#maybe my baseline is like..... intelligent not dumb

[inkofamethyst]

March 1, 2024

Hard to believe spring break is so close.

Yesterday I met with my advisor with the main goal of having him help me flesh out my question and experimental methods for a project in a class I'm taking. I presented an idea based on data I knew I had access to and based on a past dissertation and he was like "Yeah, that's probably not an analysis that'd fly today. You're going to have to think more about your question and methods," which, I mean I was expecting some tweaking but not that. And so I was a bit stunned and he ultimately helped me through gave me the key to a method I could use for the class but like,,,,, I felt like he looked at me so expectantly in that moment and I just didn't know how to respond to what he was asking for and, honestly? it made me feel kind of dumb.

Let's talk about that.

So covid kind of sucked for me in a lot of ways, but if there was one positive thing that came out of covid it was an increased value in myself and a decreased urge to compare myself to others. When you only have you sitting in your room doing your work for months and months, not really interacting with anybody else, you become real focused on you. And I found that it was fine, actually. Far less stressful than when I'd been comparing myself to others all the time through middle and high school (and my first semester of college). I found value and satisfaction in being content with my own path. And it felt like a huge weight had been lifted.

However. Since I try so hard not to compare myself to others/immediately counter any comparisons with "well, there are reasons why they are there and why I am here", it becomes difficult to establish a baseline of performance. I know I'm not the most intelligent/brilliant in my cohort, and that's fine for me, I think. I'm younger and less experienced than they are, generally. But I also know that the expectations of PhD students here are, well, high? Like faculty are expecting a higher caliber of student, and that's just the truth. But I don't know if my.. shortcomings when it comes to ~thinking scientifically~ are expected or if I am sitting below expectations.

And I talked to my photo-friend about this last night (among other things, Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil being one of them (I've never played RE nor do I know who that man is but wowza what a showoff, what a hottie)) and it's like, it's not something I really want to ask my advisor because I don't think I could handle it if he went "yeah you've been a bit of a disappointing investment". Maybe I should ask the second year in my lab. I know she said she didn't feel like she was fully with it until the end of her first summer. Planning to put in a lot of hours to get there this summer, I think (maybe while doing three-day weekends tho, or taking a midweek day off? idk i'll ask my postdoc).

So that sucked. In all fairness I knew that the Asking a Question part of science was going to be the hardest for me to pick up. I mean this could also just be me putting thoughts into other people's heads which is something I've been known to do.

Anyway I also lost my phone today. Took a bus back from a class, and it slipped out of my womanly small pocket. Freaked out for a bit even though I knew it could realistically only be in one of two places (FindMy was off on the device for some reason?!?!?!), the bus or that previous classroom, but the bus and driver for that route was switched out between the time I got off and the next time it came 'round. Anyway I facetimed my mom on my ipad to let her know then went to my next class because it was a section I couldn't really miss, and then my mom emailed me that the transit dept had found it and was holding on to it for me because--get this--she'd called my phone earlier because I asked her to check if it would buzz in my bag. The transit office checked her number against my emergency numbers, saw they were the same, and called her to let her know they had it <3 Took a trip to pick it up after class and the people were so sweet :)

Insane how many issues losing it could've caused though. Love a happy ending!!!

Today I'm thankful I didn't fully lose my phone! Love these trousers but wish they had better pockets. This isn't the first time my phone has slipped out of them.

[edgarbright]

King of Spades Harr AU Headcanons

Shout out to @spades-and-hearts for a splendid edit of Harr as the King of Spades! It was love at first sight for me! This post isn’t even fully inclusive of all the things I would want from this AU but it’s a start~

There is also Harlance here because that’s just how I function and also King Romance is way too good to ignore. Although of course this AU could play out as just friendship. The baseline is that Lancelot and Harr care about each other and they are always working towards the same goal and I don’t want it any other way.

Becoming a Soldier

Harr still escapes the Magic Tower at 16 and is exiled by the King of Hearts

He still lives in the Forbidden Forest for 4 years

Picks up a stray cat along the way

At 20, he calls upon Sirius and Lancelot and that doesn’t go well

But Harr knows what’s up with the King of Hearts and the Tower

Wanted Exile Wizard Man Harr showing up at the Black Army HQ and declares he wants to join

Throws the army for a FRENZY

They try to capture him/knock him out on their doorstep

But Harr has magic and they do not, and he makes a wicked show of it

And he says he needs their help to overcome the Red Army

WELL WHY DIDN’T HE SAY SO SOONER! Anyone who is against the Red Army is good in their books so sure, you’re in, buddy!

Also no one can remember WHY the Black Army followed a decree made by the King of Hearts. Wasn’t Harr wanted for trying to overthrow the King of Hearts? Or assassinate him? GOOD! (F*ck you, King of Hearts!)

