#least coherent ive ever been in a post and thats saying something

[mizuta]

far from it to be my style to post about hashtag mental health issues on main but like. look. ive& been psychotic as far back as i can tangibly remember (hallucinating at 10-11, cognitive symptoms and episodes by 13-14). its been a part of my life so long that like... in a lot of ways im used to it and coping with symptoms and my life grew around a lot of the symptoms. like a tree trunk growing around a foreign object as a sapling. something that pierces directly through the middle but doesnt really impact the trees ability to stay alive in any meaningful way.

so like in a lot of ways im used to being in my own head. my partner is good at recognizing that things that are distressing to me in episodes dont process whatsoever as distressing to me a good chunk of the time. when im acting visibly distressed it actually means my level of distress is at like, 200%. its fucking unmanageable. if im visibly distressed its worse than anyone could conceptualize because typically otherwise im just numb to a lot of it or its just default my reality that its not distressing in any meaningful way until after the fact.

but like im ngl just because ive spent all of my teenage years upwards trying to take up literally the least space possible to exist and never show 80% of my "unacceptable" symptoms to 99% of people does not mean it makes it any less uncomfortable or awkward to like. be the token psychotic in some groups. to have to be the buzzkill and shit thats like hey sorry heres my hyperspecific request of the year because im fucking insane.

its miserable in a fresh new way of like sorry to have to remind everyone that its not actually a funny character quirk or joke my brain literally does not exist in your 'reality' in any meaningful way and the further outside of it i am on a given day the more unpleasant youre going to find me to be around. ignoring the insane person talking aimlessly in public doesnt actually help me it usually just reinforces that youre not real and never will be if its a bad enough day.

its never intentional. like nobody is ever doing this on purpose. especially again because i spent so much of my life being very good at hiding it. but like... it sucks so much to be masking half the time and be a little too good at it so when you stop being able to people are always levels of uncomfortable or upset. it sucks when you cant articulate anything properly and nobody really knows how to understand what youre asking for. it sucks when you have multiple severe memory conditions and cant trust your own memory and everyone immediately questions your memory when you ask for anything or point anything out. like of course im just going to fucking fold.

i dont know where im going with this or if this itself is even that coherent i know it sounds super vague but it really isnt about anyone specific im just babbling about like years worth of garbage. i got so fucked over by fakeclaiming culture because unfortunately when i started really displaying symptoms i was a teenager trying not to kill himself and being fucking insane loudly in virtual public when that was apparently an "obvious sign of exaggerating" so i had to learn to shut the fuck up and now everybody loves to forget how much im fucking unwell because god forbid you think too hard about what youre saying around others.

thank god for my partner who is literally the first person in my entire life whos ever tried to understand and genuinely knows how to talk to me when im in a particularly bad delusion or hallucinating or whatever.

man. im tired. i found out this last month i probably need to get a cane when i move out and i still feel like im going to be appropriating shit because severe knee and upper leg paint and severe balance problems cant be that bad. i hate having memory problems so bad that i so easily can be told that i dont know shit and Y is actually what happened and i usually cant actually argue against it even if im so sure thats not true.

#miles organizer #;kaz #this actually isnt really that bitter im just. talking. miserably. about psychosis. #i think i should be allowed to just be fucking insane in public and everybody should just have to deal with it and stop being uncomfortable #(thats kind of a joke im just sad.)

[fineosaur]

i was tagged by @ashapyke​, thank u, i will use this honour for evil.

top 5 male characters tag

(im gonna choose randomly from my ever-growing list of like 100000 but ok, i swear i can name like a 100 more and give full reasons why they deserve to be on this list but ill be calm for now)

jon snow (a song of ice and fire - grrm), he’s just !!! jon!! he’s my son, he’s always having a bad time but somehow is always able to snap back at older white men like god intended for us to do. his scratched up face, pet wolf DIREWOLF, and the fact that he’s always like, wow i love this girl with her crooked teeth and red hair and then he’s like wow i love this boy with raven ringlets. SON IS BI and we’re so proud of him for (barely) thriving and dying. a kid with daddy issues, mummy issues, 👏🏽queer issues. 👏🏽responsibilities. give him a break pls just for a sec.

jake peralta (brooklyn nine-nine), i dont even have to explain why i love this man. he’s hilarious, played by andy samberg, a feminist, most likely bi, in love with his wife, has adorable curls. A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND

harry potter, the hilarity of this boy “i wonder what it’s like having a difficult life” STOP!! not to mention all the conversations he has with hedwig during his downtime “who am i hedwig, what am i?”. apparently my sons are all just tired™ and want things to go well so that they can have time with the girl/guy they like.

