#so every time i relapse the ED fucks me harder than ever before

[snailboxes]

going back to residential treatment again tomorrow so see yall later lmao

#so every time i relapse the ED fucks me harder than ever before #which means this needs to be the last time bc its so bad rn #that the next step would just be to like. die #also im stoned rn because its my last chance for a long time #anyway gonna go gain a shit ton of weight brb #p

[lizzieanderummel]

this is some piece i wrote when me and pam were doing a revamp and i was super obsessed with birdman so i wanted to use the gifs of emma and ed norton so i wrote in parker

"Elizabeth, it’s nice to finally meet you!” Dr. James Mareson says to her softly. He’s in his mid-30′s, a yuppie looking guy. “It’s nice to meet you too.” She stands, following him into his office. He motions for her to sit on the couch, but she knows the drill by now. He takes a seat across from her, and smiles. “So what brought on our meeting today?” “Well, my boyfriend, Parker, is concerned about my.." She hesitates, "issues.. when it comes to handling my anger.” “And you’ve been to anger management classes before?” He asks, writing in his notepad. “Yes, he sent me to a group thing a few weeks ago, but I wasn’t comfortable with other people being there.” Liz sighs. “It made me angrier.” “He sent you?”

“Yeah.” He writes something down. “And before that?”

“Well,” Liz starts, crossing her legs. “I’ve taken a few therapy sessions here and there.” “And Parker, tell me more about him. How long have you two been seeing each other? What does he do?” “Didn’t you talk to him?” She laughs, remembering Parker coming home and telling her she has an appointment. “I did, but I want to hear from you.” He points his pen at her. “Um- well, we’ve been dating for almost four months." "And?"

"He's a professional actor, he's funny, but not like intentionally, like where he's trying too hard.. He's kind of an asshole, but not in a mean way, he's arrogant, but he's an actor.." "What else?"

"He has two daughters, and he's great with them. He's not what you expect when you first meet him.. I’m completely crazy for him.” She smiles.

“And you’re moving in with him?” “Yes.” She says, pulled from her thoughts. “And that’s what brought on him wanting you to see me?” “Well, he and his ex wife have two kids, and if I’m moving in I’ll be around a lot, and they’ll be around a lot, and he’s concerned that I won’t have the patience to.. be with them.” “Okay, so you’ve been dating for four months, you’re moving in together, and he has two kids?” The doctor asks in an almost critical voice. “Yes?” Liz asks, angry, not appreciative of someone criticizing her life choices. “I’m not paying you to criticize me, I’m paying you to help me, so if there’s some concern with my lifestyle choices, I can go find another therapist-” “And that’s exactly why you’re here.” He smiles at her. “Is this mainly a concern for him, or for you?” “Him. I’m doing this for him, I think I’m fine.” “You think that you’re fine?” “Well better than I have been.” Liz corrects herself. “And you’re not concerned?” “I would never yell at his kids.” “No?” “No, they wouldn’t know better. Adults know better.” She shrugs. This among many other reasons is why she’d never yell at them.”

“So this is a problem that occurs often?” She nods. “Are there any people in particular that trigger anger?”

“I guess like my dad, previous relationships.”

“Your dad?”

“Well.. one of them..” She shrugs. “I think we’re too much alike.” ”Does it disrupt your relationship with him?”

“I don’t know.” She says honestly. “We haven’t spoken in a while.”

“How long?”

“I guess a few months.” She shrugs. 3 months, and 17 days is the truth, but she doesn’t want it to sound like she cares that much.

“Is this a new trigger for you, or has it been going on for a while?”

“It’s been going on since I was like 15.”

“Around the time your bulimia began?” James asks her, and she nods.

“Around then.”

“And I’m assuming it hurt your relationships with your friends, and siblings?”

“I would assume so.”

“Do you want to talk about them?” He sets the clipboard behind him, on his desk.

“Who would you like to hear about?”

“Whoever you want to start with.” She doesn’t begin speaking. “How about your friends?”

“I- I didn’t really have friends.” Liz’s mind quickly flashes to Aaron, but Aaron never was really just a friend.

“Boyfriends?” He asks.

“I guess it made that area harder.”

