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the-vinedresser · 6 years

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YA GIRL FINISHED HER FIRST SEMESTER OF SENIOR YEAR WOOOO 1. Kind of barely made it out alive, but in the end I’m honestly really proud of myself. I studied really hard for my last final and was actually able to concentrate and curb anxiety and it was amazing.

2. My friend is so funny. After our midterm we were both so happy because it was so easy and he was like, “Well, Megan, it was nice taking this class with you…” LOL and proceeded to give me a bro hug HAHA you know, the one where you high five with one hand and half hug with the other. So funny so adorable I loved it. His consistent presence just simply helped me get over whatever hump I was going through, even if it was super fleeting and temporary, those moments of happiness and silliness were still real and I appreciate it a lot.

3. After I worked on the American Constitution final with a couple friends and man oh man. That had to be the worst final I’ve ever taken. The amount of work was just EXCRUCIATING. Holy. We worked on it for the full limited time which was 5 and a half hours. No breaks. No food. We were so frustrated but we all eventually pooled answers and ran to the library to print them out and hand them in.

4. Got some food with E and it was pretty nice because I love to listen and she loves to talk so it was a good match. HAHA Also nice to talk to someone who is majoring in the same liberal arts subject as you. We got to talk about books and work and all of that.

5. On my way home I got some citron soju. I really wanted Jack Daniels honey whiskey because a friend bought it one time freshman year and it was amazing but the guy said it was $27 so NOPE. Did I drink it by myself? Yes. Did I post it on social media and delete it? Yes. Because people will always think of it as sad, but I just love alcohol ok. LOL I just like unwinding and chilling while watching cooking shows and playing animal crossing on my phone.

6. But lately, I’ve been thinking of experimenting and partaking in a fully sober month. No cigarettes or alcohol. Just to see if it makes my mind sharper and my overall mood better.

7. Took the train home. Bro picked me up. Conversation is awkward as always. I used to think it was because we’re so different, but maybe it’s because we’re so alike that there’s a disconnect. We’re both especially secretive when it comes to our deep thoughts and struggles and we both feel quite intensely. We’re both just kind of intense in general. LOL So when we don’t have that light and vulnerable person to warm us up, like our other brother, it’s just kind of like AHH who initiates what first. And what I also noticed is that we love strangers. We love interacting with them and giving them respect and being open to them right off the bat. But with that, we sometimes don’t cultivate the deepest relationships.

8. That being said, I actually left my cellphone at the train station bench. My mom tracked the phone and it said it was at a McDonalds in Carmel, New York. My mom and my brother started freaking out, convinced that someone stole it and the person who stole it is a no-lifer who works at McDonalds. Eventually they called my bro’s number after we texted my phone and we went to pick it up. But ok firstly, when my brother was driving us home from the train station there was a massive accident and we were stuck in traffic for a really long time. Then, after we get home and he finds out my phone was potentially stolen, he starts calling my phone like crazy AND THEN starts calling the McDonalds at least 5 times. So then he drives me to the McDonalds to pick it up and everything and literally expects no recognition. I say thank you and he doesn’t even respond. He just goes back to normal like nothing happened and honestly we might not have the most invigorating conversations but his acts of kindness and care that he puts into my well-being is more than enough.

9. Oh so yesterday after I drank soju I listened to music and smoked and it was 2am but almost 40 percent of the lights were still on in other apartments and I felt so comforted by that because almost every roommate I’ve had sleeps at midnight the latest. I’m just like THANK YOU I’m not crazy after all. Nighttime is the best time. In the daytime I’m literally in a state of disgust because the streets are so congested and people are hella stressed and impatient. It’s also just too bright and it hurts my eyes. Anyways, the sound of silence was a first that night and all I heard was the wind. The fresh air and being surrounded by plants is so nice.

10. But I’m glad I’m moving out of Stuytown. LOL because it makes me kind of hayfeverish. Like all the buildings and rooms are the exact same, all you see are older rich people with their annoying ass kids (some are cute but most are argh) and I just don’t feel at peace with it for some other arbitrary reasons. I like the rustic feel and the uniqueness of an apartment complex. It really emphasizes that people and life experiences are different. I also just felt like judgment? I know it sounds silly because no one gives a fuck about me but it just seems like the people around me are more inclined to judge versus if I lived in the lower part of the East Village, ya know? People are younger and more open-minded.

11. There’s something about Connecticut that recharges my batteries like no other. I already feel SO inspired. The creative juices are just oozing out of me. I’m just daydreaming, making food, and thinking of the next creative process. It’s so nice. I feel a life-change coming on. I feel like I really have to start putting myself on a regimen. Healthier foods and meditation, as well as journaling. Like actual journaling in a physical notebook? We’ll see, I’m still thinking about it. Also, if you couldn’t tell, my thoughts and ideas are usually very noncommittal. I probably won’t follow through on most of the things I say. LOL

12. I’m taking life too seriously. Since when did I take life so seriously? I am reaching to find a life purpose/moral/goal to focus and hone in on so I can be stable in what I want and be less prone to bending myself into different shapes so I can receive approval from people. I choose to live a life of truth! I don’t want to buy into whatever the dreamy world is selling. Do I want money and glory? I mean, of course but do I want happiness more? Absolutely. So I really want to be intentional in trying to do more things that solely bring me happiness. Because if I don’t, it’s a cycle of worry and heaviness that I now know I have complete control over. GET AWAY FROM ME NEGATIVE PEOPLE. I DON’T GOT TIME FOR THAT.

13. I think being at home brings time the most joy because, again, I am extremely sensitive to my environments and I honestly had an epiphany just now, but… MY FAMILY IS SO NICE. I think they are honestly the nicest people I’ve ever met. They’re truly gems. They feel and care and do so much for other people and they get so much joy out of doing so, even if it takes so much work, time, and effort. That’s so noble and wholesome and I respect that so much. Although my other brother’s motives can be quite questionable and sketchy sometimes, I accept all of him. LOL honestly I have faith in the both of us to mature wonderfully and be as level-headed as the rest of our family because all we like to do is pride ourselves and pick fights. lolol

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