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datingadviceonreddit · 5 years

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This is my first post on reddit tho. I tried not to write so much but I did, the thing is I really need some advice cause he's been driving me crazy, I love him so soo much but I'll probably let him go due to my exhaustive useless efforts.AH, a little detail. He doesn't take any medications at all. He said he used to take until he was 16 or something, and then stopped cause it was making him worse instead of better. And he also had some issues with coke and pot addiction in his youth. And even when I met him, actually after a while, he showed me on video that he used to smoke a joint everyday after job, and also before sleeping. I myself am personally not into drugs, at that time, I only tried joint but I was terrible experiences, so I never did it again. But I was accepting him, just the way he was. And I never new of the existence of adult ADHD before, also.So, it begins with how we met. Super randomly, on instagram, July 2017, he found me and decided to message me (27F) because of a band we both (apparently) love (its maybe very clear in my username there). And we're both from completely different continents (europe and south america). We never talked much in the beginning, just basic stuff concerning our countries and musical taste. Later on we exchanged numbers, and started talking a lot by the end of September. We discovered that we have A TONE of similarities in SO MANY THINGS in our life, and a deep love for the universe and it's forces, that it was very scary and we started claiming we were soulmates. And also the very similar wishes in life, we clicked real good. In mid October we both realised that was becoming complicated, because we were falling in love.By that time, I was living in another state in my country, due to work, living in a shared apartment with other girlfriends. And he was working and living with his mom and older brother. At some point in October he opened up and said we should stop what was going on because he was actually seeing someone there and that was unfair with her, and also despite the fact that HELLO two different continents, and LDR's are complicated and stuff. But shortly after, I'd say one or two weeks, he was reaching me out again, saying he was too in love with me to ignore ''all the signs of the universe'', and he doesn't really loved the other girl to keep hooking up with her, so he was gonna stop seeing her and focus on me. I was not really seeing or interested in anyone and I was really loving the conversations with him, so I accepted it.By the end of December, we exchanged Christmas gifts, and he decided to buy a ticket to my country for the next year, cause in March we both were gonna have vacations. Ever since the beginning he was very attentive, and always send a lot of messages to me, with varied subjects, and he always loved to talk a lot (I loved having so much attention but I couldn't really do the same in my job) and he used to it even when he was working. We have built a really strong connection not only texting, but video-calling ALMOST EVERYDAY after both jobs (and 4 hours time gap).Closer to the day we were about to meet in-person, I was looking at his pictures on facebook and noticed something, call it stalking or not, but I observed it was not the first time he was gonna go to another continent for a 'love' match. He apparently dated a girl from USA before, and stayed there with her for the whole tourist visa period. This is something mentionable cause I asked him if he ever had a long-distance before and he very surely affirmed he never had it and he couldn't ever have it he thinks, cause he was someone very like "eye-to-eye". And said that what we were building was different because as soon as meeting personally and being sure of everything, we were gonna proceed other steps to be in the same continent together, no matter what. So... After my discover, I decided to talk with him about it and he was very comprehensive about my worries and said I got it all wrong, cause that was never really a serious relationship, he just wanted to visit USA and happened to have this "plus". Which doesn't look very fair cause in the girl`s media it seems like she was DEEPLY in love with him. I accepted his explanations but I kept it in mind, cause I'm a little paranoid maybe, but I started thinking he was a "trophy hunter". So I tried not to be so blindly in love, and just let it flow.So the time came to meet each other personally after 7 months online building all the feelings. We meet in the airport, and we were gonna go TO MY PARENTS HOUSE in another state, cause I always come to them when I have vacations, and thus there's a lot of beautiful nature, so we were gonna do some short travels (he was gonna stay for 2 weeks). And it was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, and never clicked so insanely good with anyone before, I was afraid of everything. We were great friends, great lovers, great travel partners, everything was good and some "universe signs" kept appearing to us, like some small coincidences, or seeing numbers repeatedly when being somewhere, etc. My parents are divorced, and he happened to meet the both of them, and they both liked him a lot, although they don't speak a word of english. At the end of the second week, it was devastating to say goodbye so fast. And I was leaving back to the state I work as well.Back to our routines, we were sure we wanted each other like we never wanted anyone before. And we started looking for possibilities to be together. I was