#oscillates between I’m fine I can deal and THIS CANT BE NORMAL HOW DOES ANYONE LIVE

[shatterthefragments]

Sometimes I wonder: if I was medicated, would I still have over 720 tabs open in one browser alone?

Most of them are fanfic. Some are a To Be Read. Some of them I have read and I am waiting to be able to get through the block that’s telling me no you need to make a BETTER comment than that bc sometimes I have the energy and momentum to leave sometimes even line by line comments (I haven’t really in a long time. I used to be able to read on the bus without feeling sick and I would do this on my commute on the bus) but a lot of the time right now I only have emojis in me and no more speech is within.

How can I convey my love? When can I? (After my fucking taxes :() I just. I don’t know. I don’t want to build any expectations bc I just. I don’t always have that in me and then I retreat I have over 1000 updates for like. One fandom alone that I just. Sometimes I might just need to go 😘💖🥰 and maybe that’ll just have to be enough because I would be delighted to have someone make the effort to leave that on my own stories. Bc I am sadly only one me. I can’t do everything I want, despite truly believing I can when I’m in a high.

OVERWHELM

And then I retreat.

Avoidance is uh. Kinda my thing. Even for the things I love and enjoy and I wish desperately I could make myself do but my brain won’t let me do anything but stare straight ahead. And my stupid brain is just. I can’t get through that block easily.

I’m doing my best. (No, you didn’t even go to bed when you could’ve. You know you need to sleep to be able to think to go to work and work on your taxes but you just dissociated for god knows how long when you need to be asleep)

…I’m trying.

And I want nothing more than to sink into fandom and let its warm blanket cocoon me, but unfortunately there are lots of things I have to do and take care of here.

That being said when something that’s not quite as Priority Required They’ll Know Something‘s Wrong If I Don’t. And if it’s just a thing I do for fun (for the fixation demon) then if it causes me any stress I’m out. I can’t.

And if my wishes were fishes I’d have an aquarium.

#screams ‘I KNOW I’m killing the browser’ but I just can’t change. though I did get it close to 600 at one point #shatters’ fragments #shattered fragments #oh did this kinda turn venty? #vent #in case #this is something I think about fairly often #too caught up in my own head #despite constantly trying to get out of it #oscillates between I’m fine I can deal and THIS CANT BE NORMAL HOW DOES ANYONE LIVE