#its hard to confront giving my niece a gift from you and face the fact that the trip wouldve made me open up

[fleastinger]

#if i told you i could not fall asleep on your birthday could you believe me? #that i slept in the jamaica shirt? #i have no idea if that was your gift to me or if it was for my uncle or someone else #i have your shot glass that you so haphazardly gave to me #but tbh i was such a coward i couldnt bear to touch and give out all of your gifts #it feels wrong. a reminder that I fucked things up with us #i dont even know what i want anymore or if i can get through this #i feel so alone wallowing at the current state of things #im constantly short of money and overspending like crazy #i keep thinking about the guilt of it all and the knowledge that you wouldn't be so happy hearing from me if you knew what happened #and what i continue to do #i just feel so lost after realizing i ripped apart of my soul out by leaving you #and knowing that i did something that had broken it beyond repair if i didnt go #just. hoping your year is better #and now i cant stop thinking of the ways i freely gave my love to you without thinking #how we shouldve been serious sooner and that i couldve been with you if i was better #better at controlling myself or better at admitting that i was struggling #oh my sweet...it doesnt even matter the little things like my sex drive being higher than yours #or the fomo id have about not doing things when you let me socialize and would join/invite me to things #its hard to confront giving my niece a gift from you and face the fact that the trip wouldve made me open up #i was just. too cowardly to let go of my ex.