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freedomfireflies · 10 months

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Five to Go Live*

Summary: The fifth and final part to One for the Money*

Mr. Styles, your boss (and the CEO of the company you work for), offers to help you expand your OnlyFans business.

But maybe you want more.

And maybe he does, too.

Word Count: 11.5k (I have no idea what happened tbh)

*Contains Mature and Explicit content! Please only consume what you feel comfortable with!💞You are so much more important!*

“Good morning, Mr. Styles.”

The tense frame of the man pacing in front of the window stills when he hears your greeting.

You’re five minutes early, coffee in hand, ready to begin your workday.

However, he doesn’t turn around as you enter his office. But the slight glimpse of his profile lets you know he’s acutely aware of your presence.

He stays by his desk, offering nothing more than his silence as you set down his drink and move for the couch.

“Good morning,” is his brisk greeting. It’s not any warmer or colder than usual. It’s just him. “Do you have the reports I asked for?”

“Right here.” You drop them onto the coffee table. “Ready for your meeting this afternoon.”

“Good.” He stares out at the city, unwilling to look you in the eye. “And you’ve confirmed with Nadia?”

“Yes. She’s calling for a driver as we speak.”

He nods once, fingers flexing beside his thighs before he finally ventures a glance over his shoulder. “And I suppose you’d like to talk to me about the other day.”

You flip open the laptop and pull up your email, eyebrow raised. “The other day?”

He turns to you, and you feel his heated stare. “I believe I owe you an explanation.”

“Not really,” you respond, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. “You agreed to help me with the video, and you did. I didn’t expect you to stay, Sir.”

Your peripheral catches his slight frown. “You didn’t?”

“No.” You open his schedule and begin jotting down a few notes from Nadia’s email. “You’re not exactly the cuddling type. Probably would have been weirder if you had stayed.”

His hands disappear into his pockets as he regards you. “I never meant to upset you.”

“You didn’t.” Another shrug. “I knew what I agreed to, and now we’re done. No harm, no foul.”

The frown deepens. “Still, I shouldn’t have walked out on you like that—”

“Mr. Styles,” you interrupt, turning to face him, “I wasn’t under the illusion that things would change just because we fucked. I didn’t need aftercare, I didn’t need your words of affirmation, and I didn’t need you to stay.”

Something unrecognizable passes over his features.

You lean forward. “We’re good, Sir.”

The office goes quiet. You know him well enough by now to know what it looks like when he’s biting back a response.

And you imagine there are quite a few things he’d like to berate you for, but instead, he merely clamps his jaw shut and nods.

“All right.” He returns to his desk and takes a seat. “Let’s begin.”

The rest of the workweek carries on like usual. Things return to normal. Or at least to the way they were before he admitted to knowing about your outside activities.

And you find that you’re grateful for that. It’s much easier to only imagine him as your boss instead of your…business partner.

What happened that afternoon in the hotel room was great. Fantastic, even. But it was only ever an act of generosity. A favor, more like. He helped you exactly the way he said he would and now it’s over.

You won’t ever have to think about him like that again.

So…you don’t.

At least, you try not to. But it proves quite difficult.

After deciding against posting the whole video for your channel, and instead only uploading the part where he comes on your tits, it becomes harder to ignore what you two have done.

After all, the response is overwhelming. Positive, excited, and extremely lucrative. Most of the requests are for more of the mysterious man they’ve come to know, and you try not to feel disappointed when you realize there won’t be any more guest appearances.

You wonder if he’s watched it. Wonder if he remembers that day the way you do.

Sometimes you slip up, and you watch the beginning just to hear him talk to you. You watch the way you undress him. Watch the way he kisses you. Watch the way he drives himself inside of you and begs you to come for him.

But then it hits you. Like a fucking freight train. It won’t ever happen again, and lingering on the one time it did isn’t healthy.

So, you turn it off, and attempt to resume life as normal.

You reach out to Max to apologize yet again for what happened, and he’s incredibly understanding. He asks if you’d like to meet for drinks and go over another scene for the future.

And you agree because you will do anything to put Mr. Styles in your rearview mirror.

You don’t mention the meeting to your boss. You figure it won’t do any good, and even if he disapproved, it’s not like he would tell you.

This is your game now. Not his.

So, with a new lease on life, you head for the bar to meet with Max, eager to find out what he has in store.

He’s happy to see you. Pulling out your chair and refusing any attempts at apologies that you offer.

Which you’re more than appreciative of, although you can’t help feeling a bit guilty that he didn’t get the content he’d been wanting.

“Seriously, don’t even worry about it,” he repeats for the third time since you sat down. “Honestly. I get it, once other people get involved, it gets complicated.”

“Yeah,” you agree quietly, sheepishly glancing down at your lap. “But still. He shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have let him run you out like that.”

He smiles. “It’s fine. Listen, your boyfriend has nothing to worry about. Really. And we can proceed however you feel is best—”

“Oh, no, he’s…he’s not my boyfriend,” you interject, head shaking quickly. “No, he was just…nobody. He’s nobody. Anymore.”

Max studies you for a moment, seemingly curious at your insistence. “Oh? Does…he know that?”

You swallow thickly and take hold of your glass. “Yeah. He does.”

A beat before he nods.

“All right.” Max takes a swig himself. “As long as you’re sure this is something you want.”

You nod but can’t help finding yourself hesitating. “Yeah, it’s…yeah. Of course.”

His expression softens. “Boyfriend or not, he still has a hold over you, doesn’t he?”

And you grimace because you hate the way it sounds. Hate how obvious it must be to everyone else. Hate that it’s even a thing at all.

“No, he just…he’s infuriating,” you argue. “I mean, you were there. You saw what he’s like.”

“I was and I did,” he agrees with a smirk. “Infuriating is the nicer way to put it.”

“He’s a dick,” you correct, making you both smile. “But I trusted him. And I trusted his judgment. And him being so…blunt is sometimes a good thing. Because there’s no room for overthinking or questioning what he really wants. He tells you. Exactly how he feels, exactly how he feels it.”

Max nods thoughtfully, urging you to continue.

“And yet there are so many things I feel like he’s keeping from me,” you murmur. “And maybe he doesn’t owe me answers. Maybe it doesn’t even matter, but I just…there was this moment when we were on the same page. When it felt so seamless, and easy, and good. And now…”

Max sighs. “Now he’s nobody.”

You both grow quiet as you let this settle.

“Yeah,” you whisper, taking a sip of your drink. “He’s nobody. And it’s nothing. And it’s over anyway, so…I’m free to do whatever I’d like.”

He laughs. “That’s a great attitude.”

“Why thank you very much.”

“Of course.” He rubs his hands together. “Well, I guess in that case…maybe we should go over—”

“Peach Valentine.”

And almost as if you spoke him into existence, that familiar voice finds you. Cutting right through your conversation as chills fly up the back of your neck.

You almost don’t want to look. Want to pretend that this is merely a subconscious projection of the very last man you want to see.

But you can feel his presence behind you. Can smell his cologne and can see the surprised look on Max’s face.

Of course he’s here.

Slowly, you turn around, letting your eyes find the tall figure looming only a foot or two away.

He’s wearing an expression you know all too well. The one that tells you exactly what he’s thinking without him having to say a single word.

And your stomach sinks.

“Sir,” you whisper, voice oddly timid before you clear your throat and straighten up. “Hello.”

For a moment, he’s quiet. Offering nothing more than a blank stare. Then, he looks at Max. He looks at you. And nobody speaks.

Finally, his jaw sets, and his hands bury themselves deep within his expensive pockets. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m…I’m meeting with Max,” you reply, shooting a smile toward your new friend.

Mr. Styles frowns. “You didn’t tell me you were meeting him.”

“I didn’t think I had to,” you retort, lowering your voice as you send him a pointed look. “Seeing as we’re not partners anymore.”

His eyes narrow. “You’re still my assistant. And your well-being is my concern.”

“Oh? I thought what I did with my personal life didn’t concern you.”

“It does when it has to do with him.”

Your glare begins to mirror his. “Well, since I am in need of a new business partner, I figured Max would be the perfect one to ask.”

Mr. Styles rolls his shoulders back, regarding you carefully. “And since when are you in need of a new business partner?”

“Since my old one walked out on me.”

This does it. His features twist into an unforgiving and rather harsh look of disdain as he steps closer and drops his tone. “I told you, I needed to explain—”

“No, you don’t need to explain,” you correct. “I’m not upset. I’m not bitter. I’m not angry. But that doesn’t change the fact that our agreement is over.”

His teeth grit. “Just because I left doesn’t mean I was ending our deal—”

“It does in my book. I don’t have time to wait for you, Sir.” You sit up, leveling the playing field. “Now if you’ll excuse me—”

His fingers suddenly wrap around your upper arm, tugging on you until your feet hit the floor, forcing you to stand. “I need to talk to you.”

A bit surprised, you blink rapidly and attempt to pull yourself free. “Mr. Styles—”

“Now, Peach.”

You want to argue. Want to fight him on this. Want to stay strong, stay with Max. Send the mean man away.

But you know him, no matter how belligerent he’s being. And there’s something in those eyes that you’ve found yourself lost in that persuades you to nod and follow him to the hallway.

The moment you’re alone and the loud music has been dulled to a quiet hum, you step away from him. Put the necessary distance between your bodies as he watches you go.

“You shouldn’t be talking to him,” he says simply, almost as if it were obvious. “In fact, you shouldn’t be here at all.”

You scoff, rearing back to stare at him incredulously. “I’m sorry…you’re joking, right?”

“It’s a work night,” he replies, still infuriatingly cool. “And we agreed you wouldn’t do business with him—”

“We agreed?” Your eyebrow raises. “No, we didn’t agree on anything. You ran him out of the room without so much as checking with me first. And since when are we a we at all?”

He’s far too calm for your liking. “I told you, I’m still your boss. And partner. I want what’s best for you—”

“Really? Is that why you left?”

Once again, he scowls. “I told you, I had things to do—”

“Oh, I’m sure,” you snort. “Look, I don’t care why you left. I don’t even care that you left. But you did leave. So if I want to film with Max, I have every right to do so—”

“You do,” he agrees. “But you’re much smarter than that, Peach. And you know it.”

“Yeah? And what makes me so smart, hm? Sleeping with you?”

His expression twists into something you don’t recognize. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what? Sleep with you? Or point out that we did?”

“Peach—”

“No, you know what?” You take a brave step forward. “You have no right to come in here and demand that I leave him. Max is a good guy. In fact, of all the people that I’ve messaged on OnlyFans, he’s the only one that hasn’t said something skeevy or inappropriate.”

His expression falls. “Are you being harassed?”

“Not if I don’t respond. The block button exists for a reason. And that’s not even the point. The point is that you told me to do this. You told me it would be good for my channel to collaborate—”

“But not with him.”

“Then who? You?”

The hallway stills as Mr. Styles leans back. “This was never about me.”

“No. It wasn’t. It was about me,” you agree. “That’s what you promised. That this would be about what I wanted to do. And I want to meet with Max.”

The glare returns. “If you’re trying to punish me—”

“Punish you?” You laugh but it’s void of all humor. “Punish you for what? For being exactly who I thought you were?”

“You shouldn’t be here with him,” he says again, and your eyes roll.

“Then where should I be, huh, Sir? Should I be at home? Like a good little girl?” You take another step forward. “Should I be on my knees, waiting for you? Should I be fucking myself with that toy you bought? Pretending it’s you?”

You notice the muscles in his jaw constrict as he steels himself and throws you a look of warning. “Peach—”

“Because if I can’t fuck Max, and I can’t fuck you, then what do you want from me?” Another step. “You’re never happy. I can never make you happy—”

“Peach—”

“I get that this meant nothing to you. I get that.” You’re only inches away now. “But…you’re so confusing. You’re so goddamn confusing, and I never know what you really want. Sometimes I think I do, and other times…”

His lips purse shut but his eyes are soft.

“I feel like we used to want the same thing,” you admit quietly, heart in your throat as you stare up at the beautiful man before you. Your rage dwindles down to a contemplative annoyance. “And now we don’t. So…excuse me for trying to find somebody who does want me.”

Suddenly, he surges forward. Stepping up to you so quickly, and with so much power that it forces you to stumble back into the wall.

He cages you there, his broad chest brushing against yours as he peers down, features hard and unmoving.

“And you think that somebody is Max?” he sneers, almost as if mocking you. “You think that he wants anything more from you than the money you’ll make him?”

“Who cares?” you argue, but it’s weaker than you’d like. “It’s an investment, you said so yourself—”

“I am your investor. Not him,” Mr. Styles nearly barks, practically chastising you. “How could it ever be him—”

“Because he’s everything you aren’t.”

He doesn’t even flinch, instead cocking his head to the side as he smirks. “So that’s what this is? You’re trying to replace me? Trying to find somebody better?”

“Well it’s not hard.”

The Cheshire-like grin grows. “Fine, Peach. Let me ask you this…do you like who you are with him? Do you like the role he puts you in?”

Your lashes flutter. “I don’t…I don’t know what you mean—”

“Yes, you do.” His head dips until he’s fully in your space, making it impossible to know anything else but him. “Do you like how he treats you as though you’re nothing more than a means to his end?”

A breath catches in your throat.

“Do you like how it’s never about you? Only him?”

You squirm back into the wall, once again attempting to create a bit of distance, but failing miserably as he places a hand next to your head.

“Do you like how insignificant he is?” His voice has dropped to a dangerous purr, like silk that slips across your cheek. “Or did you like it better with me?”

A question meant to trap you and you can do nothing more than stare at the buttons on his shirt as you will yourself not to gasp.

“Because I think you like yourself better in my reflection,” he murmurs, his other palm now smoothing across your hip, subtly tugging you into his body. “The way I make you beg for me. The way I touch you. Kiss you. Fuck you.”

The words weigh heavy on your chest, making it hard to breathe as his nose softly ghosts against yours.

“Everything is better with me. And you know it. So why are you wasting your time with him? Hm, Peach? Who are you really trying to punish? Me…or you?”

And you could just slap him. You really could. Could fucking slap the dimples right off his face for being so smug.

“I’m not punishing anybody,” you whisper, nails curling into your palms to brace yourself. “I’m just doing what you told me to.”

“Well now I’m telling you to leave him.”

“Why?”

His eyes flick between yours. “Why do you think?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think. I want to hear you say it.”

The frown returns. “Peach—”

“Say it, Mr. Styles,” you repeat. “And maybe I will leave him. Maybe I’ll walk out of this bar, and never look back. I’ll delete his number, I’ll block him, I’ll never think of reaching out to him again. I’ll leave. With you.”

You can see the way he internalizes this. Can feel his grip tighten, can see the muscles in the arm beside your head flex.

“Just say it,” you mumble again, reaching out to brush your fingers down his chest. “Tell me what you really want. Because maybe I want it, too.”

Everything moves around you. The world, time, this moment.

But neither of you move.

And as the seconds pass, you can’t help but silently will him to finally be honest with you. To finally succumb to what he really needs. To make everything that’s happened mean something.

Then, his eyebrows weave together, and his lips turn down. “I want you to go home,” he finally says, and your heart drops so fast, it makes your head spin. “You’re drunk, and you shouldn’t be alone with him.”

“I’m not drunk,” you retort, now shoving on his sternum to create that space you so desperately need. “I’ve had one drink. And I’m not alone. You’re here.”

And maybe it’s too dark in this hallway to be sure, but you’re almost positive you see something painful flash behind his eyes.

“I won’t be for long,” he replies as he pushes off the wall and steps back. “I have other things to do besides babysit you.”

And that is your slap to the face.

Your hands ball into fists by your side. “You are such a fucking asshole. I never asked you to babysit me. I didn’t even want you here—”

“Clearly you need it,” he argues. “Since you aren’t capable of making decisions on your own. Even when you’re sober.”

You scoff so loud, it makes your throat sore. “I was doing just fine without you—”

“You were scraping by,” he corrects. “And you could do so much better if you realized that he’s nothing but a waste of time and sperm.”

Your nose crinkles as you make your way to the end of the hall, ready to rid yourself of him. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t…I can’t argue with you over the same goddamn thing. Okay, Max is nice to me. He tells me what he actually feels, and that’s something you could never understand.”

You think you see the briefest hint of disappointment, but it’s replaced just as quickly by a look of unamused indignation. “Fine. If you’d like your sex life and your career to be as mediocre as his cock…by all means. The choice is yours.”

“It is,” you agree coldly, ready to turn on your heel and run. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Styles.”

With that, you exit the hallway, leaving him behind.

And he lets you.

The following day, things aren’t as awkward as you expected. Mr. Styles doesn’t mention your run-in at the bar, nor does he attempt to restart the conversation about Max.

He treats you the way he did when he first hired you. With nothing but professionalism and distance.

At first, you’re thankful. There are no more sly comments or lingering stares at your chest. He follows your terms to let you make your own decisions. He lets your business be yours.

And he’s nothing more than your boss.

But as the days progress, you can’t shake the nagging thought that something bigger is afoot. Almost as though something is wrong. Off.

