#odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 170818 - 2

i would need someone to stand up for me. my family is dumb as shit. my mom and my OTHER brother and my little sister are the only ones who MAYBE understand a little and MAYEB agree a little. but do they ever stad up for me?? heLL NO

my other brother is a coward tbh. and uncomfoetavle, he’d just laugh awkwaed

my sister is a coward, avoidant and would never say anything even if her life depended on it

my mother is a coward, alwyas in ”the middle”, always ”but youre just too far ahead, theyre not there yet” WELL NEWSFLASH BIRCH I WASNT BORN SMART I HAD TO RESEARCH CUS IT AFFECTS ME AND I HAVE A WHITE FAILY AND CHANCES ARE THQT I MAY BE KIDNAPPED AND ANOTHER VICTIM OF THIS CRAZY CHILD TRQFFICKIG, afraid that my brother or my other brother would leave her if she said smth. shes been through shit yeah i know blah blah but like….. im your child too bitch. is this where the biological part comes in??? im YOUNGER. shes crying abt ”whatever she choses, someone will get mad” but my brother is WHITE, he’s a grown ass 32 year old MAN. HES YOUR BIOLOGICAL SON!!! IM YOUR TINY 19 YEAR OLD GHINESE ADOPTEE TO DAUGHTER. I WILL LEAVE YOU TOL BITCH like she tells me im haunting her in her sleep. she dreams of adopting babies that are kidnapped or can talk and say they dont want to be adopted etc. she’s too scared to stand up for me and she LETS MY BROTHER AND FAMILY CONTINUE TO BE LOW KEY RACIST AND INSENSITIVE ASSHATS TO ME STUFF THAT TRIGGERS ME SO BAD I MIGHT AS WELL MURDER ALL OF THEM INCLUDING MYSELF IF I GOT A KNOFE NEARBY

and the worst thing is……… i dont NEED her help. I AM FULLY CAPABLE OF STANDING UP FOR MYSELF IVE DONE THAT ALL MY LIFE. we all know im 1000x smarter than mt brother and i could take him and his stupid wife anYTIME.

but……. once again…….. im patrnoized. my dads emotionally abusive and my moms cowardness once again and all my siblings took after and im now ”the annoying angry mentally unstable dramatic kid”. even my littl sister who i said in my last post I DEFEND ALL THE TIME thinks im annoying and dramatic. she probably likes when i stand up against dad for being abusive (even though she never thanks me or anything) but she thinks im dramatic and overreacting when k stand up against dad, mom, brothers, HER!!! when its about adoption/racism/sexism/hmophpbia/classism

and my beuatiful boyfriend is the same. he’s about my mom, smarter than all of them and unlike my mom also knows the terms…. BUT!!!! HE GOT TE SAME FUCKING PROBLEM!! HES ALSO WHITE!! HES ALSO SHY AND AVOIDANT AND AFRAID OF CONFLICTS AND NEVER EVER STANDS UP FOR ME!!! HE SAYS HE WILL AND WELL….. I HOPE HE DOES WHEN HE GOT THE PPPROTUNITY BUT FOR REAL WHILE PEOPLE DONT EVER STAND UP FOR POC THEY REALLY DONT. NOT YOUR PARENTS OR YOUR LOVERS

i love my boyfriend but i swear to god this is tearing me and i still feel guilty for treating him like shit but its just a question of WHEN we’re gonna break up cus HELL NO am i EVER gonna have a family white a white person……. NU-UH. i just love him cus we met before i realized my hateed for whites, been together for 2,5 years, been through an abortion and he and mom are the only ones i can…. kinda talk to

god if youre real, please give me the strength to NOT fake my death and just abandon this family so they can suffer like they’ve made me suffer WHAT MAKES ME SUFFEE THE MOST IS THAT THEYRE MY FAMILY AND I CAN NEVWR ESCAPE THEM THEY WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAMILY AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM AND I BLAME ONCE AGAIN ADOPTION FUCK ADOPTION REALLY PREVENTS POC FROM EVER DECOLONIZING I UNDERSTAND WHY WHITE PEOPLE LILE IT SO MUCH ITS SO FKN EFFECTIVE

#diary #fam #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 150818 - 12

im so fucking pissed can i just rant because ive been holding in this for so fucking long

i hate men so fucking much, especially straight men

I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING FRIENDS BUT THEY ALWAYS GOTTA BE UP MY ASS

AND THEYRE MAKING IT IMPOSSOBLE FOR ME TO GET ANY FEMALE FRIENDS BC THEYRE FKN EVERYWHERE HARASSING FEMALES SO THEY CANT ANSWER MY MESSAGES

and im using serveras different apps

one is tinder so yeah i guess thats my fault

BUT THW OTHER ONES ARE LANGUAGE APPS

NO DAISUKE, 17 YEAR OLD I DONT WANNA BE YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND I WANR TO LEARN FUCKING JAPANESE

AND NO ROBIN WHO I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND AND WHO INTOUGGT WAS A FIRL UNTIL YOU SHOWED YOUR FACE WHICH MADE ME FKN UNCOMFOETAVLE BC IF I KNEW YOU WERE A GUY I WOULDNT HAVE BEEN SO GOD DAMN NICE TO TOU

NO IM NOT GONNA ANSWER YOU IF IM A LESBIAN JUST BC I FANFIRLED OVER FUXKING KIM CHUNGHA THATS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS I THOUGHT YOU WERW MY FUCKING DRIEND

I HAVE ONLY FEMALE FRIENDS ONLINE

I HAVE TWO MALÉ FRIENDS AND I JUST REALSKED THEYRE BOTH HOMOSEXUALITET

AND IT MAKE SME PISSED CUS I WANT FEMALE FRIENDS

BUT THEY ALREADY HAVE OTHER FRIENDS AND ALL THESE MALES KEEP THEM BUSY

#odfidk #diary

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 150818 - 11

i hate sweden sooo fkn muuuch. so fkn racistttt. always comparing ourselves to denmark and norway and how ”we cant have a nicer migration politics than the rest of scandinavia cus then all refugees will come to sweden” LMAOOO IF I HATE SWEDEN THEN DENMARK AND NORWAY CAN LITERALLY FUCK THEMSELVES UGLY LANGUAGE THEY SOUND DUMB AF NORWAYS A BUNCH OF SNOBS AND DANES ARE JUST FKN RACIST AND SOUND DRUNK ALL THE TIME

#diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 150818 - 8

the only reason international/transracial adoption is considered "ok" is cus our white adoptive parents bought us so we can serve as their children. they still hate immigrants, but we're "okay" cus cus we're THEIR import goods (i mean thats why adoötive parents are so fkn inseddes with trashank our violocigql motverka, telling everyone their our REAL parens qhile our other parents are just "biologicsl" or even worse, "belly" parents), and they're convinced they'll be able to assimilate and whitewash away our savage ways. cus thats the history of transracial adoption.

christians and colonizers kidnapping black and natives children to "civilize" and convert then. then during ww2, korean war, vietnam war the saior complex came. during the 70's there was some "youre all our children" shit. and now white feminists and white gays think its progressive to adopt transracially and society in general is so used to explokting poc do no one cares

why do ppl not understand that transracial international adoption as it is today (white ppl adoption poc from global south) is cultural genocide. and we mourn too bitch. we mourn too. not only did we lise our parents, our people but also our culture and our chance to ever re-connect. i know there are many adoptees who are white af and for real THINK they're white but dont you fkn see how dad that id?? theyre parents have literally erased everything about them?? do you know how much they probably hate themselves and their appearqnce, probably only takig pride in what white ppl find exotic about them??

im so pissed. one day im going to work with this. im going to make sure we are HEARD and that all fp you take woke fuckers feel avd about yourself. took me 17 hears ro wake up and its tine for you too.

