#sry this is long and semi incoherent

[adviceforwlw]

i’ve identified as bi since i was 16 (i’m 23 now) and kinda came to the conclusion i was demisexual a few years later bc every single time i had the chance to sleep with (what’s supposed to be) a perfect guy my body simply did not respond. i tried it once and all i could think was ‘what’s all the fuss about?’ lmao. i thought i just needed to get emotionally involved first u kno? idk if that’s me trying to explain why i didn’t want to have sex with them or not. i can’t really say for sure if that’s the same with women bc i literally feel like i’m going to make an ass out of myself when i’m around a girl who’s attractive and i know is sapphic so i don’t put myself out there. i also always told myself i couldn’t be a lesbian bc when i was a kid i had crushes on boys but recently a gay friend of mine told me he had crushes on girls when he was young too but it didn’t mean he was attracted to them now. that sent me into a tail spin that lead me to the comphet doc which led me here. tbh i’m just confused and i don’t know what to think. i know for a fact that i have internalised homophobia so that doesn’t help lol like at all

hey anon! I went through some similar things when I was first coming to terms with myself. right off the bat, I wanna say that I have some reservations with label of demisexuality. obviously you can do what you want, but as someone who used to use that label for myself for what was really just comphet/internalized homophobia. I think sexual attraction is a specturm, everyone’s sex drives are different and some people are def ace, but I’ve seen demisexuality as a standalone label cause more harm than good. I find sex within relationships way better + more fulfilling than casual hook-ups, but I still wouldn’t consider myself demi anymore. I think this is honestly a fairly common experience for many ppl. 

I am a lesbian who also had childhood/teen crushes on men. I never actually dated them because whenever I’d be in any sort of situation with them even like kissing etc I’d panic and shut down (again, something I assumed was bc of being demi but really just uhhhh gay). my girlfriend also used to ID as bi, dated men, then came out as demi/ace, then realized she was just a lesbian all along so I think this type of trajectory is really quite common. 

I don’t know you or your experiences beyond what little you’ve told me and can’t say how you should identify (& I know you weren’t asking that either!) but as a lesbian, much of what you’ve said sounds very relatable to me earlier on in my coming out/coming to terms journey. I think continuing to reflect and figure your shit out is good (but also balancing without overthinking it). I’m not saying having relationships/sexual experiences with women might help clarify things for you, but I know it did for me (lol). things will start to click into place and it’s ok to not fully know where you stand! there is no timeline for figuring yourself out - it’s a long process and unlearning all the internalized stuff just takes time and reflection

#sry this is long and semi incoherent #but tldr i relate to what you said and i think a lot of wlw specifically lesbians go through this #but best o luck figuring stuff out <3. #and if u have questions or wanna talk more i will try to be more prompt w msgs #ask #anon