Maybe it’s just in your head. Maybe you want to believe he’s more affected by this little falling out than he pretends to be.

But you’ve known him for over a year. You know what it looks like when he’s upset, and this…this is not it.

However, you decide to push away the inclination altogether, and carry on with your work as usual. Because even if something is wrong, it’s none of your concern anymore.

That is until Nadia mentions it over lunch.

“Listen, he’s a very complicated man,” she says when you comment on his odd behavior, waving her salad fork through the air. “He tries so hard to appear uninterested, but I know it’s just an act. Nobody is that heartless.”

You swirl your French fry around in your ketchup, mulling this over. “I don’t know. He doesn’t…I don’t think he’s heartless. I think that’s just…who he is. He has a one-track mind.”

Nadia snorts. “Please. You should have seen him before…”

Your little lunch corner goes oddly silent as she suddenly presses her lips together and winces.

“Before…?” you repeat curiously, head tilting.

“Nothing,” she’s quick to reply, dismissing the comment with a flutter of her hand. “No, nothing. He just…he was more open when he first started the company, that’s all.”

You know there’s more to that story than she’s letting on, but you don’t push. Instead nodding your head as you return to your burger, letting the inquiry rest.

However, the subject is changed for all of three minutes before she sighs, and finally says, “Okay, look, it’s none of my business. And I don’t even know all of details, but maybe this will help make your job…easier?”

Once again struck with curiosity, you motion for her to continue.

“He had an assistant before you,” she begins. “His first assistant actually. I don’t know too much because I was working the mail room. But I do know that they were really close. Maybe friends, maybe more. I don’t know. But they were close.”

You lean back in your seat, endlessly intrigued as you wait for the rest.

“And everybody loved them together. She made him so happy. He was always smiling, always laughing, always walking around the office talking to everybody. Engaging in chit chat and catching up on everyone’s lives.”

It’s odd to picture your boss so open. So…infatuated. In fact, this fantasy she’s painting doesn’t sound like the man you know at all.

You have to wonder how different things would have been if he were still the same.

“Anyway, I don’t know what happened exactly, but something bad,” Nadia sighs. “The rumor was that she was seeing somebody he didn’t like. He got crazy possessive over her, and it drove them apart. She quit, and he became this sullen, hollow version of himself. And now that’s just who he is, I guess.”

“That’s…so sad,” is about all you can offer, frowning some as she nods.

“Yeah. It was,” she agrees. “After her, he didn’t hire another personal assistant for quite some time. Until you, actually. Which was kind of surprising, and I think we were all a little worried for you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, you seem to be handling him just fine, which is great. But…I don’t know. He just became very…cold. Distant, I guess. Doesn’t really create personal relationships anymore.”

You have to admit that this makes sense, although it doesn’t exactly help make things any clearer for you. “That must have been hard for him.”

“Yeah. And maybe he taught himself not to care, but…I think he hides who he really is because of her,” she admits with a shrug. “Which sucks. ’Cause he’s such a good guy, deep down. He just…he’s afraid, I guess.”

You hate the way your heart breaks for him. Hate the way this humanizes him. Hate the way it makes you second guess every interaction the two of you have ever had.

“Does he ever talk about her?” you ask next.

“No, never. I don’t even remember her name, to be honest. It was forever ago. Five or six years, at least.”

“Wow.”

“Mhm. As far as I know, he doesn’t date, either. I think he fucks around a bit. I mean, he’s a guy, after all,” she teases. “But he doesn’t really do anything…meaningful. Maybe he doesn’t know how anymore.”

Your stomach twists around an invisible knife. “I guess that makes sense.”

“Yeah,” she hums, digging back into her salad. “I don’t know. If he’s being rude, just tell him to fuck off. That always works for me.”

You laugh as the subject is dropped and the two of you carry on with your lunch.

But you think about it for the rest of the day, the information following you back to his office where you’re quick to find that he’s left for the afternoon.

So, you sit with this discovery as you go through your tasks. Unable to stray from the thought for very long before your throat constricts, and you feel a wave of disappointment.

You text him as you’re leaving for the evening. A simple, “Finished prepping the presentation. Hope you’re okay,” before you tuck your phone away and head home.

Hours go by without a response. Not that you really expected one, but you can’t help feeling slightly guilty for the role you played in pushing him to open up.

And no matter how out of line he was, or how justified you were in asking for his honesty, you know how hard it must be for him to be honest with you.

Especially if what Nadia said is true.

After messaging Max for a bit about your upcoming video, you decide to run yourself a bath, letting the bubbles fill the tub as you watch the water rise.

You’ve barely slipped out of your socks when your phone vibrates on the porcelain sink, making you jump some at the sudden noise.

The familiar name flashes across the screen, making your heart skip as you hesitantly hit the green button and bring the phone to your ear. “…hello?”

“You did it, didn’t you?” Mr. Styles says, but even through the static, you can hear that there’s something off.

“Did…what?” you ask hesitantly.

“You fucked him,” comes the reply. Blunt and void of any civility. “Max. You fucked him, didn’t you?”

With narrowed eyes, you turn the water off and step out of the bathroom. “I don’t believe that’s any of your concern—”

“So, yes,” he answers for you. Then, you hear him chuckle to himself. However, there’s something chilling about the way he laughs. Bitter, almost. “You’re very easy to read, Peach.”

You can feel your expression fall into one of annoyance as you lean against the wall in the hallway. “Mr. Styles—”

“Was he good?”

You glower. “Mr. Styles—”

“I already know the answer is no,” he continues. “Even your own fingers would be better, but…maybe I just wanted to hear you say he wasn’t.”

You contemplate this for only a moment before you cautiously ask, “Are you drunk?”

You can hear the subtle slur slip through the speaker, and your eyebrows raise as he snorts.

“No, I’m curious,” he retorts, but it makes your heart pound. “And I’m still a subscriber. So I want to know what to expect.”

Your stomach wrenches. “How much have you had to drink?”

“Why are you avoiding my question?”

“Mr. Styles—”

“You like to torture me, don’t you?” he interrupts, and there’s a hitch in your breath. “You always have. From the first day I met you. You were wearing that really nice dress. And your hair was up in that pretty ponytail. And you walked in like you were trying to walk into my life and ruin me.”

Your head falls back into the wall, eyes fluttering shut. “Sir—”

“And I let you,” he carries on. “I let you ruin me. I let you do the one thing I promised I’d never do, and now what? Now you’ve gone and strutted your way into somebody else’s life.”

And maybe he doesn’t know what he’s saying, but you feel this overwhelming rush of emotion, anyhow. “Mr. Styles, where are you?”

“Where would you like me to be?”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Says you.”

You huff. “Mr. Styles—”

“Tell Max I said hello,” he says instead. “And then tell him I don’t mean it.”

“Mr. Styles—”

There’s some sort of loud noise on his end before the line suddenly beeps three times and the call goes dead.

And you can only stand there, flabbergasted, as you stare at your phone. Wondering what the hell just happened.

You’re frozen for a good minute or two, running through your options. He normally doesn’t reach out when he’s drinking, at least not to you, and definitely not this late.

Maybe it’s a silent cry for help or maybe he just wanted to bother you one last time.

Either way, it breeds something unnerving in your gut as you groan to yourself and head back to your room to retrieve your shoes.

You don’t imagine he’s out. He has to be at his apartment, so at least you know he’s probably safe. But you don’t know what he might do. You don’t know what that sound was, and if he’s managed to hurt himself, but you don’t think anyone will be there to help for quite a while.

You grab the key he’d given you a few months ago. It was meant only for emergencies, although you’ve never needed to use it.

Tonight, however, you decide that this is as good an excuse as any.

You call an Uber to take you to his place, the lavish apartment building smack in the middle of downtown, quite a bit away from you.

Thankfully, the traffic isn’t too bad this late at night, and you’re grateful for the quick trip as you’re brought to a stop just outside the sidewalk in under thirty minutes.

You jump out, greet the doorman, and book it for the elevator before hitting the button for his apartment at the top of the building.

It’s a good three-minute ride before you finally reach his floor, and once those doors open, your heart leaps into your throat.

Even the hallway is exquisite, and your dirty Vans squeak along the newly waxed floors as you approach his apartment, and fumble with the key.

You unlock it as slowly and quietly as you can, hoping not to startle him if he is in fact inside, and the moment the door is cracked, you call, “Mr. Styles? Are you here?”

Everything is dark as you enter. Not a single lamp to be seen, only the soft glow of the city lights outside of his many large windows, and the pale shadow of the moon cascading across the floors.

You see silhouettes of furniture, walls, and a few appliances. Enough that you manage not to trip over anything as you make your way into his living room.

And then, you see him.

The shape of his body is outlined by the window to your left. He’s sitting on the floor, back against the wall as he stares out at the tall skyscrapers before him.

Your heart sinks as you pocket the keys and approach slowly. “Mr. Styles?”

He’s still. Deathly still, in fact. As if he hasn’t even heard you. He doesn’t even bother to look over or investigate your presence.

And then, he murmurs, “You shouldn’t be here.”

Your breath hitches. “Maybe not,” you reply quietly, taking another cautious step. “But I was worried about you.”

He snorts, arms slung over his knees, a crystal glass in one hand that’s only got a few drops left. “How nice.”

“Mr. Styles,” you try again, “are you all right?”

Now close enough to catch a glimpse of his profile, you see the sweaty hair matted to his forehead. The strain in his jaw and the red rim around his eyes.

“M’fine. You can go,” he calls.

You take another step. “You didn’t sound fine—”

“Well I am, all right?” he suddenly sneers, turning to face you as you lean back. “I don’t need your fucking pity.”

“It’s not pity. It’s concern,” you correct briskly. “You’re drunk, and upset—”

“Yeah? What was your first fucking clue?”

You shoot him a look of warning as you bridge the gap and hesitantly crouch down to his level. “Why are you drinking?”

“Because I fucking can,” is his reply, his normally soft green eyes now as sharp as the edge of a sword. “Is that a problem?”

“Maybe. Do you remember calling me?”

“Of course I fucking do. But I don’t remember asking you to come here.”

“You didn’t,” you agree. “But I wanted to. Because I was worried.”

“Why? Don’t you have better things to worry about now?”

You’ve never heard him sound so insecure, and you’re reminded again of Nadia’s story as you glance over his expression. “I haven’t slept with Max.”

This is the only thing that seems to reach him, his lashes fluttering as he leans back, although his scowl remains put. “Why not?”

“We just haven’t yet. We’re still planning the video.”

“So you’re going to?”

“I think so, yeah.”

“You think so.”

“I plan to.”

He scoffs beneath a quiet breath and looks back out the window. “And you needed to come here to tell me that?”

“I came here because I wanted to make sure you were okay,” you tell him again. “And to set the record straight.”

“Why? You were right, it’s none of my fucking business.”

“It’s not, but you still seem to care.”

He snorts. “I don’t fucking care who you sleep with, Peach.”

“Sure, okay. Is that why you tried to keep me from doing it?”

“I was trying to help.”

“You’d help me a lot more if you were honest.”

“I am honest. I’m always fucking honest.”

“Not about this.”

His eyes return to yours. “I told you, you can do better. That’s my honest opinion.”

“Fine.” You take a moment to study him. “Then why did you offer to help me?”

His head drops back against the wall as he mulls this over, but his gaze never leaves you. “Because you needed the help. I knew you could make more money if you just did things a little differently, and I was right.”

“Is that the only reason?”

“What else would it be?”

Your head tilts. “Why did you agree to be in the video with me?”

“You said you didn’t have anyone else.”

“Why did you get me custom jewelry with your initials?”

His teeth begin to grit, the grasp on his glass tightening some. “What?”

“The peaches would have been fine. My initials would have been fine. But you wanted me to wear your name,” you remind him. “Why?”

“I already told you, I wanted him to know who your real partner was—”

“Yeah? Then why did you leave?”

His lips press together. “I thought you didn’t care—”

“I do now. Why?”

“I had somewhere to be—”

“Where?”

“Yes, where? Where did you have to be?”

He seems to fight himself on the answer before finally admitting, “The gym.”

You lean back, blinking quickly. “I’m sorry, you rushed out of there to go to the gym?”

“Yes.”

Now it’s your turn to scoff as you shake your head. “Wow. No, I should have assumed as much. Makes perfect sense. Clearly that was so much more important than just telling me I made you uncomfortable—”

“You didn’t,” he suddenly interjects, shooting you this look like he’s disappointed in your response. “I left because I knew I couldn’t stay.”

“You couldn’t stay? And why the fuck not?”

“Because—” He stops himself, once again clamping his jaw shut as if wrestling with the truth. Then, he drops his head, eyes finding the floor as he glares at the marble beneath. “Because I couldn’t.”

And you want to scream because you don’t know if he’ll ever be honest with you. Don’t know what to do to reach him.

“You know what I think?” you finally huff, and he looks up. “I think this is about her.”

Confused, he glances over your expression. “Her who?”

“The girl who used to work for you. Your first assistant. The one who left.”

Instantly, the atmosphere changes, his entire demeanor shifting on a dime as he presses his back into the wall and shoots you a venomous look of intimidation. “Oh you do, do you?”

“Yeah.” You hold your ground, keep your shoulders stiff. “I think you loved her. I think you were honest with her. I think you let yourself trust her, and I think…she broke that trust.”

You can tell he’s not quite sure what to do with this, furrowed brows still knitted together. “And where the fuck did you get that?”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s true, isn’t it?”

His finger taps the edge of the crystal in thought, but his contemplative expression remains. “Even if it were, what does this have to do with us?”

“Everything,” you say simply. “She broke your trust, and you chose not to get close to anyone again. But then you started helping me. And we got closer. And created a bond—created trust. And the second you realized, you ran for the hills.”

He snorts again, but he doesn’t rush to deny it.

So, you carry on. “Max coming along only made things worse for your fragile little ego. And maybe you were trying to keep it from happening again, but you did a really shitty job of it. And now here we are, sitting on your floor, saying everything but what we really mean.”

He’s angry. He’s so very angry, and you watch his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows thickly, fighting himself on what he really wants to say.

You scoot closer, gently reaching out to take the crystal glass from his hand so you can place it on the floor. Then, you rest your palm atop his arm, and meet his eye.

“Harry,” you whisper, and he sucks in a sharp breath, tensing beneath your touch. “I’m not her. And maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s not. But I have only ever wanted it to be you.”

He’s quiet but you have his full attention. And the intrigue in his features urges you to continue.

“Even before you told me that you watched, I imagined you,” you admit quietly. “I’ve always imagined you. Your voice, and your hands, and your face. And yeah, I didn’t mind keeping things…professional. Strictly about the content and nothing more. But…you have to know I wanted more.”

Once again, the back of his head meets the wall, as if bracing himself from your honesty.

“I wanted more,” you repeat. “And I thought you did, too. Maybe that’s why it’s been so hard, and maybe that’s why I tried to use Max to move on. But I never wanted Max. I only wanted you. I just…I wasn’t sure I could have you.”

He looks down at your hand, gaze softening when he sees the way it looks on his arm. Like he’s mesmerized by your touch.

“And I need you to tell me right now what you want,” you say softly. “I need the truth. I have to know if we’re running around in circles for no reason, or if…maybe we can get off this ride together.”

He’s silent for quite a long stretch, letting himself ponder a response as the apartment fills with a solemn quiet.

You study his face in the soft glow of the moonlight, wonderstruck by the sharp curve of his jaw in contrast to the soft curls near his cheeks.

Even now, he’s breathtaking.

Finally, he clears his throat. “Ellie.”

“What?”

“Her name,” he says, “was Ellie. And you’re right, I did trust her. But I ruined it. Not her.”

Now it’s your turn to listen as he recalls this memory to you, nodding gently for him to continue.

“She didn’t…she loved somebody that wasn’t me. That was her only fault,” he murmurs, once again staring at your hand as your thumb strokes his tan skin. “And it wasn’t even a fault. But I hated it. Because I wanted it to be me. And it was never going to be me. We both knew that.”

Slowly, his arm turns over, allowing your gentle touches to dance along the more sensitive skin.

You smile.

“I crossed so many fucking lines,” he admits quietly. “As her boss, as her friend. I pushed her away only to drag her back and try to keep her close. I suffocated her. I let myself need her in ways I shouldn’t have. She had every right to leave. In fact, she should have left sooner.”

You feel the tips of his fingers brush against you as he subtly grabs on.

“And then you,” he whispers, eyes still locked on where you’re connected. “I’d been doing so good. Didn’t let myself slip again, and then you came along, and everything was fucked. Because I knew I couldn’t do to you what I’d done to her. But I let myself think about you anyway. Even when I shouldn’t have.”

You can feel tears crawling up the back of your throat, and the wounded look on his face is like a fist to the heart.

“And for some fucking reason, I thought offering my advice would allow me to know you without ruining anything,” he sighs, tugging you a bit closer until your knees collide with his. “Which obviously didn’t work. And then I was looking for excuses to be with you. To have you. To touch you. Even though I knew better. Even though I had to know better.”

