#so i can have a poppydog again

[camellia-thea]

i made the mistake of opening the jellycat website.

they have a jack russell now. it has one black spot across its back like jazzy.

#tags turned into a ramble-y vent be warned #mistakes were made #i do not have the money nor the emotional capacity for yearning #there are so many that are super cute #like the quinn fox and sigmund seal and all the octopi and they have a new spider plush!!! #i am in so much pain and i have nothing that stops it and i just. want to not be dealing with anything i am right now #i tried lifting my tea earlier and i started to cry because of how painful and exhausting it was. #enough so that i didn't finish it which is an indicator of how i am going #feeling a bit better now -- i am not as fatigued but. still in so much pain and sitting upright is tiring. #but it really really doesn't help the emotional stuff going on #i desperately want jellycat to make a black and white border collie too #so i can have a poppydog again #i miss her so fucking much #she was my good girl and i miss her. #i miss jazzy right now too. i want her here with me and i want her to cuddle me and stick her nose in my teacup #i just. feel bad. #i hate feeling out of control like this and yet i. cannot fucking accept help #and i'm such a hypocrite with it but i just. i can't. i don't know what i need #i want someone to take care of me but i don't know how to ask or be vulnerable. i physically need someone to wrestle me into care #i don't even know what i'm saying. #i have so many things in my head and just. saying them aloud feels scary. even typing this into vague nonspecific existence. i don't know. #i don't know. #i feel out of control and i hate it. #but. i just. need to feel out of control safely i guess? #someone else take it and just.