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reesebird · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/02/03/aunt-is-letting-my-grandmother-suffer-but-my-dad-and-other-aunt-who-have-tried-to-stop-have-become-apathetic-warning-long/

Aunt is letting my grandmother suffer but my dad and other aunt who have tried to stop have become apathetic. Warning: Long

Okay, so this is going to be kinda long and very venty. Also, I don’t know even know if this is even the best place for this post but no other subreddit seemed appropriate so sorry in advance if this isn’t the best sub for this.

Let me preface this story with a description of the main characters as well as facts you may find pertinent. Our main cast is as follows:

OP: Me!!! I am the 20 something graduate student who serves as mostly as a silent protagonist (at least up until the recent events we will get to – stay tuned! )

My Grandmother (GM) : The victim of the saga. She practically half-raised me for the first half of my life as my mom spent long hours finishing her graduate degree and my dad’s work required him to travel a lot. As a result, an open secret of the family is that I am her favorite. Virtually any family member will inform of you of this. I love her to the moon and back.

My Dad: The initially outspoken yet eventually aggressively-apathetic protagonist of the saga. He cares about GM but the drama that ensues with the main antagonist has pushed him to feel as if there is nothing he can do about it.

The Antagonist Aunt: Our antagonist. She has the legal power of attorney for GM. As a result of recent events concerning GM, I have come to despise her and refer to her in conversation only as Aunt Bitch (AB) in the story. Truth be told, she likely meant well at the beginning. And she still might (at least in her mind). Whatever the case, whether due to selfishness or delusion, she is basically letting GM suffer rather than let the family bring in Hospice/the equivalent of Hospice to let her go where she needs to go.

The Other Aunt (OA) : She knows my dad is right. But this Aunt basically says whatever she has to say in order to appease the person she is talking to. I.e., when talking with my dad she will agree AB is indeed a bitch. When talking with AB, she will throw dad under the bus and say he is an asshole and in the wrong.

My mom: My poor mother, who has enough stress in her life. She loves her mother in law dearly and knows the treatment AB is allowing to be given is torture. She has become particularly upset with dad’s increasingly apathetic and hopeless attitude towards convincing AB that she is in the wrong.

And that is our main cast. There are other characters but we will introduce them as we go along. So, if you have read this far, without further ado, let’s get to the story. I will summarize past events as quickly as possible.

About 5 years ago, it became clear to everyone that GM needed to move into an assisted living facility. This was especially clear to me and my parents. Indeed, GM lived across the street from us so we had near daily interaction with her. GM was very obviously not eating well. The only she did were rancid salads and hotdogs (which AB purchased for her – at the time AB would grocery shop for her every week). So my parents started either just having her eat at our house or just brought her food. She would wolf down any such food – which of course she did; GM was probably starving! In addition to this, GM started to do a lot of strange things (very characteristic of a person with the beginning stages of Demnita and/or alheimzers – which to this day AB has refused to let her be diagnosed with)

Now, I actually lied when I said it was apparent to everyone that GM needed to move into an assisted living home. You see, according to AB “Oh, she’s always ate little. And she’s always ate hotdogs and salads.” In two words, “she’s fine.” Take note of these two words. They will be uttered many times. Throughout all of this, my dad and OA mostly tried to handle AB (who remember is the one with the legal power of attorney and has the final say in what happens). In other words, I kept my mouth shut.

Fast forward roughly six months later. Somehow the family decides it will be a good idea to have GM go live with OA for a while. However, it did take quite a bit of fighting with AB to convince her that this would be a good thing. OA lives a few hours away in a completely different state. While there GM got much needed nutrition (at least we think good enough of OA to think this).

For a while, it was a good thing. However, while with OA, GM had a surgery (nothing too major or scary). A few days following this, while with OA, GM freaked the fuck out. Like literally freaked the fuck out. I am not going to go into explicit details. She was never the same after this. After this event, the signs of dementia were screaming out loud. Of course, AB refused to let her be diagnosed with it. Indeed, she would snap at anyone who suggested it and also – according to my dad – snapped at the family doctor when he tried to suggest it.

This feels like an appropriate place to take an intermission to interject the following: compassion is important. Up to this point I have portrayed AB in a very negative light. This is by design. But make no mistake. I can understand why – at least I think I can understand why. For one thing, we’re talking about AB’s mother. Who she does love dearly. Furthermore, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say AB might be afraid of what her future holds based on what happens to her mother. That is, in her mind she may have the following thought process: If GM is never diagnosed with dementia, then I can never be diagnosed with dementia). Do note I am well aware of the absurdity of this thought process. Finally, as AB has the legal power of attorney, AB likely feels as if she has a great weight on her shoulder – that every decision she makes will be scrutinized. You might contend that this is true l. But even up to this point my dad and OA had made it clear to AB that they don’t want her to feel like that. All they want is for AB to include them and consult them on decision making (which she had not – and still does not). In contrast, she does stuff on her own and then often reports her decisions – much to the disappointment of dad and OA.

