#like. i did not fucking need anything else rn i was happyish!!!

[izzy-b-hands]

maybe I'll just walk down to the river and have a good long scream. i wont, bc it's still dangerously cold out, but maybe if i imagine it that's close enough

#text post #im tired and i want to actually have fun today or at least not think abt my *** ** **** ******* ***** #which i don't really want either i think i just. want things out of my control currently to be different #and the family shit has left me feeling even worse abt them and how they think of me #and my therapist's receptionist suddenly made clear out of the blue they want to wean me off talk therapy #which like i know she's going part time but im only wanting an appt a month or even every other rn #and im still fucking pissed at the fnp bc she's icing me out which is real fucking grown up #like. i did not fucking need anything else rn i was happyish!!! #not even a few days and weeks ago at least for a few hours at a time!!! #and one day goes no actually fuck u dumbass and godspeed and leaves me here trying to figure out #what the fuck i do and where i go from here #and mum will be by after her first day back at work after the hols and that's always a fucking production #in which she monologues to me abt how she's forever a victim and i pat her shoulder and dry her eyes and reassure her she's loved #no matter what bc despite it all she is!! by me a lot!!! #but that said shit like that is what has me so intertwined and understanding of izzy like #it's exhausting when the beams of your own house are rotting but you're spending most of your time #trying to hold up someone u love and depend on quite a fucking bit #and their beams seem to be in much better condition but that doesn't matter bc they still need upkeep #and if she won't do it and others won't do it for themselves then i will bc at least then i feel useful #and after ill do a bitchy lil vent post like this as usual and then pretend i don't mind bc what else can i do #except keep going forward when it's made v clear my life is not currently wholly my own to decide what i do with it #especially if those wants don't benefit ppl close to me #im so fucking tired again yall