He takes a deep breath. Holds it.

“I didn’t want to lose you,” he eventually exhales. “And I got scared that the only reason you felt like you wanted more was because I somehow tricked you into it. I confused you, I manipulated the situation. It wasn’t real. And I wanted it to be real. But then Max, and I got so fucking angry, and I knew I was doing it again. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to you.”

He won’t look up. He won’t meet your eye, and the hard set of his jaw makes you take hold of his other arm and squeeze it tight.

“Harry,” you whisper, but his head shakes quickly.

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” he barrels on, fingers wrapping around your elbow, keeping you close. “Because I can’t have it. I can’t have you. And you were right, I can’t be your partner anymore. I can only be your boss.”

You frown but it’s sad. “Harry—”

“Mr. Styles,” he corrects, finally shooting you a look of warning that breaks your heart.

But you aren’t deterred. Instead, you release him so you can wedge yourself between his legs and take hold of his face. “Harry,” you repeat, urgent but gentle. “This? It’s not the same.”

He struggles a bit in your grasp, tensing up as he tries to pull away. But it only lasts a second before he’s settling into your embrace, allowing you to guide his attention to you.

“It’s real,” you whisper. “It’s so fucking real. It was real even before you called me poor and badly dressed.”

This earns you your first smirk of the evening, and the butterflies that explode in your gut nearly make you dizzy.

“You’ve tried to push me away over and over. But I’m still sitting here, on your floor, begging you to talk to me.” Your thumbs delicately brush across the bags under his eyes, and he seems to nuzzle into your palms. “It’s not the same. You’re not just my boss or my investor. You’re my partner, Harry. And I can’t do this without you.”

His arms slowly slip around your middle, encouraging you onto his lap as his legs drop.

And you eagerly oblige, straddling his hips with ease as you look down at him.

“I don’t want to do this without you,” you murmur. “So don’t make me. Please.”

For a moment, you aren’t sure what he’ll do. What he’ll say or feel. He’s still somewhat tense, and far too quiet.

Then, he tugs, crashing your lips into his.

And it’s the most honest thing he’s ever done.

“Turn around.”

The strong command leaves no room for argument as you quickly spin on your heel, eager to obey.

Your ass is revealed to the camera. Bright red from the many spanks Mr. Styles has landed to it. It complements the dark black lingerie set he recently purchased for you, something you’re both rather proud of, and perhaps the main feature of this video.

You hear him hum his approval as he approaches, large hands slipping over the curves of your hips. “That’s my girl,” he murmurs before shoving you onto the bed. “Think it’s time we show them what a wet little whore you are, hm?”

You feel his finger hook into the crotch of the panties before he’s ripping them aside, allowing your swollen cunt to glisten for the lens.

You gasp as the cool air hits you, but it quickly melts into a desolate whine when you feel his touch ghost up the back of your thigh.

“Look at you,” he muses, palms pulling on your cheeks to spread you open, giving your audience a firsthand glimpse of your mess. “So fucking pathetic, aren’t you, Peach? And all I’ve done is spank you.”

“Can’t…can’t help it, Sir,” you pant, steadying yourself on your hands and knees as your eyes flutter shut. “Just want you.”

“Oh you do, do you?” He kneads your bruised flesh with admiration. “Do you think you deserve it?”

You squirm a bit as you whimper, desperate to lean back into his touch before he lands another smack to your thigh, reminding you to stay still.

“Yes,” you finally answer, chin meeting your chest. “Wanna deserve it for you.”

You hear him chuckle under his breath as he allows his touch to travel toward your dripping pussy, large digit pushing through your folds just to make you mewl.

“I bet you do,” he replies, running up and down your cunt to collect you. Tease you. “But we have a deal, don’t we, honey?”

You want to kill him and kiss him all at the same time.

“Yes, Sir.”

“We do.” He pats you again, this time gently. “Go on and grab it, all right?”

With a nod, you outstretch your shaky hand for the object sitting on the bed only a few inches in front of you.

Already tender and slightly swollen from the way he played with you earlier (casually and much too cruel), you feel a rush of excitement as you hand him the chain.

After taking hold of it, he moves to sit in front of you, allowing him better access to the front of your body as he motions for you to sit back on your ankles.

“You ready?” he asks quietly, eyes flicking between yours as he looks for your consent.

You nod. “Always.”

With that, he reaches for your exposed tits and begins preparing your nipples for the clamps.

You swallow a dozen whines and whimpers as he works them shut, the subtle ache quickly dissolving into an immeasurable type of pleasure.

And he’s smiling so big, like he’s so proud of you. Proud of the way you look, proud of the way you feel, proud of the way you obey.

It makes the yearning in-between your thighs that much worse as he travels the other end of the chain down to your clit.

Once again, he plays with you. Drags his fingers up, down, and through to make you writhe, and make sure you’re ready.

Then, with great care but devious intent, he slips the clamp along the base of the sensitive nerves and secures it.

You choke on a gasp, body stilling as the sensation becomes a bit more familiar. It’s quite thrilling. Not painful, but prominent. Taunting you with its power as you glance down at the way it holds you.

Harry leans back to study you, carefully observing every pull of your brows or hitch in your breath. “You okay, Peach?”

You nod, lip sliding between your teeth.

He frowns. “Color.”

“Green,” you say quickly, nails digging into your thighs as you release a heavy exhale. “It’s just…new.”

His expression softens as he reaches out to grasp onto your chin and squeeze once. “I know, my love. But you’ll take it for me, won’t you?”

And you say, “Yes,” with so much adoration and excitement that it returns those dimples to you.

His eyes drift toward the computer, checking the status of the livestream you assume before he leans forward and presses his lips to yours.

You know your faces aren’t in the frame, but it makes your heart pound nonetheless as he offers you a moment of his affection.

“How’s your ass?” he mumbles between kisses to your bottom lip.

You nod gently and sigh into his mouth. “Good. Sore.”

And he chuckles as he sends you a devious wink. “Good.”

With that, he stands, and begins to undo his belt as he returns to his spot behind you. He doesn’t plan to be gentle today. Not for your first live appearance, and you’re grateful for his punishing hand as it ghosts down your spine, guiding you.

It travels between your thighs, tapping them briskly as a reminder to keep them spread as you bend back over.

And once you’ve braced yourself against the mattress, you feel those long, skilled fingers nudging at you again.

“Sir,” you whisper, desperate for the friction as he keeps his touch light, merely tracing patterns along your folds while humming to himself.

“Yes, Peach?”

You swallow thickly. “Please?”

“Please?” His thumb moves up to brush over your tighter hole, and you gasp again as you await any sort of contact. “Please what?”

“Please…please touch me?”

“Touch you,” he repeats thoughtfully, as if considering it. “I don’t know. Have you disobeyed any of my rules?”

With a quick shake of your head, you glance down at the duvet beneath you, the expensive fabric soft beneath your clenched fists.

“Have you used any naughty language?” he asks, the tip of his middle finger lowering to circle through your arousal.

“No,” you breathe.

He begins to push in, leaving your other opening alone. At least for today. “Have you called me by the wrong name?”

Not aloud, you think, biting back a smirk as you murmur, “No, Sir.”

The digit travels a bit further, the feeling of him pushing past your tight walls like heroin as you reel.

“Have you taken your punishment like a good girl?” he inquires next, and you chew on the inside of your lip as you nod.

“Yes.”

And you can’t exactly see him, but you can practically hear his smirk as he suddenly adds a second finger in beside the first, just to surprise you.

“Yes,” he agrees. “You have. Been my perfect peach, haven’t you? Guess you’re showing off for them, hm? Letting them think you’re actually an obedient little cock-whore?”

And maybe you are showing off, at least a little, but it’s hard not to obey this man. He just makes it so…worth it.

“Yes,” you call again, desperate to please him. “Only for you, Sir.”

Suddenly, you feel his fist against your scalp, scraping through your roots as he furiously yanks, forcing your head up.

“Only for me,” he nearly seethes, dipping down to press his lips against your ear. “Want you to fucking say it. Every time I touch you. Every time I make you come. Want you to say it. Remind them who you really belong to.”

Apparently, having his initials glimmer from your nipples isn’t enough, but that’s more than all right with you.

You’ll happily vow your life to him as many times as he needs. Because there’s something empowering about having a man beg you to be his.

And for the first time since you’ve met him, you realize…you’re on the same ground. Equal partners. Equal power.

You and him.

One.

With that instruction, he curls, now stroking and thrusting into you with a fervent need to force you up the mountain.

“Only you,” you whisper between salacious moans for relief. “Only, Sir.”

“That’s right,” he hisses, smacking his other palm against your ass before groping at the tender skin. Soothing it and stimulating it at the same time.

The pace increases, faster and faster until you feel as though you can’t breathe. Until you’re trying to meet his rhythm by rocking back into his touch, but the hand on your hip holds you steady. Makes you patient.

“Only you.” It’s almost inaudible, released through quivering lips as you begin to slip into your first. “Only you. Only…”

He plunges in to the knuckle, beckoning you toward your release as it hits you hard. Fireworks go off behind your eyes as you keen, sweat beading around your hairline, and chest heaving.

“God, only you,” you barely manage as you fight for air. “Just you, Sir. Always.”

He takes his fingers out, allowing the world to see your come drip along the insides of your thighs. And the loss of contact makes your chest ache as you whimper and peek over your shoulder for a glimpse of his face.

He’s smug. Because of course he is, endlessly pleased with the way you’ve come undone so quickly.

Wet digits quickly outstretch for your cheeks, pushing on your lips to accentuate your already obvious pout.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he warns darkly. “You know better.”

You glance up at him with remorse and desperation, hoping your tiny hum will be enough to sway him. “M’sorry, Daddy.”

It’s the first time today you’ve used the nickname, and you watch the effect it has on him as he tightens his grip and scrapes his teeth together.

“Peach,” he grumbles, “don’t fucking test me. Not today.”

“I’m not. Promise. Just wanna feel you.”

And that’s the truth. It’s all you ever want. Want his cock, his time, his attention. Anything he’ll give you, and he knows this.

Because he wants you just as bad.

And maybe, if he had the strength, he’d punish you for this little game. He’d waste hours just making you wait for him. Tying you up, leaving you to beg, taunting you with something you can’t have.

But today, that would punish him, too. And you can see that he doesn’t have the capacity to go without you, not even for show.

So, he releases his hold on you only to land a very firm and sharp smack to your cheek. And it stings but it feels so good, forcing another groan as you lean back.

“And you will,” he finally decides, settling behind you again as he begins to tug his pants down. “Gonna feel me for days, honey. Make sure you can’t fucking sit without thinking of me.”

Just the image of you in one of those boardroom meetings, legs still bruised and clenched tightly together as you sit for hours on end makes you gasp.

He’s gotten braver recently. Normally, he’s tame. Making you rest on his lap in the privacy of his office while he absentmindedly runs circles over your clit. Answering emails as he plays with you. Like it’s just an average workday.

But now he tries to tease you in public. In meetings, at lunch, when you’re apart. Making you sit with a remote-controlled toy deep inside your cunt during a meeting with the board of directors. Changing the tempo over and over again while forcing your silence. Leaving you to squirm in your seat as you silently beg him for mercy.

Sometimes he gives it to you. Most times…he does not.

You imagine this week will be no different. Especially after today. He always gets a bit more insatiable after the two of you have posted a video together.

He’ll make you watch it in his office. His now favorite tradition. And the comments and response will encourage something in him that makes you giddy. Possessive yet proud. Like he wants to outdo himself next time. Make you come harder, longer, faster. Make everyone watching eat their fucking hearts out.

You feel the tip of his swollen cock brush down your folds, lazily rubbing against you as he alerts you of his presence.

Just the feel of him makes you breathless, back arching as you silently plead with him for more.

He won’t give it to you, at least not yet. Not until he’s had a chance to watch you soak him.

He presses his hand against it, trapping it to your cunt while gliding it through your arousal. Gentle thrusts that have you clenching around nothing until you hear him curse to himself.

“Beg me,” he calls, grasping onto your ass cheek to pull it apart, allowing him a better view. “Beg me to fuck you, Peach. Beg Daddy to make it better.”

“Please,” you comply instantly, a subtle quiver in your voice. “Please, Daddy. Need you. Need to feel you. Hurts.”

“Oh, honey,” he coos, finally circling the rim of your aching hole and pushing in only an inch just to pull back. “Bet it does. Know I’ve been teasing you all day, haven’t I?”

You whine again. “I deserved it. Always love it when you tease me.”

He chuckles under his breath, and you know you’ve made him proud. “That’s right. Know you do, my love. Because you know I just wanna make it better for you, hm?”

“I know.” You attempt to wiggle back into him, but his unrelenting grip keeps you frozen to your spot. “Always do, Sir. Always make it better.”

He slides in again, further this time, allowing your body to stretch for him. Then, he slides out, leaving you to wilt as you swallow a groan.

“And I always will,” he answers, knee knocking into your inner thigh as an instruction to spread your legs a bit further. “Just have to behave for me. Think you can do that, Peach? Think you can be good for me?”

And you’ve never wanted anything more, head nodding quickly before he finally thrusts into you with such power and dominance that it knocks the wind from your lungs.

Truth be told, you never know what you’re going to get with him. What rhythm will drive him. But you’ll take anything he offers. Because hard and slow or fast and eager…it’s perfect. Sets your nerves on fire and leaves you desperate and depraved.

The sounds of him pushing through and pulling out are sure to be captured by the microphone. You can’t see the computer, but you imagine the audience is loving it. They always seem to enjoy sounds as much as you do. And Harry’s sounds are the best.

Your quick breaths intertwine seamlessly with his unforgiving grunts. Like a melody for the soul, and you slowly slide down until your chest meets the mattress, although your ass stays up.

He seems to like this angle, nails scraping down your spine before he lands another smack to your cheek. “There she is.”

Both sets of clamps are stimulated as you’re pushed against the bed, making your eyes roll back every time he drives himself to the hilt.

The pain is delicious. Exactly what you’d needed, and just when you think it can’t get any better…he slips an arm around your stomach and forces you back up.

Instantly, his hand is on your throat, tugging your back into his chest as he settles you down on his cock.

Dominant fingertips press into the sides of your neck, playing with your airways as you gasp. And for a moment, you are nothing more than his toy. Just a body for him to use, and the idea makes you clamp down on him until he groans and nuzzles his nose into your shoulder.

But you know it’s more to him than that. Know that you’re not just this thing for him to abuse and ruin. He wants to worship you. Treat your body like the divine gift it is, and even though this display of aggression is uncouth…it’s meant for you. To make you feel good. Everything he does is always for you.

“So good, baby,” he whispers, just quiet enough that only you can hear. “Fucking love the way you feel, Peach. Always so warm for me. So wet. My perfect hole.”

You shudder, nails reaching for his arm to scratch down his skin. Desperate to be even closer to him.

His hand then drops to your chest, finding your breast and groping at it mercilessly as you cry out. The clamps are tugged, stimulating the rings, and forcing your back to arch. So many sensations are being exploited that it’s nearly impossible to think straight. Your mind is mush, focused only on one thing to keep from drowning:

Him.

“Wanna come, don’t you?” he taunts, now louder so the audience can hear. “Wanna come on my cock, so they see what I do to you?”

You nod quickly, unable to vocalize your agreement. But he doesn’t need it. He knows. Can read your body like a book, and it makes him smile into your heated skin.

“Good,” he whispers, pressing a lingering kiss to your neck before reaching down to undo the clamp around your clit. “Go.”

The moment the pressure is released, it hits you. Your toes curl, your eyes roll back, and you make so many noises, you wouldn’t be surprised if the people below Harry’s apartment can hear you.

He works you through each ripple and aftershock, perhaps hoping to send you into a third, but your body needs a moment to recharge.

And this is more than fine with him because it gives him a bit more time to watch himself disappear into you. His favorite part.

You collapse in his hold, held up only by his strong arm that’s thankfully bare, allowing you to glance down at his tattoos.

He takes his shirt off for almost every video now. He knows that nobody will be able to recognize his tattoos, but he especially knows how much you love them. Love to lick them, trace them, stare at them.

Your perfect pastime, and you think this now as you grip onto his wrist and squeeze.

He exhales into your shoulder before he’s suddenly cursing and pulling out, the sound of his slick cock slipping from your cunt making you whimper.

With a single pat to your hip, he growls, “On your back.”

You nearly throw yourself down onto the bed, finally able to face him fully as you’re met with the sight of his flushed cheeks.

He’s so beautiful when he’s turned on, and you feel nothing but grateful to be able to witness this sight firsthand. Even your audience is denied such a pleasure, and it makes it feel that much more special to you.

He pushes your legs apart and settles between your thighs, grasping onto his cock before guiding it toward your chest.

He never comes inside you on film. He claimed it was because they don’t deserve to see it, and you didn’t argue. You like the idea. Occasionally he’ll capture a short clip of the way he leaks out of your pussy, but it’s never posted. Instead saved just for the two of you to watch whenever you need.