#adoption #diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 150818 - 6

i dont know what to do or why i still care. well i CARE and i get ao FRUSTRATED bc i guess i still love my family? and it hurts like a motherfucker when they dont understand and i want them to but they just keep disappointment me and i just keep getting more and more distant and i low key want to cut them off and start my own life and get myself a new family but who am i kidding im super insecure and dependant and vulnerable i feel like im imprisoned

i really feel like im improsined like my adoption is a curse. everything was taken away from me, not only my mom and my culture and people and belonging and shit like that but...... my mental health?? im sure theres smth wrong in my brain im just too lazy and social anxious and paranoid to let some white therapist diagnose me or smth. my therapy is literally writing these posts cus i dont wanan talk to a white. i feel like ive never been happy in my whole life which is sad cus i obviously was happy before this ”awakening”, back when i was still a oblivious whitewashed kid, repressing my feelings. im glad im not that anymore tho honestly i’d rather let myself commit suicide than like.... stay like that. cus i need a purpose i need to help other adoptees of color, other poor woc, other victims of racism, classism, colonialism and misogyny.

i really am cursed. i will never find peace or understanding. no matter how much i’ll try i’ll never become chinese or asian enough to be a part of them. i’ll always have to live with the disgusting fact that i grew up 100% white. i’ll never be able to decolonize or run away from that, no matter how many languages i’ll learn, no matter if i change my name and even citizenship. i feel like ive been violated. i feel DIRTY!!!! i feel like someone has attacked me, touched me with their dirty white hands and now im too embarassed and sad to face my own people. thats EXACTLY how i feel. i seriously feel like a victim like ive been straight up assualted, thats how disgusting i feel. and i feel like my assualters are everyone around me, including my adoptive parents.

wow no wonder why im always feel so sick all the time and constantly feel like i have to run away and scrub myself clean from them. its feels like im living, imprisoned together with my oppressors, my assaulters

i’m cursed and im embarassed telling poc im adopted cus i know what they think, i know they think im privileged and white and i hate it. i hate non-adoptees so much, i hate adoptees too cus we’re all so fucking whitewashed man i just hate everything

if ppl sleep on racism against (east) asians cus they consider us to be less poc, white-worshippers and racist........... then ppl are literally in coma when it comes to transracial and international adoptees rights. like even the fiercests feminist-lgbt-vegan-socialist-anti ableism-anti ageism woman of color dont know and dont care a shit about us. no ones listening to us, not even other adoptees. and its so frustrating especially since we dont have our first mothers narrative but have to blindly listen to our white adoptive parents and agencies stories. we’re always going to be ”the poor children that needed to be saved”, we’ee always infantilized or mentally ill or ”a tragic case of abusive adoptive parents”

i feel bad for thinking like this cus even i got a rational side thats telling me that i have a good life. people always expect me to have some sick background with abuse or smth and yes, my background is kinda messy but like......... there arw so many other ppl will messy backgrounds and even messier lile its not that big of a deal, irs not only about that

#adoption #diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 150818 - 5

i dont understand why my dad gotta be such a bitch sometimes. everytime i talk abt china or asia or moving hes like ”swedens probably still gonna feel like your home country” well no shit sherlock. as long as i have u as my parents its not like i can go anywhere without being reminded of my adoption. ffs even if i wanted to cut you off, assimilate i wouldnt be able to considering how important family is in asia and how lonely i’d be without you

fuck i already know that shit and i know that i’ll to accept my swedish, my ”white” sad eventually but i hate it. especially when me comes from the white ppl that brought me here

you think this is some god damn phase in in? no honey, its called ”coming out of the fog” aka ”decolonizing” aka ”break free from the endless whitewashing” and rhere’s a lot of us adoptees if you fuckers only decided to listen to us and our arguments instead of painting out us as mentally ill children

#diary #odfidk #adoption #dad

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 150818 - 4

ok now i’ve met the 6th chinese-swedish adoptee with the same ”chinese-sounding” swedish name as me + one of them knew another three ones.

im really officially going to change my name to yan. ive always disliked my swedish name but this is so fucking disgusting i swear to god. i think it’ll be good for me too, to try to deconolize myself

too bad i just identify as yan online. i dont know how i’d feel if my family were to call me it… fuck idk. i dont want them to be an exception though cus that would only make it harder for all of us to get used to it but im also so tired my white brothers are annoying as hell i dont wanna explain shit to them

it just really disgusts me. just like many swedes (and probably others) would think it would be funny/cute and name their korean adoptees kim. how fucking genius we really are nothing but your ”dolls”

#diary #odfidk #adoption

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 4

i hate that i hate ranting and writing this essay that’s really triggering and problematic but i still do it its like i AVTUALLY want ppl to feel sorry for me and see how much i suffer and i dont understand why because im convinced no one cares anyways i dont get why i do that its like there’s still a tiny tiny tiny bit of hope inside of me or smth idk what im expecting. its not like anything could really help. ive tried so much and nothing helps. i tbh feel like this is some self destructive shit because i always get super anxious when i post stuff but i still do it but i also do it bc im scared that if i dont i’ll ACTUALLY do something dangerous. i honestly have no fucking idea

i will get myself a therapist some day dont worry i wont keep doing this for long. smth yesterday just triggered me BAD and i need to get it out of my system. idk im sorry im not even disgnosed with anything qlthough im pretty sure smths wrong with me. im so impuslive and i cant controlf myself. one time i really thought i was gonna kill someone and then jump in front of a bus. i obviously didnt cus i was on my way to my therapist THANK GOD but when im in that….. state i cant think im like a dEMON. a LITERAL DEMON is taking over. ive thought about bpd but i honestly dont think so, its getting better i think i just get…. relapses i guess. ive also thought of ptsd. is that possiblw even tho u dont remember or dream abt ur trauma? tbh my whole life feels like a fucking trauma. but i dont think so either tbh. i just think im low key depressed but my firing temperment makes it seem so dramatic

#diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 2

im suicidal and i low key want everyone to unfollow and block so i can write my psycho rants in peace i honestly think i got bpd or smth. ive also checked ptsd multiple times but i dont remember my trauma and i dont have any dreams abt it since in fkn adopted. my whole life had been a trauma. 

im so fucking tired of my dad. i dont think ive gotten a single fucking apology in my whole life from him. 

when we were younger my little sister got scared and never dared to tell him when she broke or lost something cus he always made her cry. he always got soooo angry but always pretended he wasnt angry at us, but he obviously was. i used to cry too but instead i got angry because i’ve always been the problematic kid so i always started to scream at him instead. i still do cus im still problematic

one time when i was 16 i was on my way to the first party at my upper high school. i was looking forward to it so much because i suffered through junior high because of all the white rich racist snobs. i was happy bc i had finally been able to make some friends and after my parents divorce, friends were the only place i felt sade. but then dad suddenly calls me and starts to yell at me, accusing me of stealing his money (aka $2). ive never felt so betrayed and humiliated. my own dad didnt believe me. ”well your sister said she didnt, so it must be one of you two”. 

turns out it was my sister and she was too afraid to say something so my ugly fucking dad decided to ruin my whole fucking night and i embarrassed myself because i cried in public because i was so frustrated of not being believed. she admitted to mom. i never got an apology from any of them but i didnt say anything because i knew my sister was too scared. she never blamed it on me, she just said she didnt do and. and dad did the rest

one time a classmate of mine told me about her abusive dad and how he used to grab her by the neck when she did something ”wrong” and chase after her, maybe even hitting her. our dad never got physical with us but this is obviously emotional abuse. yesterday was the night i finally admitted it to myself. our dad is abusive and he’s one the reasons im so abusive myself. ive known for long, but i love him and i tried for so long. i kept fighting him cus i wanted to believe he was able to change but he’s not. he doesnt even understand. i hate him for that, i hate him for making me the monster i am today.