“Your anger made it harder?”

“Yeah, and there was the whole sneaking around because y’know..” Liz says, referring to her bulimia.

“But the unreasonable anger was the biggest problem?” He asks.

“I had a lot of problems at the time.”

“And you’d take them out on the people around you?”

“Basically.” She smiles a little bit. 

...

“I’ve been in contact with you doctor in Lima, and you were last diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, correct?” He says, as she takes a seat on the sofa. It’s been a week since her last session. “Yes.” “And that was when you were 19?” “Yep.” Liz nods, bitting her bottom lip. “And before that depression?” “Yep.” She nods again. “And before that Bipolar, then before that it was depression again, and then just bulimia before that one.” “Has anyone talked to you about the possibility of borderline personality disorder?” Dr. Mareson asks her. “Like hearing voices?” “No, that’s schizophrenia. Borderline personality disorder personality is very different. I believe what happened is what happens to a lot of people, you were misdiagnosed for bipolar.” He explains gently. “When you experience moods, especially anger and love, do they alternate weekly, or hourly?”

“What?” She asks, confused by everything.

James begins reading her, from a textbook, what it means to have borderline personality disorder. She fits almost every category. She listens to him explain how BDP and eating disorders go hand in hand together.

“So your changing my diagnosis?” She asks.

“Yes.” He nods.

“What do I do?” Liz says, unsure about her medication.

“Well, I’m going to find someone to refer you to for therapy-”

“Refer?” She interrupts. “You’re sending me to someone else?”

“I think we can find someone better to see you-”

“I know what a referral means, and I know it means your going to run me around in circles until I give up.”

“That’s not what’s going to happen.” He says, moving to the seat across from her. “I don’t think I’m the best person to help you.”

“Why?” She feels her anger building up slowly.

“BDP is incredibly.. thorough. I want you to get the best treatment.”

“Way to bring the abandonment issues into this.” 

“What?” He asks, putting down his clipboard.

“I just said way to bring the abandonment thing into this.” She shrugs.

“Into what?” 

“Well I come in and you’re all like ‘you’re scared of people leaving you’ blah blah blah.” She mocks his voice. “Then your all like ‘well, I guess I’m abandoning you now-”

“Okay, Elizabeth, I get it.” James presses two fingers to the bridge of his nose. “You can stay.”

...

“I mean, there was a lot of stuff. I don’t even know who’s fault it was. The angry part of my mind blames him, but that sane part knows it was my fault.”

“Now, looking back, how do you feel about Jeremy?” He asks her. Her views of Jeremy were constantly alternating between a strong desire to impress, and prove that she deserved him to hating him, and believing he was the worst thing that had ever happened to her.

“I’m not sure, everything is so distorted. I think he knew I wasn’t 100% with him, y’know. I was always somewhere else. There was an ongoing fight to spite the other one more, or at least there was from me..” “So overall an unhealthy relationship.” “Oh, yes. Of course.” Liz pauses. “No, I don’t know.” “What do you mean by spite?”

“I would just do things to upset him, like hanging out with people that hated him.. I kissed someone else in front of him, so he’d see, things like that..”

“But it alternated, correct?”

“When I loved Jeremy, I really loved Jeremy, y’know? I wanted to be with him all the time, but when I hated him, I really hated him.. Or maybe I didn’t. Maybe I made up the hatred to avoid blaming myself..” Liz shakes her head, unsure of almost everything.

“Have you spoken to him recently? Talked to him about these things?” He asks, leaning forward.

“No, I haven’t heard from him since I was 18.” She runs her fingers through her hair, and looks around the room.

“Why don’t we, together, try and contact him? We could work through some of the distorted memories that are still hurting you.”

“I don’t know if they’re really that serious.” Liz says. 

“Why don’t we give it a try. You could say your apologies-”

“I don’t have any apologies.” She laughs. 

“You’ve told me on multiple occasions that you felt bad about the way you treated him.”

“But that doesn’t mean I want to-”

“You don’t want to admit that you were wrong, but I think it will make you feel better.”

“Look, I wouldn’t even know where to find him at, he disappeared after he graduated.”

“Have you checked Facebook?”

