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#nobody is ordering your food via telegram
guinevereslancelot · 1 year
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the problem with completing tasks for money is not the task. it's dealing with the person who needs you to do the task in the first place
#never make a webbed site for an old person#i did it for free for my moms friend bc i made on for myself and it was easy#but that was when i was the customer#i just spent way too long on the phone trying to get an old person to provide basic information abt her email#she doesn't know her email address or password#i ended up making her a new one to use for the website#she hasn't tried to log in yet but i can only hope she can manage that and take over the website from here#but i doubt it#if she cant get a grip on this im going to be running this woman's entire business for her i hate it here#she spent the whole time complaining and acting like i was being unreasonable#she didn't even want a website she thinks her customers are dumb for wanting one#ma'am it is 2023 people want to do things online#nobody is ordering your food via telegram#when my mom volunteered me i was like ok i will do it for free bc its this particular friend of yours#but if u offer my services to anyone else they better be paying me#and then when i was done i was like ok even for money i would not do that again#she was sooo difficult i lowkey don't like her now lol#like ma'am i am doing this for u and your struggling business for free you could at least be nice lol#anyway#the stress of trying to help an old person with an email. for free 😞🔫#the task is easy but the customer is difficult#do not be lured in by the promise of an easy task#ask yourself: why can't this person complete the easy task by themselves#anyway google is evil but google sites is very easy to use#but at what cost#this has been a shitpost#she's not even that old#my mom could have done this sp i assumed she could#i wrongly thought if she can handle running a business she can run the website if i make it for her she's smart 🤡#now i see why none of her five kids volunteered to do this
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bitcoin24on · 6 years
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BTCPay is a Better (and Cheaper) BitPay, Says Core Developer Nicolas Dorier
Bitcoinist spoke with Bitcoin Core developer Nicolas Dorier who explains why BTCPay is not only a cheaper alternative to BitPay but also provides merchants and users with more control over their funds.
What is BTCPay?
BTCPay Server is an open-source payment processor that conforms to the invoice API of Bitpay. This allows easy migration of your code base to your own self-hosted payment processor. According to BTCPay, the service would be a good choice for you if:
You currently use Bitpay as a payment processor but worry about their commitment to Bitcoin in the future;
You want to be in control of your own funds;
Bitpay compliance team decided to reject your application;
You want lower fees (we support Segwit);
You want to become a payment processor yourself and offer BTCPay-hosted solution to merchants;
You want to support another currency than those offered by Bitpay.
Bitcoin itself is decentralized, but payment processors are not […]. BTCPay is a way out.
Bitcoinist: What is BTCPay? Is it open-source and how much does it cost?
Nicolas Dorier (ND): BTCPay is multi-tenant open-source payment processor, backward compatible with Bitpay API. It means that it is a payment processor which can be used to provide payment processing to multiple merchants.
The cost depends on what you choose to host it (can be hosted by any by linux or windows).
A typical cloud hosting (AWS or Azure) should be around $20 USD of computing power per month and $40 USD of storage (mainly for the blockchain) per month.
The $40 USD of storage will drop significantly to around $5 USD with Jonas Schnelli work on BIP159 (NODE_NETWORK_LIMITED). One install can support multiple merchants and multiple stores. 
I created a one-click install for Azure users.
Bitcoinist: Why did you decide to work on this project?
ND: During the B2X debacle, Bitpay decided to force its customers to follow B2X chain. I advised lots of people to use Bitpay (and Copay) in the past. And those merchants were definitively not happy with Bitpay making the decision on what their businesses will consider to be Bitcoin.
Since then, we again saw Bitpay acting against the interest of its merchants by not migrating to segwit (externalizing this cost as “Network Fee” to their merchants) and temporarily raising the minimum invoice to $100 USD suddenly.
Bitcoin itself is decentralized, but payment processors are not, and they use their comfortable position to abuse its customers. BTCPay is a way out.
Bitcoinist: What are the biggest differences between BTCPay and BitPay?
ND: BTCPay can be hosted by yourself. This means that you are in control of the full node. Nobody can force you about what version of Bitcoin to accept.
The API of BTCPay is exactly the same as Bitpay (outside of the URL where to send the invoice requests).
It makes migration from Bitpay easy. BTCPay can easily fork all open-source plugins developed by Bitpay or its community and adapt them with minimum change to work with BTCPay. This is what we did for Woocommerce plugin. Other plugins will be supported on demand.
