shatterthefragments

[shatterthefragments]

Sometimes I wonder: if I was medicated, would I still have over 720 tabs open in one browser alone?

Most of them are fanfic. Some are a To Be Read. Some of them I have read and I am waiting to be able to get through the block that’s telling me no you need to make a BETTER comment than that bc sometimes I have the energy and momentum to leave sometimes even line by line comments (I haven’t really in a long time. I used to be able to read on the bus without feeling sick and I would do this on my commute on the bus) but a lot of the time right now I only have emojis in me and no more speech is within.

How can I convey my love? When can I? (After my fucking taxes :() I just. I don’t know. I don’t want to build any expectations bc I just. I don’t always have that in me and then I retreat I have over 1000 updates for like. One fandom alone that I just. Sometimes I might just need to go 😘💖🥰 and maybe that’ll just have to be enough because I would be delighted to have someone make the effort to leave that on my own stories. Bc I am sadly only one me. I can’t do everything I want, despite truly believing I can when I’m in a high.

OVERWHELM

And then I retreat.

Avoidance is uh. Kinda my thing. Even for the things I love and enjoy and I wish desperately I could make myself do but my brain won’t let me do anything but stare straight ahead. And my stupid brain is just. I can’t get through that block easily.

I’m doing my best. (No, you didn’t even go to bed when you could’ve. You know you need to sleep to be able to think to go to work and work on your taxes but you just dissociated for god knows how long when you need to be asleep)

…I’m trying.

And I want nothing more than to sink into fandom and let its warm blanket cocoon me, but unfortunately there are lots of things I have to do and take care of here.

That being said when something that’s not quite as Priority Required They’ll Know Something‘s Wrong If I Don’t. And if it’s just a thing I do for fun (for the fixation demon) then if it causes me any stress I’m out. I can’t.

And if my wishes were fishes I’d have an aquarium.

#screams ‘I KNOW I’m killing the browser’ but I just can’t change. though I did get it close to 600 at one point #shatters’ fragments #shattered fragments #oh did this kinda turn venty? #vent #in case #this is something I think about fairly often #too caught up in my own head #despite constantly trying to get out of it #oscillates between I’m fine I can deal and THIS CANT BE NORMAL HOW DOES ANYONE LIVE

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Look. I’m sorry beloved pianist I would love to see. But I am seeing Halestorm and Evanescence that same night 😘

Also why no transfer for these ones :(

Now I have to meet up with/go over with the people I’m going with and actually be Early (I am. Usually running late) :( and if I can’t transfer they probably can’t e-transfer me for the ticket(s) until we actually attend. I’ll live. But 😬

#I did buy tickets and I’m going with a friend/coworker and possibly one other friend? #I’ve never gone to a concert with two people before so uh. we’ll see how this works out #and also I’m a little awkward about the whole Where Are We Staying Thing bc I don’t want to room with them #they’re amazing and I love them very much but they don’t mask and so I will not stay in the same room as them as a principle #and in theory I can stay with my aunt and sister perhaps but there truly is only space for me on the floor not another person (thankfully!?) #but idk if I want to since it’ll be a late show #and the sister will have school on the morning and ahntie work #so I think it would be easier to find a hotel in the city tbh #but unless we got a suite and I got the bedroom with a door so I could run my air filter I just. wouldn’t stay with them. #at least the other friend is local and can just go home #(anyway I checked my email and opened my Concerts Near You email and it’s a Bad Idea ok!!! so many I can’t afford or go to at all) #it’s a while away I’m going to try to worry about some of this other stuff first…

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Tattoo day 💖

(A tale of hope, wonder, happiness, and the existential horror(?) of having ink beneath one’s skin, though vastly overshadowed by the elation in having such beautiful pieces of art adorning my body.)

(Hitting post!!! As always: Feel free to reply and chat etc etc I am DELIGHTED!!)

So it was a weird day because I left later than I had initially wanted to.

My plan of wanting to go relax in my favourite gardens beforehand was a bit foiled by the need to sleep (I went to an event the evening before and despite trying to get my laundry done and my bag packed uhhh it was still midnight before I sort of made it to bed so I decided to take a later trip instead)

But I passed by my favourite island on the way and the weather was absolutely beautiful!!!