So, GM is brought back to her home state. At this point it is even clear to AB that GM cannot go on living on her own. Now mind you, a year prior she should not have been living on her own. But as stated above, AB just straight up ignored everyone’s thoughts. Even so, GM finally gets moved into assisted living.

At this point in this very unfortunate and sad saga, decisions regarding GM’s health did not come up as much – and those that did were minor. Rather, the decisions that came to impasses due to AB’s behavior regarding things concerning the future. I will only detail one major one. You see, when we moved GM into assisted living it was quite clear she would never live by herself again. Quite sad. But assisted living is where she needed to be. So bittersweet. Now, most families might begin talks to discuss what to do with GM’S home and assets. However, if you brought this up to AB she would snap right back at you and say something along the lines of “You’re just trying to hurry her up to the grave! This is only temporary!” And why did AB say things like this? Well, in her words, “She’s fine.” Oh GM was fine alright. You know. Aside from having to use a walker, needing help bathing and going to the bathroom, not being able to cook, having trouble remembering to take her medicine, calling us in the middle of the night sometimes freaked out because she had forgotten where she was, etc.” Oh yes. She was indeed, fine, I guess you could say. Long story short, GM was in assisted living for two full years before AB finally relented to putting GM’s house on the market. Of course, mortgage payments as well as various expenses for standard home maintence had to be spent during these two years. What a shame this money could not have been put to better use. Throughout all of this up to this point, I – of course – kept my mouth mostly shut – especially in the presence of AB who I carefully walked on eggshells around.

Before going further, as you might suppose, dad and OA were really starting to have it with AB. Any important decision that needed to be made, AB just kept putting off due to her defense that “She’s fine.” Well, fine as long as you consult AB. Consult anyone else – including any decent medial doctor, she was very much NOT fine. While my dad did have some choice words with AB from time to time, nothing too dramatic occurred as dad (along with OA) felt as if the “nice, compassionate” method would be the best to sway AB.

Our story now takes a dire turn. Recall this approximately two years into GM living in assisted living. Days after visiting GM in assisted living I am now back at college preparing a presentation for a paper of mine accepted to a conference. Day of the trip to the conference I receive a call from my mom. GM: the assisted living people had found her virtually non responsive and had her sent to the hospital. Well actually, to be correct, my parents had been informed that GM had this “episode” TWO DAYS AFTER THE FACT. Oh yeah. Recall, AB has the legal power of attorney. As a result, she is the person contacted in such an incident. And despite everything up to this point, OA and dad still “trusted” AB to an extent to where I suppose they assumed AB would immediately contact them in such a situation. You can rest assured dad and OA were pissed over this. Following GM’s stay in the hospital, she would be sent to a nursing home. She would never return to assisted living. Moreover, this began a revolving door between the hospital and nursing home.

For the first 3 months at the nursing home, GM was as “fine” as could be expected. That is, she was certainly NOT fine. But it’s not like she was in severe pain or suffering. Furthermore, she could feed herself – to an extent. Make no mistake, she needed help here and there. Even so, she was mostly bed-ridden; unable to walk or transport herself.

After about 3 months or so, GM has another “episode” (AB’s term not mine). AB did contact dad and OA about this one immediately. Still though, in regards to medical details, we never got any from AB. And by this point, dad and OA were so fed up their anger had turned to apathy and did not press doctors for information. This angered my mom, who tried to find stuff out on her own. But she couldn’t – because she was not considered immediate family. So, she asked AB for details. AB simply told her “She’s fine.” Oh, and lest I forgot she also tacked a new favorite phrase: “Her vitals are good.” In case you were wondering, I still stayed silent. Don’t worry though. We’re gonna hear me speak soon enough.

A few more “episodes” like this left GM worse and worse. Memory getting worse and worse to the point where she eventually didn’t know anyone. About a year and a half ago GM became 100% unresponsive. No talking. No eating. No walking. Completely bed ridden with a blank stare (she doesn’t track any movement at all). Well, at least according to most everyone. AB of course disputes this and says she talks all the time and watches TV. “She’s fine. Her vitals are good.” I’ll just tell you up front that this is bullshit.

