#dph addiction

[southlandghost]

I'm addicted to dph. This is the first time I'm admitting it honestly.

I genuinely hate how much I depend on dph.

I hate how it's the only thing that can get me to sleep.

I hate how I had to be pumped full of it since I was an infant bc of how severe my allergic reactions get.

I hate how at 16 I was taking shots of children's Benadryl before school bc being drowsy was better than being 100% conscious in that hell hole.

I hate how it's the only medicine I can take when I'm sick bc my antidepressants make it impossible for me to take Mucinex or NyQuil bc I could develop serotonin syndrome.

I hate how at 19, I'm crying over my mother confiscating the Benadryl and confronting me, telling me that I'm going to overdose if I keep going on like this.

I hate that I love taking Benadryl because it makes me tired, and if I can sleep, I can escape from my life just for a little bit.

I hate that I just had to take Tylenol pm just to sleep, because the melatonin doesn't do anything but give me a headache.

I hate that dph runs my life.

#dph #dph addiction #tw addiction #tw dph #Benadryl

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Ig this would be the.. intro? I dunno. It's just gonna be a storyline of how I ended up here. I'm sorry that it's so long

I used to be mildly into benadryl when I was in middle school. I took it a few times for it's intended purpose not thinking nothing of it but then I started noticing I like the drowsiness of it

Which led me to taking some damn near everyday before school. It wasn't anything crazy. I think the most I did was 50 mg. But most days it was the basic ass 25

My parents started hiding our pills after I opened up about a suicide attempt in 8th and up until very recently, we had no medicine at our reach.

I guess I wasnt that addicted. I was slightly salty but I moved on pretty quick. And after a while, I looked back at that time like.. oh WOW uh. That coulda been a problem. Least I dodged it? 😅

Wrong.

I'm now 19 (was 18 when all this first went down tho). I went to visit my mom for Christmas and during the trip I got a bad sinus infection. Tho I didn't realize that was what it was. She ended up giving me some of my younger sisters benadryl. It was. So fucking gross. It was liquid and it was not as potent since it was for kids so I had to take what felt like gallons of it.

By the end of the trip she told me I could just take the rest cause she didn't need it really and I might have issues again from being around all those ppl again on my way back

I didnt really think nothing of it. I liked the feeling but I wasn't thinking about going to my old ways at the time

But there was this day that I was just bored. And I saw the bottle staring at me. And I was just like meh. Why not?

Which is what landed me here. I liked it so much. I decided to buy some tablets on my own so I could do it again. My best friend used to abuse dph so she was casually telling me about some concoction she took that had her feeling nice and I decided I wanted to try it too

It hit me hard those first few times. I was taking random doses with loads of Tylenol. I couldn't tell you how much I took half the time. I would just be dancing around my room, chugging whatever energy drink i picked and taking em as I felt like it was starting to taper some.

Those first few times were. Very weird. My memory was so bad I was forgetting things mid thought/sentence. I had a really hard time talking to my bsf when I was gone off it. My vision wss lowkey blurry and I would be thinking about something and forget that I'm just THINKING it and it's not actually happening and by the time I look back down, ive texted her some nonsense

She used to find it funny tbh. She did warn me against using Tylenol frequently as she fucked her liver at the ripe age of 17 abusing that. So I decided to stop mixing and just focus on benadryl and monsters. Then I started to run out of money for energy drinks so I decided to just up my dosages so I'd feel good off of benadryl alone

I think by this point I started taking... 500? Damn near everyday. Once it was nighttime, I would get high. Unless I didn't feel like it or I forgot, I was high

I used to doordash it to me so my parents wouldn't get suspicious about me going places and only walking out with pills and drinks. But I quickly ran through sm money doing that. Doordash is expensive as is but after a point the packs I was buying would last all of a day or two.

By the time this was going on it was still all jokes and I still felt like I wasn't doing any harm. And she didn't either. We both got high together at one point. We just talked and did our thing til we passed out on vc. I believe this was around... February?

This is gonna seem random but. You remember how I said I visited my mom for Christmas? I got there by flight. But in order to get a cheap ticket I had to sit around and wait for my next flight. There was like... 10 hours of downtime. At the time, me and my best friend didn't talk for that that long. We'd play games together and vc, but usually once we got bored we'd talk for a bit more and say our goodbyes. But this layover junk had me scared. 10 hours is a long ass time. Someone could snatch me up or rob me. I dunno. I guess I was being paranoid

But I asked her one day if she minded staying on vc with me during it. And to my surprise she said yeah. I tried to warn her and shake her off the day of. She seemed sleepy and I was honestly nervous to be talking to her for that long. I thought she'd get bored and just be mad that she agreed

I've always been really antsy and was always worried about people being annoyed by how quiet I am. So I usually overcompensate. But with everything going on, I really couldn't keep up the bubbly thing for that long. I think by hour 4 I was done. My thighs stung from me wearing these jeans I had to pull up every 5 seconds, I was hungry but I didn't wanna eat in her ear, and I was really sleepy.

