#like i said. these things do not mean anything irt my gender. they are just part of me

[eirian]

yall ready for a gender journey post..

so yall could probably guess i grew up a cis girl. i didnt start questioning my gender until high school after i broke up with my first boyfriend which kind of freed me up to explore my identity as my own person for the first time. around age like 16 was when i first started identifying as trans, and at the time that meant a binary trans guy

after a couple years of getting comfortable exploring my gender i decided hey maybe im actually not a binary trans guy but instead nonbinary. still transmasc and guy leaning but not quite all the way anymore. this became a trend for the next loooong while, getting closer to the androgynous part of the spectrum as time went on

then in recent years (maybe about 5 years ago ish) i started to lean more towards femininity. this is significant for me because growing up i was always opposed to it--i hated wearing dresses, i hated putting on makeup, anything "girly" appalled me and i didnt know why. i ended up thinking its because i WASNT a girl, and thats why i was so uncomfortable with everything to do with being a girl. i rejected it so hard because it just wasnt me.

after living with eden for a while i got even more comfortable exploring the feminine part of myself. i started wearing dresses and skirts and actually ENJOYED it; i started painting my nails and wearing earrings again; i even grew my hair out to my shoulderblades (yeah thats where its at now LOL). ive even started using she/her alongside they/them. and im actually enjoying these things??? it feels like after all these years im finally able to reclaim them because i feel like im finally able to be comfortable with my gender--how my gender feels to ME, not to everyone else.

that was the problem when i was growing up--i was trapped in everyone else's perception of my gender and what it "should" be. i was trapped into a box that was made by everyone else's idea of what i SHOULD look like, what i SHOULD wear, what i SHOULD act like, etc. and it took me until age 26 to fully realize that my gender is what i want it to be, not what everyone else wants.

i dont have to be a guy to want facial hair and a flat chest and a low voice. loving pink and dresses and cute things and makeup and jewelry doesnt inherently mean im a girl. pronouns, features, clothes, even names dont inherently mean youre one gender or another. your gender is defined by you and only you and nobody should be able to put you into a box and define your gender for you.

..having said all this, im starting to explore my gender further, and im slowly coming to the POSSIBLE conclusion that i might come back around to being cis (albeit gnc). nothing would really change about me except the label tbh. if i do end up coming to that conclusion i will be very bummed about leaving the trans community, but i wont feel any less attached to it, as ive spent literally half my life as part of it. i understand what its like to be trans and to love myself as my most authentic self, and thats why im considering this possiblity!

identifying as a lesbian kind of pushed me in this direction as well--i cant remember the last time i felt truly comfortable and happy with a label regarding my orientation.. like ya damn. maybe i am a girl who likes girls LOL. it just feels right and natural for me personally??? its crazy. i love women. if youre a woman i love you no matter the flavor. i love my wife more than all of you though sorry <3

but god please dont take this as me being like "oh trans people just need to get comfortable with their gender and theyll realize theyre cis" that is a bullshit take and i am not saying that. this is strictly my own experience and journey! i am 100% not speaking for every trans person and you shouldnt either.

but ya. dan cis era???? we'll see. no official statement just yet but i just wanted to let yall know where im at in my ~gender journey~. until i confirm anything please still view me as a nonbinary girlthing! <3

#i have to reiterate i am KEEPING the name dan saiyan. and my facial hair and deep voice #like i said. these things do not mean anything irt my gender. they are just part of me #if i say im a cis woman and i have facial hair and the name dan then thats what cis looks like for me <3 #i honestly feel free as hell. im defining my gender for myself now and its the most powerful feeling in the world

[gardenstateofmind]

most of the time im fully neutral, i dont feel a connection to masculinity or femininity. my dysphoria is specifically wanting to be androgynous, so i want to get rid female characteristics, but i dont want to acquire male characteristics in their place

now i am masc aligned, so sometimes i actually Do want those male characteristics, and my dysphoria does make me want to pursue physically transitioning

but then. the experiences of being a girl have really shaped me, and it’s all i know about existing in society. even if it’s not who i am, those experiences are a part of me. so in some ways i do identify with being a girl, and feel some attachment to it.