his first instinct is always to accuse. like yesterday evening for example where he helps me with my phone (he’s not the most technical one). something he thinks will work doesn’t work but an ”error” pops up and he immediately mutters ”what have you done now...” i get furious because i’m tired of all these microaggressions and he agitated me earlier this evening with his ignorance and refusal to change aka ”there will always be injustice and classism, why dont you become a poltician instead”. i tell him to apologize and he guilt trips me, accusing me of being sensitive, always mistunderstanding his words and now he’s ”not going to talk to me anymore” ”since he cant say anything”. i get even more angry and he tells me to shut up. it sounds harsher in swedish, so i’d probably translate it to ”shut the fuck up” instead. i walk away, obviously done with his bullshit 

emotional abuse. i could never tell him that though. i mean i could and i’ fucking did but his dumb ass never listens. not even after mom divorced him he listens. he never does. hes so ruined that he always blames it on everyone else for being sensitive. he thinks hes kind and understanding when he says ”im sorry YOU FEEL that way” because he doesnt understand its not ME or MY feelings. its me, my mom, and my sister. its a fucking fact that hes emotionally abusive, its not something we just FEEL. but theres no idea arguing with him because he will only get angry. as usual.

its gotten better through the years. not because he has learnt anything, but because we are older, not little children anymore. he’s never like this with adults. mom said it was different techniques on her, because she’s an adult and was his wife. he would probably get sad reading all of this but he wouldnt show it and i wouldnt care because he wouldnt apologize and he wouldnt understand. thats his weakness and that will be his doom. 

nothing ever changes in this family. my dad keeps being an emotional abuser while im the only one saying something. my older brothers left me and my little sister during our parentes divorvve. my little sister is always the quiet one while im always the annoying aggressive one. im always on my own fighting. but i never get any appreciation. no one asks me how i am feeling. my sister never asks me, never hugs me. i know she loves me and i hope shes thankful for always standing up against our dad, always protecting her ever since we were kids. i know she doesnt like my ways all the time, that she dislikes when im fighting and yelling but at least i do something. the only one listening is mom but we fight too sometimes. i just wish i wasnt so lonely. me and my closest to age brother could maybe talk, could maybe be closer if he didnt betray us, betray ME like that. ffs he was 21 when they divirced. a grown ass man. i was 11, i was going through another abandonment. i lost everything. the money, my parents, my family. everything i was proud of and thought was safe. we could maybe talk if he wasnt so uncomfortable and unserious. i know he talks to mom and i know mom, me and him are the only one thinking in this god damn family. but he left me. i wish my sister could give me some love. i know she cares but she never shows me. i love her the most in our family. we’re the only chinese adoptees and i feel like i need to protect her. i try not to cry in front of her but i just wish she could give me something. i know theres nothing i can do about it. i tried to pressure her when we were younger but she only withdrew even more. i was always the one trying. im always the one trying, speaking up. im always painted as the problematic unstable one but i’ve gone through the most shit in this family. i came as a crying and screaming baby. i was afraid of everything, always crying. and thats what i’ve always been. always the crying one, the one who cant control her feelings. always the lazy one because ive been to scared to try things. no one appreciates me. im not perfect and i hate myself for it. im paranoid and i have abusive tendencies. i got major abandonment issues and i used to text people a lot. i dont do that anymore. i never answer anymore because no one cares and im too scared of making new friends.

i know im not perfect but i also know my bf would miss me if i stopped texting him. i know my sister will miss me when i move away. she will never stand up against dad and a part of me wants to stay protecting her but im tired. i dont get anything. never a thank you. never a nod. i dont know how she feels. i only from what mom tells me. she never joins me or helps me. only when its herself. ONLY when its about her. she never takes my side. i never blamed her for it. i always blamed dad. i hated my vrothers for leaving me, but not her because shes my baby sister. but im tired. im exhausted and i never get anything. my family abandoned me so i invested in friends instead. they could be my third family. but they abandoned me too. my issues got in the way and they abandoned me. at the same time i went through an abortion at age 17. my mom abandoned me because of her own mental illbess and my boyfriend abandoned me because of his cowardness. at the same time i had the biggest indentity crises and i started to miss my own mom, my actual mom, like crazy. no one was there for me. maybe my adoptive mom tried her hardest but she’s white, she suffered from PTSD for 7 years herself, she wasnt like dad, but she wasnt enough. no ones enough. no one can save me. no one can save me. not even my beautiful boyfriend who loves me so much and who i’ve been a total fkn abuser to. no one can save me. my mom got surprised when we watched a documwntary about killers and i said i think like that. i feel like that. i feel like that could be me. she said ”not could you have killed anyone” but ive wanted to. ive dreamt about it. ive wanted to kill everyone on this earth. ive wanted to kill myself and everyone i hold dear. and when people say ”those abusers and nasty murderers deserve no love. they’re lost” i feel like murderering them extra slow. no one ever loved me. i was never loved. i came here only to serve as a child to a middle class white western couple. no one cares about my mother. no one cares about me. my trauma was only me being difficult and me being difficumt was only bc of what happened in china, never bc of what they did. white people are never weong. the damage adoptees go through is only BEFORE the adoption. never after. white people are perfect. so perfect people want more to adopt us. cus we’re only dolls to you. we’re just children you can send back and forth. no one cared that i was all alone my 2 first years. that i was shipped back and forth like a toy. no one cared about me when they placed me in sweden, the whitest country next to our neighbors, denmark, norwat and finland. no one cared about me when they placed me in a family that would divorce. where the mom would get ptsd for 7 year, not work and no money. dad is emotionally abusive and emotionelly inaccessible. no one cared about me when i missed my mom. when i started to read about racism and sexism and colonialism and classism. no ones ever cared about me and im tired. no one can save me. ive been fighting my whole life. ive been fighting for basic things like love and safety. im never loved. im never safe. im always fighting, always chasing something i’ll never get

i remember when this was everday. when i felt like this everydsy and thought i would die everyday. the only one by my side my boyfriend who i am incapable givning the love and appreciation he deserves. i dont want this to come back. tomorrow i’ll be fine. tomorrow everything will be forgotten. my dad will never ever applogoze for anything. my sister will never ever give me any kind of love. everything will be normal tomorrow but nothing will be solved. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im doomed. i will never escape these thoughts and feelings. im doomed to suffer. no matter what i do, no matter how much i try its always weong. no one cares. im so lonely. i miss my mom. i wish i was aborted or that i could stat with her. even if i was unhapoy with her she’s at least be my real mom. at least i’d commit suicidw like a normal person. i dont feel like a normal person. i feel like a demon. i feel like a monster.

im very very suicidal right now. i always feel like i have to threaten with suicide but i know no one would care. and that sucks. ive thought about faking my death but my dad is so abusive he’d just get mad at me. so i just couldnt help myself cus i had a big ass anxiety attack so i straight up told him he he wouldnt care if i died. he didnt. he shut the balcony door. so i panicked even more and screamed when i commit suicide he will regret himself, he will regtet. when i commit suicide it will be his fault. no reaction. he was embarrassed. he said ”i dont want the neighbors to hear when youre so sad and angry” so i literally throw a pillow over the tanke and break something and i automatically get scared and then to my room to call mom and i scream so much. i feel like im dying.