But even with all that said, it ended up being.. so fun. I wasn't even doing anything particularly interesting. But that's honestly what made it fun. Being on the phone with her taught me what comfortable silence felt like. It was... really nice to have someone I didn't have to worry about doing all that for. She didn't act any different towards me whether I'm on 1000% or being a hermit. She said she'd be there and she was determined to be there.

And while I didn't realize it at the time, I now see that day as when I fell for her. It iss. Kinda weird to think about now. To sum up the rest, we started talking way more; to a point where we were on vc for days and days at a time and we could go hours talking about whatever. Our families started to be familiar with us, to a point where they felt comfortable talking to me and vice versa. Those few months were amazing really

But ofc. All good things must come to an end. I didn't really realize it but she started catching feels as well. But, her girlfriend broke up with her. I guess its fair. We were always talking and shed forget to text her back being busy doing shit with me. She actually said she felt the same way towards me. But she decided that she should be focusing on fixing/proving herself to girlfriend even if that meant ignoring what all happened between us.

It still stings a lot. But at the time?? It was. A huge shock. I already was kinda letting go entirely in front of her. It had gotten to the point where we were always on the phone. So having her just like. Hey yeah I did say I love you and I do, but I love my girlfriend more so we can't talk like that anymore. I was sobbing. I didn't understand what I should do. How could she literally sit there and do all that and just.. boom yeah no more of that. I enjoyed it and you enjoyed it but we can't. I can't lose her

I felt so pathetic and I just wanted to stop thinking about it. Which led me to try to forget it with dph. And it didn't work. At all. I was still scream crying into my bed wishing I could go back to the not so complicated times of before. We were just existing. Enjoying each others company and doing what we felt like. But now, I have to worry about stepping on toes and being conscious of how often we speak cause her girlfriend will get upset if we talk too often

I couldn't even blame the gf tbh. It was completely fair for her to be upset. Which made it feel.. so much worse. I didn't know who to be mad at

And i just.. couldn't figure it out. So I kept going to dph. It got to a point where it wasn't even helping much. It just felt routine. This all went down late february/early march and between now and then, I was almost never sober. I'd stop for at most a few days. Then I'd start crying or something and go back. Not even entirely cause of her anymore. Just everything. I was so fragile. Anything that even mildly irritated me would make me want dph. Plus, it didn't help that I have been genuinely haviing big issues going on anyway.

Before all this went down, I failed a course and lost a scholarship that was the only reason I could afford the in the first place. So I dropped out. Or tried to. My uni's semesters were structured where there was 3 months of school and 3 months of work but none of their job opportunities were close enough to be feasible. So I technically was in school but.. not? I dropped out late february. And after a while of slow back and forth about that, by the time they finally let me out the school, they decided to drop the bombshell that the charges on my account were not for the winter 2022 term, they were from the fall. I'm assuming it's payment for the lost scholarship but I now owe them nearly 7k and they won't give me my transcript until I clear that.

I already had to borrow money anyway so I now owe... 22k? I believe? From one singular semester.

That all coming together is what made me spiral. I had learned that all about late april and I only had a week left to turn in my application for my next school. But now? No chance. I don't have 7k lying around so I can't prove I went to school. So i'm fucked. Least til Summer term

But, I think I'll be on the hook for my student loan soon. I haven't been in school since January. So it just. piled up. I never wanted to be here anyway and now I'm going to be stuck slaving working off my debt for something I was never really that interested in.

I was constantly high around this time. I'd usually wait til nighttime but then? I couldn't stand to be with my thoughts period. I was taking 600 and up everyday. Sleeping whenever and waking up, taking more, then going back to sleep.

Towards the end of this months long streak, I was planning on killing myself. I saw that if the student dies, loan debt would be cleared and I figured my uni wouldn't be pressed enough to hound the family of a dead ex student over 7k. I had it all prepared and everything and I was fully ready. I had bought a 1000 pill bottle of dph a little bit before all the stuff between me and my best friend went down and I still had plenty. I had gotten used to taking grams and up atp as well. So I figured all I had to do is take a few grams and wait.

But, I tried to give my best friend a heads up as in the past, I said I would. I didn't want to lie even if that did mean scaring her for the moment. I didn't say it outright. I was just being real ominous and telling her to find someone cooler if I take too long to be online again and shit. But omg.. It stung so hard to see how scared she was. I thought I was doing her a favor for letting her know that I possibly wouldn't be around but she was so fucking scared. And I felt horrible for it. Ofc, I know that is better than hitting her blind and lying. But yeah.

