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foronceididntlookback · 6 months

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THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN OF ULTIMATE DESTINY

written for the @favcharacterpoll , kipps vs. kermit round.

(co written by @krash-and-co because I can't write fight scenes, so thanks krash <3)

here's the fic on ao3

From the dark of the night outside, Kipps knew there was no way he would be seen.

The night was dark, his footsteps silent, bag heavy with the weight of chains, duct tape and rope. Lucy and Tony had offered to come with him, but he knew this must be done alone. As he stepped up to the front door, he tested the handle only to see that it was unlocked.

He was expected, then.

He heard nothing from inside the house, saw no lights on, nor any other indicator that there was someone home, but he knew better.

Goggles in place over his eyes, he crept inside, careful to keep his rapier from bashing against the doorframe or the walls of the entry hall. He walked down the dark hall until he saw a thin ray of light coming from a door that had been left ajar.

Quill stepped closer to the door, stopping just outside the room, but before he could lay a hand on the dark-painted wood, it creaked open on tarnished hinges, revealing a thin figure sitting behind a warn dark wooden desk.

“So,” Kermit the Frog started, in that high creaky voice. “You're the loser who thinks he could take me down. What makes you think that a nobody like you, Quilliam Kipps, could defeat someone like me, beloved by all old and young, older than time itself?”

“Oh, you know, maybe the fact that I'm 3 feet taller than you and have a sword.” Kipps replied smoothly, not at all terrified of this glorified sock puppet. He reached behind his back, finding and door handle and locking it.

It was now or never.

Kipps strode towards Kermit, dropping his bag to the floor, he rolled his shoulders to release the tension built up and slowly drew his rapier from its sheath.

"Ooh, little guy thinks he's tough, huh?" Kermit taunted.

He stood up in his chair. The shadows on his face made him look eyeless, one smiling, huge, gaping mouth.

Never mind that. Kipps was surely stronger. He had real arms.

"I think I'm gonna kick your non-existent arse--" Kipps took a step forward-- "all the way up to your mouth hole."

Kermit chuckled. "It's nice to have dreams, Quill."

And whatever Kermit said next was lost to Kipps, for at that second the puppet launched himself directly in Kipps' face.

Before anything else was heard, there was the sound of the clang of metal hitting the floor.

His only defense.

Kipps scrambled to free himself. The puppet clung harder. Kipps felt himself hit a desk, a wall, something unidentifiable; he grasped desperately at empty air to find something to hold on to.

He was going to fall.

"We're making such a connection!" said Kermit, voice strained.

"Mhh-mhhh-mrrff!!" said Kipps. He clawed at the muppet clung to his face like a barnacle. "Fight fair!" he managed to get out.

"Oh, Quill." Kermit did not loosen his grip. "You don't fight fair."

"What would Miss Piggy say?" Kipps yelped, shaking his face like a wet dog.

'"Get his ass, mon chéri!"' Kermit made direct eye contact with Kipps while saying this, which was not only oddly unsettling but distracting enough to send both of them sprawling to the floor.

Coincidentally, right next to Kipps' rapier.

He groped at his side, felt the familiar charms and gems.

Held it tight for dear life.

"Hey, uh, what are you doing?" asked Kermit.

"Animal control," Kipps replied snarkily.

Kipps flung his rapier in the air.

It arched beautifully, although barely seen in the dark room. Yet Kermit's eyes widened.

With a soft poke, it's metal tip punctured his back.

"Oh, agony!" Kermit wailed, leaping from Kipps. "Agony, suffering, death! Oh, oh, oh--"

He suddenly froze and gave Kipps a look. He removed the sword from his body.

"I'm full of fucking stuffing, dipshit."

Kipps gave a battle cry and lunged for the frog. He grabbed him by the arms and shook him.

"If we promise to end this now," he panted, "I won't kill you like I want. If not..." Kipps mimicked cutting his throat in the typical gesture for 'I'm going to murder you.' "And I mean that literally."

"Hey, hey, we aren't animals here!" Kermit stammered frantically. "We didn't agree to--"

Kipps slammed him against the wall. "YES OR NO?" he shouted.

Kermit wavered for a second, and Kipps took this opportunity to pull Kermit from the wall grabbing a tighter hold on Kermit, and he dragged him toward his bag.

Kipps threw Kermit to the ground, pinning him down under his knee. He unzipped his bag grabbing out the rope and duct tape, and within seconds, Kermit had his mouth taped shut and his limbs tied together.

Kipps shoved Kermit into the bag and was walking back out the door before Kermit could even start screaming again.

Maybe he should have bacon and eggs for breakfast.

#shut it salem #quill kipps #kipps vs kermit #quill kipps sweep #kipps #save lockwood and co #lockwood & co #kermit the frog #the muppets #salem writes

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favcharacterpoll · 7 months

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ROUND 6 MATCH 5: DOKJA VS QUILL

Kim Dokja from Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint faces Quill Kipps from the Lockwood & Co. books. Who do you like more?

Dokja Propaganda:

"hes just everything to me. you dont understand. i type out orv characters so much that my phone will autocorrect 'just' to 'hsy' and 'okay' to 'kdj'"

"vote kim dokja he lives in my brain rent free top floor penthouse suite 24/7 room service etc"

"HES JESUS FOR THE MENTALLY ILL"

"kdj sweep hes my savior hes ruined my life hes my favorite"

"dojka is a whore. vote for his scheming gay ass"

"he's literally a father figure to these kids AND he has this homoerotic rivalry"

Quill Propaganda:

"He's such a loser. Has beef with 3 16 year olds. He's like 4'10. Had one of the best character arcs ever. He almost died. His sword is bejeweled."

"guys vote for my son quilliam and his stupid little bedazzled sword"

"you wanna punch his face in in the first book and by the end you're sobbing buckets and loving and protecting him as if he were your own and my closing argument: it would be really really fucking funny"

"VOTE QUILL HE HAS FUNNY GOGGLES AND IS BEEFING WITH A TEENAGER BECAUSE THAT TEENAGER STABBED HIM IN THE ASS DURING A FENCING COMPETITION WHEN HE WAS LIKE 11 AND QUILL NEVER GOT OVER IT"

#polls #orv kim dokja #dokja kim #kim dokja #dokja #orv kdj #kdj #orv #omniscient reader's viewpoint #quill kipps #lockwood & co #lockwood and co

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