i guess i feel better now or whatever cus i was able to talk to my mom but wow our dad is really fucked up. i hate that i cant get people to live me in a healthy why though. i always have to do smth dramatic like killing them or treathening with suicide. but the very fact that i had to go that far for my dad to come and give me a weak hug and after another 5 minutes arguing say ”sorry” cus he just ekot saying ”i usually apologize” and ”i already said that was dumb of me” but literally cant say s-o-r-r-y makes me SO ANGRY. i shouldnt have to commit suicide for my family to care

after everything ive done for my sister and show never gives me any love. after everything ive been through. im standing up against our dad for her too. ive always done. because ove always been the angry kid. always always, and she’s always been te quiet kid. ive done so much for her, ive protected her so much because i know she’s scared of him. i know she’s scared of me too. but she never asks me how im feeling. she never says she loves me or qppreciates me. no one does. she can tell our mom she appreciates that i stand up but never tell me. and NEVER side with me against dad. im always aloen and im so weak and tired. im only doing this because i already have the label as an angry kid. 

i was angry when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time. i was angry and anxious because ive been abandoned multiple times’ and had to deal with these white foreigners i didnt understand. and my mom left me for dad to take care of. she felt like a bad parent and let dad raise me like the unstable psychopath i am today. he always seemed to blame me. theres a reason i feel like the angry annoying kid and that i have no self esteem. it must be from him. probably my whole family, but mainly from him. i was angry when i was adopted, i was angry when my orents divirced, i was angry when i reqlized what a horrible colonial practice international transracial adoption is. all for both me and my sister. because i love her the most in this fucked up family. cus we’re the only chinese adoptees

i hate that i want to revenge through suicide. i hate that im so unhealthy and that i had to go through all of this. i hate all those fucking ”good ppl will not let themselves get broken, they will be kind” fuck you ive been fighting my whole fucking life. these are the quotes that triggers me enogh to kill somebody. ”youre just as bad as your emotionellt abusive dad, as the white pol, the rich, the men who exploited you and separates you from your mother and left you with mental illness and issues that make you uncapable of being loved”

the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me aliev is the thought of being able to avtually help people with my story or knowlege. to help other adoptees or fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. no one ever needed me. no one ever wanted me. ive always been the only one needing them. the only way for me to heal would be to help others so i can forgive myself. i hate my dad for fuxking me up even more than necessary. i was boound to get these issues sooner or later but the manipulation and absue he gave me will i always hate him for. why did i turn out like this but not my sister? why didnt my sister become a monster like this? and what hurts the most is that i was once proud of my family and my dad. i love him and he took care of me the most. the reason he gave me these fkn issues

#diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 1

ok so i really want to talk to a therapist but i wont be comfortable explaining my life story if theyre white. i just want help cus im always so tired but no one helps. ive been angry, fighting my whole life but no one cares. i came as an angry anxious baby. i was furious when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time,  abandoned multiple times just to be bought by these white foreigners i didnt even understand. but no one cared. no one knew how to handle my loss and pain, and my dad’s emotionally abusive as it is, making me grow up, feeling like theres smth wrong with me. that im just an annoying angry kid by default or smth, while my sister was the perfect one. thats why i always protected her. thats why i always stood up against his accusations,  guilt tripping and anger. because my little sister was too afraid and i was already labelled as the problematic kid. but im tired. she’s fkn 15. after all the things ive done for her the least she gan do is ask me how im feeling fromt time to time. my whole family knows ive been depressed for like 2 years and the only one who cares is my mom who just survived a 7 year old long ptsd. i hear from her that my sister appreciates it but i never get anything from her. i dont feel appreciated in this family at all. im still the angry annoying sjw and nothing i say will ever be taken seriously by our dad cus hes a master of making both me, my sister and mom (probably brothers too but they fkn abandoned us a long time ago those pussies, leaving 10 year old me to fend for me and lil sis all on my own while our parents were divorcing, mom was suicidal, dad abusive and economy crashing) feel like shit. their divorce was probably my first trigger factor. it took me 2,5 years, i was 4 the first time i dared to let go of my parents. first time they could leave me out of sight without me being ”annoying and screaming” aka having a fucking panic attack. their divorce was another abandonment, another trauma and i never learnt how to get over that either.

yesterday i was crying in the bathroom for 2 hours straight bc my family doesnt love me, i get out and no one cares. i literally told my dad he wouldnt care if i died yesterday and he didnt react. he fkn closed the balcony door bc he didnt want the neighbors to hear me ”so angry and upset”. i yelled at him that when i commit suicide its going to be his fault but hes so narcissist and dumb he doesnt understand. so i threw smth and destroyed smth and tHEN he reacted. i love having to use unhealthy techniques like suicide threats and murdering threats to get a reaction. i once did that and this ex friend threatened to report me to the police for murder threat. her mom even called my boyfriends mom to warn them of me but she didnt even call my mom??? she didnt care abt the fact that next to my ”i want to kill everyone. dream of murdering my family” i also wrote ”i want to kill myself”. dont remind me of this though. im not proud of it. i know its weong to manipuqlte like this but no one teached me how to deal with my feelings and avandonemnt issues in a healthy way. and so i’ve took after my dad and turned into this controlling emtoionally abuser, all bottled up, constantly angry and sad, guilt tripping and manipulating the people im supposed to love in fear of them abandoning me. and i will always hate the world for making me suffer like this. 

i just want to rest. im tired of always fighting for something as basic as love and safety. i never got over the loss of mom and culture and people. and i lost every sense of safety i had built up during my adoptive parents divorce and older brothers leaving. and im unhappy, im always unhappy because i miss my mom and culture and people so much. i feel misplaced and lost. the only thing keeping me alive being the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of being able to actually help people with my experiences and knowledge, to help other international transracial adoptees or maybe fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like.... nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. if im never going to be happy ive been suffering for nothing. ive tried so hard in my life but nothing works. im cursed. i really am cursed but not only do people leave me im also incapable of feeling other peoples love. i cant feel other peoples love because the only love i want is my mothers. my REAL mother, my ACTUAL mother, the chinese mother society loves to shame and make me forget because you all see her as a threat to my white parents claim over me.

the only difference between me and all those other ”normal” adoptees (aka my little sister) is that they’re whitewashed to death by their family, probably even more emotionally abused than i was and also they’ve repressed their feelings and trauma and I AM THE VERY REASON ADOPTEES DO THAT. ME AND ADOPTEES OVERREPRESENTATION IN SUICIDE STATISTICS ARE THE REASONS BECAUSE ITS GOING TO KILL YOU. my abortion and friend-break up was the last trigger before i exploded but believe me, it would have happened sooner or later anyways. my whole life has been a trigger. however many adoptees live their whole lives without ever waking up from this pretty little perfect sunshine story their parents and society had told them. there’s a reason so many adoptees are whitewashed to death and hates your disrespectful nosy questions. its a survival technique. we know that if we want to survive a life with our background conditions, then we have to repress our feelings concerning our adoption and everything associated with it. its not conciously, ITS A DEFENSE MECHANISM. and we get so much shit for it, which is understandable because many adoptees are fucking racist asshats. but you need to fucking understand that its because they’ve learnt to hate themselves and their own people. they’re TERRIFIED of being associated with immigrants and people of color because they know their white racist parents secretely hate them and actually secretely hate them too. all they want is love, they dont know anything else. it sucks to argue with a 40 year old adoptee of color though who’s still racist and whitewashed af, thats just sad and i would love to focus more on younger adoptees and help and support them through their ”awakening”. the awakening is much like learning about sexism or racism and how its ingrained in everything and practiced by your family and friends. just 100x worse cus you realize your family isnt even your family and you’re all alone in your thoughts, feelings, experiences and eventual search.

