#maree ff outtakes

[maree-ff]

Meeting Baby Maree

ANDRE

Now that the baby is home, Camila wants to get settled in before the girls come back to the house. I opted to go pick them up from my brothers house but Camila didn’t want to be alone. So to honor her wish I called my brother to have him bring the girls home. Jorden is sleeping, Camila is finally taking a shower and I am cleaning and sanitizing our home. Although it’ll be awhile before our baby boy can get his hands into anything I feel like he should be in a super clean environment. Especially with his immune system being so vulnerable I want to take precaution in keeping him healthy.

Throwing the linen into the dryer I put the towels in the washing machine, getting that load started. I ran through the front of the house and replaced the wall plug-ins to a much lighter scent than we had before. I checked my phone realizing the girls will be home in about thirty minutes. I cleaned up their bedroom, bathroom, the nursery and landed back in our bedroom. Camila walked out of the bathroom bringing a heavy trail of steam with her.

“You feel better now?” I quizzed, making our bed up.

“Do I? I feel like a brand new woman. My hair is clean, my skin feels so supple, and my mouth doesn’t feel dry anymore. It kind of hurts to walk though and the stitches aren’t helping.” She explained. Cam threw on a comfortable outfit and took a seat beside the baby's bassinet. “He’s so cute, babe. His entire face is just precious. I still can’t believe he was inside of my belly yesterday and now he’s laying right next to me.”

Peeking over my shoulder at Camila face deep in Jorden’s personal bubble I smirked. I then walked around to her side of the bed to fit the sheet over this side of our mattress. “Yeah it’s crazy. I thought he’d never come. Maybe he’ll be stubborn just like you.” I teased her.

She scoffed and blew me off in denial that she’s not the most stubborn member of our household. Kenja comes second and Zoe is third. “I plead the fifth on that. When are the girls coming home? I’m really anxious to see how they react to their baby brother being here in the flesh.”

“They should be here soon. You wanna go in the living room or get back into bed? Which do you feel most comfortable with?” I opened the floor so Camila understood she has a choice and I want to do whatever makes her feel good.

She chose the family room so once our bedroom was put back together, we transitioned there. I put on a movie for the girls and helped Cam get situated with the baby. About ten minutes later and the girls were knocking at the door. I met their beautiful faces craving some affection from them both.

“I missed you girls so much. How was your night with your uncle?” Taking their backpacks from them I listened to their recap of their sleepover with their cousin. “You guys ready to see your baby brother?”

“Yeah, where is he?” The girls looked around spotting Camila on the couch. They walked over showering their mama in so much love.

“Hi girls, give mommy love, I missed you..” Camila is glowing right now surrounded by the kids. Our family is complete and our new chapter has begun.

“Hi mama, I miss you too.” Zoe and Kenja both were huddled around Camila and the baby trying to get as close as possible.

“How was it last night?” My brother asked, closing the door behind him.

Sighing I picked up my hat, running my hand over my hair. “It was a crazy night man. The whole birthing experience was beyond beautiful and emotional. I mean..last night was everything I could have asked for. She did so well, the team was incredibly helpful and it was just a memory for the books. For sure.” I smiled.

“That’s good. I’m happy everything went so well. Y’all get any sleep? You look tired..” He refuted.

“We slept for a little while. He finally came at 11:15pm and we made it home by 1:30 this morning. I was up first at like seven I think and she woke up not too long after I did. I’ve been cleaning up, reorganizing and just trying to help get settled in. I don’t want her to overexhault herself so I’m picking the slack so she can start her recovery.” My brother and the girls washed his hands and got comfortable on the couch opposite Cam and the baby.

“What is this, mom?” Zoe’s interest and examination of her newborn brother shifted from his full head of hair down to his umbilical cord. Cam and I got our laughs out this morning just imagining the girl’s reactions to mama’s lotus birth. She used the very tips of her fingers, delicately fanning over his umbilical cord. We can all sense that she didn’t want to be too rough and we silently praised her for it.

“This is called an umbilical cord. All babies are born with this and a lot of parents cut this as soon as possible.” Cam started.

“But why do you not cut his cord?” Kenja chimed in.

“Daddy and I decided we would let it fall off naturally. So we have this..” Camila opened the bag housing her placenta to show the girls what’s inside. “This is called the placenta. My body created this to provide your brother with nutrients kind of like food for you girls. So everyday this gets cleaned and treated to keep it fresh.”

“It looks scary mom.” My brother and I got a huge kick out of Zoe’s frowned up face. She looked up at me looking like she was about to cry.

“It’s okay honey, it’s not hurting him and you have nothing to be afraid of okay? A placenta is an organ just like your heart, lungs and brain. The umbilical cord will fall off in about nine days.” Camila closed up the cord’s bag and kept it in her lap so Zoe didn’t freak out over it.

“Mommy, he’s so cute. He looks like daddy.” Kenja changed the subject, taking her sister's mind off all things umbilical cord and placenta. She too studied Jorden closely, showering him in so much love.

“I know, that’s exactly what I told daddy last night. Hold him right here baby..” Camila coached Zoe on where to support the baby with her arms and legs. We agreed to let the girl’s hold Jorden together for the first initial greet. Eventually we will allow them to hold him individually. This way neither of the girls get jealous and start picking with each other.

“Are you okay mom?” Zoe looked up at Cam.

“Of course I am. I’ve been waiting for you guys to meet your baby brother all night. Do you see this? This is a birthmark just like the one you have on your hand. You guys are matching.” Camila showed Zoe the identical birthmarks which she found to be so fascinating.

“What’s baby brother's name?” Kenja and Zoe asked at once.

“His name is Jorden. Jorden Ali Bailey-Maree.” I cut in. Camila leaned back against the couch with her legs curled under her thighs.

“Why does he have two last names? I want two too.” Zoe cried.

“Well mommy and I agreed that your baby brother would take her last name over mine. Why do you want two last names?” Throwing my arm over the back of the couch I propped one foot up on the coffee table.

“I want to be like my brother. Please daddy, please can I have two last names?” She begged one a whisper. She realized she was getting too loud so she corrected herself.

“We’ll talk about it. For now we want you to welcome your little brother home, talk to him, and read that book you chose.” The five of us centered our attention and conversation around yesterday. The girls have so many questions about what birth is like, how their brother was made, all that. Their personalities are an even combination of not asking too many questions but still expressing their opinions and intrigue in the world.

My brother got some time in one on one with the baby. My mom is surprisingly feeling overwhelmed so she won’t be able to come over today but she promised to visit real soon. To make up for that she called to FaceTime with us so she could at least see the kids and check in on Camila. After my brother headed back home, Cam thought it would be a good idea to get the girls used to helping her with the baby. She and I made it clear to the girls prior to Jorden being born that we want them to help out.

Even though they’re still really young, their baby brother is equally as important to this family as they are. We want the girls to assume responsibility for their little brother. We want the girls to be prepared for any event if Camila or I aren’t around. Truth be told, Zoe and Kenja are second in command to make sure they’re brother is healthy and safe. They may not be able to care for him to the extent that we can as his parents but we want the girls to be comfortable around a newborn. For now we have to teach them to be gentle and loving.

As a start Camila and I covered the basics of feeding and changing. That transitioned into what to do when Jorden is upset and what his cries could potentially mean. As time goes on and Jorden’s personality evolves with his growth, we’ll be able to guide the girl’s better on how to appease him when he’s upset.

“What if he doesn’t stop crying?” Kenja is full blown, face first into watching Camila prepare as many bottles as she can. Zoe is folding all of Jorden’s bath towels and his new clothes that Victor sent us home with last night.

Struggling to get comfortable Camila fanned herself, watching bottle number one reach the amount she desired. “It just depends on how he reacts to how you comfort him, if he takes the bottle you offer and of course if he has a clean diaper or not.”