Now, when GM stopped eating the nursing home gave her a feeding tube. Completely normal. We all agreed – including AB – that this would be temporary. If she didn’t get better, in a few months the family would begin discussions to “pull the plug.” Doctors and the nursing home people agreed this was the best course of action.

Pop quiz: Do you think GM got any better? Answer: No! In fact, she only got worse and worse!

Pop Quiz: Do you think AB kept her word to begin discussions of pulling the plug? Answer: Of course not!

So, for about 9 months GM progressively suffered more and more. You might note that according to what doctors have told us that feeding tubes are typically only used for 6 months to a year. Any longer than that is clearly life support.

Just a few months shy of a year of having the feeding tube in, the feeding tube came out due to clogging. GM was sent to the hospital to have it put back in. This happened two more times. The fourth time dad and OA made AB agree that if it came out again that we would NOT have it put back in.

Pop Quiz: When the feeding tube inevitably came out again, do you think AB kept her promise!? Answer: NOPE!

My dad was livid upon finding out (AB kept him in the dark for a few days when it came out again). This begun a near year long standoff between my dad and AB. They did not speak to each other for nearly a year – the silence being broken about a week ago due to events we will get to.

During this standoff, dad and AB primarily communicated to each other via OA. My mom became progressively disillusioned with my dad due to all this. My dad just appeared to stop caring. According to him “what could he do – he had tried everything and had got nowhere.” Save for layering up (which my family just doesn’t have the funds for), my dad and OA had indeed tried quite a bit over the years. And my dad had just given up.

At one point during this standoff my grandmother was sent to the hospital yet again. My dad was not informed of this until a week later. His head went through the roof. Yet, he refused to do anything. He was content with aggressive apathy.

Let us now enter the present. About a week ago, my grandmother went into the hospital again. However this time, things looked bad. So bad in fact that AB ended the standoff and informed my dad. So we all visited her. This really looked like the end. Now, mind you as a result of all this we have thought it was the end about 3 different times. And to be honest, things would have been for the best if the first time would have been the end. In a sense, AB has stolen our ability to mourn normally. Even so, this time did look particularly bad.

Well, as might have been implied by now, for whatever reason GM’s body is one hell of a fighter. Despite the fact that she is basically a corpse, as AB says “her vitals are good” and indeed, they just flat out refuse to go out without a fight.

So GM now lies in a hospital bed yet again. Suffering profusely yet again. While everyone in the family wants the suffering to end, AB refuses.

A final interjection: years ago, in the living room of the house I grew up with when GM was in good health, GM made my dad promise that he would never let her suffer and lie like a corpse in a nursing room. She also requested the same promise from me. Part of what has pained my dad through all of this is that he feels as if he has broken this promise. And I feel like I have as well.

Now we get to the real drama. If you have read up to this point then I thank you. Your reward is the following drama. Though please note I take no pleasure in any of it. At the end of the day, I just want what’s best for my grandmother.

So, yesterday my mom calls the hospital and just happened got to speak to the right person. They informed her the doctor overseeing her care at the hospital had requested a meeting with AB and family members. Had my mom not made this call, we would have never known about this meeting. You are goddamn right all of us had our asses there (well save for OA – remember she lives in another state).

When we walked into the hospital room and AB saw us there she nearly fucking shat herself. Now, up to this point, I had stayed silent. No longer. While waiting for the doctor to get there, it was quite clear there was tension in the room. Yet, everyone was going to be content – including mom and dad – to ig ore the elephant in the room.

I however, had had enough. So I let AB fucking have it. I immediately started in by telling her that she had spent the past two years trying to deceive all of us. I let her know that GM is in fact NOT FINE. I let her know GM would be horrified if she could she herself like this. I let her know she had put off the wishes of dad and OA.

AB immediately went on the defnisve. First trying to make some argument about how I “should watch myself boy.” I quickly reminded her that I am in fact a 20 something year old male and that this is my grandmother we’re talking about and that I have a dog in this race just as much as everyone else.

Aside: My parents knew I was pissed up to this point with AB, but they had NO IDEA I was going to unleash all this truth.

AB then tried to defend herself by saying she had been the one going to the nursing home most days doing everything. I quickly snapped back and let her know that this was solely because she outright refused for anyone else to have any input.

At this point my mom jumped in, reminding AB that I was GM’S favorite and that I do have a right to get involved. Then my dad jumped in and started elaborating on my points. It was as if me speaking the truth made dad and mom feel free to speak their truths as well.