I couldn't go through with it though. There was so many times where I was going to but I was dreading not speaking to her. I hated ignoring her. And I just started thinking on if I survived. I'd have so much to explain to my parents. Plus, they'd be babying me for however long they end up doing that this time and they'd be watching me for a bit. I wouldn't be able to get high for a looooong time if I get caught

So I just. Stayed. Not really cause I want to but cause I don't want to deal with the consequences of me not staying. And in the meantime I got even more fucked off dph. I was getting to a point where I could barely feel anything below 300mg and I'd for the most part being taking shit in the 750-1k range. I think the highest I've gone was 1.25k? I dunno

But it got... really old. After you get into super high dosages the dry mouth thing turns into a lot more than just dry mouth. It became routine to be using eye drops 24/7 just to read texts cause my eyes were so dry they were making everything blurry. I'd feel so sick and sleepy for days after. And I was always so fucking thirsty.

So I tried to replace it with other shit. I tried to get back into dxm. I really liked it and that one time me and my best friend got high on it together made me chase that same feeling for a good while before I gave up on it and got back to dph. I tried to get back into it recently but swallowing all those damn pills is just. Too much. I tried delta 8. She really harped on it being good and she seems to really like smoking but for me? Delta 8 wasn't nearly strong enough for me to consider it a replacement to dph. I'd sit there and smoke all day and feel slightly different. It ended up getting used solely as a booster for when I took dph.

And that about brings us to now. I've gone a week here and there "quitting" benadryl but. I always circle back. I get really shaky and moody when I withdraw cold turkey so recently when I did it I made sure to taper instead. And it worked... relatively well. I was still was more irritable than usual but I wasn't ticcing so. Good enough

Uh is that offensive to say? I dunno. It's the firdt thing that came to mind. The first time I did it I kept jerking my head to left and I did it so much my neck was burning and cramping. I couldn't stop it unless I was in front of others out of fear of getting caught and even that was only to an extent. I couldn't control it at all and I couldn't sleep for 3 days cause my head just kept on jerking

I thought I'd be done for good after that last one tbh. But I was going to try dxm again cause I was falling off the deep end again and I wanted benadryl but I figured dxm would be a good replacement for the time being as I already had enough for 3rd plat on deck and I really don't have the money to buy anything else. So I took my usual nausea concoction so I won't puke up all the pills. 3 pepto bismol pills and a small amount of benadryl.

What I wasn't thinking of, however, is that my tolerance had greatly lowered since I wasn't taking high ass doses 24/7. at the time I was doing dxm regularly I was use to half grams of dph so 150 was really nothing

But that wasn't the case. I was waiting for the benadryl to kick in so that I'd know when I was good to get going with taking all 80 million of the damn dxm pills. But once the dph kicked in.. I really wasn't thinking about dxm anymore. It felt so good. I missed it sm.

I am. Kinda sad that I'm back to it. As I'm writing this I'm off a 3pm 200mg dose. It's really just the remnants atp but better than nothing ig. I've been trying to keep my doses as small as I can. But with that, I've been a lot more comfortable being high throughout the day so ig it aint that much of an improvement. It's gotten to the point where I'll take it when I'm out and about as well. I was just at the mall bout to pass out cause I decided to take some while I was there.

I just. I dunno. It just feels right atp. I'm so fucking sad all the damn time and this at least diverts my focus. I don't have to be sad about what a failure I've become. I can just focus on being sad about how sick I feel or how much I hate being dependent on allergy medicine. And people don't realize it but they prefer me high. I swear. Within the week I was off it I was told I looked sickly, depressed, and I bummed out my best friend a multitude of times.

I'm less self-conscious on it. I'm just so focused on staying up that it takes more effort for that sort of thing to poke through. So it usually doesn't. 99% of the pictures I take are when I'm high and everyone has been really glad I'm "getting out my shell" I've never been huge on pictures but. lol.

I've never really had too much off the hallucinatory effects benadryl is popular for. Ofc, I've had my moments towards the beginning but nowadays? Never. Unless I nap on it I'm pretty much normal. When I sleep uh. it gets fuzzy ngl. But all the shit about like. Hatman, static, spiders? Never. I just daydream more vividly and I do gotta put in the effort to not forget that's all they are. Plus, it makes music so much better. It's so nice to be able to listen to a song cause I like it rather than to drown out my thoughts. It makes all the basic shit just. Feel good.

Though, I know I need to stop at some point. I'm constantly dehydrated and I'm going to build a tolerance again. I've been good about not going over 200 lately but give it a week and I'm sure something's going to upset me to where I go over that

I'm going to use this page to go into specifics about my habit cause now that she's concerned about it, I don't want to talk to her on it more than I have to. So that will include, thoughts and feelings and possibly symptoms if I'm feeling up for it. It's mostly for me to keep track but if anyone wants to watch feel free.

Though, I'll say this much. If you are going to try and talk me out of it, don't. Not saying it like that but. I know what I'm doing is harmful. I already have an ulcer off the mere 5 months I've been doing this and my heart does it's own thing at times. And to the droves of ppl that love to scream oH sMoKe iNsTeAd!1!11! or jUsT dO dXm!!!1!!111!! pay for it and I will. til I can afford to casually drop the money to buy bottle after bottle of pills for dxm or the copious amounts of weed I'd need to replace dph, I'm just gonna do me and try my best. Sorry if that ain't good enough for yall as well.