and adoptive parents and adoption organisations need to take fucking respnsobility for once without blaming everything on our traumatic past. you’re not ready to adopt non-white kids with trauma. you’re not educated enough and you placing us in all-white countries and neighborhoods, with problematic and abusive parents will not help. and im not speaking for myself, im speaking for ALL international transracial adoptees. im tired of hearing ”but your sister”, ”but my daughter is not”, ”my son doesnt care” WELL AS I SAID THEY DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER GIVEN THEM THE CHANCE OR REASON TO CARE. IVE SACRIFICED MYSELF FOR MY SISTER. IVE FOUGHT OUR PARENTS, IVE TOLD THEM I HATE THEM, IVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD TO TEST THEM, MY MOM WAS SUFFERING FROM PTSD AND I WAS THE MOST ANNOYING PROBLEMATIC KID EVER BECAUSE 1. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN AND 2. TO SEE IF THEY WOULD FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH AND LEAVE ME. I DID THAT BECAUSE I COULDNT LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT FEAR OF ONE DAY HAVING THEM GROW TIRED OF ME AND ABANDON ME. I WANTED THEM TO BECAUSE THEIR DIVORCE WAS AVANDOBMENT ENOUGH. I DID THAT BECAUSE MY KIND LITTLE QUIET SISTER WOULD NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO. SHE WOULD NEVER DARE TO STAND UP AGAINST OUR DAD OR QUESTION THEIR BAD PARENTING AND UNDEDUCATION WHEN IT COMES TO RACISM/ADOPTION INDUSTRY BECAUSE SHES SCARED. SHE HATES CONFLICTS AND FIGHTS BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT TRIGGERS HER. SHE GETS TRIGGERED BY FIGHTS AND I GET TEIGGERED WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME BECAUSE SHES AVOIDANT AND IM ATTACKING. I WANT TO FIGHT BC THATS HOW I FEEL PPL CARE. WHEN MY DAD WALKS OUT ON ME WHEN I TRY TO FIGHT OR SAY SOMETHING THATS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER. WHEN I FIGHT WITH MT BF AND HE DOESNT ANSWER MY TEXTS OR HE SUDDENLY HUNGS UP ON ME THATS THE BIGGEST TRIGGER. MY SISTER WOULD HUNG UP BC SHE WOULD FIND SOMEONE LIKE ME SCARY BUT WE ALL GET TRIGGERED BY DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON THOUGH IS OUR TRUSMA AND OUR ABANDOMENT ISSUES. SHES ALSO AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED, WE ALL FUCKING ARE, MANY OF US JUST DONT KNOW IT YET BECAUSE OUR PARENTS ARENT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE KIDS WITH TRAUMA. I KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE POLITICS AND SOCIAL JUSTICE SO I EDUCATED MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. MY SISTER LOVES NATURAL SCIENCE SO SHE DOESNT KNOW A SHIT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT A BISEXUAL IS AND SHES FKN 15, SHES AWESOME AT NATURAL SHIT AND THATS IT. I KNOW BECAUSE IVE ACTIVELY SOUGHT INFORMATION ABOUT IT BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES. NO ONE HELPED ME. EVERYTHING IVE LEARNT AND EVERYTHING I KNOW IS THANKS TO MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. ADOPTIVE PARENTS DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT RACISM OR TRAUMAS. MY MOM UNDERSTANDS BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT IF I DIDNT COME UP WITH THESE THEORIES ON MY OWN SHE NEVER WOULD. SHE TELLS ME NOW AT AGE 19 THAT ADOPTING ME, SEEING ME SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE AS I WAS HANDED OVER FELT WRONG. SHE FELT LIE SHE WAS TAKING ME, THAT IT WAS INHUMANE. AND NOW SHE KNEW WHY. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING WRONG AND INHUMANE. SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION IF I DIDNT PUSH HER WITH MY KNOWLEGE. IM THE ONE EDUCATING MY PARENTS AND ITS ONLY MY MOM LISTENING AND SINCE SHES WHITE AND NOT ADOPTED HERSELF SHES STILL ONLY ABLE TO UNDERSTAND LIKE 50% OF IT

i honestly dont get enough appreciation in this family. the only thinkers in this family is me, my mom and one of my brothers. but fuck him as i said, he abandoned us during their divorce and he’s been absent all my teenage years. we could have been close, he could have helped me bc he also suffered from depression. he gould have protected me like i proteced my little sister but he didnt. maybe it was the age gap or the fact that me and my sister are adopted while he and our other brother isnt, we’ll never know. all i know is that unlike my other brother and our dad he’s not completely unfamiliar with what racism, sexism and capitalism is. he’s not dumb and empty. he got a brain and he would be capable of understanding these things just like mom if he wanted to. but its been so many years, he’s fucking 28 and he betrayed me that bitch.

i really dont get enough appreciation. no one ever tells me they love me or appreciate my brain since im the only one analyzing shit. my mom does too but only personal and psycholgy shit never society or groups like oppression and structures and systems. im the only one doing that and im good at it. i always see patterns and i know my politics very well so i can easily see what kind of ideology people have. but i never get credit for it. im still just the lazy kid while my sister get cred for..... idk studying and working our and being didciplined. also ive been through mich more than anyone in this family. my mom and brother has also been through shit, i mean okay ALL OF them have because all people go through shit, but ive LEARNT things and they havent. they’ve repressed it or ignored it. only my mom and brother have also learnt but they never talk. my brother is avodiant like my sister. he never talks. hes quiet to himself and thinks. my mom talks but shes still a pussy

#odfidk #diary

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 120818

tw me whining again SORRYYYYY

you know what i hate? that im such a pussy

i dont go out and run cus im embarrassed, same with gym, same with singing, same with dancing, drawing, playong piano nd at least the later things are ”supposed” to be hobbies of mine that i want to do

i used to play piano for 3 years, ive danced since i eas 8 and ive honestly taken beginner classes in ballet like….. 6 times, same with contemporary, same with jazz AND ITS BECAUSE IM TOO AFRAID TO PUSH MYSELF AND IM ALWAYS SO AWKWARD AND NEVER GO ALL IN CUS IM AKWARD AND I DONT SEE ANYTHING CUS IM ALWAYS IN THE CORNER BACK IN THE STUDIO

esp in contemporary cus we always have to improvice and everytime we did that…. i had freaking anxiety going to that class. i WANTED to but i for real skipped like 50% of the classes BUT I WANT TO AND I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR IT

its so frustrating!!! i know i just need to push myself but fuck im so awkward. first of all my body is…… 😷 second i wanna try street but i dont like touching myself, i dont feel sexy or cool i feed ugly and nerdy like…………

ive never really invested in anything. ive never had any dreams, ive never tried. i always thought of myself as ”normal” cus thats what i wanted to be. i never tried hard in school, i never thought i’d be able to make it. become a doctor or dancer or astronaut or whatever. i thought i was gonna grow up, have 3 kids, a house, a volvo and a dog.

but holy fuck thats like my NIGHTMARE i will KILL myself if thats what my life will look like. im so TIRED of this environment, i just want to do what I WANT and like…. ACTUALLY DO IT AND BE WHO I WANNA BE BUT IM ALWAYS STOPPING MYSELF I WANT TO BE KIND AND HAPPY AND HAVE FRIENDS AND BE GOOD AT SOMETHING BUT IM NOT BECAUSE I NEVER LEAVW THE HOUSE AND I CANT EVEN MANAGE TO GET MYSELF A THERAPIST CUS IM SO INCAPABLE OF AVTUALLY GETTING THINGS DONE SO INSTEAD IM ALWAYS RANTING ON FUCKING TUMBLR

#diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 080818

london conclusions:

- lots of poc

- lots of asians

- hates poor ppl, anti homeless architecture everywhere

- literally no trash cans

- security, cameras in changing rooms and guards (not guards but idk what to call them) everywhere + the airport???