We will probably not support BCH (except if BCH community makes a clean, TESTED pull request).
Litecoin will soon be supported. Changelly integration is on the roadmap. It will be possible to pay an invoice in several cryptocurrencies. Lightning Network is on the roadmap as well. BTCPay will use an “x/zpub” to generate invoice addresses. This can be retrieved from your own Electrum wallets, Trezor or Ledger easily.
BTCPay never has access to the funds of your wallet and does not require it to be online, it can only generate addresses.
Because BTCPay is open-source and self-hosted, there is no support for fiat conversion at the moment. However, there is a plan for support of a standard to allow any exchange to become fiat provider to a BTCPay merchant through the COX protocol.
I saw lots of interest among some exchanges about this idea.
Bitcoinist: Can anyone just use the code to process their own payments and avoid BitPay?
ND: Yes, BTCPay is entirely open-source. Unless you need fiat conversion, you can bypass BitPay. (If you need fiat conversion, see above about the COX protocol in the roadmap.)
Bitcoinist: Why should merchants choose BTCPay over legacy processors?
ND:  Because other open-source payment processors seriously suck and do not work. Some merchants migrating to BTCPay already tried the other alternatives thinking they were more mature…no. One may use another centralized payment processor, but will likely put their business at the mercy of arbitrary decisions once again.
Bitcoinist: How tech-savvy do merchants have to be? Must they download the source code or is there an option to sign up for a hosted service?
ND: If the merchant is tech savvy, he can host by himself. If he is a bit tech savvy but not too much, he can host by himself via the one-click deploy on Azure. 
If the merchant is not at all tech savvy, a third party would be able to host a BTCPay instance and make merchants pay for using the service monthly. (I might do that myself for free if nobody does.)
One BTCPay instance can host multiple merchants with multiple stores, so the host is not necessarily the merchant himself.
Bitcoinist: How much interest have you received from merchants so far?
ND: Quite a lot of questions about this new service, and some who already jumped ship and use it in production like cryptoasylum.com (and soon coincards.ca).
I developed Bitpay integrations for customers in the past; I am slowly migrating them (eating my own dog food.) My “thumb in the wind” estimation of the current volume is between 10 and 50 invoices per day; double next month.
Lot’s on interest coming from Litecoin community, so I think new merchants will jump the ship soon. And even more once Lightning Network is supported.
Bitcoinist: Would such a service mitigate fees, given the recent sharp rise in Bitcoin tx costs recently?
ND: Yes it will. The service supports segwit, saving around 40% of fee per transaction.
Second, Bitpay considers an invoice “invalid” after 1H if not confirmed. This means the buyer need to add large fees or the invoice will be canceled, which need even more transaction to refund the customer.
BTCPay lets the merchant decide. The merchant will see the invoice as “paid” when receiving the unconfirmed transaction. The invoice will be “confirmed” after 1 or 6 confirmations (merchant setting). If the first confirmation takes too much time to come, the invoice will become “invalid” after whatever timeout the merchant wants to configure.
Bitcoinist: Why did you decide to support Litecoin as well?
ND: I work on Litecoin as merchants need an alternative before Lightning is ready. Litecoin has a competent development team and shorter confirmation time making it attractive for small payment on-chain.
It also supports Segwit, meaning some interesting scenarios will be possible once I add Lightning Network support. Like cross atomic swap between merchants so they can accept Bitcoin payment, but receive Litecoin instead without passing by an exchange.
I am not against supporting other altcoins (BCH included), given they are smart enough to look at how Litecoin support is implemented as an example and do the same for themselves.
I will not work on it directly, but I would need to the guess the next altcoin after Litecoin to be supported by BTCPay, it might be Stratis: they have a team very familiar with NBitcoin and .NET Core development, this is likely a 2-3 days worth of work for them.
I will also work on Changelly integration so that any currency supported by Changelly will be supported indirectly by BTCPay.
Bitcoinist: What kind of benefits would Lightning Network integration bring to payment processing?
ND: Lightning Network will provide instant transactions nearly for free.
This unlocks interesting things like instant cross atomic swaps. So the merchant can instantly exchange his LTC against BTC upon receiving the invoice.