james potter, i cant not mention him, like that’s my dad, that’s the love of my life, we barely got enough about him but we all know the hilarity behind the man (pls read the harry potter prequel i beg u). i take fanfics i found years ago on ffn as reasons why i love him, (and sirius whom is also on my list but not this one in particular cause i dont have space to go on about why i relate to him). if i even begin to mention lily as well i won't stop so lets stop right there.

stefan salvatore (the vampire diaries), my og, the love of my life, the man who deserved so much more throughout his life. i cannot begin to explain how much i feeeeeel for this man. not to mention that paul wesley is hot and i would most definitely sit on his face and let the razor burns cut up my thighs. what do you say about someone who deserved the world and got everything taken away from him just because he didn't want his brother to die?

michael moscovitz (the princess diaries), ok i know it says five but fr, this boy,,,, my og boy crush. HOW WAS HE SO PERFECT HUH? him and mia were so IN LOVE. remember when he tutored her in algebra cause he had a crush on her??? when he created a game at the fair just so he could quote stupid rhymes back at her??? when he WENT AND BECAME A BILLIONAIRE (millionaire?) JUST TO BE WORTHY OF HER.ok gtg and cry cause i also want someone who smells like soap.

(honourable mentions -- robb stark, jaime lannister, gendry waters, klaus and elijah mikaelson, ron weasley, sirius black, remus lupin, theon greyjoy, ned stark, peeta mellark... wow i cant stop myself i keep thinking of more.)

honourable mentions 2.0 since i cant help myself either im gonna go ahead an list 3 female characters i love but are in no particular order cause there are also like 10000 other of my women that i would die for

arya stark (a song of ice and fire), ofc NO EXPLANATION NEEDED SHES MY DAUGHTER, brienne, she’s just IM IN LOVE WITH MY SER, MY LADY, lily evans (harry potter), that’s my mother , catelyn tully (a song of ice and fire), my other red headed mother , fleur delacour (harry potter), i was and always will be in lovewher, minerva mcgonagall, joanna mason (thg) must i really explain? bruh imma stop myself right there before i drown.

im tagging @yanak324​, @frankcastle​, @harrenhollaback​, @ollie-19​, @livhatesolives​

#ugh why won't this POST #tag games #least coherent ive ever been in a post and thats saying something

[suaudisruption]

UPDATE: [Explanation + Revamp ]

(i do express some feelings in here that might be a bit of a downer, so if you dont want to read through that, i recommend skipping to the last three paragraphs <3 )

yeesh- hey yall i know its been- definitely a good while since ive posted anything on here, besides things that went down a couple months ago. and first, i want to apologize for not fufilling my goals to get this story out. its been- a very rough year to say the least, a lot of bad things and changes, some good- but its taken its toll on me pretty bad.

i havent forgotten about this story, though. i think about it all the time, i think about disrupt and artifact all the time, and i want to share their story with yall so so bad, but- im stuck in a place where i feel like its?? too late lol??? and i know its not but- i guess it got increasingly difficult over time to actually post things because i wanted to make sure everything was planned out perfectly, that i had a good story to tell and i wouldnt let people down- but the more i kept nitpicking, the more worried i got to even post anything in the first place. and thats something i still really need to work on, tbh.

motivation was another issue in itself- its very hard for me to stay on one thing for too long, especially if it requires a lot of attention- and my struggle this year with mental health made that even worse lol. so while i so desperately wanted to make content- i felt trapped and unable to actually do so.

but i say this all with a reason- and thats because i think im going to revamp this page and give it. give this story one more shot. its not even fully about letting yall down, its also- i dont want to keep this story inside me and never get the chance to tell it, you know..? and i- know the process will take awhile and my organization might be messy, etc- but atleast im telling it in some way- besides lol, i kind of need to tell this story to help heal myself too. i cant leave this abandoned, because its such a big part of me and i- yeah.

ill form a more coherent post when i finish revamping this page a bit, but- to those who are willing and wanting to stick around for how ever long it takes for me to complete my unorganized messy storytelling lol- i truly appreciate you all. it means a lot.

and with all that, off i go to edit some things! please make sure to hydrate and eat something if you can, today <3 your health is always important, mentally and physically <3 <3

#sorry if this is a bit of a downer folks #but i felt the need to give you all an explanation about my abscense #you may also notice the page looking blank- and thats cuz i wiped most of it lol #i kinda just. wanna start fresh. #idk #but- yeah. hopefully i can atleast tell something this time #thanks for sticking around <3 #tw: vent #??? i think #tw: mental health #??? just in case

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 100

[Date: 20/03, 7:45 PM GMT - 20/03, 8:49 PM GMT]

[Prior to the below conversation, Mona and Marcus briefly discuss how Maxwell had said that Fetch was supposed to be returning home this day. Even if it wasn’t the Fetch they knew, Mona said that he’d still have to take a bath when he got home.]