The sparkles on the ocean are like?!? Maybe all is good in the world if it can sparkle like this? 💖✨

My note from the ride is:

The world glitters

(I am by the ocean on a sunny day)

But it’s ok that I didn’t get my garden time. I still managed to get a monthly special croissant from a bakery I really like to stick in my bag before getting sushi across the street from the tattoo shop and then heading over 💖

I uh. Should’ve eaten more earlier in the day but oh well. My artist told me to take Advil before to reduce swelling so I did (and my friend said I didn’t bleed very much at all which was nice esp bc I had mixed advice on the Advil beforehand) but I also took Tylenol bc I had a headache (it’s. been a fairly bad pain week in both head and body honestly so I’m just happy that my hips and legs were ok to walk bc there isn’t really another option in the city unless I want to pay ridiculous amounts of money AND still have to walk)

(I did accidentally kick a syringe while walking to the bus but there was no needle and I wear closed toe shoes and I am still alive so I’m assuming I’m ok tbh. Even though I was kinda trying to watch where I’m going I’m maybe just. Not *that* city savvy)

One of my absolute best friends who lives sort of in the area joined me for the whole thing 🥰💖

She approved the Vibes of the shop (and truly it was so nice to have her there as support) (also all three of us being not neurotypical was very nice as well) though was quite worried about the amount of shading that was on the art piece I got 😬 but bc it wasn’t a HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU THINKING moment she held off until after so I didn’t get scared of that 🫂

We did the text piece first and a few parts of the outline hurt a bit more than I was expecting based on the “small little line” that my Artist started each section out with first (which was very kind of them bc I had no idea what to expect) but strangely enough the filling in of the text outline was perfectly fine.

And then for my arm piece I chose to lay on my stomach (maybe I should’ve had a pillow or something to lay on as well?) bc it’s WAY more comfy for me than to lay on my side as was suggested but I just was not comfortable 😬 though my left arm kinda kept falling asleep a bit so I had to readjust sometimes to have it not fall asleep.

The shading. Uh. Definitely was “ok this is fine oh Ouch” each pass but it was ok. I’m most comfortable on my stomach and until it was like getting a bit bad and I wanted to talk as a distraction I was actually kinda thinking that maybe I could fall asleep?

Unfortunately there was a very sudden wave of nausea when we were almost done this one and I threw up in my mouth a little bit. It’s ok. But swallowing back down the acid definitely fucked up my throat through the next day.

So I had a break and slowly sipped on the juice box I brought and held hands with my friend (“you’re almost there and not the fake almost there like you’re actually nearly done”) and then we continued in a seated position instead (which. Is fine for the amount that was left but I am very glad that I didn’t have to sit like that for longer than that did.) (anybody that can’t sit normal Knows) (I asked if there was anything I could put my feet on and luckily there was a stool so I could sit more comfortably.)

Then after we went to the pharmacy for aquaphor and a sugary snack for me (I got a chocolate bar)

She had to go back to work but we got to take the bus most of the way together before I switched to the next part of the trip to my aunt’s where I stayed for the night.

And then I got to hang out with my sister and have a bit of a lazy morning (kinda avoiding going home tbh) which was super nice! Coffee and a little breakfast snack before going to get bao (we got a few different kinds - I liked the red bean one best :)) and eating them in the complex’s yard- shifting our position in the yard as the sun moved (I was initially going to be in the shade but it was cold and wet and I Specifically wore a long sleeve for sun protection to protect the new tattoos (I don’t burn easily but that’s not the point). And then the bubble tea place nearby opened so we got bubble tea :) and shared a waffle but I didn’t really want very much I just wanted to try it but then I was hungry by the time I got to the second part of my trip back home which is fine I got food then.

And then I did have to leave to go home if I didn’t want to be too late.

Gosh I always end up sweating when I go up and down one of the big ramps in a glass enclosure so even though I tried to really take it easy to avoid sweating I fear I may have a bit. But I think it should be okay? (I feel like I’m doing okay now a week later)

I made it home around 7 or so? And then had to like. Talk to mum for an hour or so while I was just trying to eat so I could take another Advil before bed which. Is fine. But I was tired all weekend and still am tired (esp given I now have Flesh Wounds to heal which makes me extra eepy) (it makes me smile to say eepy instead rn so I’m gonna)

Every time I look at my arm I smile I’m so happy 💖🥰

And every time since that I think I don’t love myself I just. NO. I love myself so much that I started to adorn myself with art to carry with me at all times.