#dph #benadryl #dph addiction #recovery? #vent #excessively long

[xxflutterinax]

#longlive #drug memes #dph #dxm #dex #the hat man #shadow people #valium #diazepam #addiction memes #tw drugs #zaleplon #hypnotics #deliriants #dissociatives #benadryl trip #benadryl #robitussin

[ix-c-999]

benadryl/dph blinkies

[please do not use these if you are a minor, but otherwise this post has no dni other than not to involve it in discourse, mockery, or other harassment]

#.txt #[venn] #flashing / #drugs #addiction #dph #diphenhydramine #blinkies #blinkie #spacehey #actuallyaddicted #actually addicted #recovering addict #benadryl #addictionposting

[erikaqueenpauline]

sometimes I get so fucked up I have difficulty counting, tying shoelaces, remembering how to spell words. shit is pathetic. this is not the way to live your life, kids. don't abuse cough medicine and benadryl or you'll end up as retarded as me.

#dxm #robotripping #dextromethorphan #drug abuse #diphenhydramine #benadryl #dph #addiction

[transexualbutchfagdyke]

God I'm so fucking proud of myself and I love life so much. I'm so glad I'm alive. I've been through so much shit and I've lived through it all. I'm a year sober and 19 years old and life is so fucking beautiful. the fact that we're all here at the same time living on the same earth and able to talk to each other. its so beautiful. I think I'm gonna cry

#im so stoned #ratt squeaks #weed tag #year sober means sober from DPH which i was heavily addicted to. i smoke hella weed and drink occasionally

[latefrequencies]

I have my second session of therapy today and I summarized the first three years of my adult life, and now I’m onto the next five where I was living with my grandparents, and at first I was daunted by the prospect of summarizing five years in an hour but then I just realized it just went “I did drugs, engaged in fantasy and with the internet, and left”

#this has been a self related post #drugs / #addiction / #dph days

[vampire6bux]

retards on the dph sub talking about nex Benedict im gonna fuckjng jump all of them but who was i to think that all of these brain damaged allergy med eaters were well adjusted people

#someone posted abt how they were trying to rule nex’s death as a suicide with dph #and people were saying stuff like ‘aw must suck are you gonna od after your ass whooping too’ #and ‘bet he regretted it haha must have been seeing insane bugs’ #like fucking kill yourself i mean what do i expect from the community of redditors thatll have dementia by 25 #before some rando comes across this Fuck u im a Benadryl addict too #they’re all just disgusting excuses of human beings

[flamingo--ing]

thinking abt dph

#funniest shit imaginable #ppl r out here getting addicted to seeing nightmares and feeling like shit #i so get it tho #dph my beloved

[southlandghost]

Realized that I don't like drinking solely bc it doesn't make me feel the same way dph did.

#dph addiction #dph #benadryl

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

#21

I took like 750 earlier and my days on days of constantly popping pills has brought some kinda shitty side effects. This is a a bit tmi but i figure it would be something that I'd wanna keep track of now. But uh I can now go a whole day without taking a piss. I really gotta work keeping hydrated. I was already chronically dehydrated when I wasn't taking dph but my already not enough water intake with pills that slurp up any and all moisture is definitely not helping. It got so bad that I physically couldn't cry. I'd be in the motion of it but no tears would come. Tho if I'm being real I'm prolly gon do another 500 once it gets a little later. I'm stressing stressing and I just want to pretend nothings wrong for a while. I'm gonna chug hella water in the meantime tho

Warning in advance this post is really long. Both the aftermath and notes are extremely extensive due to me fr fr going through it rn. I figured I'd rather have an overly detailed note that most'll skip but might help one person feel normal than a vague/quick explanation that doesn't give enough info to be of use to anyone genuinely struggling

This is gonna be a long aftermath section cause there's actually a lot I need to explain but if you don't need/want specifics the tldr would be

AFTERMATH

-I think I'm jaundiced rn. I'm not entirely sure as if I am or I'm just looking too hard but I've had previous issues with excess bile so it's a real possibility

-Hella dehydrated. Excessive crying and a high dose has made it a lot worse in a shorter amount of time. I can't cry again due to how little water I have in me

-Appetite has been hugely varies day by day but lately I haven't really been wanting/remembering to eat. It has been damn near 24 hours since I've ate last and even then I didn't eat much. I feel sick cause of it

-I don't feel overly sickly tho. I feel pretty much normalish considering everything that went down last night

The rest of this is a lot of rambling but those points are the general jist of it. Definitely read if you're curious about how all that happened.

