#like I've seen my aunt and cousins once and i only see my grandma every two years if we can and we are part of the lucky ones

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Oh shoot mb for this long ass novel of a post... not only went into a complete tangent I was also preeeeetty high up until recently. Well. Not recent. I am still high buut I think it's been 4 hours since and usually around this time aint too fussy. But yeh uh I have a bad habit of oveeexplaining when high... as you can see 💀💀💀

But yeah this is about 3 hours of high explaining why I'm taking a break from my normal trip report format so shits a wall o text

Atp.. I'm temporarily abandoning my typical format as the shit gets worse/more emotionally driven I either forget to write it all out or just plain don't want to. And I mean. This shit is for me. What would be the point of stressing a specific way of documenting the shit you know? Can just. Switch. And keep it moving. Not like it bothers me fr fr

Uh but. Since my last entry I think I've had a combined mid 3k rangeish of dph. Not toooo bad given my track record but still I know it's only been a few days since my last proper entry not the best either

Currently off a 450 dose so my saltiness won't be too obvious + I'll be to high to get too too upset about whatever other bs comes alone tonight. I'd take more but I'm saving a 200 for the ride home and I end up taking entirely too much on the ride here so I gotta be kinda conservative with my doses now 🥲

Lots of stuff at once. Lots. I don't even know where to begin as far as what's been on my mind. Just so much.. recently I've been crying pretty much every night. Some of it cause of one specific thing I'm thinking on and others just out of pure overwhelment. I'm guessing within the last like.. monthish and a half the longest I've gone w/o has been 4 days

It's annoying to hide tbh as I've been doing it more I've also been more confident in my ability to hide it meaninggg more tears/reaction. Still not horrible horrible but I have a hard time stopping til I'm tired tired so it usually equals a loooooong ass time sobbing or wanting to escalate it further and shaking from how hard I have to stifle myself. I even cried on this trip actually. Me and my mom shared a bed cause a cousin spent a night in the hotel and not thinking of how light of a sleeper she is I accidentally woke her up a few times from how hard I was shaking. I felt so bad oml I hope to god she was still mostly in sleep mode 🙃

Uh anyway. This is really random but I made this post cause today I was so tempted to steal a cig. I don't even smoke em I just was so curious about the risk there. And it made me feel weird.

My whole family smokes. Seriously like, my dad smokes, my mom smokes on and off, my grandma, aunt AND uncle and my moms side of the family?? Pfft. So it's been easy for me to try if I ever really wanted to. Not that they encourage it or anything. I know they'd be pissed. But I'm sure if I timed it right I coulda beeen tried. But now like I genuinely wanted it fr fr. Only reason I changed my mind is cause they wear too close and I ain't wanna risk it and have them look deeper into that

Speaking of family reminded me of R. God. I wish I could back already. I called her a few diff times and she didn't pick up. That's fine ofc bit it's like.. I dunno how to describe it. It feels like she's distancing herself again and I feel like it was my fault for being too predictable. If I had kept phone calls to few and far between she woulda seen it as special and prolly would answer. Bit nah since my dumbass decided to be greedy my calls mean nothing mostly and she'll just ignore whenever

I miss her so much. I hate that I know she's probably sad and lonely and fucking herself up mixing and redosing on shit that shouldn't be. I hate that I let it become routine. It's too much pressure for her rn. I shoulda let her come to me when she was okay to. It would've helped a lot more. But my dumbass introduced the stress of routine and made her feel bad for sometimes not being in the mood. I know she's prolly feeling guilty too. It breaks my heart bruh

I miss knowing what all she took and helping where I could. I wish I could go back. She has enough to stress on as is. I hate that she's pushing me away again. Not knowing specifics makes me so nervous. She barely even answers texts at this point. She had some health shit going on and I ofc thought okay well it doesn't need to be some long ass convo to be otp ima just ask and check in or her. But I'm still in the dark. We don't call everyday anymore, she's hiding all her health shit going on cause of her pill concoctions, and I can tell something's on her mind. I'd assume something bigger from how hard she's tryna shield it

