#just feeling like a fuckup for not being able to handle the basic elements of adult life

[lesbian-thespian-paladin]

anyone else so so afraid all the time for no reason? Just me?

#sitting here trying to do homework but body has decided that we are actually fighting for our life #not helpful! #just feeling like a fuckup for not being able to handle the basic elements of adult life #brain is like you can a.) socialize b.) do schoolwork c.) eat or d.) have a clean house #but certainly not all of them at once and also if you don't do them all I will make you feel physical pain about it #personal #just venting #ugh ok back to white knuckling my way through the rules of civil procedure

[icharchivist]

so this is half fandom rambling and half personal rambling about (a quite  positive one actually) introspection over myself those past few monthes so *shrug* keep reading at your own risk

The thing about FP specifically, and i think i’ve already said it, that really talks to me now, is that they remain messed up people, with burdens, with heavy pasts for all we know, and some coping mechanisms that aren’t to say the best.

But instead of being focused on recovery like MTR can be, instead of being all focused on getting, on being better, they are focusing in enjoying the present regardless of what is weighing them down - not really thinking too hard about the future except for the fact that they are ready to stumble eventually.

Their focus isn’t as much on recovery as much as to be comfortable with the people they have become due to diverse sort of trauma - and taking this comfort and trying to extend it as they could.

They don’t ask to work on your trauma, they don’t ask to make steps toward recovery, they don’t ask you to fix the person you became. They just ask “take your time, take your breath, enjoy the sunset for a moment”

And the magic of this behavior as well is that, they /are/ getting better. They are opening up in ways they hadn’t before, there is room to grow. While it was never their focus, their choices of enjoying life as it comes step by step is paying off as at least /making step forwards/, even if they’re unsure where, even if they’re not completely healed from their past.

I think about it a lot, actually.

As someone with major depression/form of trauma/anxiety and all there is, i’ve always gravitated toward characters who were handling their trauma in some ways, more or less well. I’ve often gravitated toward characters who coped the ways i’ve done all those years. I also gravitate towards characters who feel a large amount of guilt over things they may or may not have reasons to feel guilty about, and how they’re trying to figure out how this guilt and this trauma left them and how to walk forward from here.

When i got into HPM, hearing from it at first, I thought i was going to gravitate toward MTR for those reasons. Because they are people who are traumatized in some way and are actively trying to improve their coping mechanisms. The motif of guilt can also be easily found with Doppo “all is my fault”, but especially Jakurai, whho after being an assassin decided to spend his life helping people, and still wondering why people struggle in finding their place between life and death.

I don’t really know how much just alligned perfectly in place as it did, i think it was a question of timing.

All my life i’ve been obsessing about finding ways to recover and always would fall furthermore feeling like i’m failing to recover completely. And the guilt is a funny thing because it keeps wavering between “it wasn’t your fault” and “it was and i need to atone in some way” with no in between.

But lately... I’ve started to take more distance with my family in general and not care for their problems. I’m not trying to do their damage control anymore. Thanks to my wonderful friends, i’ve currently managed to get back to school for next year and find a new flat away from my family along with the funds to live there.  I’ve moved away a couple of days ago and finish it tomorrow, as a matter of fact. Of course i cannot be sure it’ll be okay once i’ll get there, but it’s a huge step forward in at least trying.

It had been a long process to arrive there and the thing is that...

I don’t think i’m healed, of course, i don’t think i’ve recovered all that much, or at least i didn’t make the step toward recovery. I just ended up accepting “this isn’t the life i want to live” and accepted to find way to move away from this life.

Those past few months (before i really got into hpm but i think it helped) i’ve been neglecting “recovery” in the more basic sense of the term as i didn’t exactly try to fix my behavior, my coping mechanisms, whatever. I’ve just kinda decided “screw my environment that is pushing me to those stuff to start with” and did more self indulgent things, without real care about whenever or not it was something helpful for my health or no.