....or if you wanna see me whining about R's partner for the probably 50th time now.... T^T

Soo I ended up taking 600/650 (dont remember which) after I was crying for so.. sooo long. I was crying so hard that I gave myself a headache and my stomach/chest kinda hurt from me trying to hold back from sobbing too loudly. I eventually stopped once I had to go upstairs for some toilet paper cause my nose... yuck.. I literally never cry for long enough where that's an issue but I was sulking one second and that SPRINTING up the stairs the next. The shit was threatening to fall out my nose and like... it was either gonna fall on me or my bed or my floor... basically my snot was tryna play flee the facility and while I was in a shitty mood, I was not in a bad enough mood to chill with snot all over me

Though I don't know what possessed me in that moment but I took a video of myself while I was up there. You could clearly see my red ass eyes and my puffy eyelids. I will confess I do kinda like how I look after I cry cause of the puffy thing but I mean. Usually I would have the common sense to know no one else is gonna see it that way so there is literally 0 point to try and take pictures like that.

Sorry slight tangent. I bring all that up cause when I rewatched the video, I noticed that my skin looked a little off. I've been breaking out for a few reasons lately and I was picking at my skin for a bit out of stress. So when I watched the video and it was like.. smooth looking I was kinda like ?? my camera must suck ass. Thats weird

But today I looked at it and I feel like I looked glowyish which was strange. I was just sitting there like, it aint even like shiny glowy I'm just lighter looking.. then I noticed I was weirdly yellow. I was just sitting there looking like.. am i tripping? so I go to the bathroom and I ofc, looked sickly. I mean. That's a given. I took 1.5k in a single day, I haven't taken any since I woke up, barely slept, barely ate, dehydrated, sobbed for hours... I am a hot mess. God. Anyway. I looked way different than I ever had before. I know how I look when I'm withdrawing and this was worse. Usually if I feel like shit, I look like shit but I really wasn't expecting what I saw. I looked yellowish and with my lips being dry it made them look paler/ashy so the combo wass just kinda shocking

Content warning: specifics on stool junk. Skip the green section if you don't wanna hear it

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I've had this one symptom for quite a while now but I felt like it was a bit tmi but at this point, I want to be entirely transparent. When I stopped for that week and relapsed tryna do dxm, I basically felt the sameish as I did before the break and I thought nothing of it. But as I started ramping up my habit again, I noticed that I would need to poo like RIGHT after I took my pills. It was so weird. 10-20 mins after without fail, I'd need to go. Then once I started taking it multiple times a day, I'd also need to need to go multiple times a day. It was so fucking annoying as I'm a person that needs to go a few times a week. Depending on what I'm eating, i'd prolly go 3-5 times a week. So going from that to every single day/multiple times a day drove me nuts.

That in itself was already so annoying but I would've accepted it if that's all it was. But during that time, anytime I had those pill induced shits it would burn so bad. It was the weirdest sensation. I'm sure everyone has experienced eating a spicy food and then immediately regretting it once it's time to pass it. And I mean with that, yeah it hurts but it mostly dissipates once its out. But this shit... oh my god. The burn of it was different from anything I've ever had before. It'd literally hurt for so long after. Not to where it's excruciating but it was just odd to feel my junk burning off some junk I passed 10 mins ago. When I did it multiple times a day however.. that's when I couldn't take it. It'd burn damn near everytime as is but not getting a long enough time inbetween this junk made it sting worse and worse.

Around this time I started to google junk cause it was getting out of hand. My stool was always green during that time so I looked into that first. I saw mostly people talking about it's harmless most of the time and probably diet based but I knew I had to be a special case. So I kept looking when I found out about the possibility of having bile in my junk and it all made sense. My acid reflux has been worse, the burning would make perfect sense, and plus I saw that if your body digests the junk too quick there's sometimes an excessive amount of unabsorbed bile. I irritated tf out of my stomach with all the pills so I would not be shocked my stomach would just want whatevers inflaming out as SOON as possible.

After a while, I just was tired of being in pain and I'd just ignore my stomach whining to get that mess out of me. It was getting to be entirely too much and I knew it'd probably reopen my ulcer but I couldn't be bothered to care

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Anyway I explain all that because when I was looking into jaundice causes all I was seeing was mentions about liver shit and excessive bile can leave you looking yellow/green. With my excessive bile thing happening before, I knew that was probably what it was. I'm gonna hope that the combo of me taking hella pills without drinking much water is what made my liver play me this time. I don't want that to be an actual thing I have to be conscious of.. I don't want my parents to drag me to the doctor's office and if they saw me like that it's basically guaranteed. Honestly, they probably wouldn't even bother they'd prolly go straight to urgent care. I can't even imagine all the explaining I'd have to do.. All the issues the doctor could point out. God. What if they see all the benadryl floating around my system and know I'm abusing them without me even saying anything?? What if they tell my parents behind my back?? I know they can't afford to put me in some fancy ass rehab shit. Where th would you even find that..

So in order to not have my minion-esque skin be what gets me found out, I'm gonna start going out my way to chug water where I can and start tapering off again. I've noticed I haven't really had that sickly out of it feel when I get into the 500+ range so I'm guessing if I lower it from that I should probably be good? I dunno. For now I'm not saying I'm quitting as I have no clue how long it'll take to get used to lower and lower amounts but at the very least I won't be going back to my peak doses. That 750 I took was the most I've had since pre relapse and it'd be so easy to slide back into my everyday 750-1.25k range atp but it really isn't worth it. I'd have to drink so much water to accommodate that and if I do now gotta worry about jaundice I'm sure giving my liver even more meds to process would be a extremely poor decision.