“Mom, why do you do that if you have milk in here?” Zoe paused her folding, turning to her right pointing to her moms left breast. I laughed my ass off while swaying from side to side to keep Jo at ease.

“Be quiet.” Camila warned me.

“I’m sorry baby, I’m enjoying the questions. We knew this was coming.” I affirmed.

Taking a second to detach the first bottle from the cord, Camila hooked up the next one, starting the pumping process over again. She placed the cap on the bottle, submerging it in a tub of water. “Because I want everyone to bond with your brother when he needs to be fed. If he’s with your tío and titi Jess, abuelita or papas house or even if he’s here at home with you girls and daddy, I want you all to experience those moments with him. It wouldn’t be fair for me to keep him all to myself.”

I’m thrilled to see how the girls will settle in with their little brother as time goes on. The growth of our family and the flip in dynamic will be fascinating to watch unfold.

#maree ff outtakes #mareeff

[maree-ff]

Interlude: Saying Goodbye

ANDRE

Today is the day of the funeral and I’m nervous as hell! My palms have been sweaty ever since I woke up this morning and I feel that my nerves have peaked at an all time high. It's been years since I've attended a funeral, I'm not sure if I’m in the right mindset to function properly today. Camila and her father both agreed to a closed casket ceremony for their own personal reasons. Victor had his time at Emilina’s house to rake through the belongings he is having shipped to his house. Aside from his brief conversation with me, Victor has kept to himself pretty much.

The girls have too been very quiet today. This I know is due to the fact that they’re still trying to process the loss of their grandmother. I offered to get them dressed in order to grant Camila some alone time. After all, us getting ready is the last time, until tonight, that we have some quiet time. Once the girls were dressed and Camila got their hair done, all they wanted to do was lay around and watch movies. Standing up on my feet I picked up my tie from off of the ironing board to secure it around my neck.

“Andre, your tie should be good to go now.” Camila announced with perfect timing.

Finding her interjection funny, I made the knot snug just how I like it. “I got it thank you baby, thank you.” I called out to her. Running my palm over this beautiful and sentimental, black velvet tie I studied myself in the mirror.

“You look so nice, daddy.” Zoe complimented from behind me. Smiling at her through the glass I returned the kind gesture and extended my compliments to Kenja as well.

Peeking at my watch I began to panic as we only have a short window of time left before we have to get going. On cue, Camila emerged from the bathroom in a crisp white, two piece pant suit set. Wearing her favorite heels and jewelry pieces her mother has gifted her throughout the years. I admire Camila’s strength and resilience so much. Despite having to battle her own demons in the midst of preparing for this spur of the moment celebration of her mother’s life, she doesn’t look the part. She’s exuding power and grace, two characteristics she adopted from her mother.

“Mommy, wow..” Kenja gasped.

Zoe scurried to her mom’s side, drinking in the small details of her outfit. “Mom, why are you wearing white and not black? I thought we were supposed to match.” Zoe inquired, pulling down Camila’s blazer in the front and rushing around to the back to do the same.

“I’m wearing white because your nana asked me to do so a very long time ago. How do I look?

“So beautiful.” Zoe smiled.

“Yeah mommy you look very pretty today.” Kenny added in.

“Andre, what do you think? Is it too much?” She presumed.

“Not at all. You always clean up in such a way that amazes me each time. No one would ever think you’re dealing with such heavy burdens. You look incredible.” I assured her.

For the first time since we’ve been here, Camila graced us with a smile that brightened up the entire room. “Thank you.” She murmured, standing on her toes to kiss me. With my cheeks nestled in her hands she looked into my eyes, in silence.

“What is it?” I quizzed, clutching her shoulders.

She nodded firmly. “Nothing. I just needed a second to breathe and do nothing else.” She kissed me tenderly, backing away so we could get a move on it. Victor met us in the hallway, holding the girl’s hands as we headed down to the lobby. Our ride to the church was so brief I didn’t even get the chance to give myself a pep talk prior to this ceremony.

While Victor was speaking with our driver, I helped the girls out of the car. We finally make it inside the church only for Zoe to start freaking out. Intervening in Zoe’s slight outburst I carried her the remaining walk inside the church. Not only do I have to be a shoulder to cry on for my family but I also have to keep the girls in check. Camila is nearing the end of this pregnancy and I don’t want her to exhaust herself trying to discipline the girls with everything going on today.

Each of us filed in to the first row, getting settled while fighting to ignore the stares. Zoe despises having the spotlight on her so I’m going to keep her seated in my lap. This way she won’t be as tempted to look around at who’s paying attention to us. The service began after about ten minutes of us waiting. The muffled sounds of sobs and sniffles dispersed throughout the room were infectious. Despite the raging sadness within these walls, the minister is doing his best to lighten the mood. He’s speaking so highly about Emilina’s life and accomplishments.

When the time came for the family to go up and speak, Camila’s nails dug into my palm. I can feel her nerves raising the longer she sat still.

“Go ahead Camila, it’s alright.” Victor whispered assuringly. She turned to me asking for more guidance through her eyes.

“Go on, we’ll be right here. Just take your time.” I said quietly. Zoe leaned away from me to kiss her moms cheek.

“You can do it mama.” With that, Zoe fell back into my lap.

Maree hesitated for another few minutes or so before standing up from the pew. She straightened out her blazer and silently walked up to the podium to greet the minister. He managed to make her laugh and that made me feel good just to see Camila with another smile on her face. Now standing behind the podium Camila placed both hands in front of her, seeming prepared to speak. When she remained silent after about twenty seconds I noticed her studying the casket.

Clearing her throat, Camila took a half step to the left and braced the crowd. “First, I’d like to thank each of you who took time out to be here today. I really appreciate you all for being here with me and my family to celebrate my mother’s life. I didn’t have much time to prepare for a speech let alone today in general. Death is impossible to escape for any of us but I never thought I’d live to see this day. Not at such short notice.” She began.

Appearing from a hidden pocket in her blazer was an envelope housing the letter Camila’s been tinkering away at for some time now. “Dear mom, um, I guess I should start by saying thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me from the day you found out you were pregnant with me up until the last time we spoke. You were and always will be the brightest woman I ever knew. Every word out of your mouth was pure truth. You were the most amazing person in my life and you always will be. Just thinking about how long I’ll have to go without seeing you, talking to you or hugging is hard to come to terms with. It breaks me down as a woman and a mother because you’ve always been my hero and inspiration. Having you involved in Kenja’s life in the big way that you were means the world me. You were a second mom to her, she loved you just as much as I did. When Andre and I got serious and blended our families together, I was so amazed at how you responded to my life change. You welcomed our new family dynamic with grace, tenderness and open arms. You made sure that Zoe felt just as loved and important as Kenja. For that, I can never express just how grateful I am to who you are as a person. You’re acceptance over my family means the world to both Andre and I. it sucks that you were such an awesome grandmother because now you won’t-”

Camila pauses her speech to collect herself but isn’t successful. Her hands cupped her mouth as she retreated from the podium.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this..” she cried aloud. “I’m so sorry!” She exclaimed. Finally she turned away with her back to us earning solace from the minister. I immediately sat Zoe next to me, panicking internally about Camila’s state of mind and our baby’s health.

The minister made direct eye contact with me and that’s when I made my advance to stand with Camila. I delicately cupped her lower back earning a much needed hug for her sake. Maree’s hands clutched my arms as she continued to grieve. She’s held herself together pretty well since her meltdown but us being forced to live in this moment is finally setting in for her. She’s now forced to acknowledge her mother’s death in front of so many pairs of eyes.

“I can’t do this. This is too hard.” Camila began to sob into my chest, squeezing my arms with everything she’s got.