So while you’ll miss feeling him inside of you today, you know that it’s worth it. You like that you get to keep something for just the two of you. You like this possessive side of him.

Love it, in fact.

Nodding at your breasts, he silently instructs you to grab them, to which you do, pushing them together as he brings his swollen and soaked cock closer.

Slowly, he slides between your tits, disappearing beneath the supple flesh as you both groan your approval.

He’s already seconds away from his own release, but he edges himself by fucking your tits for as long as he can. Staring wordlessly at the way he looks beside his initials on your nipples.

“Fuck, Peach,” he breathes, brows knitted together as his jaw clenches. “Like it like this, don’t you? Like it when I come like this?”

And you do, a soft sough of agreement all you can offer as you look down at the way his tip pokes through the valley you’ve created. The contrast of his pink flesh against your skin is beautiful. Artful, even. And it makes you smile, wider than you have all day.

His pace is slow, allowing you to feel the slickness paint your chest before he’s suddenly tensing, the muscles in his stomach contracting quickly.

You await his offering eagerly, practically panting as you watch him run his palm along his cock before he’s releasing all over your torso and chest.

He falls forward, bracing himself with a hand beside your head while you throw your arms around his neck to keep him close.

“Thank you, Daddy,” you whisper as he milks the last few drops. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

You feel a shiver roll across his body at your comment before he’s smashing his lips into yours, dancing his relieved sighs across your tongue.

It takes a good minute or two for you both to find your bearings, but once you have, he reaches toward the nightstand where the remote lies.

Aiming it at the camera, he clicks a couple of buttons, and the red light turns off, signaling that the livestream has ended.

Now alone in his massive bedroom, he grins down at you. “My sweet fucking girl. Did so well for me, honey.”

You bask in his praise, nuzzling your nose against his before pressing a kiss to his cheek. “That was fun. Like it when you fuck my tits.”

“Yeah?” He’s smirking again, palm now smacking against your breast just to watch it jiggle. “Good. ’Cause I don’t plan to stop.”

Your arms snake tighter around his neck until he’s forced to lay his chest against yours. “Think they liked it?”

“I know they did,” he murmurs, face disappearing into your neck as he breathes you in, sweaty or not. “They love you, Peach. You’re so good to them.”

You press your lips into his hair.

“You’re good to me, too,” he adds quietly, sliding his hand across your body until he can hold onto you. “Always so fucking good. Best thing that ever happened to me.”

A sort of flutter happens in your stomach as you squeeze him tighter. “Ditto.”

You stay there for a few minutes at least, teetering on the verge of sleep before Harry declares you need to get clean.

He scoops you up and carries you to his large bathtub, dipping you into the warm water once it’s ready and settling himself on the other side to face you.

You talk for what feels like hours, until you’re pruned, and the bubbles have disappeared. You go over the scene, go over what you think the comments will be, and even go over his schedule for the upcoming work week.

It’s weird the way you’ve managed to balance the relationship of boss and lover. You’re able to distinguish the two and create the appropriate boundaries. Making it easier to work together without driving each other nuts.

Something else you’re grateful for.

You stare at his wet abs as he talks, smiling to yourself as you admire every curve of his stomach, and every nipple he has to offer.

He splashes some water at you when he realizes before grabbing hold of your ankles and sliding your closer.

You kiss until you can’t breathe, and life feels really good.

Really fucking good.

Once you’re out and dried, you make your way back to his bedroom to make sure everything from the livestream is in order.

You scroll through a few of the responses together, making mental notes of what to do next time. And once you’re both in agreement that everything looks good, he adds it to your shared profile.

Appropriately titled,

Peaches and Cream.

I have no excuse for this or explanation, I'm just gonna blame it on the sick meds I took 🙃

I already miss them but I'm absolutely going to be doing some extras and maybe that'll make it not hurt so much 😭💞

Thank you to everyone who's read and been so kind and supportive!!! You have my entire heart forever and ever, I cannot tell you how appreciative I am 🥹♥️ This has been so fun!!

Peaches and Cream forever!!

Previous Part:

~ Four to Go*

~ Full One for the Money Masterlist

~ Other Harry Blurbs

~ Full Masterlist

Credit for the incredible and perfectly peachy dividers to @firefly-graphics!!

Taglist: @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @keepdrivingkisses @swiftmendeshoran @tiredinwinter @straightontilmornin @justlemmeadoreyou @harrysdaydreams @tiaamberxx @peterparker1sgf @myfavfanficsever @littlenatilda @vamprry @fdl305 @tchalametishot @ssaama @indierockgirrl @kathb59 @iamjustaholeforyousir @buckyssbestgirl @harrystylesfan2686 @cherryluvhobi @narry-heart @daphnesutton @uniquesexything @amateurduck @ilovec0lbybr0ck @winterrays @milfrrynation @definegirlfriendsx @allthelovehes @amiets2 @likeapplejuicenpeach @nega-omega @sucker-4-angst @hsgucci94 @gills-lounge @kennedy-brooke @avasversion @stylesfever @saturnheartz @finelinesss

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aprillikesthings · 3 years

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I'm not disagreeing with your logic, but isn't it also true then that grocers and doctors are parasites? They're no less guilty of holding human necessities for ransom.

Okay, so this is gonna be difficult because I know that there are probably words for the concepts I'm trying to explain, but I don't have an education in economics or policy ("lol I can tell," there, I said it for you) so this...wanders a little. Bear with me, yeah?

Firstly: Housing isn't movable. (Even "mobile homes," really.) I'm not just paying for the walls I live in. I'm paying for the spot of land it sits on. I'm paying to live specifically in this neighborhood, in this city; near my job, where I can ride a bicycle everywhere, where I can walk to grocery stores.

Humans can be moved between houses--but only at a cost of time, stress, and money. So people usually prefer not to do it more than necessary.

If I don't like a doctor, I can (usually) just walk out of the appointment and try to find someone else. If a grocery store costs too much or has bad customer service, I can (usually) shop somewhere else. Obviously, depending on insurance/location the doctor one might be a lot trickier--but with very few exceptions, it's not gonna be as hard as moving house.

Landlords/property companies know my choices are: deal with all their bullshit, or go through the pain and expense of looking for another place--if there ARE any I can afford!--and then moving. (Or, if they evict me for any/no reason, and/or I can't find an affordable place, risking homelessness.)

Part of what you pay for when you buy a house is stability--no one can force you to move just because they want to make the house nicer and more expensive, or because they want to live there instead of you. You're not worried that at any moment someone might come into your house and tell you you're not keeping it clean to their standards, so you better clean it up or you'll be homeless. (There isn't someone watching what I do with the lettuce I bought and disqualifying me from food benefits or even shopping at that grocery store because I didn't eat it all before it went bad.)

Secondly: I am actively making use of my housing for the majority of the time I am alive. If I'm not at work, and not on vacation, I am usually at home. I require housing every single day--even away from home, one of the major expenses is shelter--a hotel, a hostel, a campground and camping supplies. When I am not at home, the majority of my belongings are in my housing.

"You also need to eat every single day?" yes but I don't need to go grocery shopping daily. I shop once a week or less, usually. I could even skip a week, and my choices would narrow a bit but I wouldn't go hungry. I often switch which store I shop at every week based on my needs/wants: Trader Joe's one week, Fred Meyer another, doing an online Safeway order the week after that. I am not locked into one store every single week. Grocery stores know this, and compete amongst among each other by (among other things) lowering prices. Landlords are not doing that.

Tl;dr: I am not dependent on one grocery store or one doctor and can switch if I don't like them. Switching houses is a tremendous pain in the ass and expensive.

Thirdly: With groceries and food in general: it is easier to get SNAP benefits (aka "food stamps") or go to a food bank than it is to get housing benefits/rental assistance, though this might have changed in some places due to the pandemic.

In regards to doctors: There's a lot of effort put into attempting to get poor people on publicly funded health insurance (in most/sane states, anyway). Also, if you go to the ER, they cannot deny you emergency care based on your ability to pay.

But we regularly let people go homeless.

Fourthly: As a general rule (see caveats below) there aren't a ton of people out there buying up all the groceries and medical care and then not using them and holding onto them just so they can wait for the price to increase before selling--and when people do buy up medical supplies just to jack up the price, we all recognize this as unethical and there are even laws against it in many places. There's not entire companies (again, exceptions noted below) whose business model is based on making sure there isn't enough food or medical care to go around specifically with the goal of jacking up the expense of it and making a profit.

Lastly: I actually think it should be illegal for healthcare to have a profit motive. I'm absolutely in favor of single-payer socialized medicine. I do in fact think that holding medical care ransom is also unethical, though your average GP isn't the problem--and unlike landlords, healthcare workers are doing something of value that takes a great deal of skill, and they should be paid appropriately.

Tl;dr, part two: Food and medical care are human rights as much as housing is, but making sure everyone gets them will look different.

(General caveat/disclaimer: In many rural places, there is in fact only one doctor/clinic and one grocery store--and if they jack up the price because they can, they are also unethically holding life necessities for ransom. Ironically (or not?) housing is often much, much less expensive in those places. Aka "Holy shit this house is cheap, but who the fuck wants to live out there? And where would I work???") (ALSO ALSO: lol tbh there are examples of people holding onto all of a particular kind of food with the idea of making it more expensive--the first example that came to mind was Quebec's supply of maple syrup! Which is tasty but not uhhh irreplaceable or necessary for human life. It happens far more often with medication--witness the price of insulin in the US. Which every decent person realizes is unethical, morally wrong bullshit.)

#I hope this makes sense????#I took too long to write this and I know it meanders #plus I fucked up the formatting at one point and then confused myself lol #landlord discourse

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esotericakit · 3 years

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Fancy ranting about why you love kit snicket?👀 tbh I never found her character that compelling but I’m extreme open to changes of opinion hhh? pls feel free to ignore this hhgkkgkg

oh my god i’m so sorry i’ve been super busy I only just saw this but ahhh I love this question ((also sorry if some of thisk doesn’t make sense, i just got off a 7 hour bus ride and I am sleep deprived)). also a tw here for some discussions of painful stuff like death, loss, grief, implications of suicidal thoughts (nothing graphic)

okay so that’s valid bc she doesn’t get a lot to work with in tpp BUUUUUT what you do get is very rich. so basically it’s all tied in with vfd and what they’ve done to the sugarbowl gen. every member of the sugarbowl gen has been ripped from their family extremely young and recruited into this organisation, forced into life threatening situations, kept from loved ones for long periods of time (like kit and lemony in atwq) and have sort of convinced themselves, to varying degrees, that it’s important because the organisation is important. with lemony, he’s disillusioned and disappears after heartbreak. with beatrice and bertrand, they decide to pull away and leave. with jacques, he buries himself so deeply into his work with vfd so that he doesn’t have to reckon with what they did to him. and then you have kit.

with kit, I think she isn’t as sold to vfd as jacques and can still be somewhat critical of it, but also recognises that she’s trapped and always will be at their beck and call, and it’s not easy to break out from this illusion of the mighty organisation she’s a part of. she’s a quick thinker, she’s a mechanic, she’s resilient, she’s quick-witted, she’s as good a volunteer as they come, and so they exploit that and use her gifts (like building the queequeg and having her make the poison darts). for the most part, she buys into vfd’s bullshit, but i think it’s a sort of defence mechanism where she knows that resistance is going to be harder than compliance, so she puts her head down and does the work.

and this leads her to do things that she maybe wouldn’t have done of her own free will, like aiding in the murder of olaf’s parents. we don’t know exactly what kit and olaf’s relationship was like, but from what’s given in their interaction in te, i think they were young sweethearts, i think kit did genuinely care for him, and i think that it was vfd that ordered the murder, and not beatrice and bertrand, as many people have implied. so, by giving beatrice and bertrand the darts, she chooses the organisation over her relationship, and it can’t have been an easy choice. this then re-ignites the schism, olaf becomes a firestarter and kit has to watch as her brother is framed by olaf for crimes he didn’t commit.

and then lemony dies, or so she thinks. i’m of the mind that kit never learns that her brother is actually alive, and dies thinking she lost him. and we know that family is one of the most important things to the snickets; “we snickets look out for their own”, and I imagine kit going beside herself trying to find ways to protect lemony from all the attacks, the frame jobs, the rumours, only to have it be too late, and she’s lost her brother forever.

and so she’s left there, mourning lemony, and all she has left of her family is jacques. and she loves jacques but his first priority is vfd, it’ll always be vfd. she has beatrice and bertrand, but they’ll leave to the island soon, and they’ll leave vfd after that, and be largely out of her life for good.

she starts building the queequeg and at last, her vfd work seems to be doing some good. she meets ink, monty’s latest discovery, and at last, it seems that other members of vfd are doing some good. and then she hears about the medusoid mycelium, and the illusion of vfd cracks a little bit more. she desperately tries to stop gregor from creating the mycelium, only for that to fail. another loss.

then, we don’t know the nature of kit and dewey’s relationship so again, going off what we have with the fact that she is pregnant when we meet her and that dewey’s last word is “kit”, not to mention the way that she explicitly asked about dewey’s wellbeing when she meets the baudelaires on the island, the implication is heavily that she and dewey are romantically involved. and I think she found a lot of solace in dewey. dewey, in his own way, had lost a lot, from his parents to his brother (joining the firestartera), to his own identity, all to vfd, and he understood where she was coming from in terms of being disillusioned but also being trapped.

and then the baudelaire fire happens, and it’s very clear to everyone that olaf was involved (whether he actually was or not is a different debate). so this is now 3 people who kit has loved that olaf has had a hand in their deaths. someone she loved killing other people she loved, and it’s the most painful thing.

we don’t know where kit is for the events of asoue, but regardless, she has to hear how other associates and friends have died or been killed at the hands of olaf, and each one hurts more than the last, because she can’t stop or slow down how many people she’s losing, and I think there’s an element of not being able to help but blame herself for his actions, because if she hadn’t helped kill his parents, maybe he wouldn’t be doing this.

and then jacques dies, and it’s the biggest blow yet. she just lost the last member of her family she had left, and she can’t cope, she stays in bed and decides that, despite dewey, despite her child, she’ll never leave her bed again.

what does make her leave, however, is vfd business; the message from quigley. she knows that she can’t even take the time to mourn her brother, she has to keep moving, and the pressure to carry the whole “good” side of vfd, to continue what her brother started, is on her shoulders, and that’s immense.

and so that’s when we meet her in tpp, and she is a broken person. she has lost so many people, been put through so much, had her entire worldview and foundation turned upside down, and she’s still doing all of this work, putting her life on the line over and over again, for an organisation that has done nothing but take things from her and hurt her, but there’s absolutely nothing else she can do. she’s pregnant and she can’t allow herself to be happy or excited about that because she just doesn’t have it in her. all she knows is that she has to get through this as quickly as she can, losing as few people as she can. her conversation with the baudelaires is interesting too, and is so exemplary of how she’s mourning; she remembers little details about beatrice and bertrand (like the feathers on bea’s shawl) and reminisces about how much the children look like them, and you can tell that it’s extremely painful to go through

she then leaves the baudelaires and risks her life again trying to rescue the quagmires, and it’s unclear whether it was a success or not but regardless, when she finally pulls herself up onto that stupid book raft she insists on making, she’s so so so so tired. she’s in labour, she doesn’t know what’s happened at the hotel denouement, she doesn’t know whether she’ll return to the city and find more destruction or not. i think the only thing stopping her from giving up while on that raft is the thought of her child and dewey, so she holds on.

she washes up on the island and the baudelaires are there, which means they’re alive, so that’s something. but then she hears that dewey’s dead. that the hotel went up in flames. that all that’s waiting for her in the city is more pain and more loss. and that’s the final blow, that’s the moment that she knows that there is nothing can happen that can repair the damage created by what’s been taken from her. she refuses the apple, citing fear that it would harm the baby, but I think the truth is that she couldn’t bear to consider continuing her life after all that’s happened, even if it means sacrificing a life with her child.

and then olaf shows up and he rescues her from the raft and she’s suddenly face to face with the reason for so much of the loss she��s faced. it was him who killed so many of her associates, her friends, her brothers. and she doesn’t forgive him, because she knows she isn’t big enough to do that. we can also hypothesise about whether or not olaf could be the baby’s father (i like to headcanon that she doesn’t know either way but it’s either dewey’s or olaf’s, and the stress of that makes this moment even harder). but she also doesn’t have the energy to be angry at him. she knows these are her last moments, and she knows that olaf was a victim of vfd, just like she was. so she touches his tattoo and chooses instead to recite poetry, because it’s easier than being angry, it’s easier than hating him. he recites poetry back, and then dies. and despite the fact that he’s hurt her so much, she did care for him once, it’s one more person she’s lost, when she didn’t think she had anyone else to lose.

and then she gives birth to her daughter, using the last ounces of strength she has left. it’s a horrendously sad thing, because i think she could have had the capacity to love her daughter, to be a good mother, but the pain won out and she stopped being able to want to help herself, if that makes sense. so she gives her daughter life, the only thing she has left to give her, and then dies.