missing him a lot but I was doing okay in my routine, as always. BUT HE.... He was desperate. He started sending me sad messages saying how much we was missing me and how much it was breaking his heart and making him sad. He even sent audio and video messages showing that he was desperately crying. And I felt profoundly sad but I couldn't do anything really but ask him to calm down, give all my support and tell him to maybe seek for professional help, cause he didn't need to be like that, we're adults, we just needed to commit and work hard for what we were desiring. So he was doing his best to stay okay... And in the second week, he said he decided to go visit a friend of him. A girl (22F) he also met on instagram and became super close, like `real brothers`, he said she was a lesbian and she was english, living together with her swiss girlfriend in Switzerland (7 hours drive from his home). So he was mostly willing to do it so he could drive (which makes him calm) and refresh his mind with something different, cause he was feeling very bad like in a tunnel with no light. SO then again... I accepted it.He went on Tuesday and he spent 3 days there. He was quite normal, always sharing what he was doing with me, only in my morning of Thursday, when he was preparing to go back home, he was answering me a little different than usual towards cuddling subjects. He said it nothing, he was okay, just hurrying up to drive back home. And while he was driving back, I in my country was still in my working hours. Then all of a sudden I receive a message from this girl he went to visit on my instagram... Saying I shouldn't believe people so easily, cause sometimes they show something they aren't... And that I shouldn't go visit Europe, cause I was gonna be disappointed and it's dangerous since I'm not from there to be with a "stranger"........ I asked her what the hell was that random message and wtf was she trying to tell me??? So she confessed they talked a lot, and happened to kiss. I WAS WORKING, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I WAS IN SHOCK. I told her how come could it happen, cause he told me she was lesbian living with her girlfriend.... THEN SHE WAS MAD AS WELL...... Cause she is just sharing a house with her best friend and her family also, cause she's a little lost in life and had problems with pot, so she was there spending some time to get better.So long story short, I wanted to breakup right away with him through the phone, and he said he was deeply sorry for not being clear with it, and that it just happened because they smoked pot and it makes him weak blablabla....... On the next day I was devastated on my job, I didn't even wanted to go. And that girl was still sending me messages of how unfair he was with the both of us, and she asked if I could have a break to join them in a voicecall.... I managed to get it.... Just to get to know, they also fucked in the family sofa. Enough. Despite all this shit, everything was weird on my job, there was a lot of new apprentices and no superior was giving me feedbacks this day. By the end of day... My boss calls me to go to his room, together with the Art Director, and guess what? I was fired. One of the best agencies I've always worked and I learned so much. MY DAY LITERALLY FELL APART.AND IT WAS A FUCKING FRIDAY THE 13TH. UNBELIEVABLE. WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.So my boyfriend was still waiting for me to go back home, "so he could explain everything himself". And when I told I was fired he was also -apparently- devastated. I have never been cheated on before, and the way everything happened was completely insane. I'm glad I had lovely girlfriends living with me, cause I was really having an anxiety attack for a few hours, and they covered me super good. So I had the decision of letting the beast talk to me, and I answered the phone. Summing up, he showed to be extremely devastated and destroyed by everything that happened and he was not expecting it cause I was so marvellous and kind to him that it was really unfair with me, and he said the least he could do was at least book a last-minute flight to come to my country and say sorry on my face. Let's also make it clear we're not rich and such decisions are very impulsively insane, lol. And then again I, the dumbest of them all, I was doubting he could make such a crazy act (I have NEVER dealt with ADHD in my life, so I had no clue what I was passing through), so I sort of dared him to do it. And he did. He booked a flight for the next day, but with the time gap, he was gonna arrive Sunday night. My girlfriends were all ready to punch him in the face if necessary, or even call the police.So I talked to him. He said she was inventing the sex part, cause she was trying to seduce him, she was high and touching herself, and when he was about to put it in, he realised he couldn't do it with his girlfriend. I NEVER TRULY BELIEVED IT.... BUT LETS CONTINUE.... I want to make it clear here again, that I was never cheated on before in my life. BUT, I do cheated on someone before, twice. And the person forgave me. Twice. You can see what's coming... Yeah, I sort of believe that everyone deserves a second chance. Although this international drama novel WAS TOO MUCH FOR MY HEAD. LOL. So, I do believe that if you do something wrong, the universe will make you pay at some point. I'm not sure I deserved such a mindfuck really, but I tried to see it like this, and he was insisting so much that we were 'chosen' to be together, that I AGAIN, ACCEPTED IT.He spent a week with me, and we had plenty of time to put everything clean, in the table. I wish