“Yes you can. I believe in you.” Rubbing her back in large, slow circles I continued to talk Cam down from the ledge.

“I cannot do this. Please don’t make me. Please..” She begged, quickly using me as an aid to hold herself up. I can see how badly this ceremony is tearing her up inside but I do want her to finish this letter. I think it’ll be a decision she regrets if she chooses not to speak.

I plead with her again hoping to make some sort of breakthrough. “Camila look at me please, just for a second..” She stood tall in front of me, completely engaged. “I’m not about to make you finish reading this letter. You know I would never force you to do anything that you don’t want to or agree with. However, I strongly urge you to finish this letter. After today, you won’t be with her in a physical sense again so I think you should enjoy this time that you have left with her. Do this for her but also yourself. I don’t want you to develop any sort of resentment for yourself or this moment.”

Camila composed herself in silence. I know without a doubt the wheels in her head are turning as she thinks over my advice. “Will you stand here with me? I can’t do this alone..”

Smirking at her delicate request I offered my presence and support in any way she needs. With our hands joined and fingers intertwined, we stood at the podium together. Camila took several breaths before continuing her speech.

“I made a promise that I’d never allow you to become a memory in the lives of our children. We vow to always celebrate your birthday and make your existence known whenever necessary. I hate that we didn’t have more time together. There’s so much I wanted to do with you but now I can’t. Out of five kids I’m the only one who gave you grandchildren. You would’ve had three in September. My son will never get to meet the amazing woman who taught me everything I know. My son will never get to learn the ways of a headstrong woman like you. I do not know if I can live up to the skill level of parenting as you but I will make every attempt to do so.” Pausing, Camila looked up from her letter and gently squeezed my hand.

“I honor my mother for her grace and humility. She never frowned upon my life choices. She always reminded me of how special I am, how much she loved me and how proud she was of my accomplishments. She would even cheer for my failures from time to time because she said mistakes make us human. Our screw ups are what make each of us unique. She always told me that my mistakes would mold my character and she was right.” Camila said her final words and as we retreated to our seats she asked to make a stop.

“Do you want to see her?” I questioned softly, clutching her hand tightly.

“Please..” She nodded. I did the honors, being cautious to not move too fast. I secured the top of the casket, wrapping my right arm behind Camila to provide her with early support. “I can’t believe any of this.” She whispered, covering her mouth.

Leaning down I pressed my lips to her hairline, allowing her this time to live in the moment. After a few minutes of us standing here, Victor appeared with the girls. I took Kenja off of Victor’s hands, becoming her shoulder to cry on too.

“I’m gonna miss her so much..” Kenja sniffled. Cam made eye contact with Ev, leaning in to hug me from an angle.

“I know baby, we all will..” Cam agreed solemnly. Eventually, I led my family back to our awaiting seats. A powerful, warm energy settled nearby, prompting me to speak. Kenja tagged along, still nestled against my shoulder.

Standing before the crowd, I locked eyes with Camila and her father sorting through my inner thoughts.

“I just have a few things I want to say. I am beyond humbled and grateful that Emilina loved and cared for me in the way that she did. She has treated me as if I was another son to her and for that I will be eternally grateful. Around the time that my world collided with Camila’s, I was going through a rough time. I felt as if I was living in hell, excuse me. Having Camila and our daughter in my life gave me the strength to keep pushing forward. Many years ago, I promised Emilina that I would use every ounce of my power to protect and provide for our family. She instilled the utmost trust in me and I’m so happy that she did. Emilina never failed to make me feel included in her heart and her prayers. She was a living angel. I admire how soft spoken but powerful she was. I admire how deeply she loved each of us. I am honored to have so many sweet memories to cherish until the end of time.”

Peering down at my daughter I caught her eye. Her ghostly smile and minor dimple in her left cheek warmed my heart. The urge to get emotional overtook me and settled into feeling blessed beyond measure. The remainder of my speech is directly aimed at my mother-in-law.

“Emilina, you put your faith in me to keep your girls safe and happy. I promise today before God, our friends and family, to continue to do so until I’m no longer here. I have never loved any woman as much as I do your daughter. You blessed this Earth and my life with an angel. Camila is a beautiful extension of you. I am grateful that you brought her into this world. We love you so much and we will always miss you.” I closed with a prayer that the minister joined in on. He took over so I could return to my seat to be with my family.

_____________ ____________

Setting Zoe’s hairbrush back in her bag I initially planned to have her in bed an hour ago but she’s stubborn. After the service, Zoe’s energy level began to increase to new heights. Finally, after two meals, the service from this morning, a bath and getting her hair washed, she’s much more relaxed. I began to detach her from my chest but she fought me.

“Daddy, I’m not sleepy.” Zoe mumbled.

“Oh no? You’ve been falling in and out of sleep since your bath.” I tried laying her down again but she didn’t want to let go. Sighing out of defeat I went to lay on our bed with her still wrapped around me. “Why don't you want to go to bed?” I asked, pulling her pajama pants down.

“I don’t want to miss out.” She yawned, with her hands on my chest.

“Miss out on what? Kenny is asleep, mommy will be back soon and then she and I are calling it a night. We have a busy day tomorrow Zoe.” I explained.

“Ok, ok. Night daddy.” Zoe kissed my chin, finally getting comfortable enough to follow suit to her sister.

I must have passed out along with her for quite some time until I heard sudden movement. Awaking in a hurry I scanned the room to notice Cam’s return.

Sighing, I stood up to make room for her. “You scared the hell out of me..”

“I’m sorry honey, I didn’t mean to scare you. How were the girls? Did they give you a hard time?” She apologized and went on to get ready for bed.

“I’ll be fine, you have nothing to be sorry about. No, they were good. How’s your dad doing?” I asked. Pulling the blanket up over Zoe’s back I checked the lock on our door and the windows before getting back into bed.

Cam and I made light hearted conversation to shake the chip off our shoulders. We’ve each taken a hard hit of reality in the past forty-eight hours. It’s best Cam and I stay as united and positive as possible. Not only for the girls but for ourselves and our partnership. Once we return home and some time has passed, we can reopen this wound.

#maree-ff #maree ff outtakes

[maree-ff]

How Could You?

CAMILA

I carefully took a seat on the couch, sinking into the material, feeling my body expand against my clothes. Bringing my hands to his back, I used the song in my head to guide the motion of my hands to keep Jorden at ease. He’s working through his second nap of the day and I’m doing everything I can to keep as still as I can. I want Jorden to catch up on his sleep now that the house is quiet again. With the girls at school and Andre working in his office, this is the perfect time for him to sleep. Dre and I have both been waking up at random times throughout the night for the past two weeks. Jo has been waking the house up screaming his head off. Each night is worse than the last. 

Our first taste of this when Jorden was around six weeks old. Back then we found a quick method to soothe him while he was resting after the third night. Now, exactly two years later, we’re going through the same thing. Again. This phase of his bad dreams are on another level. His cries and screams are bloodcurdling. With me still adjusting to being at home mom as my full-time job, I’m at rock bottom. Not working and making my own money is a foreign aspect of life for me. I don’t like this change. I hate this. I love being with my son everyday, teaching him new things, being able to monitor what he’s eating, drinking, and involved in. Honestly, it’s all a blessing in the midst of the madness. 

My feet have been sore for a week now, I have knots in my muscles and joints, my migraines have kicked up a notch, and my hair is shedding. Andre has been paying very close attention to my behavior and he’s about to figure out that I’m hanging on by a thread. I’d say that I’ve done a pretty damn good job of keeping myself composed but I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. At a time like this I’d love nothing more than to hug and talk to my mother. The memories of finding about her accident and death have come back full circle, with a vengeance this time! 