I am exhausted though.. Now that I'm done writing this I'm honestly bouta take a nap

R and her girlfriend are going through a really rough patch right now. To the point where she thinks her partner is going to leave her. She's been real focused on working and stuff and i guess with that she didn't notice that she was going through something..?

NOTES/EMOTIONS

The funny part is she was working that hard so that they could move in together next year. Something they both were really set on. It's kinda sad. R must be so confused.

The thing is like.. this has been a CONSTANTT on and off issue for them. I fully get wanting to hang with her but this is what... 5th? 6th? time that they've had strain because of how much they hang. And that's only the times that my bsf has told me about. It just like.. what else can she do? They still talk everyday and she still doesn't really play/talk to many other people to give her her for the most part completely undivided attention. But at the same point, this is R's first time having a job where she has hours hours. I'm sure that shit can be tiring as is but she literally aint used to it yet. She only started working long long shifts 2-3 weeks ago. She be exhausted. I feel like her partner wants her to just sit there and talk to morning to evening like she did when she didn't have all too many time commitments and it just aint realistic. I don't get why they're still fighting on that

They fight a lot in general. It feels like every few days she'll seem off and I'll be like oh I'm sorry and try and comfort her and junk. But then theyre just "back good" by the next day. I don't think either of em are addressing the real problem if they need to argue so damn much

Plus, I don't see how R doesn't see it but she said it herself she brought up them feeling distant, her girlfriend didn't change literally anything. She said it for herself and still ended up blaming herself by the end of it. She thinks that she was neglecting her and it was her fault for not knowing about her struggles even though she has literally brought it up multiple times... plus she focuses focuses on her once she gets back. SO it's just like.. I dunno. I just feel like her partner just.. aint it

That sounds so harsh but I mean. God. She made R feel like she had to drop all her damn hobbies and "grow up", she makes her feel like shit for STRUGGLING with multiple addictions because R said she'd quit and apparently her relapsing means she was lying the whole time, gives her the cold shoulder whenever she feels like knowing damn well R is terrified of abandonment and'll go nuts and do whatever to get her back whether its right or wrong to, plus like my bsf LOVES weed and her partner wants her to quit by the time they move in together.

To me, I think that the two need to breakup. My bsf's partner clearly wants a whole different person and I don't think R should feel bad for not just forcing herself in the perfect partner mold.

The thing that's been irking me the most is her giving R the cold shoulder when she gets high with no fucking thought on context. She has literally been escaping through that shit for damn near 5 years at this point. I fully get not understanding that shit cause you don't do that sort of thing. I'm glad she doesn't honestly. It'd be one more thing for R to stress on plus she can be her voice of reason.. Well okay if she actually gave enough of a fuck to be a voice of reason she could be. But that's the thing. She just parrots out the "right thing" and get mad that my bsf can't just poof into sobriety. I'm so tired of R coming to me in distress cause her girlfriend is icing her out cause she smoked a single cig. or weed to help her sleep.. Just like. Stupid shit. She gives 0 positive reinforcement whatsoever. How does she not see how damn far R has come??

When I first met her, she'd causally take dxm day after day and get so messed up on that shit she'd actually blackout. She used to stay high or drunk. Didn't matter that it was hurting her. She just wanted an escape. But now?? She is so much more responsible. She actually googles and researches instead of just doing whatever with no concern with her health. She doesn't take dxm anymore cause she saw that it could possible heighten her blood pressure. She doesn't really take dph anymore... tho there has been a few occasions these last few months. She smokes like.. 2-3 cigs a dayish when before she could go through an entire pack within a single day. She only smokes weed every once in a while vs when before she'd CONSTANTLY going through pen after pen

LIKE?? I just. I hate that she makes R feel so shitty for not being 100% with that stuff. I feel like she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm proud of her for all the changes she's made within the last few months but hearing it from her partner would mean the world to her. How hard is it to just support her?? So fucking selfish.

Plus some of the time she does that shit, she ain't even doing it cause she wants to and her partner NEVER CONSIDERS THAT.R's heart has been being weird for months now. Doctors ain't really been helping too much as far as solutions go and with her liver being fucked beforehand she has to just take it at times. The medicine she has available to her has they own pros and cons. Which leads her to sometimes smoke to not feel that shit so much.

I remember this one day me and her didn't talk much the whole day so I freaked out and tried to get through to her through damn near every form of contact I had. I damn near texted her mom but I thought that would be too much for day 1 so I had a draft written up for if she was gone. I was terrified. She never just dips like that.

...Only for her to text me back about an hour later. I was slightly annoyed at first but once she explained I bout cried. She was in so much pain that she oded on dph so she could sleep it off. She started opening up about how much pain she be in and how the bp pills have so many side effects and she can't really take tylenol anymore cause of her liver. A lot the time when she smokes weed/take dph its to dull the pain of that. It's why I try to be as vocal as I can about supporting her on that shit. I don't want her to be dependent on ANYTHING ofc but I can't imagine having to sit there in excruciating pain with little to help you.