I tried everything atp I don't know how to get her back. Im so scared and I don't want her suffering in silence because I got too overbearing. She's probably so fucking annoyed by me

I hate her partner. Full heartedly atp. I get it. Sometimes you say stupid shit and I know my bsf has done the same. But ghosting her through all this. Letting her beg you to just talk to you. Fucking dragging out a fight knowing damn well how destructive R is. She demands so much from R and what has she changed in returm? What has she done for R??

Want more time with her? Done. Dropped me within the week

Want to move in together? R's working damn near 7 days a week and tryna either have two jobs or aome side shit just for more to save

Don't like lip piercings? R won't get em even though she seems interested

Want to see her irl more? Before yall pressed pressed about moving in she was planning on not only going for her birthday but her partners too AND possibly Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And what as she changed in exchange??? I HEAR THE SAME OLD SHIT WVEYTIME YALL FIGHT BRUH

Honestly. Fuck that. I don't even care about specifics. Even if she did change all that shit, I'd still hate her for ignoring her for this long and being nothing but cold knowing it hurts. So manipulative. Why would you go out your way to hurt your partner if you do really love them? She has and had sooo many opportunities to speak her mind and move through this but nah nah let's just let my fucking pride keep us apart.

R deserves so much better. I wish they never met. I can't believe she still gets the short end of the stick even when she's proven over and over again she would do literally whatever for you. Literally in so much pain just from not getting to fix things. I hate it so much. She doesnt realize how much her effort is worth. Its so sad like. She could find sooo many people that would reciprocate all that love and care and some off how loyal and selfless she is ALONE but she had ti get stuck with the one dumbass that can't see her worth

She is so fucking stupid. Utterly and completely. There is literally no situation where she'd be in the right for doing this atp. None.

That's not really all but.. ranting about their relationship shit is never completely satisfying. I'd go on forever not thinking nothing of it sigh

I wish I could call her tomorrow. I know she ain't doing too great but I could take her mind off shit for a little. Plus I know I can usually tell if somethings bothering her. I hate that I'm just. Here.

And I miss her background noise. I'm so used to talking shit with her brothers with R dying and tryna join. Or her twin yelling over THEEE most bland games ever. Or hearing all the outlandish but tbh sensical shit she be lecturing R on

I miss her in general. I love discovering new songs from listening to the music she got blaring from her computer, 9 times out of 10, Juice WRLD songs 😭

Btuh and all we'd be quiet doing our thing then she'll bust out with the Outlandish junk just cause

The rare but nonetheless 10/10 days where we talk for hours and hours til we either HAVE to go or one of us fall asleep mid way through whatever long ass story either of us end up telling. Its so cute cause like. Course I think everyone has a sleepy voice but she used to have the most random sleeping habits. And plus even once she did sleep, she'd mute usually. But it makes me feel good that she trusts me enough to like.. not think to hide it? I'm sure she'd probably be self conscious about it after the fact but I mean. At least for the time she was comfortable so I be cheesing cheesing

And her voice is constantly on my mind. I sometimes ask questions or annoy her just to hear her. Plus like I dunno. I've grown to associate her voice with comfort so just listening to her talking ahit about some random 12 y/o o when she play bloxfuits is enough for me to gave a good time. Plus she got about a billion diff voices for specific junk and those are always fun to learn.

Ah sorry I didn't realize how off track I got bruh rip. Point is I miss her and I'm so worried about her but I feel trapped as if I try tooooo often she'll be used to ignoring my calls. Plus if I only text there's a possibility she'll either be sleep or will just ignore

Sigh. I wish I could fix everything for her. She doesn't deserve all this nonsense

#dph #benadryl #diphenhydramine #dph addiction #vent #excessively long #misc