#like I think I've just realised that it wasn't so much that Fyodor did anything in particular to Nikolai

[kikizoshi]

It's amazing how much of my progress with understanding and working with Nikolai as a character is predicated on his backstory. His backstory, which is exclusive to me, because I'm the one who made it. But every time I'm working on any questions to do with his philosophies or motivations, I have to delve into his past. It's so essential. No wonder I couldn't get anywhere with canon Nikolai--there literally just isn't enough there. Not enough for someone like me, anyway. I'm sure it's possible.

#like I think I've just realised that it wasn't so much that Fyodor did anything in particular to Nikolai #like from his perspective they were close friends but he didn't do anything extra like manipulate him #but for Nikolai Fyodor was an aspect of his stability--his ability to feel okay #because Nikolai's always searching for peace in the wrong places #like 'if I just had this I'd be okay' but of course he's wrong. because unless he finds it within himself #any feeling of stability is temporary #but it's always been like that for him. and in his 20s finally in Petersburg acting and meeting Fyodor #he had a place he could express himself and people he could be himself around. and for a while that was genuinely enough. he was happy #happy in a way he'd never really been before #but then when Fyodor was arrested it was like it all came crashing down again. suddenly nothing felt right. and nothing he did could fix it #he tried to live in spite of it but his emotions were crippling him. he just couldn't anymore. so he ran away again. #and lost everything again #and he finally realised that as he was he'd never be free to do anything. he'd always be trapped by his own feelings #and sure he could maybe find happiness again and rebuild but it would never last. this would just happen again and again #and thus he ended up at canon #of course there's a lot more than just that. many moments that make up those broad strokes. foreshadowing. #things weren't always perfect even at their best #and when it really started with his brother's death at 9 and suddenly being the eldest--all of that had a big impact on him too #but *all* of that comes from my backstory. without it where would I be? probably nowhere #bsd nikolai #bsd #writing #this still doesn't explain why he'd turn to terrorism and not just kill himself but it's a start