#or planner or w/e when I start to wane a bit it goes unnoticed. so it’s back into the cycle. and I’m not sure if this will ever stop being

[coldvampire]

i think it’s time for another social break.

#to be clear this isn’t in relation to current events #it’s just about my personal life. #I’m back stuck in that cycle where I feel like I don’t have friends > I lose energy and motivation to socialize #& seeing stuff w other people who are Not in that cycle makes it. so much worse. lol. #yes yes hypocrite moment I know I’m also busy I know adult life makes it hard etc etc I’m still going to feel #emotions about it. #idk as much as I say living near people would be ideal for happy surface reasons truthfully I think if I’m not in someone line of sight #I get forgotten #like roommates are great (sometimes) bc forced proximity means there’s something built in #I say plural bc I also know you need to rotate socially. better for everyone involved. #like idk. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way or how to break out of it #and getting my ass away from social media is really the only way I know to stop me from getting Extremely hurt and jealous lmao #I’m bad at maintaining connection after a while and I think bc at the start of friendships I usually Do have the energy to be the ‘starter’ #or planner or w/e when I start to wane a bit it goes unnoticed. so it’s back into the cycle. and I’m not sure if this will ever stop being #a thing for me? also I can’t blame anyone for seeing that and Not wanting to reach out bc like. why would you #as great as I can be short term I don’t feel like I’m worth the trouble once I pass a certain ‘expiration date’ #so as much as I’d want to be more mad about it I can’t really be bc I Get It. I do. but it’s still depressing. #it’s so stupid of me really bc I do this ridiculous thing where I’ll Light Up when I feel like someone’s interested bc it’s nice! #its a nice feeling! so naturally it’ll make me perk up a bit more even if I’m feeling otherwise low #and it doesn’t take much so maybe I’m giving the impression I take effort? idk I know I can be skittish at first. I don’t want to come on #strong or annoying. (we’re all annoying kill the cringe etc etc but if you want friends you need to sync up at least) #but maybe that’s off putting?? I don’t know. I’m out of ideas on how to be. #I haven’t even had the energy to make content or really even think about my characters bc it feels like there’s no point. sometimes in the #past I could at least rely on that a bit to be a sort of bridge to reach out to people with but I just don’t feel like I’m able to. #the posts I made just steadily got less and less interest over the spring and summer and I always felt like #in servers I’d just suck the air out of the room bc people felt polite but uninterested. #everyone else was also able to move past and be friends outside of that and I just never could manage even over multiple years sometimes #and over time that’s just weighed on me a lot. no matter where I go I always end up feeling like I’m supposed to be temporary #social filler. how do you end up meeting people when it just constantly recoil from your efforts? #being weird isn’t as fun when it’s the Wrong Kind.