Around the time I lost my mom I was almost full term with Jorden so I never got to grieve properly. I had to keep myself together as best I could so I didn’t go into early labor, have a nervous breakdown, etc that would’ve harmed my baby. 

A tear rolled down my cheek just getting too deep into thought. 

“Pull it together.”  I whispered aloud. 

I speedily reigned in my emotions, focusing on ensuring my baby is relaxed. He shifted within my hold, turning inward so I can see his face. Cuddling him closer to my chest I re-situated his blanket to keep his back warm. His forehead began to  pinch but I intervened at the perfect moment. Touching my lips to his hairline I closed my eyes, swaying gently from left to right. 

“I promise we’ll get through this bubba.” I spoke quietly to him. “I wish you could tell me what’s scaring you so badly. I wish you would talk to me.” I sniffled feverishly beginning to weep in silence. I’m losing myself in motherhood. Not knowing how to stop Jorden’s bad dreams and not knowing what causes them is taking a toll on me. Combined with the other changes in my life, I feel like I am about to crack. 

The floor shook slightly as Andre came closer to this room. It took two seconds for me to stop crying only to start up again. That first step he took into the room I shielded my face in Jo’s hair. This way my demise won’t seem so obvious. 

“Mmph..” Jo squirmed and fidgeted, raising his hand to tug at his hair. Easily I stopped him before I felt Andre looking in our direction. 

“How’s he doing?” He asked first. 

“Okay so far. He’s still squirming and pulling at his hair but no crying yet. You still have work to do?” 

“Yeah. Yeah I’ll be done in a couple of hours.” 

That was the end of our conversation. For now at least. We usually keep conversation brief until Jorden is further into his naps. I continued to clear my head of all negativity and remained focused on my baby. With only my ears I picked up on Andre cleaning our room and folding the laundry I washed this morning. 

For a two year old who comprehends extremely fast, Jorden still has trouble talking. He always tries but his words come out jumbled together. I’m in shock that at this age, my son isn’t speaking in at least half sentences. Andre is a little more patient when it comes to teaching Jo new words and phrases which is why he volunteers for the task. I on the other hand get frustrated because I don’t understand what’s going on with our son on a chemical level. 

I have bombarded Denise with many rounds of twenty-one questions as to where I went wrong in my pregnancy. She’s told me at the end of every hospital visit that I did nothing wrong. None of Jo’s learning abilities make any sense to me. Why is he struggling? How can I help him? How long will this last? 

“Look at me..” 

Turning to meet the eyes of my best friend I averted my sights down to his lap. I can’t keep this up much longer but the last thing I want to do is fight with Andre over the same subject. 

“Why are you trying to hide from me? I know you Camila so why don’t you just talk to me?” He advised.

I shook my head as a sign of disagreement, rubbing Jorden’s bareback. “There’s nothing to talk about. I just wish we knew why he keeps waking up in the middle of the night, screaming at the top of his lungs.” 

“You must think I’m stupid or that we just met yesterday.” 

“I’m not thinking either one.” Switching Jorden to my right side I watched him go back to cleaning. He left the room for around five minutes and returned with Jo’s laundry. We resumed our conversation and I decided to open up more about what’s going on within me. 

Together we discussed different scenarios that could be behind the reason Jo keeps having nightmares. A few explanations started making sense to me and ultimately we decided we have to monitor what Jorden hears and sees a little more. He can’t be around when we’re fighting, we have to work on our issues in private and do better at keeping the peace in front of our kids. 

“I’m just scared that he won’t make any progress within the next year. I’m scared he won’t want to talk.” Breathing out through my mouth I threw my head back in the couch. 

“He will. We have to be patient and let him talk when he’s ready, Camila. The more we force him the more he pulls back.” Andre fought. 

“I know that but he’s already two years old. You don’t wonder why he’s not progressing? You don’t wonder why he’s not at least showing more interest in using his words?” 

“Camila..” Andre huffed. Our eyes met and in this moment I can sense how agitated he’s becoming with me.  “How many times are we gonna go over this? Let him be. I don’t understand why you’re trying to put this pressure on him to do something he doesn’t seem to be ready for. Denise said that he will start speaking in his own time. The only thing we need to be doing is prepping and teaching him. The rest is up to him.” He argued boldly. 

Peering down at Jorden wiggling around in my lap I watched him turn his face up to me. His lips squished together, the tips of fingers resting against his cheek and tiny lines etched on his forehead. I kissed each individual crease to help soothe his mind from whatever he’s thinking. 

“Lo siento mucho, mi amor. I must have done something wrong to cause you all of this trouble.” I whispered against his cheek. “I should’ve read to you more, played better music and spent less time stressing so you wouldn’t be progressing so slowly.” Hugging him tightly I ran my fingers through his hair. 

“Excuse you?” 

Glancing up from what had my attention I looked at Andre seeing this strong look of disappointment in his eyes. 

“What?” I retorted. 

“What did you just say to him?” 

“I was apologizing to him for all of the things I didn’t do while I was preg-“ 

“Nah don’t do that. Don’t try to cover it up now.” 

Not understanding what Andre is upset about I went back to talking to Jo. 

“So you’re just gonna ignore me? I asked you a question Camila.” Coming to stand in front of me Andre used his feet to support the weight of his body. He crouched down before me, appearing defensive and ready to strike. 

“Can you stop staring at me? I didn’t say anything wrong.” I defended myself. 

“So now you think it’s okay to call our son “slow”? Are you out of your goddamn mind? What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you say that?” He rambled off. His eyes bounced between Jorden and I, seeming to get more and more riled up. 

“First of all, you need to watch your mouth. Secondly, I did not call him slow. I said that he’s progressing slowly. Sl-ow-ly.” I broke down each syllable so he can hear exactly what I said. 

“And now you want to speak to me like I’m stupid. Alright.” Standing to his feet Andre moved in, taking Jorden from me. 

“Wow, this is what you’re resorting to? Why are you taking him from me?” Rising from the couch I followed him down the hall. “How old are we, Andre? Can you stop for a second and talk to me?”

“Enough!” He barked. He spun halfway around and to my surprise Jo did not wake up at the volume of his father’s voice. We had an intense stare off. After I came to my senses, I looked around our house trying to figure out who this man thinks he’s speaking to like that. 

“Put him down.” I said. Andre didn’t even flinch. He stands strong, holding our son, with hard eyes and an even harder face. “Put him down, right now.” I said again. 

Andre hesitated for a quick second and took Jo into the girl’s room to lay down. When he shut that door I charged toward him, closing all space between us and shoved him with all my night. He lost his footing for a quick second but his reflexes saved him from falling. 

“I don’t know who the hell you think you are talking to me like that but you need to get your shit together!” Composing myself I pulled down my shirt and stood my ground. 

“Don’t put your hands on me like that.” He warned sternly. 

Huffing like an angry bull I shook my head. “And you will not talk to me like you’re god or that you own me like I am property. I am not your child so I do not have to listen to you.” 

“How dare you? How dare you talk down to my son like that! How could you have sat there and labeled him like he’s some sort of science experiment? How could you talk badly about him to his face?” Andre stormed past me and headed back to our room, pacing back and forth. 

I followed suit to continue this debate once the door was cracked. “He is my son too! He is ours together! I carried him, I nourished him, I gave him life and is still to this very day nursing him myself! Don’t you ever again in your life come for my role in our son’s life. Don’t you ever twist my words around to make me sound like the bad guy. I would never say such a thing about our little boy. Never! I am the only person to blame for why he’s not where he could be. You have NO  idea what it’s like to adjust to a new baby, take care of two children, fill your shoes and still take care of myself.” 

“That doesn’t give you the right to say that he’s progressing slowly. That’s fucked up and it’s even more so that you’re trying to cover it up! I’ve apologized for being absent for as long as I was. How long are you hang that over my head? Huh? You think I purposely set myself up? You think it was easy being a prisoner? That was hell for me, Camila! Absolute hell and after all that I’ve done to try and makeup for my mistakes, you still blame me!” 

