#passive suicidality. and it’s scary and tough to deal with especially under these conditions he’s under and it’s like

[zeb-z]

“Even if it’s not my fault, it’s still my accident, it’s still my mess. It’s still something that - exists, because I do” oh. and he just doesn’t know another way to help, either, because all his life has been screwing up without helpful direction in order to meet impossible standards, and so there is no other way than to bleed himself dry. for the cause, for a friend in need, for anyone he doesn’t know. especially for the problems that he himself creates, because to him his pure existence has always been the problem, because the elders were fucked as hell and traumatized him to no end - so even causing problems is a sin. a single mistake is a sin. it always has been. and it’s rough trying to learn anything other than that mindset - but Jay and Chip won’t let him struggle alone.

and it’s like - that’s what comes with being raised the way he was. punished for imperfection, but there’s no guidebook, no definition of perfect. and so perfect is never good enough anyway. it’s a trap and there is no winning, so there’s nothing else to do but take the blame and bear it, and internalize it. and it makes actual failure and actual mistakes that much more painful. of course responsibility needs to be taken for your actions - but when you’ve been taking responsibility for everything, up to and including the literal fate of the world, all of your life, every outcome is your fault. and guilt only builds, and resentment only festers. of course he hates the elders for how they treated him. of course he hates himself.

he’s grabbing his own destiny and making his own choices - but the thing about making your own choices is that there are so many of them. there’s no destiny to blame anymore. and all you can do is the best you can. and it’s not always going to be good enough. he’s learned plenty about failure, but with Jay and Chip around, maybe he’ll learn about second chances, and self forgiveness. maybe he’ll learn that accidents aren’t always met with extremes. and that he’s not the only one left to deal with a mess if he slips up and breaks something.

#after their talk and their big spar part 2 and everything I’m choosing to hope for the up and up #I just. I dunno. again. y’all ever think about how he never lays on hands to heal himself? because I do #I’m calling it what it is tw for the tags here but #passive suicidality. and it’s scary and tough to deal with especially under these conditions he’s under and it’s like #he’s someone who can be seen as bigger than life almost a moral role model. a hero of sorts. and still he thinks he’ll never be good enough #abuse will do that to a mf #but like. idk jay shot him and he forgave her. and chip can be a downright bastard and he still cares for him. as much as his own #morals and nature have rubbed off on the other captains they’ve also rubbed off on him. I mean sarcasm? pranks? #chip is valuing others more and more. and so maybe gillion will value himself more and more. yknow? #after every mistake he’s made and the others have made they’re still crew. family. and ain’t that somethin? #I dunno. taking responsibility isn’t just bleeding yourself out as retribution. there has to be a balance. and for gillion (and chip tbh) #that’s difficult. and something I am hoping they will continue improving on #idk. I have many thoughts without full articulation I’m just kinda spinning them all in my brain yknow #jrwi riptide 86 #jrwi #jrwi riptide #gillion tidestrider #character analysis #z speaks