Harr never really gets comfortable with guns or swords or fists or, like, following orders

Harr is too much of an independent worker to be an outstanding unit soldier, but his reputation as being both smart and magical proceeds him

(He’s not actually in this to wage war with the Red Army but they don’t have to know that just yet)

Being in the army gives him a safe place to hide

Still wary about the Tower coming for him but they seem to have lost track of him...

Loki, who is just a kid, continues to be in Harr’s care, just now closer to home

Loki subplot where his parents get their just rewards for selling off their kid and Loki gets some kind of inheritance

Harr lives in the barracks at Black Army HQ but now Loki and he have an actual house, and Harr gets to stay there/visit when he has leave

Harr doing all his magical research/planning and training Loki in magic at the house because the barracks aren’t very private

King of Spades

Harr becomes King because the Black Army’s hierarchy is based on POWER and he has MAGIC

Also once Lancelot becomes King of Hearts, the Black Army want a magical King of Spades too! (F*ck you, King of Hearts! You’re not special!)

So Harr miraculously makes it to KING OF SPADES on some weird, convoluted popular vote

The comedy of a shy king OK

He’s all into his war speech, determined to do what must be done, being crazy intelligent and informative and a little long-winded about who they are fighting (everyone is SUPER INTO IT) and then... he comes to a stop... (something throws him... something dumb) and he goes quiet, and everyone is on the edge of their seats. What’s next? What is it?? And he’s not looking them in the eye anymore and just

“...We should head out then.”

You can hear the crickets

Please save him he wasn’t trained for this

Harr, once king, loses MAJOR POINTS when it’s revealed he doesn’t think the Red Army is their true enemy

But he gains some back because he is ALL for the Freedom Soars on Raven Wings life. He IS fighting for freedom--but freedom against something he won’t tell them outright (and that’s freedom against the Magic Tower)

But he’s already in the top seat and he has magic and no one can do anything about overthrowing him now

He also does right by them--Harr is just brash enough that the Black Army don’t feel stifled by his careful treading

Luka is 2 years younger and it takes him a while to make it to Jack, and he’s another shy boy but his shyness is different than Harr’s so it’s bad but not too bad.

Luka as Harr’s sword, because Harr is also limited in his magic use despite being the most powerful wizard in Cradle

Luka knows what it’s like to have a grudge against the Red Army (read: Jonah + Clemence family). He doesn’t know what Harr is aiming for when hinting that the Red Army isn’t their true enemy.

Some trust issues between Luka and Harr? Luka won’t forgive Red Territory while Harr hints that he wants to.

Ray is 3 years younger than Harr so it takes awhile before he appears in the Black Army, but he’s going to make it Queen all the same and he’s going to do it REAL quick. Maybe even makes it to Queen before Luka gets to Jack.

King and Queen work well together, although now it’s the King telling the Queen to hold off on the fighting

With Ray as Queen, now he really can go wild with Fenrir on the front lines~

Harr doesn’t know of Seth’s connections to the tower. Seth has a special role in all of this, playing both sides.

Harr is a public figure now. The threat from the Tower is real.

In this AU Sirius joins the Black Army MUCH later. As in when Lancelot and Harr are being idiot kings, and Sirius sees that he might gain access to one of them (Harr).

All that nonsense from my past post regarding Sirius running his flower shop and quitting it to join the army proper and fight the war. Harr isn’t pleased, but he’s not very good at telling Sirius off, and maybe it’s not so bad having Sirius around to baby-brother him a little...

Harr is doing his best but there is A Lot going on

Two Kings

Give me those Garden Tea Parties!!!!!

Harr and Lancelot sitting across from another

The bickering of the rest of the officers while Lancelot and Harr are throwing out riddled speech

Harr won’t reveal Lancelot is in cohorts with the Magic Tower in front of everyone, but he won’t back down from fighting against Lancelot and the Red Army if he must

It’s in these instances where the Black Army officers DELIGHT in King of Spades Harr -- Harr gives as good as he takes vs Lancelot

And yet Harr insists they have a mutual enemy but that continues to not win him popularity with the Black OR Red sides lmao

Lancelot gazes out at everyone with cold, empty eyes -- but over time his eyes are anything but when he looks at Harr

Lancelot thinks Harr becoming King of Spades is ridiculous -- he’s angry Harr is putting a target on his back for the Tower like this

When the officers leave in suited pairs, Harr and Lancelot are left alone in the Garden

Left alone for however long they want or need

Unless Amon is spying but they can tell because Magic

Over time, they learn to speak more freely, but they are in a stalemate

Harr wants Lancelot to either work with him or step down

Lancelot wants Harr to just step down, but then Lancelot knows more about what Amon is plotting than Harr does

And then they learn to use their stalemate as a way to put a hold on Amon’s schemes

Lancelot is still attacked indirectly by Amon, per canon

Harr finds himself caught in bad situations too and it’s even more draining for him because his army barely has any Magic Crystals to begin with.