Little-K1ng: “i.. kind of dont want to think about it until it happens, yknow?

speaking of max, did you see??

im so proud of him, he left and didnt feel like he had to tell me why”

marcus...?: “Oh! Progress!!”

Little-K1ng: “of course i saw the post, hes waiting for fetch. but i think he also needed something from that place he was staying at? im just hopeful for him

im glad hes feeling confident after all this”

marcus...?: “Me too

He seemed...less stressed”

Little-K1ng: “yeah !!

but honestly, so do you”

marcus...?: “Do I?”

Little-K1ng: “yeah, just a bit

you know i still support you, right?”

marcus...?: “...”

Little-K1ng: “just like how i support max taking off his necklace, i support you being yourself

whatever that means to you”

donti: “. its up to you, marcus.”

marcus...?: “...”

Little-K1ng: “or viscount, if you like”

Little-K1ng: “do you want me to be honest?”

marcus...?: “Please”

Little-K1ng: “i know i havent done that much lately

i dont.... i dont really think you've been "marcus" this whole time. i believe thats who you were before crown, but i dont think you ever really fell out of the Family, so to speak

and im fine with that”

marcus...?: “...you are?”

llyr (they/them): “uhm, i hate to interrupt, but i think knight has max?”

donti: “WHAT”

Little-K1ng: “WH

okay,, uh”

donti: “NOT GOOD”

[marcus...?: “...you are?”]

Little-K1ng: “yes i am

but also”

llyr (they/them): “max said he was going to go outside and now knight said “he has the third””

Little-K1ng: “HHHH”

donti: “hey hey uh. this is.. not ideal but. we can. work through this.

do you know. wher ethey are OH WAIT BARONESS IS WHAT

baroness is taking max.

but fetch looks to be coming back.”

llyr (they/them): “... 3:

... shit.”

donti: “"shit" indeed.”

Little-K1ng: “I.....”

donti: “mona?”

Little-K1ng: “christ”

donti: “marcus.. or veyecount?”

Little-K1ng: “i cant even go get him,

i thought he was on his way back i...”

marcus...?: “...max isnt.. coming back”

donti: “no..

unless you want to try to catch baroness.

fetch can hear the music.”

marcus...?: “What music?”

donti: “. the music crown plays.

to get him to sleep. or be taken.”

marcus...?: “...oh”

donti: “. if he resists it his nose starts bleeding. its not good.”

Jack the Observer: “Fetch is making his way back to the house.

at least.”

marcus...?: “That’s good”

llyr (they/them): “there’s nothing we can do at this point, is there?”

Jack the Observer: “no.”

marcus...?: “...Mona?”

Little-K1ng: “im just.....

i guess... im running a warm bath, do you want to put on some coffee? if fetch shows up, hes going to be exhausted. if knight shows up, hes going to appreciate the effort”

marcus...?: “....yeah I can do that”

Little-K1ng: “.....brew it strong

ill need some too, i have a migraine coming on”

marcus...?: “Got it”

donti: “. guys.

fetch isnt doing. too well.”

llyr (they/them): “...”

marcus...?: “I can see that, try not to stress Mona out any more than she already is please”

donti: “alright.”

Little-K1ng: “marcus, can i check your laurel? just to see if anything else has happened to it”

marcus...?: “Uh..yeah sure”

Little-K1ng: “hm.. the flowers are pretty and blooming well, but no new changes”

marcus...?: “...can I check for you?”

Jack the Observer: “well. we can see how Mona is doing. how about you, viscount?”

marcus...?: “I’m alright”

arc: “is there anything you need from us at the moment bud?”

marcus...?: “I’m fine, Mona is stressed”

Jack the Observer 👁: “it would be understandable if you were also stressed, viscount.

after all, you are familiar with both Fetch and Knight.”

marcus...?: “I’m....not stressed exactly

Anxious maybe”

[marcus...?: “...can I check for you?”]

Little-K1ng: “...please”

marcus...?: “....

Nothing

No bumps

Your skins red but you said you’d been pulling on your hair”

Jack the Observer: “it's the twentieth.”

Little-K1ng: “yeah... been constantly checking and its actually kinda hurting from that”

Jack the Observer: “that would imply that she is not, in fact the fourth.

...”

Little-K1ng: “but only from that, nothing on the skin”

Jack the Observer: “so who is?”

Little-K1ng: “im.... i just....ii  j ust ,,”

llyr (they/them): “wasn’t baroness’s a spontaneous growth?”

Jack the Observer: “not really. she had a unusual headache and illness for days before.”