“Because I needed you, dammit! I needed you like plants need sunlight and water.” Pausing momentarily I shielded my face and let it all out. My mom and Divya have both warned me about holding things in, especially for long periods of time. “Andre, I have never said or believed that what you went through was easy. I’m sure being in prison is extremely difficult but I had to take your place. I had no choice but to be everything and more to our kids to keep us going. No one is diminishing your pain and suffering but take a second to think about how hard it was for me to play both roles.” 

I sat down ready to explain myself more. “I love you and our kids with all of my heart but I’m miserable. Jorden isn’t talking, he’s not sleeping well, I’m not working to provide for myself, and I-I feel like I’m losing it. I blame myself for why he is this way and my mothers gone. I wasn’t allowed the chance to grieve how I needed to because I was keeping it together for Jorden. The anxiety that I felt going back to work immediately following my maternity leave was so challenging for me. You’re back to providing for us all and while I’m so very grateful and appreciate, I miss making my own money. That feeling of providing for our kids just as much as you is gone and I’m lost on how to get it back.” Sharply exhaling I curled up in child’s pose, staring blankly at this new bedspread. 

“Why are you bottling your feelings up until the last second? You never used to do that with me.” His caring tone matched the voice in my head that sounds like my mom. I can hear her speaking to me and it’s bringing forth a lot of mixed emotions right now.

“I don’t know. I never thought I’d be this exhausted, Andre.”

Sitting next to me Andre turned me on my back so that we’re face to face. “Do you need to getaway by yourself? I can make that happen if you feel that you truly need it.” 

“I don’t want or need that.” I simply declined.

“Then what do you need?” He countered, laying beside me.

“For you not to pick fights with me. We’ve got too much at stake to-”

He  motioned for me to stop talking which means that he knew where I was going with my statement. “I know. I don’t like fighting with you either and I’m sorry for getting you riled up. I took what you said out of context and I apologize. We’re in this estranged and unfamiliar place but that’s no excuse for us to go at each other. Our relationship has changed baby but I don’t love you any less.” Andre lifted my left hand and ran his thumb pad across the tan line that hasn’t faded from my where my ring used to be. He softly kissed my hand, released it and left the room.  

I sat up in bed, sniffling my heart away, drooling at him undress at a snail's pace. Quietly exiting to check on Jorden I felt my tears amplify. Reviewing our petty yet important debaucal I stood in the doorway watching our little boy sleep soundly. His soft snores give away that he’s going to get a great nap this afternoon. The rising volume from the bathroom caught my attention again. My feet picked up speed before my brain could tell them to move. I stumbled a bit as my heart raced from within watching my man in the shower, all alone. 

Even though we have called off our engagement, he’s still my lover. He’s my everything. He’s part of the reason I live and breathe. Going backwards to shut our door I retracted yet again, discarding my own clothes. Discreetly yet using some noise I joined him with tears still rolling down both cheeks. With ease I shut the door feeling the temperature inside my body rise.

I snaked both hands up his back, up and over his shoulders.getting lost in the muscle mass and definition. “Lo siento mucho..” I exhaled, going in to kiss his left shoulder blade. 

“You don’-” he began. 

I silenced him abruptly. “I do.” Carrying on with my antics earned me the secure feeling of knowing where I stand within his heart. We are apart but we are one. We always will be. He is my better half as I am his. 

#maree-ff #maree ff outtakes

[maree-ff]

Waiting Game

CAMILA

Buttoning my pants up I called for the girls to meet me in my bathroom. The sound of their feet dashing through the house is refreshing. We finally moved back home after a long awaited renovation. The baby’s nursery is complete for the most part minus the miniscule details. 

“Nenas? Come here now, por favor?!” I said again. As I began to straighten my hair I felt the nausea kick in. I counted in my head and took deep and slow breaths to remain at ease. I’ve noticed that when I start to feel sick, I’ll panic and the sickness would hit me so much harder. “Oh baby..you’re giving your mama a hard time but it’s okay.” 

Taking one final minute to push back this nausea I met Zoe and Kenja’s curious eyes. 

“Are you okay?” The both asked in unison. 

“I’m fine. Are you two ready? We have to pick up grandma before we hit the road.” Picking up the straightener I zipped through my hair as the girls busied themselves in here. 

“Yes mom we are. What time do we-”

Kenja’s pants caught my eye and I instantly recalled the rules for visitors of the prison. “Mierda,” I exhaled. 

“Mom, what is it?” Zoe chimes in. 

Cupping my mouth in frustration I began to think of something else for her to wear. “You have to change mami, we can’t wear white remember? It’s one of the few colors we are not allowed to wear.” 

“What? Aw man. Do I have to? Pero me encantan estos pantalones!” Kenja freaked out and stormed off to her bedroom. Zoe and I stared at one another probably thinking exactly what I am. 

“She’ll change her pants. I think she’s nervous to see dad today.” Zo encouraged me to finish my hair which I need to. 

“Nervioso! Por que?” With one ear listening to Zoe tell me why her sister is nervous about today’s visit I used the other to zero in on everything else. From what I’m hearing, Ev gets really scared before we go into the prison and when we get home she cries in the bathtub. I’m going to assume that she’s sad about papi not being home alongside not knowing when he will come home. That’s a talk I need to have to Kenja alone to get the full story. 

“How did daddy get into trouble?” Zoe’s question took me by total surprise. 

“Um..” I’m conflicted on what to say. I don’t feel that it’s my place to speak on Andre’s conviction. I want for him to talk to our daughters about why he’s not home. In the same token these are my kids too and they deserve the honest truth. “What has papi told you so far?” 

Zoe fumbled through my makeup drawer, pulling out various lip pencils. “Nothing. Well he said he was betrayed but I don’t know what the means.” 

“Well baby that is a conversation I want you and Kenny to have with your daddy. Ahora, it won’t be easy for him because he feels bad for putting you two through this. The separation is hard for all of us little lady, it really is. I’m doing the best that I can for you girls and this baby in my belly. However, there are days when l want to lay around the house because I’m tired or overwhelmed pero I can’t. You have to talk to daddy about why and how he was betrayed. But ask him gently and with caution.” I spoke truthfully. 

Zoe toyed around in my belongings while I finished getting ready for this drive to visit Andre. Since my mother has been glued to my hip today, I’m having Divya come with me to the prison instead. I can see that  my mom needs a break and I know Divya would love to see her son. After about another the four of us finally made it into the car where traffic began to pick up steadily. 

“Are you doing alright? We can switch places if necessary. It’s alright sweetie, this drive won’t bother me.” Divya softly intervened in my thoughts. I turned to her and declined kindly.

“No mama, I’m alright. The focus is helping me clear my head.” Sighing, I pushed my bangs aside and glanced briefly in the rearview mirror. As usual the girls entertained one another with their toys and books. 

“I understand that. I know you girls are beyond thrilled to be back home as opposed to the apartment. Although, it was a really cozy place. Quaint too.” Divya added. 

“It was great for the being I have no complaints but I am so happy to be home. Verdad nenas?” Carefully reaching behind I playfully attacked my girls. 

“Yeah, super happy.” They joyously giggled at once. 

Hearing their laugh settled my deepest, inner nerves. I refocused on my drive drumming up some talking points with my beloved. 

“How are you doing? Your mother fills me in on the days we don’t speak. She also tells me how you feel afraid to open up because of Andre and I’s relationship.” Divya is literally in my mind. She’s damn good. 

