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menalez · 4 years

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hi, a long time follower on rnortal here,i just got back from a very long hiatus and i wanted to catch up! ive read ur about section and im just really curious about ur current life since back when i was still following you a few years back you still identified as a bi, had a boyfriend with a (i assume) very heavy ddlg kink. (you had rules etc.) do you regret having that experience with him? are u anti-ddlg now? i hope you dont mind me asking, im just very curious /a fellow noncis nonhet dude

damn thats a long hiatus,,, i couldnt have been older than 17 based on what youve mentioned so at this point what ur referring to was like 6 years ago minimum!! but ill go into the stuff u mentioned

during my teen years i was very lost to say the least, i could not make sense of my feelings, what had happened to me, and what i was going thru. it was like i was living this years-long nightmare where i was dissociated and hopeless consistently. at this point, most of it is a blur, like my life from 14 up until late 17 is mostly just a series of disturbing flashbacks to me. that boyfriend ur referring to was Obsessed with me like. he was into me ever since i was 11 and everyone in school knew it. i wasn’t interested and thought he was gross and annoying, and that continued to be the case until i was 14. months into being 14, i had gotten raped and that just changed my whole approach to everything. i felt like saying no to anyone made no sense anymore, bc my worth and dignity had already been taken away from me and my boundaries wont be respected and are meaningless so i might as well just say yes. after word had spread of what happened to me around school, most people turned against me and there was like, a handful of people who were still by my side. one of them was the not-yet boyfriend. people around me would also repeatedly tell me “if you don’t date him, you’re going to be making the biggest mistake, no one will love you like he does!” so like all those things coupled up together.. i just went with it basically. even though i did tell him repeatedly i didnt want to be with him, he was persistent and i had it in my head that if i said no itd be 1. pointless bc id be forced into it somehow 2. a mistake and lost opportunity and 3. saying no to the only person who will ever love me. so i just.. gave in? anyways during that relationship, i was pretty deep into self-harming, and he had a weird thing for that. he eventually confessed to me that hes sexually aroused by my age regressing (a symptom of my trauma i had no understanding of nor was i conscious to it). i just went along with it really.

when i was about 15, there was this girl i had strong feelings for which i did not understand at all, before then i hadn’t really been conscious of my feelings? so i texted my then-boyfriend (same guy as previously mentioned, it was a long distance relationship for most of that relationship and at the point im talking about rn) and was like wow theres this new girl in my class and i feel this strong connection to her and just want to be around her etc, and i told him i have no idea what those feelings mean or how to explain them and his stupid ass said “now you understand how i feel about you” (bc i couldnt for the life of me comprehend attraction basically and kept asking him how being into someone felt). so then i was like huh and thats when i started to think, ok i must be bi bc obviously i cant possibly not be into men but im definitely into women. so i stuck with that up until i was 17. from the age of 17 tho, i started to question it bc i realised i just.. didnt find men attractive, and i felt like i owed the then-boyfriend a lot bc he stuck by me during the time i was raped but i still found him repulsive and didnt want to be with him. i came to a conclusion at 18 and told him multiple times and tried to end it multiple times but he refused to let it end the same way he refused to not be in a relationship w me but this time i knew i just couldnt stick around as i was conscious of my feelings and was tired of living a lie.

SO now to answer ur questions, i do regret a lot of it yeah and i wish i could just rewrite or erase that entire section of my life bc it was the worst part of my life and years later it still makes me feel sick to my stomach. i would do things and agree to things, and itd cause me so much pain and misery and worsen my suicidal behaviour and self harm, and id just... do it again. the people in my life knew there was something off and i wasnt happy but nothing anyone said could change my mind.

i was anti-ddlg before i turned 18,, but he was also often on my blog so i mostly just stayed quiet on that until i was 18. i think ddlg is pretty pedophilic in a lot of ways, its often men acting out their pedophilic fantasies on women who are often traumatised and disturbed. and i think a huge portion of the ‘daddy doms’ are pedophiles, including the one i was involved with. so yes i am anti-ddlg.

theres a lot i didnt go into here but i didnt wanna write like an entire thesis on this but. yeah those werent good years of my life and i wish i had help or guidance. i wish i just never got raped bc it led to one harmful thing after another for me and i feel like i couldve avoided all of that otherwise. the initial trauma i was subjected to made me weak and i had no hope so i just went along w whatever and it only fucked me up more. ive grown & changed a lot since then and even tho i still struggle today im no longer in the pain i was back then

#imagine going thru ur teen years doing things that make u want to kill urself and even resulted in suicide attempts #and instead of thinking oh i dont like this i shouldnt put myself thru it #u just..................... do it over and over again and get increasingly worse #Anonymous

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