In the case of integration to exchanges, it means that a merchant can propose BTC payment to his customer, and immediately sending part of his BTC on an exchange and place a market sell order.
Most of the volatility risk disappear as the time between when the payment is received and the sell order is placed is near zero. The only volatility risk remaining is between the creation of the invoice and its payment. The 15 min in Bitpay will be configurable in BTCPay.
All of that without any trusted third party holding his cryptocurrency. This is quite exciting.
Bitcoinist: Thanks for your insight. Anything you would like to add?
ND: Thanks to DG Lab and Metaco, which support my work on BTCPay. Thanks to my girlfriend for the awesome design. Thanks to the community and support everybody show. Thanks to Bitcoin for taking care of me.
Join us on Slack: http://ift.tt/2oZWcEE
Join us on Twitter: https://twitter.com/BtcpayServer
Join us on GitHub: http://ift.tt/2vONxVv
Join us on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpG9WL6TJuoNfFVkaDMp9ug
If you want to play around on testnet: http://ift.tt/2xzFqgc
There is very exciting time ahead for Bitcoin. I think we’ll look at 2018 as being the year where Bitcoin really takes off!
Can BTCPay become a better service than current processors? Let us know your thoughts below! 
Images courtesy of Shutterstock, Twitter
The post BTCPay is a Better (and Cheaper) BitPay, Says Core Developer Nicolas Dorier appeared first on Bitcoinist.com.
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trendingnewsb · 7 years
Text
8 Stories That Show Exactly How The Media Hates Millennials
Somebody has to stop the millennial killing spree before it’s too late and the only thing we’re left with is social media and avocados and- oh god, they’re killing those too. But wait, there doesn’t seem to be any logic to millennial behavior. How can they both be the generation with the worst manners, but also obsessed with political correctness and not offending anyone? Why, it’s almost as if these headlines directly contradict one another, because the whole thing is a crock of artisanal horseshit …
8
Millennials Are Obsessed With Drinking, But Also Drinking Way Less Than Previous Generations
Millennials are heavy drinkers. According to The Tennessean, they make up a disproportionate percentage of alcohol buyers, and they splurge on the good stuff.
And oh boy do millennials love wine. Bustle reports that millennials buy so much of it that they’re changing the industry. Humans have been drinking wine for 8,000 years, but it took women in their 20s posting about it on Facebook to take it to the next level. Why do they love wine so much? USA Today argues that it might be because it’s the healthiest of alcoholic beverages, and the increased heart health quiets the demons after three glasses.
Or wait, actually, millennials aren’t drinking as much as previous generations. This Forbes article (named “Millennials Gone Mild” *fart noise*) tells of bars and nightclubs closing en masse, as millennials prefer to go out to sober events like “juice crawls,” or stay home altogether. The author goes on to say “Over the past few years, Millennials have started identifying as ‘grandmas’ and ‘grandpas’ when they stay in for the night — a lifestyle choice revered by most members of ‘Generation Yawn.'” Somebody revoke this man’s word license.
Oh, and millennials couldn’t afford to drink, even if they wanted to. Business Insider has concluded that they’re also killing the beer industry. Even wine sales have flatlined.
So millennials are obsessed with drinking, particularly high-quality alcohol, to the point where the industry is changing to accommodate them. But at the same time, they’re not drinking as much as previous generations, because they can’t afford it and they’re all doing sober juice crawls wherein they butt-chug ginger shots, causing bars to spontaneously explode. They’re drinking less beer, but record amounts of wine, but also wine consumption hasn’t increased in the past year. Why can’t they drink exactly the right amount?
7
Millennials Don’t Vote, But They’re Voting For All The Wrong People
This Big Think article starts with “Hey, you. Yes, you. Millennials. Stop twerking for a second and listen up.” That’s a sure way to gain the respect of your reader! The piece goes on to argue that millennials don’t vote because politicians don’t represent their interests. They go on to say that millennial voter apathy is because they have “no faith in populism,” a claim so powerfully wrong that many of your eyes have just rejected it outright. But the core of what it’s saying is correct, right? Millennials don’t vote because nobody represents them. Otherwise, they’d be passionate.
The Wall Street Journal thinks millennials are passionate about voting, but that they’re misdirecting their passion. Young people gravitated toward Sanders and Trump in the last presidential election, which was against their own best interests, the paper argues. Both of their economic policies would be bad for long-term growth, which millennials would know if they’d stop asking for “free stuff” long enough to read a goddamn book. So millennials don’t vote because nobody appeals to them, but when they do, it’s because the wrong people are appealing to them. Gotcha.