“I’m 21, of course I’ve checked Facebook.” She says as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Either he doesn’t have one, or I’m blocked.. Probably blocked.”

“Blocked?”

“I’d block me. He probably wouldn’t want to hear anything I have to say anyways.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I’m fucking crazy.” Liz sits up from her position of lying on the couch, and crosses her legs.

“You’re not crazy, you are mentally ill. There is nothing wrong with having BDP.” James says softly. “Now, will you at least let me try and help you find him?”

... “I fucked up.” Liz says as she enters James’ office. It’s a sunny Thursday afternoon. James is a little startled by her abrupt entrance. He’s eating an apple.

“What?”

“I- I relapsed. I mean, I guess it’s not that bad, but it’s been a while so it freaked me out.”

“Okay, take a seat,” He puts down the apple, “And we’ll talk about it.” Liz sits down, and puts her hands on her knees. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” She sits quickly. “I don’t know.”

“Well, when?”

“Yesterday.”

“What time?” He asks, standing, and moving from his desk, to the seat in front of her.

“1 o’clockish.” 

“Were you home alone?” James leans forward.

“Yeah.” Liz nods.

“I hear that from you a lot now, y’know?” He observes.

“Yeah, with the show happening, Parker’s not home, and the girls stay with Sheryl.” Liz says, having not fully realized how often she was alone until saying it out loud.

“Maybe you should try going back to school?” Liz shakes her head immediately.

“I don’t have time.”

“Liz.” James places his chin in his hands, sighs, then sits up straight again. “Where do you see the relationship going, really?”

“I don’t know, honestly.” She admits.

“Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?” Liz stares at him, then shakes her head. “Then we need to figure out something for you to do.” Liz doesn’t say anything. He hands her a piece of paper and  marker. “Okay, write down everything you wanted as a kid. Circle the things you have.”

...

Liz disassociates a lot after the break up. It helps her get through the long, boring days, and it helps her get through how weird it is sleeping in the apartment. It’s around 7:00 am on a Thursday. It’s a grey morning, and traffic is beginning to form. She ‘s taking a walk through Central Park with all the joggers and bikers when her phone rings. “Hello?” She answers, and takes a seat on a nearby bench.

“Elizabeth? This James” He says, and pauses for an answer. When she doesn’t he continues. “Anyways, I was concerned because you missed your appointments last week.”

“Yeah, um- sorry for not calling.” She says sincerely. 

“It’s okay, we’ll talk about it later today.” She says nothing. “You are coming in later, right?”

“About that..” Liz starts. “I’m actually not going to be coming in anymore.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just- I’m moving back to Ohio, and I can’t really come in.”

“Your moving back to Ohio?” He asks, sounding confused.

“Yeah, um, Parker and I broke up.” She says, struggling for words.

“You should come in today, and we’ll talk about it.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I just can’t, I have to get a plane ticket-”

“Is it a money thing?” She pulls the phone away from her face, and takes a deep breath.

“Thank you for your help.” She says.

“Do you have someone in Lima that will see you?” 

“I- I think I’ll be fine.” Liz says. She feels fine, she’s eating, she’s sleeping. “I’m doing well.”

“Elizabeth, please come in today, I’ll find someone to refer you to, don’t even worry about the money. Just come by, and we’ll get it figured out.”

“Thank you for your help.” She repeats, then hangs up, and puts the phone in her jacket pocket. It’s getting warmer, but it’s still a little chilly outside. She imagines that Parker’s left for the theatre already, but would rather wait just to be safe.

When she feels enough times has passed, she walks back to the apartment, and lets herself in. It’s silent, and a wave of relief rushes over her. She takes her jacket off, and hangs it on the hook by the door. She takes off her shoes, and takes out her phone. Liz sets an alarm for two hours later, and lets her hair down. She takes a seat on the sofa, then lies down. She closes her eyes, trying to get a little bit more sleep. She’s undoubtedly tired, but sleep won’t cooperate. 