employers in my country were as comprehensive tho, he spent a fucking week away, invented some excuses and they accepted it. He went back to his country, and he was feeling so bad about me losing my job that he decided to leave his job in a Pet Shop store, but he also said it was the only way to spend more time with me when I was gonna go to Europe (cause that was the next step, after he seeing all my life in my country). But this was really the only way he could follow me, cause I also do some freelancing (design & photography), and I was planning to become a ''digital nomad'' full time in the following years. I'm feeling very abused now because I accepted too much from him... I even accepted hurrying up the plans for this lifestyle.... AND IT REQUIRES TIME... But I also understand that sometimes love can't wait. He was mostly used to work in stores and he's also been a plumber, musician, and event manager. But he was good writing, and was willing to do some volunteering works with me also, so we tried to plan some possibilities for him was well.He thought trying this lifestyle asap was gonna allow us to spend all this time together somewhere, exploring the world and working, without the need to wait separately (We talked about doing the Cohabitation contract for couples, and it requires 2 years of relationship). I had been dreaming about doing this for 3 years, so I WAS DREAMY, I WAS ENCHANTED with the idea, it was also awesome to have someone pushing me to finally realize my dreams. SO I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN.Ah, but then my trauma with the cheating started. Even before I went to him, dude, I'm a super chill person in relationships, but I was extremely paranoid with everything about him. I love him, but I couldn't erase those feelings so easily... It was way to recent!!! And he was always very comprehensive, and gave me a lot of support. Then I went to him, and everything was new to me (I never left my country before) I was enchanted with the travel. I liked this family, and they liked me too, I liked his country, not so much the food, but everything was super nice. His friends also found me adorable and I liked them as well.Just so I don't write another gigantic story about the travels.... (But I'm making a blog and an instagram page about it), buttt long story short again...... We visited in total, around 16 countries. We did a eurotrip in a month and a half (we slept in his car, cheap airbnbs and couchsurfing to lower the expenses). And then we left to New Zealand. Where we both realised that SO MANY PEOPLE are travelling around like we always dreamed of. So we were proud of it.My last week before leaving to Oceania with him was a bit turbulent. We had some fights over the cheating again, and also because of... Cultural differences. In NZ, we were travelling and sleeping in a car. Together with this, there was not a lot of phone signal to have internet, and sometimes there's literally nothing but nature there, so it was hard to freelance. In the end we happened to spend more than gain, and it made the both of us super stressed out. And again, together with all these details, there was the cheating trauma. Although NZ is definitely my ''dream home'' now, I absolutely fell in love with the country, the people, the nature, the food, everything... Although... We had SEVERAL fights during this trip, now not only mentioning the cheat, but all the stress that was going on. I confess I tried to breakup with him 8 times, but we always talked a lot, and he insisted I was being impulsive and I should forget what happened also. In the last trial... It was him who was tired, I was gonna let me go, he was SO done with everything that happened and this sort of... Well, not very well-planned trip that was breaking us both. But I found some strength and thought it through... So then it was me saying he should stay calm and that we were gonna pass through these problems together and surpass it.But after that, everything became different. It started being like he was only standing me, because we knew I still had stuff AND DOCUMENTS back in his house in europe, so we were gonna need to go back together, before I leave to my country. We had very weird moments of ``too much love`` and also ``no love at all``. He sometimes were EXTREMELY childish in discussions, leaving me talking alone, saying we should talk another time... And mostly... "zoning out". Literally, acting as if I was not at his side, being completely in his bubble. Sleeping in the car, or sometimes in a bed, but SUPER far away from me, to the point of almost falling in the floor........ And dude, this happened more than 5 times, I guess. That was when I started reading about ADHD and I FINALLY understood such behaviours.... But it was useless to talk to him about this... He used to say I was saying he was sick, and he's not crazy, he's not mental... He doesn't need help cause he can take care of himself alone........ This is extremely complicated, but I tried to understand how he feels about it, and I actually tried to give all my support, although I sometimes was feeling like POOP close to him.The time came to go back to his house, then in the following weeks, he was becoming calmer again, and it was like the love was coming back. I spent two months there with him and his family, they are super lovely people. Before coming back to his home, we had a serious talk about turning the pages of everything that happened and focusing on the future now. And always TALK when there's something wrong, never left anything unsaid, cause it's not good for any of us. So we had this agreement, and everything was fine. Although in New Year's eve, he got drunk and said some weird things to me... I was also kinda drunk, but I remember everything, and he claims he doesn't remember a thing. He said I should leave him cause he was not the strong man I need, he was trying but he didn't feel like he can ever be it, that I need someone better and he was nothing... Etc....... I told him I was not gonna do it and I was gonna help him with anything he needs, always give my support to make him feel good.... I reminded him afterwards of all this talk we had and he was a little surprised with it.We were then super lovely with each other, everything was fine again... Except.... 