6
Millennials Are Too Involved In Their Children’s Lives, But Also Not Involved Enough
Millennials are the new “helicopter parents,” hovering over their children and providing exciting aerial footage of all their most precious police chases. According to Elite Daily, millennial parents will supervise all of their children’s interactions, preventing them from developing a sense of creativity. And they’ll fix any problem their child has, depriving them of the chance to fix it themselves. Millennials are smothering their children.
Alternatively, if we check in with ABC, we find that millennials are too focused on “me time.” Their parenting style is vastly different from the helicopter parents of previous generations. Their children lack structure and supervision because they’re too busy Snapchatting their Instagrams. The article also weirdly states that “Millennial Moms are 21 percent less likely to send a thank-you note via postal mail.” And why aren’t these goddamn kids sending singing telegrams anymore?
5
Millennials Don’t Work, But Are Also Poisoning Their Companies With Their Workaholism
Millennials are more stressed out about their jobs than other generations. Glamour reported that they are too occupied with their careers, their only goals being to “get a new job with better benefits, more pay, better hours, and more work-life balance, as well as work that was more intrinsically rewarding.” Truly, this is unheard-of stuff.
Wait a minute, it turns out millennials want material things, but aren’t willing to work for them. The Miami Herald says that millennials won’t take a job that’s too hard, and they refuse to work overtime. “Stay an extra two hours at my job as a mattress nap tester? Who do you think I am, the Wolf of Wall Street?”
But The Herald also claims that millennials are “work martyrs,” the hardest-working people in the workforce. They refuse to take their allotted vacation time because they’re too goddamn addicted to working. If only these job-stressed, lazy work martyrs could take a week off, they’d learn how a real adult handles their job — by drinking schnapps in their car during lunch and writing about millennials twice a week.
4
Millennials Blow Too Much Money, But Are Killing Whole Industries By Not Spending Money
A BankRate study found that millennials are spending way too much going out to eat. They go to Starbucks too often, and have large bar tabs (except when they don’t). All these little expenses add up and eat into the money they should be saving for retirement.
This irresponsibility has spread into other areas. This Is Money reports that in addition to ordering too many meals, millennials are overspending on expensive clothes. It looks like if these millennials don’t learn to go without spending money on frivolous things, they’ll never be able to support themselves.
Or wait, millennials are in fact to blame for the severe sales slump at chain restaurants like Applebee’s and TGI Fridays. This Business Insider article states, “Millennial consumers are more attracted than their elders to cooking at home, ordering delivery from restaurants, and eating quickly, in fast-casual or quick-serve restaurants.” Those monsters!
And it doesn’t stop with dining out. Millennials are also killing the motorcycle and diamond industries. CNBC hypothesizes that the slump in sales is due to millennials’ tendency to value experiences over material goods, that they “seek out experiences, such as vacations and concerts, that they can post about on social media.” Rest assured that it’s not because they’re broke and can’t burn tens of thousands of dollars on a shiny rock and a loud bike; it’s because they’re narcissistic and need to brag about their trip to Argentina on social media. Also, no one’s ever bragged about their diamond ring online, right guys?
3
Millennials Never Leave The House, But Are Also Everywhere (And That’s Awful)
The New York Post is worried about millennials. They spend too much time at home, leading to an upswing in depression. Instead of going out to the bar with their friends or meeting a date for coffee, they stay home and binge-watch TV. The Post warns of the emotional dangers of “Netflix and chill” — which, if you recall, was a euphemism for sex before the olds got to it.
And yet the same New York Post is mad that millennials are going out too much, railing against millennial “brunch culture” — that is, that millennials will go to restaurants to eat brunch. But wait, isn’t that good? Instead of killing restaurants? Not so fast — the problem the article has is that these goddamn kids will hog tables for hours and obnoxiously take pictures of their food instead of silently, angrily nursing a hangover, as God intended.
2
Millennials Hate Capitalism, Except When They Love Capitalism
National Review came out with the hottest take their scientists could engineer, combining every millennial stereotype into a super-take capable of triggering every lib, and perhaps killing male feminists outright. They argue that millennials dislike capitalism because they are ignorant of what it truly is (and that they like socialism for the same reason). They go on to say that capitalism doesn’t care for their puny gender or racial identities, which scares millennials right into Bernie Sanders’ arms.