She stands, stretching,  and walks down the hall to the bathroom. She takes her medication, and closes the medicine cabinet. On her way back to her place on the couch, she passes Parkers bedroom, and pauses to look at it. The beds unmade, as it has been since she stopped sleeping there. She leans on the door way. She’s not sad, but she’s not happy either. It’s sort of that strange sick feeling you get when you make a decision that you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about.

Liz can’t help herself, and she doesn’t even remember moving, but she gets in the bed, and just stares at the wall. She feels out of her own body, but it’s not a bad feeling. She lays on her side, and rubs her face into the pillow. She wakes up an hour and a half later to the sound of loud beeps coming from her phone. She turns the sound off, and allows herself to stay in the haze between asleep an awake. The haze where you can daydream and it feels real.

Eventually, though, she does have to get out of bed. She gets dressed, still feeling out of her own body. She leaves about 25 minutes before Parker usually leaves the theatre. She goes to the subway, and rides south. She gets off, and walks to a Starbucks, not too far from the NYU campus. She orders a black coffee, and hands over exact cash. “Do you go to NYU?” The barista asks, writing ‘Liz’ on the cup.

“Huh?” She asks, pulled from her thoughts.

“Do you go to NYU?” He repeats.

“Oh.” Liz says, and laughs a little. “No, no I don’t.”

She sits at a window seat, plugs her phone into the wall, and plays Sim City. When she looks up again, it’s getting dark. She looks at the time knowing that she has another 6 or 7 hours before she really can head back to the apartment, but she really doesn’t think the Starbucks employees appreciate her sitting there for so long.

Liz quickly gathers her purse, and exits. She walks a few blocks, further into the campus. She doesn’t miss school, but she misses the idea of what school could be like. She sits down on the sidewalk, and watches people pass by. She wishes she smoked so she’d at least have something to occupy herself with. She feels so much older than the people passing her by. She knows that she’s in the same age group as them, but they look and act so much younger. She checks the time again, and only an hour has passed. She decides to go to some bar she found on google. 

Maybe she drank a lot, but at least she wasn’t hurting anyone in the process. At least that’s how she feels. Liz sits at a booth alone with two empty shot glasses and half a glass of some locally brewed beer. She checks her phone for plane tickets, to see if any had gone on sale. She still makes a little money here and there with her piano students, but he still hasn’t gathered the $220-$270 a ticket will cost her. It’s hard to save when you have to find things to occupy roughly 11 hours of your day with. “You won’t make many friends like that.” Someone says.

“Huh?” She asks, barely looking up.

“On your phone, you won’t meet many people.”

“Oh.” Liz says, still not looking up.

“Yeah.” He says, but doesn’t leave.

“Look,” Liz sighs, turning off her phone screen. “I’m just trying to have a drink, not make friends.”

“Why don’t I get you a drink, and we can be friends? That way we both get what we want.” The stranger asks, sitting down across from her. She finally looks at him. He has blond hair, and blue eyes. He slightly reminds her of Aaron, but he has a tattoo on the bottom right side of his neck, and his nose is sharper. She looks at his tattoo, it’s a small apple.

He gets them a few shots, and momentarily she finally feels in her body again, but in between the actually shot taking, she feels like she’s sitting on the other side of the booth, watching her struggle to sound interesting in comparison to this guy, Alex, who says he’s a political science major at NYU. She watches her explain to him that she went to OSU, and she watches him move to her side of the booth to tell her a joke. She watches them take a shot at the same time, and she watches him press his face into her neck. 

The next morning, when she’s walking home in the same dress, she keeps checking her phone. She keeps thinking that Parker will text her and ask her if she’s okay, or why she didn’t come home. Instead, she gets into the apartment and finds a plane ticket for that afternoon.

Returning home from New York was possibly the hardest thing Liz had ever done. She forgot to tell her dads she was coming back, so when she gets to the airport she mindlessly gets into a cab, and gives him her old address. The ride home is quiet enough, and she feels very unreal.  She pays the cabby with what little bit of cash she has left, and scrambles to get her luggage out. She barely gets to the door, and has to readjust everything when she pulls out her keys to unlock it. She grabs the luggage again, and drags in into the hallway, then to the edge of the stairs. She looks straight ahead to see Kurt and Blaine sitting on the sofa in the family room starring at her, surprised to see someone who isn’t a  burglar. She ignores them calling her name as she drags everything upstairs to her room.