I think it’s so staggering to think about this person, who could have lived a life full of colour and fire, and see her completely beaten down to what she ended up as in tpp. she’s a prime example of what vfd does, she’s the last one standing of her generation, and the toll that takes on her is immense. i think the juxtaposition of her recklessness and her grief against the fact that she’s pregnant and about to become a mother is even more heartbreaking. she’s such a compelling character and so gorgeously written, even though what we see of her is so brief. she’s a person who so desperately wants autonomy and control over her situation, things she’ll never truly have, so she does reckless things that endanger her life, to get that control back and because she truly stops caring about her well-being.

and it’s a little comforting i guess? i tend to project onto kit a lot because of some of my own life experiences and losses and i understand where she comes from a lot of time time and it’s such a difficult place and my heart just hurts for her a lot

i’m sorry that this was so long, i got carried away lol thanks for the question though!!

#kit snicket #asoue #a series of unfortunate events #fran rants about kit snicket again

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littleaprilcherryblossom · 4 years

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i haven't actually thought to look at it that way. i rarely look at lyrics when i listen to songs, probs why i feel more emotional when listening to eng version, cause i hear the words as they're sang, if that makes sense? oh my gosh, tell me more please!! were you scared? you know, going alone and all? i would love to see my favourite artists live but i'd have no one to go with and i would be terrified of going alone. i bet they sounded amazing live. what was your favourite thing in Amsterdam?

and i'm good thank you! ❤️ i started pole dancing classes this week and i realised i have no strength in my arms whatsoever lol but other than that work is boring and i have 6 more weeks until my holidays so uff, gotta survive that. i also feel like i've gotten very lazy this pat year, is that just me? i use to like, write a lot and exercise sometimes and now i just procrastinate but life's like that sometimes i guess. i hope back to school isn't stressful or anything! 2/2

🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩

Looking at the lyrics, even if they are in Korean really helps connect with the emotion and overall mood of the song I think, you should try looking at them ! 😌👍 But yes of course I understand why songs in English appeal to you more 😊

I was more excited than scared tbh, I was scared to miss the train or something since I had to take two different trains and the second train was in a different train station than the one I arrived to with the first and since it is in Paris and all I was kind of confused because it was not well indicated 😂 but other than that I was not scared at all, I was so excited to explore a city on my own, I had booked the hotel and all the tickets myself so I had no doubt about this part of the trip 😊💕👍 I also had a map of the city in my bag in case O got lost or something but I have a pretty good memory and sense of orientation so everything went fine and when I took the tram I listened to the instructions and everything, really it was just a good experience over all !

My favourite thing was obviously the concert, I met so many nice people, all super hyped and happy and they even helped me with my ticket I had to download again on my phone, they were the sweetest I swear 😭❤️ other than that I really loked the long walk I took in the city center the day I arrived. I went out around 4:30 pm and took a walk in Damrak, the avenue which leads to Dam Square, the big place in the city center and I took pretty photos during my walk, entered some cute shops and libraries, ate in a restaurant and I came back around 10 pm 😂 I was so satisfied with my day and I was so amazed by the architecture, the canals, the Christmas lights, the clear sky... everything was so pretty, I loved it ! 🧡

I know it's a big step to make but this was one of my best experiences so far, you should try travelling on your own too, it's fun ! And if you plan the big lines of your trip ahead of going you'll be less stressed ! I booked a place to sleep, my concert ticket and my train tickets and the rest I decided on the spot, went with the flow and I enjoyed it ! ✨

Wow pole dancing is so cool ! I admire pole dancers so much ! ✨ You'll get muscles over the time dw 😌 and I feel you with the procrastination 😂 I also got super lazy last year but now I have found a motivation to work so it's a bit easier to get to work these days, maybe try to find something that will make you want to work and will feel like a prize when you are finished ? ✨ School is ok for now, I have a few big assignments due next month though so I should start working on them 😅

I wish you a wonderful week 💖

#mutuals 🙌#ask #thank you so much !#i am: happy

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baekmessedupmytempo · 5 years

Text

Lonely Night - Baekhyun

Masterlist

Description: Living with the aftereffects of Byun Baekhyun is difficult and soon, every single night, you’re left alone with the thoughts, memories and feelings. Inspired by Taeyeon’s song ‘Lonely Night’, it’s a break-up AU where the main pairing is Baekhyun x female reader. (All the lines in italic are directly quoted from Taeyeon’s song but everything else is mine, so please ask me for permission before translating it or anything.)

Rating: PG tbh

Trigger Warning: none (only one swear word?)

Word Count: 4,068

The blanket rustled as you tossed over again for what felt like the millionth time. Your limbs were contorted, trying to find a position in which your eyes would finally close. But your mind would still remain awake.

The night is so long, I can’t fall asleep.

Your eyes, though heavy, can’t seem to shut without the door to your most sacred memories being flung wide open as every look, every touch and every sound poured out. The thought of his warm chestnut coloured hair and the way it lay atop of his head in messy yet stylish waves. The look in his dark brown eyes as he pulled back from the tender kiss he just gave and the little upturn of the corner of his cheeks as your cheeks flushed, your lips having been caught off-guard by his.

What was he doing? Was he lying in bed, feeling as wretched and miserable as you? Was he reliving the intimate kisses and grieving over the fact that no more would be shared? Was he thinking about you like you were endlessly thinking about him?

Rising slowly, your back sliding against the headboard of the bed, you stilled as you managed to lift your weary bones into a sitting position. Taking in a deep sigh, your nervous eyes glanced at your phone which lay undisturbed on the bedside table. Tentatively, you reached out a finger to wake your phone from its own slumber and were greeted by the disappointing truth that there would no longer be any messages nor anymore morning calls coming from ‘Baekberry <3’ to wake you up. Hesitatingly opening your phone, your fingers, seeming to move with a mind of their own, clicked to open his chat only to see the last exchange you ever shared.

I fiddle with my phone, it’s not like me to be like this.

27th February

You: Hey, sweetie. Are we still going to meet the coffee shop at 12 today? Can’t wait to see you hehe, it’s been too long <3

Baekberry <3: Yeah.

Wincing as your eyes glided over the cruel single word glaring up at you on the brightly lit screen, you closed the chat and loaded up Instagram. You scrolled through your feed as you sank a little deeper into your bed, stopping still when a black and white image appeared. Staring at the back of the neck that once used to be a refuge for your hands, you zoomed in to see what the inked skin said. Failing to make it out, your eyes darted to the caption with a pained sigh tumbling from your lips. “coming soon” followed by a fire emoji; this seemed to unconsciously spark a fire inside your chest as your heart burst into flames.

You tossed your phone onto your side, leaving it unlocked and frozen at that very image as you heaved yourself off your bed, the oversized sweatshirt that you fashioned as a nightie falling over your legs as you straightened them once you had stood up. Gently, you made your way over to the balcony connected to your hotel room, pulling back the curtains before you opened the delicate glass doors. Slipping through the newly made gap, your bare legs were hit with the cool spring breeze as you made your way to the edge and leant on the wall, your naked feet standing on the cold floor. You crossed your arms on the wall as you looked around at the Parisian landscape consisting of the lit-up Eiffel Tower which seemed to somehow have been further illuminated by the glowing moonlight. Ironic. In the city of love but living without any. Why did you even choose to come here in the first place?

I wanna go someplace unfamiliar and create a world without any trace of you.

What more could you do? Your heart not only ached for him, but it ached knowing that it never belonged anywhere. Your soul was calling out desperately for respite and a week ago you impulsively sought out the first flight to Paris without telling anyone, choosing to escape the agony of everyday and explore yourself whilst simultaneously exploring a new location. Your eyes glossed over the beautiful architecture within the Parisian streets before stopping at the streetlights that attempted to lighten the shadow of the night.

Unfamiliar streets, people, that’s okay I live so busily but then I see you again.

Your mind went back to earlier on in the day when you walked down the Champs-Elysee, the unfamiliar streets making you gaze in wonder at the strangers walking past causing you to think about the vividly different lives that they were living. Then your eyes fell upon his smirking face where he was stood in the corner of the street, the daylight shining upon him. It seemed like the rest of the world was slowed down as his hand lazily grazed through his dark chocolate curls as he was dressed in that same outfit that he wore in the Lotto music video which he knew you loved as it drove you crazy. Your heart stuttered as your steps slowed to a halt, surprised by his presence. What was he doing here?

Your reverie was broken when another shoulder collided with yours and you tore your eyes away from the fine young man only to be faced by an angry middle-aged man dressed head to toe in designer clothing exclaiming loudly for you to stop blocking the way in French. With a chagrined expression, you mumbled an apology as you continued walking, this time making your way towards the corner but the handsome boy in black was no longer there. He had disappeared and you were left there in the middle of a crowded street knowing that wherever you were, he would never be. You scolded yourself for stooping so low to start creating visions of him.

Let’s throw away our memories, it was just an illusion anyway.

You scoffed on the balcony, bringing up a hand to brush through your messy hair and rolled your eyes. All of the memories had begun to feel like illusions crafted masterfully by a fate so cruel that took form in the man named Byun Baekhyun. Every kiss, every touch and every embrace felt like lies. The bond that seemed unbreakable once before now felt irreparable.

Boy, it’s over, I hate you. I don’t know your name… How many times do I have to tell myself?

Indeed, how many more sleepless nights would you spend thinking about him? How much longer would you repeat this wistful mantra to make yourself believe it? It was much easier said than done for every time you heard his angelic voice in a song on your phone, you were reduced to tears because his departure had been the opposite. His songs gave you the comfort that he no longer did, and it felt like you were made to suffer and shrink into a hollowed-out shell of a girl for the rest of your life.

He was inescapable. He was everywhere, in every song, in every petal that bloomed, in every smile. What was the use in fighting something that seemed impossible to overcome? He was undefeated and had moved on easily, it appears. A solo album to be released, a fashion line already launched, and he even started his own YouTube channel. You had already sat down and watched each video, reading the comments in which some of his die-hard fans vowed they would stream his videos whilst the only thing that you would stream were cold, salty tears.

You rubbed at your eyes and closed them, trying to feel the soft midnight wind in your face. It would be dawn in an hour or two and you would have to wake up an hour after to finish your essay and submit it for your 8am deadline. Fleeing to Paris to reinvent yourself had, in theory, been a good idea but the threat of not completed your university work loomed high over your head. Just because your love life had crashed and burned didn’t mean that your career had to experience the same. Morning would come without fail and you could soon busy yourself again; you could survive another night, no matter how excruciating it would be.

I can’t wake up; I’m lost in sad dreams.

Even though the sun would rise again, it didn’t mean it would be easy for you to do the same. You groaned out loud as you opened your eyes. You gazed at the street, but upon hearing a loud chatter, your eyes unwittingly landed on the couple walking along the pavement, clearly in their own world. The man was being silly, making his partner laugh as he jokingly swung around the streetlight, giving her a wink. She rolled her eyes and shook her head playfully as she offered him a loving smile in addition to her hand. Your smile mirrored the girl in the streets’, and you were happy for the pair who were young, carefree and in love. He took it, placing a kiss upon it before he twirled her around. You heard her delicate laughter and he said what seemed to be her name. He suddenly dipped her, and you heard her gasp in surprise before he leant down, placing a chaste kiss to her lips. Your fingers made their way to your own lips, your cheeks flushing with heat as you remembered the dream that you had awoken from that morning.

It was the night of your first anniversary and Baekhyun had taken you to a hill on the outskirts of town in his car. You were parked and looked down at the city shining with the red lights of traffic, the yellow streetlights, and the lights within buildings and houses in the blackness accompanying the night. You gasped loudly as Baekhyun removed your blindfold and your mouth had slightly opened in a pleasant shock.

“Baek, it’s beautiful,” you whispered as he took your hand in his. You turned your head to look at him and gave him a soft smile as you gazed into his eyes, which were gleaming like the starlight in the skies above.

“You sure are,” his lips rested in a tender smile. You blushed and looked down shyly, squeezing your entwined hands gently.

“How come you brought me up here tonight?” you enquired; your eyes filled with an innocent curiosity. He smiled at your cute expression, he always told you that your personality was adorable and that your politely inquisitive nature was endearing.

“Remember how you told me that you feel like this world is just one puzzle and that you’re just one tiny insignificant part of it?” he said as he looked out to the city.

“Yeah?” you looked up at him with a light crease in your brow.

“Well tonight, I wanted to show you a bit of perspective. We’re on the outside looking in and right there is a little world full of different people living their own lives in the most unique ways possible. We all fit together to form one working ‘system’ but if one part was to be lost, it wouldn’t be the same. Look, if a few lights turned off in the city, then this picture wouldn’t be the same,” his eyes filled with fondness, “If the world lost you, then the puzzle would be completely different. It wouldn’t be the same.”

“That’s kinda clever. Did Junmyeon teach you that?” you teasingly raised your eyebrows, as you felt proud that your boyfriend had given you an avenue of thought you never really travelled down before.

“No,” he pouted indignantly as you smiled at his childish nature. You lightly pinched his cheeks and laughed.

“I know you thought of it, don’t be silly, Baek. That was really thoughtful of you. I wonder if this world is just one massive puzzle that keeps on transforming as old parts no longer fit and it has to make space for new pieces.”

“It’s led me to believe one thing.”

“And what’s that, honey?” you turned your head to face him as you caught a hint of pink on his cheeks; he was still facing outwards, towards the city.

“That although the world is constantly changing, there’s always something that remains stable and consistent. Soulmates.”

You giggled lightly as you looked at the shining city once again, “What if they’re meant to transform, too?”

“They aren’t and they won’t, and they don’t.”

“You seem to believe very strongly in this, Baek.” You smiled to yourself, thinking that being soulmates with Baek would be the best thing to happen to you. Being stuck with his cheeky and dumb ass for the rest of your life was appealing in so many ways.

“I do. Soulmates are puzzles where two souls fit together perfectly to form one. Soulmates aren’t like the earth because they aren’t designed to constantly change. They’re set in stone, pre-written. It’s destiny.”

You let him continue on as the smile grew on your face, listening to his passionate idea. You loved it when you spoke about deep topics and heard him express his own secret thoughts as it made you feel like his confidante and he was yours.

“That’s why soulmates feel so comfortable with each other. Why they feel at home when they’re together. Their souls speak the same unique language and every emotion is wordlessly translated.”

“That’s very romantic,” you played with his fingers as you smiled up at him, slightly surprised that he was no longer looking at the cityscape but at you. Your cheeks blazed with heat as you saw the intensely deep, loving gaze that he held in his eyes. Your face softened as you returned his gaze with one mirroring the same intensity and emotions and he took his hands from yours and held your face with his right, his fingers lightly moving across your cheek. You clasped his hand with yours and began to gently rub circles into this hand with your thumb.

“I think… I know that we are soulmates, Y/N.” Your eyes widened slightly and so did your smile as your heart burst with pure joy and you replied, “I do too, Baekhyun.”

“You’re my home.”

“As you are mine.”

“I just need to test this theory.”

“How are you planning on doing so?” you quirked an eyebrow, a lazy smile gracing your face which was glowing so bright from happiness.

“By kissing you.” His eyes had glanced down at your lips which, to him, had looked so soft and plump. He slipped his hand from your face, taking yours and holding it tight as he leaned forward, causing your eyes to close once you felt his face coming near yours. Your noses brushed past each other, his lips hovering above your own and you felt the warm embrace he held you in as he finally pressed his lips to yours. Massaging your lips softly, you melted into him, feeling your heart race as fireworks exploded in your stomach and your soul felt at peace. He pulled back breathlessly, and you opened your eyes, seeing his dark orbs gazing into yours as you stared at him wordlessly.

“I believe I just proved myself right. You are definitely my soulmate.” You both smiled at each other and faced the city, your hands both intertwined once again.

I keep looking back to when we were together, night and day.

You were transported back into Paris once again, on your balcony alone. You looked down at the couple, fingers still on your lips but with a wistful expression on your face. Why couldn’t you be as content as them?

The happy memory was quickly replaced by the brutal one of your separation as your fingers soon grasped the wall for support.

“We can’t be together anymore, Y/N,” his cold expression was off-putting as the words fell from his mouth and your cup fell from your hands at the coffee shop. You didn’t even notice the splash of steaming hot coffee that had spilled onto your hands, the scalding hot tears instead drawing your attention as they fell from your eyes. You had sensed that something had gone awry, considering Baekhyun had been acting strange lately. He would never message back as often or as quickly as he did, he never answered or returned your calls and he was being very distant. You chalked it up to being due to his fatigue from the tour and constant practice that he was having to partake in, and you just wanted to support him any way that he could without adding any extra pressure.

“What?” the words had barely left your mouth at an audible level, but he heard you.

“I don’t want to be with you anymore,” his voice was indifferent as your tears were flowing down your face.

“Can I ask why?” your quiet voice had whispered as you stared at the mess you made through the wetness clouding your vision, wiping it up with tissues in a slow manner. You refused to let him see you cry, despite failing horribly in doing so.