I love myself so much that I faced my phobia of needles (though it IS much easier when not faced with them individually) in order to get one of the things I’ve wanted inked into me for a long time and another that I was just fully captivated by when I saw that design available (and STILL available when I decided to go for it which I’m super happy about 🥰)

I’m so glad that I did go for it.

I’m so glad I didn’t get caught up in any bullshit of “oh when I lose weight” even though I’ve been about the same size for years. Or get caught up too much in what other people will think of me.

I’m so thankful I was able to get these tattoos 🥰💖

And now I just hope that I’m able to heal well 🥰💖

And all that said. It just feels *right*.

When I look down at my forearm and see one of the things I’ve envisioned there for a long time. When I look in the mirror and see black ink against my skin it feels more like I’m at home in my body. 🥰🥹

It feels right

(Well. Right now it feels itchy. But it feels right 🥰)

it’s FLAKY but ah well.

(As a side note if we’ve talked here I am most likely willing to send you pictures privately)

#😘

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#it was Monkey Man. so. I’m fucked.

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What do conductors even do like actually

#i shatter queue

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this does not apply if you wear exclusively leggings. Those things tear all the time you need like a million on standby

#uh DEFINITELY more than 6 😬✌️✨ #polls #I frequently lose pants as well ESPECIALLY WORK PANTS #so I have at least 6 pants I can wear to work (where did the other four+ pants GO?!?!?) and some extra backups that I can wear but I hate #I have three or four corduroy #I have capris and shorts and some vaguely athletic wear #I have jeans now?!? (bc I can wear jeans to work) #so I have at least three normal pairs and I have two that are supposed to be way better but they’re. a tad big? #im like right in between sizes in the three main brands I have now. 😩 #im stuck in between They Fall Down and They’re Too Tight land and it sucks #NO I WILL NOT WEAR A BELT IF I CAN HELP IT I HATE THEM (except for aesthetic ✨) #I also have at least two pairs of sweats BUT WHERE THE FUCK DID MY OTHERS GO?!? #and I have at least five that are in a bag for me to learn to repair the thigh holes in :( #anyway. #if your thighs are too powerful and destroy the mortal fabric between your legs you are also exempt from this judgement #bc ugh. 😩

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…I don’t know if an omelette sandwich with French toasted bread will be any good but if I want to not buy my lunch tomorrow that’s what I have.

#food #shatters’ fragments

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Measured in letters, not syllables. Please do *not* put your deadname in the tags, I don't want to know that

#longer but I need to find a new one bc it doesn’t feel right after I found out some more info #but it’s also been Mine since sixth grade (guarded to me) #I haven’t found a new name yet. so I just have my Shatters here and trying to find a new one still #polls

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listening to the song at max volume isn't enough I need to be laid in a sensory deprivation tank and have it just. playing. as the only thing I can hear and all I can think about.

#ok but for real #👀 I wonder if they’d let me #I was kinda wanting to try it out while cases were lower but now I think I’d only go if I could still wear a mask #and I tried so hard. (I looped Blood Sport and screamed alongside as I drove home one day) but it wasn’t ENOUGH #bc the city has a sensory deprivation thing 👀 #idk. i don’t have money to rn anyway I need to save for my trip and seeing sleep token 🥰 #…and I might buy merch for once? (I like to buy cds but that’s only at local gigs) #so that’s another thing… #ANYWAY

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Happy Teeth of God day to all who celebrate!

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Procrastinating taxes by cooking (a necessary task if I want to have food for my lunch tomorrow) and showering (though that was mostly bc I was so itchy I did cave in a rub my arm a little bit but I’ll still do it bc clean me is good me

Surely if I have to report the money I made at a craft fair I can claim the expenses to produce stickers.