Things are sort of normal after that. It’s a lot like how high school felt. Her dads seem unsure of what to do now that she’s home. They have dinner as a family again, and no one asks her any questions. She gets her job back at Breadstix, and is offered a job as a part time manager, taking Scotty’s spot so he can go off to be a doctor or whatever. She’s good at work, and it’s always been the only place where she truly keeps her cool. Liz stops taking her medication about a week after she gets back. No one notices for a while.

Liz is good at her job, so that’s what she does. She works, and works, and works. Then she comes home and sleeps. Kurt and Blaine have a lot of friends they hangout with, so that often leaves her home alone. She doesn’t relapse or anything like that, she doesn’t even really drink, she just doesn’t do anything. She remembers Dr. Ellen Mareson telling her that a disinterest in life, and boredom, are common symptoms of BDP, but she hadn’t felt it since she moved to New York.

There are a lot of symptoms she didn’t fully recognize in herself until she got home. Social isolation, general discontent, identity disturbance, chronic feelings of boredom.. She’d felt all these things before she’d moved, but they’d gone away.  When being diagnosed she understood that those were feelings she’d had before, and even in New York, though she would deny it, she felt that way often too. The only symptom she’d never felt was the impulsivity. She’d never been able to spend a lot of money, and she’d never had a one night stand like Dr. Mareson told her most people do. Well, she hadn’t until she got back. Her dad’s, concerned with her lack of socializing, ask Adriane to take her out. Adrian, who is nothing like Liz, takes her to a club. Liz goes home with some mediocre looking guy, and doesn’t remember anything that happened. This happens two more times before she starts going to therapy again.

Kurt comes to her room one night while she’s painting her nails, and asks to steal some toilet paper. He goes to the bathroom, and returns with her almost full bottle of Geodon. “Liz, are you not taking you medication?” He asks, shaking it. She explains to him that she’s fine, that she doesn’t need it. “Liz, you’re not fine.” She argues with him back. “You’re going back to therapy.”

She see’s the doctor 7 times by herself before Kurt and Blaine demand to go with her. It’s after she applied for the fall semester, and they find out she’s looking for somewhere to live. She doesn’t know why, but they freak out.

“What brought this on?” The therapists, Dr. Avery, asks them after sitting in silence for a few minutes. She’s in her late 30′s, possibly early 40′s.

“We know Lizzie’s older, and that she’s lived on her own, but we just want what’s best for her.” Blaine explains.

“We’re worried about her, and we’re worried about our family-”

“You’re selfish.” She says under her breath, but Kurt ignores her.

“You see, liz was our first child, all our others came much older, and they’ve always felt very independent from us, more so now than ever. I feel very safe, despite the rough times we faced with them when they were younger, with them out on their own. Our other daughter lives in New York, one son lives I L.A, and the other is a tour manager, and I don’t worry about them. Liz, when she goes to back college this fall, will be living 30 minutes down the road, and that feels too far.”

“Do you think it could just be because she is your first child that you possibly just feel the home is empty without her?”

“No.” Blaine answers before Kurt can.  "Her living away is fine, the home is fine, we’re scared for her safety.“

“Why do you say that?”

“Because while things settled down with the other children, Liz went in the opposite direction. We.. We didn’t notice. Everything was fine, and then we’re getting a call that she’s been taken in an ambulance from her school, and is in the hospital.”

And that leads into a whole ordeal involving their guilt for her eating disorder. Liz wonders why she even had to come, it seems like Kurt and Blaine need to go to therapy. Somehow the conversation swerves into them talking about her living in New York.

“And then she just comes home, and doesn’t tell us. She shows up, won’t talk to us, we were terrified we had no idea why. We were terrified! We didn’t know if she had ran away, if she’d been abused, if she was pregnant, we just didn’t know.” Kurt says. Liz roles her eyes at the obnoxiousness of it all.

“But you did eventually find out?” The therapist asks, looking at her notes from previous sessions.

“Yes. Thankfully, it was just a breakup.”

“And have you, as a family, talked about why Lizzie chose to leave?”