The Tower doesn’t want to sell them to his army when he’s King.

It’s all on him, most powerful wizard or no.

Considering these attacks against Harr are made to look like they are coming from the Red Army, they help the Black Army rally around Harr more than ever

Lancelot is acutely furious at Amon when he finds out about the King of Spades being targeted -- Amon plays the “I’m just helping you against a strong foe” card.

Amon using a frustratingly good argument that once Lancelot defeats Harr, he can have Harr and the Black Army both. “Wouldn’t it be nice to have Harr in Red Territory with you?”

Lancelot knows Amon wants Harr back for the Magic Tower, that Amon might actually take a weakened Harr out from under him if the chance arises, but he is no position to call Amon’s bluff

Amon can’t really go after Harr without breaking part of his deal with Lancelot, which is a fragile shield to keep Harr protected

The tour de force: HARR USING HIS POSITION SO LANCELOT CAN VISIT THE SEA

This is the breaking point for Lancelot RIP Sweet King although he had lost long before this but now his heart is officially softened by that blue horizon and the salt air and sound of waves and Harr’s unassuming smile, because Harr had wanted to give Lancelot the sea maybe more than Lancelot wanted it, and that’s beautiful

Harr’s troubled heart is also softened to see Lancelot’s pure, wide-eyed wondered. Maybe Lancelot reaches out to him and just RIP another Sweet King

King of Spades and King of Hearts romance ensues

Give me those private moments in the Garden

Give me them secretly visiting each other and conspiring together and the shenanigans which ensues

(Lancelot seeing the small size of a Black Army bathroom for the first time: You live like this?)

All the while Amon must be defeated and their two armies need to learn to stop clawing at each other but gdi Cradle is built on Red vs Black throwing stones and it’s going to take awhile to fix this

But where before they fought alone, now there are two of them

#my ikerev #ikerev headcanons #lancelot kingsley #harr silver #harlance #king of spades harr au #ikerev au #when i say rambling i mean rambling #i legit wrote 95% of this like 3 weeks ago but here we go!!!

[mjalti]

I don't care about what other people think about me, seriously. I'm intelligent, but I'm also incredibly "chill" and easy-going, as well as weird/funny/goofy mostly, but I know and don't care that some people assume that I'm dumb. What I do care about, however, is that some people I've realized don't give me a certain baseline level of respect that I think all humans deserve? Like call me an idiot, even after I've made it clear I don't like such terms, or like, think I'll accept any (1)

Negative treatment because I'm "chill" and smile a lot, whatever. How can I have conversations with people, other than "stop using words like that, it's rude and uncool" because it doesn't really work (just censors words, not their treatment of me), and just generally be respected? Like a human? I don't want to change my personality, but I think I have to be more vocal about the things I want from people maybe? Am I doing something wrong, or should I say/do something specifically? (2)

you cant fix Stupid honey if someone isnt respecting ur boundaries, it’s time for consequences. “i will leave this room right now if you continue to use that language with me. i have told you before it is unacceptable and you need to grow up.” “can you repeat what you said without using the word > or do you need me to walk you through how to be a decent human being” im not a nice person, im a kind person, but i am not nice when my boundaries are being disrespected. this isnt a “change” to your personality, this is a direct reaction due to someone’s actions.

#qnotqueue #Anonymous

[biayahlife]

The Importance of Recognizing One’s Love Language in Regard to Resolving Conflict

So I’m struggling with self confidence right now because I work with a woman who makes me feel like I did when I was abused. She’s nice and funny sometimes but most of the time she makes me feel small and stupid. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt for a long while because maybe she was just having a bad time. Maybe she was just a mean person who didn’t understand how her demeanor affected people. Maybe she genuinely meant well but has no awareness of her tone and speech. Yesterday she actively gaslit me and that’s it. I can’t ignore the fact that she’s making me feel small and stupid, and that the behavior I’m starting to exhibit is what happened when I was with two of my exes, where I felt like nothing was good enough and I was dumb and incapable of doing the right thing and that I had to constantly defer to my abuser for any sort of affirmation or confirmation that I’m good enough.

I will not rely on her “approval” to make my days good. I am good, I am strong, I am intelligent, and I’m capable of learning how to do all the varied tasks that I’m expected to do here at this company. 

I miss having people reaffirm that I’m good enough. I’m realizing that words of affirmation may be my strongest love language. I gain a lot of warm comfort from people telling me that I’m doing a good job, that I’m a good person, that I’m kind and thoughtful, that I’m capable and competent. I enjoy being told how attractive I am, both physically and mentally. I like having my hard work acknowledged and being recognized for my efforts. 

