#ps i'm not trying to romanticize alcoholism

[maria-sultada]

This will be my last letter for you, love.

For weeks, I have been doing everything to ignore the ragged beating of my heart whenever you are around. I tried to drown it with countless bottles of alcohol and erase it with the nicotine-filled smoke of my cigarettes. I hate that feeling. It’s shameful, forbidden. Almost illegal.

But tonight, I will pour every ounce of emotion that I have been trying to deny. Maybe this is the only way for me to forget, to let go.

Love, I think I started liking you in the very first seconds we met. My name waltzed out of your lips with such tenderness that made my mind go blank. I could still remember how you repeated it twice as if you were desperately trying to inscribe who I am to your memory.

Before the day I met you, I have always loved the color of gold. It made me think of happiness, wealth and battles won. But with the gold band around your ring finger, all I could ever remember is the excruciating pain of loss and regret.

So yes, I know where I stand from the very beginning. I know the lines I shouldn't cross and the people I shouldn't love.

But sometimes, magical places can challenge a person’s strongest convictions. And when you brought me to the ocean, the walls that I’ve built over the years with shame, anger and pain feebly crumbled to the ground.

Maybe it was your warm smile, sweet gestures and caring nature that sent my heart into a helpless surrender. Maybe it was the brightness of the sun or the gentle waves of the sea that made us sit a little too close to each other, too close that I unwillingly got lost in your distractingly beautiful orbs.

It's amazing how you can personify the richness of the world. Your brown eyes can remind me of mountains while your presence can feel like a flowing sea - raging but serene. Unfortunately, at the center of your sinful mix of peace and violence lies my heart, silently breaking and longing for you.

But love, I just want to make this clear: you should not feel responsible for my feelings.

It was me who romanticized your simple stares and acts of kindness. It was me who always fell into the traps of unavailable men like you.

I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you did something wrong. I apologize if I gave you the coldest version of myself immediately after we landed from the plane ride, without any warning nor explanation.

I hope you understand that every time I chose not to respond to your smile or to your “good mornings”, my heart was breaking into a million pieces. But I must be firm and unshaken, because for me to protect you, your family and our jobs, I must first learn to protect myself.

Right now, I still don’t know the meaning behind your stares. Whether you see me as an attractive woman or just a mere object of your curiosity. Either way, it would be better for me not to know. And as I reach the end of this letter, I hope that this will also be the end of all the questions, the longing, the expectations, the curiosity and the love that I have for you.

Goodbye, love.

Thank you for the poetry and the memories.

PS: Journalists - like the two of us - are often required to write about topics of value and importance, so forgive me if I chose to write about you tonight.

Written on April 3, 2022; 2:57AM

#forbidden love #spilled thoughts #english #personal essay #love letters #writers and poets #romantic