To have your own partner just... disregard that cause she doesn't like her being on anything just grosses me out.

But despite all that, I am still.. so fucking sad for my bsf. She really loves that girl and even with their severely unbalanced relationship I know her partner has her good qualities. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes rn. Feeling like all your accomplishments and growth was for nothing cause at the end of the day you lost the reason you were pushing yourself so hard.

This is honestly the worst case scenario. I've been dreading this day so much. On one hand, if they do end up breaking things off, at least she won't have to deal with all the stressors of being stranded in a completely diff state. I knew being around each other 24/7 would eventually force a lot of their issues to the forefront and seeing how they respond to disagreements as is I couldn't imagine that arrangement lasting for too long. But at the same time.. R is not gonna see their dynamic for what it is until she is long long over it. There are no positives for her in this you know? She's not gonna see it as a lesson to only put your all into relationships once you see the same from them. All she's seeing it as is a another person abandoning her. Another person she isnt good enough for.

I wish I could pull her out that pit myself. I hate that I have to just sit there and watch for now. I remember how hurt I was over a 2mo relationship with a fucking groomer. I didn't accept that shit for yearssss. I can't imagine having someone you have so many memories with possibly leaving from your life

I hope to god she doesn't do anything too rash. I know she's going to spiral.. She's probably passed out drunk rn tbr. And she's prolly gon be hurting herself for a looong long time. It makes me so upset. I hate that she's gonna treat herself like dirt because she wasn't able to transform into the picture perfect partner her girlfriend expected her to be. I wish I could just say a magic word and she'd just be over it.

I don't know how I want to approach comforting her if things do end up ending. On one hand, we used to talk alot more and she was a lot more open about her feelings pre treating-her-girlfriend-like-she-treated-me mode so would it be good for me to try and get her back to that? Does that come off as me trying to replace her gf? Will she think I'm just tryna make her like me back and I'm just rushing to steal her partners spot? And plus like.. I know how this shit goes. No matter what I say or do she's still going to hurt. Will me trying to distract her just annoy her? Is that actually helpful?

God.. I feel like I've been writing forever. I'm sorry. First time in a while and I just started going on and on. But that ll is a pretty thorough breakdown of everything on my mind right now. I am so scared on what R is going to be doing to try and cope. And I'm scared that her possible ex is gonna be a sore spot for her for a while. I'm not really hoping they get back together but I kinda am at the same time. I wish that they'd break up on R's terms. I know the after stuff would be a lot easier on her that way. She would've already come to the terms that their relationship aint feasible for one reason or another which is a huge step as is.

Buuut. nope. Well. Ig it aint guaranteed. They might not breakup at all. I'm gonna hope they do tho. She doesn't need someone that'll sit there and purposely punish and hurt her cause they don't get their way. Sorry again for the long ass notes section. I'm just really scared

#dph #benadryl #diphenhydramine #dph addiction #trip reports #vent #excessively long

[donkykingdropped2muchxndied]

there should be a dating app exclusively for dph addicts I think that'd be funny

[terriblymessedup]

I've been under a considerable amount of stress lately. During these times of stress I've made a lot of mistakes. One of the worst being DPH.

💊 Dph in small doses is used to control allergies and help people sleep (up to 50 mg)

💊 After 50 mg you start getting the reverse effects.

You no longer have the option to sleep. You have gone to hell.

💊 The first thing you will notice is a growing sense of unease becoming a whole ass sense of impending doom.

💊 (tw spiders) they are everywhere. crawling all over everything. it's hard to tell what's real bc dph is a dangerous deliriant.

💊 you may hallucinations very terrible circumstances but it's too late. You can't take it out now. You can try water and vomiting but can you even remember how long it's been since you took it?? It's probably all absorbed.

💊 You may forget you took anything. This can lead to disaster. Especially if you go out. Other people will be able to tell you're on something though.

💊 You can't think clearly. You can't drive. You can barely move. You are also unable to pee.

💊 Oding in on it can and will cause irreversible brain damage, cause seizures, and death.

💊 There will be people walking around your room. That is enough to make a lot of people uneasy.

💊 You might be convinced someone is out to get you or that you're going to get caught.

💊 you might switch to manual breathing where you have to think about it or you won't take a breath and the short term memory loss is huge.

💊 you will constantly forget what you are doing or saying. It will be impossible to hold a thought or to talk to others.

💊 you could have a fall because your body feels too weird to move or heavy. Sometimes you just can't get yourself back up.

💊 you might think someone is talking to you.

You will hear their voice clear as day and respond- then they'll say they didn't say anything.

💊 Terror and anxiety will build, leaving you a complete wreck. You will hate almost every moment of it but you won't want to stop.

💊 did I mention the possibility of redosing thinking you didn't take anything yet? Let's say you planned on taking like 6- forget and do that over and over in a loop and B4 you know it you are absolutely f*cked.

