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sedna-integration · 5 years

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Thanks to a certain someone on discord indulging me with my dumb childhood stories and other inane bs I remembered something. But first some context:

From Aug of 05 to Dec of 06 I lived in Texas due to Hurricane Katrina. I swapped schools my first year there due to moving away from the relatives that hosted us. After I swapped schools I also ended up swapping classes when they finally checked my IEP over a month later because the way they handled “gifted” students was to have them all in one particular class and get pulled out for the “gifted” class 1 or 2 days a week for the entirety of the day(s). (I can’t remember if it was 1 or 2 days. I have gifted in quotes because the name of these programs have changed since and I am not sure what they are called now.) Anyway, the specific story I told them, albeit more detailed, is: There was this tall(er than me) meganekko busty blonde girl who always had on a somewhat loose grey pullover in my class. We went to different classrooms for each period and had preset seating in each one (it wasn’t alphabetical) but almost all of them we sat next to each-other. Our class had this mandated reading-class-thing where we’d go into the library for a class period, do some group reading+discussion, and then some of those online computer activities (you know the ones) or other reading-based work. Iirc it was because Blue Bonnet reading was/is a big thing there. I can’t recall how many times a week this was or if it was an every day thing either so sorry about that. At some point we had to partner up with someone for whatever the lesson plan was and this lasted for quite some time. I dunno why but she chose me by latching on to my left arm sorta like this but she held me way too close & my head was breast level LOL.

I was so confused at the time but I’m one of those emotionless looking dudes so I’d like to assume she couldn’t tell but she was pretty damn perceptive. I didn’t know what the hell she grabbed me for initially or why she was smashing the side of my head into her chest & her followup didn’t help at all. She’d taken my hand & swung our arms back and forth while skipping in this comical saturday-morning-cartoon way before pushing my arm away and pouting in an equally comical way so I gave up trying to figure out what her angle was. Ofc immediately after this the teacher comes over & brings us back to reality with the pair work. From that point onward we talked a whole lot more and I ended up looking forward to her shenanigans every week. Though I actively put some space between us at times (hopefully not enough to be noticeable) b/c people treated me poorly and I didn’t want her caught up in that. To elaborate on the why of that last bit and set up for what I remembered and why it matters I need to give a bit of a rundown on myself as well. I have almost always been alone socially and otherwise. I’m not close to my family in any regard. I’d consistently been picked on a lot & I’d always been relatively quiet even before I began to avoid speaking in general down the line. My scoring within the top 5% of my class (esp while being black), being an introvert in the early 2000, caring about art, the way I spoke/words I used, and not having interest in sports (again esp while black) led to people condemning me for 1 or more of those things so I started to keep my mouth closed about what little I was interested in as early as age 5. Unfortunately this also led to bullying as well due to people taking my silence & lack of contribution to discussion as me looking down on them. Part of it was that I also didn’t know a lot about sports (a very common topic) & oftentimes I wasn’t allowed to watch many of the shows my classmates did and thus had nothing to say or contribute. Being black meant either I couldn’t be intelligent or that if I was/spoke with anything beyond rudimentary vocabulary I was some kind of race traitor. I couldn’t offer to help anyone with work they were having trouble with w/o being accused of belittling them either. Most people I came across had no clue what introversion was adults included. I only found out when I was 6 or so because I was forced to find a way to prove I wasn’t some “fucked up abnormality”. I was/am also very physically capable sports-wise and combat-wise despite my lack of interest in the former and my abhorring the latter. The former invited ire due to the whole “nerds aren’t supposed to be good at school and sports” thing. While the latter gave me a reprieve if I ever went there it only lasted until they realized if they pushed me only the “right amount” I’d never fight. The reason any of this matters is I am very careful about who I let get close to me physically & emotionally. I wanted to give credence as to why I am how I am as well as putting that on display. I really really REALLY dislike being touched by those I am not familiar with on a personal level. People I have been acquainted with for years still have to be careful about casually hugging me b/c I’ll reflexively respond with elbow jabs and the like. Back then my intuition was already at the point it’d give me a relatively accurate read of who was and wasn’t “safe”. So despite all of that + my misgivings about people in general I was fine with everything she did. There were a couple instances where she hugged me from the front or behind like so and would just sit her head on mine and I didn’t do anything to stop her. I didn’t want to.