“I just don’t think we work together. You and I, we live very different lives. I rarely get to see you and that’s not fair to either of us,” he said with bitterness in his voice.

“But Baek, I can hold on. You know I want to be supportive; I knew there would be some long-distance from the start. We’ve made it work for three years so far.”

“But what if I can’t hold on any longer? What if I don’t want just your support? What if I just want to have you with me every day? Home is wherever you are, Y/N. I can’t focus properly when I’m away from you for too long. It hurts so fucking much.” You looked up at him and saw his face had softened slightly and that his expression was stoic no more.

“Baek, I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do about that. You know that I can’t just uproot my life and give up on my own career just for you.” You hated that life was so unfair. That fate had to snatch the only man you had ever loved and wanted to love for the rest of your existence from you.

“I know and I’m not asking you to. But it’s too painful and I know it is the same for you. Let’s just save ourselves the hurt. Let’s just stop.” He sounded so indifferent in that last sentence that you looked into his eyes, only to see grief despite his frosty expression.

You said nothing and stayed quiet, focusing on cleaning your mess. The struggle and pain that you suffered for three years had appeared to be for nothing. You didn’t want to cause him any more pain. You knew you could bear with it but if he couldn’t deal with it, it wasn’t fair to keep him holding on. It’s not like touring with him was an option anyway.

You took a deep breath in and gave a small nod. You felt dizzy. You took out your purse, handing him the money that your drink had cost whilst apologising for the mess. You got up and quickly put on your coat, grabbing your bag before looking at him for the final time. He wasn’t looking at you, but at your empty chair. He was managing his expression well, but you knew that on the inside he was breaking too.

“Goodbye, Baek.” You whispered, so desperately wanting to stroke his hair again and give him one last kiss before there was no longer a you and him. But you didn’t. You turned away and walked out of the store and along the pavement slowly, trying to convince yourself to wake up from this nightmare. You expected him to run up behind you, like in the movies, and hug you tightly, begging you to get back together. But life isn’t a movie.

I know I miss you and that’s the truth but even that chases me around.

You did miss him. All you ever did was miss him. You lifted the sleeve of your sweatshirt and smelled what remained of his cologne. It was a Prive hoodie that he wore obsessively, and you loved how cosy it was, so you borrowed it and never got a chance to give it back. But you didn’t want to. It was a memory of him. A memory that the both of you happened. A memory that he had existed.

You missed him so much it felt like your soul had been ripped in half. That you had lost a piece of yourself. That the puzzle that had been the pair of you was left unsolved, your souls no longer fitting together.

You closed your eyes, trying to hold back the tears as you felt the feather touch of soft, full lips on your shoulder. You opened your eyes and saw him. His face looked up at you as the moonlight shone down and illuminated him, his features as brilliant as ever. You smiled softly as he stood up and smiled brightly back. He took your hand led you back inside the room, navigating you to the bed where he gestured you to lie down. You gently made your way onto the bed, holding out your arms for him to climb into. He grinned boyishly as you felt his warmth wrap around you, his cheek pressing into your neck. For the first time in months, you felt calm and collected. Your eyes closed and you felt at peace with him next to you. You turned over to try and curl into him, only to roll over into empty space. You opened your eyes and laughed mockingly at yourself, throwing your face into your hands as sobs wracked your entire body. You didn’t even bother concealing the sound, you just couldn’t bear with the pain anymore. You scorned your mind for playing tricks on you and you scorned your heart for still holding the place that you knew would invariably be his. You were still his, whether he liked it or not because you carried him with you, wherever you went.

You were pathetic. Imagining him here to hold you at night. Surely, you couldn’t go any lower.

Enough is enough, I won’t cry anymore… So, I won’t ever think of you again; erase the lonely nights, everything… I will be okay.

No. you refused to give in. You would hate him so much that your mind would automatically block his name out. You wouldn’t remember him. Ever again. You begged the night to take his name and his memories into its darkness. You wanted to erase everything. Every thought, every trace and every remnant. These nights would no longer be reigned by sadness or despair. You would find a way out of this. You will survive. You will be okay. You tried to comfort yourself, but your reassurance was hopeless.

Now I know you better, but it makes me even more lonely.

But every memory carved his existence, his presence, his very being into your heart. He was engraved into every fibre of your own being and you knew him better than before. His name was always on the tip of your tongue, his heart always on your sleeve, and his touch always on your skin.

In complete heartache, you brought your knees up to your chest, suddenly feeling a cool sense of loneliness wash over you. Wrapping your arms around your legs, you sat there silently on your bed crying in complete and utter desolation knowing that the hopeless and continuous evocation of Byun Baekhyun would haunt you at the time you felt the most vulnerable – the night. You glanced through the transparent doors that led to your balcony and forlornly watched the half moon in the sky which somehow seemed to sympathise with your misery. Maybe somewhere, he was watching the same moon too.

Loveless, lost, and lonesome, you sat there on a bed in a hotel room in Paris. A broken girl with a broken heart, staring at a broken moon until the sun came up and the ghost of the memories of him evanesced. Until morning comes.

I’m sick of lonely nights.

#byun baekhyun #baekhyun #exo bbh #exo #baekhyun x you #baekhyun x reader #baek #bbh #masterlist #my writing #exo x reader #exo x you #fanfic #exo fanfiction #exo writing #songfic #exo songfic

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capriswritingnartshenanigans · 6 years

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Could you possibly do Companions reactions to Ss who has serious breathing problems? (Ex: Can’t be around smoke and lots of dust or they get extremely wheezy and start coughing a lot) //you don’t have to if you don’t wanna!//

#fallout 4 #fo4 companions #fo4 companions react #hancock #nick valentine #piper wright #preston garvey #gage

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organizedstudy · 6 years

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A few moths back I went to Rome by myself! It wasn’t my first time there but it was my first time traveling alone. In this post I’ll try to answer some of your questions about traveling solo as well as giving you some tips!

How do you plan your days? I started with the things that I had to book (in my case the Colosseum and the Vatican) because depending on when I got a ticket for them changed what day I would do the other things. I searched some tourist sites for things to do and also asked on here. Try to group things together based on where they are so you don’t have to go back and forth all the time. I made a plan before going but I didn’t follow it perfectly and that’s part of the charm, you can do whatever you want whenever you want.

How do you find a place to stay? I searched online for cheap hotels close to the center. Check out for things like AC, curfews, rules, if breakfast is included etc. I personally stayed at a hotel but I think it would be cool to stay at a hostel too! This depends on you as a person though, for me it was very nice to have my own room to come back to.

How do you deal with creepy people? I had to deal with this a few times, I was never scared but I felt a little uncomfortable. I accidentally agreed to meet with an older man late at night (don’t do this!!) but I just didn’t go to our meeting point. The other men I had to deal with that asked me for my number/if I wanted to hang later I just said no to and thankfully they listened. When you go somewhere alone you will become an easier target. You can always lie, even if you already said you were there alone and don’t know anyone in the city you can always say something like you have a dinner reservation or that your hotel has a curfew, that you have to be somewhere (like on a tour) in the morning. You don’t owe people shit and they will never know. Don’t give out your hotel name or your full name! Put in the number to your hotel and your embassy if you want to, they are there to help you if you are in a crisis. If you think someone is following you, go up to a random stranger and start talking to them so you at least aren’t alone.

What do I do if I get lost? Before you go on your trip, download google maps on your phone. On there you can save locations (like your hotel, sites to visit, restaurants etc) and also download a map for a whole area! (Also, looking at your phone will make you look less like a tourist than looking at a big map!) I’d also suggest actually trying to get lost at least once on your trip because chances are you’ll find an amazing place you would’ve never seen other ways.

What is eating alone like? It’s a little hard tbh. You feel a little out of place and sometimes I ate way too fast. Bring a book! Pick a seat that enables you to look at other people/look outside! The first night I accidentally took a seat facing a wall and that was kinda boring tbh. Also!! Try to sit down at every meal! It doesn’t have to be at a fancy restaurant, even if your eating pizza to go, try to find a bench to sit at because otherwise you’ll exhaust yourself.

How did you dare to do it? Honestly, Damon and Jo. They have a travel show on youtube and their “slogan” is “Shut up and go” so after I had thought about going to Italy for big parts of the summer, dreaming about being back I was like, ok I have to just shut up and go. And I did! Traveling is always worth it! Even if it’s raining all the time or it isn’t as fantastic as you thought you’ll always have the memories, that nice dish you ate, that person that came up to talk to you, the knowledge that you can do it, the feeling that you have something that no one else has, no one has those same experiences as you do, and that is cool!

Take care of yourself! Everyone says that the best thing with traveling alone is that you don’t have to worry about anyone else, this is true but it also means that there’s no one there to worry about or take care of you. The first two days I cried of exhaustion by the afternoon and night because I had just pushed myself to my limits. I walked a lot and didn’t sit down long enough for lunch and ate no snacks in between meals. The third day I went to a store and bought some trail mix and a box of bars and my trip took such a turn! From that point on I felt so much better, because I started taking care of myself properly. (Also this is a very good excuse to eat more gelato) I felt so much shame (from myself) the first night when I felt bad, I didn’t understand why I felt bad and I wanted to be able to get through it on my own but I ended up calling my mum. What I learned is that there is no shame in calling a family member or a friend if you don’t feel good! Do what you have to do to enjoy your trip as much as possible. There’s no meaning in keeping up a facade of feeling well just because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Don’t beat yourself up for not feeling good when you are traveling, it’s not your fault. Check that your basic human needs are for filled, have you slept? Have you eaten enough? Have you drinken enough? Have you sat down enough? If you are unsure or if you feel like you have not, try to take care of these things before you do anything else.

Language I’m in no way fluent in Italian but I can get along pretty well. I mostly spoke Italian when I was in Rome but everything that had to do with big sums of money or things I really didn’t want to misunderstand I took in English. Thing like paying for my hotel and transfer, asking about where I could pick up my ticket for the tour at the Colosseum and going through the airport security. Of course this will depend on how confident you are in the language spoken in the country you are going to but these are some general advice. If you don’t speak the language at all, try to learn some phrases like hello, thank you, excuse me and good bye. It’s nice and shows a little extra effort.

Remember your trip Take a lot of pictures!! And ask others to take pictures of you! I have so many ugly selfies from Rome but I’m smiling in every one of them so they still make me super happy to look back at. If you’re in a warm place (and especially if you’re carrying your phone in your hand) make sure to dry of the sweat from the lens. I’d also suggest writing down a few lines per day about what you did, how you felt, something that happend etc. I did this on facebook because then I kept everyone at home updated while I also got a personal diary. (Also you can upload loads of photos without clogging anyone’s feed) But how much of your trip you want to share is of course completely up to you!

Your phone Make sure to check if you need any adapters for your electronics. Bring spare batteries (those rechargeable things) because you don’t want to be in the middle of an unknown city without your phone to guide you. Don’t forget your headphones! I did (fortunately still at the airport before my flight) so I had to go buy some cheap ones that weren’t that good and also hurt my ears. Download some podcasts and music (if not else for the flights). Don’t look too much at your phone while walking because you want to look at what’s around you.

If you have any more questions feel free to ask them! I’m not an expert as I’ve only done this once but there might be things I didn’t talk about in this post that I could help you with! I really do hope you travel alone sometime, yes it can be challenging at times but as you push through that it gets so much better and is so worth it! Take care!

#wow just like 3 months later I'm so quick don't you think?#travel #travel tips #Rome #wanderlust #langblr #a presto Italia #mine #thank you anon for making me finish this post finally haha

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calumcest · 4 years

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first of all it's so nice to see that you're back & i hope you're feeling better? :) i really get that your friend wanted to leave, hamburg is just the worst and dresden is really such a beautiful city i understand your love for it well :) do you have any plans about going back to dresden? & berlin too since you said you want to? (i'm gonna assume corona kind of cancelled any eventual plans but still) & may i ask where in england you live? i love england/the uk a lot so i was wondering 🙈 (pt1)

(pt3) for example i personally love hearing about good parts of the east bc it's always shown like hell on earth when it wasn't all bad really? and i don't think i ever noticed anything about our landscape but that might just be bc i didn't pay attention 😅 is there sth specific that stuck out to you? and off the top of my head the first difference that comes to my mind is how there is still a pay gap between east and west which is mindblowing to me, and then the general behaviour?

(pt4) like my english teacher was from baden-württemberg and he had really big problems adjusting to our general tone? like apparently people in the west are more open and easier to approach which i found really fascinating. and i mean we are pretty divided by language though that's not exactly a west/east conflict i mean sachsen and berlin have such different dialects too. oh & i meant west germany until 90 - that just feels like the history of a different country to me.

(pt5) & i definitely associate myself more w berlin than with germany which also feels so weird? oh that's so niice!! i love these pics :) i was so afraid you'd say that 😅 it's always been pfannkuchen to me, berliner just sounds fucking wrong (i do get your points about it i just can't accept it bc it feels so so wrong) i don't have a strong opinion about nutella tbh except for it's clearly not der nutella. you're so right about that. like it literally makes me cringe to hear 'der nutella'.

(pt6) that's so valid articles cause a lot of distress since they just don't make sense sometimes. and if you're infiltrating duden already please remove kaktusse as a plural of kaktus i would really appreciate it bc the fact that they put that in literally makes me want to claw my skin off. hope you can find it for free! and you should definitely rewatch hsm! i did that at the beginning of lockdown and it was amazing

(pt7) ooh that sounds amazing!! and so funny just from the description i can't wait for more holyverse :) also quickly wanted to mention that thanks to all your atl promo i'm now listening to nothing but them 😂 -spoiler twin

thank you!! i am feeling a little better gradually getting there taking a big ol social media break really helped! also yes i’m DESPERATE to move back to dresden the issue is i dont know wtf i’d be able to do there? because of the way the education system is set up in germany like i studied (man had to change that to past tense cant believe i’m DONE) history and german here and in germany that would be part of lehramt but here its like? i can just do what i like? (w further qualifications) i can go and become a lawyer, i can work in government, i can literally do anything and in germany its so restricted that i dont know whether i could actually go over unless i’d already established myself in a career path? so i don’t know :( i really really want to move back but i’ll have to find a career that lets me do that first! and if i do move back (which i pray i can) i think i’ll probably live in dresden first because i miss it so much but i’ve always wanted to live in berlin since i was a teenager and fell in love w it the first time i visited so i would love to live there at some point too but dresden is my priority i’m just so besotted sjdfnjsdf also i live in london! best place on the planet not that i’m biased or antyhing

omg honestly i MISS kika might just fuck around and watch sending mit der maus tomorrow for fun i wonder if christoph is still there he was my childhood icon sjkdnfksjdf also me too!! i find it so interesting on like a day to day level? like obviously there was the overarching political regime but i’m more interested in how that affected the everyday lives of citizens of both states? my masters thesis is (hopefully) gonna be about how hiv/aids was constructed in the public sphere through language in the east and west i.e. how the government, intellectuals, media, church etc used language to create an idea of hiv/aids and people with hiv/aids its kind of building on my bachelorarbeit but its super interesting to me!

omg literally same i find it so reductive when people are like ossi bad haha like? yeah lets not act like hohenschönhausen was a cushy hotel but there was much more stability in some areas e.g. housing/jobs? honestly i think the attitudes towards foreigners and the right wing sympathy was the main thing that stood out to me but that was probably just dresden/saxony LMAO

that’s so interesting? i didn’t know that! honestly all of you lot scare me because the stereotype about how direct the germans are is like...so true especially as a brit i cannot lie to you my FIRST day at work i was in a meeting and they were discussing ideas about how to teach a particular lesson and one teacher put forward an idea and another teacher straight up went ‘no that’s a bad idea that won’t work. we should think about something else’ i was literally like ?!?!??!?! thinking a fight was about to break out cos in the uk if someone offers an idea and someone thinks its bad theyll be like ‘thats an interesting idea! maybe we can incorporate some elements of that’ which means its shit dont mention it again and i went home and i told my mum (shes my german parent) and she said when she first came to the uk her boss came out to his secretary and said would you mind doing this? and she went home to my dad and was like WOW my boss is so polite he said ‘would you mind’ and my dad was like babes...that means ‘do this or else’ LMAO like we just have such different communication styles? also it was the first place that i’ve ever been met with confusion when someone bumps into me or steps on my foot and i apologise like in the uk thats just a given but people would bump into me and i’d be like schuldigung and they’d be like why are you sorry i bumped into you not the other way round?

that’s interesting! would you call yourself a berliner before calling yourself a german or vice versa? i assume it would depend on who you’re talking to as well like to a foreigner maybe more likely to just say german? although everyone knows where berlin is

omg NO pfannkuchen is a prper pancake but i will accept it because you are from berlin so you have authority i genuinely never heard pfannkuchen mean anything other than what dresdeners call eierkuchen until i was in dresden THAT was a nasty surprise because i dont actually like berliner so i just had to politely eat this berliner when i was expecting crepes :’(

oh god please the first thing i’md oing when i infiltrate duden is getting rid of cases and genders if english can make do without then so can german we do not need any of that nonsense i dont care whether its dative or accusative TERRIBLE whoever invented the german language should be fired also i’m FASCINATED that thats what you dont like what would you like the plural to be kakti? kakten? kaktüsse? i’m very intersted in this

I’M LIVING!!!!! alex gaskarth give me a commission for this free promo please god i love atl i need to relisten i went on a binge a few weeks ago and havent really listened to much recently besides vegas for some reason

#spoiler twin #Anonymous #helen answers #HELLOOOOOOOO WHY WONT MY READ MORE WORK

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hooryayy · 7 years

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TWO YEARS TO THE DAY LATER and I am finally ready to share the story of when I fangirled hard enough to Edward James Olmos that he gave me a free autographed photo of him and Mary McDonnell

So this might get a tad longish, so I’ll be under a cut, but here is a brief summary: a Trump supporter pissed me off so much that despite me being high as heck on adderall, I had to go talk to EJO

In July 2015 I got my then romantic partner and his roommate to watch BSG with me so when I found out EJO was going to be at San Jose Comic Con in August, it only took a little bit of pestering to get them on board.