Meanwhile, The American Spectator is too busy dunking on progressives to buy into the myth that millennials hate capitalism. Capitalism brought them iPhones and Uber, the popularity of which proves millennials love the free market. They also go on to claim that millennials don’t know what socialism is, because that seems to be some sort of journalistic nervous tic.
1
Millennials Want Participation Trophies, But Also Youth Sports Are Way Too Intense Now
The Washington Post calls millennials the “Participation Trophy Generation,” participation trophies being the ultimate symbol of entitlement. We were so afraid of hurting any child’s feelings that we got rid of winners and losers, and now an entire generation is growing up unprepared for the competitive real world.
The Blaze Millennials: “Glenn Beck is ruining our grandparents.”
Glenn Beck’s rag The Blaze agrees, pining for the days when there was only one trophy, handed out to the winner, and those who came in third or lower were summarily executed.
The Federalist
The Federalist claims that millennials’ lust for participation trophies has bled into the workplace. They say that millennials, especially women, want promotions the same way they want trophies: whether they earned them or not. If only they weren’t babied so much at soccer games, maybe millennials would be better human beings. A competitive football game is what made the Greatest Generation great and the Baby Boomers boom, right?
This HuffPo article starts with “Youth sports: a chance to run around, play sports with friends and have fun … At least that’s how it used to be.” But now youth sports culture is so demanding and competitive that kids are emotionally and physically drained, with most dropping out by age 13.
Washington Post “Take it easy, kid. If you don’t get a trophy for losing, then we won’t get to spend a lifetime berating you for it.”
The consequences run even deeper, though. Sports are so intense now that kids are getting injured like never before. That comes from The Washington Post, the same people who coined the term “Participation Trophy Generation.”
Man, it’s almost like these writers just hate the younger generation because they’re trapped in old, failing bodies and growing increasingly irrelevant to society by the day. But that couldn’t be it. That’s too far-fetched. No, it is the avocado’s fault, surely …
David Klesh was born in 1980, but refuses to call himself a millennial. His writing has also appeared on the Faith Hope and Fiction blog. Dan Hopper is an editor for Cracked, previously for CollegeHumor and BestWeekEver.tv. He fires off consistent A-tweets at @DanHopp. Adam Schwallie has a Twitter, where he tweets in between destroying all of the industries that Baby Boomers hold near and dear to their hearts.
You know what Millenials aren’t killing? These dope Caribou Boots that you can use to continue to not kill industries with because that’s an unfair characterization of a generation of fun-loving people.
If you loved this article and want more like it, please support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page.
Also check out This Millennial Rant Deserves A Trophy For Being Most Wrong and 5 Reasons Millennials Should Destroy The Concept Of Marriage.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out How These ‘Entitled’ Millennials Want Jobs That ‘Pay,’ and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!
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0 notes
trendingnewsb · 7 years
Text
8 Stories That Show Exactly How The Media Hates Millennials
Somebody has to stop the millennial killing spree before it’s too late and the only thing we’re left with is social media and avocados and- oh god, they’re killing those too. But wait, there doesn’t seem to be any logic to millennial behavior. How can they both be the generation with the worst manners, but also obsessed with political correctness and not offending anyone? Why, it’s almost as if these headlines directly contradict one another, because the whole thing is a crock of artisanal horseshit …
8
Millennials Are Obsessed With Drinking, But Also Drinking Way Less Than Previous Generations
Millennials are heavy drinkers. According to The Tennessean, they make up a disproportionate percentage of alcohol buyers, and they splurge on the good stuff.
And oh boy do millennials love wine. Bustle reports that millennials buy so much of it that they’re changing the industry. Humans have been drinking wine for 8,000 years, but it took women in their 20s posting about it on Facebook to take it to the next level. Why do they love wine so much? USA Today argues that it might be because it’s the healthiest of alcoholic beverages, and the increased heart health quiets the demons after three glasses.