She never forcefully invaded my personal space. Even though the first time was spontaneous it wasn’t forceful in execution. Easing her way into my personal space the way she did to do what she did is the reason I realized I am actually a physically affectionate person. I’d never been exposed to it within my family or among what few friends I had until that point aside from those shitty face value ones aunts and uncles would try that I’d avoid partaking in. This along with my isolation (intentional or otherwise) makes it something difficult for me to approach even now. Many of the minute details above were omitted w/ the discord friend due to my inability to recall them. That convo helped me remember all of the above and more. The girl’s name, how she treated me, how her treatment of me affected others, how important she was to me and why. Shelby was the first person at that school to treat me like another person rather than a tool or some kind of abnormality whom needed to be fixed. She was the first reason I began looking forward to going to a school I hated being at. She helped me understand myself a little better likely w/o ever intending to. Regardless of intent she facilitated a situation where I was seen by some as just another dude.

It’s crazy that I couldn’t recall so much w/o her name because I never forgot what she looked like despite that seeming like the easier thing to do. Until now whenever I sat down to try to remember her name I failed to yet here it just came out of the blue when I was done reminiscing. Her name popping into my mind with the familiar image of her beaming as she oft would followed by all these little details is too ethereal. Feels like I’ll forget again if I don’t record this somewhere.

I’m elated and grateful both to that friend for humoring me and to Shelby for being the goofy jester she had been even before I came to realize it. There are too many small innocuous things that happened with/due to her back then I wish I’d never forgotten about. Maybe it’s my lack of connections to others at play but small things meant and still do mean so much more to me than any large/grand gestures do. It makes it all the more disconcerting that all this was neatly locked away somewhere when I can remember the day my sister was born better than my mom can. One thing that has me kinda fucked up is remembering being excited to go to the same middle school as her. I didn’t bother trying to get to know her better because the same day I had that thought I learned I’d be moving away. So much came back to me now I’m happy & frustrated. I never told her how grateful I was back then. I tried to on my last day there but I ended up almost crying every time so I gave up. I never hugged her back or told her I appreciated her either. From her perspective it may not even be that big a deal but it is to me. This is also the type of guy I am. The minute things that we often take for granted are the most important things to me so I want the people that stay with me to know that I appreciate those things. Even if those decisions you make and actions you take aren’t something you spend a lot of time or effort on the fact that they are made with consideration for me is very much appreciated and I want these people to know that. I wanted her to know that. It took me too long to be able to be able voice these things despite my blunt brazen approach to near everything. Now I have a poignant desire to tell her precisely how much I appreciated her. Knowing I likely will never get the opportunity is very frustrating. Yet I stupidly hope I will come across her again. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll see that smile again in person. Both images are I googled tall girl + word + anime and just so happend to get those two as the results that fit and both are from doujns so beware. 1. Tall+Short by Kitakawa Touta 2. Doki Doki Body Wall by Makinosaka Shinichi Edit: Cleaned this up a bit and added some detail. As an addendum: 1. This was 13y ago so I was 11 in the 5th grade. Idk why but she and 2 other girls in our grade were built like idealized 17 y/o’s which was actually part of why Shelby wore the pullover. 2. I’m not pining for her or anything. I couldn’t tell you if I was into her or if she was into me the way kids tend to be back then and really it doesn’t matter if it was or wasn’t the case. 3. For the above: I have only wanted to have a small number of close friends to spend my time with since early on in HS. Having my own family was something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember but I don’t think it’s good for me specifically to explicitly pursue romance so I don’t and didn’t. I don’t want to go looking for love, platonic or otherwise, in all the wrong places. I’ve seen how that goes too many times lol. A natural progression is more my speed anyway.

#me #text

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