Little-K1ng: “i dd o nt knn ow”

donti: “ah. mona.”

marcus...?: “Hey hey hey Mona it’s okay”

Little-K1ng: “h h ow amd i gg oi ng to kee p d oi ng this”

Little-K1ng: “eever yy FUCKING time,,”

donti: “breathe..”

Jack the Observer: “calm yourself.

fetch is here

is fetch there, mona”

donti: “fetch!”

Little-K1ng: “hh es ??

wha t?

oh

oh i hear footsteps on the porch”

Jack the Observer: “calm yourself. go to fetch.”

Little-K1ng: “I”

marcus...?: “ow”

Little-K1ng: “WOAH okay”

. . .: “ ...”

Little-K1ng: “FETCH?”

marcus...?: “Did you have to slam the door??”

. . .: “............”

marcus...?: “Holy shit”

. . .: “...”

Jack the Observer: “viscount, what's happening.”

donti: “fetch?”

Little-K1ng: “the door just FLEW open oh my god”

marcus...?: “He’s..covered in blood”

Little-K1ng: “oh my god

oh thats a lot....”

marcus...?: “Oh my god”

. . .: “Cant you hear that lovely tune?”

Jack the Observer: “Who's the most coherent one in the room”

marcus...?: “Me?”

Little-K1ng: “the... tune?”

donti: “. the song.”

marcus...?: “Fetch there’s no sound”

Bea (she/they): “oh no”

Jack the Observer: “well. can you hear puppet?”

marcus...?: “Just..us”

Jack the Observer: “...”

Little-K1ng: “fetch..... its quiet except for your breathing, are you....?”

Jack the Observer: “it's Knight that's playing puppet, then.”

donti: “or crown.”

marcus...?: “There’s no sounds”

Little-K1ng: “fetch... i..”

marcus...?: “No one is playing anything”

Little-K1ng: “hey, come here... you're gonna hurt yourself, i can help you stand..”

marcus...?: “WHOA HEY”

[donti: “is his nose bleeding?”]

Little-K1ng: “genuinely the least answerable question”

Jack the Observer: “someone get Max's tea.”

Little-K1ng: “AH

FETCH”

marcus...?: “he just collapsed”

Little-K1ng: “hes on the floor

ill carry him im”

donti: “the tea jacks right give him the tea”

Little-K1ng: “he needs a lot”

C R O W N: “:)”

Little-K1ng: “[GASP] uh uh hey hey there uh”

donti: “. crown. nice to.. see you again.”

Little-K1ng: “just gonna,, drag

fetch,,”

Little-K1ng: “gotta get him cleaned up,, hahahaha,,, uh,,,”

C R O W N: “hello again everyone :) long time, no see”

marcus...?: “.....

Crown”

marcus...?: “Crown I’m so sorry”

Little-K1ng: “here bud, just lay here, okay? you'll be alright,, ill keep you safe, you'll be okay, fetch

ill grab maxs weird water for you just.... just lay here.... dont slump like that...”

[marcus...?: “Crown I’m so sorry”]

C R O W N: “Ah, viscount :) how are you feeling? your flowers are coming in beautifully”

marcus...?: “I’m feeling alright but..

I’m sorry

im so sorry”

Little-K1ng: “here, fetch, shh... just.... ill wipe you down with it... it should help.... i cant see if you're wounded i cant see it... ,my migraine.....you'll be okay you'll be okay ill keep you safe”

[marcus...?: “im so sorry”]

C R O W N: “It's alright :) i'm not mad, i promise”

marcus...?: “..you’re not?

I... I pushed you in a river”

donti: “marcus?

marcus...?: “I pushed you in a river and I knew it would hurt you I was just so scared im sorry

I never wanted to leave I was just scared I'm sorry”

Little-K1ng: “there we go.... your cuts are sealing, you're looking better already... you're breathing okay... i promised you would come home in time and you're here fetch and im so glad”

[marcus...?: “I never wanted to leave I was just scared I'm sorry”]

C R O W N: “It's okay, vis. You're going home now. That's what matters :)”

marcus...?: “i can come back?”

Little-K1ng: “im sure lawrence would have understood.... im sure he forgives you..... its okay....... i forgive you, i was never mad fetch im here.... i wont let you go again i promise i promise i”

marcus...?: “you’ll let me come back home?” 

[marcus...?: “you’ll let me come back home?”] 

C R O W N: “of course :)”

marcus...?: “thank you thankyouthankyou

....crown?”

C R O W N: “:)”

marcus...?: “Crown...max and fetch...

They aren’t happy.......when they’re page and knight

please

let them be happy”

Kate: “Oh, this is such a good day!”

marcus...?: “can you promise me that?”

