#only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is

[yaoianime]

Soon im rly gonna do it

#🕸️ #sui mention #< in the tags tho cuz it feels nicer to talk abt this in tags than in the post itself cuz to me posts are like talking normally but tags are #like whispering? talking you can tune out if you want but whispering is rather more voluntary to say it doesnt matter however #every single year passes and i wish i didnt live in each and every one of them i feel disconnected dissatisfied empty disappointed every day #it can be a small part of a day or a bigger but its still there clenching onto me like and never letting go im tired of it theres always a #wall between me and otyer ppl im unsure if i put it there or was it put there by other ppl but its there and even if anyone tries to reach #into it do i understand how even if close are we really far away it makes me understand just how much of an abnormality i am and how much i #cant ever be like them no matter how much i try and climb and crawl until i bleed its exhausting its maddening #almost everything i do is shaped by spite i wear one bracelet for years out of spite i dont smoke out of spite i dont shave my hands not #only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is #to keep them at a lenght outside that wall if they get in then theres only two choices for them to dislike me or even hate my entire being #or me to shove them back out without ever letting them get in #coworkers say im a nice kind person but im not its all just a facade to make my life easier and to suit myself im hateful but i dont believe #its entirely my fault after all they will to my face make fun of. laugh at. and hate everything of me they would see in other ppl that dont #hide it deep within like i do and then it rly hits me how different abnormal foul disgusting and unnatural i am #im hit with his every talk that goes on too long every word that keeps going every touch every expression every comment made on my behalf #its exhausting to live this way i fear im near my limit i havent reached it but who knows when i will #i sometimes dream of doing it and leaving behind a note wishing nothing but painful suffering to everyone i ever knew irl but i dont want to #do that to my best friends and my dog but who knows how long its left before the thread breaks #thats all like comment and subscribe if you personally would do me a favor by taking me out back and shooting me

[mothfishing]

[rambles abt neo augment]

something abt neo augment to me is like. it CAN'T mean anything unless cyborg was a big part of it. not even necessarily in its construction but at the very least its design and concept and so on (though in my interpretation they were also involved in its construction); without it, it's rendered worse than worthless. just cause like...they clearly reject their past self before their memories returned. it would be unfair and selfish of aloe to design their upgrade such that it matched what they used to look like more closely unless that was something they expressed wanting to do. even if it was aloe’s idea that cyborg agreed to, it would remain weird and self-serving on aloe’s part - it has to have been something cyborg asked for.

they have a buuuuunch of pre-mem lines like "There is no Cookie, only Cyborg!" and "We're nothing alike!", so that part's pretty clear. for me it always seemed as though there were two parts to this rejection:

one, part of it was to spite aloe, who spoke of their past often and who they had grown to resent. if aloe wanted the old them so badly, they'd make sure to kill that past self as thoroughly as possible.

two, in larger part, they seem to have some flashes of their past? enough to cause them grief and enough for them to decide they want none of it at all. im thinking of stuff like how they talk about their nightmares - they seem to have some recollection of certain things. and when i say it caused them grief, i mean like...stuff like the discrepancy between what they can remember and their present circumstances. they might have had faith aloe initially w/o knowing who aloe was bc what they could remember was "this person is someone i can trust", and then aloe's actions broke that trust, and the vague impression that things were great vs how awful everything they can actually recall experiencing is...sucks. it adds a layer of betrayal to what aloe’s done, even if they can’t remember why it would be a betrayal. so it feels better to toss all of it out for reasons they might be unaware or at least unable to articulate themself.

(one example of this in my portrayal is their hair; i see them as vastly preferring to have it in a pony bc they don’t like it getting in the way. this persisted after they were revived, and it’s not like they didn’t have access to any hair ties - aloe didn’t take their stuff away. but they let it loose after a certain point because keeping it up was familiar, and the familiar had become something to reject.)

so that was pre-mem.

some of cyborg's lines and descriptions give me the impression that they both have sensory issues that cause pain, as well as having very inefficient power usage. this was exasperated after they replicated themself, bc since i see the cyborgs as acting like a hivemind controlled by 1 cyborg rather than being true clones, it means they're suddenly getting ALL the low power feedback from ALL the bodies at once and they just 💥. (hence why there was no mention of the energy stealing plan during ion's section and why they seemed a little too preoccupied to really take any of the revenge they DID mention in ion's section)

and the reason i mention it is bc i think that woulda been one of the initial motivations behind a major overhaul like neo augment, fixing the power and pain issues. i like to portray cyborg as like...they just want to treat everything like it’s fine and nothing happened and everything’s back to normal now, maybe they were a LITTLE upset but they got their memories back so it’s all fixed!!!! and yet they’re still skittish about an upgrade that would, objectively, improve their quality of life; they won’t need to lug bb battery around to keep their charge high, they won’t be in pain, they’ll be able to feel proper sensation without feeling like there’s a metal film between them and the world, and so on.

and yet.

so they put it off, but they aren’t at a place where they can acknowledge exactly why they’re doing that; there’s other reasons they think of, other excuses they make, and is it really so bad after all? they don’t go outside much anymore, anyway, so they barely notice the power and sensitivity issues. everyone probably hates them after what they did, so they don’t talk to anyone. 

it’s fine.

of course, they aren’t fine, they’re depressed; they say they don’t go out because no one likes them and not because they’re experiencing lethargy, they say they’ve been sleeping (or “sleeping”, given they’re a robot now) more to conserve power and not because they’re depressed, they say no one likes them because, well, obviously no one would like them after their stunt hijacking the power grid, when no one holds it against them. and they bury themself in the stuff they used to make because they want to act like everything is as it was and nothing has changed, but it’s hard and they can’t make themself focus on anything and it’s frustrating

...anyway what i mean to say with all this is i really like can’t buy that any embrace of augmentation cyborg would express right after getting their memories back would be anything but a trauma response and deeply unhealthy for them, and even though at least i hc that an upgrade would be necessary at some point, to make it happen before like. some serious healing can be done would be a mistake. they expressed so much anger and upset at the augments during the cyborg menace event itself; while i generally portray the situation as being “aloe fucked up and caused the issues previously outlined and was trying to fix them”, aloe ALSO fucked up by not clearly explaining this to cyborg...so the experience was just frightening and upsetting for them and rightfully so. nothing happened to aloe in the event that they didn’t earn, and im still bitter that cyborg was the one who apologized instead of aloe doing so

whoops ok tangent over

ANYWAY i think that there’s a lot of stuff they and aloe need to work through even if superficially they’d rather paint over everything and say it’s Fine (and if aloe’s worth anything at all, aloe wouldn’t want to let said issues be painted over) before neo augment can happen. they gotta talk about, cyborg’s gotta get some space, aloe’s got a lot to make up for, and so on and so on and so on. and since neo augment can’t happen until all that happens...it becomes...a symbol of it HAVING happened.

and it has to be cyborg’s idea, and it has to be something they ask for, and it has to be something they’re a big part of, and the fact that its description says it resembles their old self has to be because they want to resemble their old self, not because aloe just made it for them and decided all alone that cyborg should resemble the person they used to be.

it has to represent more progress than just the end of the event

#cookie run #cyborg cookie #cookieposting