Just *how* 😭

#shatters’ fragments

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ATTENTION

If you see this you are OBLIGATED to reblog w/ the song currently stuck in your head :)

#very nice #IDWT$ bad omens is mine #unless it’s actually the duo of What It Cost and Like A Villain

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i get a little bit of free time and start going "what if i taught myself woodworking" girl work on ur resume

#i shatter queue #and bc I love your tags: #this post just punched me in the face

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the people have spoken so as requested, i have archived all my tumblr prompts by fandom on AO3! links are below if you’d like to take a look, and if you prefer to read on tumblr, you can look under #prompts for everything

The Old Guard

The Hunger Games

Good Omens

#👀 ooh #fanfic

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take aim by sleep token is 100% a sunshine song

ive been thinking about this all day since take aim came on this morning on the way to school. fic thing below the read more :) sorry if its a little wonky, i havent written in a couple weeks

sunshine x cumulus x cirrus :)

-

her hands are overly warm sometimes, fire bubbling beneath her skin in a way she can't describe; the heat of them leaving behind redness whenever she cups Cumulus's cheeks in them; she soothes it away with a kiss, a rush of cool air against hot skin.

Cumulus smiles at her, sweet and small, leaning in for another kiss as her own hands come up to rest over the backs of Sunshine's, pouring love and affection in through their bond until there's a low rumbling of a once buried instinct vibrating her chest.

she wasn't the type to purr before being summoned; fighting tooth and nail to survive in the pit, but something about being surrounded by love, by her pack, it makes her want to give into her inhibitions.

(and she does, sometimes. in the quietness of her bedroom, curled up together with Cumulus, her ear resting over where Cumulus's heart is strong, beating loud and steady in her chest.

she's safe here.)

sometimes sunshine forgets she's more air than fire, even though the fire rushes heady in her veins, her temper catching and making her the more volatile one between the three of them; cirrus-sunshine-cumulus.

they're a trio now, sunshine welcomed into their fold so soon after her summoning. she doesn't have feathers like Cumulus or Cirrus or even Swiss, instead, she's got patches of scaly skin hidden beneath her clothes, clusters of scales gathered in the hollow of her throat, creeping up the sides of her neck; they're a coppery color similar to her hair.

it doesn't bother her that she looks more fire than she actually feels, but sometimes she wishes she had the soft feathers that Cumulus has, downy and gently against skin.

even when Cirrus coos at her and nuzzles in under her throat, cheek pressed against her overly warm scales, a happy and content sound, she often wonders if Cirrus is just humoring her eclectic parts.

she remembers being summoned, the questioning nudge of a somewhat territorial fire ghoul; she knows what she looks like and what she had looked like to Dew when they'd first met, her curls fanned out like a mane, her wings spread wide; they weren't feathered like the other air ghouls, but leathery, marking her closer to one of His creatures than the other ghouls.

there had been a somewhat wild look in her eyes when she'd landed on the surface, excited to be out of the pits, ready to be part of something other than strife.

the girls had accepted her in almost immediately, staking claim to her in a way that had eased something inside of her; she wasn't territorial by nature, having two fire ghouls even one that's only somewhat half of one, could be tricky, difficult, but she was mostly air and for all of her vices that settled her down, evened our turbulent emotions out enough to make it seem normal.

to make her seem normal.

except when she wasn't, but this was something that the others, that her pack had come to love about her, attuned to her moods so intimately.

Cirrus and Cumulus were her rocks though. the ones who kept her steady, kept her present even when the heat kept licking at her skin over and over and over.

able to give a firm hand when needed, the two of them typically handled Sunshine with gentle touches, they weren't afraid of her, of what she could do if left unchecked, if the fire beneath her skin broke free from its confines.

Sunshine's eyes flutter closed and Cirrus chirps softly, pressing a kiss to the cluster of coppery scales against her throat as the bed dips and Cumulus fits herself right into the nest, curling an arm over Cirrus and resting her head on Sunshine's pillow as the scent of calmness surrounds them.

somewhere deep in Sunshine's chest, a ragged purr rattles its way out.

#fanfic #ghost fanfic #ghost #fuck I love them 🥹 #and I especially adore all the descriptions of WINGS 💖😍🥰 #sunshine ghoulette #cirrus ghoulette #cumulus ghoulette

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My throat was not made for training other people

(I’m having my lunch and warm/hot water now though)

#I’ve spoken more in this morning than the last two days easily

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I will literally joke about how I'm a hater then remember people literally have whole blogs dedicated to hating people and media and actually maybe I'm a lover who happens to occasionally dabble on criticising the things i don't like.

#i shatter queue