Little-K1ng: “its okay fetch its okay ive got you im holding you you'll be okay even if you're knight i wont mind i wont as long as you're okay and you're happy i promise i really do”

donti: “chat and kate are here.”

Jack the Observer: “hello, pawns :)”

Kate: “:)”

Chat: “:)”

[.: “let them be happy”]

C R O W N: “Of course, vis. I promise they'll be happy:)”

marcus...?: “thank you”

Little-K1ng: “crown is in my house hes in my house hes talking to marcus viscount him and i just i dont know what to do i said i would be okay im going to be okay ive done it before and ill do it again ill be okay”

[Jack the Observer: “calm yourself, Mona. focus on... your dog.”]

Little-K1ng: “name one single other thing i have ever been focused on you many eyed FUCK”

Kate: “:)”

[Kate: “hello there! are you as excited as we are?”]

Jack the Observer: “we've certainly been waiting for this moment with a comparable amount of energy.”

Kate: “:)”

donti: “you seem excited. i hope youre happy.”

C R O W N: “It's time to go home, for all of you. Are you ready? :)”

.: “I’m ready”

Little-K1ng: “ive been waiting for this day for weeks now and its here and i dont know what to do i dont know how to help or what to say or how to feel or what to think what the fuck”

Kate: “Of course I’m happy, silly! Family is coming home today! Wouldn’t you be happy?”

. . .: “Duh! why wouldn't i be!”

Little-K1ng: “knight if today is the day you still have to get up and go hes here and i dont know how patient hes going to be please ijust wa nt  yo u to be h a pp y . and sa sa fe....”

C R O W N: “I'm glad to hear it :)”

Jack the Observer: “we're just waiting on the second and the fourth, now.”

Little-K1ng: “the second is in here in the bathroom with me please crown please come in and see him i cant get him to wake up hes exhausted and i dont know what to do”

donti: “why are you calling him that...”

Jack the Observer: “well. we can't call him Knight or Fetch.”

Little-K1ng: “hes breathing hes ALIVE but i cant i cant help him i dont know what to do hes not bleeding anymore he should be awake”

Bea (she/they): “who said we couldn't call him fetch?”

[donti: “why are you calling him that...”]

Jack the Observer: “the second makes it clear, at least, who we're speaking about.”

[Little-K1ng: “hes breathing hes ALIVE but i cant i cant help him i dont know what to do hes not bleeding anymore he should be awake”]

C R O W N: “Ah I see :)”

Jack the Observer: “he may not be fetch right now. it's disrespectful not to call someone by their chosen name.”

Little-K1ng: “i dont know who the fourth is and i dont know what to do i dont have a laurel and i dont know how to help”

C R O W N: “:)”

Little-K1ng: “WHY ARE YOU SMILING?? IS HE OKAY WHAT DO I DO CROWN”

[Little-K1ng: “WHY ARE YOU SMILING?? IS HE OKAY WHAT DO I DO CROWN”]

C R O W N: “The first came willingly, the second is sleeping, the third is heading home. The fourth? :)”

Kate: “Don't worry, Mona! When he wakes up, he'll be good as new! Crown always takes care of us”

Little-K1ng: “crown my migraine isnt worse with you around, its just the same. i weirdly expected something to change while im looking at you”

Little-K1ng: “im just looking at you and you're right in front of me. you're just. you're just smiling at me and im just as conflicted as i was before. i dont know what to do, crown

[hic] ii , ,i  just don n t kn ow wwh a t to do..”

Jack the Observer: “please stay coherent, mona.”

Little-K1ng: “i, , i m, t try ing,... ii h a ve t o try”

C R O W N: “It's alright :) can i speak with you? away from prying eyes?”

Little-K1ng: “I...”

Little-K1ng: “yeah

we can talk”

Jack the Observer: “...”

donti: “... be safe mona.”

llyr (they/them): “... stay safe”

Jack the Observer: “mind how you go.”

Little-K1ng: “ill be safe, i think. i dont think he could really hurt me like this”

Kate: “:)”

Jack the Observer: “:)”

Kate: “Everything will be alright. Don't worry your pretty little heads.”

Chat: “:)”

Kate: “:)”

donti: “.i wonder if the others are alright.”

Jack the Observer: “will everything come out alright? none of us can be certain.”

Kate: “Come on, don't be sad. Today's a joyous day! It's the first day of spring!”

Jack the Observer: “not even Kate, confident as they are”

donti: “ah. a very happy day.”

donti: “spring.”