- employees often smile and greet/say goodbye when you walk in/leave

- crazy traffic

- ambulance/police sirens all the time?

- pretty tall buildings :00 beautiful design

- polite ppl, says thank you & excuse me a lot

i liked the trip a lot!!!!!!!! except that i got my stolen like 5 min before we were boarding…….. im so pissed all my pics are gone and all my notes are gone and i dont have a backup or anything cus my icloud is full and the phone was completely new, i got it like a month ago and it was a god damn expensive and i always manage to crack my screen so this time i bought a god damn expensive screen protector ONLY to get it stolen instead. one minute im literally reading bts fanfics (yeah sorry its a guilty pleasure of mine, not too weird i promise) and then i hurry my way to the gate and then i check my pocket and its gone. and then i cried in public cus i was so tired and frustrated and my mom was acting like a hoe all day so now i never want to go outside again and yeah im definitely gonna be emo for at least a week and probably complain for another month also…. just the fact that im in sweden again and the moment i walk out of the airport gets reminded of how white and boring it is here………. im depressed goodnight

#diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 040818

you dont know how soft ive been these days (ive only been here for 2 days). i see poc everywhere and im like….. theyre all so beautiful and when poc smile at me…. especially girls/woc cus then i just feel the BIGGEST connection ive ever felt in my whole life lmaooo im SO emo and vulnerable and tINYYY

i always ramble but i remember when i used to see poc arguing with each other or asians arguing with each other and i was like WHY THE FUCK are you arguing with each other when we ALL just can hate white people?? later i obviously realized theres lots of issues within poc community, asian community, east asian community, chinese community like everyone hates and oppress each other and its inportant to adress!!! but back then i was just SO used to only white ppl that when i saw another poc i just got super emo and i still do like i wanna run up and be like ”hi i know im just an ordinary asian to you and that you just smiled cus i look like a fkn idiot and you want to be polite but ive been isolated my whole life and i love you and look up to you and i’d die for you pls smile at me so i can feel assurance and acceptance" i mean it feels like that in sweden too but theres so many poc here so the feeling is super INTENSE. its kinda sad tbh but its the closest to home i know but im just so HAPPY when that happens i want u to know how HAPPY that makes me!!!!!

like i obviouslt know black panther isnt for asians but when the movie came out i felt like it helped me too. pls dont misunderstand i would NEVER try to claim or take black panther away from black ppl oh dear lord and i know my place lmao i just genuinely mean i was so happy it became successful and i went to the cinema twice in sweden and i swear ive never seen so many black teenagers before it was very very beautiful and they all looked so happy similar to how i feel rn :’)))

anyways……. wHY is every girl dressed SOOO nice here? and WHY are there so many besutiful asian girls?? back in sweden i felt like i was the only asian girl in my community (i know im portraying sweden lile super white there are poc here in just too awakard to interact idk im not interacting with anyone rn i know im lame but im going to soon i just gotta get my shit together and in the meanwhile my fav interaction is smiles and NO ONE can judge me) i had like no competition and i blamed all my ugliness on being asian lmao but like……….. i really am that ugly……. it really be like that huh

i want to live in asia but i also know asia is hella conservative and antiblack and zero welfare system and shit like that so if i dont like it or dont fit in i at least want to live somewhere with many cultures!!!! theres people of color EVERYWHERE I LOOK and youre all speaking your native tongue so naturally and its just so beautiful?? im honestly super jealous

#diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300718

me and my mom fighting and it brings up memories from like 1-2 years ago when we were fighting all the fucking time, partly bc she was depressed and idk i just found it annoying or smth. idk why. its so mean of me to be so cold and just constantly scream at her and be angry at her even though shes sick and struggling financially but now when i hear her crying again i just cant........ stand it. i get so fucking angry its brings be back to 7th grade again and it totally pisses me off. i feel like seems playing the victim but i know she doesnt line i know its hard for her and she's been through stuff too but i just........... i dont feel anything. i dont feel any compssion or empathy at all i just feel ANNOY.

idk why i am like that. my older adoptive brother used to live with me, mom and lil sis bc he was depressed too and didnt have anywhere to live and i was so pissed. i went to this rich white school and i hated having divorced parents, a mom who was depressed and i couldnt afford all the other things the other kids could. now i realize what they got was fucking insane like they travelled abroad 2727 times a year and only wore designer brands at age 13 like who the fuck can afford that. but back then it made me feel like shit and my relationship to money is just....... even now i cant buy expensive shit. or yes i can, like computer snd stuff but i cant buy expensive clothes or make up cus i feel like such a brag and i still kinda feel like that cus dont like money but i also want money imd sving like s crazy person i have quite much money and i feel quiltat cus i have a lot but i still feel poor and i still cant get myself to spend. and my childhood was ever rough, my parents always made sure to give us what we needed (even if it wasnt like ine if those ugly juicu picture outfits for 100$ each) but i still hated the fact that my dad has to pay for mom and we had to live with him more just bc mom was depressed or not financially stable. i hated to hear them talk abt money and as the older sister i always felt responsible

it was hell back then and im soooo glad we're through that but ive always been the bitch dramatic annoying difficult kid that no one liked. and i was that bc....... idk i have so much anger and sade as within me i guess and also cus well.... then my lil sis wont have to do all this fighting. she was mostly quiet and if she was sad she was sad on her own (or maybe talked to mom a bit sfter). i think she was svared of me back then and i dont blame me i was very very aggressive and im still very aggressive when fighting

im just so frustrated. idk why im such s mean bigch i just cant stand it. maybe i feel guilty?? maybe im svared? idk but when i hear my mom cry i just want to go up to her and slap her. i remember when they divirced and i was like 11. it was like lodig a family again tbh, no it WAS losing a family again. i was always proud over our family but after that it was hell. and i constantly blamed mom and dad for adoöting us, then divorcing snd then getting fucking depressed and low key poor. i was so angry abt mom divorcing dad and i didnt even care why. its so insenditive bc i remember she called dad an enotional abuser and i can low key undersyand what she means but its more like my dad just not being able to express his feelings and he delas with it like pretending nothings wrong which is frustrating ss hell. were fighting a lot too cus he refuses to see things and hes always this positive hoe like..... anyways i blamed her and i saw her as my enemy. thats a problem i have i alwyas see people as friends or enemies and nothing in between. i always think ppl want to hurt me, even my own boyfriend. wow ive been so mean to him too. a mistake and i avt like hes the worst fkn scum on earth just trying to stab me. i blamed mom for everything and the worst thing is that when she says "shes okay with it", me blaming her snd she undersyand its i just grt even more angriper and frustrated and i just cant stand that goody goody. same with my boyfriend when i was treating him like trash and he forgave me i was like........ bitch no

i dont know why it id like that. its like in pushing people away. i obviously do, i realized. i always thought i was the one clinging onto ppl and them ababdoning me but im actually pushing them away bu being a dramatic bigch snd always starting drama when im not satisifed. i started drama with my friends cus i felt like they didnt like me which was actually justified tho cus they beger invited me to anything  and they cut off ppl if they one day decided they didnt like them so i was constantly scared snd wanted more attention eve tho they gave me everything. and obviously that fucked shir up and they cut me off snd i went BANANAS.

why do i always go bananas. its happening iver and over again. i alwyas go bananas and im always so hateful. my attitude to everything is like: "ITS ME!!!! IM THE CICTIM!!!" i really have an inferior complex dont i?? but i also kinda have a superior complex too? where it ink im better. but i think my superior complex is like s defense mechanism to my inferior. im like a bully but more of a drama queen. i remember when my ex bff called me a drama wueen i was soooooooo offended and now i realize bc its true. i am a drama queen but not bc i think its fun fighting thats why i got offended. ppl always think k want to start fights and like to start fights and...... its kind sture but not really. its true that i always start fights and that i feel like i have to fight allt he time but its simple bc of what i justs aid; i feel like i always have to fight and win. life is a constant battle for me, everyones after me. i have to fight even though im anxious all the time im fighting.