Or wait, actually, millennials aren’t drinking as much as previous generations. This Forbes article (named “Millennials Gone Mild” *fart noise*) tells of bars and nightclubs closing en masse, as millennials prefer to go out to sober events like “juice crawls,” or stay home altogether. The author goes on to say “Over the past few years, Millennials have started identifying as ‘grandmas’ and ‘grandpas’ when they stay in for the night — a lifestyle choice revered by most members of ‘Generation Yawn.'” Somebody revoke this man’s word license.
Oh, and millennials couldn’t afford to drink, even if they wanted to. Business Insider has concluded that they’re also killing the beer industry. Even wine sales have flatlined.
So millennials are obsessed with drinking, particularly high-quality alcohol, to the point where the industry is changing to accommodate them. But at the same time, they’re not drinking as much as previous generations, because they can’t afford it and they’re all doing sober juice crawls wherein they butt-chug ginger shots, causing bars to spontaneously explode. They’re drinking less beer, but record amounts of wine, but also wine consumption hasn’t increased in the past year. Why can’t they drink exactly the right amount?
7
Millennials Don’t Vote, But They’re Voting For All The Wrong People
This Big Think article starts with “Hey, you. Yes, you. Millennials. Stop twerking for a second and listen up.” That’s a sure way to gain the respect of your reader! The piece goes on to argue that millennials don’t vote because politicians don’t represent their interests. They go on to say that millennial voter apathy is because they have “no faith in populism,” a claim so powerfully wrong that many of your eyes have just rejected it outright. But the core of what it’s saying is correct, right? Millennials don’t vote because nobody represents them. Otherwise, they’d be passionate.
The Wall Street Journal thinks millennials are passionate about voting, but that they’re misdirecting their passion. Young people gravitated toward Sanders and Trump in the last presidential election, which was against their own best interests, the paper argues. Both of their economic policies would be bad for long-term growth, which millennials would know if they’d stop asking for “free stuff” long enough to read a goddamn book. So millennials don’t vote because nobody appeals to them, but when they do, it’s because the wrong people are appealing to them. Gotcha.
6
Millennials Are Too Involved In Their Children’s Lives, But Also Not Involved Enough
Millennials are the new “helicopter parents,” hovering over their children and providing exciting aerial footage of all their most precious police chases. According to Elite Daily, millennial parents will supervise all of their children’s interactions, preventing them from developing a sense of creativity. And they’ll fix any problem their child has, depriving them of the chance to fix it themselves. Millennials are smothering their children.
Alternatively, if we check in with ABC, we find that millennials are too focused on “me time.” Their parenting style is vastly different from the helicopter parents of previous generations. Their children lack structure and supervision because they’re too busy Snapchatting their Instagrams. The article also weirdly states that “Millennial Moms are 21 percent less likely to send a thank-you note via postal mail.” And why aren’t these goddamn kids sending singing telegrams anymore?
5
Millennials Don’t Work, But Are Also Poisoning Their Companies With Their Workaholism
Millennials are more stressed out about their jobs than other generations. Glamour reported that they are too occupied with their careers, their only goals being to “get a new job with better benefits, more pay, better hours, and more work-life balance, as well as work that was more intrinsically rewarding.” Truly, this is unheard-of stuff.
Wait a minute, it turns out millennials want material things, but aren’t willing to work for them. The Miami Herald says that millennials won’t take a job that’s too hard, and they refuse to work overtime. “Stay an extra two hours at my job as a mattress nap tester? Who do you think I am, the Wolf of Wall Street?”
But The Herald also claims that millennials are “work martyrs,” the hardest-working people in the workforce. They refuse to take their allotted vacation time because they’re too goddamn addicted to working. If only these job-stressed, lazy work martyrs could take a week off, they’d learn how a real adult handles their job — by drinking schnapps in their car during lunch and writing about millennials twice a week.
4
Millennials Blow Too Much Money, But Are Killing Whole Industries By Not Spending Money
A BankRate study found that millennials are spending way too much going out to eat. They go to Starbucks too often, and have large bar tabs (except when they don’t). All these little expenses add up and eat into the money they should be saving for retirement.
This irresponsibility has spread into other areas. This Is Money reports that in addition to ordering too many meals, millennials are overspending on expensive clothes. It looks like if these millennials don’t learn to go without spending money on frivolous things, they’ll never be able to support themselves.
Or wait, millennials are in fact to blame for the severe sales slump at chain restaurants like Applebee’s and TGI Fridays. This Business Insider article states, “Millennial consumers are more attracted than their elders to cooking at home, ordering delivery from restaurants, and eating quickly, in fast-casual or quick-serve restaurants.” Those monsters!
