#should i explain my Extremely Complicated Relationship with the Cello here? no i wont. but it does involve being yelled and scoffed at to

[szappan]

feels like ive let all my opportunities slip away but i would so love to end up in an orchestra

#like an actual good orchestra. having that as a job. imagine me working in madách theatre even #god that would be good. unfortunately i have an extremely complicated relationship with the cello so i dont practice nearly enough for that #but like. i could get back into it. im gonna moot the idea tomorrow and hope not to get yelled/scoffed at #should i explain my Extremely Complicated Relationship with the Cello here? no i wont. but it does involve being yelled and scoffed at to #some extent #anyway any conductors here? hire me i promise ill be an asset to the team dont you sir #my post #it's like im good at it i Was good at it i never was good at it i wont ever be as good at it as someone whos been doing it for as long as i #have should be and its like i like it i love it i hate it im bored of it i dont want to perform those fifteen minutes i spend performing #after perfecting what im playing for months are like shots of glory and pride and its like i spend more years with the cello than without #and i cant stop now because i still like it but its hard because i have no motivation and i dont practice and i only practiced because my #mum was forceful about it and i started pushing back a few years ago bc i wanted her to make an effort about me but like metaphorically ve #cause i knew she wasnt stable enough to do so literally but instead she let me go and do it on my own when i still wanted her to yell and #scoff at me about it because at least that showed she cared and i also miss the quartet but also the quartet man is the only person i #genuinely strongly dislike and i dont know enough people to join another one and i miss playing music with other people but im never needed #anyway. im quite hurt about it still but if i ever tell my mum i wanted her to push me she would just get offended so #ik i said i wouldnt get into it but apparently i lied ok bye guys #if i bring this up shell just say im too lazy and i need to practice more and cant go to an okj or whatever the fuck anymore anyway or what #and also the double bass! my mum told me not to start it but she did it in such an annoying way that i did anyway and like i wasnt instantl #good at it and its too heavy and my hand hurts because of it and i hate online music classes and im wary of my teacher and it's not how i #wanted it to be but i have to reap what ive sown #and pretend that it's what i wanted because i cant let her be all smug and i-told-you-so but i want to give it up already #anyway shes going to therapy now so maybe ill be able to talk to her about this sometime. like 5 years ago she became very depressed and #kinda left me and my brother to fend for ourselves but like i dont want to put it this way because depression is fucking hard and she was #alone and this sounds extremely petty and entitled and shit but. im gonna shut up now.