I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for words of affirmation. I know that it’s not the strongest love language that the people around me demonstrate but there’s nothing wrong with asking for help, and that’s what I need right now. I’ve noticed that recently I’ve been saying things about myself that aren’t true, like my opinions are dumb and invalidating activities that I enjoy. That’s not fair to myself. I’m worried that the experiences I’m having at my place of employment are undermining all the hard work I’ve done over the years to feel confident in myself and my abilities. I’m worried that the experiences I’m having are undermining the difficult work I’ve done to love the physical vessel that my soul resides in. This summer I could look at my naked body and my naked face and feel attractive and feel love toward myself and I’ve shrunk away from that this last month. That’s not what I want. 

This is definitely not what I anticipated coming into this employment position. I knew that learning new things and starting a new job would be difficult as I have perfectionist tendencies, but this is a whole new level of frustration. I am learning how to do marketing. I am learning how to do social media for a small business. I am learning how to deal with online security and teaching others how to do so as well while I learn. I am expected to coach the sales team on how to use social media effectively for B2B sales. Who am I to be able to teach anyone how to use social media effectively? Like… I get it. I’m a millennial which makes me a tech native. I’m relatively comfortable with social media, and I’m working on this blog with Miayah so I have a baseline understanding of how to use social media but this is most certainly not what I have studied in the past. That being said, I’m not getting any encouragement at work. No one has recognized how difficult this has been to make happen from the ground up. I’ve done project management before but this is a whole new level of frustration because no one talks to anyone around here but honestly I don’t blame them. Every time you try to talk to my difficult coworker, and she’s the one everyone has to talk to, it’s a super unpleasant experience. Of course no one wants to communicate. Who wants to feel small and stupid?

I am angry and frustrated and these are valid emotions, however I need to make sure that I’m not turning them against myself. It’s easy to turn them against myself because of old habits established during times I was abused, a time when I always asked “what did I do wrong here, what can I do better?” when in fact it was my abuser that gaslit me into thinking that I was the one who’d caused issues. 

I am still new here. These are my first projects and the first time I’ve interacted with these guidelines on how to enter things into an accounting system that I’m absolutely not familiar with. Any reasonable person would be patient and kind while giving guidance on how to navigate these unfamiliar waters but instead I’m getting condescension and annoyance.

So what’s the answer? What to do in this situation?

First: Accept that my coworker is not going to change. This eliminates the desire to have an all out verbal brawl with her. Being vulnerable with her is a ticket to being ground down further. Attempting to appeal to her humanity is a waste of breath. Accept that no matter how well or poorly I’m doing I’ll be subjected to the same sort of abuse and belittling; this will permit me to let go of finding an action plan that involves attempting to change another person. As a woman it’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to be the fixer, the mediator, the one that has to change to make things go smoothly and wasting my energy to do that is futile.

Second: Affirm with myself that I’m good, I’m smart, I’m attractive, I’m compelling, and I matter. Remind myself that I don’t need external validation to exist as a whole and strong human being. Write down affirmations that reinforce these facts and say them daily. 

Third: Reach out to friends and family for help and encouragement. I’ve recognized that I need words of affirmation much more frequently than I’m currently receiving them, and telling the people that love you what you need is 100% acceptable. People that care for you want to make you feel good. People that are in your inner circle will do whatever they can to lift you up and empower you. Asking for help is not a detriment to my life, it is in fact a way to bolster my existence. 

Fourth: Find an appropriate place to vent as I recognize my anger. It’s not helpful to hold onto the fury that I feel or try to squish it down so I don’t feel it. I must sit with my emotions and feel the anger completely. Where is it in my body? Are my shoulders tense? Is my back hunched? Are my fists clenched? What can I relax as I recognize the tension? Is the anger helping me accomplish anything? Talk this out with a therapist, a close friend, or a trusted family member. Don’t burden myself with holding onto the anger and stewing. Be aware that if I am venting to a family member or friend I should ask first if they have the capacity to speak about an emotionally charged situation and if they do, clarify whether I want advice or for them just to listen. This will help clear up any misunderstandings I could potentially have during the conversation with my loved one. 

Fifth: Engage in an activity outside of work that permits me to completely forget about the daily conflicts. Tap into a hobby, like drawing, that makes me feel powerful and good. Watch the stars and reconnect with nature. Have a cup of tea and think about what puppies would look like if they had rainbow tails. My work isn’t my identity or life. I work to live, not live to work. This coworker has nothing to do with the fulfillment and enjoyment I get from the rest of my life outside of the 40 hours sitting at a desk. 

With the five steps I’ve laid out here I feel confident that I’ll be able to implement my own advice this month and come out on the other side happier and more fulfilled. 

When you feel overwhelmed, what love language do you tap into to recover? Do any of these steps resonate with you?