i dont understand why im so mean all the time. like when my mom is crying or when she was depressed or when me and my boyfriend are fighting and im so mean i make him cry i dont feel anything. i once said to my dad "now i understand why mom divirced you" and i didnt even feel bad about it. i just get annoyed, especially at my mom. i just want to tell then to shut the fuck up and when i was younger i literally did. my parents got divorced, my mom got ptsd, our money.... :// and i literally just blamed her for everything. for breaking up with dad, adopting me and my sister, divorcing, getting sick, getting bad economy. i hated her and i was such a mean little bitch. we fought constantly for years and even though its better now...... its still there within me. i was fighting with her again today and heard her crying and i just..... wanted her to stop. not because i care but because it makes me feel bad or something i dont know? oh yes, that must be it by the way. its probably guilt. yes its definitely guilt. even when she forgives me and even my boyfriend forgives me for being mean i get even more annoyed and it MUST be because i feel even more guilty?? i dont undersyand though why am i alwyas so mean. its really true i feel like the world is against me. i see people as friends or enemies and nothin inbetween like my boyfriend can make a mistake and i can get so fucking angry bc i think he wants to hurt me or something which is horrible. hes literally crying, telling me that he's been there for me all this time, when i wanted to die, when i fought with my parents and lost all my friends. hes telling me; "ive only been trying to help you. ive only been kind to you. why do you think i want to hurt you. i love you. why cant you see that"

just thinking back at those words gets me teary. hes so right but at moments like those i cant see or feel it. im blinded by.... i dont know. paranoia? hatred? fear? at that moment i refuse to see the truth in his words and instead i grow even more annoyed. and then i feel guilty and i try to shut him out which im doing by blaming him. i once forced him to break up with me just to blame him for it. thats some psycho shit and no matter how much im trying to undersyand i dont undersyand my own behavior but i also know im the first one to declare WAR as soon as someone criticize me. only my boyfriend can criticize me (when im stable, uhhh when im not stable im afraid i would be very very very mean to him). i only tteust him. but im also so guilty. hes too nice for me and we all know its true. im just using him. im using him. first i used him for his love and undersyanding. and now im not even in live with him anymore. now i use him because of everything we've been through, because i trust him better than anyone and because im svared of being alone and unloved. i dont know if i live him or if thats just some sick shit an abuser would tell themselves to keep staying with their target. i'd like to think i love him but maybe i only think about myself. maybe im only living on his love anyways because i sure as hell dont live myself. can i really say i love jim? look at me. im sad and i feel bad im about to text him i love him but then is top myself.... is that only me manipulating him? manipulating myself? i want to believe i love him to make me feel ebtter? ir would make sense considering how much i use him tor reassure myself. ive beeb doubting our relationship a lot and everytime i use him as a comforter to tell me everything will be fine.

i feel like im always mean and scare people away even though i want them to stay with me. even though i want to love them. why is it like that. why do i always feel so fucked up

sometimes im afraid to show this side and sometimes im not.

in struggling between moving on from the disgusting person i was but like..... i dont wanna escape. i feel like im only ignoring her snd i dont deserve it. i feel like im still that person no matter how much i try to move one idk. maybe its time? maybe it would feel better if i apologized but i just.... cant. im too proud. they both apologized to be snd in the moment i accepted and apologized to them too but now..... i dont know. sometimes i feel like i was a complete bitch and everhthing was my fault which it was. i was having a war with myself and i dragged them into it. i was paranoid and thought they only wanted to hurt me. but st the same time i also KNOW they did things that werent very smart. i dont think they did it on purpose like i think back then but...... fuck it was stupid and im still mad about it. i just felt so abandoned and humiliated and the reason i got so depressed back then was because i realized its because of who i am. similar things have happened before but i just kept going cus i thought they were dumb af but now i really realized i got issues. snd im afraid i wont ever be able to make a real friend if i cant fix it

i feel like i have to hide it and if i hide it and cant show it im a bad person and ppl will judge me and hate me (justified)

im trying to be positive and the better im feeling, the less mean i am but like...... im still mean and abusive.

#diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 260618

hi can i pls get some advice from all you intellectuals out there? i’ll try to be short

ok so im a chinese adoptee with a white family except for my lil sis but i dont think she’s woken up yet and i dont blame her i mean sure ive always been into social justixe but it took me 17 years to PERSONALLY wake up if u get what i mean

anyways im together with a white and it bothers me so much its not healthy at all at this point. and i cant stop thinking abt the fact that they’re white. everytime i see a white-poc couple i think the poc is internalized racist but then there’s me too and i HATE that. its enough with having a white family okay??? i know what the fuck you’re all thinking about us adoptees and i absolutely HATE it. if i was single today i’d never date a white but i got together with them before my identity crisis and the fact that they’ve been with me despoten all my fucked up breakdowns and shit is.... touching. they know me better than anyone. unlike my parents they are socially aware about politics and they’re the only person i feel like i can rant to (except for poc online). we’ve been through so much and its such a disgusting thing to say but i got abandonment issues and im just so fkn scared of being alone and never find anyone else who loves me/knows me.

i rly should break up cus im not even sure im in love... its just. fuCK im so lonely an asocial. i dont have any friends, i dont hang out with anyone and i cant really blame anyone but myself. i dont go out and meet people, i dont reply to potential friends messages i DONT KNOW WHY. all i do is sleep and eat junk food and watch kpop or smth.

this is such a mess tbh. i have no idea why im not breaking up. is it cus of guilt? is it bc im afraid to be alone? im not even sexually attracted to them anymore. everything has changed but if i were o break up i’d never be able to cuddle them if we break up. or just sleep together. or make sushi or travel or anything. i obviously like them, i just dont know if im in love anymore

can i really live like this for the rest of my life? it feels like i could cus im so fucking desperate and pathetic. i’ve done it before. i didnt realize it back then cus i was like 14 but yeah i was together with this dude until i met my ex-bff and i didnt feel lonely anymore or like i needed him. its so horrible cus i KNOW this is wrong... its like im waiting for the right opportunity to break up. back then i blamed it on the distance (lived in different cities). and its like im waiting for smth i can blame it on. ive thought about when we go to different colleges snd stuff like that

do you hear how fkd up this sounds??? im just so scared of getting depressed if i were to break up. i’ve already had my lowest point in life but im scared of going back. im not diagnosed with depression or anything and im too lazy to call a therpaist to talk to but i know that this is wrong, like this is NOT what i was like 3 years ago and the recent events ove been though csn support it too

you dont know how much i’ve struggled with my isentity. i’ve been thinking about cutting off ny whole white family and force myself into becoming independant. but wtf, that wont solve anything. that wont solve my lonliness. that wont make me feel more chinese, than will only make myself lonlier.

