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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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i am sad today. i dont want to be sad and i dont like sadness but im aware that being sad is part of the process and not being sad at all would be unhealthy so i’m trying to be an appropriate amount of sad. i have a lingering stress headache and i cant seem to smoke enough (could be correlated lbr) but im still not dieing (except from the heat, which is pretty unbareable.)

i want to talk to somebody about it but i cant and when i do they have their own totally made up judgements that have nothing to do with the evidence of the time we personally spent together.

and im not like trying ot hold up my life for him - i did what i could today which may not have been “enough” but i ate and cleaned and did a bit of work on my projects. im sad its not more. overall.

today i am having glimpses of what i wanted and some subconcious answers are coming to the surface after asking questions i didnt have the answers to right away. is he thinking of me? if he is - is it just the same? is it just stuck in his own world of whats right an wrong to him right now? or is it anything else?

i love him because he has the same kind of ideas and values and morals that i have, some of which i dont have the capacity to live right now. not that i want a hundred wives and husbands. and i dont know if we mesh on his version of polamory and i dont know if i mesh with the real version.

but our views on society and how things make us feel are similar. in some ways i feel like hes alone in the world s much as i am despite the people he has. but maybe im projecting. he acts out the feelings i have many times, when i dont have the energy or security to do it. we enjoy the same kind of foods, alot of the same kind of music, movies, a desire for knowledge, an open mind, a sense of adventure, going with the flow. im known for kind of just thinking of something and making it hapen and he tries.

i wanted a life together with this. i guess maybe in the future if i met someone else that was like this maybe i’d want them too? and like i feel like maybe in some ways - in some, i dont know. its all so complicated. but my history - “i can see myself with anyone - female or male, in a non sexual relationship forever.” i feel like this is an unusual way that isnt necessarily common but perhaps one scenario it could work in some way? i’m just trying to get one. just one. i’m not concerned with other ones and i think my way of seeing it is way deeper because it wouldnt be like a super active thing i would do. like i wouldnt seek people out to add to my life and fit in this idea i have. i would just live and if i happened on someone maybe it would work. but just one would be totally fine with me and i cant even find just one.

what would i have done with him? in my dream life scenario where do we end p, what am i doing and why is it different? i just.. i think maybe this is another similarity where i have this really stubborn belief that i never had to fulfill an entire investment because he never did but he uses it as one of the reasons it doesnt work. but like i’m taking on this huge obligation in my dream to change my daily life that i’ve never actually been capable of doing before even when i was being given what i wanted. and with my shitty ex my excuse was that i didnt want to come back to live with his behavior. which is not a great excuse at all for not getting a job. its not.

but i guess in my dreams i overcome all my bullshit for him and we set off packed up and maybe i’d have sacrificed my cats and eased my worries and concerns a bit and let go of my past. we’d have a great adventure across the country, deepening our relationship before settling into this new life. id embrace the change and find some menial job to make him proud and contribute to our unit. id support him and love him and care for him as we worked towards his goal of his own land / farm where we’d work to live off the land and have a more simple life.

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything. i guess its like really fantasy land ideas i had here. especially when its him in my dream. i’m upset that i know that these days apart doesnt add to positivity and will only make it hard and akward on the goodbye, changing nothing. the more time goes by with zero communication what so ever the more i feel like maybe it’s just entirely over and i guess lucky for him i have no desire like i usually do to attempt to salvage anything because hes ultimately leaving. why try and salvage a relationship thats not going to exist anyways no matter what you say or do 48 hours before the ultimate decision?

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything.

i feel the way i do though because i realized what i might want in life and it was like almost there and i could have maybe had it if i were a different person and wanted even more different things and i’m sad about it. kind of like how i bring up my ex asking me to marry him. to me that was like we were already engaged. it proved that someone was willing to spend their life with me and although i didnt take it sometimes i think like fuck i was so close. if only i just did this and this and let this go and bent for this i couldve had what ive wanted.

i hate my investment being trivialized like when he says maybe if i had more in life id not want to spend as much time with him. but my investment was him and i guess alot of it was proving that i had what it takes to succeed in certain areas of life but i failed in others. but then - i was constantly proving myself which in itself makes for a bit of a fake relationship and unbalanced because according to him i was never actually worthy because i dont want his craziness. and i guess hes right.

i hate that hes not thinking about me and what we couldve had. i congratulate myself for not reminding him. next level in maturity for me. our life couldve been stable and cute and simple. selfish and selfless. the characters we couldve become, the partnership that would be infamous. i’m so angry that i cant have that. i’d grow flowers on our farm and be an independent local floral designer, planning wedding and craft fairs, participating in farmers markets with the food we grew while he took odd carpentry jobs. and id take that whatever job when i landed, you know? becuse i’d want this and i’d know that i can finally have it if i just put in a bit of work for it and im surrounded by people i love.

its like .. he wont rent an apartment here because its a “waste”. he doesnt want to “live here”. so why would i put in peripherial work when this isnt where i want tobe and it doesnt get me to where i want to go?

but maybe its me. maybe its not. i think ive grown. when i was younger i wanted this punk shack with my ex. i could really picture it in my mind - we would have this open concept kitchen lined with beer and liquor bottles from all our awesome parties where people played guitar and sang all night and it would be messy but cute and we’d struggle but it’d be like part of the “game” of “surviving” and it wouldnt be a big deal and it’d be more like we’d just embrace it.

that of course never happened. we never had a party. not once. he sat playing video games on a thrift store couch while i made food and did chores and he went to work and i guess i just laid around and acted like i was doing something.

maybe its all for the best.

im sad hes not thinking about me. im sad he doesnt believe in even a piece of my dream. im sad i have to start over.

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