Kate: “Why wouldn't everything come out alright? Family's coming home! It's time to have a good old fashioned celebration!”

llyr (they/them): “spring... is a very good season. it’s new beginnings, right? :3″

Kate: “Exactly! It's a time for new beginnings, to clear away the dust and sadness and coldness of winter and let the sunshine in!”

donti: “spring cleaning is. overrated.”

llyr (they/them): “haha.. you’re right...”

Kate: “Yes, but sometimes it's necessary to let beautiful things grow!”

#on:discord #by:marcus #by:knight #by:crown #by:baroness #if the crown fits #by:chat #by:kate

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

#should i tag this? #im not sure if i like it #berres #psyhcology of pop culture chraracters #psychology of the writer/author

[tumblunni]

aaaaaugh that was a weird adventure of a normal thing seriously wtf how did I Almost Die from just trying to pay my electricity bills?? the electricity went out at midnight and I was having a WHOPPING GIANT MIGRAINE and seriously i suck at talking to cashiers on the best of days but now i have to call a taxi at midnight and sit there feeling awkward for like half an hour while the guy drives me several miles away to the only electricity place thats open 24/7 and like five minutes in i realized OH SHIT THIS MIGRAINE IS MORE SERIOUS THAN I EXPECTED but like i was trapped in a car and trapped in an awkward social situation! so i was here all dizzy and disassociating and like it felt like the window was a computer screen?? cos im nearsighted a lot and of course its gonna get even worse when i have a dizzy migraine of death doom. i was just so out of it with pain and tiredness and the car shaking me about and just it felt like i wasnt really there but i was still in my house just watching all this on the tv or something. i had to look down at my hands cos they were the only non blurry thing, i had to remind myself that i actually existed and wasnt somehow being erased from the world and replaced by a film reel of some guy sitting in a car?? So I am like Absolutely Fucking Nonfunctional here, and being acutely aware of how i forgot to wear my glasses and apparantly also my socks. Tho in my defense it would have been hard to put them on in the dark anyway! and seriously THIS POOR CAB GUY! like it seemed english wasnt his first language and i felt so bad cos like how can i make it clear that I am the one messing up here?? dude you didnt mishear me i really am slurring everything i say and forgetting half the dictionary. HE WAS SO NICE! I wish i could have like.. been able to register any of his individual faceparts as a coherant whole. I have problems with prosopagnosia even on a good day, but like whoa man i did not have the energy left to concentrate on what this guy even looked like. i feel bad cos i dont know his name either, im gonna remember him as just this big helpful shadow void with a nice accent. HOW DID YOU PUT UP WITH ME EMBARASSING MYSELF SO MUCH, YOU WONDERFUL CABMAN actaully wait do you call them cabs in america aa im sorry this post isnt very america translated i try and generally self-correct to america english cos i know like 90% of my followers seems to be america for some reason i do not understand HELLO AMERICDA FRIENDS TODAY okay so i was Dying in a taxi which is also called a cab, and the company was Capital Cabs which is very good and i love them and they have an automated system so you dont have to talk on the phone and seriously that cut like 50% of terror from this terror day SO ANYWAY I WAS DYING we go all over the place looking for the 24 hours electric place, and then for some reason they are closed?? there was a line outside and i think actually the doors got stuck and the cashiers couldnt get out??? what happened?? i guess i will never know cos i had to leave that mini story behind and find another electric hilariously we found one LITERALLY ACROSS THE ROAD there was THE SAME SHOP ACROSS THE ROAD FACING EACH OTHER MIRROR IMAGE WHAT like seriously fuck im already in a dizzy daze floating halfway out my own body like i didnt need any more evidence im currently in wonderland i want to know this story too, dammit! are those rival stores?? of the same brand?? somehow?? or are they owned by the same person?? because why?? is it like the area was so in-demand of small 24/7 shops that they had to make two within five metres of each other? or is it like they’re the same shop but they didnt have enough space to build the full size they wanted so they purchased two smaller land plots? or something? DID IT JUST EXIST FOR THIS SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCE OF ME NEEDING THE SHOP WHEN THE SHOP IS CLOSED “tumblr blogger tumblunni will show up fuckin migraine stoned on the 9th of november, as the prophecy foretold” omg i just mispelled prophecy as prophey and that sounds like a cute ass oc name holy shit ANYWAY im here dissacoiating my ass off and trying and failing to stick my debit card in the card machine and all the time im like FUCKIN OBSESSING over how sauboh is a really better name. Like faba is still a cute name but sauboh is a COOL name! no name is better than sauboh! and why u wanna this evil man have a cute name anyway?? when u be all cruel in the anime and sand off even the slightest non horrible edges he ever had, like seriously im unreasonably upset that everyone hates faba even more now. when will i get my sneaky science grandpa guy who is not evil for once but merely misunderstood and then i adopt him and hug him many and the all is resolved so yeah im fuckin haviung