#ive been so tired and achy and nauseous all day.......

[queenerdloser]

i was going to finish cleaning my apartment for my sister’s visit but i got some kind of head-cold yesterday and honestly i feel like Death so all i can do is lie in bed and hug my new whale plushie and wait for the end

#ive been so tired and achy and nauseous all day....... #liveblogging life #i managed to walk to the home store but WHOO BOY was it a Mistake i felt even worse after that

[thatbitchyeet]

Things that I’ve noticed after losing 30 lbs

• generally more accepted by my peers (one called me pretty and she was really pretty ☺️)

• family and friends beginning to worry about what I eat and how I eat ( “you eat really slowly!” “There’s nothing on your plate...” “you’re getting thin what are you doing?”

• having better cardio than my friend whose the same weight as me now (I used to envy her body!)

• even with these cool things I still feel humongous, even more so than before

•I’m not hungry as often. Not sure if my stomach shrunk or I’m just used to eating ~400-600kcals a day but I’m not hungry, esp not to the point where I’m nauseous anymore

• I don’t feel as judged walking through the hallways. Even though my inner voice is telling me I’m a fat pig and everyone hates me, I don’t get the disgusted sideways glances and the girls staring at my arms or legs

• I’m not scared of what my parents will do if I don’t eat. They can’t force me to do anything.

• I’ve been able to feel and see my ribs, my legs are becoming thinner, my hands are less fatty and even my stomach has gotten a lot smaller

• my boobs got smaller but they don’t look like raisins which is what I was worried about. Worth being thinner to have small boobs

• I feel weak a lot of times. The only time I DONT is on weekends where I eat ~700-900 kcals because of family or when I’m jogging or swimming and my blood is pumping. Otherwise my vision is spotty when I stand up and I feel lightheaded a lot of the time.

• I’m also very achy, I get bruised very easily, my lips get dry and cracked, my nails don’t grow as fast as they used to, I’m constantly fatigued and I can’t concentrate in class

• I don’t have the urge to snack. I replace my boredom snacking with walking around or watching supersize vs super skinny or secret eaters on YouTube.

• I’m meaner to people when they invade my privacy or try to make me eat. I have a friend whose suicidal and depressed that tried to make me eat lunch on Friday (he doesn’t know about my ed, but I’m sure he’s suspicious) in front of a guy I like and I almost snapped at him even though I try to be as nice as possible to and I had to stop myself.

• I have so much more time! I get homework done more than I did last year, I get to binge watch tv and I get to workout 5-6 days a week

• I sleep in class a lot more and I’m more prone to skipping school and substance abuse (xan and antidepressants, not alcohol bcs calories, painkillers, etc) and I realized who cares about me and who doesn’t (some of my friends told me to stop doing drugs and focus on school in a mom way and others just stood there and started another conversation)

•I notice other people’s poor eating habits and see how much people around me eat and it makes me cringe (I had one burger today and it was ~450 with toppings and my dad had 2.5 burgers, fries and a ton of gravy and I’m just like 🙂that’s like 1300-1500 calories🙂 and u had a giant breakfast and 4 hotdogs and fries for lunch🙂 holy sh*t)

• my friends call me a hypocrite because I don’t eat and force them to eat

• me and my ex boyfriend (who I’m pretty sure has an ed) kinda bond over weight loss and nutrition and exercise and it’s really cool because it mended our relationship and we’re good friends again (he fell asleep in my arms in class lol yep good friends again) (I’m gonna have another bf soon so we’re not like that in that way anymore)

• so many people comment on my weight loss or say I look good! Only bad thing is when my mom says it because she can guilt me into eating almost anything

• my body dismorphia is at its worst. I look in the mirror and all I see is fat fat fat fat fat

•I don’t dread gym class anymore, I actually quite enjoy it. As long as I can wear my own shorts. I refuse to wear the school shorts because my body image is already low enough and they make my legs look like bloated pool noodles

•I don’t sweat as much. I’m still bigger than my classmates and I sweat a lot but I don’t sweat as much as I used to which is cool

• I can wear what I want. I started wearing skirts and tshirts which I never wore before because I hated my arms and my legs. I always wore pants and tank tops in the summer. Now in fall I’m wearing cute clothes ☺️

•all my clothes are baggy asf on me. I need to punch a new hole in my belt every 5 days and jeans that I bought 2 months ago that fit me nice then are hanging off my butt

• I feel smaller. Lighter. I’ll stand in one place and I won’t take up as much space as before. I sit in a bench on the bus and I feel small. I hug someone and I feel like I’m more at their side rather than crushing them.

• I still refuse to let people carry me for fear of breaking them or humiliation

•I notice people having signs of eating disorders. Body checking in every mirror, putting their fingers around their wrist or their hands around their leg. Staring at their leg and checking if they have a thigh gap. Not ever eating. Knowing about nutrition. Walking a lot, pacing. Looking tired and thin. Loosing weight even if they were already a normal weight. Making up excuses for these things

•not being as afraid to put myself out there

I DONT ADOVOCATE EATING DISORDERS. THIS IS JUST THINGS IVE NOTICED IN MY JOURNEY. THERE ARE BOTH GOOD AND BAD THINGS IN THIS LIST AND THE GOOD THINGS ARE MUCH RARER THAN THE BAD THINGS IRL. PLEASE SEEK HELP IF YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER AND D O. N O T. TRY TO DEVELOP ONE. GET AWAY FROM THESE TYPES OF POSTS.