“I just get nervous that I’ll overstep the boundaries and say something that comes across hurtful. I keep telling myself that I don’t resent Dre and that I’m not angry but there are days when I feel downright upset and disappointed. Not directly at him but at the nature of this messy situation. My love has never wavered and I stand by that. I’m just at a loss with compartmentalizing my feelings about all of this.” Taking a beat I veered in front of me, suddenly wanting to go back home and cry myself to sleep. 

“What if I say something and Andre misreads? Or worse? The last thing I want is for us to be divided. Especially in front of the girls. And with this new baby on the way...yeah we have to be civil, on the same page, and united at all times..” I threw in. 

“Aw sweet pea you just have to be honest with him the same way you always have been. I know for a fact Andre wouldn’t put either of you in any sort of uncomfortable position by any means. He can only do so much and get so upset. I’m not saying he deliberately asked to be this predicament but he knew the consequences of stepping back into those shoes.” Divya pointed out. 

“Yeah…” I dragged out. “He was well aware of the consequences but he also opened that door. He welcomed that margin of error for whatever reason he decided to try and put an end to this mierda. Thank you for coming with us today, I needed a break from my mom.” I shamelessly said. 

Divya snickered at my remark refuting how much she understands. She and I discussed the renovations I had done to the house, the baby and my plans for the remainder of my pregnancy, and the legalities of Andre’s stint. I can’t tell if it’s becoming more or less difficult to talk about prison time and being a solo parent. I would say the latter but then I’d be lying. In light of all of this my children remain a source of constant joy and motivation for me. Every move and sacrifice I make is the bettering of my kids.

#maree-ff #maree ff outtakes

[maree-ff]

Pressure

CAMILA

“Ma…” I dragged my mother's name through vain as she spit questions at me left and right. She’s been on my ass ever since I confided in her about my pregnancy. It’s going on week twenty of my second trimester and life is kicking my ass. Our septic system needs to be replaced and I’m having major construction done to the house so I’m apartment hunting. Jessica offered to let the girls and I stay with her but I can’t. Adding two more children and a third adult into their household is a bit much. Amelia needs one on one attention and I need my personal space. 

I spoke to Andre a few days ago, for thirty seconds and then he promised to call back but never did. Some of our calls get cut short and I get so irrationally sad that I end up crying myself to sleep. I’m losing my mind over Andre’s absence. 

“Camila, stop whining and listen to me. You can be so terca at times. Just like tu papa. Have you asked Divya if you can stay with her?” 

Grunting aloud so she can hear my frustration I dropped the house phone in my lap. Just then I heard my cell phone going off. 

“No, because I found a place this morning. Mira, me tengo que ir, I’ll call you later.” Lying through my teeth I briskly hung up and answered my incoming call. “Hello?” I answered. 

“You have one call from California State Prison. Do you accept the charges?” The machine spoke. 

“I accept.” I said clearly. I listened for that signal to speak, grinning from ear to ear to hear his voice. 

“I am so sorry, love. We had a quarantine and a lockdown at the same time which is why you haven’t heard from me.” He said in a rush. 

“I’m just happy to hear your voice. Are you alright?” I questioned. 

“Yeah baby I’m fine. How are you? Talk to me about everything.” His evenly paced breaths really solidified my peace of mind. 

“Cuánto tiempo tenemos?” I couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony of not having enough time.

“That bad?” He quieted down telling me he’s not in a joking manner. 

“Si. I’m having major work down to the house and I’m looking for a place to rent out for a while. On top of that, Zoe is sick again. This time I’m not sure what she caught and I’m scared to get sick and then pass it to the baby. But she’s been on one for five days now driving Kenny insane.” I explained. 

“I’d give up everything to be taking care of you ladies. I’m sorry you all are going through so much. You’ve been taking it easy I hope.” 

“Andre, sweetie I’m doing the best I can but it’s hard and I’m extremely worn out. These little girls give me a run for my money sometimes but I’ve learned to love that about them. Don’t get me wrong, they are so loving, caring, and kind-hearted but I’m tired.” I do the best I can to not whine to him about how difficult this situation is for me. Today, I can’t. I need to relieve some of this pressure. 

“I can only imagine how this must be affecting you.” The silence that’s brooding between us gives me anxiety. “Camila, I am so sorry for splitting up this family. I will completely understand if you need to hate me. I will understand whatever decision you make regarding this difficult situation I’ve placed our family in. This is my fault.” His apologetic and never wanting to hurt me attitude is why I can’t seem to be upset for too long. 

“You don’t need to apologize, go me. I just want you to know how I’m feeling. I don’t want you to ever question whether or not I can do this. I don’t want you to doubt my abilities as a mother either. There’s so much to adjust to. We miss you so much and I never want you to forget that.” Needing a deep breath in, I stood up and walked around the room. My sights fanned out over my belly, analyzing the growth of it. 

“How far along are you?” He asked. 

“Twenty weeks, second trimester. The baby has gotten so big. Zoe keeps addressing the baby as “he” because she’s confident that we have a boy coming into the family. I kinda feel like that too. Everyone else is thinking it’s a girl but I’m siding with Zoe all the way.” Talking about the baby gives me mixed feelings. There are times when I’m welcoming of the fact and other times I would trade the baby for Dre. 

We can create life together as long as we’d like to but I can’t replace him. I just can’t. 

“When are you coming back to see me?” I know for a fact this man has some sort of smile or smirk on his face. 

“Whenever you want us too.” Our tones of voice indicate that he and I are on the same page. 

He then says, “Tuesday, come visit on Tuesday. So...what’s the plan for today?” 

I buzzed around again getting ready for the moving truck to come. “Packing up the small stuff and bringing it to our new place. I’ll show you pictures don’t worry. You should talk to the girls before you have to go..” covering the mouthpiece I called out for Kenja and Zoe. 

Walking to the living room I found them sound asleep. Feet touching as usual. 

“Camila, what's wrong?” Andre panicked. 

Holding the phone up to my face again I smiled gently and said, “..nothing is wrong.  The girls are knocked out on the couch. They look so cute. Damn, I wish they were up right now.”

Andre and I talked for a wholesome twenty-five minutes. The downside to this call is that I didn’t get to say ‘I love you too’ before the call dropped. The act triggered me and sent me into a frenzy. Lucky for me, my mom, dad, Dani and Matt came over. Not only to help me with the girls but also to help with the move. 

Going to get the girls up and ready I attempted to get Zoe up first since she’s the lightest sleeper of us all. 

“Levántate ya sweet pea, we have to move today.” Kissing her hairline I turned her over as she began to wake up. 

“Mom, you talk to daddy? Yes?” She spit out without hesitation. 

“Yes I talked to him. He loves you and he can’t wait to see you and your sister. Did you have a good nap mi amor?” Wiping the drool off of her cheek I moved over to Kenja knowing this would be a tad more difficult. “Come on nena, levántate ya por favor.”

Kenja began to squirm and ultimately frowned at me once she had her eyes fully opened up. “Eres muy ruidoso, mom!” She exclaimed. 

“Cuidado, Evelyn. We don’t have time for this now, get up and get moving. Ahora.” Following behind and guiding them to their rooms, I got them ready together. By the time I finished with the girls the trucks had arrived. I traded places with my mom so she could get the girls into her car while I stand aside to supervise everything. 

——— ———

“Urgh my goodness, my body hurts so much. This poor baby has been going at my back relentlessly for hours.” Working through the knot in my lower back I ran my free hand across my belly. 

My mom stopped fanning herself to stare at me. 

 “Ay! Que estás mirando?” 

“You’re acknowledging my grandchild again. Some days I fear you have evil thoughts about this bundle of joy because Andre is not present. I see the way you look at yourself in the mirror and ay bendito it makes me so sad. But this is your baby and your body. I just don’t want you to forget, usted tiene ayuda Camila.” 