And there was something incredibly freeing about it.

self introspection is all well and done but it was bringing me nowhere. To acknowledge my  pain, the reasons of my pain, and to work against it, was a lot of work and was suffocating more than anything.

There is something extremely freeing about suddenly not really caring about whenever you, as a person, is recovering.

I don’t know.. i guess i make a difference between recovery and moving forward. And a lot of time we push people to recover to move forward but i also think that sometimes recovery will not budge if you don’t move forward first.

And moving forward means sometimes just accepting that Stuff had been bad, but i just want to enjoy this moment. Not work on being better on the long term, just on enjoying the little bit of life that makes me happy.

Even if it just means listening to music on repeat and dancing in my room all day without doing anything that would be great for my future per se. (and that in itself ended up very ironic since on the long run, just indulging completely in this “little thing” had me start to study Japanese more in depth and after years of trying to pick up the language i’ve only now, thanks to that, been able to make a lot of progress and starting to get somewhere there. Indulging in stupid little things even when it’s not exactly reasonable made me reach for something more concreete in the end)

Recovery is weird, it is very nuanced and there are different steps to take. A lot of time we focus on the most drastic ones. Sometimes people need to take those steps first. But sometimes they don’t, i think.

When I discovered FP more in depth I think this is what eventually rang with me. None of them are looking for recovery, they’ve all accepted they were lost causes. But they just want to enjoy the day as it goes. And without realizing it, they’re on the path to get better. And even if not, they are enjoying themselves. They are enjoying those present moments.

Trauma can skew with your way to perceive yourself. In my experience there was always a case of all those troubles arriving because of /me/, even if i know it comes from external fault. It’s easier to put the blame on something you have control over. Something you can more easily punish, especially when you feel guilt easily, and this person can turn out to be yourself. And no amount of repeating “it wasn’t actually your fault” can change that. No amount of people reassuring you about that can change that. And you can end up overcompensating, over doing things to atone for a thing you didnt do, and that creates more and more burdens.

However there is something freeing about just... shrugging it off. Like. Yeah. It’s a part of me, whatever, why should i be thinking about it now?

In a lot of ways I feel like FP is about regaining the control on their lives. Dice is all about living exactly the way he wants to, outside of society rules, refusing to be controled in any way. Gentaro makes up his life, he has entiere control on what part of himself he allows people to see, even more noteworthy when we know the gov is still keeping a close eye on him for some reasons. And while Ramuda is supposed to be the gov’s dog, he’s been carefully taking decisions for his own agenda to oppose to the gov’, regaining a bit of control on his life.

They may not handle exactly how their past had affected them, they may be wounded people and they may not be trying to heal, but they are reclaiming the control over this life. Not letting it be dictated by others elements. And we could say, so do MTR, but MTR do it on a much more personal level - on how the control on their lives they’re trying to regain is a personal, mental one. Hifumi tries to overcome his trauma, Doppo tries to overcome his anxiety, Jakurai tries to overcome his past (most likely at least). But FP tries to overcome the external part of their lives that had affected them, the environment that had shaped them.

I guess i was just lucky to get into hpm the moment i did, since it was the moment i started to stray away from my mother for good and all. In a way it gave me a comfort that there is way to get better by taking a non traditional route. That self recovery is all well and done but when it’s your environment that creates most of the problems, there are ways to first focus on this control of this environment before thinking about how you can improve yourself.

and finding little things to enjoy on the path to get better.

Now ofc it’s not only that that attracts me toward FP, and it’s not just things i relate to moreso as just narrative tropes i really like ahah

but i’ve been poundering about it a lot, since FP’s way to deal with their problems is very different from the characters i usually gravitate toward and MTR is right here, so i kept asking myself why it became this easy.

