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#its due friday and i have absolutely nothing written lmao) and idk if its executive dysfunction or anxiety or my tendancey to self sabotage
the-yearning-astronaut
·
5 months
Text
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#tbd
#☉
#lemme start by prefacing this with I KNOW there's no real normal way to be human
#ok i get that
#but fucking HELL I wish i was normal
#i wish my health was normal for my age
#i wish i wasn't fucking. neurodivergent
#im fine with being queer but ffs why am i in between normal queer and accepted Aroace-ness
#why am i abnormal in that regard too
#i wish I didn't alienate people i wish i didn't have to explain why im extra quiet and moody and minutes from a meltdown
#i wish my hands and feet wouldn't swell up and hurt and burn and I wish i could take a fucking shower without feeling dread
#because i had the water temp set to hot and now im dizzy and my heart is racing and im overheating -- alternatively I wish
#i didn't feel so self conscious because i DONT shower every day or even every other day like i dont like when my hair goes limp either!
#and i use deodorant everyday and wipe off when i can but i have fuckin Let's Sweat Buckets For No Reason Disorder so i always look and feel
#like a drowned rat. im tired of being tired but not being able to sleep. im tired of not being able to explain that yes its really not you
#its me. me wanting to be alone has nothing to do with you ok its my brain deciding to fuckin shut down because everything is too much rn
#& idk how to tell you that im at my wits end but if you treat me with kidd gloves i WILL go off like a fuckin bomb. just treat me NORMAL ffs
#just treat me normal 😭 i just want to be normal. i want to be able to sit down and just do my application stuff instead of
#staring at a blank document for weeks and then wanting to throw things as the deadline approaches (
#its due friday and i have absolutely nothing written lmao) and idk if its executive dysfunction or anxiety or my tendancey to self sabotage
#but either way im so fuckin fucked. im NOT in the headspace rn for writing a graduate school application letter.
#trying hard not to cry rn bcs my friend and her parents are sleeping already bcs they have a 9-5 sleeping schedule to fit their 9-5 jobs
#like i dont even have a normal sleeping schedule lmao mine's 2-10. i just don't understand why im so broken or whatever. not normal.
#& i feel bad for bitching about it all bcs objectively i have a pretty decent life. i have a home i have food i have a family that loves me
#im just back to feeling like im too much and also not enough and im so fuckin lonely. im tired of feeling lonely. and i think
#ive got a platonic crush or two. or something. and idk how to handle that anymore. if i ever did.
#idk idk i feel like im back to looking at the world and passersby through frosted glass again.
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