My mom prayed over the baby and I, and quietly exited the room. “Tienen hambre nenas?” She joyously sang. 

Rising from the bed I walked to the window, drawing the shades up. The view from this floor is breathtaking. I haven’t seen this type of view in a while. Watching the city below seems slowed down and so far away. 

“You’d love this place..” I whispered aloud. Gliding both palms over my belly I thought about our last visitation. I dreamt of the last night Andre romanced me and ultimately impregnated me. This baby is so much more special than I gave him or her credit for. My fears and anxiety have pushed me too far. Our child is a blessing through the turmoil. I need this baby as a symbol for hope and love. 

This bundle of joy and innocence deserves some attention and care. I could never imagine allowing Andre to discover the evil thoughts I’ve dreamt up like my mom mentioned. 

“I love you so much and I’m so sorry for not treating you better. This is a very difficult time for our familia pero it’s no excuse for my love..” looking down at my baby bump I smiled at the sight of my bare skin housing my unborn baby. “I’ll get myself together and take care of you the way you deserve. Con amor y respeto.” 

“Mommy, Papi is calling! Come on!” Kenja and Zoe yelled, blending their voices together. 

Hurrying out of the room I leveled out my tank top and threw my hands up. “Nenas, we can’t be as loud as we used to be at the house okay? This place is much smaller and we have neighbors close by.” I informed them. 

“Okay, we’re sorry. Talk to daddy.” Zoe shoved the phone to my ear where I could hear Andre speaking but to someone else. 

“Andre?” 

“I’m here baby. Listen I’m so sorry for the noise but these n diggas won’t leave me the fuck alone. How are you? How was the move?” He quizzed. 

“It went good. I’m more exhausted now than I was earlier but I can’t complain about much else. I love you papa but I want you to talk to the girls since you weren’t able to earlier.” I listened to his return of adoration and affection, handing my phone back to the girls. “Ma, you’re more than welcome to stay.” I said, meeting her in the kitchen. 

She smirks and giggles knowing damn well I need her to stay with us tonight. “You can count on that. What are we cooking?” 

Rubbing my belly again just to hear my mother laugh I laid out all of my plans for dinner and dessert. Our first night in this condo will be an adjustment as will the remainder of our time here. 

Mom and I watched the girls load up on two full portions of dinner, still crying for more. After our familial debate my mom volunteered to bathe the kids while I put the remainder of the food away and cleaned the kitchen. 

“Nana, can you stay and help mom? She won’t rest. And she’s super tired.” I heard Zoe say over the sound of Kenja laughing and splashing around in the tub. 

Quietly I set the pots and pans down to hone in on their little talk. Wiping my hands dry, I inched closer to the doorway of their bedroom. 

“Of course I will nena. I’m here to help mommy and you girls as long as I need to. That’s what I’m here for.” My mom said, smiling through her words I can tell. 

“I miss daddy..” Kenja settled down and finally spoke up. My heart split down the middle at her confession. Her speaking on her father’s absence sounds different then the other ‘i miss him’ confessions. 

“Yo sé mamita. I miss him también y I know mom does too. Your dad being gone is difficult on us all. And I’m sure that you girls have questions about why he’s gone and when he will be home..si?” The hope and serenity in my moms voice gives me hope that this tough time will get easier. Or at least we will all come to terms with Andre being away and make the best out of our unfortunate situation. 

“Yes.” The girls said together. “When will he come home? He has to care for mommy and baby brother before it’s too late!” Kenja exclaimed. 

“Ay, tranquila Evelyn. It’s late and that’s no way to speak to tu abuelita. I know and mom knows how much you girls miss your dad. We have to be patient and stay positive. I need you both to be supportive of your mom and tu papa. Don’t give mom a hard time ok? Take it easy on her. With your baby brother or sister still baking, your mom needs you both to take care of her. Come on, let’s get dressed for bed now.” 

Leaning back against the wall I looked around our temporary living quarters in amazement. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be stepping back into the shoes of being a solo parent. I have this urge to cry but I feel selfish for even wanting to. Deciding against being emotional I forced my way back to the dishes to finish up here for the night. 

Once I had my own bath taken and I got dressed for bed I stretched out. The echoes of silence in this room and the loneliness of laying in bed alone is still foreign. I hope I don’t get used to this but I’m afraid I may have to. Turning over to face away from the window I snuggled the body pillow covered by Andre’s favorite sweatshirt. 

I miss the tips of his fingers massaging my scalp. I miss his natural body heat to keep me warm throughout the night. I miss the combination of his soap and the girls knocking me into a blissful sleep. I close my eyes to reminisce on the sound of him speaking softly into my ear about his innermost thoughts. A slight grin bestowed upon my face pretending to feel his lips on my skin, melting me to the core. 

“I pray that you’re alright my love. And I pray that you miss me nearly as much as I miss you.” I muttered to myself. Clutching the pillow a bit tighter I tuned out the rainfall and the scary images in mind to dream of our reunion. 

#maree-ff #maree ff outtakes

[maree-ff]

Adjustments

[CAMILA]

Walking through the classroom door I hit the lights, taking in the flashbacks of my last day at work before going on leave. This transition back into the working field after really getting to know my newborn baby won’t be easy. This morning it took me 45 minutes just to put the baby down so I could get ready for the day. Andre did not pester me or make commentary on my behavior.  I think he was mute for quite a few reasons but only one stands out the most. He’s become an extremely compassionate person. Andre watched over and cared for me from the moment he came home up until now. He knows how attached I’ve become to our new baby and getting acquainted with motherhood once again. Which is why leaving this morning was a major heartache for me. Pregnancy became that much lifelike with him around to soak up the last few months alongside me. Not to forget about how nurturing, strong and level headed he was while I was going through labor.

“Mrs. Reese?” A tender voice spoke out from behind me.

I squealed initially and spilled some of my tea on the floor. The sting from the water against the tops of my feet made me tear up but I didn’t release them. Spinning around slowly I made eye contact with one of my quietest students.

“Good morning, Lee. How are you?” I asked him.

“I’m okay. Sorry if I scared you. I didn’t mean to.” He said timidly.

I assured him that I’m fine and that he didn’t scare me. I don’t have the heart to tell this sweet boy that he did in fact scare the hell out of me. My classroom isn’t even filled yet and I already feel that my nerves are getting the better of me. 

---------  --------

Time seems to be moving at a rather fast pace now. Half of the day is already gone and I received my routine visits from both Zoe and Kenja. Seeing them reminded me of Jorden and although the sadness returned, the girls put a smile on my face.

After recess was over, I pushed through the remainder of my lesson by forcing my sadness deep down inside. My students don’t deserve any inconsistency in their education. The minute the bell rang out, my room alongside neighboring classrooms and hallway were instantly filled with noise. Standing from my desk I removed my cardigan, set it on top of my laptop, and went around the room for a sweep.

“Mrs. Reese?!” I turned around on my heels with three pencils, a notebook, and halfway zipped pencil pouch in hand. I moved so quickly I dropped half of what I was holding.

“Dammit..” I cursed under my breath at my clumsiness and bent down to pick up the items. “What’s the matter Claudia?” I asked.

“I still can’t read the big clock.” She whined.

Going over to her desk I assisted her in gathering her things and talked her through the review lesson on time we went over today. My fill-in for the last few months has really done a great job on staying up on the lesson plan I set up for my kids. Even at home, carrying Jorden to full term I still made sure my babies here at school were taken care of. From what the substitute told me, Claudia is still struggling to read time. I went as far as writing her parents a note explaining to them what exactly Claudia is having issues with.

Once Claudia felt confident that she will get the hang of this lesson, I sat down at my desk to read everyone’s journal entries. There was complete silence in my room until I heard feet closing in on my position. Still focused on these journal entries I picked up my favorite pen and highlighter, going in with this editing.