trouble focusing on what im actually doing jesus christ then i stumble into the store and i pay for my electric and im like ‘no no no fucking shit this migraine is WAY worse than i expected, im going to fucking die’ so i ask if they have any paracetamol but i cant remember the word for paracetamol and its all super embarassing. and like THE GUY LOOKS AT ME AS IF IM CRAZY. He’s all ‘ugh why would we have that, geez’. like wtf?? i mean i know i couldnt remember the name of it but i said ‘headache medicine’ so im sure he understood what i meant. i had a long rambling discussion with the taxi man about how weird that was, he was like ‘no, seriously EVERY 24 hour newsagent sells that stuff’ and i was like ‘no seriously he was rude to me for asking, like wtf’ and then i repeated the story about three more times cos i was currently in the throes of brain death in retrospect maybe the cashier thought i was drunk or something?? or high? i mean you cant get high from headache pills but i dunno maybe they mix badly with booze and he thought he was saving my life. i like to think the best of people! i wish i hadnt jumped to the grumpy conclusion during that moment and then whined like a lil bitch to this poor cab man and seriously he was SO NICE! he was like ‘dude seriously we’d have to drive anothr five miles to find another newsagent shop, im trying to save you money’ and he tried to give me some of the paracetamol he had in his wallet and i was like YOURE SO FUCKIN NICE IM DYING, I COULD NEVER ACCEPT THAT but also in retrospect probably that was a good decision cos even if the guy seemed super nice and trustable its like Good Life Policy to not take medicine from people you don’t know. I am 100% sure tho that he actually was genuine and wasnt gonna fuckin murder me with fakeacetamol HE WAS SO NICE! HIM AND HIS NONDESCRIPT FACIAL REGION! why cant i remember ANYTHING about this man oh and also I was able to give some money to a lady on the street!! i don’t know if she was actually homeless, she said that she had some trouble with a hotel booking or something so she was just stuck sleeping outside for the night. i cant remember if she had any luggage so i cant verify if the story is true, it just made me really sad wondering if it WASNT true and its like she needed to lie or people wouldnt give her money?? like seriously homeless people are the most vunerable yet theyre the ones people have the least sympathy for! wtf having to like like ‘i need the money less’... anyway i also couldnt remember her face and was kinda slurring my words to death and i didnt have much money to give but aaaa i hope i helped!! so yeah fuckin SMASH CUT to the next newsagent place and seriously i swear i blacked out for a minute cos it was just like wow we’re there in 48 seconds yet the clock says a bunch more miles and THEY HAD PARACETALMOL AND I WAS FUCKIN CRYING IN A SPAR MART thenk u cashier man who was probablyh very confused at this guy with no socks also for some reason my mind was wandering to the topic of what i’d do if i got misgendered in a cinema, like holding this fuckin entire fictional argument with this manifestation of my own self doubt WHAT EVEN INSPIRED THAT THOUGHT PROCESS so i’m nigh passing out and the nice cab man takes me home and he tries to make me pay less than the fee on the clock and im like NO DUDE IT WAS MY OWN CHOICE TO GO 2 PARACETAMOL SHOP seriously he was SO NICE why cant i remember his faaaaaace and i usually like to give a tip to the taxi guy even though tipping isnt really a thing in my country cos just i feel like Being Nice Is Nice and i want to thank them for their nice but i DIDNT HAVE ANY MORE MONEY LEFT so aaaa i was only able to give him an extra £0.50 but thank you taxi man i hope you have a good night and good life and the universe rewards you for helping a migraine fucked bunbun this eve and now ive shoved medicines in my fave and im just waiting for them to kick in and i know i should eat something but i feel so nauseous aaarglefargle also nice taxi man told me a story about how the same thing happened to him once except the electric went out while he was in the shower. So he just got blasted by cold water AND had to stumble down the stairs in the dark, and then friggin buy electric while his ears were still fulla soap. Whoa dude your bravery in face of embarassment exceeds my own! i love you platonically mr cab man thanks for making me feel less nervous and such while i was Die so yeah hopefully i will be less die soon ok bye also sauboh is a best name and i need to steal it for an oc or something NINTEND U LET IT SLIP AWAY

#blunni thoughts #i am struggle to thoughts #man i wish i could fuckin sleepems

[doublesaber]

 fuck-long post, sorry if youre on mobile feel free to scroll through the entire thing

i am really surprised there arent more people tearing apart how well rey held herself together during the praetorian guard fight. like ive been making excuses for how she held off kylo in tfa (cause he had an abdominal wound and finn sliced his arm? i think? + force bullshit) but this really made me go ????? am i missing something how is she taking on these guys. broke the suspension of disbelief for me AND on that note i dont get why people are tearing into leia’s... journey back into the raddus so viciously. yeah it was undoubtedly cheesy but in a heartwarming way. im probably biased since ive been dying to see her actually use the force. also bb8 operating the atst. was. a bit too much too handle. and dj ex machina lmao. this post is getting long so i might as well continue.

