her throat again.

“Then why won't you name them?”

“Why should I?”

“Because they were real people... Naming them is part of the process.”

That fucking past tense again!

Yes they were real people and now they're all gone so what's the point?

Dr Dorville was silent again, patiently waiting for Lily's answer, not pushing but looking her in the eyes with a sympathetic smile on her face.

“Rebecca, Sasha, and Misha.” Oh, the fucking load of guilt that just punched through her heart when she actually voiced their names!

“There.” The doctor smiled once more. “I know this is hard for you, but you're doing really great. How old were Sasha and Misha?”

Oh please, God, will this be over soon?

She fidgeted uncomfortably in her chair and sighed deeply again.

“Sasha was thirteen and Misha was sixteen.”

“Oh, so Misha was your age, did you go to school together?”

Lily really started to lose her patience here.

“For a little while only. They were traveling quite often and I was going to a private school they couldn't afford.”

“Ok, that's good!” The Doctor said with a sincere smile. “So I have one last question for you and I promise it will be over.” The woman paused and put her arms on the desk, crossing her fingers and staring directly in Lily's eyes.

Why do I have a bad feeling about this? Lily silently asked herself.

“What are you expecting from our sessions?”

Oh... good question. She was the shrink, she was supposed to know that much better than anyone, right? Lily sighed again but took her time to think about her answer, and her eyes turned a little darker.

“I would like...” she started and thought again, “I want to forget my past, stop hurting and move on with my life.” Tears were now threatening to fall but she managed to blink them away.

“Why would you want to forget your past?”

“You said only one more question...”

“Humor me.”

“Because it hurts too much.” Lily couldn't hold her tears back at that point, and she mentally cursed herself, but she suddenly couldn't stop speaking.

“I can't go on with my life if I'm obsessed with the bad things that happened to my family, and I'm scared of what I could do if I keep being obsessively guilty about it. I don't want my grandma to worry about me, she's been through enough already, I just don't want to be a burden for her.”

Where did that come from? She did not plan to talk that much on her first session.

“This is the point, Lily: you can't change your past, and you can have your life back even when you remember everything that happened to you. Good or bad. That's why I'm here, I'll make sure you can deal with your past and use it to move on without forgetting who you are or trying to be someone else. And I will prove you that you're not guilty of anything, and you're certainly not a burden for your grandmother who loves you enough to fly to another continent to start all over. Do you believe we can do that together?”

“I... I don't know.”

“It's okay. You're probably lost right now and it's totally understandable, but I can assure you we can do this, taking baby steps, and it's gonna be okay in the end. That is, if you really want it, though.”

“I do,” she answered honestly.

“Alright then. I guess it's gonna be it for today. You did really great I'm very proud of you. We're going to dig a little deeper next time, but don't worry, I will never push you past your limits, I promise. As long as you trust me, it's going to be fine.”

“Alright. I'll try.”

“Great! See you next week, then? Try to keep yourself busy until then. I'm sure that won't be a problem, considering you need to start a new life in a new country.” Dr Dorville stood up and extended her hand to Lily.

“Yeah,” she scoffed, but shook her hand anyway. “That will be so easy. Goodbye, Doctor.”

“See you soon, Lily.”

She left Dr Dorville's office with mixed feelings after that first session. Lots of bad feelings, but still a little sparkle of hope, and it felt good to hope again.

#misha collins #young!misha #misha fanfiction #misha x ofc #misha/ofc #supernatural #supernatural fanfic #when we were young #slow built #ptsd #trauma #flashbacks #cheating #character death #child death #fire #therapy #long fic

[cathleacathalei]

Almost Love Story to Almost Closure

          Back when I was younger, my mother tells stories about how she and my father met and when they finally married each other. I would always listen intently with my siblings and dream and laugh about the details they share. But I remembered she told us a story about her long time childhood love, back when she was in High School, who she named Anton. This is a funny story as it had been stuck in our memories.

         She would describe him as I would describe a series of little boys in my memory that I claim to love when I was a child. She told me they never had a conversation nor she got too close to him. She would always wonder from a distance how to be Anton’s girl one day. We can all relate to this right? 

          Anyway, during their High School prom, there was a segment of the program when all girls are lined up and all the boys would ask each and every girl to dance with them. My mother’s eyes were gleaming as she tells the story in detail as if she is reliving the moment. “We had small name tags then to put our nicknames on”. She said laughing, “Everybody in the school knows me as Corazon, but I used my family nickname instead and wrote ‘Nott”. Her expression changed a bit when she revealed that when the exciting thing was about to happen when Anton would finally ask her to dance, he skipped the line and went for the other girl beside my mother instead. She said, she never understood why he did that. Anton danced with all of the ladies except her. She was waiting for that moment but it never happened that night. 

        My mother actually just speculates that maybe Anton freaked out since he had the name tag “Ton” and my mother has somewhat a reversed version of his name as ‘Nott” but she was known as Corazon. “Maybe he thinks I was too desperate. But I didn’t know he’s going to put ‘Ton’ ”. I believe that no man has ever figured my mother back then because she was quiet, demure and conservative. Her story stuck to me as it was on her with all the WHYs she and I could think of. 

          Years had passed, I already have a job and I had more brothers and sisters. My mother needed to visit her province to see my grandmother because she was ill. She headed to the province first before the rest of our family because my siblings needed to finish the weekday classes. And when we got there to see our Grandma and celebrated a bit for family reunion with relatives, she told us her sisters has news with Anton. I was like “Oh, yeah that one. The one with the big WHY. Haha!” , my mother smiled mildly but with still eyes, “I guess we will never know now. he’s dead”.

       I was taken aback learning about the news, as if finding out a death of a character from a childhood storybook. Apparently, Anton was hit by a car few weeks before my mother visited her hometown. 

I felt bad. 

The stories from childhood, unanswered question in our heads as to why he didn’t took my mother’s hand to dance that night would always be a mystery to all of us. I don’t vouch for them or their ‘supposed’ love story.. I was curious for his reason. An answer. A small closure. It kinda felt like the cliff-hanger of our childhood storybook from my mother’s experience was actually an ending after all. I guess not every almost lover has an almost closure and that’s why I go get an answer for every bit of ‘whys’ with my relationship to friends, lover & family. You’ll never know what will haunt you.

Aki

July 11, 2017

#stories #blog #puppylove #memories #reallife