I Continued to list out every single lie we were aware of AB making. AB proceeded to make an excuse for everything. She then started telling it was wrong of us to talk about this in front of GM to which my dad exploded “BULLSHIT AB GM HASN’T BEEN RESPONSIVE FOR TWO YEARS.” Indeed, GM just layed there lifelesslly in the hospital bed with a blank stare. As a nurse put it, it’s like the lights are on but nobody’s home. I finished up by letting AB know how upsetting all her ” she’s fine” and “her vitals are good” were to everyone.

Then the doctor came in. Now, the reason the doctor had called this meeting was primarily to convince AB that Hospice is the only correct path forward. My dad made a point to ask the doctor “is there any chance GM will ever get any better.” The doctor replied that while they normally try to be optimistic, that “no. We have tried everything, sent GM to every specialist possible, and yet GM only gets worse and worse.” AB tried to dispute this. The doctor then started listing things off. Two of these things were of particular note:

First, the doctor noted that TWO YEARS ago GM showed severe signs of brain atrophy (in basic terms, her brain is basically shrinking). NO ONE IN THE FAMILY HAD EVER BEEN INFORMED OF This. Moreover, AB, the person with the power of attorney swears she never knew this. As my dad put it to her last night: bullshit.

Second, GM had apparently showed signs of bleeding in the GI Tract. This is of significance because a few days ago the hospital had taken out her feeding tube as it appeared dirty with blood. So they were going to do some tests. A day or two later, we ask AB about the test and she says “oh no. There was no bleeding. It just turned out to be dirty.” SO BASICALLY AB WAS CAUGHT RIGHT IN A FUCKING LIE.

The night’s events ended with AB agreeing to consult with Hospice about finally bringing in Hospice. The Hospice people were to call her the next day (I.e., today). Furthermore, my dad made it clear he wanted to be involved on the call.

Pop Quiz When the Hospice people called AB today, do you think she contacted my dad to get him on the line? Answer: NOPE!

Now, upon hearing this a few hours ago I absolutely blew the fuck up. I asked dad if he bitched AB out. He basically said no. That he had once again given up. AB gonna do what AB gonna do. My response: Bullshit. This shit is going to end.

So I called AB myself. My mom witnessed the phone conversation. I Immediately called AB out on going against my dad. This set off a nerve apparently. She proceeded to scream (I mean literally scream at the top of her lungs) at me over the phone. Some of the things she screamed:

“NOW YOU BETTER GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF BOY!” (note the derogatory “boy” implying that I am basically a kid and have no say in the situation)

“I’M TIRED OF HEARING ALL THIS SHIT FROM YOU ALL”

“LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW BOY”

As my mom can attest, I may have raised my voice here and there throughout this phone. But I stayed as calm as humanly possible. In contrast to AB, I did not utter a single curse word. The same can not be said of her (note the “shit” in the second example above).

Even so, I really let into her I. This conversation. I quickly brought up the brain atrophy and the bleeding in the GI Tract. Regarding the former she “swears she never knew.” To which I replied that “I don’t believe it and if it is true then that just underscores how unfortunate it is that she has the power of attorney.” Regarding the latter, she says the doctor had told her there was no bleeding. So I asked her point blank: “so are the doctors telling you and dad different things? Because that what it seems like.”

This went on and on. Meanwhile I regularly interjected that it pained me to even make this phone call – that GN wouldn’t want this. Even so, GM is the most important person in the whole situation. I went on to note to her that she should feel singled out as I am equally fed up with dad’s and OA’s apathy. That said, I let her know that everything I was saying was what everyone thought – it’s just that I for whatever reason am the only one with the Gaul to call her out on her lies.

The call ended with me telling her “Well I guess I’ll see you in another 6 months to a year when we’re back in the hospital yet again due to your mishandling of all this.”

And so, this brings us to the end of this saga so far. My GM still suffers. The family is being torn apart. In all likelihood, AB will ignore everyone’s wishes yet again. And worst of all, I have broken a promise to GM. And for this, I will never forgive AB for this.

Tbh I don’t know why I posted this. I’m not necessarily looking for advice or anything. I will say putting all this in words has been cathartic. To anyone who read all this, thanks. Or sorry. Idk. This whole fucking situation sucks. Moreover, there is no winner in any of this. The only thing that matters is GM and this whole situation has been nothing but torture for her I know. Even if AB started cooperating tomorrow, that doesn’t change the fact that GM has been made to suffer for two long years.

Well wait. Why end the story there. Minutes ago my dad received a call from AB. She just wanted him to know that the hospital had to take out the feeding yet again. Even so, “she’s fine and her vitals are good.”

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