It was a 2-day convention and my always broke ass had to work late Friday night so we were only going to make it for half of the first day. Saturday morning rolls around and the boys are tripping out because our usual drug guy fell through. It was kind of a ritual for us to pick up some uppers anytime we went out of town, and tbh we were all heavily drug dependent back in those days SO you bet we took 2 extra hours to pop in and out of the city to pick up.

Finally dosed and got on our way, hit the usual weekend bay area traffic and arrived to the con at 3pm. We walked in and the line to meet this guy stretched wall to wall and I was immediately intimidated and tried to walk back out lmao. An announcement was made that they were ending for the day at 4, so I felt a lot less pressured to overcome my anxiety yet. Spent that hour in Star Trek collectors heaven though..

Rest of the eve/night we spent doing things GROWN ASS ADULTS shouldn’t be doing like sneaking into mini-golf and climbing trees with bottles of Jack and hot-boxing our hotel room while watching the series finale of Hannibal...

OK so Sunday. This was my day. We were having breakfast at the Red Robin in Morgan Hill with all the white families that just got done with church, the three of us doubled-down on 60 extended (okay this is a pretty big dose) and I’m starting to get anxious again (with or without the drugs it wouldn’t have mattered) like “I’m not/I can’t meet this guy, I don’t know how to approach him or even what to say blah blah blah” and the boys are getting mad at me because I talked about this for weeks (and planned what i wanted to say) and I’m being lame and I’ll be fine..

We show up to day 2, 12pm.. and literally no one is in line and now I am hella freaking the fuck out because literally it is only me that is stopping this from happening. My friend immediately walks up and shakes his hand and chats for a second and comes back and says the obvious that he is a nice dude, and I am like frozen, second hand embarrassment even though nothing bad happened. But my scared ass walks to the exact opposite corner of the building to slowly browse and psyche myself up for this.

so I got sucked in to this guy’s 90s scifi trading card collection, specifically the x-files binders lol and then he starts to make small talk and stuff, he asks what I study. OK I studied Political Science and Religious Studies, and it LITERALLY does not matter which answer I give it always starts something. but I choose the easier one and say politics.. and hooo boy

This fucker just goes off on me, saying shit like how stupid and lazy my generation is and that we don’t work hard, are entitled and have no idea how the real world works (the usual propaganda), and if we did we would be thinking about voting for Trump in the 2016 election (mind you this was VERY early on where Trump was still considered a joke even to the republicans)

Remember I am HIGH AS Shit. I am 2000% extra aware of and feeling the aggressive and hateful energy coursing through my veins from this interaction. Now Im sure he said other things I don’t remember because all I could do is focus on my breathing as to not get manipulated into whatever space this guy was trying to create but I heard a break in his rant, looked up, smiled and said “Thanks for sharing your collection with me” and dipped for the back exit to smoke 18 cigarettes.

Here is where I am letting myself get fucking pissed off, pacing and chain smoking. Neither of the boys are answering their phones. Then I realized how badass I was just then, and proud of myseelf for spiritually blocking out a nazi (again this is before they identified as such and punching them was a thing). I was like if I can handle this asshole, I can go meet Edward James Fucking Olmos no. problem.

I march back in and go straight to his table but then I took a detour to sit in a white folding chair about 20 feet away for 25 minutes first. Eventually one of his security dudes comes up to me and is like “Are you waiting for an autograph?” and I’m like “no, but I do want to talk to him for a minute if that is possible”

The guy asks for my name and we walk up to EJO together and he goes “This is Amy. She would like to talk with you.” And now I am realizing that everyone here is trying to gauge how severe my social handicap is.. but he puts out his hand to shake

“Hi, I am Ed.” I shook his hand!!

“I’m Amy. I just had the most awful interaction with a Trump supporter here so Im a little put off. He kept telling me how stupid me and my generation are and it makes me very grateful that you are a humanist and philanthropist. I’d recently watched the UN Panel and you talked about the invention of race as a tool for genocide and it means so much to me that you would use your voice and influence on that platform to address these kinds of things...”

and I trail off cuz Im about to ramble and shit and I noticed how he was just taking everything I said very seriously, like wasn’t expecting any of that at all. HE pauses and looks back up at me and says how special that panel was to him, that he’ll never do something as important again in his life. Then he asks me where I go to school and what I study, so I tell him and he is impressed with all the creds. Asks me if I am planning on going into politics.

“Not in the public sense. I want to do policy research targeting intersections of poverty, race, and education” And I swear to god his eyes snap up so fast to meet mine, like he is in admiral mode here and I am captivated. Straight in the eyes to me he goes

“We need you. All of us needs you up there doing that, fighting for that, for us. I have a feeling we are about to enter some tough times. I can tell you are special and it takes special people to make things happen”

I said thank you but I am about to burst into tears. I mean we all know this but let me reinforce it.. Ed is such an intense human and I had all 100% of this guy in my presence, overwhelmingly so, and I am mostly shook because he literally had no obligation to say anything. This guy fucking met me 5 minutes ago but he is ready to say that, and I sense he isn’t the kind of guy to just say shit. Also I AM STILL VERY HIGH lets not forget

So I change the subject because that other stuff is getting too intense for me, and I switch over to BSG lol and I ask him about Adama’s tendency to punish himself physically when he feels he has played some role in pain or negativity coming into his loved ones’ lives. He talks particularly about Adama’s alcoholism in season 4 and how he approached it as a combo of punishment and escapism (which let me tell you is..accurate). He finishes up his answer and all of a sudden I fucking blurt out for some ungodly fucking reason

“I love you and Mary, you are so cute together, I hope to meet her too”

Mortified. I am overstepping boundaries. I am dying inside and I can’t believe I got 3 thoughts out before I stopped.

He smiles and giggles and grabs this pic to sign for me for freeee and says “I hope you will too”

Amy- all of my love to you.

Like is that something he would normally sign for someone? Is that something anyone would sign to a random fan?

Anyways he gave it to me, I said thanks and I literally ran out of the convention clutching this picture to my chest and sat down against the building and started crying of the ultimate level embarrassment I could personally possibly be on. My boys find me and laugh at me and I cried the whole way home.

I still get major embarrassment even today just thinking about this interaction, no matter how well it turned out and how much of an impact EJO had on me.

Feels good to finally share my story in its entirety!! Thanks for reading

#first full account #im serious i have psychological issues surrounding this #personal #edward james olmos #spaceparents #sjcc

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starboundbane · 7 years

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11 question meme

I try to be mysterious but I love taking about myself

Rules: Answer your set of questions and add 11 of your own

Tagged by: @butwewereanempire *winky face kiss emoji*

1. What is your fondest memory?

I’m not sure. I have some fond memories but most of them were tainted by these people later on hurting me or something bad happening. Sometimes oddly graphic fond memories come up again though, like scenes in a movie. Pineapple juice with ice cubes with a girl from Ecuador that shared my name. Finding out that the bumblebees in my grandma’s garden went into a little hole in the ground. Having Renée sleeping at my place for the first time and us baking brownies together that we also had for breakfast on toast the next day. Valentine's day this year, me alone at 7am on my balcony in the thickest sweater with a giant mug of green tea, enjoying the cold. Sitting with Laura on the windowsill of her room on the 6th floor, loudly playing fuck-marry-kill at 2am. A night walk in our pajamas through the hotel park with Asia. Sitting in this jazz café with a red haired boy that later on abandoned me.

2. What is the weirdest and/or dumbest thing you’ve done with your friends (or for them)

All my friends are terribly weird and so am I, I don’t think anything we’ve ever done was normal. Helping a friend hide the fact that he was building a blunt in the supreme court, for example. The windowsill thing was definitely up there as well, considering the fact that we let ourselves fall backward, hoping that the bed was in the right place (it was). Walking barefoot through the lake and then lying on the gravel yelling “I AM THE SAND GUARDIAN, GUARDIAN OF THE SAND”. That one time i volunteered to pierce 2 girls’ ears in our room during the class trip, while one was half naked because a 3rd girl was dying her hair. I succeeded, they’re very happy with the results.

3. Villains or heroes or anything in between?

Listennn I love me a Good Hopeful Hero that just genuinely wants to do good and help people. Fuck yall, its not boring. But the rule of thumb for me is Anti Hero. I, for one, am an anti hero, and I love anti heroes.

4. What is your biggest pet peeve in any kind of writing

When the writers don’t care enough about the audience the actually make three dimensional, complex, unique, diverse characters. When beloved characters get dragged through the mud because it's easier to write them emotionally stunted, straight, and stereotypical. Amazing and creative plotline possibilities going to waste because million dollar studios are afraid to take risks. Overgoing and tbh insulting fans. I just,,,, care a lot about character writing and I don’t fucking get why you would purposefully do the exact opposite of what your loyal audience wants you to do.

5. What is your ideal aesthetic and what is your honest one?

Ideal: Black and white, dark blue dark red, lilac. Ravenclaw & Slytherin. Books about astrophysics, arched eyebrows behind glasses. Ambition and intelligence. Knives and flowers. Snowy mornings, the sound of your boots/heels hitting the ground when you step into a room with confidence. Holding all the power and knowing it. Plants and the song “Killer queen”. Elegance and oddity. Vampires and Aliens. Smiles through bloody teeth, bold fashion choices. “Okay, so i lied”, “The darker the night the brighter the stars”. Coffee shop dates with your friends, holding a face gently between your hands. Cold eyes turning soft for the right people, dancing with flowy clothes. Studying anything and everything, walking through the streets of a beautiful big city on your own. Shameless flirting and dangerous grins, smooth criminal as your theme song (and a lot more, i have a whole folder)

Honest: Similar, but also: Cold stares and clenched jaws. Purple circles under you eyes, looking into the night sky and sighing wistfully. Sitting alone in a room full of people. Melancholia and nostalgia while aggressively rejecting sentimentality. Planning 3 years ahead. Having no place that feels like home. A not really hidden meaning behind sentences, revealing itself only to those who listen closely enough to analyze the careful choice of words. Aching to live in fiction, or in the future. Staring at people who left you when they can’t see it, wondering why you couldn’t keep them. Telling people you work better alone, when in truth you simply always had to. Bruised knuckles, a poker face with tear-shot eyes.

6. Best breakfast you ever had?

Me and my dad driving to the city to eat in this amazing breakfast restaurant and then walking around the city until noon. I just,,, love that shit.

7. Whats the book you’d like to read but hasn’t been written yet like?

I.. honestly don’t have a good answer to that yet. Maybe sometime later

8. We all have A Type. Whats yours?

Dating wise? I’m somehow into gingers. As a professional bisexual, i must say I prefer boys with light hair, and for girls, i don’t really have a preference. Outside of gender, i must say i like people who are rather the opposite of me. I like sunshines, kind people with big smiles. But i’m also into power-couples, so be my sunshine but also kick somebody’s ass with me. For fictional characters? I honestly don’t know, some characters just draw me in.

9. Out there, in some parallel universe where shit never happened, there is a better version of you - the person you’d like to be. What are they like?

Less troubled, less melancholic. Maybe not constantly abandoned. Not constantly doubting herself, always expecting people not to want her around. A better person, maybe living in the present for once, having a good life for more than 5 hours for once. But other than that I don’t like the idea of “fixing” my issues. They make me who I am. I don’t want to be fixed, i want to be helped

10. What would you get into an argument over?

Most things. I’m a very confrontational person, I let people know when i don’t agree with something, I’m honest about my opinions, and i have said opinions about pretty much everything.

11. 3 things you love when people do and 3 you absolutely hate

love: - people being genuinely happy to see me - when you and the other person care about each others interests & passions and rant and debate for hours - when somebody stands out in the crowd due to dressing with a unique sense of fashion, and stands up for what and who they believe; Just generally people who light the whole room up when they walk in

hate: - “of course we’re friends!” *proceed to not give a shit about you* - people who ditch you as soon as shit gets complicated because they can’t handle people with problems - When people can’t stand the fact that you’re doing You and living the way you want to, but are also too afraid to tell you what their problem is

My set of questions

1. One fictional character you would like to date, and why

2. Whats an opinion you’re very passionate about at this very moment

3. What do you imagine happiness to be like?

4. If you were a character stereotype used in movies/ games/ books, which one would you be

5. The aestethic of your favourite field of study

6. What personality traits make you fall in love 3 times quicker than usual

7. What would your ideal café look like?

8. What would be your ideal aesthetic and what is your HONEST one? (keeping this one bc its so good)

9. What’s the person /one of the people you wish you could’ve kept in your life like?

10. Whats a part of your personality that you don’t like to admit

11. What would your romantic relationship ideally be like?

@stevegrantrogers-buckybarnes @soft-raphael @butwewereanempire (if u wanna go again lmao) @schope-nah @an--asexual--assbutt and generally everyone who wants to do this

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steamishot · 5 years

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Asia Trip Recap

I think I write this with some heaviness in my heart because I regret picking fights with him during the trip. Note to self: don’t travel with your SO when you’re PMSing!!

A few days before the trip, we met up at Wurst to plan our itinerary. I was tired from work but decided to meet up with him anyway. Again, he arrived later than he said he would and that put me in a bad mood. When I realized he was going to be late again, I almost cancelled on him and thought “maybe our relationship would be easier if it was long distance, so we won’t have to deal with these things”. During our dinner, I was annoyed because I felt he was judging me by putting extra sauce on my sausage. He made a disgusted face at it and said it tasted bad, and kept asking me why I liked it because I normally like to eat clean. I didn’t say anything that day and had the night to review what happened. I brought it up to him over text the next day saying that I felt he was being mean. He tends to bend over backwards and admits to wrongs, but i think he started feeling like he was always wrong. He tends to think “big picture” and in this fight, he understood that we were having a fight over food and that was dumb- and that he’s sorry and won’t do it again.

On the morning of our trip, he drove over to pick me up with his mom, who was going to drive the car back from the airport. They parked outside of my house, a few houses up, and my mom and grandma saw me out. Matt and his mom waved from outside of their car and I lugged my suitcase over. I was really nervous meeting his mom again. She was a part time physical therapist at the senior center I used to work at, and I remembered speaking with her a few times. The first thing she talked to me about was Cambodia… how Cambodia and China started off at similar playing fields, but that China advanced way faster. And that she really liked Cambodia. When I saw her I gave her a smile and a “hi”, but she just went for my luggage and was like let me take that. It was like a basic Asian greeting, which I am more comfortable with. So I was standing with Matt and his mom and waving bye to my mom and grandma. As were they. And it was kinda awkward because they’ve never met or knew of each other’s existence before lol. The car ride wasn’t that bad… she asked me a few questions about living in Echo Park and stuff about our trip. Me being the way I am, I said like a sentence in response to the questions and stayed quiet otherwise. I was sitting in the backseat and heard them talking about typical Asian stuff like universities, education etc. that almost put me to sleep LOL. I understood what he told me then, that his parents are pretty serious and he doesn’t joke around/laugh with them. Whereas I’m constantly joking with my parents and never really speak seriously with them. When we arrived at the airport and said our goodbyes, she told me while pointing to Matt, “he is a crazy boy”. Later on, Matt said that it was weird how his mom was fake laughing in the car and weird how she referred to him as a “crazy boy” since she’s never done so. When we boarded the airplane, I texted my mom and he texted his that we were about to fly. His mom responded additionally with “Connie is a good girl. Treat her well.” I saw the message pop up on his apple watch and he quickly swiped it away, because I think he saw my name and wasn’t sure if it was a weird message or not. But I read it quickly before he could haha. He responded with “Ok” and it made me feel good that his mom kinda accepts me.