so when it comes to transitioning it’s a difficult thing to figure out. a friend and i were talking about our plans irt transitioning, and he said his family were all really critical of him starting hrt, and were like but what if you do it and then regret it, what if it doesnt make the negative feelings go away, and he said “and yeah they might be right, i might transition and realize that i still feel shitty. but the thing is, id rather be uncomfortable in a male body than a female body” and i was like holy shit that’s exactly it for me but in the other way. like yeah testosterone might alleviate my dysphoria, it could make me actually feel like my body is Mine. but it also might not, and ultimately, id rather be uncomfortable in a female body than a male one. so im not planning on physically transitioning

that only applies to my physical dysphoria though which is a super personal thing that only has to do with my own feelings. for my social dysphoria, being read as a girl and being treated like one makes me miserable a lot of the time. at best, it’s irritating and makes me feel like im living a lie. at worst it makes so upset i get physically ill. im nonbinary, i want to be seen as nonbinary, i want to be respected as nonbinary, and i want to be thought as inherently nonbinary. but that’s unrealistic for society at large, like my loved ones might make the effort of trying to understand nonbinary genders, and in the queer community i’ll be seen that way, but in daily life, it’s just not gonna happen in my lifetime. so if i Have to be read as a binary gender, id rather be read as a guy. maybe it’s bc at least then i dont feel im being forced into my designated gender so it doesnt have all the associations of pain that being treated like a girl does. maybe it’s bc im masc aligned, i identify a lot with being a guy, so if i have to pick a side, i’ll go with the one im more of. idk maybe it’s both and every day i have a different reason behind it. but ultimately i want to appear more masculine, so even if i dont look like a cis guy, it’s obvious enough that im not just a butch girl, but trying to actually be a guy, and will get treated like one. like i actually prefer it that people know im trans, so being read as a trans guy is totally cool with me, not entirely accurate, but more close to the truth than anything else. so yeah i want to superficially transition, as in like appearance changes to make me look masculine. which i actually have been really androgynous dressing most of my life but being curvy and having a doll face means that neutral clothes still look pretty feminine on me. lately ive worn more “men’s” clothes, which the cut of them honestly does make a big difference, and also wearing looser clothes so i dont look curvy. now i just look all over fat which i have a little bit of internalized fat shaming to get past but overall im fine with it. so i do look masculine as of late, but im still so clearly dfab that people think im a butch lesbian. so im trying to take it a little further, i want to get a binder, not wear any form fitting and/or feminine cut clothes, just really make it obvious that im trying to look like a boy

what i think is my biggest problem though is my demeanor. im really good at socializing, and part of that is being friendly, non threatening, and warm. but those are generally coded as feminine traits. and i act them out in a Really feminine way. it’s just a more likable image to present. a high pitched voice, happy and warm tone, affectionate language, making myself small, demure, child like. it means people more easily trust me, are more endeared to me, and just get the general impression that im a sweetheart. and i actually really like that. i like being a safe and comforting presence. i like that im approachable. so i dont really want to change that. but those mannerisms label me clear as day “girl” 

and part of me does want to have more masculine mannerisms, but masculinity can be dangerous, cold, violent, unhelpful. maybe cis men don’t percieve it that way, but anyone who has experience with womanhood does. the nicest guy will always be more threatening to me than a hostile woman. and logically i know better, but at this point, after it being drilled into me all my life “men are dangerous, men will hurt you if given the chance, you cant ever trust a strange man no matter how nice they seem” my gut reaction is always gonna be wariness around men. and i know the same is true for cis women, trans women, dfab people who are read as women. so those feminine traits are gonna be a lot more approachable for everyone. it's just a struggle

#personal #fuck fuck fuck i wrote a super long post on mobile #and ofc the app is glitching and im gonna be so pissed if i lost everything i wrote #i didnt expect to write this much so i didnt think to use my computer #and then once i got started i just kept going on mobile instead of switching over #so im gonna post what i have rn and hope it's all there ;-; #UPDATE: IT POSTED CORRECTLY GOD BLESS #about me #this is a decently comprehensive explanation of my gender feels so i want it in my about me tag