“Mama, you coming home late today?” 

My head turned to the left and when I saw Zoe standing in the doorway I dropped my pen. I turned around in my chair, stood up and went over to where she stood. With her wrapped up in my arms I felt this sensational urge to weep but our location prevented that. 

“I missed you, my love.” I sniffled. Even after a long day of playing and running around, Zo still smells like home. 

“But I came to visit you two times today. Mom, are you okay?” She asked. The concern in her voice tickled me red. 

Scaling back from our hug I walked her to my desk so I could sit back down. 

“Mommy..what’s wrong? Why do you look so sad?” She questioned with a little more authoritative tone. 

“I’m not sad, Zo. I’m really tired but I’m not sad. And no I’m not coming home late. In fact..” taking a breather I stood up and began gathering my belongings. “Wanna take a trip with me? We can surprise daddy and Kenny with something they’ll both love.” I know that enticing children is a horrible parenting tactic. Especially since I get on Andre, all the time, about spoiling them with material things. However the incentive for her to come home with me is baked goods. 

“Can we go to Ann Marie? Please mom? Say that we can go, please!” Zoe began to guilt trip me about the last time we were supposed to go to the bakery. Together we left the school grounds after I received confirmation that Divya picked up Kenja this afternoon. The drive into downtown LA was an absolute mess. Cars and pedestrians at every turn, not to mention it began to rain just as Zo and I made it inside the shop. 

“Mommy..the umbrella.” Zoe complained, standing close to me. 

“We’ll be alright love bug. I’ll cover you with my jacket before we walk out. Tell me what you want.” I said to her. I granted Zoe the pleasure of getting her favorite muffin and a small cake just for her. I was sure to get Kenja’s and her daddy’s  favorite treats as well. When it came time for me to pick something I froze. 

My drastic change in diet has really hindered my food palate. I chose many months ago to eat to live. I chose to nourish my body with food from the earth not only for my benefit but for my little boy too. 

“If you’re struggling with the main menu we do have a specialty menu you can look at.” The girl behind the counter spoke up. 

“Yes, I’d like to see that one. Thank you.” Accepting a laminated booklet with all kinds of alternatives I felt my eyes widen. “I’ll be damned.” I chuckled quietly. 

“Can I see? I want to look too, mom.” Zoe quizzed frantically. 

Squatting down to her level I read off some goods that caught my eye. Thanks to Zoe I picked out more sweet treats than I bargained for. The girl boxed up our food beautifully and then we went home. The rain lightened up just as I got settled behind the steering wheel. My eye caught the brightest rainbow I’ve seen since the day of my mother’s funeral. 

“It’s grandma and her special rainbow, mommy, look.” Zoe said. 

“Yeah baby, I see it too. It’s pretty right?”

“Uh huh.” She mumbled 

Choking back a mass in my throat I discreetly thanked my mother for the sign of good faith.

——--  ——--

“Alright, all done.” I yawned. Setting down Kenja’s brush and spray bottle I hung my head low with my eyes closed. My body began to sway and when I felt the cushion of her bed underneath my head I remained still. 

“You can sleep here, I don’t mind..” 

I opened one eye up to see Kenja taking the braid out of my hair. A weak smile and airy chuckle later I felt a presence nearby. Shifting slightly I felt my spirit come back to life. Here Andre stands in the doorway of the room with the baby cradled in his arms. I’ve been home tending to the girls for over an hour and I’ve yet to lay eyes on my baby. 

“Is he asleep?” I yawned again, making the girls and Andre laugh. 

“Same state that you’re in now. Come on..” he encouraged me. 

I rose slowly from Evelyn’s bed and stood on my feet even slower. I’m worn out beyond measure. This first day back was brutal on my body. Turning around on my feet I went to tuck the girls into their beds. It’s getting to that time of night where I have to flip the switch in my brain. I tended to my kids and students all day so now is my time to end my night with my best friend and our bundle of joy. 

“Good night my loves, I love you girls so much and don’t ever forget that.” I passed my love to the girls and left the room, stripping out of second change of clothes. I swapped the sweats and hoodie for one of my robes and sat down at the edge of the bed. Andre passed the baby to me and when I laid my sights on him I let the tears go. Too many hours have passed since I’ve held and loved on my little boy. “I missed you so much baby. So so much.” I whispered to him, smothering his face in warm kisses. 

“I can already tell how your first day back went.” Andre voiced, adjusting the temperature in the room.

Sighing tiredly, I crossed my legs and laid back against the bed. “I missed the two of you so much. Being here was all I could think about. The girls came to visit as usual and that really helped. Anyway, how was your day?”

“Quiet. I didn’t take him anywhere. We just hung out around the house. I let him sleep after you left and surprisingly he was knocked out for five hours straight.” Andre stretched out beside me, removing my earrings and my eyelashes. “Why are you still playing around with these? You have beautiful eyelashes that don’t deserve to be covered up.” 

Smiling from the pit of my belly I felt my body tremble at his passive aggressive attempt to poke fun at me. Andre is the most supportive man I know but when I toy with different makeup looks and tools he gets a kick out of making commentary. 

“I like to switch things up, Dre. You know that. I guess you’re right though, they are quite uncomfortable.” Peering at my baby I lifted my hand to stroke his cheek. 

“Switch with me. Go get ready for bed because it’s getting late and you need to rest.” He and I traded places, granting me the peace and quiet I’ve been yearning for all day. Lifting my head toward the shower head I embraced the pounding water, pushing my hair back. 

“Mmm…” I groaned. “Hahh…” my mind is slipping between reality and a dreamland. Life has been gracious to me and so has the Lord. Life has also been cruel to me on numerous occasions. The spattering water against the floor and my feet reminded me of the waterfalls in Puerto Rico. 

“Camila,” I heard over the water. 

“Yeah?” Turning around I leaned forward to let the water penetrate my back muscles. “That feels so good, mm..” 

“I’m just checking on you. Go on with your shower, I’m not going anywhere.” He snickered. “Can I ask you something babe?”

Rolling my eyes I began to take this shower seriously. “Of course.” 

“How are those stitches treating you?” 

Andre mentioning the most painful part of labor and delivery struck a nerve. I truly felt like I was dying when I felt my skin rip apart. “Umm..” as I rinsed the suds from my body I took a seat and delicately fanned my fingertips over my stitches. Even the slightest touch still raises the hair on my body and brings me discomfort. 

“Cam, what’s wrong baby, talk to me..” I jumped at the sound of Andre’s voice and stabbed myself with my fingernail. 

“Crap..” I shuddered. “It’s healing...slowly but surely. Did you get the pain meds I asked for? Along with everything else?” Sighing in defeat I wiped away the tears and sped up this shower. Stepping out I accepted the towel from Andre’s hand. “Gracias.” I smiled. 

“Always and yes I have everything that you asked for. Everything alright in there?” He smirked. 

“The stitches still haven’t dissolved and I stabbed myself. I’m okay I promise but I’m still not-”

Andre stroked the crown of my head and bent forward to kiss my cheek. “Camila, I know how much pain you’re still in.” He began. 

Gulping down the slight formation of bile I looked him in the eye. 

“I care about your health and well-being beyond my sexual needs and desires. I care about your sexual needs and desires before mine, you know that too. I was there behind you, watching you bring this little boy in the world. Meaning that I will never forget how difficult it must’ve been for you. We will get back to our old selves in time. I’m not rushing nor am I growing impatient.” 

I felt the corners of my mouth turn up. “Thank you for all that you do. Your patience and commitment is unmatched.” I said genuinely. 

If I want to have a healthy state of mind I’ve got to refocus. With Andre taking unexpected time off to be home with Jorden, this is the break I need to reinvent Camila Maree. 

#maree ff #maree ff outtakes