The plane ride with ANA was great because it’s ANA and they have exceptionally good airplane food. We also got to play sexually a little on the plane so that was fun. I got mad at him again at the airport when I felt he was questioning me too much lol so that was like another hour wasted on negative energy. When we checked into our first Airbnb, it was worse than we expected… the floors were also dirty and I felt dirty laying on the bed. After I got up from the bed, I felt itchy. We were dirty as well being on the airplane/traveling for the last 15 or so hours. We ended up having sex and then showering/changing to get ready for the night. We both weren’t happy with the accommodation so we looked into other options. We went downstairs to speak with the host person, and he agreed the place wasn’t as nice as the pictures, i.e. “I admit that the pictures are professionally taken lol” lmao. So he agreed to refund us and we agreed to pay the clean up fee. I later contacted Airbnb with photos of the dirty floor and they refunded me the rest. We ended up checking into a nice hotel like 4-5 blocks away. The taxi ride there was $10! But it was wayyy more comfortable. After that experience, I was afraid the Airbnbs I chose for Korea and Taiwan weren’t going to be as good, and thought maybe doing hotels for Asia would have been a safer choice. When I came last year with my mom, there were two instances when we had to cancel our Airbnbs and stayed at hotels as well.

That night, we asked the hotel guy for recommendations. The place he recommended for izakaya was just alright… I think he recommended only like the “touristy” restaurants where they have English menus. We walked around til close to midnight and went back to sleep, so that we would be on the new timezone. The next day, we went to the Tsukiji fish market, Asakusa temple, Shibuya, standing sushi, and Kobe beef dinner. I thought the standing sushi was really fun and interesting. The other places I’ve already been to last year, so they weren’t that big of a deal to me. Tbh, the food in LA is just as good or even better than the places we had in Japan. The last (half day) we were in Japan, we had soba at a little shop outdoors that seats like 8 people max. That was one of the highlights. We also got to see the cherry blossoms… and those were beautiful. I was reminded at the garden that I’m more of a naturey/countryside person than a city person. (I enjoy the city only for food haha). Matt’s back hurt a lot the first night. I remember getting up at 5am to give him a massage. We did some yoga and I really enjoyed taking baths and using the bidets/toilets.

Going to Busan was a struggle. I didn’t know that the train to the airport only came once every half hour (instead of every 10 min or so). We were freaking out because we thought we were going to miss the plane. Once we got to the terminal, we ran and ran lol. And we literally got to the check in like 10 minutes before the window would close. After check in was another struggle, going through security. The line was longer than we thought, but we made it! We got to the gate as people were boarding. Very close call and stressful. I was so hungry on the plane that I ended up ordering instant noodles and paying for a bottle water.

It was gloomy when we reached Busan. We waited for the airport “limousine” bus to the city. There were a lot of Hong Kong people waiting around too. I started feeling sick and hot and took my sweater off on the bus. Matt said to put my sweater back on or that I will get sick. He said it’s the stress and being in a new environment that I can’t feel that I’m cold but I really am.. so I thought that was caring of him and put my sweater back on. It was my first time being in Korea. When I saw all the taxis lined up, I was reminded of the Korean dramas I used to watch. It was like K-drama coming to life for me. We stayed near the Busan station and the location was perfect. There were restaurants and coffee shops everywhere, and it was close to the station. It took a while to find the Airbnb but we were both blown away by it once we entered. Ironically, it was the cheapest Airbnb of our trip as well. The view was fantastic and everything was new. The washing machine was nice. The fridge was built into the cabinets. The A/C and heater were all new and so technologically advanced. I remember that about Busan’s airport- how advanced it was. Even though Japan is known as the city of the future, their airport was under renovation and all their workers were old and slow. The machinery they used was also kinda outdated. Not in Busan. The best thing about the Airbnb was the heated floors. I didn’t realize they were heated until I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. The first meal we had was pork soup and rice, with sides. I really enjoyed it because it was clean and we had way too much ramen the few days before. Busan also had way less tourists than Tokyo. I felt like tourists/foreigners were everywhere we went in Tokyo. Most people knew how to speak English. In Busan, there were like no tourists around and no one spoke English. It was definitely more fun that way.

The first (and only) full day we had in Busan, I wanted to eat at a little restaurant in the train station. The food didn’t look amazing, but it was one of the few things open and the owner seemed nice and encouraged us to eat there. As we sat down, Matt said “I’d rather eat at McDonalds”, which I got angered by and started a fight by calling him judgmental. The mood was tense the first few hours, mostly on my end. And it seems our “fights” mostly revolve around him being late or something food related (wait for the last fight). I guess we learned how to work with each other. When I was living in Taiwan, and visiting Japan with my mom last year, we often just chose restaurants by random. I was down to do that this time too, but he wasn’t so much into the idea. He prefers to yelp or use Tripadvisor for the restaurants we eat at, even though he claims he “doesn’t care about food” (eyeroll). So I would get annoyed when after being on Yelp or TA for a while he still couldn’t decide on something, or when he’s looking down on his phone so much he’s missing things in action. His argument is that he wants to have a plan of action, and he wants the decision to be a good one. My argument is that you can kinda tell whether food will be good or not by looking at the menu/restaurant/food in front of you and consulting the internet isn’t always necessary.

Anyway, we went on our day as planned. The temple was okay, the beach was nice- had a Santa Monica vibe to it, but it was foggy and we couldn’t see much. The cultural district with the “slum” view was super nice. Afterwards we went to a seafood market. It was then when he realized he wasn’t as adventurous as he thought. I learned that he wasn’t as adventurous as I thought too. He really enjoys watching travel vloggers (mostly white people) so I thought he would be into trying new things/food. But sometimes I felt he was like a white guy in a Chinese guy body- minus Chinese food, he can eat that. We went into the Jalgachi market and ran into a Chinese store owner. “I’m Chinese, not Korean. I’ll give you some extra free seafood for being Chinese” he told us. So we walked around and checked out the other stalls and came back to the Chinese guy. I got to try live octopus for the first time! Years ago, I was keen on trying it in Koreatown but for some reason couldn’t find a place and gave up. I also read that there were some deaths related to eating this because the tentacles may suck on the inside of your throat, but I don’t know how true that is. It was just as I imagined it tasting. I think it’s just the novelty that is fun. It was really nice going back to the Airbnb and sleeping next to such a nice view in a nice apartment.

Learning from our previous hurdle, we got to the airport early this time. However, we faced another hurdle… I think because Korean technology is too good. They stopped my luggage because I had about 40-50 face masks and it was required that I have them in a zip lock bag. The lady was nice enough to bring two out, but I was sad when I saw that there were about 15-20 that couldn’t fit and that were would have to throw them away if I didn’t check in my luggage. Most of the face masks, I had bought from Japan to give to my mom as she requested. The others, I had bought from a Korean store thinking it was special (later on finding out that they sell them here at target!!!) I couldn’t decide on the spot, but I looked sad that I had to throw them away. Matt went ahead and checked them in for a fat fee of $50 and regretted it immediately. When we were figuring out what to do, he said it’ll cost $50 to check in. When I asked him are you sure? He said he wasn’t sure so in my head I thought maybe it’s only $25. But internally he was sure. He felt bad about that, and I venmo’d him the money immediately because it was all my stuff. We both felt bad about it. At least we got to check out a few cool lounges at the airport.

At the Taipei airport, I learned about mainland Chinese people. They do not leave gaps when waiting in lines because people will cut. That is something Matt is cognizant about. They have a different understanding of personal space and will get up all in your business. I was annoyed by them and understand what people mean when they say Chinese people are rude… but it helped me understand where Matt is coming from sometimes. They’re just blunt and to the point and it is normal for them to speak that way. Maybe I’m the more Americanized one? At our last airport stop from Taipei to Shenzhen… I got cut twice in line at the restroom because I was the only person waiting in line. Anyone coming in will go in front of me and wait right in front of the stall that has the person coming out. Culture shock: you snooze you lose.

On our train ride to the city, we were looking up things to eat, and I said something like I want to eat! And he said “again??” and I got upset at that. When we got to the Airbnb, he ate some pastry we bought but didn’t have the capacity to eat. I thought, “why are you eating a pastry when we could be eating local food. What are you doing in Asia, people come here to eat”. He also commented on the Airbnb saying, it always looks nicer in the photos- which is a valid point because I did agree it wasn’t the best, but it made me feel bad at the time. I accused him of “not letting me eat” because we ate lounge food, or pastries instead of eating local food. I guess I was just being pissy and moody and extra sensitive. We went to Taipei 101 and he had Starbucks reserve for the first time. We went to the top of the tower and got to experience the observatory. For dinner, we went to eat at a fancy hot pot place I ate at with my friends back when I studied abroad there. I didn’t expect it to be so expensive, but the bill came out to be $120. A little into the meal, he said something along the lines of “I think you don’t know what you like to eat either” and that I only chose this restaurant because my foodie friend influenced me to. I got defensive because I felt like he wasn’t listening to anything I was saying – it was true that my foodie friend reminded me of this place and that I do value his opinions, but to imply that I only wanted to come here because my friend told me to angered me. I wanted to go back to a nice place that I’ve been to 5 years before. Had I known dinner would have cost that much, I wouldn’t have gone. Anyway, we argued through dinner and I couldn’t enjoy my meal as much. We were the last ones at the restaurant and I paid for the meal because I wanted to take responsibility for the cost. We went to the nearby night market after that. Whatever we were arguing about, he wanted to look at my text messages as proof of something, but once he saw my texts, he realized he was wrong. He was annoyed at himself the rest of the night and wasn’t in a good mood. Fighting with him felt different than fighting with David. Because even though we were arguing, I felt like we were still together and that he wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t emotionally shut down to the point where he would ignore me or walk away. Even though we were both in a bad mood, we still stuck close (maybe because we were in a foreign land), and I still felt secure in us. We went back to the Airbnb, where he worked on some applications for residency. It was like he couldn’t concentrate… it was the first time I saw him when he needed time alone/to himself. I left him alone, and then cuddled him later in bed.

The next morning, he was acting lovey and cuddly, more so than usual. He said it was his way of saying sorry. I had more to say… and he said guys can’t win with females, because they have ammo from way back when lol. But anyway, I asked for a full apology and it was fine after that. We started our day kinda late, but it was okay because we were both already really exhausted from traveling/walking everywhere and could use the rest. We went to eat Chun Shui Tang for breakfast, which was a highlight of the trip too. Chun Shui Tang supposedly “invented” boba, but I just recently learned of it. We had beef noodle soup and fried chicken, and jasmine tea with pearl. Everything was amazing. Afterwards, we went to Yangmingshan, the national park. The first stop was really nice and pretty. We had an impromptu picnic. The second stop- the main one with the cattle and grasslands—was filled with fog, so we couldn’t see anything. After that, we went to the same night market as the night before and had a better experience. It was a holiday of some sort so there was a parade and firecrackers. We also saw gogo dancers on moving cars. The dan dan mian we had was also excellent. We waited in a semi line for this sausage rice thing at a stall which a “michellin star guide”. It was my first time having it so it was interesting- good to try but wouldn’t get again. We went back home after and considered going clubbing, but was like nah- since neither of us had clubbing appropriate shoes. We went to eat xiaolongbao instead. In hindsight, I probably focused too much on food, and we should have racked up the energy to do some nightlife lol.

Our last day, we woke up kinda late, because I felt like my period was gonna come soon and therefore I was extra tired. We got ready to check out and left our luggages at Taipei main station, where we would have to go for the airport. Right below our Airbnb is a dance studio (ballet). They had pictures of all the girls in the class on the wall, and they had one special ed/down syndrome class. Matt described it as “little girls under us” which I thought was funny and made fun of him for. When we were leaving, there was a girl with down syndrome waiting there, so that was nice to see. Very independent. Memory in Tokyo: a little girl (~5 years old) standing next to Matt on the bus, and yelling out: hey stop the bus! It’s my stop! Also another memory from Taipei going to Yangmingshan: a lady yells at the bus driver saying why didn’t he stop the bus when she pressed the button 3 stops ago! (why she didn’t voice anything until after 3 stops later, don’t ask me). We went back to Willbeck coffee shop which had this really good sesame coffee latte (something I’ll miss). Then we went to this niuroumian place in an alleyway we saw that had a long queue. We waited in line and then were guided to sit down in front of another Asian American couple. We shared a table with them and sat directly in front of them. “this is intimate,” Matt said. The girl was like where are you guys from? To start conversation. Later we found out that they are both starting residencies too- basically I had lunch with 3 doctors lol. Matt was really good at talking to them and made them laugh, and I would just say something here and there but keep quiet the rest of the time. After they left, it was interesting to hear what he said about our interaction. We both forgot their names. He said the guy is good at bringing up a topic and the girl talks about it and finishes it. He said I mainly looked down and said something every 5 minutes lol. He said I was mostly focused on the food and the others were more half and half. But he admitted that he didn’t know what he ate afterwards. That was something I used to tell him when we first started dating, to stop talking while eating so he can taste the food.

So to the airport we went. Last stop Shenzhen for a layover before heading back to LA. When we got to the check in point, the guy nonchalantly told me: you have two problems. 1. The flight is going to be delayed so you will most likely miss your connecting flight. 2. You don’t have a Chinese visa so you might not be able to leave China. And Matt was like uhh those are pretty big problems no? So I was freaking out a little. Matt told me to relax, and that it’s coming from him (I’m usually the more relaxed one). Matt had a flight to Kunming from Shenzhen the next morning at 7am, so I thought if I missed my flight, at least we would be able to spend the night together.

So we stayed at the Taipei airport lounging for a few hours. The niuroumian they had there was actually really great. Walking into the lounge, it was like walking into a restaurant. That’s Taipei for you. Matt stuffed himself per usual and I ate a little bit. I ended up drinking like 4 glasses of red wine because I was stressed out about the flight situation. I was already pissed at Chinese people for them cutting me in line and being “rude” (culture shock), and horror stories from friends about going through China’s airport didn’t help. Matt took the subject seriously too, and told me to try to find nice looking customs people to talk to. He kept saying how Chinese people fear the government. But he also told me to relax. Drinking while watching music videos was fun. I was a little tipsy going on the flight. When we boarded the airplane, Matt noted how the airplane is part of the Boeing 737 Max line that crashed. I was like what the fuck. What else can go wrong. The flight was like 95% Chinese people with like 2 white people. We later found out that the pilot was also white (when he made the announcements). We were both like, thank goodness there are white people on this plane. I felt more safe.

Contrary to my expectations of it going to be a bad/scary experience, the Chinese people were actually really friendly and helpful. As our group of plane people entered the airport, there were two girls who shouted “who’s going to Kunming tomorrow morning?” so they had a plan of action for Matt already, who they were going to hook up with a hotel for the night. They also knew about me who had a connecting flight. They helped me get a temporary visa and I went through the airport no problem. They told me to hurry up and check in upstairs and said Matt can retrieve my luggage and bring it up to me later.

Takeaways from the trip:

He mentioned how I do stuff he doesn’t like either but he just lets it go and doesn’t point them out. Whereas I’m nitpicky and point out the stuff I don’t like. He then feels that he’s always in the wrong/can’t do anything right. I think this was a problem in my past relationship too- my perfectionism. One thing he said that stood out was that I hold him to a really high standard. And it’s true. He says I respect my friends more than I do him. That if my friends act a certain way, I can always justify it and I’ll be on their side. But I have trouble doing that for him. Which is another thing I think is true in relationships too. Because I don’t see my friends as often, or their lifestyle/decisions don’t affect mine as much, I can easily be more supportive. I can let things go more easily because we aren’t as very intimate. That’s something I will work on doing.

And our pride- we both want to be right, but in reality, we are both right to an extent. Towards the end of the trip, I realized that what he says is right too, and it seemed he realized what I mean as well. We are both stubborn and forget to be kind over being right.

Anyway, this trip was stressful, the way it was planned wasn’t the best. We only had one full day in each city and maybe at least 30% of the trip itself was traveling/going to and from airports. That put pressure on that one full day being going well. Since I’ve been to Tokyo and Taipei before, I didn’t experience that many new things, so I do want to go somewhere new next time. And that was also my bad, because I wasn’t as open minded to the other countries and I thought it would be nice to be with him to experience his “first” in Asia (outside of China).

They say traveling with someone is like getting a taste of what it’s like being married to them. Even though we got on each other’s nerves and traveling was a struggle at times, we’re still there for each other at the end of the day. I hope, at least. Saying bye to him in China was sad, as he is staying in Asia for an additional 11 days while I’m back in LA. It was hard going from sleeping together for 6 nights straight to not, especially when struggling with jetlag- you just want some love. LDR is definitely harder when your SO is halfway around the world, and there are only a few hours in a day when your times match up. It’ll be hard saying bye to him when he leaves for NY. Maybe I’m needy, but it already sucks not being able to talk to him normally for 3 days now.

Before our trip ended, he kept saying “our trip is ending soon…” and he is planning out the remaining weekends he has with me. He wanted to do Seattle the weekend he gets back, but I said it was too rushed and that he will be jetlagged. So it made me sad that after he leaves for NY, our relationship will never be the same. Because I’m certain his workload will be very hectic and it will remain hectic for at least 3+ years. And that made me realize I really don’t treat him with the same respect as I did when we first started going out. That I’m becoming “comfortable” with him/taking him for granted. So I’ll just be mindful of that in the future. To remind myself to think big picture instead of narrowing down on details.

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