1 - the fact that my time to go back to my country was almost coming. 2 - he was having a huge lack of sexual desire. 3 - although he was super lovely, he was extremely stressed out with all this. Together with the fact that he didn't have a job anymore, was almost broke, and the only way to start the Cohabitation procedure must be with he having a job as one of the requirements. I kept saying to him he should seek help to see this `stress` thing, but he kept repeating that he was broke an he couldn't, and also therapists just talk, so he wasn't gonna be helped. lol.He decided to come with me to my country, before starting to look for jobs. He spent a short time here with me and my family. And we had some conversations in which he said I was crazy to accept him after all that happened, and he tried to imply that maybe we've done enough for each other and it was time to split our ways.... But I mentioned turning the pages again, cause that's what I did. And although we passed through some problems, the good moments are bigger than the bad ones, and I was still sure we could make this through and stay together. He agreed to fight together. And he supported me saying I should move again to the city I was before, cause there's more and better opportunities for jobs for me, while we wait some more months for that procedure. He left to a lot of tears in the airport, from the both of us, and my mom was there too, also feeling emotional.OKAY.... NOW WE'RE HERE. Right now it's been almost 2 months being separated. It's been super hard, after 8 months being together with someone 24/7. We had some fights of course, who doesn't? But we had awesome times together, and I believed in his love so much, and I give him the best of me.Now.... He came back and he bought online courses of programming, I went to university, he never did. But he wants to have some background and a diploma as well. I HELPED HIM discovering this love for programming, and I put all my efforts to make him proud and help him find ways to study it. I'm so proud that he's finally focusing on studies!!! But then............... It's been 3 weeks that he all of a sudden stopped saying that he loves me (we used to say it everyday). And he's not even `cute` anymore, he's being completely cold and distant. Still talks a lot, but only about random subjects. I questioned him about his suddenly mood changes, and he's been giving me a different answer ever since....... One time he says its because he's too focused on the studies that he doesn't see he's being cold....... Another time he says its because he started thinking a little too much about the past, about all the fights, and it is putting so much weight on him, that he started feeling weird towards me......... And then he says he started thinking that he could START TRAVELLING ALONE because its something he always wanted and now he's locked in this relationship that he needs to focus to work out now............ And other time he says that due to the studies and those thoughts of the past and probabilities to travel alone, he became confused about us and he doesn't know anymore what he wants.........Also, I've been applying for jobs is his country, so we could make things faster maybe. Last Tuesday I had an e-mail from an agency in his country, inviting me for an interview! I was so extremely happy! I went to send him the new right away....... I RECEIVED THE WORST REACTION EVER. He treated it as if it was a spam message. He didn't believe it, and he was suddenly GONE for one hour. Came back to say he was super sorry for his reactions, and he was happy this for me.... And then he sent an audio message explaining he panicked with it, because he's been having enough stress with the studies, and his unnecessary pessimistic thoughts... He said he's been trying to tell me something for a while, but he's struggling with it and didn't find the right words still. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IN SUCH WORDS. Everything. This day. It was the last drop. The cherry of cake. I was done.So I told him he was gonna have this week all off my sight. Cause if he's confused about me, he shouldn't keep being cold but always talking random to me... He should GO THINK STRAIGHT. So that's it. We haven't been talking ever since Tuesday. I said we should talk this Sunday, but if ever he needed more time, he should let me know.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ALL THIS???? I need ideas and advice. I'm curious to know what's gonna come up from his mouth this time. I'm super done with all this.... It's like so much efforts was in vain.... But I still love him absurdly. I'm contemplating if its the time to leave this boat, or if we should keep trying. I'm emotionally drained, I invested too much efforts on this for the long run and now I really would only be able to stay if it would be to have a calm and more open and mature relationship. via /r/dating_advice

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