Why also for exemple while i adore discussing Gentaro and can much more relate to his anxiety about other people, his erg “past”, or even how he coped by creating fictions because “reality is often much more disappointing”, I end up finding so much comfort with seeing Dice having completely rejected any sort of control people could have on him. Ofc while still being reasonable because man all of FP are full of terrible decisions and Dice is the most unreasonable of them all (or at least his bad decisions stand out, I guess Ramuda is still in the game for “most unreasonable” but-) but in principle, there is something so reassuring about his type of character. Of he might be a fuckup but he  has 100% control over how much of a fuckup he can be alright.

I wonder to myself and i think, would have i been into the story a year ago, I wouldn’t have stanned the Posse. Or well at least i might have stanned Gentaro because liars who hide their true feelings is My Type, but i don’t think i would have gone as hard about them as i did. And well. Truth be told Stella cemented a lot the way i view the band so i guess one year ago even with my current mindset i may have not felt that from the Posse - that said, one year ago!me with current!content hpm may not have taken those messages out of it.

*shurgs*

Fiction is always funny because you can take out anything from it. There’s multiple layers that will talk to you in different ways.

I’m just kinda impressed this is what I took out of FP. Perhaps it’s just what i projected because they had a sort of freedom i was working onto getting, and it gave me fuel into achieving at least that.

Perhaps it’s also just the heigh of summer (since I generally get more depressed during colder seasons so warm seasons are not exactly a good measure of whenever i’m mentally stable or not), or the distance i took from my family, but i feel like i have a huge weigh off my shoulder, like i’m not getting anxious over nothing all over again.

I feel like i can just pause and breath and take a look out and enjoy the little things.

That it’s not about how things may get better in the future. Perhaps there are just good things to see as of now if you take the time to pause and breath. Enjoying the path as you walk it, not because you know it will bring you somewhere, but because you took those steps. If you feel better about enjoying the path, perhaps you’ll end up feeling better about where it’s leading and take the correct choices toward a possible recovery, without it being exactly a chore. Even if you stumble along the way. That you may not be at peace with the person you became, but that you’ll see how you’ll evolve as time goes instead of trying to fix yourself restlessly. Eventually you’ll fix some bits of yourself without even realizing.

This is a mindset i don’t think i would be able to have a year ago - and while i think i was starting to feel it, i don’t think i would be able to articulate it would have i not just end up thinking overpassionated and overfocused on FP and trying to overjustify to myself why i was gravitating toward them.

*shurgs* i say that with every media i get into, what sort of important step forwards it make me take. Tbh it makes me think about back when i was into d/a before the fandom made me too anxious to even want to talk about it again a h ah, but back then i was feeling “this is at least the one thing i have control over that doesn’t make me anxious” - to be able to make choices that can bring to good outcome, which was more choices than i was allowed back then. And now i’m thinking about how those past few months had been about reclaiming all sort of controle i had over my life - not just the one i managed to allow myself to have, all of it.

I can justify every pieces of fictions i’ve ever been REALLY into in regards of how i was dealing with my environment and my trauma in term of how it had shapped me for the better, all of them being steps along the way to recognize and accept my own self. I guess this is just a natural progression as it goes.

Perhaps it is what recovery is, and i’m just finding words around because I have a specific view on self recovery in my mind and i beat myself up too hard for not following it specifically, so i need to find ways to justify how this is different.

But i’m feeling like i’m breathing again. Like i’ll be okay taking a few more steps in the dark now.

Perhaps that will make the world more interesting.

#ichapersonal #ichatalks about hpm #well more personal than not lmao but since i mention how hpm aligned with my mental health a lot i guess it's worth it #the tl;dr to take out of it is that i finally moved away from my mother's house and am starting back the uni! #and i'm just reflecting on my personal progression and how it aligned with my current obsessions #see you in a couple of months when uni would have me broke down i guess if my father doesn't do it first lmao #but still i believe this is a huge step forward... all this reflection i mean #about how i view myeself and my mental health and all #it's always comforting when fiction allows you this sort of things #anyway *finger guns*