-

so, to sum it up.

This will make you hear and see horrifying things and events while you have no mental capacity to distinguish it from the reality around you. Friends and loved ones might walk up and start talking to you or yelling at you but they won't be there. You may have long term organ and brain damage. You will see spiders and translucent people wondering around. You may get PTSD from this. You may become ADDICTED even if you absolutely hate it.

You want to stay away from this stuff.

Please don't abuse OTC.

I know you might be sad and desperate but I promise you experiencing this will not make your life any better. The only reason why I can remotely enjoy it is bc I am seriously mentally ill and even though I tried to get help for years I still remain unable to manage.

#addiction #tw depressing stuff #tw drugs #drugblr

[beforemysunrise]

Intro post I guess

Hi, my name is Aryn and I'm the co-host of a DID system. This blog will be dedicated to posting memes, discourse, and our experiences as a DID system.

About me (us?):

19

body is ftm but I identify as cis

bisexual and aromantic, engaged

Like 10 alters maybe idrk

I like music, cats, and weed

recovering nic and DPH addict

BPD, Bipolar 2, Anxiety, CPTSD, DID, AuDHD

i live in a domestic abuse situation

I need more online friends

Beliefs

110% anti endo

pro self dx if done "correctly"

dissociative disorders are not comparable to "nondisorderd plurality/systems"

pro-recovery

pro-therapy

pro-functional plurality

I also have a rabbit named Beans :)

#did #osddid #systems #did system #anti endo #anti endogenic #trans system #lgbt system #traumagenic #traumagenic system #syscourse #syscourse blog #new blog

[dexrlybel0ved]

sometimes (most of the time tbh 💀) tiktok is so fucking stupid. like there's a post w some dude going around talking abt the "psychedelic effects" of nutmeg, and even tho i haven't watched the whole thing it's like...there are children on there and u are all but encouraging them to poison themselves via false info.

nutmeg and its effects are NOT NECESSARILY psychedelic. to compare it to lsd or shrooms or anything of the sort is just...not accurate. maybe in some experiences, but the majority ive heard do not align with those effects. despite nutmeg and its active ingredients (myristicin, elemicin, some other ones i dont remember lol) not being technically classified as a deliriant or an anticholinergic (according to reddit, which ig should b taken with a grain of salt lol. but apparently the exact nature of the substance isn't completely understood) like dph, scopolamine, etc, it's effects are similar to that of anticholinergic toxicity: delirium, psychosis and risk of HPPD following a trip, dehydration, heart issues, paranoia and general dysphoria (dosage-dependant, it may be euphoric in some cases), a trip length of several days, body load with poor motor control, hallucinations, nausea, dpdr and more.

experiences vary from person to person but the amount and type of nutmeg matters too; like in the case of other plants like datura, the efficacy of myristicin and other psychoactive ingredients varies between products, meaning that one cannot really determine the intensity of the trip they will have if they are ingesting the ground powder. this is especially dangerous as myristicin is neurotoxic, and high dosages can really fuck with a person and possibly damage their body for life, if not kill them.

sure, it can have positive or "fun" effects (and it seems more likely that the experience will be negative according to testimonials from others), but the risks are numerous even in comparison to other things that'd probably be more enjoyable. i mean, ive done dph which is notoriously horrible for u, but at least people seem to be figuring out its not a fun challenge to do and instead a brain-frying, addictive over-the-counter drug. it's just...frustrating to see potentially dangerous misinformation being spread on an app with a bunch of children who don't know to research by themselves.

before trying nutmeg or any deliriant tbh, ALWAYS research and examine whether it's a good idea (and it's probably not a good one. i still think about dph all the time even tho i know it's fucked my memory). it's so so SO important to educate urself about interactions, effects, dosages, and what to do in the event of an od.

that's all, rant over ig lol

#harm reduction #nutmeg #deliriants #vent #tiktok #fuck tiktok #stfu bree #dph #cw drugs #education #PLEASE RESEARCH YOURSELF. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH #deliriant safety #long post #text #sryyyy #no one’s prolly gonna read this but whateva

[transexualbutchfagdyke]

god. i can't believe like 2 years ago I was taking dph almost daily and tripping balls and getting delirious. first time I tried dxm it was while I was in active dph addiction and it was my favorite drug, I fucking loved that shit. But now that I'm nearing 2 years sobriety from dph, and I did dxm again, its... not great. I felt gross and uncomfortable and I don't like not being able to control my body well

#like. i did dph bc it was the only drug i could regularly get my hands on bc it was easy to steal from walmart #so its kinda all i knew. so when i got thr objectivly better dxm i was like “oh this shit rocks” but now that i smoke weed regularly and #dont take delieriants every night. it wasnt fun. #i wanna try 2nd plat bc im wondering if i just went too far. but if thats bad too im gonna give my bfs mom the rest of my pills LOL #ik she likes dxm weve talked about it before #ratt squeaks