“No.” Blaine shakes his head.

“It was very abrupt, correct?” She looks to Liz for an answer, and she nods.

“Had you been drinking?” Blaine asks cautiously

“It wasn’t tha-.” She starts, but is interrupted by Kurt.

“Elizabeth. Yes, or no? Had you been drinking?” “When?” She roles her eyes. “In the few months leading up to your breakup.” Kurt says. “I mean, I was 21, I drank.”

“Were you drinking more than usual?” Blaine pitches in a little. “No.” And it’s not a lie, she always drank that much. “Not more than usual for you, more than usual in comparison to-” “To what?” She interrupts, startling Kurt. “To a normal person?” “I didn’t say-” “But that’s what you meant right?” Liz asks, skeptically. “Was i drinking more that a normal person? Yes, yes I was. Probably because I have a mental disorder, that could possibly have been caused by something like early childhood trauma, something that caused PTSD something like, I don’t know- like neglect. And it probably didn’t help that something major, like possibly adoption, occurred.”

“No one blames you for having..” Blaine trails off. “Borderline personality disorder?” She asks.

“No one blames you.” He says, again.

“And what about with Aaron? And Jeremy?” Kurt continues. “Aaron had pretty much stopped drinking at that point.” “Jeremy?” He asks “Me and Jeremy both drank more than most adults do.” “And did you drink together?” The therapist asks, pulling the session back to the two people it should be focuses on: Liz and the therapist. “It felt like that was the only thing we did together.” She chuckles. “So, often?” “No, it was actually only a few times. We just never really did anything together.” Liz shrugs. The therapists senses that she doesn’t want to talk about Jeremy. “And did Parker not like you drinking?” “He didn’t tell me not to.” She says calmly. She does suppose he wasn’t very fond of it. “Did he drink?” “Occasionally.” “Less than you?” Liz just nods. “And when did you realize that the relationship wasn’t where you wanted it to be?”

Liz takes a moment to think. “The night he asked me to leave.” “Now, Elizabeth, you told me last week that you left Parker on your own, he didn’t make you.”

“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “I don’t remember.”

“You don’t remember?” She asks, critically. “Now, Liz, did you want to leave or not?”

“Yes, maybe, I don’t know..”

“Liz, did he kick you out?” Kurt asks, and she shakes her head. “Did you come home right after the breakup?” She shakes her head again. “Where were you living- I swear to God if you didn’t have anywhere to stay-”

“I stayed there until I got a plane ticket.”

“Good.”

“And you two dislike him, I’m assuming.” She must have noticed Blaine and Kurt’s distaste at the subject.

“We’re not fond of him, no.” Kurt says.

“Why?” She asks.

“Because they dislike me being happy.”

“No.” Kurt snaps. “Because I dislike the way he treated our daughter.”

“And how was that?” Liz and the therapist ask, but in very different tones.

“He took away her ambition. We send her to New York to work, to learn. He has her quit her job to take care of his children.”

“That is not what happened.” Liz says, shocked. “I quit because for once in my life I didn’t have to work. Maybe, if you’d called you would have known.”

“You were not speaking?”

“We were.” Blaine answers. “Kurt and Lizzie weren’t.”

“Why?”

“Because he doesn’t respect me.” Liz says.

“I do, but you don’t respect yourself.”

“What does that mean?” Liz gasps.

“Lizzie, honey, you have sex with this man, and you want to move in with him.” Kurt rants on. “You take care of his kids, you give up everything. He took advantage of you.”

“That’s not what happened.” She shakes her head violently.

…

“I really don’t think I need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, Ellen.” Liz laughs, pulling her feet onto the sofa with her.

“Liz, all of our conversations come back something that happened when you were drinking, or something you said-”

“It’s the middle of the summer, there’s not a lot going on.”

“Even before the summer, even before you started coming in, your stories-”

“I really don’t need help. When my relationships start going downhill I always drink, this one just stuck around a little longer. 3 times the charm I guess.”

“Elizabeth.”

“And besides, people like me better when I drink.”

…

Liz does find herself at AA a few weeks later,

It takes a little time, and a lot of effort, but Liz and Kurt do have a good relationship eventually.