@ 13 year old me. i dont even have any friends anymore but obvs cus i got issues too lmao. abt the white partner.... i cant stop thinking abt this and it bothers me so much cus i cry at least once a day for being surrounded by all whites (family too). everytime i see a white-poc couple i think the poc is internalized racist but then there’s me too. if i was single today i’d never date a white... but im not single and i havent been for years now.

i rly should break up cus im not even sure im in love... at this point im just so scared of being lonely cus wow im such a disgusting human being with big abandonment issues. idk, theyre closer to me than my white family will ever be. i can rant to them how much i want but when the white jumps out or im aware of what we look like i get so fkn sad. i also rly want my children to look like me lmao if they're white im literally gonna kill myself.

this is such a mess tbh. im not even sure im in love. i have no idea why im not breaking up. is it cus of guilt? is it bc im afraid to be alone? im not even sexually attracted to them anymore. everything has changed but fick theyre the only one who undersyabd me. ghey undersyand me better than i do (not racism and sit obviously). i wont be able to cuddle them if we break up. or just sleep together. or make sushi or travel or anything

#diary #odfidk

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300418

hi im apologizing in advance to anyone who happens to read this but this is more for myself cus man i just had a huge fight with my white parents and im so frustrated that they dont understand and im so frustrated im so lonely and depressed and im so frustrated this sucks and yeah i really dont have ANYWHERE else to vent so here tumblr here u go pls u have been warned im having like an anxiety attack or smth right now so nothing will make sense anyways go away

i want to die. and i also wanna murder every single white person i see. for real i just really fucking hate white people. they literally destroy everything and i cant do this anymore. I CANT STAND BEING ISOLATED. my traumatic mental issues are preventing me from getting any friends (especially poc friends) so all i have is my stupid fucking white family and they just make me feel even worse. also my social anxiety prevents me from seeking help too because apparently you have to call these stupid psychologists and you cant just mail or text them or let a parent call them for you and calling people i dont know and talk to people i dont know is like a part of the problem i need help with?? like WHO WAS RHAT FUKING IDIOT WHO CANE UP WITH THE IDEA ”oh lets force our clients to call us in order to get help” LIKE DONT U FKN UNDERSTAND SOME OF US CANT. also most of the psychologist are probably white anyways and i really can’t handle whites anymore at all. just the thought of it makes me wanna puke. a part of me doesnt even wanna talk to a non-adoptee??? but that’s not very realistic. all i want is at least a NON-WHITE psychologist and where the fuck do i find that

i can’t talk to anyone. i don’t have a safe space anywhere except for online among other asians who hate whites. i feel like a prisoner in my own home. BITCH I CANT BREATHE 😭😭 I CANT REST 😭 WHITES ARE EVERYWJERE AND I LITERALLY HAVE TO LEEP MY MOUTH SHIT AND BOTTLE EVERYTJING UP UNTIL I EXPLODE LIKE THIS AND WANT TO DIE 😭😭 hate my white family so much i want to cut them off from my life forever. but thanks to my stupid abandonment issues and generally just mental illness and unhealthy perception of relationships i’m too scared to cut them off. i’m not strong enough to be on my own. i’m not capable of making friends. look at me im fucked up. i dont have any friends anymore cus i always manage to fuck things up and now im to tired and anxious to even try.

i also cant speak my mother tongue bc my stupid white parents let me grow up with only other whites and no exposure of my original culture or anything so THANKS TO THAT i’ll never get accepted in asia. i wont even get accepted by ”ordinary” asian immigrants or the asians born here cus at least they have their parenrs and relatives and part of the culture while i have…….. nothing. also i live in fucking sweden and even though we gor 20% poc here they’re literally nowhere to be seen cus my city is SEGREGATED AF and my awkward ass dont know how to approach other poc without being like ”HEY YO LETS BE FRIENDS ILY DONT LEAVE"

i hate myself, i hate my life, i hate my situation, i hate white people. i hate everyone. i don’t see any hope. i don’t see a positive future. and even if i did, id only see the negative shit that would happen after bc man life always disappoint me. and that shit would definitely be the death of me cus i woudnt be able to take anymore disappointments. the only thing im holding onto right now is that i’m too lazy, to tired and too scared to hurt myself.

also bc i REALLY wanna go and see bts lmaooo i didnt even know this was so important??? its not necessarily bc of them i mean i havent been into kpop for very long but then i found myself feeling this INTENSE ANXIETY THAT I NEED TO SEE THEM. it feels like its now or never. its my only chance. it feels like im gonna DIE IF IM NOT SEEING THEM. not only to see THEM but to see ASIANS. like im desperate bitches it sounds so fetishizing but for real i need POSITIVE ASIAN REPRESENTATION AND YOU COULD BASICALLY SAY BTS AND KPOP HAS SAVED MY LIFE BECAUSE GOD DAMN IT IT SOUNDS SO CHEESY BUT THEY REALLY HAVE!! not obly cus they’re asian but also cus theyre friends and i dont jave any friends so all i do is watching their friendship and dream about smth ill never have

but hey i probably wont get any tickets and tbh i can already feel that thats gonna make me depressed af. especially when all these ugly rich white koreaboos will be seeing them and im here all alone, feeling like the only ones i can turn to is a fucking kpop group. how fucking sad isn’t that. i’m not even korean, but it’s like they’re the closest i can get. whites be taking iver everything. i grew up in a fkn white family i know jow they think. they dont. my family isnt even ”racist” theyre racist cus theyre white u get me. like they dont undersyand the hidden racism by calling it an ordinary asian store ”china store” its so normal to them. all my life ive wanted to be a whitey AND NOW WHEN I FINALLY FOUND KPOP THEY WANNA STEAL THAT SHIT TOO OMG IM GOING NUTS

like racists always tell me to go back to my country BUT I NEVER FKN CHOSE TO BE HERE MY PARENTS LITERALLY BOUGHT ME THEY EVEN GOT 80K FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTION FROM OUR GOVERNMENT SO THEY COULD AFFORD MY ADOPTION BUT OUR GIVERNMENT CANT EVEN HELP ME WITH A TINY RE-VISIT TO THE FUCKING PLACE I WAS BORN AND THE ORPHANAGE I SPEND MY 2 FIRST YEARS IN??? like ffs i have to deal with racism 24/7 but give me some fkn money and i’ll be off in a week fuck YOU. at the same time all these nasty white rich hoes can travel across asia like 55 times a year just to exploit our culture and treat my people like SHIT AND NOT ONLY TJAY!! not only cant i go back to my country while whites can…. I CANT EVEN FUCKING SEE THIS ONE SINGLE KPOP GROUP I LIKE WITHOUT THESE FUCKTARD CUNTS NOT BEING ABLE TO CONTROL THEIR COLONIALIST GENES AND STAY IN THEIR FKN LANE

ANYWAYS also also my white brothers make fun of bts and kpop cus they think its just “another stupid boyband” like 1D or smth because their stupid white ass cant comprehend they have 2 asian sisters and that one of them maybe miss her fucking race and hate her life so fucking much that the only thing she’s doing right now is to watch anime and kpop 24/7 bc that’s the only thing she can escape to

ugh i always hate ranting like this cus when i’ve revovered i will cringe so much and i will regret everything i’ve said and i will act fine and i just wanna forget that this ever happened and euw. i just REALLY hate white people and seeing bts would honestly make me so happy. i have a goal of travelling back to china when i have the money but its so far away, im broke, and my parents would rather spend the money on greece for the 6th time than visiting the place i was born SO WHEN I SAID SEEING BTS WOULD GIVE ME ENOUGH DOPAMIN TO SURVIVE ANOTHER YEAR I WASNT FUCKING LYING I NEED SMTH TO HOLD ONTO!! I NEED ASIANS IN MY LIFE GOD DAMN IT

and i HATE that white people take it so personally like my dad is so fkn stupid he must think being schizo cus really cant understand the difference between individuals and groups so when i be lile ”i hate u” and ”ily” he’s like ???? 😭😭😭 god i dont even know if i love em anymore tbh, theyre THAT fkn dumb and then i dont even wanna IMAGINE other adoptive parentS OMG like no wonder so many adoptees grow up with HUGE internalized racism issues smhhh thats sad af cus they be turning their back on their poc cousins just to fit in and be loved by their parents 😭😭😭 rip

#diary #odfidk