poe’s characterisation has already been picked apart better than i can especially as i havent read the comics. he felt like a parody of himself :( and his story centred around miscommunication as a plot device so i was seething. all i really have of note to say about holdo is that her last sequence was astounding imo. paiges scene made me start crying 10 min into the movie and from there on i was just on-and-off the entire film. i loved seeing finn onscreen but all the unnecessary violence towards him was just horrendous and i really hope we get to see hux die painfully in ep9 cause they have devoted way too many seconds to finn getting hurt. once again other people have written about that better than i can esp since im white so i’ll leave it at that. i wasnt bored with his plotline at all, but he undeniably did not get much room to breathe as a character oh and his fight w phasma was a little disappointing due to its brevity. i just remembered an old leak from a reliable source that said he cut her arm off and im upset they got that wrong because that wouldve been so gloriously horrific since his baton wasnt even a sharp-edged weapon. in retrospect maybe that wouldve been too gorey for the pg 13 rating. ‘rebel scum’ was so satisfying though. 

rose is a verified chairman of antifa. all her speeches on canto bight were so heavy handed it was funny but i didnt really mind. as i decided wrt rey... being like that... im gonna pretend she didnt stun finn since it adds nothing aside from making her seem like an ass and the story’s better off without it. seems super unpopular but i dont have that much of an issue w lukes characterisation. when kylo showed rey the vision i was waiting for luke to amend it and show his side of the story and he did! and i dont think that single moment of doubt is the character assassination everyone thinks it to be buuuuuut thats subjective so its really up to the individual. i didnt feel like it was meant to incite sympathy for kylo as much as it was meant to show the toll on luke. i was more bothered by how brusque he was w rey since that’s day-to-day luke. ‘see you around kid’ was another thing i dont understand the hatred of. it’s overbearing uncle luke cheekily promising to force haunt kylo’s ass to the ends of the earth and i love how it tied into emphasising that kylo will never successfully kill the past. but lukes death def seemed to just be there for shock value and its ultimately pointless cause you know he’s gonna be back as a force ghost in 9. 

im so grateful they took kylo in the direction they did cause you know from here on out he’s dying! whether it be due to a schism in the fo, his own hand or someone from the resistance he’s not making it out of the trilogy. 'kylo doubles down on immersing himself in the dark’ was what id always wanted so yeah im good w that.

yodas appearance made me smile but id have rather seen obi-wan because ‘there’s nothing in that tree that rey doesn’t already possess’ or whatever he said to luke referring to the fact that rey actually ransacked the tree and took the books with her is the greatest ‘true from a certain point of view’ obiwan-ism EVER. i didnt even pick up on that until i read it later. 

i just realised i forgot to do a section on rey which sums up that i walked out of there feeling exactly nothing new about rey other than being annoyed at her engaging w kylo like that. and that doesnt really count. 

theres also a whole bunch of plot holes and loose threads that dont get explored  but im sure theyll make a bunch of spin off books to explore those to death and rake in more cash. actually none of those annoy me as much as rey taking on the guards does :/ rian was very fond of not following through with scenes and leaving it up to the audiences imagination (eg luke learning of han’s death offscreen). in case anyone reading this post hasnt noticed i generally care way more about how characters are handled rather than coherent plots so im not gonna nitpick too much. there were definite issue with abrupt shifts in tone but thats the least of this film’s worries. so overall many nice little moments but tlj definitely creates a bunch of questions (i dont envy jj abrams trying to figure out how to bring together a new alliance and defeat the fo in a two hour film) and answers too few (we still dont even know kylos motivation for originally turning aside from ‘snokes influence’ but im willing to concede that ‘sheer pride’ is good enough a motivator for this film), neglects or mischaracterises characters of colour and who was it that said luke and rey are the heart of this movie because that was blatantly untrue i really thought their relationship would be cute :/. im just holding out for a good finn arc in ep 9 at this point all the other minutiae can be filled in later through tie-in novels just give john boyega a chance to shine onscreen. also a gay romance would go a long way to cover up what potential bullshit abrams has to offer. what the fuck did john mean when he said this film def reveals the direction theyre taking finnpoe. im at a loss

#tlj spoilers #if youre on mobile im sorry i chucked it into a word counter theres 900+ words and theyre not saying much of note #edited it some more and its over 1000 words uh oh