And it doesn’t stop with dining out. Millennials are also killing the motorcycle and diamond industries. CNBC hypothesizes that the slump in sales is due to millennials’ tendency to value experiences over material goods, that they “seek out experiences, such as vacations and concerts, that they can post about on social media.” Rest assured that it’s not because they’re broke and can’t burn tens of thousands of dollars on a shiny rock and a loud bike; it’s because they’re narcissistic and need to brag about their trip to Argentina on social media. Also, no one’s ever bragged about their diamond ring online, right guys?
3
Millennials Never Leave The House, But Are Also Everywhere (And That’s Awful)
The New York Post is worried about millennials. They spend too much time at home, leading to an upswing in depression. Instead of going out to the bar with their friends or meeting a date for coffee, they stay home and binge-watch TV. The Post warns of the emotional dangers of “Netflix and chill” — which, if you recall, was a euphemism for sex before the olds got to it.
And yet the same New York Post is mad that millennials are going out too much, railing against millennial “brunch culture” — that is, that millennials will go to restaurants to eat brunch. But wait, isn’t that good? Instead of killing restaurants? Not so fast — the problem the article has is that these goddamn kids will hog tables for hours and obnoxiously take pictures of their food instead of silently, angrily nursing a hangover, as God intended.
2
Millennials Hate Capitalism, Except When They Love Capitalism
National Review came out with the hottest take their scientists could engineer, combining every millennial stereotype into a super-take capable of triggering every lib, and perhaps killing male feminists outright. They argue that millennials dislike capitalism because they are ignorant of what it truly is (and that they like socialism for the same reason). They go on to say that capitalism doesn’t care for their puny gender or racial identities, which scares millennials right into Bernie Sanders’ arms.
Meanwhile, The American Spectator is too busy dunking on progressives to buy into the myth that millennials hate capitalism. Capitalism brought them iPhones and Uber, the popularity of which proves millennials love the free market. They also go on to claim that millennials don’t know what socialism is, because that seems to be some sort of journalistic nervous tic.
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Millennials Want Participation Trophies, But Also Youth Sports Are Way Too Intense Now
The Washington Post calls millennials the “Participation Trophy Generation,” participation trophies being the ultimate symbol of entitlement. We were so afraid of hurting any child’s feelings that we got rid of winners and losers, and now an entire generation is growing up unprepared for the competitive real world.
The Blaze Millennials: “Glenn Beck is ruining our grandparents.”
Glenn Beck’s rag The Blaze agrees, pining for the days when there was only one trophy, handed out to the winner, and those who came in third or lower were summarily executed.
The Federalist
The Federalist claims that millennials’ lust for participation trophies has bled into the workplace. They say that millennials, especially women, want promotions the same way they want trophies: whether they earned them or not. If only they weren’t babied so much at soccer games, maybe millennials would be better human beings. A competitive football game is what made the Greatest Generation great and the Baby Boomers boom, right?
This HuffPo article starts with “Youth sports: a chance to run around, play sports with friends and have fun … At least that’s how it used to be.” But now youth sports culture is so demanding and competitive that kids are emotionally and physically drained, with most dropping out by age 13.
Washington Post “Take it easy, kid. If you don’t get a trophy for losing, then we won’t get to spend a lifetime berating you for it.”
The consequences run even deeper, though. Sports are so intense now that kids are getting injured like never before. That comes from The Washington Post, the same people who coined the term “Participation Trophy Generation.”
Man, it’s almost like these writers just hate the younger generation because they’re trapped in old, failing bodies and growing increasingly irrelevant to society by the day. But that couldn’t be it. That’s too far-fetched. No, it is the avocado’s fault, surely …
David Klesh was born in 1980, but refuses to call himself a millennial. His writing has also appeared on the Faith Hope and Fiction blog. Dan Hopper is an editor for Cracked, previously for CollegeHumor and BestWeekEver.tv. He fires off consistent A-tweets at @DanHopp. Adam Schwallie has a Twitter, where he tweets in between destroying all of the industries that Baby Boomers hold near and dear to their hearts.
You know what Millenials aren’t killing? These dope Caribou Boots that you can use to continue to not kill industries with because that’s an unfair characterization of a generation of fun-loving people.
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